2014

Posted on February 27, 2014 by jenni_mazky

Has it been a week already? Yeah. It has. Deal with it- I’m back :)
And speaking of ladies…Ellis opens up the show with some applause and he welcomes the gentlemen and ladies out there listening to The Jason Ellis Show. Especially the ladies, because he knows that there are some ladies listening, even if some of those ladies are listening to purposefully make themselves angry and pissed off and get them all bent out of shape for nothing and…do ladies really do shit like that? Yeah, probably, it wouldn’t surprise me. I mean, there are always those people who are more ‘happy’ when they are miserable…but…it makes me shake my head at the human race, on behalf of…the rest of the human race. Speaking of ladies again…Tully has some thoughts on fat chicks. Apparently Tully off-hand noticed what seems to be a regular maneuver for some of the heavier set ladies, and upon noticing and then purposefully looking for it he has concluded that overweight ladies tend to pull the backs of their shirts down subconsciously (probably) throughout the day (but especially when getting off of the elevator) because (he thinks) that they are self conscious about their appearance because they are aware that they are overweight and that makes him sad for them because no one wants to walk around feeling self conscious all of the time. Will comes in to the studio to weigh in on this issue because he is a fat lady and he confirms Tully’s suspicious. He says that the back of the shirt pull is a move that overweight people do to in order to make sure that their fat rolls aren’t hanging out and offending people. I’m going to interject my opinion here, so, warning- I know for a fact that I pull the back of my shirt down on the reg throughout the day. I actually have a combo move where I pull down the back of my shirt and hike up my pants by the belt loops. I am not an overweight lady (in case you were wondering). So why do I do it? I do it because I am a lady shaped lady and I have thighs of thunder and when I walk they pull my pants down (double this if I’m wearing knee socks because it makes it worse). I don’t wear a belt because I think belts suck, I don’t have fat rolls that hang out, but I am aware that my pants are slightly being tugged out of position and I want to put them back where they belong, and then I have to tug my shirt down because my feathers are all ruffled from fixing my pants.

But anyway…Will pulls the back of his shirt down because he’s overweight and he doesn’t want to offend the public with his fleshy Wilson rolls. Ellis says that he understands because when he’s ‘fat’ he wears big hoodies and hides in them, or he wears a tight t-shirt and a jacket, because that’s how Benji Madden taught him how to dress when he’s fat, because Benji was a fat kid and was good at dressing himself so that he didn’t appear as heavy as he was. The trick? Wearing a fitting t-shirt and a jacket. You should always wear clothes that fit you if you want to look your best. Will asks Ellis how he should dress to hide his fat and Ellis tells him to just keep on keepin on because he hides his fat well. Good job, Wilson, you don’t look like a big bag of shit. *claps* This then turns into a conversation about being healthy, eating healthy, and looking your best, or not. Tully asks Will what he eats on a daily basis and Will doesn’t want to talk about it at first because it’s terrible. He only eats two meals a day (which blows Ellis’s mind) and he usually chows down on a PB&J during the day at some point and for dinner has some sort of chicken and pasta. Ellis really can’t believe that Will only eats two meals a day because he would die and he usually eats two times in the four hours that he’s at the studio. Will says it’s because he doesn’t have the time and then proceeds to ask Ellis for some tips to improve his diet so he can eat more and eat healthier. But there is a caveat, that being, that he wants tips that involve absolutely no cooking (because Will just may be a hobo, or he just can’t cook). Ellis outlines that he should eat some sort of breakfast like Starbucks Oatmeal without the brown sugar and to put protein powder in it or one of the fruit plates with the hardboiled egg (but don’t eat the bits of processed Turkey because…processed turkey), for lunch he can have fish tacos with avocado because that feels like cheating when it isn’t, and dinner…everyone has time to cook dinner, right? They kind of get into an argument about people having time in their lives for cooking and Ellis keeps telling Will to do it the night before or in the morning, but Will basically works from 6 in the morning until 10 at night. Tully invites Will over for a Taco dinner with him and his wife tonight because Will can’t remember the last time he had a home cooked meal and home cooked meals are like Oxygen for Tully. He neeeeeeeds them. They talk about how if you eat out a lot you can’t make the excuse that shopping at Whole Foods is too expensive, because you’ll actually probably wind up saving money unless you buy 27 dollar Whole Foods steaks (that aren’t that great). And it’s better for you. They take calls and people talk about their weight loss methods, changing their lives, and losing weight and Shantanee gets a shout out from a caller because she looks damn fine. I can’t stop looking at her either. That face!!!! I dunno…this healthy eating talk bums me out a bit because I used to eat pretty healthy, cook at home a lot and all that rot, but now Hubbs and I are both out of the house from seven in the morning until like eight or nine at night and it’s hard to fit in cooking and eating. We suck. We eat like once a day (at night) and subsist on fluids throughout the day. It’s why I never feel bad about my one a day 20 ounce Pepsi habit…I totes have room for the calories after a day filled with nothing but water, Vitamin Water Zero and a low cal Monster Energy drink. It’s also prolly why I don’t feel super on point right now…It’s a quarter after ten and that’s all I’ve consumed. If you wanna know about eating healthy check out The Dolce Diet books, that’s the first thing I’m doing when I go back to having a normal job!

