Yesterisday as you may or may not know, yours truly was on air with Rude Jude at SiriusXM in New York City!! That’s not the point, though. The point is that Jude brought us down to where Cullen aka The Backbone works to give him a good natured ribbing about how shitty the SiriusXM app is…he wasn’t there…and today the app fucked with my life big time. Of course. And yeah, I know he has no control over how good or bad the app is, it was gonna be an LOL sesh…and it just sort of figures that today it decided to give me a shit time. Honestly, I am still so pumped after all that happened yesterday (which I will do a full write up of that will be posted tomorrow, I promise :) that I’m not as pissed abound it as I would be on an ordinary day, but I do apologize in advance if this recap is not quite up to snuff. But, you love me, right?
Today is valentine’s day! Which is weird, so says Ellis, and I tend to agree with him o that one. Ellis proclaims thay v-day is a fake holiday because he doesn’t get a day off for it and he doesn’t need the government telling him when to tell his chick that he loves her. Cause he loves her everyday. Son. Ellis says he does feel the pressure a bit because Katie has ‘hopeless romantic’ tattooed on her forearm, but she’s also the dummy who fell in love with a guy who forgets stuff. Not to worry though, cause he did get her flowers and made her a card. Tully thinks more people think of v-day as a greeting card holiday as opposed to a government conspiracy holiday, and speaking of greeting cards and conspiracies…why the fuck do cards cost 4 times as much now than they did 10 years ago? And for that matter, how come Hallmark has the monopoly on greeting cards? Sure, there are other greeting card companies, but no one brings in the dough like the gold crown does, and if you disagree- it’s because you’re lying to yourself. Ellis talks about how he thinks that people think that if you go around making a card for your chick that you aren’t all that awesome because it doesn’t usually result in a professional looking object. Tully adds a qualifier stating that it’s uncool if you go around making things as gifts for people because you’re cheap, but if you do it because you really love that person and want to give them something one of a kind and from the heart, then you’re pretty cool. I agree…if you make me something- I keep that shit forever. Before we started working together Hubbs dropped by my office and doodled something for me on a post it note while I was helping a patient and I still have that post it note doodle. Homemade shit is the best.
Tully mentions that he sounds all nasally, which you couldn’t hear since you’re reading this and probably didn’t therefore listen to the show at all and it’s because he has allergies. No, it wasn’t because of his allergies that yesterday was a ‘Best Of’ day instead of a live show. It’s allergies…if he had been sick again and was gonna miss the show they would have just had Christian in like on Monday. No, the reason that there was no show yesterday had nothing to do with the fact that I couldn’t listen because I was hanging with Rude Jude (yeah, I’m mentioning it again…it’s gonna make me feel cool for…ever, or at least like a week or something) and Ellis thought it was best not to test the loyalty of Ellisfam should he be disappointed (like I would win, anyway, way to be flattering Ellis), it was because Ellis was really sleep deprived and in the throes of an all day panic attack. Ellis takes some pills to help him sleep at night and it can be hard for him to get to the doctor’s office to get his prescription because he is a busy man doing radio, making books, and trying to entertain us like the super amazing man that he is, and his script ran out. He did talk to his doctor’s receptionist who he said became super interested in helping him out once he mentioned that he had a book out, but due to a communication error between him and Katie, the prescription was never picked up. At first Ellis thought that he was gonna going to be okay but after falling asleep at midnight and waking up an hour later he kind of knew that shit was going to suck hard. And it did. He sent texts out canceling his plans for yesterday, and by ten in the morning he was in full panic attack mode and didn’t even want to be near his phone. He said having panic attacks isn’t as bad as it used to be, because at this point he knows what they are and knows that he isn’t going to die, but they still suck mad balls, yo. He hung with the kids, although he wasn’t on top of his Daddy Ellis game due to the anxiety and sleep deprivation, but he still was a good dad and got kicked in the balls a few times whole wrestling around with Tiggie. By the end of the night he had his prescription and put Devin to bed before passing out, although he is pretty sure he fell asleep before Devin did.
A crazy person said some shit to Katie this morning but promptly shut the fuck up after Ellis told him that if he didn’t that he would have the crazy smacked from his face. Tully said he and his wife and DudeBro encountered a crazy person on their walk last night and they talked about how a lot of crazy people pop off at the mouth at women because they are easy targets. Tully thinks that it’s because everyone in the world likes to feel powerful and exercise that power in some way, and when you’re a crazy person, the only people you can really have power over are ladies. Last night in Manhattan Hubbs and I had a crazy person incident (and really we were lucky cause, you know, Manhattan) and Hubbs went the Ellis route and told the guy he’d slap the teeth out of his mouth if he kept bothering me. And poof…all of a sudden the guy wasn’t that crazy anymore and he walked away with an apology, probably to go bother some other girl who didn’t have a scary tattooed guy with her. They then discuss that there is definitely a difference between crazy on drugs people and crazy mentally disabled people and the people who can’t help being crazy get a pass because most of the time they aren’t aware that they are on Earth and the people around them aren’t soul sucking monsters. Ellis also went on a riff about Detective Stabler from Law and Order SVU and his batshit crazy daughter and crazy batshit mom and…I don’t feel the need to rehash it because if you are a fan of Law and Order SVU you already know what I’m talking about, and if you aren’t…it’s on Netflix and this schmabibble erupts around season 8.
