2013

Posted on March 25, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Ellis can take care of his dogs, as long as Katie’s there to do it for him.

Staycation is over, time to get back into the swing of things, and what better way to do that than to do stuff. I know, that doesn’t make much sense and isn’t very funny. But maybe it is funny and you just get my high-brow sense of humor? No, that’s not it. It’s not you, it’s me, sorry ’bout that. Nobody has stuck their dick in the voice-altimication machine during the break, so the hammer has been… on the head, or something. Oh, hey, EllisMania.com is supposedly working on mobile devices now, so that’s pretty big news for many of you. Ellis did tons of shit during the staycation and wasn’t sure where to even begin, but he’s full of puppies today. He took his kids pretend extreme falling and Tiger floated around and shit, he also got tuned up a bit at the gym, and rode a mechanical bull. Tully was busy babying it up. Rawdog went to Oakland with a female friend during the staycation, he didn’t fuck any bitches or friends though. He also didn’t eat any shrooms, even though this “friend” said she had a massive bag of them, but didn’t feel like doing any. Say wha? Jude stopped by today after he heard about Rawdog’s chick friend that didn’t give him any shrooms. He gave Rawdog some advice, he needs to bang out an ugly girl and just keep banging her to get his head back in the game. This prompted callers to chime in with their own brand of advice, one of which was “Jennifer” who wanted to take Rawdog out to McDonald’s and maybe take him home, bend him over and fuck him in the ass. By the way, “Jennifer” ended up revealing he was really a dude whilst saying that last bit. ZING!

I think I might owe money to the Jew-manji jar for this one.

Uh oh, My Chemical Romance has made an astonishing announcement, they are done and over with. There’s a Jew-manji jar now, anytime Ellis says anything anti-semetic, Rawdog says something bad about Australians, and when Tully doesn’t say nice things about Ellis’ penis – they all have to put money in the Jew-manji jar. Davi Millsaps called into the show to explain why the fuck he’s the fastest deformed man in the world, not the points leader, and to deny Ellis of his used tires. Rawdog got gassed out after lifting some kettle bells (via Onnit & Donald Schwartz) and some MMA school training in the prize chamber. Some Cody dude that was the winner at Tiger Box stopped on the show today hoping to do make-up and take photos of the guys for his ~~spank bank~~ book. One of the other Tiger Box competitors got a drumstick in his asshole, while another got tackled and molested by a shirtless Grant Cobb. Oh, and Katie ate some chicks ass out on stage, and FuckYouDude might possibly have gotten peed on. Wish it was you that had a drumstick up your asshole? Good news! Tiger Box should be happening again in about a month. Except this time Anal Gay-Lewis won’t be calling people up to compete because he totally botched that job this go-around. There was a debate between Rawdog & Tully about the writing between The Woodsman and Big Fucking Mega Boat. This prompted Ellis & Cody to drop a few coins into the Jew-manji jar and make a few comments. That’s also when Tully put a dollar in the Jew-manji jar, leaving us to assume he will be blasting racial comments Rawdog’s way at some point.

Toy Story took an unexpected turn.

We got to hear a ~~JizzCult~~ dolphin read masturbation news, turns out the dolphin is a bit of a chubby chaser because he likes to think of whales while rubbing himself on some coral. Some chick called in to ask what “Red Dragons” meant, she quickly earned her first Red Dragons after saying her boyfriend once fucked her with a large, cock-sized herb pipe, which she really enjoyed. World’s Greatest Guitar Riff resumed today, here’s how it played out, or at least as best as anyone but Rawdog could tell:

Seek & Destroy (Metallica) vs Bro Hymn (Pennywise)
Seek & Destroy (Metallica) won and moves to the Sweet 16.
Walk (Pantera) vs For Whom the Bell Tolls (Metallica)
For Whom the Bell Tolls (Metallica) won and moves to the Sweet 16.
Seek & Destroy (Metallica) vs For Whom the Bell Tolls (Metallica)
Suprise, Seek & Destroy (Metallica) won and moves to the Elite 8.
Twist of Cain (Danzig) vs Crazy Train (Ozzy Osbourne)
Ozzy won and moves to the Sweet 16.
The Thing That Should Not Be (Metallica) vs A New Level (Pantera)
Pantera won and moves to the Sweet 16.
Crazy Train (Ozzy Osbourne) vs A New Level (Pantera)
A New Level (Pantera) won and moves to the Elite 8.
Seek & Destroy (Metallica) vs A New Level (Pantera)
Seek & Destroy (Metallica) won the Elite 8 spot.