Ellis is going to be on Tom Green’s TV show tonight, which is pretty cool, be he straight up got told no by the dumb people over at Chelsea Handler’s show, which is shitty, because what the Hell did Ellis do that deserved a no? Some people who have never watched her show would tune in just to see Ellis on (like me and Hubbs, for instance) and maybe those people would like it enough to tune in more regularly. Whatever. Maybe Ellis is just too awesome. Tom Green got a car off Craigslist and it’s a 1979 Z-28, which Hubbs says is a Camero and I’ll take his word for it because I know cars come in pretty and ugly shapes and colors and that’s about it. Tom Green’s car is a piece of shit and has already broken down on the highway, which he is pumped about for whatever crazy Canadian reason his brain came up with, but he has taken a picture of The Awesome Guide to Life in that car, so it’s a solid win overall. Tom Green’s TV show is on tonight with Ellis at 9pm eastern/6pm pacific (do the math for the in-between) and I’m sure Ellis was awesome and will confirm that with my DVR after I am finished writing this.

Tully has been listening to the replays in the morning lately and he thinks that they are doing a great fucking job. They are the Seinfeld of Radio, they have a show about nothing, and it is the best show about nothing that there is. Boom. Tully has mentioned a few times now that he’s been listening to the show in the morning and Ellis said yesterday (I think) that it’s funny how Tully started listening to it once he stopped. But, this morning as Ellis took young Tiggie to school he checked to see if the replay was still on and he listened to it for 15 minutes, and he agrees with Tully- they are doing a great job. They have a great show about nothing and he can say that it’s the best show that is on the air right now, because he’s given a lot of different shows a fair go of listening and there is just no contest. He may not have said that there is no contest, exactly, but that’s what I wrote down. Tully really thinks that 2014 has been a stellar year for The Jason Ellis Show so far (I agree, for what it’s worth) and he feels a real responsibility to the listeners because this show makes a lot of people’s days better, and he wants to make sure that he does his job well so that happens more often.

Ellis starts talking about being a personal trainer and having his own shark, tiger, wolf dojo after a caller who’s a personal trainer calls in the show and it would be a confusing dojo with orgies where Ellis walks around in karate pajamas that have a dick hole cut out of them. Tully brings up something about an Olympic Mexican and orgies and…I kind of missed it to be honest…but do you need more info than that? I mean, let your imagination fill in the gap for about three minutes. Let your mind fill with the vision of a Mexian Olympian from back in the day and the orgies that he stopped going to because he went to them enough to finally be bored of them. Don’t you want that in your life? To have orgies happening around you so often that you just start saying no to them because, been there, done that? This somehow gets Ellis talking about American Idol and how he only really likes the initial audition part of the show and J Lo is super hot. The J Lo thing was my segue to talking about Tully talking about Marc Anthony, who is her ex, and how his other ex wife is trying to sue him for more child support money. His first wife is a former Miss Universe and she currently gets 18 thousand dollars a month in child support from him and wants it upped to 113 thousand dollars. Seriously, bitch? Seriously!!!!! What the fuck does your kid need 113 thousand fucking dollars a month for? The even more ridiculous part of this story…is that Marc Anthony can afford it because motherfucker rakes in 1.25 million dollars a month. A month. That’s 15 million bucks a year. I still think Miss Universe is out of her fucking mind. I mean, Marc Anthony’s not a shit guy, either, he gave J Lo a 4 million dollar ring when the divorce went through- he romanced her pants off during a divorce. You know she was signing the divorce papers with one hand and jerking him off with the other. You also should know that’s not my joke, that was either Tully or Ellis, you know, one of the guys who gets paid to be awesome and funny for a living.

Back from the first break, Tully brings up that Ellis has been an instagramming fool lately? Why? Because he’s posting pictures sent to him by fans of them doing cool shit with their copies of ‘The Awesome Guide to Life’ and sending the people with the best pictures some care packages. So, if you’re reading this, tweet or DM or instagram your pics and hopefully he’ll share it on his social media, think that you are the best, and send you some free shit!!!!! Get on it!!! You don’t need me to tell you his handles, you already know them!!!! Also, if you are one of the people making a fuss over guns or grenades or whatever…please shut up. No one cares. You may care, and the person wasting their time fighting with you may care, but…shut up. You aren’t going to get anything accomplished. Tully says that he’s over the debates and just doesn’t get involved because it’s pointless. It is pointless. Comments make people unafraid of being loud and stupid. It’s the curse of the internet. Ellis agrees, because the King and Queen are always on the same page lately, and adds that, for the record, he doesn’t think the guy with a grenade on his table is a bad guy. They get to talking about some gun rights/laws and such, and Ellis thinks that hunting if you’re hunting for food is cool, but he doesn’t live a life that’s greatly impacted by whether or not he can use a gun so he really doesn’t care all that much. For Tully it comes to: guns for hunting are cool, guns for killing people are terrible, and he’s not allowed to have an opinion because he didn’t grow up around guns, so, whatever.

Time for some MMA Breaking News! Dana White and the UFC have announced that there will be no more fighters on Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT). Ellis says that this is going to be bad news for some of the older guys in the UFC game because it’s basically the only reason that they still are in the game, but he’s not really against the decision to do it (and neither is Tully) because those guys are past their prime anyway. However, it’s gonna suck big time for Vitor Belfort who has admitted that he is on TRT and he’s supposed to be fighting Chris Weidman for the middleweight belt and you can’t get off TRT once you’re on it. Is there even a way to test to see if someone is using TRT as opposed to having naturally high testosterone levels? Tully tells Ellis that testosterone occurs in everyone at different levels naturally, so unless there’s a way to specifically test for TRT they would have to set a really really high threshold for how much testosterone is considered ‘fishy’, but a caller does call in a few minutes later to say that it can be tested for and is able to be differentiated between TRT and naturally occurring testosterone. Bad news for UFC fighters who are on TRT, this could be a game changer. Ellis says that maybe they should start a new sport for guys who are on steroids and TRT where he and Tully were the announcers because that shit would be out of control. People’d be dying left and right, they could have a Super Heavyweight Class, a Brontosaurus class, and people could knock each other’s brains out. Tully is all for it, after all- it isn’t going to create more roiders…it’s just going to give the ones that already exist a place to go. In other MMA news, GSP says that he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Ellis says that he should probably just start shutting the fuck up because he seems to be complaining a lot lately. Ellis then talks about watching Ultimate Fighter: Canada vs Australia last night and how the Canadians were kicking the Aussie’s asses, and it wasn’t fun for him to watch. He also thinks that Canadians have the advantage with sports that start in the United States because the US is just a couple hours away in the car and they get to know about the stuff faster and can get down here a lot easier.

