Show Recap for Thursday 9/11/2014

Hey there Lads and Ladies, and hopefully black people who are also Lads and Ladies, but, like Ellis, I’m just gonna throw the specification out there and hope that you are part of the audience of The Jason Ellis Show and are also here reading this wonderful recap on this fantastic site…and, really, no matter how many times I tried to write that sentence, it still feels kind of racist, so I’m just gonna throw out there that my Great Grandma’s name is Xulema and she was from Louisiana and I have booty for days and hold on to the dear hope that I am more than just the whitest of the white. God…still kind of racist. Whatever. Today’s show was not, in fact, a Best Of, which Hubbs and I may have been the only people who thought that for three seconds before we realized we were tuned into the Jason Ellis Channel (SiriusXM 713) rather than The Jason Ellis Show on Faction with Jason Ellis (SiriusXM 41) and Jason opened up the show with a big welcome to all of us listening and his sincere desire to have more really black friends because he doesn’t have close black friends, not to offend any of the acquaintance type friends he has that are black, and he thinks life would be better if he had one. And somewhere, Sal Masekela was probably listening to Ellis say these words and I imagine a single solitary tear rolling down his cheek as he was referred to as a ‘cream pie’ because…HA motherfucking Ha.

Anyway, HotDog wanders his wonderful boob touching self into the studio and he gets to talking with Ellis and Tully about what he’s been up to as of late and he says that he’s been loafing it pretty hard the past few days, which sounds really offensive to me, but he really just means that he’s been up to a whole lot of nothing but getting high and watching television. Which, consequently seems to be on the menu for da Hubbs and I since we have managed to find ourselves unemployed (and no, it’s not because we got caught having sex on a roof somewhere), except for the whole getting high thing since neither of us do that, and not really so much of the watching TV thing since we don’t really do that either. I’m actually fully over How It’s Made…I don’t think they make new episodes anymore (the Dream Cars don’t count because I don’t care about them) and I’ve seen every existing episode about a thousand times. Yeah, I inserted my own personal tragedy there. Fucking shithole douchebag scumbag asshole boss was like “Consider yourself unemployed because I need to blame someone for my mistakes that I make running my own business,” and I’m a little bummed, but also really mostly over it. On to bigger and better things and more time for recaps…am I right? But yeah, so Ellis, Tully, and Hotdog talked about working out, which is something that HotDog does not do, but thinks about from time to time and it seems like he might be taking some lessons from Ellis at his Garage Onnit Gym because HotDog can get his hands on a Tractor Tire, probably. Ellis and Tully also find out that HotDog has an apartment in LA (which I have no idea how they missed that the 100 other times he mentioned it) and learn that his favorite foods are pizza, doritos, and popcorn. Tully pegs HotDog as one of the luckiest people alive because he is one of those people whose life’s ambitions and pleasures are all relatively simple, as he is a young man who has never owned a pair of jeans in his life. I think Tully is kind of jealous of the happiness that HotDog finds in simplicity, but we all already know that Tully would kind of love to be one of those kinds of people, but in reality would probably hate it unless he managed to get a brain transplant so he could have the kind of personality to be satisfied by the simpler things in life.

Today is the HotDog’s first actual day back for his second round of interning for The Jason Ellis Show (which means all those boob grabs were freeloader boob grabs) and Ellis and Tully talk to him a bit about what he’s learned about the Radio Industry considering it is what HotDog wants to do with his life. He replies that he’s learned a lot about call screening and that he’s learned a lot about behind the scenes stuff from Will and Tully, and credits Ellis with teaching him how to work with people. Which is kind of funny since Ellis can come off rather volatile at times (because he cares, no hate here) but he clarifies saying that Ellis puts a premium on having everyone work together as a team to get things done. Then Ellis kind of puts HotDog on the spot and has him host a bit to try out the ‘Radio Host’ aspect of the biz and puts him on for Dude, Am I A Slut. HotDog only got to take two calls from two sort of sluts but sort of not sluts and I had my finger on the call button on my phone to call to have HotDog tell me that I am a slut because I felt bad, but I was behind a couple minutes in listening and by the time I got through they weren’t doing it anymore. Ellis gave HotDog a few pointers on what he can take away from the experience (other than being bad at it, but I don’t think he was that bad) and also let him know that over the course of this internship he’ll be given a few more shots at running bits to see if he gets any better, which is pretty cool.

After HotDog goes back to the Dungeon (or Green Room, you know, whatever you wanna call it) Tully brings up the season premiere of The Ultimate Fighter last night, and what Ellis thought about it. Ellis didn’t think all that much about it other than the house seemed cool and he noticed Justin Bua’s artwork on the walls, and the girls all seem like good fighters, but since there’s only been one episode he didn’t really have a handle on who he would pick to be a winner at this point. He talked a bit about the fight that took place on the episode and how, in the after show, the girl that lost was very steadfast with certainty that she shouldn’t have lost the fight even though she was on the ground most of the time, and Ellis said he’s starting to kind of understand that angle, which is an angle he previously took issue with. Ellis also said that he was kind of into the whole aftershow since he was more interested in watching the girl and host talk about the fight than he was in watching whatever drama occurred during the show itself when the girls were crying about who stole who’s makeup. It makes more sense than there being an aftershow for Teen Wolf, anyway…sorry short lived member of DDD! TyPo! (Lol, jk I’m not sorry at all, I don’t give a half shit about that show).

A Happy Birthday is in store for The Backbone, Bryan Cullen, the man behind the scenes and across the country from The Jason Ellis Show, so…Happy Birthday!!!! And yeah, it really blows that your birthday will basically forever be overshadowed by the fact that a National Tragedy occurred on this date in more recent history because thousands of innocent people lost their lives…and there’s no other way to end that sentence. It is also September 11th, which is a date that no one will ever forget, and a day where I hope everyone takes just a couple of minutes to remember the lives lost, and the lives that continue to be lost not just because of the terrorist organization responsible for the WTC and Pentagon attacks, but because of Terror Organizations everywhere…with all this ISIS stuff going on, with the unrest in Syria…wars are still being fought whether they are called wars or not, and there are still Americans overseas losing their lives as well as the innocent people in those countries who are subjected to horrific things every day. I don’t think there can ever be world peace, but, I think that there is a more peaceful world we can be living in and I think it’s important to remember. There are a lot of people who think we should forget, who don’t want to remember, and I understand that…but it’s like saying all those people don’t matter. I’m a New Yorker, September 11th is a big deal to me…I know people who died 13 years ago today and I know people who are still overseas fighting these battles. It’s a sad day, like Ellis said, but Happy Birthday Backbone, you’re a great man to us all!