Nope. Your mom has the widest slot you can get.

Mr. X flew with some sticky icky again, and this time his luggage didn’t mysteriously go missing. This chick elegantly explains a recent hail storm. Now, wanna hear her auto-tuned? TJES fan, @TheWoodswoman had her piano version Awesome World played on the show today. In Hollywood news, despite the world’s best efforts, Lil Wayne is not dead. James Franco is allegedly a terrible neighbor by leaving trash everywhere, he makes noises and stuff, and the children, think about the children! Ashley Greene’s house burned down via an unattended candle, and it killed her dog. The house fire, not the candle, the candle was acquitted of the dog murdering charge, but held for the arson charge. Lindsay Lohan struck a plea-bargain and will be going to a 90-day lock down rehab center, even though technically, one does not exist in the US. So the judge said, “Shit, my bad. You can serve that 90-days in jail if you wanna.” Does not having sex with Lindsay Lohan at Coachella while Blur is playing, make Rawdog less of a man? Probably. Peter Murphy got arrested for DUI after doing a hit-and-run number. Cher put one of her homes on the market, it’s in Venice and if you’re a total fucking freak, you can buy that grey pube infested pussy grease trap. Victoria Beckham has announced she’s retiring from singing. Did she ever really sing or was just yappy? Jesse James got married for the fourth time, which automatically makes him the bitch in any and all future relationships he’s in. But hey, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. I mean, I like you, but you could be banging Urkel and you’d still be the bitch in that relationship. OH!

Best of Re-Cap for Friday 3/22/2013

Posted on March 22, 2013 by wiz1010

Well hello boys n girls. Its your uncle Ghostload speaking, and if you can read this, dude get a fucking life. Speaking of getting a life, your mom is and old school tool from before I could drool. Bitch be so dumb, sticks n stones be insulting her, OH! Nah but seriously, we here at the No You Are clinic do care a great deal about your mom…’s snatch and ass hole, plus she could suck the rust of an ’83 El Camino that’s been in the back yard since ’84, cause she did! Well I don’t know about you, but I personally have a strong interest in your mom, I mean besides the fact bitch better have my money, she’s also your mom, and I like you! I was doing a little research into your mom, no not “In to” your mom, not this time – No I mean real research and I noticed a bit of a downward spiral in her life since we first commented on her back in January of 2012. Hell just think that was just over a year ago, and to think where she is now, in fact if you know where she is, hit me on twitter @wiz1010 cause like I said, Bitch Better Have My Money! Anyways, here’s a month by month breakdown on just how far the bitch, i mean your mom the bitch, has fallen – Enjoy……….

Monday, January 23, 2012 As I mentioned above, this is the first time your mom was mentioned, and at her height I might add, ~~hob~~ slob-knobbing with former Passenger 57 mega-super-broke-star what’s his name.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012 If we were charting this in graph format, not only would we be a bunch of fucking nerds, but the curve would be on the upward. Today may be the greatest day of your mom’s life. Today is not only Chad Reed day, well really yeah its just Chad Reed day!

Probably Your Mom’s Best Feature – Her Lovely Hair

Friday, March 16, 2012 Ah yes, your mom is still fresh on the scene, appearing with none other than Die Antwoord cause yes, I fink your mom freaky!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012 Ok, so remember the graph, yeah were on the “downward slope” as they call it, well they also call it that cause when you go in your mom’s vage you immediately fall downward into the pussy, hence the term! Anyways today was the gruesome story of the day your mom started hooking, shocking but true!

