Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 3/4/14

Let it be known that if you’re in the bay area and have posted an ad on Craigslist for any sort of help needed that involves a pickup truck, I have probably responded to it. And let it also be known that Craigslist has some really miscategorized shit in its “miscellaneous manual labor” section. For shame, foot sniffing guy. A hundred bucks is a hundred bucks, but letting someone massage and inhale the death stench of my working feet is not manual labor. That belongs in the “missed connections” section. Speaking of inappropriate shit posted on the internet, IT’S RECAP TIME!!! Today’s show kicked off with the guys admitting that sometimes it’s just pointless to try and plan and winging it is perfectly acceptable when all else fails. Tully got to sleep correctly last night and watch garbage truck videos on YouTube with the McGook baby this morning. He’s coming to the realization that little kids just like watching big machines move. It got weird to him because eventually Linsanity just started watching videos of other kids playing with their toys and that made Tully say “HEY YOU LITTLE SHIT!!! YOU’VE GOT TOYS OF YOUR OWN AND I’VE GOT WORK TO DO!!! HOW’S ABOOT YOU GO MAKE USE OF WHAT YOU HAVE INSTEAD OF LIVING VICARIOUSLY THROUGH ALL THE OTHER KIDS?!?!?!?!!?!?!” OK, maybe it didn’t go exactly like that, but he would’ve liked to see his kid be more of a doer and less of a watcher. Let it be known that if I’m gonna try and be Canadian, I will keep saying aboot until they let me join their courteous ranks. Tully won’t let him watch Power Rangers though, cause he doesn’t wanna bastardize his mom’s side of the family heritage by exposing him to Americanized versions of Japanese comics. Pendarvis stepped in to give his absentee father opinion that maybe Tully needs to get a second screen for the kid to watch so he can be silent and occupied, as any good southern father would suggest. But it’s not as much of a negligent parent thing to do as filming your kids playing with toys for the entertainment of others on YouTube. Still though, it’s better than feeding your kids fifty million advertisements for overpriced bits of plastic and sugary breakfast treats that are delicious any and every time of day. Tully has drawn the line at Barney though, and I have to back him. Fuck that fat purple alcoholic and his obvious yet unspoken statutory relationship with that sveldt young green dinosaur. Jason talked for a while about how it’s awesome that he knows Tony Hawk, and that Tony is well connected enough that he had Yo-Gabba-Gabba live at his kid’s birthday party. Doc Brown (Christopher Lloyd) did a gag video for Yo-Gabba-Gabba with Tony for an almost real live hoverboard, and they trolled the entire internet with it cause Michael J. Fox sure as hell can’t be trusted not to injure himself doing something like that. Too bad it’s not real though, retired skaters with arthritic knees could probably make their mega ramp comeback with a device like that, since there’s no impact on the legs during landing due to the fact that the device is floating on air. The guys talked for a while about how technology is growing faster than ever, but in all the wrong directions, like fuel efficient cars instead of virtual fuck machines. There might be some kinda sweet medical advances sometime in the next few years though, just as long as big pharma doesn’t get their wallets wrapped around it. Still though, would’ve been nice if Einstein had gotten the flying skateboard to happen instead of that stupid atom bomb. I mean, what the fuck did that ever accomplish, really? Ellis was on Dr. Drew On Call again and it seems like some of the other guests are getting a little sick of him cause most TV talking heads are generally horrible people and don’t like anyone with opinions, conflicting or not, that prevent them from speaking their own, at length, whether you ask them to or not. Namely, somebody got uppity at Jason cause he made a joke about the Oscar Pistorious trial. Of course, nobody remembers the four minute speech about defying your haters that Katt Williams used in a comedy special in which he specifically cited Oscar Pistorious (AKA Tink Tink), cause that shit was inspirational as all fuck and showed how corrupt the Olympics really is, but who would have known he’d get arrested for shooting his girlfriend through a door after having Olympic Gold revoked due to the fact that not having legs is an unfair advantage in track and field? What it all boils down to is people are too quick to judge these days, and if you can’t learn to accept some shit once in a while, just don’t leave the fucking house anymore. Some dude called in to talk about anti-gravity technology, but that shit was already proven impossible on Mythbusters, plus dude couldn’t respond when spoken to, so the call was ended. There were some more phone calls about how to troll the Dr. Drew On Call audience and guests, like slapping the shit out of some bongos after every question, or wearing one of those two can helmets and having Sprite on one side and cough syrup on the other, gettin’ sizzurped out live on TV like an absolute retard savant. The guys kicked around more ideas for rocking out on the air when they just don’t have anything planned and need to fill time, Jason was thinking of bringing an amp in the studio for Tully to wail on, and Tully thought a drum kit would be a good idea, which Ellis countered by suggesting Steve Vai as a co-host, and that’s a hard one to argue. Ellis was on Kevin and the Bean today and although he happily guested, they can still both go suck a massive barbed phallus. They were talking some kind of shit about the radio industry and how the Clear Channel advertising propaganda machine is a far superior organization to be a part of than crummy old SiriusXM. Clear Channel, the same company that bought my favorite childhood radio station, along with several others I might almost tolerate, and turned them into more top 40 crap and forced my hand to buy a Sirius radio all of 7 years ago. Yep, Clear Channel, the guys who own pretty much every billboard in America and deny anyone from renting them based solely on the content if it offends any of their shareholders. That Clear Channel. Kudos, K&B, all you’re doing is making me right. Thank you. The guys discussed for a while how scary/utopian it would be to have a dog with monkey intelligence. It could make you a sandwich and actually add something to the conversation but it could also be licking its balls during the whole thing, cause you just can’t fight the urges of your species. While we all stew on that, lets crank some Barracuda and reminisce about the good old days when rearranging the genome for our own convenience and entertainment wasn’t even a discussion topic.