On to….equally depressing things…Ellis is headed to Australia for the Holiday Season. Like, really. Had to talk about booking flights and stuff and it occurs to him now that he is actually going through with it and he is going to be in Australia for the first time since he was married. That’s a long time. It’s kind of messing with him a bit because there’s a lot of unresolved shit back home in Koala Land and as much as he wants to deal with it, he doesn’t want to deal with it, he just wants to be past it and…he says he feels like he’s ready but…oh ellipses, you’re such a brutal fuck sometimes. Ellis has issues with his Mum and how she reacted to him trying to talk to her about things from his childhood and he has a lot of resentment for her and doesn’t  really think that she did the best that she could with him considering the cards that she was dealt. Ellis wants her to have a relationship with his kids and his kids want a relationship with her, and he doesn’t want to let his kids in on the info that screwed his relationship with his mother in the first place. This part of the show was super sad for me. I dunno…there were a couple of callers with some really good advice and a lot of encouragement and Tully suggesting that maybe he should just write his mother off in his mind (until his kids are grown and he can write her off for real) and it was just sad. I mean, really, Ellis’s mother didn’t even text him back when he was going in for Heart Surgery. That shit is colder than cold.

Back from the first break, Women, Am I Right? If you were listening yesterday then you knew this was on the menu for today and after a long break between crazy lady stories…let’s see what antics the female population has been up to, shall we? First off there’s the lady who crashed her car while shaving her vag on her way to see her boyfriend…which is just…amazing. I mean…I get touchy shaving my vag in the shower because I’m scared that one false move will disfigure my very very beautiful vagina…but holy, shit lady…what happens if you hit a bump in the road? Or you know, like another fucking car?!?!?!?!?!?! But, I guess she thought she had all her bases covered since she had her Ex-Husband in the car with her and he was working the wheel while she had her feet on the pedals and her hands and eyeballs on her vaginal area, so I can see how she felt a little more confident in this FUCKING INSANE ENDEAVOR. And, also lady, hi five on getting your ex to help you drive to your boyfriend’s house while you shave your vag #classyasfuck. Next up, there’s the lady who performed a home invasion and bit the face of her female victim and claimed it was part of a zombie game and had nothing to do with her being high as fuck, and I’m just over here being like, The Walking Dead isn’t even back on TV for another month you dummy. Although it did make Ellis think that he should start a zombie game on Instagram, which I kind of look forward to cause, you know, Zombies rule. That kind of pales in comparison to the Florida Babysitter who stabbed a man she babysits for because he refused to have sex with her. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Isn’t the Dad supposed to be all creepy and try and seduce the babysitter? And on and on it went because…Women, Am I Right?

Speaking of New York (which I was earlier and so were Jason and Tully) The Jason Ellis Show is performing a Tour de Horse this October and will be coming to New York for a week and topping it all of Saturday, October 25th with a HorseForce performance and hopefully some Ellismania Fight Prelims cause HELL YEAH!!!! Ellis wants to take some calls for ideas from fans for some new fight ideas because NY is gonna be a test run for whichever fight seems like it will work the best and then that is going to be a new fight at the long anticipated Ellismania 10, prolly in Vegas. Ellis is still backing his Master Blaster idea where two people are strapped to him and Kit Cope and they all duke it out and there are some other promising ideas put forth by callers including a Blindfold Fight, A Bouncy Castle type Fight, a T-Rex Fight, a Fight with weighted Boots, and some other things which I missed because shit happened and I lost 5 minutes…but it was only five minutes so…deal with it. Tully also brought up an idea for Shock Collar Charades performed by fans which I think sounds like an amazing idea and I fully volunteer to don the shock collar and act out charades for Hubbs to guess…because that’s sexy, because I’m a freak. They’re also thinking about bringing the punch pad out here and letting fans throw some punches, and having HotDog judge him some East Coast Boobies…which, again, I volunteer myself for, because my boobs are awesome and Hubbs is cool with it because it’s for a good cause.

Back from another break Tully and Ellis are talking about a statue in Vancouver that is a giant Satan where the penis was taken off for being offensive. There is a petition going around to have the Satan statue re-endowed and the police up there are all ‘hey, come on down and get the penis’ but no one has fallen for that one yet. They go on to talk about all manner of statues that could be lewd and crude and offensive and wonder if they would be forced to take them down or not, and if the same size statue, but of Jesus or something Christian were around, if people would have a problem with it. This gets transitioned into a veryveryveryvery long segment where Tully wonders if there’s any other Celebrity/Public figure that deserves to be taken care of/given a job a la World’s Greatest Wednesday Hulk Hogan. And…honestly…I was not a big fan of the segment. It went on for like 45 minutes longer than it should of and my mind constantly wandered to, “huh, I guess they didn’t have much planned for the show today” and if I pumped it up and was all, ‘best segment ever’ I’d be a liar and I am not a liar. I enjoyed it for the first 15 minutes, approximately, but then it got all draggy and I continued taking notes but not being too happy about it. There are several celebs who Ellis and Tully think are deserving of the Hulk Hogan treatment, like Marilyn Manson, Cindy Lauper, Pamela Anderson, Danzig, David Lee Roth, and Mr. T…and they should be showered with small apartments or farms in Minnesota, but there were tons of celebs offered up by the callers that got the big ‘hell no’ or the less offensive, ‘no, they don’t really need any help, they’re doing good’ like Tomg Green, Pauly Shore, LT, Ralph Macchio, and Vanilla Ice. Like I said, I didn’t really enjoy the segment and it fell kinda flat, so I’m not going to subject you to reading about it because in this case, I HAVE ALL THE POWER SO YOU GOTS TO BE SUBJECTED TO MY WILL NIETSCHE-STYLE.