Ain’t she a beauty! Though I admit I like her hair longer.

Wednesday, March 30, 2012 Ok now she’s just a fucking bitch, I mean using the SiriusXM phone app is hard enough with it fucking sucking balls n all, but now we find out the truth about the Sirius phone app and your mom – stupid cunt whore oh and your mom is a moronic jizz cunt!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012 John in Houston, we have lift off! Your mom and the extinction of big foot? You’d better start keeping your eyes out and your cocks covered from here on out kids!

Look at those tig ol bitties right there boy! DAMN!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012 Now your mom hates the gays. Today, sadly enough was the day we had “The bet between evil Chick-fil-a and your even more eviler mom” dun dun dun!!!

Thursday, August 30, 2012 Now look, I’m not a fan of beating up your mom. Its only cause she’s into the shit really that I do it. I’d rather drop a deuce on her chest, return serve, and fucking roll the fuck out aids free! But to be fair, here is a reminder of what she used to be just a few months ago and probably my favorite, this is where Christopher Walken got his style from.

Ok so the gunt can kinda get in the way – I just hit it from the back!

Friday, September 21, 2012 Now I know this one’s kinda confusing, you hear “Bit’s amazing day with your mom” and you think shit’s sweet right. Dude it’s fucking bit with your mom, shit ain’t that sweet right about now homie. The good news though, this one’s got some really sweet fucking pics, of batman and the joker crush’n’grooven and your mom (See the last one)

Wednesday, October 31, 2012 Well, well, well. It’s like I caught you in the cookie jar, pun intended! By now in the month by month recap of your mom’s past year or so, she’s just flat out of control, I mean all of #EllisFam?

See, much better….well not better, lesser of two evils really. Oh and thats the self-portrait tattoo AZ_RedDragon gave her with his load and a match, not bad bro!

Monday, November 26, 2012 Well if you fuck all of Ellis Fam, then who’s left? Yeah we saw it coming just sad it happened during the holidays. Things are really getting bad for your mom when turning tricks ain’t even cutting it no mo’.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012 It’s cold, money’s tight, and we at No You Are don’t fucking care about your mom. Sure we could buy her dinner, or maybe hold her hand, but nah! Now we just fuck her for sport……as if we ever didn’t. Some things never change!

This is her vagina. I remember this guy, we found him in there one day after shoving bottles of 151 in there after hearing the Slash interview….this guy was fucking drunk of his balls!

Thursday, January 24, 2013 Ok this is one of those pivotal points in your mom’s life, well kinda the opposite as she’s lost all ability to pivot on your dick anymore which made her one of the nation’s top 5,000 hookers in the 40 and above division. Now its just a matter of survival when fucking your mom, thanks to Rawdog though maybe we can make it out alive!

Friday, February 22, 2013 OK, that it, I’m never fucking that bitch again…Cumtard‘s fucking her. Ghostload out!

I do usually leave when she asks for a foot rub. FUCK THAT!

The Jingleberries Will Make You Famous, Or Look Fucktarded (Part 2)

Posted on March 22, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Remember when The Jingleberries put out a call for recordings? Well, we’re doing a 2nd round that we can send off for the The Jingleberries to work their magic on, while we sit back and hope it gets played on the air. Like this rejoin @bitPimps re-wrote, @sharkchucker recorded, @Jingleberries mixed, and @EllisMate said “might be the greatest rejoin. Ever, made… ever!”

Shawshank Rejoin (by: sharkchucker)

Allegedly Official Awesome Original Shawshank Redemption (by: Anonymous)

There was another drop of most all of us, but I don’t have a recording of it. If any of you do, please let me know so I can post it here.