In case you haven’t heard, Jason is gonna be having a book signing/trampoline session with the fans over in Rancho Cucomonga this Saturday. If you’re nearby and want some sharpie scribbles on some stuff, get a dog up ya. And if I haven’t destroyed all your faith in the American Government yet, Obama is planning to build a shittier version of Iron Man, not starring Robert Downey Jr. It doesn’t fly, it doesn’t shoot missiles, it’s never gonna be on tabloid covers for drug related arrests, it’s basically a steel coffin mounted on a Rascal Scooter. Katie stopped by the studio to weigh in on this and other things, and after plowing this suit through a wall (or at least attempting to) maybe she can maim a gerbil with it or something so that she can have one of her friends taxidermy it for some coffee table art. This Iron Man knock off is about as legitimate as those Skechers that plump up your ass, basically another marketing ploy to keep people assuming they have problems that a corporate entity can solve for the low low price of nobody else is doing it so you’ll pay whatever the fuck we tell you. The guys took some phone calls about this ridiculous idea that the military is undertaking for absolutely no benefit to anyone or anything, and basically unless you’re a billionaire playboy, you should keep the mechanical suit ideas to your fucking self. And for no clear reason at all, the guys and gal took a long roundabout way to tell us all that boat people are fucking shady, which makes pretty reasonable sense, cause nobody has ever done any pirating on land or in the air. Zeppelin pirates would be fucking awesome though, basically the only people they could stop midair to be pirated would be advertising blimps and they would take those fuckers for everything they could, which would be maybe $50 in scrap metal and the slowest aerial dogfights in history. There was some chatting about Naomi Campbell for no clear reason, but the guys might bring back a revamped version of the Steven Seagal game with Ms Campbell as the subject, and that could be pretty funny. There were some more phone calls about things and stuff, and people really need to learn how to respond when spoken to, especially when they’re the ones making phone calls. So the real reason Katie stopped by today was to do her very own version of New Music Tuesday, but not necessarily brand new, just new to most of us. Since Katie is a Black Metal psychopath, most of her selections came from the deepest circles of hell and brought back with them a thousand years of suffering not to be halted by your pathetic Judeo-Christian false idols. First track we heard was Devil’s Night by a band called God Module (possibly featuring HateBean and Michael Tully, we can’t really be sure but it does sound like it) and it was a little more dance-ey than murder-ey, but definitely the kind of thing one might see in the next Underworld sequel, complete with the same vocal effect that pretty much every industrial band that has ever existed uses. After that was a song by HTRK (pronounced Hate Rock) and it was still electronic stuff, but more slow paced, like if you were gonna commit passionate murder against a junkie hooker after a long round of opiate fueled hate fucking. Next up was The Chameleons UK and if you like Bauhaus and the slow stuff from Joy Division or The Cure, you might like this one. It was kinda catchy, but not enough for me to think of anything particularly funny to say about it. As Katie put it, “It’s good music for driving through fog.” After that was a band called //Tense// and it was another great song for some almost-snuff-porn-that-may-or-may-not-include-lots-and-lots-of-heroin. Maybe it’s just me, but Katie seems to like a lot of music from the 80’s that seems like it would go well wit heroin, just an opinion from watching lots of weird dark movies I suppose. Next band was Salem playing a song that falls in the genre “witch-house” and as much as I hate most electronic music, I could totally see this being used on a pretty well made indie horror flick, possibly something produced by Rob Zombie. It fit perfectly as a backdrop to that fucked up porn clip from the sex, sports or animal game from last week. You remember, the lady with the massively blasted out asshole who was cumsharting all over the dude’s dick? Yeah, that one. After that we heard from a band called Primal Scream, which started out as an alternative band and then went more psychedelic thing later. There’s a couple of songs from them that I’ve enjoyed, this wasn’t one of them. Would make a good soundtrack to the opening scene in an Episode of CSI where a junkie hooker gets murdered though. Next was Nightmare Fortress with more ass pounding music that could be accented well with some heroin. HEROIN AND AGGRESSIVE BUTT FUCKING, I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT THAT’S ALL ANY OF THIS CAN MAKE ME THINK OF PEOPLE!!! Next one down the line was O (not just O, but oOoOO) which was more witch-house and would fit perfectly in the credit reel of a movie that included lots of heroin and butt fucking. AGGRESSIVE butt fucking. The guys took some phone calls and everybody was complaining like they were getting fucked in the ass with no heroin to soften the blow, but then trying to make comparisons like how screamo music and the band HIM is darker than what Katie is playing, and as a person with very mixed tastes, if it makes me want to do some smack-powered-anal-rampaging, it’s dark fucking music. HIM sucks on a level that is leaps and bounds beyond normal sucking, and screamo is an insult to the punk rock I’ve come to hold so dear. It eventually came back around to the statement I made earlier that if you don’t like it, stay in your room and disinvolve yourself with the entire outside world, the rest of us will appreciate you for it. A couple people called in to reinforce the opinion that people need to broaden their fucking horizons, and pretty much all of them said they could enjoy this stuff if they were fucking while it was playing (Butt fucking. Heroin. You knew I was gonna say it, and I guarantee I wasn’t the only person thinking it). Next was a band called the Murder City Devils, which was completely different from everything else that’s been played so far, more along the lines of psychobilly but a little closer to just some good fun rock music. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I could see myself having vaginal sex without the assistance of heroin with this playing in the background. Finally we heard Light Asylum as and after a long slow new wave build there was a black lady who sang like a shitload of white male 80’s pop stars, but it kind of worked for this particular song, so I’ll give it a pass. Katie desperately needed to piss, so the guys cut off the segment right there and that’s fine with me and a lot of other people, I’m sure.