Rounding out the show, amidst final calls, Tully brings up that Ellis will be on with Dr. Drew tonight and one of the things that he will be discussing is the lady who decided to give her child some Fireball Whiskey, post a pic of it to Facebook, and subsequently was arrested. Now, Ellis and Tully seem to agree that this woman was very stupid to post the picture to social media given that in these wonderful times we live in, there are whistle blowers everywhere, and she may generally not be the best mom ever…but criminal? They go back and forth on the difference of if it had been a sip of beer, if the kid had been older than 7, if it was a shot as opposed to a sip…and I just think that we’re in different times. Things that our parents did to us or for us, are things that get people arrested today, for better or for worse. No…you probably should not give a 7 year old a sip of whiskey, but you should definitely not do it and then post it to Facebook. I don’t remember when I had my first taste of wine, but I was prolly around 9 and my parents didn’t make a big deal about it. I don’t really worry about it with my stepson because he thinks that Daddy’s beer smells really bad (probably because he thinks anything that isn’t water is disgusting). Do I think the lady should have been arrested and that she should go to jail? Not really. If anything, yeah, maybe get CPS to pay her a visit and make sure everything is going okay and at most she should have been given some sort of citation…but prolly having her arrested is insane. There was a caller that suggested that maybe there was something more going on behind the scenes since she experienced something similar and DSS asked her a couple questions and everything was okay…but I don’t even know about that. Social workers are people, they have to rely on their own instincts to make judgment calls and sometimes they can be overly cautious…also, considering the amount of scrutiny that Social Workers are under nowadays some may operate under the ‘better safe than sorry’ policy that can lead to traumatic experiences for families who haven’t done anything wrong. Whatever…just some thoughts.

What we learned on TJES today:

Ellis wants more black friends

HotDog gets the refillable bucket of popcorn at the movie theater so he can bring it home for snacktime

Caller Holly is a Slut…and she knows it

Ellis is going to start Transcendental Meditation with Katie

Don’t shave and drive

Sluggo Hurt his back

Leave Danzig Alone

BJ Baldwin is kind of a superstar

Minnesota has plenty of room to give some celebs free farms

Burt Reynolds > Ocean’s 11 cast

Ellis is going to see Sam Tripoli perform some comedy tonight

Good Comedy is way harder to find than Good Tits



Thanks for listening to me blather on, guys!!! Love you xoxo

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/15/2014


Cricket. Don’t even bother, we’re not meant to understand.

What’s up party people in the place to be? I know what you’re thinking. “There are pictures in this recap, that turd_sled guy doesn’t post pictures in his recap!” Well first of all, his name is shit_toboggan, and second off all, this is bitPimps filling in. Now that we have that out of the way, and you’re out on bail fresh outta jail, California dreamin’, lets see what the show had in store for us today. Oh. Wait. Before I forget, there have been more updates about Ellis’s contract – here’s what a little birdie told me. Ellis will indeed have his own channel, it’ll probably still be Faction 41 – but he will run the channel and answer only to Scott Greenstein. This channel will still play music & talk and have no commercials. Of course Tully & Wilson will still be there and a part of everything. If he is interested, Jude is welcomed to a show on Tuesdays. Ellis will have a bigger show budget, allowing for more remote shows from different locations. He also mentioned hiring a big time producer as of yet to be named. He went after Brent Hatley, but he was snatched up by Stern. So that’s pretty much it. Now, on to today’s show. Ellis stayed up too long and got in trouble. He and Mike both stayed up until 2 AM. Starting at 5 AM, police helicopters were flying over and shaking Tully’s house for 3 hours straight. No idea what that was all about, but he knows it wasn’t about OJ Simpson. Could it have been the 12 O’Clock Boys? Maybe. But probably not. Could it have been Fletcher Dragge from Pennywise? Maybe. But probably not. He’ll be on the show later today. But right now it’s time for Jude to come in. Jude always shows up a little to the radio party because he wants to give Ellis & Tully some breathing room. That and it makes him feel weird to go to parties early and empty handed. Ellis wants to have a cricket match with him and his friends and get the fans involved. They were talking about wickets and bowling and shit. I have no idea what bowling and a made up religion have to do with extra shittier baseball meets croquet, but there you have it. Shit looks like a fraternity initiation to me, and sounds racist as fuck to everyone except Australians, but what can ya do? Apparently cricket matches in Australia can last for days and people are there to get drunk as fuck and pretend to have some class. Guess they’ve never heard of polo or the other hoity toity, nose in the air, sports for the elite class. Cricket talk, racist cricket terminology continued until it evolved into what cops refer to different races as while on their walkie talkies. Thankfully, we have audio from Wilson’s last arrest to give us some insight.


Women, don’t get mad. You did this to yourselves.

Women, Am I Right? While in Afghanistan, a male soldier asked his girlfriend to watch his dog, so she promptly sold to someone else. 11% of UK women surveyed believe if they don’t kiss while fucking, they can’t get an STD. 55% think the pull-out method will save them from sexual diseases. 22% think they can’t get STDs if they’re on top. 14% think they couldn’t get an STD if they were in a relationship. A woman in Florida torched a man’s car after he refused to buy her McFlurry, thereby releasing her McFury. A woman in Alabama was arrested for shoplifting, cops found a bunch of stolen shit in a bag on the horse she stole to go steal more shit. A woman in Utah approached a drug dealer looking for crystal meth, turns out it was a cop – so she told the police officer it wasn’t for her, it was a birthday gift for her sister. A soft porn model, Sophie Dalzell, skipped probation meetings because she says her boobs are more important than the law. Some drunk Hungarian girl put her leg through a glass door. Some gross bitch outside a nightclub in Toronto was caught on camera shitting in her hand and throwing her poop like nothing is out of the ordinary. Some lady was caught on video making herself some coffee, she put some milk in the coffee, and then refilled the milk carton with her own breast milk. There was video of a group of girls fighting at Denny’s. Just go Google that shit, there are tons of those kinds of videos. We heard some garbage song shaking up the morning show world by Lindsey Stirling and played on Octane. Will likes checking on everyone, but he doesn’t like it when other people check on him. He’s still reluctant to let anyone go over to his apartment or even see where he lives. He says it’s embarrassing where he lives, how he lives, and of course the dead hookers he has stored in the linen closet. He also says he might let a chick come over, but he’ll never allow a meeting to be held there. He says it smells, he doesn’t have dishes or plants, and all he wants is a bed, a toilet, a shower, and a TV. He also claims the only things that are important to him are family, friends, the show, and his work. Yet none of his family or friends are allowed to ever see where he lives. Is he just hiding from his shame or is there something more SINISTER that he’s trying to hide? Be sure to watch the nightly news, you just might get your answer, or at the very least, keep your family SAFE! Tully has a mega crush on Yolandi Visser, the girl in Die Antwoord.


