Show Recap for Thursday 12/5/2013

Back again. It’s okay if you’re sick of me after this, cause I won’t be back until next week ;)

If you missed the show today that means you missed your opportunity to feed your Ellis Show obsession. If your hands are shaking, your heart is racing, your palms are sweaty, and you’re feeling itchy all over- you have come to the right place. A re-cap is almost as good as the real thing (I hope) so please feel free to feed your obsession here and be held over until the show replays in the morning. Shit. Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show on SiriusXM where it’s not terrestrial radio and therefore the show can be opened by saying shit and talking about bald pussy. Your pussy falls out when you’re 80. Box, box, box, box (read: pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy). Tully wonders if there was a way that someone could listen to the show and tally up all of the things that they would never be able to get away with on terrestrial radio, but Ellis says that they are way too understaffed for anyone to be able to do that. However, Wilson knows the guy who played the bleep button while Howard Stern was on terrestrial so maybe he could do it. They talk a bit about how it must have been such a shit high pressure job to be the person bleeping Stern out all of the time because he had Stern to answer to as well as lawyers to answer to for why he chose to bleep or not to bleep (as that is the terrestrial radio question). Ellis comments that Will kind of has that shit job in satellite radio form, but Will vehemently denies this. Just kidding. Of course he does.

It’s a good thing that Ellis isn’t out of it today, even though he woke up super early, because Tully proclaims that he is not on top of his game but he will be giving it the old college try. Why is Tully out of it? No it isn’t one of his bouts of insomnia, he actually slept through the night…however while sleeping he dreamed a dream where he was so tired but so busy with shit that he never got the chance to sleep. Channing Tatum made a cameo, cause why not, and Tully was talking to him about Dream Tatum’s pending fatherhood, then he had one other person to talk to, then he had to get out of there and do some other errand, and then he’d be able to sleep. But by the time he looked at the clock in his dream it was 5 AM and he had to be up. So, he slept through the night dreaming that he was tired and deprived of a full night’s sleep. I can see how that mindfuck’s one into being a little off the next day. He may still be in the dream. This may be a part of the dream. Because, yeah, I’m sure that Tully’s dreams include me typing out a recap at 10:30 at night.

But, wait, why was Ellis up extra early this morning? Well, he had a meeting at Devin’s school this morning with the Mummy, principle, teacher, therapist, and a couple of other people about how Devin is doing and talking about her future. So Daddy Ellis had to get the kiddies up early and get everyone where they needed to be so he could be at the meeting at school (which he doesn’t like going to, because no one likes going back to school). The meeting went well and left Ellis feeling good about things because his daughter is beautiful, smart, and talented and even though she has some trouble focusing on things, she can get back on track and her future will be sweet. At some point the Mummy tells Ellis that she can tell that Ellis is doing really well because of his therapy, which is such a great thing of her to say, and Tully chimes in his agreement. Because Ellis is awesome and all that hard work is paying off. More kiddie related stuff occurred involving Ellis laying down the law to his backseat mini-me’s, telling them that they would get 2 warnings when misbehaving and then the third time he had to say anything they would deal with the pre-set consequences. It was tested out when they were stuck in traffic for 2 hours and it worked, when Ellis told them the 2nd time to stop fighting he reminded them that one more time means bye bye Devin’s dollies and Tiggie’s skateboards for the whole weekend, so the rest of the ride was spent talking and playing games. This made Ellis happy because he was dreading taking things away from his kids, because he wants them to have fun and be happy and he was afraid of his resolve and ability to not fold when being buttered up by a pair of butter-up experts.

Ellis has reached the end of his 30 day self imposed sobriety and he is feeling really good about it. No, he did not spark up last night because he fell asleep on the couch and had his forehead licked by a bald pussy (ha), but maybe after he beats up Mike Jasper after the show he’ll go home and party a bit. Ellis says that he highly recommends going sober for 30 days if you’re really getting the inkling that maybe you are indulging too much (on whatever you choose to indulge in) because it’s hard to give something up and if you don’t buckle then you feel good accomplishing something without lying to yourself about it.

That somehow segued into Ellis telling everyone that he was attacked on twitter by a fat lady, presumably after his latest Dr. Drew HLN appearance repeated on TV, for his comment about fat people being scientifically proven to be more stupid than fit people. He could have made jokes at the lady, but he didn’t, because she would have taken him seriously and he isn’t that guy and he doesn’t wanna be mean (even if only joking) to someone that is going to take it to heart. He sort of regrets making the comment in the first place because he doesn’t want to be taken the wrong way and he doesn’t want to be mean to people, he just wants people to feel good and take care of themselves. Another twitter attack came from some random guy who somehow came across the infamous video of him being piss charged (I stole that from Adam who didn’t die, because it made me laugh) on and called him out to Joe Rogan and Huffington Post for ‘bashing’ someone who was mentally disabled for being homophobic. We all know that that isn’t the case and isn’t the motive behind how Ellis reacted, he was just reacting to a, literally, insane situation and he was prepared to defend himself if need be. He wasn’t bashing the woman for the fun of it, he was asking not to be dissed and threatened and told the lady that if she came at him he would not hesitate to defend himself. Case closed. The only reason it wound up on video is because he always has his camera on him for purposes, and after walking away he told the restaurant that she was next to that the authorities should be called and she needed to be admitted to a hospital. The tweet from the random guy did open Ellis’ eyes to the fact that most homeless people out there aren’t just drug addicts who couldn’t keep their addictions from ruining their lives, but that they have mental disorders which keep them from being able to function in society. It’s the sad truth that many homeless suffer from mental conditions and they aren’t getting any help, and Tully talks about how the only answer is for there to be more institutions to be built to help and home these people. Treatment for all- those who can be treated successfully get released and can become functioning members of society, and those that can’t need to be taken care of until they day. However, the government doesn’t seem to want to take these steps.