Update 3/27/2013: Here’s another rejoin consisting of some of the clips below. Mixed by @Jingleberries, recorded by @emilyinSD, @mrsjessliv, @Scarlet_Kitty, and @bitPimps

Women of EllisFam Rejoin

And now, part 2 of the new recordings…

Shawshank – I Hope (by: sharkchucker)

Handsome Cock Is Live (by: sharkchucker)

Public Service Announcement (by: sharkchucker)

One for the Oil Patch Workers (by: bitPimps)

AIDs Callers Are Out There (by: bitPimps)

Hero (by: bitPimps)

Tanya’s Wet Pussy (by: bitPimps)

Ass Tattoo (by: bitPimps)

Lacey Diddles (by: bitPimps)

RawBot Sex (by: bitPimps)

Tully’s Smart (by: bitPimps)

Ya Hoser (by: thegooser)

Caller (by: thegooser)

Intelligent Conversation (by: thegooser)

EllisMania.com (by: thegooser)

Pooooooop (by: thegooser)

The Real Question (by: thegooser)

Prize Chamber Canadian Version (by: thegooser)

I Am In You (by: thegooser)

The Hole (by: thegooser)

For bitPimps (by: thegooser)

I Don’t Always Touch Myself (by: emilyinSD)

Perfectly Proportioned Cocks (by: emilyinSD)

Rub One Out (by: mrsjessliv)

Snowball the Fuck Out of Those Buttchuggers (by: mrsjessliv)

I Like To Be Stimulated Orally (by: Scarlet_Kitty)

Best of Re-Cap for Thursday 3/21/2013

Posted on March 21, 2013 by wiz1010

Well slap my sister upside the trailer, how the hell how ya #EllisFam? It’s Thursday, so only got a few more hours of giving a fuck before we let our true internal loverboy loose cause everybody’s working for the weekend. Look, I’m sorry for that last one, here’s how your uncle Ghostload, and the fine folks at NoYouAre can make it up to you. Before we can get to that, let me introduce you to the highly paid and very well off staff you vicariously live through each and every day…..

@bitpimps (He’s on everything really, twitter, instagram, your mom, etc.)

Bit got his NYA proverbial dick wet before all of us. He’s the ace, the guru, and has possibly the most free time as you see on twitter. He was the first to ever post on the site, with what was just a general monthly overview of the show back in December of 2011, but read the last paragraph and you’ll see why he’s well BitPimps! The idea of the doing these more often didn’t take much longer to blossom, and thus was born our first daily recap on January 23, 2012, and also the birth of something even ~~bigger~~ smaller than that, but we’ll get to that tomorrow.

@AZ_RedDragon (Same as bit, usually at same time too!)

AZ is just the man, up front, right out the gates. He’s definitely the muscle and our heart of NYA, and who better to tell you he he is, well than himself in his first ever post back in January 2012. From there is was just cases of beer and anal with your mom for a month or so, until we were blessed with the first of many well worth the wait recaps on March 14, 2012. It was a Wednesday by the way, read up on who or what…..

@wiz1010 (a.k.a. Ghostload, also like other two above, but Im filming!)

Ghostload’s like the guy who talks in 3rd person, ya know the face figure of NYA, sorta like the Puff Daddy to NYA’s Biggie. Now Ghostload came out the box swinging hard, with pictures n all, well mostly all with his first recap on October 10, 2012. It’s pretty much been downhill since there, but the kid’s got a lot of swagger so anything’s possible. Be sure to get it up ya on twitter, instagram and at your mom’s house.

@CrackerStacker6 (a.k.a Branden, same as others above, but with more style)

Branden is the disturbingly creative mind of the NYA and keeps us all on our toes, and sleeping with one eye open. Once he joined the NYA crew it was immediately off with the hulk gloves n Branden went hard in the muthafucking paint with his first recap on January 30, 2013. He’s is definitely an intricate part of all this chaos, and your mom’s anus as well!

@shit_toboggan (a.k.a. Alex, again ditto as above, but usually no one makes it out alive)

Now if I’m not mistaking, I believe Alex is the only of us all to compete in EllisMania, so fucking shout out for that shit! He joined the NYA ledges and just went ape-shit on the keyboard on his first recap back on February 5, 2013. Since then he’s been shoplifting your attention, and your mom’s monthly government checks!