Ain’t nothing gonna kill your Yolandi boner like some ball cancer talk.

It’s halftime, everyone grab your tits and your nuts, do a quick check and let’s keep this… ball rolling. YEEAAAHHH!!! Fletcher is in studio now, his tits are always great and his balls are fine. He’s had an ultrasound on his balls because he found a lump right around the time Tom Green had ball cancer, so he went to the doctor to have them nuts checked. Ellis had a lump, he had it checked, he’s good. Tully has a cyst on his balls, he had it checked, he’s good. Fletcher talked about some of his fights and legendary drinking antics, which he says he’s cut out some of the hard stuff so he can live that whole peace & tranquility lifestyle. Ellis talked about how he ran into Fletcher one time carrying around a punch bowl full of alcohol. Punk Rock Sasquatch showed what a normal 12 ounce can looks like in his hand and defends his Pringles can drinking apparatus because he gets tired of always making drinks, so he needed a bigger cup. He talked about how Byron McMackin is hoarding all the free shit sponsor send to Pennywise, like Pabst, Red Bull, and GoPros. He could’ve used that GoPro when he almost died by bro’ing down with an elephant. The elephant basically used it’s trunk, head, & tusk to pick Fletcher up and toss him 15 feet across the room and into a wall. Drunk with a couple broken ribs and stitches in his hand, he did his job and played the show that night and went to the hospital the next day. Byron was freaking out and said he was going to quit the band, but he stayed for the show and warned that if he saw Fletcher drinking that night, he was gonna quit for sure. He also talked about how Pennywise always fights with one another for hours on end and how much he loves picking on Randy, and how Pennywise is just a big, dysfunctional family. Fletcher, just like B-Real has tons of crazy stories, but instead of them being all weed related, they’re all liters worth of vodka related.


The safer version of Fletcher.

Sony Records has signed an 8th grade heavy metal band called Unlocking The Truth to a $1.8 million dollar deal. Fletcher says they’re not going to see a dime after they hire a producer and pay for a shitty video, plus the one kid is already playing guitar better than Fletcher so there’s definitely no bias coming from his side of the table. More stories from the large man with a Doritos bag full of vodka. A caller asked about what went on back in the day in St. Louis where Pennywise was banned from what was then Riverport Amphiteater. Turns out there were two different instances that happened to contribute to their banishment. One was a mini-riot that Fishbone got blamed for, but it was Pennywise fans who started fighting with security to get closer to the stage. Pennywise warned the powers that be that their fans probably wouldn’t take too kindly to being stuck so far away from the band, and sure enough shit went down. On another occasion, a little promoter guy was wanting Pennywise to sell their shirts for more money so the promoters could make more money, Pennywise refused, and Fletcher may have allegedly spit on little promoter guy several times. Little promoter guy swung on Fletcher and hit him and then he was kicked out. He said bullshit, he wasn’t leaving & called the cops to press charges. The cops weren’t having it and ended escorting the entire band to the state line. Fletcher is also not allowed near the cockpit of any planes because he wants to do a barrel roll and nobody else is willing to let his big, crazy, convict-like drinking bag, ass take control of a plane. Basically, Fletcher is pretty fucking punk rock. We listened to some slowed down pop songs, which was alright. Cumtard got shocked while using the speech jammer, that was alright. Fletcher hit the punch pad and was disappointed in his numbers, but let’s face it, that punch pad is far from accurate. But that’s alright. And now this recap is over, that’s alright, alright, alright.


That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.

Show Recap for Thursday 2/27/2014

Has it been a week already? Yeah. It has. Deal with it- I’m back :)
And speaking of ladies…Ellis opens up the show with some applause and he welcomes the gentlemen and ladies out there listening to The Jason Ellis Show. Especially the ladies, because he knows that there are some ladies listening, even if some of those ladies are listening to purposefully make themselves angry and pissed off and get them all bent out of shape for nothing and…do ladies really do shit like that? Yeah, probably, it wouldn’t surprise me. I mean, there are always those people who are more ‘happy’ when they are miserable…but…it makes me shake my head at the human race, on behalf of…the rest of the human race. Speaking of ladies again…Tully has some thoughts on fat chicks. Apparently Tully off-hand noticed what seems to be a regular maneuver for some of the heavier set ladies, and upon noticing and then purposefully looking for it he has concluded that overweight ladies tend to pull the backs of their shirts down subconsciously (probably) throughout the day (but especially when getting off of the elevator) because (he thinks) that they are self conscious about their appearance because they are aware that they are overweight and that makes him sad for them because no one wants to walk around feeling self conscious all of the time. Will comes in to the studio to weigh in on this issue because he is a fat lady and he confirms Tully’s suspicious. He says that the back of the shirt pull is a move that overweight people do to in order to make sure that their fat rolls aren’t hanging out and offending people. I’m going to interject my opinion here, so, warning- I know for a fact that I pull the back of my shirt down on the reg throughout the day. I actually have a combo move where I pull down the back of my shirt and hike up my pants by the belt loops. I am not an overweight lady (in case you were wondering). So why do I do it? I do it because I am a lady shaped lady and I have thighs of thunder and when I walk they pull my pants down (double this if I’m wearing knee socks because it makes it worse). I don’t wear a belt because I think belts suck, I don’t have fat rolls that hang out, but I am aware that my pants are slightly being tugged out of position and I want to put them back where they belong, and then I have to tug my shirt down because my feathers are all ruffled from fixing my pants.

