Tag Archives: Metallica

Show Re-Cap for Monday 9/23/2013

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the_dingo

Gaze deeply into Dingo’s eyes until you grow luscious locks like his!

It’s Monday. And this is a recap. Are you ready for a loud Dingo? I hope so, because he’s in the studio. Ellis might hire Dingo to say “Jason Ellis” in his big boy voice, but he might have to work on it because he doesn’t really have that deep of a voice. Dingo’s elevator talks to him and his cereal berates him. Ellis used to pray to get his wife back, but that didn’t happen so either there is no god or maybe there is a god and god was all like, “dude, you don’t want that” and therefore didn’t give his wife back. Dingo would go to church with Ellis if he wanted. But I’m pretty sure the congregation would forcibly remove Dingo because he just can’t go more than 60 seconds without being loud. That’s our Dingo! Jon Jones almost lost his fight with Alexander Gustafsson, but the Lord is a big Jones fan so you know what’s up. No matter if he like either one of those dude or not, their fight was pretty amazing, you could even say it was almost, god-like. Speaking of god/s, Ellis and Katie went to see Metallica and they were so close to James Hetfield that Ellis almost cried like 3 times. Apparently, Scott Greenstein knows Metallica and was a big part of some things Ellis was into when he was younger, which blew Ellis’ mind a bit. Ellis saw a bunch of other people there as well. He talked Opie, you know – that dude from Opie & Anthony. They talked about their past shit talking back and forth sessions and shit and talk, in the end Opie & Ellis are cool with each other. Howard Stern gangled up in the Metallica concert as well. That’s all we really were supposed to know, but we overheard Ellis talking to Wilson on “accident”. Everyone started cheering for Stern and all Ellis could think of was how he’s gonna take that shit. He’s super jealous but he also thinks it’s straight up gross that he’s so jealous of wanting to be as big and import as Stern. And that’s how Tully got hepatitis.

washing_my_balls

Shout out to Tiger, who’s now a baller!

Tiger discovered his balls this weekend. He asked his mommy what they were, then he started squeezing them until one of his balls did what balls sensing danger do, it went and hid. Then he pushed them together and showed his mommy that when he does this, it looks like a butt. And so starts an entire lifetime of playing with one’s balls. Have fun kid, you’re going to be doing this for the rest of your life. Gabe Ruediger is apparently feeling neglected this time around since Ellis fans aren’t razing him as much. So some of us hardcore fans started tough talking Gabe using #DummyTrashTalking. News time! A Texas jury gave a 44 year-old woman a life sentence for a DUI conviction because it was her 6th DUI. Take that Bartles & Jaymes! Hey, are you like Rawdog and just toss your old phone in the trash? Why the fuck do you do that? You could keep it, sell it, trade it, give it away, but no. You wanna fill up a landfill, don’t ya? The new iPhone 5 has a level on it, because do you know how many burly construction dudes have the latest phone for women and dudes that love to accessorize? Ellis got sent a CD of some unsigned band and the guys reminded everyone to send in their unsigned bands, so do that. Katie put a post up on Instagram, so eat a dick everybody! I don’t know why I said that. I didn’t mean any harsh feelings. I love you. Anyways, this brought up Bieber talk and I’m not having any of it, so BLA-DOW! A caller phoned in to tell Ellis that Tom Leykis was talking about Ellis on his show, and then everybody was like – PSSSHHHHH! You ever have a family pet try to get all up in your sexy times? Yeah, those fuckers are creepy gross. And don’t do what Dingo does, which is fondle his dog’s balls.

toddler_angst

Intern angst.