It’s Acadamy Award time and Betsey suggested to the show that the guys bet on who is going to win in the important categories. What does the loser have to do? They have to dress up as a woman and solicit pictures (5 to be exact) with strangers while in drag. Ellis really doesn’t want to have to do that (but I think he’d make a pretty lady lmao) but he’s going to make the wager anyway because he’s a good sport. The categories they are betting on are Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, and Best Director. Now…remember that order because here is who the guys picked for each of those:
Tully: Gravity, Leonardo DiCaprio, Sandra Bullock, Jared Leto, Lupita Nyong’o, and ‘Gravity Guy’ Director
Ellis: Dallas Buyers Club, Matthey McConaughey, Sandra Bullock, Jared Leto, Lupita Nyong’o, and Gravity Director
Jetta: Her, Matthew McConaughey, Cate Blanchett, Jonah Hill, Jennifer Lawrence, and Steve McQueen
CumTard: Wolf of Wall Street, Matthew McConaughey, Judy Dench, Jared Leto, Lupita Nyong’o, and O’Russell.
Now…with they way they went, and with me having seen absolutely none of the nominated films…it seems to me like Jetta is screwed. I mean…Ellis, Tully, and Cumtard’s picks were all pretty much the same, and Jetta went in the opposite direction, so he’s kind of fucked unless there is some sort of upset at the Acadamy Awards. But…maybe that’s a good thing because he’d make the most convincing female, in my humble opinion.

Back from the break they are watching a video where there is a preacher farting a lot and I had gone to pee and that is the exact thing Hubbs said when I asked him what I missed, so this really run-on sentence part of the recap is brought to you by Hubbs. After the farting preacher, Tully tells Ellis that in Harlem, NY there is a super homophobic Church sign which is blaming Obama for releasing the ‘gay demon’ and telling black women to watch out or they’ll lose their men to white gay men. It’s super offensive, but also really funny and Ellis says that of course the gay apocalypse would be started by the white man. But don’t worry, what happens in gay zombieland- stays in gay zombieland. Ellis is going to make a shirt that says that, and I will totally wear it. Jetta, CumTard, and Hardcore the Intern have been working on finally putting together the Sting Pong table but they had to stop before finishing because they have to bang some things into place and cant do that while other shows are on the air. Ellis tells them to ‘Shawshank it’ and make other noise to cancel it out. They do this on the air and it literally sounds like a bunch of animals going batshit crazy at the zoo. Wilson tries to poop on their noisy party, but he isn’t successful, and they Shawshank it twice before Ellis says they should cool it and do it again in a little bit.

They play a game which was thought up by @Mike_in_Canada and it’s called Sex, Sports, or Animal and involves them listening to short audio clips where some sort of something (either sex, sports, or animals) are making noise and they have to guess which is which and then they watch the corresponding video clip for ‘the reveal’. There is no way for me to recap this, but it was a hella funny segment. Hubbs and I played along and Hubbs was really good at it. I sucked really bad and I think I guessed ‘sports’ for almost everything that I heard because I thought everything sounded like tennis or ping pong. They had a caller playing around with them in each round, and the callers actually didn’t do so bad, and the ones who guessed correctly got sent to the prize chamber and might never be seen again. A lot of the sounds that turned out to be sex involved tranny’s, so apparently CumTard spends a lot of his time watching Tranny porn, which is odd considering he is super against things going in his butt. They did a bonus round which, to me, sounded like a really long submission to Unsigned Farts, and made me want to vomit because my mind also went to the most disgusting form of porn that probably doesn’t exist involving people having explosive diarrhea and sex at the same time. Turns out it was a video of a chick with a seriously blown out hole getting ass fucked and then blowing the load out of her gaping ass. They watched/listened to that bit for wayyyyyy longer than necessary and Ellis said it was the nastiest ass that he had ever seen.

Rounding out the show we are reminded that Ellis is/was on Tom Green’s show on the AXS network tonight (and I’m still sure he was awesome) and you should/did watch that at 9pm eastern/6pm pacific time. Tully asks Ellis about the upcoming book signing and suggests that Ellis get that RSVP online invite thing out by tomorrow so that people have a week to respond, and Ellis says he’s going to talk to people at Trampoline World about reserving space and how he’ll bring shit in his truck to give away to people. They do Women, Am I right where we get to hear about a grown ass woman who wants to change her name to Sexy from Sheila, a woman who tried to poison her husband by putting poison in her own vagina, a woman who tried to kill her hospitalized husband by putting fecal matter into his IV, a woman who faked her own kidnapping and launched a gigantic manhunt for herself after calling the police to get out of a date, and a woman who called the cops to try and get banged by a cop and then called the cops again when the cop wouldn’t bang her. I am ashamed on behalf of my sex, but this reminds me of the conversation I had yesterday with Hubbs about how I’m not a girly girl, so at least there’s that. Maybe I have a guy mind or something. I don’t know. I don’t know why woman do these stupid, stupid things…and…ugh. Just ugh.