In case you hadn’t hear, Blake Shelton from Workaholics just turned 30, and in the same day his wife popped out a brand new baby! Good on ya, Blake, keep it classy with the naked selfies next to your wife and kid, nobody’s ever gonna blackmail anybody with that! Some guy in Florida (America’s herpes outbreak, as I’m wont to call it) got fired from his job at a high school for being too old and after he won the lawsuit against the school his cunt of a daughter went and fucked it all up by tweeting that “mommy and daddy are gonna be paying for a vacation in Europe” and because he had to sign a confidentiality clause, that was pretty much null and void after his fucktarded spawn spilled the beans and he had to give the money back. Too bad, I’d have been happy to hear about her losing her passport and having to resort to some heroin fueled butt fucking at an Amsterdam brothel just to get her papers in order to come back stateside. But fuck all of that, cause Joanna Angel is in the studio today to hang with the guys and play a game with Cumtard. This game marks the triumphant return of The Smartest Box In The World, which if you don’t remember, is Kevin Kraft’s balls stuffed through a hole in the top of a shoebox lid that has a lady drawn around the balls, with the balls being placed right where the lady’s titties would be. This game requires that Joanna place things on Kevin’s balls and he has to guess what they are based on shape, weight, general level of shame from having his balls hanging out in a room full of people, and so on. Before all that though, the guys had to rap for a while about how people are a bunch of bitches and always gotta stir the pot and try to start some shit with everybody, I blame reality TV and Facebook for turning everybody into a whiny fucking 14 girl on her period. Once more, stay inside, tin foil on your windows, pull the covers over your head and keep your bullshit to yourself. Joanna was really surprised that Jetta showed up to work in a dress and a wig today, but considering her line of work, it’s probably not the most disturbing thing to see in an average day. After Cumtard’s balls got done prarie dogging in and out of the Smartest Box In The World, the game got underway. If there was any way I could relay the sheer awesomeness of the many items and sounds and hilarity that ensued, I would do so, but unfortunately there are not words that can accurately recreate this scene, but god damn I was laughing like a fucking moron during this whole escapade. If you go check the on demand while you still can, it starts right about the 2 hour 35 minute mark, I highly recommend it. But I can tell you this much, Tully drew nipples on the balls, Jetta was standing by for cleanup duties and fully committed to the job, Joanna titty fucked Kevin’s nut sack, Kevin made hilarious noises like someone was gonna chop his dick off, There were spiders crawling on Cumtard’s balls and he lost his god damn mind as soon as they made contact except that it wasn’t spiders it was actually some crazy biting worms, everybody lost their shit when Kevin had to leave the studio to clean up and yanked the Smartest Box In The World off his balls then had to walk to the bathroom past the law offices on the same floor as the studio, Jetta kept cleaning the balls (cocktail dress and wig and all), Kevin kept screaming like a small child being thrown over a cliff, Joanna put Ben-Gay on the balls and shit was not the slightest bit alright with that, then Joanna smacked him in the balls with a dildo and that just brought back the pain from the Ben-Gay, Katie put cockroaches on Kevin’s balls and Jetta fondled the hell out of them afterwards, Joanna slingshotted the balls with a rubber band several times, and we all learned that pop rocks can be activated when sprinkled on a man’s balls. It was this point in the show when the guys turned to the phones to finish everything out and recover form the hilarity that is Kevin Kraft recovering from a squirt of Ben-Gay to the nuts. Joanna noticed that Jetta’s dress still had the tag on it from Dress barn, and Jetta reported to everyone that he fully intends to return the dress cause all the odd looks he got on the walk in to the studio are too much for him, not like he had Ben-Gay and worms dumped all over his balls or anything, he just had to towel off some testicles in drag. There were some calls and stuff and they were all a lot of the same stuff, but not in the shitty way just the folks saying thanks and fist-bumping through the phone lines. Some folks asked for advice or shared stories about banging strippers or just give comments on how fun the show was today. Some guy called in with some Dogg The Bounty Hunter news, apparently he was at a wedding and started talking some mad shit to his wife out in the parking lot and she smashed a bottle on him and got arrested. Stay classy, America, remember when that guy was an icon? Before his kid revealed to the world that Dogg didn’t want him marrying a black girl cause they all couldn’t chill out with the N-word? Yeah, that guy. Nice job America. Don’t ever stop reminding yourself that you let that happen. Shout out. Heroin and butt fucking. While we’re at it, GET IT RIGHT WITH THE WHOLE DON’T DIE THING! IT’S NOT LIKE ELLIS HAS BEEN DOING IT FOR ALMOST FOUR YEARS OR ANYTHING!!!


Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Recap for Thursday 1/9/2014

Fucking SiriusXM app. Try again. Fucking shit. Check password. God Damn It To Fucking Hell You Shitball Fucking App! Check twitter. Fuck. Are you serious? Fuck!! Damnshitfuck!! Check app. Check twitter. Check app. Repeat ad nauseum for one hour.

Yeah, that’s how the show began for me, so, if you are one of the many listeners who experienced the same thing and were coming here to find out what you missed…I’d apologize if I weren’t still pissed off. And why am I still pissed off? Because the app imploded toward the end of the show as well and left me high and fucking dry. Of course. Oh, except for the last six minutes. It came back to life for the last six minutes. Because, why not?

Our good friend Jude is in the studio by the time my app decided to start working and for a while I was genuinely soothed by the dulcet tones of his voice because I’m a girl and he’s a guy with a sexy voice and Hubbs wasn’t around to talk to me with his similarly fucking amazing brown sugar butter voice. I came in right smack in the middle of a conversation that I’m not sure I really wanted to know all that much about where Cumtard was talking about drinking a blood blister and Ellis’s headphones kept cutting out. Tully doesn’t think that it would be too bad to suck the juice out of a blood blister if he was getting a blowjob at the same time, but Ellis thinks that it would be better if he drank bloody blister juice before or after receiving a blowjob as to not taint the deed itself. Jude agrees with Ellis more than Tully, though he probably wouldn’t do blood blister sucking at all because he is super not into bodily fluids, and would rather just get the blowjob or have sex. Which turns ironic when Cumtard brings up a story from Jude’s new book Hyena. And yeah…that is the link to go buy it off of Amazon, because you should. Anyway…let me do this up right:

*Cue the epic movie background music*
Much like today, when Jude was a young boy of about 18 or 19 he enjoyed getting laid. At this particular time in his life the object of his affections was a youthful lady moved to the city who banged a lot of black dudes because those are kind of a novelty when you move to the city from SmallTown America. After some vociferous lovemaking on her part, she became pregnant with an unwanted love child and Jude valiantly agreed to be the one to take the young lass to the abortion clinic. Jude, being well versed in life on the mean streets of a big city was familiar with the abortion process, despite his rather young age, and knew that this sweet, young piece of ass would be out of commission for a few weeks following the procedure and the morning of, decided that he would try to get one last sac romp in. As the maiden was not quite in the mood to make the beast with two backs Jude employed all of the tricks in his book in order to get her to consent to being pounded, finally settling on eating her out, as she had been doing black guys and they don’t eat pussy. Apparently. Anyway *cue the rise in dramatic music* Jude sets to work and notices that something is not tasting not quite right. In fact, it tastes like pennies and fish, but he powers through it because he really wants to get laid. Like really. And sometimes you just have to power through that shit. But the taste continues, in fact, it gets worse, so he decides to get on to the pounding (albeit somewhat distracted by remnants of the taste in his beard). Jude takes the girl to the clinic and five minutes after walking in, she comes back out- not because she has decided to keep the baby….but because *throw some drums in there movie music guy…and maybe some horns and cymbals* she had a miscarriage. Bumbumbum BA-DUM!!!!!! If you can’t make the leap…Jude ate miscarried baby goop out of some bitch’s cookie back in the day. Yeah. He did. No wonder he isn’t a fan of bodily fluids. How did the relationship go after that and the utterly silent half hour car ride home? Let’s just say that there’s really no coming back from eating miscarriage product straight from the source…but he still got to drive her car. *Fade to black*

You’re welcome.