Some chick in Canada with retarded kids bought a vitamin water and under the cap, it said “You retard” which of course sent her into a retarded rage and Coca-Cola had to apologize for predicting who was going to get that bottle of sweet justice. Speaking of retard, Ellis wants a big ass Nerf basketball on Rawdog’s microphone because he eats his microphone and it’s too loud. This brought us to Wilson who brought in a picture of his ex-wife’s dashboard that said “refill now butthole” which totally reminded him of how his ex-wife talked to him. One of the new interns, Lynette, was the focus of a “game” Wilson spent many a night thinking very in depth about. The game? How much does everyone know about her, Wilson giving the guys 3 options to choose from for each answer. Come to find out, she has 2 half-black sisters who are both Olympiads, in different sports. She also went skinny dipping in Loch Ness with some Scotsman, she’s been to 14 Coachella’s, she ran into a parked car while she was high on that sticky-icky, went to Paris Hilton’s something or another, she was an overweight kid, got hit by a car while jaywalking, and she got fired after 1 week of working as a hostess for having an attitude.

hang_in_there

If you’re still reading, practicing auto-erotic asphyxiation, or committing suicide, hang in there!

You ever wondered what it was like to fly like an eagle, doot-doot-doo-doo? Ever wanted to be an eagle? Too fucking bad, you’re human. However, you can see what it’s like by watching this video of a GoPro strapped to an eagle in flight! Dingo’s dad used to live in Kualdalaupe, which of course is in some imaginary country that is made up of a bunch of other countries that takes up pretty much all of Southern Asia. Get the cock off your chest was next up and it seems a lot of dudes have been pissing the bed lately, like an excessive amount of dudes and an excessive amount of piss. Let’s see how many of you are still actually reading this recap. 2 cups flour, 2 teaspoons baking powder, ½ teaspoon baking soda, 1 teaspoon sugar, ¾ teaspoon salt, ½ teaspoon garlic powder, ¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper, 4 ounces shredded sharp cheddar cheese, 1 cup cold buttermilk, ½ cup melted unsalted butter and cooled for 5 minutes. For the topping, 2 tablespoons melted unsalted butter, ½ teaspoon garlic powder, 1 teaspoon minced fresh parsley. And there you have some basic ingredients for Red Lobster’s cheddar bay biscuits. If you’re still reading, you’re welcome. And with that, like an alcoholic or a necrophiliac, it’s time for me to go crack open a cold one. OH!

gabe_likes_going_down

Show re-cap for Friday, 9/20/2013

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Welcome to the end, not the for reals end, just the end of the week. Ellis was almost late today also. Not because he was playing bumper cars but because he was not prepared but fuck it. Hahaha butt fuck it. Welcome to the Friday recap folks and stay tuned for more hilarious commentary like that. Ellis is having issues with finding a sparring partner, it’s tough to find someone to punch early in the morning. Apparently all the good guys are in the gym in the middle of the day because they don’t bother with peasant work and actors rocky.park_.bench_1don’t like getting punched in the face. He did however get the opportunity to box with a ginormous shredded black dude. Ellis got rocked because the dude was way better of a boxer but during the fourth round he was just trying to keep Ellis motivated to keep going. And he called Ellis baby, then they went for tea. It was a wonderful evening. Tully might have to take a staycation again because he’s working on another book, he says it’s his fault that they are not taking a proper vacation but personally I blame The Man. Ellis is still planning on going to Panama and jumping into the ocean off his deck. Rawdog didn’t say where he’s planning on going, so most likely he will just be giving his girlfriend the D the entire time. Ever watch Rocky and wonder how many miles he’s running in that classic scene? Neither did I till now, some dude figured it all out so I can finally sleep at night. A dude called in saying something about obesity being a disease and not a decision but honestly it’s a little of both. It has everything to do with metabolism, eating habits, activity levels, genetics, etc. Speaking of lard asses, a baby in Saudi got up to 72 pounds and is the youngest person to get gastric bypass ever. All the experts say that you shouldn’t diet, it’s a life change, you actually need to change everything you do, oh and also educate yourself, all them word books might learn you a thing or two.