Things we learned on the show today:

Ellis is the ugly nose in the middle of your beautiful face

Tully thinks Will is very fuckable

Ellis gets his meals made for him by Katie

Will can’t fry an egg

28% of adult Americans don’t know how to cook

Vitor Belfort needs to get a spoon sponsor immediately

Devin wants a pet chicken and it’s all Katie’s fault

Chickens are loud, annoying, hideous beasts

Ellis wants a 4ft tall rooster with Thug Life tattooed across its chest

Thanks for having the most ridiculous English speaking accent ever, GSP

Tully hates award shows

CumTard thinks Cate Blanchett has a fart mouth

Christian hates Jared Leto

2014 is clearly the year of Squib

Ellis absolutely hated Gravity

Hardcore is honest about the nothing he does at the Studio

Tully is going to miss Hardcore once he’s gone

Spain is making sausage out of baby poop

Sex, Animals, and Sports sound too similar for comfort

If you give someone a kidney, you don’t own them for life

HateBean has new songs

Don’t die caller trying to do the recap should never have tried to do the recap

Tully got crazy on liquid vicodin back in the day when he had the flu because he didn’t know what hydrochodone was

Tame that na-na

Show Recap for Thursday 12/5/2013

Posted on December 5, 2013 by jenni_mazky

Back again. It’s okay if you’re sick of me after this, cause I won’t be back until next week ;)

If you missed the show today that means you missed your opportunity to feed your Ellis Show obsession. If your hands are shaking, your heart is racing, your palms are sweaty, and you’re feeling itchy all over- you have come to the right place. A re-cap is almost as good as the real thing (I hope) so please feel free to feed your obsession here and be held over until the show replays in the morning. Shit. Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show on SiriusXM where it’s not terrestrial radio and therefore the show can be opened by saying shit and talking about bald pussy. Your pussy falls out when you’re 80. Box, box, box, box (read: pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy). Tully wonders if there was a way that someone could listen to the show and tally up all of the things that they would never be able to get away with on terrestrial radio, but Ellis says that they are way too understaffed for anyone to be able to do that. However, Wilson knows the guy who played the bleep button while Howard Stern was on terrestrial so maybe he could do it. They talk a bit about how it must have been such a shit high pressure job to be the person bleeping Stern out all of the time because he had Stern to answer to as well as lawyers to answer to for why he chose to bleep or not to bleep (as that is the terrestrial radio question). Ellis comments that Will kind of has that shit job in satellite radio form, but Will vehemently denies this. Just kidding. Of course he does.

It’s a good thing that Ellis isn’t out of it today, even though he woke up super early, because Tully proclaims that he is not on top of his game but he will be giving it the old college try. Why is Tully out of it? No it isn’t one of his bouts of insomnia, he actually slept through the night…however while sleeping he dreamed a dream where he was so tired but so busy with shit that he never got the chance to sleep. Channing Tatum made a cameo, cause why not, and Tully was talking to him about Dream Tatum’s pending fatherhood, then he had one other person to talk to, then he had to get out of there and do some other errand, and then he’d be able to sleep. But by the time he looked at the clock in his dream it was 5 AM and he had to be up. So, he slept through the night dreaming that he was tired and deprived of a full night’s sleep. I can see how that mindfuck’s one into being a little off the next day. He may still be in the dream. This may be a part of the dream. Because, yeah, I’m sure that Tully’s dreams include me typing out a recap at 10:30 at night.

But, wait, why was Ellis up extra early this morning? Well, he had a meeting at Devin’s school this morning with the Mummy, principle, teacher, therapist, and a couple of other people about how Devin is doing and talking about her future. So Daddy Ellis had to get the kiddies up early and get everyone where they needed to be so he could be at the meeting at school (which he doesn’t like going to, because no one likes going back to school). The meeting went well and left Ellis feeling good about things because his daughter is beautiful, smart, and talented and even though she has some trouble focusing on things, she can get back on track and her future will be sweet. At some point the Mummy tells Ellis that she can tell that Ellis is doing really well because of his therapy, which is such a great thing of her to say, and Tully chimes in his agreement. Because Ellis is awesome and all that hard work is paying off. More kiddie related stuff occurred involving Ellis laying down the law to his backseat mini-me’s, telling them that they would get 2 warnings when misbehaving and then the third time he had to say anything they would deal with the pre-set consequences. It was tested out when they were stuck in traffic for 2 hours and it worked, when Ellis told them the 2nd time to stop fighting he reminded them that one more time means bye bye Devin’s dollies and Tiggie’s skateboards for the whole weekend, so the rest of the ride was spent talking and playing games. This made Ellis happy because he was dreading taking things away from his kids, because he wants them to have fun and be happy and he was afraid of his resolve and ability to not fold when being buttered up by a pair of butter-up experts.

Ellis has reached the end of his 30 day self imposed sobriety and he is feeling really good about it. No, he did not spark up last night because he fell asleep on the couch and had his forehead licked by a bald pussy (ha), but maybe after he beats up Mike Jasper after the show he’ll go home and party a bit. Ellis says that he highly recommends going sober for 30 days if you’re really getting the inkling that maybe you are indulging too much (on whatever you choose to indulge in) because it’s hard to give something up and if you don’t buckle then you feel good accomplishing something without lying to yourself about it.