But anyway…Will pulls the back of his shirt down because he’s overweight and he doesn’t want to offend the public with his fleshy Wilson rolls. Ellis says that he understands because when he’s ‘fat’ he wears big hoodies and hides in them, or he wears a tight t-shirt and a jacket, because that’s how Benji Madden taught him how to dress when he’s fat, because Benji was a fat kid and was good at dressing himself so that he didn’t appear as heavy as he was. The trick? Wearing a fitting t-shirt and a jacket. You should always wear clothes that fit you if you want to look your best. Will asks Ellis how he should dress to hide his fat and Ellis tells him to just keep on keepin on because he hides his fat well. Good job, Wilson, you don’t look like a big bag of shit. *claps* This then turns into a conversation about being healthy, eating healthy, and looking your best, or not. Tully asks Will what he eats on a daily basis and Will doesn’t want to talk about it at first because it’s terrible. He only eats two meals a day (which blows Ellis’s mind) and he usually chows down on a PB&J during the day at some point and for dinner has some sort of chicken and pasta. Ellis really can’t believe that Will only eats two meals a day because he would die and he usually eats two times in the four hours that he’s at the studio. Will says it’s because he doesn’t have the time and then proceeds to ask Ellis for some tips to improve his diet so he can eat more and eat healthier. But there is a caveat, that being, that he wants tips that involve absolutely no cooking (because Will just may be a hobo, or he just can’t cook). Ellis outlines that he should eat some sort of breakfast like Starbucks Oatmeal without the brown sugar and to put protein powder in it or one of the fruit plates with the hardboiled egg (but don’t eat the bits of processed Turkey because…processed turkey), for lunch he can have fish tacos with avocado because that feels like cheating when it isn’t, and dinner…everyone has time to cook dinner, right? They kind of get into an argument about people having time in their lives for cooking and Ellis keeps telling Will to do it the night before or in the morning, but Will basically works from 6 in the morning until 10 at night. Tully invites Will over for a Taco dinner with him and his wife tonight because Will can’t remember the last time he had a home cooked meal and home cooked meals are like Oxygen for Tully. He neeeeeeeds them. They talk about how if you eat out a lot you can’t make the excuse that shopping at Whole Foods is too expensive, because you’ll actually probably wind up saving money unless you buy 27 dollar Whole Foods steaks (that aren’t that great). And it’s better for you. They take calls and people talk about their weight loss methods, changing their lives, and losing weight and Shantanee gets a shout out from a caller because she looks damn fine. I can’t stop looking at her either. That face!!!! I dunno…this healthy eating talk bums me out a bit because I used to eat pretty healthy, cook at home a lot and all that rot, but now Hubbs and I are both out of the house from seven in the morning until like eight or nine at night and it’s hard to fit in cooking and eating. We suck. We eat like once a day (at night) and subsist on fluids throughout the day. It’s why I never feel bad about my one a day 20 ounce Pepsi habit…I totes have room for the calories after a day filled with nothing but water, Vitamin Water Zero and a low cal Monster Energy drink. It’s also prolly why I don’t feel super on point right now…It’s a quarter after ten and that’s all I’ve consumed. If you wanna know about eating healthy check out The Dolce Diet books, that’s the first thing I’m doing when I go back to having a normal job!

Ellis is going to be on Tom Green’s TV show tonight, which is pretty cool, be he straight up got told no by the dumb people over at Chelsea Handler’s show, which is shitty, because what the Hell did Ellis do that deserved a no? Some people who have never watched her show would tune in just to see Ellis on (like me and Hubbs, for instance) and maybe those people would like it enough to tune in more regularly. Whatever. Maybe Ellis is just too awesome. Tom Green got a car off Craigslist and it’s a 1979 Z-28, which Hubbs says is a Camero and I’ll take his word for it because I know cars come in pretty and ugly shapes and colors and that’s about it. Tom Green’s car is a piece of shit and has already broken down on the highway, which he is pumped about for whatever crazy Canadian reason his brain came up with, but he has taken a picture of The Awesome Guide to Life in that car, so it’s a solid win overall. Tom Green’s TV show is on tonight with Ellis at 9pm eastern/6pm pacific (do the math for the in-between) and I’m sure Ellis was awesome and will confirm that with my DVR after I am finished writing this.

Tully has been listening to the replays in the morning lately and he thinks that they are doing a great fucking job. They are the Seinfeld of Radio, they have a show about nothing, and it is the best show about nothing that there is. Boom. Tully has mentioned a few times now that he’s been listening to the show in the morning and Ellis said yesterday (I think) that it’s funny how Tully started listening to it once he stopped. But, this morning as Ellis took young Tiggie to school he checked to see if the replay was still on and he listened to it for 15 minutes, and he agrees with Tully- they are doing a great job. They have a great show about nothing and he can say that it’s the best show that is on the air right now, because he’s given a lot of different shows a fair go of listening and there is just no contest. He may not have said that there is no contest, exactly, but that’s what I wrote down. Tully really thinks that 2014 has been a stellar year for The Jason Ellis Show so far (I agree, for what it’s worth) and he feels a real responsibility to the listeners because this show makes a lot of people’s days better, and he wants to make sure that he does his job well so that happens more often.

Ellis starts talking about being a personal trainer and having his own shark, tiger, wolf dojo after a caller who’s a personal trainer calls in the show and it would be a confusing dojo with orgies where Ellis walks around in karate pajamas that have a dick hole cut out of them. Tully brings up something about an Olympic Mexican and orgies and…I kind of missed it to be honest…but do you need more info than that? I mean, let your imagination fill in the gap for about three minutes. Let your mind fill with the vision of a Mexian Olympian from back in the day and the orgies that he stopped going to because he went to them enough to finally be bored of them. Don’t you want that in your life? To have orgies happening around you so often that you just start saying no to them because, been there, done that? This somehow gets Ellis talking about American Idol and how he only really likes the initial audition part of the show and J Lo is super hot. The J Lo thing was my segue to talking about Tully talking about Marc Anthony, who is her ex, and how his other ex wife is trying to sue him for more child support money. His first wife is a former Miss Universe and she currently gets 18 thousand dollars a month in child support from him and wants it upped to 113 thousand dollars. Seriously, bitch? Seriously!!!!! What the fuck does your kid need 113 thousand fucking dollars a month for? The even more ridiculous part of this story…is that Marc Anthony can afford it because motherfucker rakes in 1.25 million dollars a month. A month. That’s 15 million bucks a year. I still think Miss Universe is out of her fucking mind. I mean, Marc Anthony’s not a shit guy, either, he gave J Lo a 4 million dollar ring when the divorce went through- he romanced her pants off during a divorce. You know she was signing the divorce papers with one hand and jerking him off with the other. You also should know that’s not my joke, that was either Tully or Ellis, you know, one of the guys who gets paid to be awesome and funny for a living.