Damien Esteban, son of Satan and Gloria, was a teacher who served jury duty and got caught with heroine in his backpack and then got fired and then cried like a bitch to the courts and then had to get rehired so now Mr. Smack is back to work teachin the youth of tomorrow. The mythical blue tiger of China may have been spotted but most likely it had stripes, da dum tssss. “Cocaine up the butt story singer woman” <- this was in my notes and it made me laugh so enjoy. The new iPhones are selling mainly because you can get a finger print one or a cheap one with a number of color options, or because they also come in gold. The cool thing about the gold ones is that they are ergonomically designed to fit inside your rectum with minimal discomfort Then they talked about the weird shit in food flavoring like that castorium stuff that comes from beaver buttholes. But I think we have talked enough about beaver buttholes on this site so I will refrain from discussing beaver buttholes any more. Beaver buttholes.

And you thought cat buttholes were nasty, but at least this tastes like vanilla.

And you thought cat buttholes were nasty, but at least this tastes like vanilla.

Cumtard the Cumtardian from Sector Tard came in to do the two things he does best, smoke weed and put things in his butt. All alleged of course. The alleged idea is that somehow they would get weed smoke inside Kevin’s ass with the attempt to get him high and also to get him to fart smoke. I can’t properly explain the technique used during the first attempt but I can assure you that it did not work too well. After the first failed attempt, Kevin and Rawdog went into the green room and emerged with the mechanics of the second try, a balloon full of smoke. With the help of Tully and Josh, Kevin accepted an entire balloon of smoke that was attached to the end of the turkey baster. All in all the experiment didn’t turn out as well as hoped. The smoke farts were almost none and the discomfort of cramming a turkey baster in your turd cutter makes it a far less desirable way of getting high than the many other options, but he did catch a good high, allegedly.

"Cumtarding" and how it might be killing your kids, tonight at eleven!

“Cumtarding” and how it might be killing your kids, tonight at eleven!

An Arizona man has been accused of branding his initials on his girlfriends genitals, hopefully he will die from a thousand AIDS dicks cramming him in every orifice for the next fifty years. On a more awesome note, a  61 year old man in Texas went into the hospital drunk but hadn’t drank a drop, it turned out to be a yeast allergy and was essentially brewing beer in his stomach, God likes him a lot.

In case you missed Metallica Live from the Apollo on SiriusXm channel 111 our good friend, the artist formerly known as @Cobratits, @SXMRob, has a gift for you.

Thomas Hayden Church joined us after the break. They talked about Kevin being a dick on the phone, Metallica, keeping the faith, the clap getting clapped outta your dick, the porche, and THC’s newest movie that he’s filming that he’s playing a street fighter in. Thomas talked about the movie industry and the drop in movies and how he doesn’t want to be on a TV show because he doesn’t want to be away from his kids in Texas. And then they just hung out and chatted and bullshitted like friends that haven’t seen each other in a while and are catching up over a bucket of beers. I’m trying to think of something funny to say for the ending but I’m not in the mood because I’m outta money and yer mums free trial is already over, OH!

 

Show re-cap for Thursday, 9/19/2013

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Welcome to Dogcenter with Rawdog and Tully, you are not that important because you are covered in shit. Ha. Ellis isn’t there because he was involved in a fender bender in his truck, but he’s okay, and he’s on his way to kick Josh out of his chair as soon as possible.

While we’re waiting, let’s have a discussion about religion and shit. It’s not the devil in the details, ladies and gentlemen, it’s the shit. Rawdog’s mom would prefer that he would give her Jewish grandchildren since he is religiously a lost cause but he still enjoys Latkas. Tully pipes in a few times about how he would rather have Thanksgiving…but…the last time that I checked being Jewish doesn’t make you un-American and therefore Thanksgiving is still around. But, whatevs, because allllll religions are one big joke and they are based on silly rules that a bunch of people made up a thousand years ago that barely make any sense. Except for that whole thing about not staying in the same house as a woman who is menstruating…that is just good old fashioned common sense made legitimate by saying it was passed down from God.