Next up on The Jason Ellis Show, Ellis wants to talk about how if he can’t have his own Jason Ellis channel he will overtake Faction to the point where it’s The Jason Ellis Show Channel anyway. What does this mean? He wants the fans of the show and listeners of Faction to really be heard about the music that gets played on Faction and to get the shit music off of the station and sent into the abyss of being played on some other SiriusXM channel. How can this happen? Well, one thing that can be done is for listeners to go here and sign up to be on the Faction Board of Directors where you fill out surveys about the music that gets played on the channel. This, rather simple topic spirals into a lengthy debate/discussion between Ellis, Will, and Tully about Ellis talking about it on the radio and possibly influencing or ‘tainting’ the results of the survey. The gist? Will says that Ellis has a lot of influence and that if he says to listeners “go and vote to get Beck taken off of Faction rotations” that we mindless automatons will go and vote and get Beck taken off of Faction. Which, really isn’t a bad thing, but I guess Will is more afraid of an “insert name of marginally popular band in place of Beck” proclamation of abhorrent suckiness that will get an okay or even more than okay band or song kicked out of the rotation because we are mindless and Ellis says so. What Will wants, what Ellis and Tully want, is for the listeners of Faction to be as happy about the music played on Faction as possible. Obviously there is no making everyone happy about everything all of the time, but, as close as possible is what they’re all aiming for. Calls on the subject are taken. People love 311, people hate 311, everyone hates Beck, someone makes a restaurant analogy that doesn’t quite make sense to me, and a mindless automaton calls (which probably shook Wilson to the bone). Talking about the music played on air, while on the air, qualifies as the worst torture imaginable for Will so Tully and Ellis play some songs that are currently played on the station and pass their judgement in as non-influential way possible.

Back from the break Ellis and Tully are joined in the studio by Jim Florentine and…nope…just him for now cause the other guy is dropping a deuce. Jim Florentine has a really hot wife who Ellis still can’t believe is married to him because she can do so much better as she is smart, beautiful, and really put together and Jim Florentine is…Jim Florentine. Don Jamieson (the guy who just took a shit) joins the party and they talk about how sometimes it’s better if you’re with a woman who’s taste doesn’t run too similar to yours because then you aren’t surprised when shit that you like she hates and vice versa. Tully points out that if you both like metal, then you probably don’t both like the same kind of metal, and if you’re girl says she doesn’t like the new Sabbath even though she likes metal well, then, she just has to die. And that’s messy. And no one wants that. It would be much easier if she liked country and you knew she didn’t like it because she doesn’t effing understand it anyway. Ellis asks Jamieson about himself because he already knows Florentine and apparently Don Jamieson is a guy from Jersey who makes dick jokes that owns 6 guitars and can’t play them. But really, they are on the show because they are comedians with a show on VH1 called That Metal Show and they are funny ass fucks who love metal. They talk a lot about getting laid, how the pickup line “Hey, do you want to sit on my face?” still works (with an apparent 1/10 girl odds in a college bar, in case you were wondering), and farts. I really wasn’t surprised about the pickup line story because the guy I’ve been with for the past 3 or 4 years or whatever got me with the fabulous pick-up “I want to hump your face” because I’m the bitch who says back, “that’s because I have a very humpable face” with the story ending in a hotel room at dawn after no sleep and lots of face humping and other activities. True Story.

Back to Ellis (because no, I’m not trying to create fun and interesting filler to fill the void created in this recap and my life by the SiriusXM app. Not. Notnotnot.) Jim Florentine has never seen the hole of his own ass, or the hole of his wife’s ass. He is more disappointed about one than the other. Apparently his wife is not in to butt play. Which is all fine and good, to each his own, yaddayadda, but I still think it’s weird that he hasn’t at least seen it. I mean…it’s right there! It isn’t really a surprise that she hasn’t seen the hole of his ass considering how much gas comes out of it as Jim and Don are very vocal about their years of fart-based antics. Ellis thinks that their fart stories are gross…but they are also really amazing. I mean…these guys almost downed a plane with their ass-gas, they cleared out a Slipknot after party in a bar at Madison Square Garden that is remembered by Corey Taylor TO THIS DAY, and made Axle Rose’s sister think that the venue they were in was under a terrorist attack. With ass gas. Benji Madden (who wandered into the studio at some point) is duly impressed with their fart stories. But Florentine brings up how he still holds out hope that his wife will eat his ass. Don Jamieson shoots him down saying that once she knows what comes out of there she will never do it, and tells Ellis and Tully that his girlfriend refused to toss his salad after they moved in together and he used the bathroom saying, “Never again.” And, maybe I’m gross (in my notebook approximately every other sentence while taking notes on this is ‘does this mean I’m gross’) because I’ve been with Hubbs for years, I’m well aware at what his butt is capable of, and…yeah, I still do it. So, in case you were wondering…I might be gross. Although…I am also very aware of his bathing habits sooooo…maybe I’m only a little gross? Whatever. It’s fun.

Still talking about farts and the powers of their asses, Ellis asks them what their Instagram handles are, because he wants to see this shit on Instagram. But…they don’t have Instagram!!!!!!! Benji, Tully, and Ellis then break down for them exactly why they should have the popular app, why in fact as entertainers it is kind of their job to have the app, and though Jim Florentine comes out firmly against Instagram in the beginning of the conversation, Benji seems to have him convinced by the end. So…look forward to that folks!!!!!

Up after the break- Bert McCracken and Christian Hand and a new single from Death!Death!Die!