That somehow segued into Ellis telling everyone that he was attacked on twitter by a fat lady, presumably after his latest Dr. Drew HLN appearance repeated on TV, for his comment about fat people being scientifically proven to be more stupid than fit people. He could have made jokes at the lady, but he didn’t, because she would have taken him seriously and he isn’t that guy and he doesn’t wanna be mean (even if only joking) to someone that is going to take it to heart. He sort of regrets making the comment in the first place because he doesn’t want to be taken the wrong way and he doesn’t want to be mean to people, he just wants people to feel good and take care of themselves. Another twitter attack came from some random guy who somehow came across the infamous video of him being piss charged (I stole that from Adam who didn’t die, because it made me laugh) on Ellismania.com and called him out to Joe Rogan and Huffington Post for ‘bashing’ someone who was mentally disabled for being homophobic. We all know that that isn’t the case and isn’t the motive behind how Ellis reacted, he was just reacting to a, literally, insane situation and he was prepared to defend himself if need be. He wasn’t bashing the woman for the fun of it, he was asking not to be dissed and threatened and told the lady that if she came at him he would not hesitate to defend himself. Case closed. The only reason it wound up on video is because he always has his camera on him for Ellismania.com purposes, and after walking away he told the restaurant that she was next to that the authorities should be called and she needed to be admitted to a hospital. The tweet from the random guy did open Ellis’ eyes to the fact that most homeless people out there aren’t just drug addicts who couldn’t keep their addictions from ruining their lives, but that they have mental disorders which keep them from being able to function in society. It’s the sad truth that many homeless suffer from mental conditions and they aren’t getting any help, and Tully talks about how the only answer is for there to be more institutions to be built to help and home these people. Treatment for all- those who can be treated successfully get released and can become functioning members of society, and those that can’t need to be taken care of until they day. However, the government doesn’t seem to want to take these steps.

A caller named John calls the show to tell Ellis that he shouldn’t feel any regret over how he handled the situation as John has Manic Bipolar Disorder and has been in the situation where he was the crazy person and he is thankful for the people who were there to get him the help that he needed, even if it meant being hospitalized until he was stable again. John further went on to explain that Ellis is completely right about saying that fat people are, on average, not as smart as more fit people, so he shouldn’t feel bad about saying that either. He did offer the advice that maybe he should rephrase himself so it would be more clear that it’s not that fat people are stupid, it’s that because of their increased body mass, they aren’t getting the optimal amount of blood flow to their brains (since it’s busy oxygenating the rest of their body) and they have 15% less brainpower popping off as opposed to a person at their normal body weight. Good call, thanks John!!! Tully brings up that he found an article that talked about a study where a group of young people were given IQ tests and as they got older those with lower IQ’s are more likely to be obese as they grow up and those with higher IQ’s tend to be more fit. So the question still remains: does being fat make you stupid, or does being stupid make you fat? And it’s not to say that thin people are all geniuses and fat people are all morons- it’s about the averages. Tully brings up that Mayor Ford up in Canada may be an amazing level of reckless but he had to have been smarter than the average bear to get there in the first place, and Chris Christie (NJ Governer) is a front runner for the next presidential race. Ellis doesn’t think that America is going to have a fat president because appearing presidential doesn’t include being fat, and Tully points out that the last seriously overweight president was William Taft about a hundred years ago. Because, you know, it’s all about looking presidential…it’s not about the issues or anything crazy like that.

Coming back from the break Ellis and Tully want to talk about McDonald’s and the fast food workers purported strike and protests which were supposed to occur today (although I don’t know if any actually did) and this is an issue that they talked about a couple of months ago when the word started getting around that the minimum wage workers at McDonald’s wanted more money because 7 bucks an hour is not a livable wage no matter where you are in America. It was a super long segment and I’m gonna do my best to sum it up quickly because it was a lot of repeating of what was said the last time all of this was discussed. SO. No one on the show is an economist (and I’m not sure how many listeners are either) so they aren’t trying to have the answers. All they are doing is agreeing is that there is a problem. People who are working full time in menial jobs (not just fast food workers, but anyone who works full time hours and can’t make ends meet) deserve to make a wage that pays the bills and puts food on the table and in many jobs this is just not the case. There must be something that can be done on a corporate level to change this. The working middle class and the poor are facing a gap that’s larger than ever between them and the super rich (who just keep getting richer) and something has to be changed. There were a lot of callers who threw in their two cents and a lot of people were tweeting their opinions (shout out to @bitpimps and @mike_in_canada who didn’t have their noses up Tully and Ellis buttcrack for once…lmao) because it’s an issue that everybody feels passionately about. Ellis wants everyone to basically boycott fast food like McDonald’s and Chik Fil A since they are shit for you health wise and because they shit on the people who work for them. They both want people to be able to live. Fast food is a cog in the machine, they sort of need to be there, but there has to be a way to make it all work. The end. That’s all i’m saying here (even though I will say I do feel a blog coming on for Filterlessness).

Now, for some Cock News. Cialis is the shit! Apparently, you only need a half of one unless your junk is totally broken. Take a half of one of those puppies for a special occasion, go into bat-mode, and get your freak on. Back in 1983 there was a Urologist at a good old fashioned Urology convention who decided to do a presentation about the future of treatments for erectile dysfunction- that one day people would be able to take a pill and get hard. He then proceeded to share his discovery of a current treatment for erectile dysfunction which includes injecting a muscle relaxant directly into the penis making you hard for hours. He performed it on himself before beginning the lecture and stepped out from behind the podium, dropped his pants, and then urged members of the audience to experience the effectiveness by touching it. Women screamed and presumably ran from the building crying and scratching their eyeballs out because it was 1983. Finally…someone came across an article regarding how individual US States measure up…so to speak…and tweeted it to Tully which he gracefully stole and claimed as his own. Yeah, it was me. You’re welcome, Tully. The biggest dicks in the country belong to the men in the great state of North Dakota and the smallest peckers are hanging out in Mississippi…if you wanna know where your state lies click on the link.