Back from the first break, Tully brings up that Ellis has been an instagramming fool lately? Why? Because he’s posting pictures sent to him by fans of them doing cool shit with their copies of ‘The Awesome Guide to Life’ and sending the people with the best pictures some care packages. So, if you’re reading this, tweet or DM or instagram your pics and hopefully he’ll share it on his social media, think that you are the best, and send you some free shit!!!!! Get on it!!! You don’t need me to tell you his handles, you already know them!!!! Also, if you are one of the people making a fuss over guns or grenades or whatever…please shut up. No one cares. You may care, and the person wasting their time fighting with you may care, but…shut up. You aren’t going to get anything accomplished. Tully says that he’s over the debates and just doesn’t get involved because it’s pointless. It is pointless. Comments make people unafraid of being loud and stupid. It’s the curse of the internet. Ellis agrees, because the King and Queen are always on the same page lately, and adds that, for the record, he doesn’t think the guy with a grenade on his table is a bad guy. They get to talking about some gun rights/laws and such, and Ellis thinks that hunting if you’re hunting for food is cool, but he doesn’t live a life that’s greatly impacted by whether or not he can use a gun so he really doesn’t care all that much. For Tully it comes to: guns for hunting are cool, guns for killing people are terrible, and he’s not allowed to have an opinion because he didn’t grow up around guns, so, whatever.

Time for some MMA Breaking News! Dana White and the UFC have announced that there will be no more fighters on Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT). Ellis says that this is going to be bad news for some of the older guys in the UFC game because it’s basically the only reason that they still are in the game, but he’s not really against the decision to do it (and neither is Tully) because those guys are past their prime anyway. However, it’s gonna suck big time for Vitor Belfort who has admitted that he is on TRT and he’s supposed to be fighting Chris Weidman for the middleweight belt and you can’t get off TRT once you’re on it. Is there even a way to test to see if someone is using TRT as opposed to having naturally high testosterone levels? Tully tells Ellis that testosterone occurs in everyone at different levels naturally, so unless there’s a way to specifically test for TRT they would have to set a really really high threshold for how much testosterone is considered ‘fishy’, but a caller does call in a few minutes later to say that it can be tested for and is able to be differentiated between TRT and naturally occurring testosterone. Bad news for UFC fighters who are on TRT, this could be a game changer. Ellis says that maybe they should start a new sport for guys who are on steroids and TRT where he and Tully were the announcers because that shit would be out of control. People’d be dying left and right, they could have a Super Heavyweight Class, a Brontosaurus class, and people could knock each other’s brains out. Tully is all for it, after all- it isn’t going to create more roiders…it’s just going to give the ones that already exist a place to go. In other MMA news, GSP says that he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Ellis says that he should probably just start shutting the fuck up because he seems to be complaining a lot lately. Ellis then talks about watching Ultimate Fighter: Canada vs Australia last night and how the Canadians were kicking the Aussie’s asses, and it wasn’t fun for him to watch. He also thinks that Canadians have the advantage with sports that start in the United States because the US is just a couple hours away in the car and they get to know about the stuff faster and can get down here a lot easier.

It’s Acadamy Award time and Betsey suggested to the show that the guys bet on who is going to win in the important categories. What does the loser have to do? They have to dress up as a woman and solicit pictures (5 to be exact) with strangers while in drag. Ellis really doesn’t want to have to do that (but I think he’d make a pretty lady lmao) but he’s going to make the wager anyway because he’s a good sport. The categories they are betting on are Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, and Best Director. Now…remember that order because here is who the guys picked for each of those:
Tully: Gravity, Leonardo DiCaprio, Sandra Bullock, Jared Leto, Lupita Nyong’o, and ‘Gravity Guy’ Director
Ellis: Dallas Buyers Club, Matthey McConaughey, Sandra Bullock, Jared Leto, Lupita Nyong’o, and Gravity Director
Jetta: Her, Matthew McConaughey, Cate Blanchett, Jonah Hill, Jennifer Lawrence, and Steve McQueen
CumTard: Wolf of Wall Street, Matthew McConaughey, Judy Dench, Jared Leto, Lupita Nyong’o, and O’Russell.
Now…with they way they went, and with me having seen absolutely none of the nominated films…it seems to me like Jetta is screwed. I mean…Ellis, Tully, and Cumtard’s picks were all pretty much the same, and Jetta went in the opposite direction, so he’s kind of fucked unless there is some sort of upset at the Acadamy Awards. But…maybe that’s a good thing because he’d make the most convincing female, in my humble opinion.

Back from the break they are watching a video where there is a preacher farting a lot and I had gone to pee and that is the exact thing Hubbs said when I asked him what I missed, so this really run-on sentence part of the recap is brought to you by Hubbs. After the farting preacher, Tully tells Ellis that in Harlem, NY there is a super homophobic Church sign which is blaming Obama for releasing the ‘gay demon’ and telling black women to watch out or they’ll lose their men to white gay men. It’s super offensive, but also really funny and Ellis says that of course the gay apocalypse would be started by the white man. But don’t worry, what happens in gay zombieland- stays in gay zombieland. Ellis is going to make a shirt that says that, and I will totally wear it. Jetta, CumTard, and Hardcore the Intern have been working on finally putting together the Sting Pong table but they had to stop before finishing because they have to bang some things into place and cant do that while other shows are on the air. Ellis tells them to ‘Shawshank it’ and make other noise to cancel it out. They do this on the air and it literally sounds like a bunch of animals going batshit crazy at the zoo. Wilson tries to poop on their noisy party, but he isn’t successful, and they Shawshank it twice before Ellis says they should cool it and do it again in a little bit.