Except then SiriusXM sucks dick and my app shit the fuck out again. Yeah..I know. Fuck me. I tried and tried and tried and finally got back in for the last 6 minutes of the show and listened to some final calls which I didn’t really hear through the hatred screaming in my mind for SiriusXM and their app. I turned to Twitter for help and was told that Bert talked about life in Australia and was awesome (because Duh) and Cumtard is super against the idea of a chick playing around his bum-hole. I heard the tail (ha) end of this and he’ll take a dildo up the butt for the cool amount of $10,000 cash. That’s a pretty high price. In case you don’t know, and are reading this for some reason Mr. Kraft, the anus has a million more nerve endings than the head of your dick so having a dildo up there probs feels pretty fantastical for you. I mean, as a girl, I think it feels like stars bursting into magic. Start small- a pinkie, a tongue, anything…go read my blog, convince yourself. It’s phenomenal. Don’t knock it til you try it. I did hear Adam do his closing, but he didn’t really help my situation…gee thanks guy…and that’s where this all sort of ends. Sorry if you are disappointed. Feel free to hate at me @jennimazky on twitter. Maybe I’ll post pics of my boobs in penance. I dunno. I’m pretty disappointed in myself. Even if it isn’t completely my fault. But that sounds like a bullshit lame excuse.

Things we learned on the Jason Ellis Show today:

Jude ate a black kid

My Blood plays on Liquid Metal

Will is chippy these days

Rude Jude wants to play music picks on the show

It doesn’t get awkward anymore…no one cares

Dropkick Murphy’s are too good for Ellis to be able to convince his fandom that they are bad

Tully likes Vampire Weekend

Wax sounds like the band

David Blaine is better than Criss Angel, but he’s still a kook

If Tully and Ellis can agree on one thing….it’s Praise the Lord

Funny people can get laid

Jim Florentine would take a blowjob from a sheet with a mouth hole, but would prefer an ugly girl, cause she would try harder

Ellis got 4 blowjobs last night and came 3 1/2 times

Fart jokes will always be funny

Benji Madden is awesome

If you’re going to be in the game, then you have to play the fucking game

Go to


***again…I’m sorry about this…I know this wasn’t the recap that you were looking for…and I don’t have the right droids either. Gripe to me on twitter. Don’t hold it against me too long. Love you guys!!!

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 10/2/13

As everyone knows by now, no live show today. Why? We don’t know for certain yet. There’s all kinds of speculation as to the what and the why, but that’s all it is, speculation. So before we all go ape-shit, let’s slow our roll a little and figure out what we do know.

  • Clearly, Ellis is pissed. About what exactly? Not sure, but one might be led to guess a promise was broken or hasn’t happened yet. But that’s all it is, a guess. It could be to do with the studio, or it could be to do with something completely different. One thing I am sure of, when and if the time is right, Ellis will let everyone know exactly what the deal is. I’m not a betting man, but if I were, I would think we’ll probably get some amount of clarification when the show is live tomorrow.
  • A lot of people, including myself, were ready to get Ellis’ back. I’m sure he knows that and personally, I’m hoping (betting) that whatever the issue is, will be resolved soon and we will all have our favorite show and people back.
  • Why do I think this? Several things lead me to think this:
    • Ellis just recently went to New York to negotiate his contract and said he got everything they all wanted. We’ve seen proof of this as he is in the new studio, even if it still needs tweaks.
    • Channel 713, a 24/7 channel of Ellis is at our finger tips on our phones or with the online player.
    • Replays have come back to channel 41.
    • There have been several mentions of Sirius XM potentially sponsoring EllisMania.
    • Ellis was recently given sought-after tickets to his favorite band, Metallica.
    • Even just yesterday, Ellis eluded to how much more we’re going to be getting soon. That might be a hint towards another channel, much like Howard has, or maybe something else we don’t know about. Either way, it sounds like something pretty significant.
    • If you were listening close yesterday, while Ellis was saying that he didn’t think Will knew how to take an Instagram video, he said Kevin was there and would have him do it. One has to assume that he was talking about Kevin Kraft. Kevin usually only comes in to be part of a bit. But yesterday, he was just there and not part of any bits. Why? Have the guys secured him full or part time as a producer? If so, that must be part of a budget. A budget would come from Sirius XM, and they never seemed to have that kind of budget before. So that might be an indication that the show has bigger budget now.

So keeping all that in mind. Why would Sirius XM not want Ellis anymore? Why would they move him to a new studio? Why would they okay channel 713, replays on Faction, put a new boss in charge (Tim Sabean), and whatever else was negotiated? The short answer is, Sirius XM would not be investing in him if they didn’t want and believe in him, his crew, and his fans.


Keep calm and read on.

While some people tend to put Ellis on a pedestal, what we can sometimes forget is the fact that Ellis is indeed a human, just like us. And he’s passionate about his baby (the show) and even his fans. I’m sure at least some of you don’t realize how rare that is, a talent being passionate about his fans. Ellis fights for himself, his family, his friends, and yes, even his fans. There is no doubt in my own mind that Ellis, Rawdog, Tully, Will, etc. all want the show to succeed and be entertaining to their fans. This isn’t just about them getting more money, this is about producing a quality show they can be proud of, a show that entertains the largest amount of fans as possible. This is what happens when people are passionate and trying their best to make something better and to keep it growing. You fight for it. You make mistakes. But you also make it better, you improve. These are growing pains.