In the spirit of charity, Ellis and Tully came up with a way to make some money for a charitable donation….TJES calendars!!! The calendars will feature members of the staff as well as friends from the show and all proceeds (not any of the Kim Kardashian percentage bullshit) will be donated to a charitable organization that wants their money. The calendar will feature Ellis, Tully, Jetta, Wilson, Katie, and (so long as they consent) Dingo, Jude, Johanna, Butterballs, Cumtard, and Christian in various scenarios including Wilson in a vat of beans with a confederate flag lanyard, Christian as Mr. Clean, Dingo as Princess Leia (complete with the buns), and Jetta in a bikini washing his Jetta. So many callers offered up wonderful ideas, and there was much protesting from Wilson about being in his vat of beans, even though it was he who suggested it in the first place.

Mike Jasper is in the studio (although at first he couldn’t get in) and they come back from the break talking about how people in Manhattan Beach are harassing Great White Sharks. Yes, you read that correctly, PEOPLE are going into the water to bully the SHARKS. Ellis is all for it, because then maybe the sharks will tell each other to lay off eating humans for a bit, and Tully is now convinced that when he was at a beach one town over that he did, in fact, see a shark. In other, much more sad news, a 9 year old boy in Compton was shot and killed in a drive-by, which sucks balls. Why is it always that innocent victims seem to be the victims instead of the targets when these guys are supposed to be gangster? Probably because they are asshole pussies who do it from far away.

Wrapping up the show Tully brings up that they are thinking about doing a new segment which involves them watching ridiculous television shows and then letting us know what they think of them, so they asked for listeners to tweet some suggestions for shows to watch, and then they were going to move on to the next segment. But they never got to the next segment as the phones began lighting up with suggestions from listeners who weren’t listening. But the guys didn’t mind and Tully compiled a list of shows for them to watch, and they decided to start with watching Turtle Man, which is a show about a backwoods man who does animal control with his bare hands and two teeth- suffering all the bites and spit along the way. Time for final calls? Yes, but no, because Adam is on the line waiting to not die and Ellis doesn’t wanna talk to anyone else because everyone really enjoyed the job that Adam did yesterday, and he did a fine job as well today.

Things we learned on the show today:

Porto’s is going to bring Ellis free pastries

Don’t dwell on your issues- do something about them

The 10s are pitting the 2s and 3s against the 1s

Ellis didn’t get the mummified 2 headed rabbit off Etsy :(

The Used gave a shout-out to DDD on twitter

A skinny neck means you probably have a skinny dick

Ellis was going to be a gigolo until Tony Hawk got him a job in radio

The Crocodile Hunter probably should have died wayyyyy before he died

Ellis is NOT GETTING FUCKING SICK

Coppertone has the most wide spread pedophillic ad of all time

Ellis goes around curing Koala’s of herpes

Friday night fights will be on Friday nights

Ellis will be on HLN with Dr. Drew again next Thursday

Don’t try to steal painkillers from 75 year old cancer patients

You can bid to hang out with Ellis for charity on charitybuzz.com and for a chance to prove you’re as cool as Betsey

Welcome To The Pendarvis Grill & Pub!

Posted on July 24, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Home style cooking!

So obviously there was no show today. And what happens when we’re all bored because our favorite radio show isn’t live? We find a way to stave off boredom, that’s what we do. So I decided it was time to play a game called #PendarvisAndSides The premise? Wll has died and said we could eat him, so people pitched in ideas for ways to eat Will and the sides that could go along with Will. Like a massive Thanksgiving feast with all sorts of food, anything and everything went. This gave me the idea, with all this food, we needed a menu so people could easily choose what they wanted. Thus, the Pendarvis Grill & Pub was spawned. Thanks to everyone who participated, we now have a menu! Let’s check it out.
* Nutrition chart unavailable.

中 Our Menu 中

Lil’ Will Smokies
Will’s fingers & toes smoked until tender and then lightly cooked in a sweet glaze, served with a mixed fruit and Will eye / testicle salad, topped with crushed pecans and cigarette ashes.

Crispy Wills
Will skin chips, lightly salted, with his ball cheese, sweat, & salsa for dipping

Waistline Will
A small portion of baked, boneless, and skinless Will on a bed of rice pilaf and served with green beans almondine.

Pendarvis BLT
Will bacon cooked to perfection with a hint of maple and Marlboro, lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise, served with sweet potato fries.

Pulled Pendarvis
Slow smoked (in tobacco), hand pulled Will sandwich with chipotle mayonnaise and pickle slices, served with baked beans and cantaloupe.

Slick Willy
Pendarvis confit served with deviled eggs and a pack of your choice from Philip Morris.

Southern Pendarvis
Thick slices of Pendarvis roast served with candied yams and collard greens.

Will Medallions
Will medallions smothered in gravy and topped with melted provolone cheese, served with potatoes au gratin.

Tender Pendar
Fresh cuts of Will dry rubbed and slow smoked for 24 hours, served with mashed potatoes and corn on the cob.

Welfare Will
A generous portion of mac-n-cheese with sliced pieces of all beef Will, served with a deep fried Twinkie.

Rack O’ Pendarvis
A half rack of Pendarvis spare ribs, served with coleslaw and cornbread.

Pendarvis Panini
Tender pieces of Will with an assortment of fresh peppers, onions, melted cheese, and a shiny shin salad.

Alabama Fried Will
Breaded & fried Will breasts, served with mashed potatoes & gravy and a biscuit.

Heil Pendarvis
Willwurst with sour kraut, served on a lightly toasted bun with a dab of spicy mustard.