A caller named John calls the show to tell Ellis that he shouldn’t feel any regret over how he handled the situation as John has Manic Bipolar Disorder and has been in the situation where he was the crazy person and he is thankful for the people who were there to get him the help that he needed, even if it meant being hospitalized until he was stable again. John further went on to explain that Ellis is completely right about saying that fat people are, on average, not as smart as more fit people, so he shouldn’t feel bad about saying that either. He did offer the advice that maybe he should rephrase himself so it would be more clear that it’s not that fat people are stupid, it’s that because of their increased body mass, they aren’t getting the optimal amount of blood flow to their brains (since it’s busy oxygenating the rest of their body) and they have 15% less brainpower popping off as opposed to a person at their normal body weight. Good call, thanks John!!! Tully brings up that he found an article that talked about a study where a group of young people were given IQ tests and as they got older those with lower IQ’s are more likely to be obese as they grow up and those with higher IQ’s tend to be more fit. So the question still remains: does being fat make you stupid, or does being stupid make you fat? And it’s not to say that thin people are all geniuses and fat people are all morons- it’s about the averages. Tully brings up that Mayor Ford up in Canada may be an amazing level of reckless but he had to have been smarter than the average bear to get there in the first place, and Chris Christie (NJ Governer) is a front runner for the next presidential race. Ellis doesn’t think that America is going to have a fat president because appearing presidential doesn’t include being fat, and Tully points out that the last seriously overweight president was William Taft about a hundred years ago. Because, you know, it’s all about looking presidential…it’s not about the issues or anything crazy like that.

Coming back from the break Ellis and Tully want to talk about McDonald’s and the fast food workers purported strike and protests which were supposed to occur today (although I don’t know if any actually did) and this is an issue that they talked about a couple of months ago when the word started getting around that the minimum wage workers at McDonald’s wanted more money because 7 bucks an hour is not a livable wage no matter where you are in America. It was a super long segment and I’m gonna do my best to sum it up quickly because it was a lot of repeating of what was said the last time all of this was discussed. SO. No one on the show is an economist (and I’m not sure how many listeners are either) so they aren’t trying to have the answers. All they are doing is agreeing is that there is a problem. People who are working full time in menial jobs (not just fast food workers, but anyone who works full time hours and can’t make ends meet) deserve to make a wage that pays the bills and puts food on the table and in many jobs this is just not the case. There must be something that can be done on a corporate level to change this. The working middle class and the poor are facing a gap that’s larger than ever between them and the super rich (who just keep getting richer) and something has to be changed. There were a lot of callers who threw in their two cents and a lot of people were tweeting their opinions (shout out to @bitpimps and @mike_in_canada who didn’t have their noses up Tully and Ellis buttcrack for once…lmao) because it’s an issue that everybody feels passionately about. Ellis wants everyone to basically boycott fast food like McDonald’s and Chik Fil A since they are shit for you health wise and because they shit on the people who work for them. They both want people to be able to live. Fast food is a cog in the machine, they sort of need to be there, but there has to be a way to make it all work. The end. That’s all i’m saying here (even though I will say I do feel a blog coming on for Filterlessness).

Now, for some Cock News. Cialis is the shit! Apparently, you only need a half of one unless your junk is totally broken. Take a half of one of those puppies for a special occasion, go into bat-mode, and get your freak on. Back in 1983 there was a Urologist at a good old fashioned Urology convention who decided to do a presentation about the future of treatments for erectile dysfunction- that one day people would be able to take a pill and get hard. He then proceeded to share his discovery of a current treatment for erectile dysfunction which includes injecting a muscle relaxant directly into the penis making you hard for hours. He performed it on himself before beginning the lecture and stepped out from behind the podium, dropped his pants, and then urged members of the audience to experience the effectiveness by touching it. Women screamed and presumably ran from the building crying and scratching their eyeballs out because it was 1983. Finally…someone came across an article regarding how individual US States measure up…so to speak…and tweeted it to Tully which he gracefully stole and claimed as his own. Yeah, it was me. You’re welcome, Tully. The biggest dicks in the country belong to the men in the great state of North Dakota and the smallest peckers are hanging out in Mississippi…if you wanna know where your state lies click on the link.