Well? Are you or are you not?

Imagine you’re an artist. You’re in the process of creating your best work yet. And everyday, someone takes away your brushes, mixes all your paints up, smudges your canvas, and you have to re-do everything. Each day. All the time. Without fail. How frustrated would you be? How pissed would you be? Would you give up? What would you do? It would be infuriating. Most of us have taken pride in our work at some point and have dealt with similar issues. And I’m betting most of us have handled it nearly the same way. We were pissed and you either piped up and said something or you just grinned, bared it, and moved on. Congratulations, you’re a human too. Just like Ellis.

In closing, my point here was to calm some unsteady nerves, even if only for myself. As much as we all want to instantly attack something on behalf of Ellis, that may not be the proper response, at least not yet. Let’s wait and see what Ellis tells us and then the decision can better be made. Stay positive. Between EllisFam, Wolfknives, fans, etc. we can certainly make our voices be heard. But to have any credence, we first need the facts and to know exactly what we’re voicing our concerns about.

Or, I could be completely wrong and totally full of shit. Your call.



You…. Yoooouuuu!

Show re-cap for Friday, 9/20/2013

Welcome to the end, not the for reals end, just the end of the week. Ellis was almost late today also. Not because he was playing bumper cars but because he was not prepared but fuck it. Hahaha butt fuck it. Welcome to the Friday recap folks and stay tuned for more hilarious commentary like that. Ellis is having issues with finding a sparring partner, it’s tough to find someone to punch early in the morning. Apparently all the good guys are in the gym in the middle of the day because they don’t bother with peasant work and actors rocky.park_.bench_1don’t like getting punched in the face. He did however get the opportunity to box with a ginormous shredded black dude. Ellis got rocked because the dude was way better of a boxer but during the fourth round he was just trying to keep Ellis motivated to keep going. And he called Ellis baby, then they went for tea. It was a wonderful evening. Tully might have to take a staycation again because he’s working on another book, he says it’s his fault that they are not taking a proper vacation but personally I blame The Man. Ellis is still planning on going to Panama and jumping into the ocean off his deck. Rawdog didn’t say where he’s planning on going, so most likely he will just be giving his girlfriend the D the entire time. Ever watch Rocky and wonder how many miles he’s running in that classic scene? Neither did I till now, some dude figured it all out so I can finally sleep at night. A dude called in saying something about obesity being a disease and not a decision but honestly it’s a little of both. It has everything to do with metabolism, eating habits, activity levels, genetics, etc. Speaking of lard asses, a baby in Saudi got up to 72 pounds and is the youngest person to get gastric bypass ever. All the experts say that you shouldn’t diet, it’s a life change, you actually need to change everything you do, oh and also educate yourself, all them word books might learn you a thing or two.

Damien Esteban, son of Satan and Gloria, was a teacher who served jury duty and got caught with heroine in his backpack and then got fired and then cried like a bitch to the courts and then had to get rehired so now Mr. Smack is back to work teachin the youth of tomorrow. The mythical blue tiger of China may have been spotted but most likely it had stripes, da dum tssss. “Cocaine up the butt story singer woman” <- this was in my notes and it made me laugh so enjoy. The new iPhones are selling mainly because you can get a finger print one or a cheap one with a number of color options, or because they also come in gold. The cool thing about the gold ones is that they are ergonomically designed to fit inside your rectum with minimal discomfort Then they talked about the weird shit in food flavoring like that castorium stuff that comes from beaver buttholes. But I think we have talked enough about beaver buttholes on this site so I will refrain from discussing beaver buttholes any more. Beaver buttholes.

And you thought cat buttholes were nasty, but at least this tastes like vanilla.

And you thought cat buttholes were nasty, but at least this tastes like vanilla.

Cumtard the Cumtardian from Sector Tard came in to do the two things he does best, smoke weed and put things in his butt. All alleged of course. The alleged idea is that somehow they would get weed smoke inside Kevin’s ass with the attempt to get him high and also to get him to fart smoke. I can’t properly explain the technique used during the first attempt but I can assure you that it did not work too well. After the first failed attempt, Kevin and Rawdog went into the green room and emerged with the mechanics of the second try, a balloon full of smoke. With the help of Tully and Josh, Kevin accepted an entire balloon of smoke that was attached to the end of the turkey baster. All in all the experiment didn’t turn out as well as hoped. The smoke farts were almost none and the discomfort of cramming a turkey baster in your turd cutter makes it a far less desirable way of getting high than the many other options, but he did catch a good high, allegedly.

"Cumtarding" and how it might be killing your kids, tonight at eleven!

“Cumtarding” and how it might be killing your kids, tonight at eleven!