Time for some Wolfknives names with Will!!! But first, Ellis gives him a home made Valentine that says “Will you bean mine?” Which is awesome on so many levels that it’s hard to comprehend. Without further ado…welcome to the Wolfknives The Spanish Crowe, Hot Box, B.A. Baracus, Necklace Raccoon, Ol’ Scabby, Charlie Chapstick, Dave the Grapest, The Grapey, Ass To Mouth, Huge Tits, The Sweaty Latino, Squatch, and Loogie Howser!!!! Do us proud!!!
Tully brings up that Katie is going to be dropping by, and Ellis says that yeah, she is, but first she’s dropping something off somewhere for Devin’s braces. Ellis says that Devin is adjusting really well to life with braces and says that she feels like it’s also helping to open her nasal passages so she can breathe better. Two birds…one stone. Tully mentions that he slept with a nose strip on last night because apparently he is a horrible snorer and his wife asked him to do it (most likely because his allergies are acting up) and that shit worked like a charm. How bad is his snoring? Well, back when he was younger one of his girlfriends invited her friend over just to listen to him snore. That sounds pretty bad to me, I mean, if one of my friends made me come over to hear her man snore, the walls better be shaking. All I’m saying. He used to even tell his girlfriends to kick him out of bed if his snoring was too loud, because he didn’t want to listen to them complain about not being able to sleep because of him. Ellis says that he snores every once in a while also, but usually only when Fifty is in bed snoring with him. Which is kind of weird.
Back from the break is where my app fucked up and decided to jump around in time and I came in in the middle of a conversation about some lady who wrote a negative review about Ellis’ new book The Awesome Guide To Life, which is available for pre-order right now at theawesomeguidetolife.com. She seems to take issue with the fact that Ellis is a chauvenistic pig, which she thinks because she obviously has never heard a joke before and lives an exceptionally literal lifestyle. SMH it’s girls like her that give the rest of us a bad name. But anyway, now Katie is in the studio to draw an accurate representation of Ellis’ dick in one copy of the book, which one lucky customer will receive in the mail in only a few days time!!!!!!!!! Katie wants to draw it on Ellis’ face, but gets beaten down by him and Tully and agrees the best place for it is probably on the plain white title page. Ellis takes his dick out of his pants and after some discussion as to how it should be drawn, Katie sets to work. Ellis stops her about halfway through because he is offended that she isn’t drawing it actual size and makes her label it as such. She then starts to work on a new book and Tully almost sees Jason’s manhood when he leans back in his chair and sees the mirrored ceiling staring back at him. HAHA. I dont believe that he didn’t see it, but would rather keep it to himself and cherish that memory forever. When Katie is done Will wants to see the drawing and then immediately regrets it because Katie is a good artist and he will never be able to unsee that image. This makes Ellis not want to give the book away because he wants to posess something that can so easily amd effectively ruin someone’s life.
Tully made some special Valentine’s chocolates with some gnarly ingredients for Jetta and Cumtard to try in their V-day themed game. Wilson helps out by rattling off some statistics and the guys have to try and guess if they’re accurate or not. During this game we learn that 25% of americans would consider religious conversion for love, Cumtard would rather eat a chocolate covered dog turd than a chocolate covered onion, 51% of married couples would rather spend today with their pet than their spouse, 49% of guys would dump their girlfriend if she got fat, and chocolate candy really shouldn’t be made with Japanese spices, mayonnaise, garlic, oysters, or peppers.
Back from another break Fat Mike from NoFX is in the studio with his fiancee, and as today is the holiday of love they are here to talk about when you love someone and you love either beating the shit out of them, or loving when they beat the shit out of you. BDSM is a game this couple has been in for a while now and they give a pretty good explanation of it to Ellis, or at least I think they do because my app shit out about thirty times while they were on the air, which is so sad because I really love the BDSM scene and so does Joe and inspiration is a wonderful thing. My app does come back to life to hear Fat Mike’s fiancée whip Katie and I will definitely be downloading the episode on demand so I can hear whatever other goodies I may have missed during this segment.
At the end of the show Tully and Ellis bring Cumtard in to talK more about his love life and that’s when my app decided to die for good. Sorry for how anticlimactic that was. I’m sure it was insightful and hilarious, and Cumtard probably still refused to embrace buttplay at some point. Final calls were probably very much like how final calls normally are, and there may have even been a recapper… That I still prolly owned with this three quarters of a recap that I have spent the past hour and fifteen minutes typing out on my phone (because technology is really not on my side today and I am dedicated enough to do this from my fucking iphone because I love you guys and try not to suck too hard).
Happy Valentine’s Day!!!!!