Smoked Pendarvis
Tender, slow smoked cut of Will meat, served with coleslaw and beans.

Yippee Ki Willay Burger
Will burger cooked to perfection, topped with onion strings, and with your choice of cheese, and condiments, served with onion rings.

Sweet Home Alabama, Will’s Bad Mama Jama
Deep fried Pendarvis shins with crispy onions and home fries.

Pendarvis Plantation Special
Smoked Will hocks served with collard greens.

Fancy Pants Pendarvis
Bacon wrapped 6 or 9 ounce filet of Will, served with roasted garlic mashed potatoes and grilled asparagus.

Hairless Sir Pendarvis
A tender cut of Will sirloin steak, served with chemotherapy.

Sign Your Will
Our famous PenChowder.

Ballpark Pendarvis
Smokey Will dogs topped with crumbled bacon bits, served with potato salad.

Handy Willy
Will’s meaty hands fried to perfection in his own belly fat and served with gravy.

Rise ‘N Regret
Eggs Willy cooked to order, served with hashbrowns, bacon, champaign and orange juice, and a lifetime of regret.

Struck Match
Your choice of Pendarvis and waffles or Pendarvis scrapple with eggs, topped with ketchup and tobacco spit.

中 Desserts 中

Deep fried Twinkie, pecan pie, bread pudding, and cupcakes with brown frosting.

中 Beverages 中

Pepto-Bismol, Iced Tea, Mountain Dew, Mountain Dew, and Mountain Dew.

Try our hair pies! Contains 100% fruit and Pendarvis pubic hair!

Thanks to: @TwistedMetalFab, @shit_toboggan, @emilyinSD, @eastcoasttully, @Cody_McCraw92, @sharkchucker, @mike_in_canada, @J_Chappel, @Truk_Norris, @Scarlet_Kitty, @willfromcowtown, @thegooser, @mighty_boognish, @CrackerStacker6, and of course me, @bitPimps, because I’m an attention whore!

Sad Day in Canada

Posted on May 17, 2013 by mike_in_canada

Anyone that follows me on Twitter (or was in close enough proximity for me to tell them) knows that today was the last time I’ll be able to listen to the Ellis Show live. No, it won’t be the last time I listen live ever in the history of the world, but it will be for the time being. I had to get a new job, and this one doesn’t allow me to rearrange my workload so that I can listen to the show 4 hours/day. HOW DARE THEY NOT PAY ME TO FUCK AROUND EVERY AFTERNOON – THIS IS BULLSHIT! Sad panda…

Anyway… Not being able to listen live is going to suck dick at being awesome. In fact, I’m actually pretty bummed about it. The idea of not being able to tweet in stupid ideas and comments to a live radio show may seem like a stupid thing to get upset over, but for me it was a great way to make a lot of people laugh and interact with a show I’m into. I admit, I always love hearing “@mike_in_canada says… [nothing of value]” on the show but I was equally excited by the jokes the guys used without ever saying my name. Who knows how much they appreciated the jokes/bits I wrote for show, (I always imagined it went like “for fuck sakes Mike in Canada sent in another stupid idea, should we pity mention him?” hahahaha classic) but just knowing that they used something I wrote was always good enough for me.

The idea of contributing to my favorite radio show, live while it was happening, always amazed me and I’m going to miss doing it. What other show includes the fans as much as the Ellis Show does? None, sir. I think what Jason, Tully, and Rawdog do to interact with the fans is pretty wild and people should remember that more. There’s no show like it. So if anyone has a problem with me tweeting the jokes I would have normally said 4-5 hours late you’d better unfollow me, because I’ll be listening and daddy needs his fix. And to the person reading this, and the No You Are crew – enjoy the live show and remember: when they read your joke, you probably made 100,000s of people laugh – you lucky bastards.

Oh oh and lastly… Hey Bit, how ironic is it that the first thing I ever decide to write on NYA comes on the last day I get a live show. Mother fucker…

Sincerely,

-a twelve year old girl

A Message To @mike_in_canada From @wiz1010

A Message To @mike_in_canada From The NYA Crew

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 2/28/2013

Posted on February 28, 2013 by wiz1010

Fuck the man! Thursday’s just as good as any day to do just that, Fuck the man! Ellis took part and showed up 2 minutes late, Fuck you man! Remember how like 5 years ago Ellis was hot shit on myspace? Shit Tully said its difficult to find a clip without The Wing plugging the shit out it. It’s still kinda like that now, well with Twitter, Instagram and Telly – but again, Fuck The MAN! So what else, Ellismate’s been getting to bed earlier so he can get up when Tiger n Devin do. Speaking of Mr. McPiggles, Ellis said he was in tears cause he asked to be a freestyle moto dude but Big Daddy said no, well when he’s 18 maybe. Tully played devil’s advocate, asking if Tiger wanted to do mega ramp, and it was more deadly than it currently is, what if then? Its a good point, much like the kick returner in the NFL verse playing as a kid in little league – just depends, risk verse reward. Shit changes, shit gets heavy, Fuck The Man! To Fuck or Not To Fuck Hatebreed, that is the question? Yeah the topic arose again, which brought up a good point again by Oxford, just bring him on cause of TJES controversy around Hatebreed. Well Ellis went to the callers, cause of course the fucking callers aren’t morons, and the votes were official, Fuck Hatebreed, Fuck The Man, and look for Rainn Wilson riffing with Rawdog and the crew soon!

In case you didn’t know who Rainn Wilson is (On the left!)