An Arizona man has been accused of branding his initials on his girlfriends genitals, hopefully he will die from a thousand AIDS dicks cramming him in every orifice for the next fifty years. On a more awesome note, a  61 year old man in Texas went into the hospital drunk but hadn’t drank a drop, it turned out to be a yeast allergy and was essentially brewing beer in his stomach, God likes him a lot.

In case you missed Metallica Live from the Apollo on SiriusXm channel 111 our good friend, the artist formerly known as @Cobratits, @SXMRob, has a gift for you.

Thomas Hayden Church joined us after the break. They talked about Kevin being a dick on the phone, Metallica, keeping the faith, the clap getting clapped outta your dick, the porche, and THC’s newest movie that he’s filming that he’s playing a street fighter in. Thomas talked about the movie industry and the drop in movies and how he doesn’t want to be on a TV show because he doesn’t want to be away from his kids in Texas. And then they just hung out and chatted and bullshitted like friends that haven’t seen each other in a while and are catching up over a bucket of beers. I’m trying to think of something funny to say for the ending but I’m not in the mood because I’m outta money and yer mums free trial is already over, OH!


Show Re-Cap for Friday 3/1/2013

It’s the first day of March and in case you didn’t know, that means that manatees are dumb, but they’re cute, like women. And life is like getting fucked with open vagina wounds, I don’t know what that means but Forest was way off. Ellis talked about the time he and his brother went kayaking on a peaceful Australian morning, and as they were paddling through the majestic ocean, Ellis saw something. Was it a log? A giant whale turd? Maybe something more sinister lurked in the waters around them. They paddled closer and to their surprise it was a massive salt water crocodile! Being the brave and masculine guys they were, they turned tail and got the fuck out of there because even manly men don’t want to be eaten in the middle of the ocean. Intern, Anal Gay Lewis,

This is Kosher, right?

This is Kosher, right?

needs to shave, he’s starting to look like an Asian white trash baby Mike Vallely face. Cumtard is leaving… again, so he’s drinking… again. Ronda Rousey was asked to be in a movie, something about South Africa, and according to Jason’s screen saver he loves Creed, Hatebreed, and that dude from Hollywood Undead. Tully had kosher sushi which brought on the Jewish learning segment. Apparently Jews kill cows with kindness. And finger blasts. And hand jobs. Lucky Jewish cows, but unlucky Jewish butchers.

Canadians, am I right? Apparently the beady eyed mole people have been up to their schenannigans again. Kind of early though, I thought they were still hibernating, but this must mean that we can expect an early spring this year. Here is a video of old people singing in a Tim Hortons, that’s Canadian for Starbucks. And here’s a crazy Timmie’s waitress! That woman is crazy! Canadian scientists continue their ever important quest of developing shoes that are resistant to the ever hazardous surface of ice. And just as you thought that Canadians were all smiles and dancing, here’s an angry hockey dad to level things out. And finally a news woman demonstrates how her son uses her electric toothbrush for teething comfort. Just so you don’t think I’m racist to those frosty friends to the north, here’s some good old fashioned American Women AmI Right news. A Murican tumblr_lew5kfkWL51qdy1k6o1_400 (2) bitchnews woman shits herself over cat video. (She doesn’t really shit herself, but close). Some cunt is sentenced after the eleventh time she has falsely accused eleven dudes of rape in ten months, she also qualifies for Bitch Had It Coming News. A woman claimed she was kidnapped, raped, and had her baby stolen just to avoid telling her family that she had miscarriage. Another woman called because she got her hand stuck in her glove box, and another brilliant woman created a Peruvian man hunt after her son and his girlfriend didn’t respond to her Facebook messages. So there you go Canada, feel better?

Rawdog believes that folding clothes is useless and hes adopted the policy of, fuck folding! Which also explains his lack of vagina in his life. Kevin has a big secret, something that he doesn’t want anybody to know. But I have an inside source to spill the beans that he so well protects. This super secret life changing gossip about Kevin is that he smokes weed!!! Apparently Bieber has roid arms and poopie pants, but either way, that dude is still rollin in more snatch than you so don’t hate. Rodman is friends with Kim Jon Un and is droppin mad dunks on their basketball team. Morrissey is mad at Jimmy Kimmel for booking the Duck Dynasty guys at the same time. This outraged Morrisey because he is some tofu farting fairy who thinks animals are just good to look at. Good for Kimmel. Mark Burnett is making a ten part TV show of the bible with his wife, in case you were wondering what you won’t be dynasty

Get the cock off your chest started slow, but then got better, then dropped right off after Cumtard’s genetics theory about the pretty people getting prettier and ugly people getting uglier, then brought back by a dude in Canada and one hell of a threesome story! Thanks Canada. Don’t tell Murica I said that. The guys left Kevin alone in the studio to take final calls on his second final day with the show. It was pretty typical, stupid callers. A lot of people rag on Kevin, often. But honestly  he is probably the best call screener, contestant, and punching bag that the show has yet to see. He is a great sport, good at what he does, and brings a different kind of humor to the show that Ellis, Tully, and Josh don’t provide. I personally hope he comes back, again. On behalf of NoYouAre and a vast majority of the EllisFam, we say goodbye Kevin, you will be missed.