They play a game which was thought up by @Mike_in_Canada and it’s called Sex, Sports, or Animal and involves them listening to short audio clips where some sort of something (either sex, sports, or animals) are making noise and they have to guess which is which and then they watch the corresponding video clip for ‘the reveal’. There is no way for me to recap this, but it was a hella funny segment. Hubbs and I played along and Hubbs was really good at it. I sucked really bad and I think I guessed ‘sports’ for almost everything that I heard because I thought everything sounded like tennis or ping pong. They had a caller playing around with them in each round, and the callers actually didn’t do so bad, and the ones who guessed correctly got sent to the prize chamber and might never be seen again. A lot of the sounds that turned out to be sex involved tranny’s, so apparently CumTard spends a lot of his time watching Tranny porn, which is odd considering he is super against things going in his butt. They did a bonus round which, to me, sounded like a really long submission to Unsigned Farts, and made me want to vomit because my mind also went to the most disgusting form of porn that probably doesn’t exist involving people having explosive diarrhea and sex at the same time. Turns out it was a video of a chick with a seriously blown out hole getting ass fucked and then blowing the load out of her gaping ass. They watched/listened to that bit for wayyyyyy longer than necessary and Ellis said it was the nastiest ass that he had ever seen.

Rounding out the show we are reminded that Ellis is/was on Tom Green’s show on the AXS network tonight (and I’m still sure he was awesome) and you should/did watch that at 9pm eastern/6pm pacific time. Tully asks Ellis about the upcoming book signing and suggests that Ellis get that RSVP online invite thing out by tomorrow so that people have a week to respond, and Ellis says he’s going to talk to people at Trampoline World about reserving space and how he’ll bring shit in his truck to give away to people. They do Women, Am I right where we get to hear about a grown ass woman who wants to change her name to Sexy from Sheila, a woman who tried to poison her husband by putting poison in her own vagina, a woman who tried to kill her hospitalized husband by putting fecal matter into his IV, a woman who faked her own kidnapping and launched a gigantic manhunt for herself after calling the police to get out of a date, and a woman who called the cops to try and get banged by a cop and then called the cops again when the cop wouldn’t bang her. I am ashamed on behalf of my sex, but this reminds me of the conversation I had yesterday with Hubbs about how I’m not a girly girl, so at least there’s that. Maybe I have a guy mind or something. I don’t know. I don’t know why woman do these stupid, stupid things…and…ugh. Just ugh.

Things we learned on the show today:

Ellis is the ugly nose in the middle of your beautiful face

Tully thinks Will is very fuckable

Ellis gets his meals made for him by Katie

Will can’t fry an egg

28% of adult Americans don’t know how to cook

Vitor Belfort needs to get a spoon sponsor immediately

Devin wants a pet chicken and it’s all Katie’s fault

Chickens are loud, annoying, hideous beasts

Ellis wants a 4ft tall rooster with Thug Life tattooed across its chest

Thanks for having the most ridiculous English speaking accent ever, GSP

Tully hates award shows

CumTard thinks Cate Blanchett has a fart mouth

Christian hates Jared Leto

2014 is clearly the year of Squib

Ellis absolutely hated Gravity

Hardcore is honest about the nothing he does at the Studio

Tully is going to miss Hardcore once he’s gone

Spain is making sausage out of baby poop

Sex, Animals, and Sports sound too similar for comfort

If you give someone a kidney, you don’t own them for life

HateBean has new songs

Don’t die caller trying to do the recap should never have tried to do the recap

Tully got crazy on liquid vicodin back in the day when he had the flu because he didn’t know what hydrochodone was

Tame that na-na



Show Re-Cap for Friday 1/24/2014 Part Deaux

Too much hair on a mans chest can just be in-furr-iating! Hahaha fuck yo couch and welcome to the Friday Jason Ellis Show Recap. Having a body full of fur sounds alright,

Just imagine how long it takes him to shave his balls.

Just imagine how long it takes him to shave his balls.

you’re always warm, no skin cancer, no matter where you lay down it’s always soft. But be careful what you wish for, the cost of hair conditioner is astronomical. It’s the end of the week and some listeners are assholes, porn stars are probably mentally scarred, Australian actors are regular people too, little kids are constantly tripping balls, and Tully may or may not have a cold sore. But probably not. Maybe. This weekend Jason is going to do a wheelie on a horse. Total Nitro Circus meets John Wayne style. Yippie Kai Yay mother fucker.

If you listened to the live show then you know that the music was hand selected by listeners. If you want your chance to pick the music just tweet your selection to @JasonEllisShow and they’ll probably play it, even if it sucks, because if it sucks it’s all downloadyour fault. In Shark News according to science, great white sharks can live up to 70 years old! Also in shark news, Laurie in Oregon hates Will. She doesn’t think he’s funny, at all. She doesn’t understand why he’s funny because she’s not “in the circle.” But to be completely honest, she doesn’t even like Hate Bean and after she said that all I could hear in my head was Charlie Browns teacher talking. Wa wa wa. Wa wa. Wa wa, wa wa wa. Basically deep down inside she wants him to judge her butt and climax, it’s an internal struggle that she wishes was an internal struggle. But on a more serious topic, what the fuck is a sprinkle sandwich? Is it just a sandwich with sprinkles in it? No seriously, I don’t fucking know for sure. Oh well, another one of life’s great mysteries shall go unsolved. But one of life’s answered question, who are your favorite people who have been on the show. Some people that were mentioned as guest co hosts were Dingo, Jude, CJH, Joanna Angel, Doug Benson, and Psycho Mike just to name a few. Also Will is wearing cowgirl style underwear, I’ll just let your mind wrap around that one for a bit.

A New Mexico woman, the new one not the old Mexico, was charged for aggravated assault after pulling a gun from her dick pocket after an argument about aliens. Oh, this is Women Am I Right in case you didn’t figure it out by now. A woman was arrested after breaking into a pet store because she wanted to set the puppies free, topless. Only makes sense. A 78 year old woman asked to see her receipt and the twenty something girl punched the old lady in the kisser. A Texas woman robbed the same bank twice in one month is being sought after. Speaking of crazy bitches, Andy Dick is here! Well not here, on the show here. He’s not helping me write the recap right now, but it would be way funnier if he was. Andy was on fire talking about all kinds of exciting shit like rehab and drinkin and being on TV! And Andy also got married, but for the right reasons, taxes and health care benefits. And everyone thinks he’s completely retarded! They talked about all kinds of shit. Like dreds and how much they stink and Andy’s to do list for the rest of the day. He has a conference call at six if you were wondering.
wtf-o (1)In duck rape news, a third of all duck sex is forced. Quack mother fuckin quack. You Sir Are A Moron, not you, the bit, well maybe you, but you don’t have special celebrity guest Andy Dick. It was riveting, earth shattering, and incredibly insightful but if you really want to know what was said check out On Demand or listen to the replay Monday morning because in case you forgot, it’s Friday, I don’t give a fuck, and that’s a lot of shit to write.