Some shit about this 9 year old kid rapper, so go ahead and get that up ya. So who’s on twitter that ain’t following @mike_in_canada? Well he sent in an idea to Tully, ‘ey, and Fuck The Man we played a game today kids. Guess which Rock n Roll rumors are True, False or Who Gives a Shit! Aight so there’s not a ton to write really, and mostly cause I was just zoned listening and didn’t really jot my notes – but again, that just means it was radio gold my friends. Ok so Led Zepplin tied up and fucked some bitch with a shark, an octopus, whatever they had back in those days. Of course the David Bowie and Mick Jagger incident. John Lennon fucked mad dudes and Yoko called him out of the closet. The Beatles smoked weed at Buckingham Palace and their dentist slipped them LSD in hopes of an orgy. Jimi Hendrix was abducted by the mob while on heroin, and didn’t even know it happened. The whole Vanilla Ice Sooge Knight thingy and finally Marilyn Manson and Trent Rezner fucked some groupies bush out while on fire. So if any of that interests you to be true or false or whatever the fuck, go back n check it out! And if that don’t do it for you, how about a sweet new Jingleberries song about Tully shitting in a washing machine, yup!

Rawdog during his ass whipping from Katie, with a Horse Cock.

Rawdog been talking some shit, but first check out this gnarly fucking Sea Lamprey found in New Jersey! And second, one of the two assistant dudes, the shoebox dude, he’s now Anal Day Lewis, so that’s whats up. OK, so Rawdog says he knows more about music that Katie does, and Ellis calls bullshit. Maybe Ellis is just calling BS cause Katie’s his girl, or maybe he knows something Rawdog doesn’t. Either way shit’s gotta be settled and for cash n prizes, well you know. If Katie wins, get ready for Rawdog verse Katie at EllisMania 9! If Rawdog wins, well I wasn’t sure but it was something out of fart on her, grope her, spiderman her. Well before we get to the battle, lets see what Katie’s got for the new punching machine. Her first attempt fucking sucked ass, a 16. But she bounced back and got a nice 45 to top Cumtard, who immediately whined his way into another shot for himself only to drop a 36 and continue his legacy. Oh, and the other intern assistant guy (I guess there’s 2 dudes now, huh) he’s Fruitler which is an Australian American term for a fruity Hitler looking motha fucker. Will JizzCult Pendarvis III had 20 questions, and folks let me tell you, this will definitely without a doubt like your mom next to a cock garunted she sucks it be on Best Of real soon. Heres the scoring as I had it: Katie, Katie, Rawdog, Katie, Rawdog (3-2 Katie so far), Katie, Katie, Katie, Katie, Katie, Katie, Katie Katie (That’s now 11-2, still Katie by the way), both got it wrong, Katie, Katie, Rawdog, Katie! So basically Ellis Mania 9 just got fucking sicker and I just successfully name dropped @underwearwolf like 20 times!

This guy follows @mike_in_canada for sure, ‘ey!

Did you know that Ikea furniture is in the horse meat game? So Chuck from Eat At Carlos, get it – asked Ellismate what kind of custom calzone he and the boys would like? Well we all know this is a dream segment for TJES, and for us the target demographic, ya know dumb fatass Americans, so what is your dream calzone? How about an Ellis favorite spaghetti n meatball calzone, or perhaps the breakfast calzone with hash in it. You could get the Tully inspired Thanksgiving calzone, or maybe your a chocolate n Vanilla ice cream calzone like Rawdog. Whatever your into, get it up ya! If your into Twitter, then get @mike_in_canada up ya cause he strikes again, summoning the one and only GodWar to the show to play one his games for prizes, well by prizes really but its fun. This time GodWar hummed the rifs to popular rock songs, in reverse and reversed those or whatever the fuck he does, dudes weird really. Anyways Godwar did it again, no one reached the prize chamber, not even ol’ GhostLoad, ‘cept for one dude at the very end who nailed the last one despite its difficulty, so shout out to you dude whoever you may be!

How I Feel Before n After hearing Godwar

Not much in the way of Hollywood News, so we’ll just update you on Lindsay Lohan and call it a day. She told the man, Hey Fuck You Man (She must listen to the show or at least read the recaps), and is headed to court, cause she don’t wanna go to rehab. Oh and coincidentally the Green Day dude is out of rehab and said it sucked. Tully says dudes in rehab smoke cigarettes above the knuckle, I think its code for take it up the ass but I could be wrong. Ellis is in a Fuck Off mood, but loves ya #FullHomo, but seriously Fuck Off! That could only mean one thing, yup – Placenta Talk on The Jason Ellis Show! Oh boy some dude’s wife put placenta into pills so she can take them 4 times a day, Woman Am I Right? Tully kept Linsanity’s umbilical cord for like 8 months in the butter dish, and conveniently says all women from Wisconsin are bush pigs. The Used will be in concert tomorrow night in LA, and Ellis will be there, rocking WolfKnife attire perhaps. No alone time with The Wing on Final Calls, in fact, Tully pretty much took over from here. Remember the boss who asked Tully for advice on how to get his workers motivated without options to really replace them – And Oxford told him to fire like a 10th of his workforce, ya know trim the fat, and dude called back and damn if it didn’t work like a charm. Tully also called out some bitch who called in saying her man was scared to cum insider her even though she said she’s on the pill – when he asked her if she were to get pregnant, would she want to keep it? She jumped at her chance to answer yes, sounding sketchy as all hell leading Ellismate to tell dude to run for his life, and sparking the catch phrase “In the Bum, No Babies!”. That’s what I keep telling your grandma, but she insists her box fell out 20 years ago and I got nothing to worry about, sounds like a set up to me, OH!

No You Are

Red Dragons, Bitches

Tag Archives: mike_in_canada