No Juan says TJES isn’t the best show on radio.
There you are, I’ve been looking all over for you! Welcome back to another Monday’s re-cap, let’s get excited! More excited than that. Okay, just try and pretend you’re excited. The show started about 10 minutes early today, and if you missed it, that’s all on you. Ellis say’s he had a ripe cat shit on his chest this morning, which you gotta wonder if that’s true because I didn’t see any Instagrams of dead, bald, cats from him today. Ellis is wondering why the radio ball hasn’t been thrown to him yet. Howard is done, and TJES is on all the time, along with others, but if TJES is your style of radio, you’re in luck – because he, Tully, and Rawdog are the best at that kind of radio. He doesn’t want to compete with Howard, he can’t compete with Howard. Howard created the game. But he thinks he should be on a channel next to his to make it easier for the tard fans. Even if he did want to compete with Howard, how can he compete with someone who isn’t even in the ring, he’s just never there.
No more X-Games talk. It’s over. We’re done. I hope.
Tully’s going to break down and call the dick doctor today. His weekend was pretty crazy too, just maybe not as crazy as his dick. More X-Games talk with tons of names of people that do stuff and don’t do stuff. I’m X-Games’ed out so the only thing I’m willing to talk about is the chick that started celebrating early and then ate shit. Hasn’t everyone learned by now that you jinx the shit out of yourself with celebrating early? You know that poor girl is probably still crying the sweetest tasting tears ever. Ellis went out with Tony Hawk last night and Tony did a little interview for Ellistronics TV, he told a personal story that he’s never told anyone before – just for Ellis and the fans. Ellis says more people are telling him that he sounds way more American than Australian nowadays. Which makes sense, and you can hear it if you go back to old shows from the past, such as what you might find on Channel 713! What a beautiful segway, right? In baseball news, A-Rod will be suspended through at least the 2014 season for performance enhancing drugs. But I ran out of fucks to give for baseball too so you’re just gonna have to deal with that.
In McDonald’s news, Ronald can keep his god damned fries.
MMA news, UFC 163 was over the weekend and the Korean Zombie got TKO’d. Again. This time it was Jose Aldo’s turn to beat the Korean Zombie. Phil Davis beat Lyoto Machida by unanimous decision. In Dingo news, he’s not on the show today because he’s in the X-Games party zone, or was. He hasn’t even texted anyone back so his mom called him from the show to make sure he was alright and didn’t drink and smoke too much at those crazy X-Games. In crazy fucker news, some crazy fucker tried to take out a bunch of people on the Venice Beach Boardwalk with his car, he ended up hitting 11 people and killing 1 tourist who was on their honeymoon and scared the ever loving fuck out of everyone else. In Aussie news, Daniel Johns of Silverchair fame made some sort of appearance some place, by himself, and the world was none the wiser. Remember the Australian guy that was steering his car with a pair of vice grips? Yeah, that one. He also had 2 blown out tires. Angry Anderson of Rose Tattoo fame is apparently racist as fuck. He was in some documentary called “Go Back To Where You Came From.” In metal as fuck news, James Hetfield turned 50 on Saturday. Rob Zombie wants noisy kids to quiet down, dag nabbit! Also, you should probably get off both of their lawns. In people with tails news, Ke$ha said she was born with a little stubby tail, but had it snipped off when she was just a baby. Some Indian boy has like a 7 incher of a tail on his back is being worshiped as a god, a god of hideous birth defects.
Blunts? Johnny loves blunts. Tully? Not so much.
Rawdog talked about a video he found on his Facebook of some stupid vegan dude that’s stupid as shit, so fuck that stupid guy and let’s hear some Doing Stuff With Tully. First up, making a campfire. Tully says he’d surround the pit with rocks, find a bunch of dried leaves and paper and bunch of little sticks to start his campfire. So it has been said, and so it shall be done. How would Tully kill Will? One, he doesn’t have a motive so he thinks he’d try to find a window where he has a bunch of alibis and then try to poison as much of Will’s stuff as he could. If he had to shoot him, he’d try to find his house and shoot him in his bed with a pistol and a silencer. Then, how to launch a boat into the water. Tully would get it as close to the water as possible, make sure it was tied on so it didn’t float away, and then from there, he’s pretty lost. How would he unclog a kitchen sink drain? Use a half bottle of Drano, and if that didn’t work, call someone. What about wires hanging from a wall and turning it into an outlet? He’d make sure it was daytime, make sure the power was off by turning off every electrical breaker in his house. Then he’d Google it and ask the guy at Home Depot what to do next. How do you roll a blunt? Get the cigar, cut it open, get the tobacco out, load it up with weed, fold the sides over and blow that motherfucker. The raccoon in the house incident? Going by what he heard from a buddy, he’d go back to bed and hope they left. But, if he can’t call animal control and has to deal with it, he’d wait until it was asleep and beat the raccoon with a baseball bat. How about fixing a carburetor? He has no idea and isn’t even sure what it looks like. How about putting a chain back on a bike? He’d place the chain back on the sprocket and spin the wheel until each cog slips into it’s place. How would he commit suicide but make sure it made national headlines? First, he said he’d go to the Today Show with a bunch of bags of confetti inside his coat, underwear, pants, etc. As much confetti as he could pack onto his body and then explode himself. After more discussion, he changed his answer, but between Rawdog calling me mike_in_canada and me driving home, unable to take notes, I forgot what it was. There were a few more questions that Tully tried to answer, but the real thing to take from this is that, as smart as Tully is, there is plenty he admittedly can’t do. One thing he definitely can do though is, fuck your wife and fuck your mother. That much is clear.
Kiss me like one of your French babies.
In Russian news, the Bloodhound Gang recently performed in the Ukraine. One of the guys stuck the Russian flag down his pants and pulled it out the back and the BAM! They got assaulted and deported. Comedy Central hasn’t aired the James Franco Roast yet, but they did air a commercial for it where he gets fake punched in the face in slow-motion, not entirely unlike the video Ellis did. Roger Waters is being called antisemitic because he’s a big supporter of Palestine and had floated a giant pig with a star of David or some shit on it at a concert. Who cares besides self righteous pricks that feel their more entitled to be dicks than anyone else. Russel Brand was performing some comedy and talking about Katy Perry and how sometimes he’d think about other people before pulling out and jizzing on her tits. No! Really? The Smurfs suck, pretty much everything is better than The Smurfs. Voltron was cool as fuck, and that’s all you really need to know about Voltron. Which reminds me, a plane is dropping out of the sky like a stone, the pilot has given up hope, and the passengers are making their peace with the world and preparing themselves for certain death. At the end of the plane a stewardess stands up and shouts “Fuck this, if I’m going to die I want to go out having a good time. Before we die is there anyone on this plane that can make me feel like a woman one last time?” Near the back of the plane a tall, swarthy olive-skinned man stands up. Handsome, muscular and powerful. He strides down the aisle, sure-footed and graceful in spite of the plane’s bucking. The passengers fall silent as he passes. Walking slowly, he removes his jacket, then gently slips off his shirt to reveal broad shoulders and six-pack abs. As he nears the quivering stewardess, he stops, extends one confident hand to her, and in a gravelly bass voice whispers, “… here, iron this.” OH!