Holy Water is dirty. Like, really dirty. Not all that surprising considering that human beings are walking shit infested poop factories who won’t join in the fight to not be so disgusting by attempting to wash their hands competently. Yes, there is good bacteria that helps keep different things in and out of our bodies, but that’s an argument against bathing in Purell every 6 seconds- not a reason to forgo soap in the bathroom. Everybody poops, it’s a fact. There are books about it that we give to children and it’s something I personally painstakingly had to tell my stepson recently during potty training because he was deathly afraid of pooping for some reason. Everybody poops and then a staggering 80-90% of humanity then doesn’t wash their hands properly. And then we touch our faces every 7 seconds. I am so glad that OCD keeps me diligently burning the skin off of my hands while I scrub and I am practiced at not touching my face. Though it doesn’t really matter since the rest of the population doesn’t share my neurosis. Tully is rather enjoying his new-found awareness of increased face touching because his scruff is delightful.

So maybe we should work on a shit vaccine- what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. Sprinkled in with this was talk of genetically modified foods, the goods and the bads of science interfering in nature, and we’re all taking antibiotics unwittingly because it’s in the meat we eat (yay bacon, boooo vegans). Also, Alter Boys Behaving Badly and stealing sacramental wine (or sacramental to be because no one is ballsy enough to steal Jesus’ blood) and vying for funeral positions so they can make 3 to 5 bucks- which is like 7 bucks in today’s currency.

Ellis arrives and regales listeners with the tale of his accident. Apparently traffic lights in LA go out all of the time and they put up dinky little stop signs that can’t be seen from larger vehicles. This resulted in a girl driving into the back of Ellis’ truck while he was en route to the skate park in Venice Beach with Katie and Tiger. But it’s all good, cause Ellis is in a good mood, no one got hurt, and everything is going to be okay because there is a Chronic Colonic on the way. He did, however, have to call AAA to tow him because his stock tires are under lugnut lock and key and the dealer never gave him a key. Bastards in Vegas just want all the keys to themselves. Ellis talks about how he wants to do more Daddy things, and he saw the Metallica Movie last night. Which was weird. The movie part. The concert footage was amaaaaazing. It’s the best ticket to see them that you could ever buy because the cameramen are so close you are right up James Hetfield’s ass. In. 3. D. Gabe Ruediger asked Ellis if he was okay, which is ironic as in a few weeks at Ellismania 9, they will be trying to kill each other in the ring. Unfortunately it seems there won’t be a newleywed fight, because I am too chicken to call into the show.

With Hollywood news comes news of famous people doing drugs, like Zac Efron partying it up his nose with Charlie Sheen (who calls bullshit and says it only happened once) because he’s sad his parents are trying to make sure he doesn’t completely fuck up his life and because he will always be ‘that kid from High School Musical’. Nick Carter is blaming his former party problem on Paris Hilton, and says he has permanent brain damage from too much Ecstacy, but I don’t know if anyone would really ever notice that. Jack Nicholson also admits to doing drugs since the 60s and I believe that no one is surprised about this (except for that whole castration fantasy thing…yikes). A lady in the Hamptons woke up in the middle of the night to find Alicia Keys partying in her kitchen, which is fine since apparently Alicia Keys is way cool and I should head to the Hamptons and try to chill with her. The Expendables 3 will see back most of our favorites from the prior 2 movies, has added some new blood, and is in talks with Frasier for a role. Yes, Frasier aka Kelsey Grammer, may be an Expendable. Patrick Dempsey is a race car driver, who really sucks at race car driving, but if that’s his bliss then be happy you were Dr. McDreamy and you have the money to pay for your hobby. And Kanye West…where did you even come up with the idea of needing a carpet in your dressing room ironed? Really?!?!?!?!? Do carpets get wrinkly? Or do you like to take off your shoes and have warm toes? Please get over yourself for fuck’s sake.