Now if your still reading this, your probably taking me seriously on the whole I’ll make it up to ya. Well, truth is you can go fuck yourself for all I care, unless your EllisFam, which again if your still reading this your probably are. So for you, I have pulled a few random favorite recaps of mine for you to jerk it to. Enjoy….

February 7, 2012: All kinds of goodies here, Rude Jude, DanOD5, and of course the NMT discover of Die Antwoord, fuck yeah!

May 25, 2012: Classic Picture and MMA is 5% gay!

July 2, 2012: Bit’s true identity is leaked by AZ, I probably shouldn’t have pulled this one but fuck it.

August 17, 2012: Ellismate finally on TMZ? Doing stuff with Gabi, so hot!

September 20, 2012: Dog Center!!! Oh, and the birth of Jizz Cult.

November 19, 2012: The “You Don’t Know Shit About Ellis” game. Fuck I didn’t even remember this.

December 6, 2012: Mike Dolce’s diet. The last time we ever hear from Dana White.

Best of Re-Cap for Wednesday 3-20-2013

Posted on March 20, 2013 by Crackerstacker

One thing that this site has certainly made itself a beacon for is homosexual rendezvous in truck stops across America. But in our off time, one of my favorite things done here is the interviews. Now, I don’t say “we’ve” done, because I came to start writing for the site just a couple of months ago, but before that I was drawn by the interviews, both with Ellisfam and members of TJES itself. If you are reading this, chances are you filled out a questionnaire put together by @bitPimps or @Az_RedDragon that was later posted on this site. (If you didn’t, and you are interested in doing so, DM your email to @Az_RedDragon with several nude photos of yourself and he will make you a star) If you want to get an idea of the questions, and get to know the rest of Ellisfam, check out these interviews. Some are hysterical, others touching, and some are probably going to be used in court one day. I was going to pick favorites here, but you know what? I’m tired and you can all suck it. Because you are all awesome and you would be great at sucking it of course!

Aside from Ellisfam, somehow this site has managed to land some interviews from the stars of the show and Will Pendarvis. It says a lot about the show and how interactive with the fans they are that they took the time to answer some simple and sometimes insulting questions so that we can all have a laugh outside of 12-4 PST.

Mike Tully gave us the laughs you would typically expect from him and even a Salsa Recipe.

Will Pendarvis gave us a look inside his creepy fucking existence.

Cumtard AKA Kevin Kraft, while no longer with the show, sat down and filled out a questionnaire which was much like any time he was really on the show. Dude took abuse, was open and honest about everything and was even moderately funny at times. Hell, I even asked him when his first attempted suicide was and the dude just rolled with it. Gonna miss that punching bag.

Rawdog filled out probably my favorite of the show interviews, proving that while he is a bumbling moron on the air and can’t defend himself , he can defend himself and formulate a really solid and funny retort. This is what I’ve always suspected with him, because he is such an insecure, nervous type in social situations, but there are some actual thoughts in there believe it or not. So maybe he’s not a radio genius, but I laughed my ass off when I read his replies. Keep plugging away you adorable bastard.

Let us not forget the Jingleberries! The very first to take the bait and regale us with the tales of how the Jingleberries met and came to be, and just how it is they do what they do. Those dude’s are fucking awesome, I won a CD with a bunch of their rejoins and buttons and shit and let me tell you, I really hope that shit doesn’t embed itself in my daughter’s brain when she’s in the car. I’m a terrible parent.

So that’s it! I know there is a really big name I am leaving off this list, and that’s because we’ve never gotten that interview. Maybe one day, but probably not. The Wing has bigger fish to fry, but in the meantime, read up on your fellow Ellisfam and get a little deeper inside ~~your mum~~ the show. Who knows, one of those interviews could lead you to the truck stop that offers the best reacharounds in the Americas!