"You can't rape the willing!" - Howard The Duck

“You can’t rape the willing!” – Howard The Duck

Andy had to leave but no worries, you can go to some website and order The Awesome Guide To Life Something Something Long Title at probably. It’s awesome, I already read it. It helped me to stop smoking, raise my credit score, and treat women and goats with more respect and dignity. Kids these days are snorting Smarties, the sugar candy pills. I’m not surprised, it’s next logical step after Pixie Sticks and everyone knows that Pixie Sticks are a gateway candy. Final calls were the usual nonsense but more importantly the fans came together to let Will know that he is the wind beneath our wings, he is our sunshine our only sunshine, he completes us. And Laurie from Oregon should know that she needs keep her opinions about Will “the greatest man ever” Pendarvis to herself, much like her mum should keep her filth ridden septic tank wild animal feral vagina to herself, OH!

And if Laurie happens to read this, I didn’t mean it, just jokes. Or are they? Do do do do do do do do do do do (twilight zone theme)

Show Re-cap for Friday 9/6/2013

There has been a question that has plagued scientists for decades, when Bruce Banner turned into The Incredible Hulk, why didn’t his pants rip? Did his waist not get bigger? Did the gamma roids have an incredible shrinking effect on his junk causing his intense anger? Either way it is safe to say that the show is the hulk, mild mannered until you piss it off then it turns big and green and breaks shit and then has to move to a new place while sad music plays. And a new place is exactly where the guys are going, today is the last broadcast they are doing from The Swinghouse. Ellis is very excited because the new studio will have underground parking so the Porsche won’t be getting dirty anymore. It will also have elevators, a cafe, a McDonald’s within walking distance for those emergency McNugget cravings, and a mother fuckin couch! Not only are the guys moving studios, home_main_shad4Juder McDuder is moving to the new building too! He isn’t as excited to move to the new studio in Hollywood because he thinks Hollywood is to uppity and his show is directed to alien believers and cousin fuckers. Jude likes all the perks of the new studio, he just doesn’t like the 10 mile commute. But on the bright side, no more toilet by the fridge. Oh and the new studio will have a sting pong table. Rawdog started carrying on about his chachkis and how much he loves them like an old lady at bingo. After he tried to argue with Ellis about some scarab beetle, his bell, and a little Lego koala, they somehow started talking about Mel Gibson and how he’s a dick but not a dick and some shit. Wanna know what Satan would sound like if he was in a quartet? Lamar Odom is reported to be doing 800 worth of drugs a day. He’s freebasing coke and taking ambient and still kicking ass on the court. All of this information is courtesy of his drug dealer, which goes to show that you just can’t trust drug dealers anymore.

Rawdog might have sold his car to a stranger who left him a note saying he wants to buy it as soon as possible. Sounds legit, except there wasn’t a For Sale sign on his car but I’m sure it’s totally legit and this dude won’t try to burn Josh, literally or figuratively. A dude sent

I want to buy your car. Lets have lunch an go over it.

I want to buy your car. Lets have lunch an go over it.

in a video saying he wants to donate his car to the guys to blow up and make music video’s with and so Josh can ghost ride the whip (video). Want to see yer mums wedding video? A Detroit woman tried to by monkey from Camaroon, she paid $350 mostly in monkey tax and never got her money and tried to get the police to help but they just laughed and laughed and laughed. Some nasty lady has the worlds longest dreads, and is nasty. Seattle woman broke into the Dim Sum King and told everybody there to go back to China and flung soy sauce all over the place. English woman had a stroke and now speaks with a Chinese accent. Here’s a video of yer mum again, on her honeymoon. And in more Women Am I Right news, a Chinese girl bot in trouble for breast feeding while driving a scooter, a woman sues General Mills because crunch berries aren’t real, and another woman sues Winnebago because the cruise control implied that it was an autopilot and she crashed.

Wesley Willis is a mother fuckin musical genius! Tiger has been skateboarding for one day and is already better than me. He’s bombing the driveway, doing side grabs, nose grabs, nose and tail grabs at the same time! “The kids a natural” said Tony Hawk and when asked about Tiger Lee Ellis, Kid Rock said, “That kid is kickin more ass than a one legged ass kicker, Kid Rock!” Ellismania may or may not be sold out, Ellis is 99% sure that it isn’t but that means only one thing, there is a 1% chance that if you didn’t get your ticket yet, you’re fucked. Here’s another delightful song from Wesley Willis. Enjoy.

photo (8)

An English dudes daughter walked home after he dropped off at daycare, and all the daycare place had to say was pretty much, shit happens. In Aussie News, they played a video of Kevin Rudd, Prime Minister of Ausrailia, answer and dominate a gay marriage question from a pastor. There was also news of Saints player named Clinton Jones who set fire to a dwarf in a bar. Its funny, not because they lit the little guy on fire, but because they lit the little guy on fire. Ellis’s “agent” said he’s “in” next year on “dancing” with the “stars,” that should be interesting. In Hollywood News, jack Nicholas is old as fuck and can’t remember shit. Clint Eastwood got himself the D ticket on the Hump Bus to Pound Town. Bieber has come out of the closet and said how much he loves sucking man dicks. J-Lo got three million for singing to some evil Turkmen dude, in my opinion he overpaid. Vin Diesel’s life has been a constant barrage of aliens complicated by being legally blind. People paid 150 bucks to meet and get an autograph from Courtney Kardashian but nobody was available to kill them. Then they ended the final day in The Swinghouse by arguing and comparing the intelligence of the fans that pay to meet Courtney Kardashian or Dave Mustaine. If you ask me they’re all idiots. Today’s recap will be ended with another lyrically majestic tune from Wesley Willis that I dedicate to yer mum, OH!