This weekend Ellis is going to be back in New York to see the Metallica Show at the Apollo. He’s coming with Katie and it’s their anniversary weekend (aw) but feel free to approach him if you’re a fan of the show because he’s down to hang and will probably not punch you and you have up to 4 chances to take a decent picture with him. After Ellismania he will be touching down in Panama to the sounds of Panama, no matter how much he has to fight with the stewardess and the locals about it. It sounds like a nifty vacation and hopefully he will be celebrating an Ellismania win due to his hard training and not due to him having a thicker face than Gabe.

We have an exciting guest today!!!!! Or not. It’s just Will. He’s back from following Pink Floyd around and it’s time to play ‘let’s fix the phones on the air because that’s the only time we can do it’. It’s a fun game. Meanwhile The Fucking Animal Will Pendarvis Butt Judge tells us how he doesn’t want to go backstage- he wants to be in the moment and truly enjoy seeing flying pigs and planes crashing into the stage without seeing how it works. There will always be something to complain about on the show, despite everything being in the process of getting fixed, because one day…one day there will not be marshmallows for the lattes. It’s a damn hard cruel world that they are operating in, overlooking the Hills of Beverly in mood lighting with liberty and James Hetfield for all.

And then, an actual guest, even if only for a moment. And I missed his name like 8 times in a row…so insert that guy’s name here. He is the real and true King of the West on the radio and is going to be getting in the SiriusXM game. He is the ruler of the LA based on bumper stickers alone, a self-made man former illegal immigrant who wears t-shirts once and then throws them away (or maybe donates them…he seems like a good guy…he can donate them) and hosts a Spanish Speaking radio show that is a big deal. Bigger than Stern, bigger than Ellis, but in Spanish- so it’s cool. Ellis, Tully, and Rawdog are all excited to meet him and are looking forward to working together and becoming buds.

Speaking of bud…ohhhhhhh segue skills…they’re wrapping up the show practicing techniques for the Chronic Colonic which will be taking place tomorrow. Rawdog is on the chopping block to be the lucky man who gets to reverse feltch Kevin Craft, and watch out for the rage if he gets weed smoke farted in his face. Because that’s his trigger, Tully need not wonder or search. Tully will be shopping for supplies because they decided that, along with the baster, they are going to need some tubing. Tully has probably already been to Walgreens for the $13.99 douche enema water bottle kit and balloon that will be the solution to any problem they have thought of. And duct tape. Duct tape can do anything.

Things we learned:

Rawdog is going to be releasing a solo album which he is playing coy about until after the new release from Death!Death!Die!

Shit is the key to the holiness of all religion and the winner is…Indian Hinduism and the Ganges

Rawdog and Tully cannot work the phones

When you’re 70, you’ll be having the same conversations you had at 50 and you won’t know it, and you won’t remember this either, so you’ll be fine about it

SiriusXM wants to be more involved in Ellismania because…FUCK YEAH!!!!

Fleetwood Mac is the greatest live performing band of all time

Homework sucks

Alcohol withdrawal will kill you…most other drugs are only as dangerous as their paraphernalia (in the long term…don’t do drugs…drugs are bad)

Randy Coutoure is an actor

Australian Hooligans wear pink sunglasses with pink tank tops and will kick your ass if you make fun of them at Cricket Matches (aka Everybody Let’s Get Wrecked Matches)

The girls at Cosmo should probably consider not masturbating in public while eating Gyros

The Egyptians make really good cotton

You can get Ellis to pee on a custom made $20,000 vagina couch for the extra low price of $4,000

 

Show Re-Cap for Friday 9/13/2013

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I came in a little late and Ellis was talking about rubber on fire and smoking in the yard burning kids and the only thing I could think was, “I didn’t think he wore condoms.” And then I realized that he’s talking about doing burnouts. If you are doing burnouts or having sex you have to stop when the cops show up. You gotta respect the police for putting up with your stupid ass. El Diablo Blanco is fighting this weekend, that’s The White Devil for all you people not fluent in Messican. Some how talking about the Devil Blanco Ellis shat photo (9)out this pearl of wisdom, “When you get to the top you’re competing with natural ability.” Which pretty much means that you already beat out all the people without the dedication and drive as you and are on a level playing field of learned skill. Just like Deathbone McGee on the mega ramp. I’m not sure what that means but I just wanted to write Deathbone McGee. Ellis got five pairs of Metallica tickets to give away, NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Void where prohibited. U.S. Law Governs. OPEN ONLY to active SiriusXM subscribers (self-paid or an introductory trial) continuously since August 1, 2013 while meeting other geographical Conditions of Entry (see Official Rules), who are at least 18 years of age at time of Entry. Ellis sang his song last night called My Blood. The main lyric is “My blood is out to get me” and he said it’s a dark metal song about, well, his blood i guess. What do you expect, I haven’t heard it yet, get off my back! Ellis had Katie sing it too so we will eagerly wait for that EP to come out.

A black man in Union Square yelled I’m gonna punch the next white man I see, and he did. Then the guy hit his head on the sidewalk and went into a coma and died. Ellis recalled the night coming out of nightclub when some fucking asshole punched him square in the pace while he has his arms around two ladies. The same thing happened to another dude the next nite but the dude died and that could have been big daddy Jace cakes and then this recap would make no sense at all. He remembered that when he was a kid fights were scary and ugly so he never really wanted to be in a street fight which is a good idea because it’s stupid and you never know, you might die. On a lighter note they played, You Sir Are A Moron, they talked about Astrological signs, ghosts, going to space, being a hitman, fucking Larry King and dying with Joan Rivers bloated skeleton in your bed every week.

196_29735630096_7290_aRoger Black, aka Yucko The Clown, came in talked about his new show Brickelberry about park rangers and people and trees and a talking bear and bestiality. Sounds like everything a cartoon about a sadistic bear cub can ever be. He also talked a little about being on Howard and being a part of the Wack Pack and some other shit about this one cunt who played him to get herself famous and broke his heart and is hopefully currently in a pit of snakes that have herpes and syphilis. Yukko also said, “NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Void where prohibited. U.S. Law Governs. OPEN ONLY to active SiriusXM subscribers (self-paid or an introductory trial) continuously since August 1, 2013 while meeting other geographical Conditions of Entry (see Official Rules), who are at least 18 years of age at time of Entry.” Anderson Silva did an interview about his front kick the he has been doing since his days as a wee youngster and how Steven Seagal is full of shit.

There were more fight submissions for Ellismania 9 and if you want to participate, send your submissions to radiofightclub@siriusxm.com or fightclub@siriusxm.com or something, I don;t really know, I just pretend to know. Apparently the monkey cats that shit out the monkey cat shit coffee are kept in bad conditions. So if you are an animal lover that loves monkey shit coffee you are really bummed right now. A video of a store owner that

mmmm, who wants a warm cup?

mmmm, who wants a warm cup?

knocked out a robber with baseball bat was played today, so I found it for you too because I’m nice and shit. Fredericos is giving away free burritos on Monday now E.coli free! To be honest I was really stoked about this but then I found out that it’s only at the location that was serving the “shitting blood special” and not the one by me. I love me some free burritos. The Titanic Heritage Crusty Dusty Box Committee is mad at Redbull because they made a commercial that if the people that were on the Titanic had Redbull they would have been able to grow wings and fly to safety. This is bullshit, all that would have happened is the band that stayed on the boat would have played something more awesome like the Mexican Hat Dance or Breadfan. Also the Titanic committee said, “NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Void where prohibited. U.S. Law Governs. OPEN ONLY to active SiriusXM subscribers (self-paid or an introductory trial) continuously since August 1, 2013 while meeting other geographical Conditions of Entry (see Official Rules), who are at least 18 years of age at time of Entry.” If Josh gets knocked out and jacked off by Nick Swardson after his fight, he’ll let Ellis put it on YouTube. I don’t know if Nick will knock out the bush baby but I do know that if you want to see someone jack off unconscious dudes you can go to YerMum@YouTube.com, OH!