In the spirit of charity, Ellis and Tully came up with a way to make some money for a charitable donation….TJES calendars!!! The calendars will feature members of the staff as well as friends from the show and all proceeds (not any of the Kim Kardashian percentage bullshit) will be donated to a charitable organization that wants their money. The calendar will feature Ellis, Tully, Jetta, Wilson, Katie, and (so long as they consent) Dingo, Jude, Johanna, Butterballs, Cumtard, and Christian in various scenarios including Wilson in a vat of beans with a confederate flag lanyard, Christian as Mr. Clean, Dingo as Princess Leia (complete with the buns), and Jetta in a bikini washing his Jetta. So many callers offered up wonderful ideas, and there was much protesting from Wilson about being in his vat of beans, even though it was he who suggested it in the first place.

Mike Jasper is in the studio (although at first he couldn’t get in) and they come back from the break talking about how people in Manhattan Beach are harassing Great White Sharks. Yes, you read that correctly, PEOPLE are going into the water to bully the SHARKS. Ellis is all for it, because then maybe the sharks will tell each other to lay off eating humans for a bit, and Tully is now convinced that when he was at a beach one town over that he did, in fact, see a shark. In other, much more sad news, a 9 year old boy in Compton was shot and killed in a drive-by, which sucks balls. Why is it always that innocent victims seem to be the victims instead of the targets when these guys are supposed to be gangster? Probably because they are asshole pussies who do it from far away.

Wrapping up the show Tully brings up that they are thinking about doing a new segment which involves them watching ridiculous television shows and then letting us know what they think of them, so they asked for listeners to tweet some suggestions for shows to watch, and then they were going to move on to the next segment. But they never got to the next segment as the phones began lighting up with suggestions from listeners who weren’t listening. But the guys didn’t mind and Tully compiled a list of shows for them to watch, and they decided to start with watching Turtle Man, which is a show about a backwoods man who does animal control with his bare hands and two teeth- suffering all the bites and spit along the way. Time for final calls? Yes, but no, because Adam is on the line waiting to not die and Ellis doesn’t wanna talk to anyone else because everyone really enjoyed the job that Adam did yesterday, and he did a fine job as well today.

Things we learned on the show today:

Porto’s is going to bring Ellis free pastries

Don’t dwell on your issues- do something about them

The 10s are pitting the 2s and 3s against the 1s

Ellis didn’t get the mummified 2 headed rabbit off Etsy :(

The Used gave a shout-out to DDD on twitter

A skinny neck means you probably have a skinny dick

Ellis was going to be a gigolo until Tony Hawk got him a job in radio

The Crocodile Hunter probably should have died wayyyyy before he died


Coppertone has the most wide spread pedophillic ad of all time

Ellis goes around curing Koala’s of herpes

Friday night fights will be on Friday nights

Ellis will be on HLN with Dr. Drew again next Thursday

Don’t try to steal painkillers from 75 year old cancer patients

You can bid to hang out with Ellis for charity on and for a chance to prove you’re as cool as Betsey




Show Re-cap for Thursday 8/29/2013

This recap was written by Jenni Mazki. She took advantage of the opportunity to write a recap for NoYouAre, the same opportunity that is open to everybondy in the EllisFam. If you would like to write for NoYouAre just contact @bitPimps or @Az_RedDragon and they will tell you how. Head Dragons!

 Be happy- don’t be pasty! Not only will you be one among the beautiful and happy tan society but people will like you more. In fact, maybe you should go and spend 10,000 hours outside working on your tan and be just as happy and likable as the happiest naturally tan person whom everyone likes. Or something like that. Personally, I advise copious amounts of sunscreen over this 10k tan session to try and minimize overall sun damage. Just make sure you aren’t albino, because no one will trust you as far as they can throw you. Also don’t be NBA player Blake Griffin for the same reason, and Tully is certain he can’t get Griffin off the ground.
TJES opened to a seeming stream of random consciousness starting with the opening monologue from Ellis speaking about how tan people are more likable than the more pasty skinned (though you’re excused if you’re naturally pale and just not too glued to the boob tube to go outside). And no, Raw Dog, Canadians aren’t pale- they get their snow glow on.

However, just in time for school, we’ve learned that Raw Dog skipped a grade (maybe or maybe not for parental bragging rights), was strangled during a play date with an 8 year old future sociopath, and a few months really makes a difference in the physical attributes of developing teenagers. Raw Dog slipped under the radar (because PTSD is a bitch), while Tully was always on the small side of the scale due to his July birthday, and Ellis was mildly blown away by the entire conversation as he dropped out in the 7th grade- but he didn’t care about being cool…he cared about just trying to stay alive. Hopefully someone really does create a campaign letting kids know that things really do get better after the raging hormone mind fuck that is school, that life doesn’t end because you fail a class or don’t ask the girl to prom, and there is more important shit in life.

This all was interspersed with the 10,000 hour conversation- that despite lack of natural talent, if you work at something for 10,000 hours you can be just as good as the person with all the God-given talent who puts in that same work. Ellis is a firm believer that hard work and persistence gets you where you wanna be in life, and it goes right along with his ’you control your own destiny’ mind set.

Some Ellismania 9 talk! Some videos of potential fighters for the shock collar fight seem to include Screaming Hymen and Highlands Drifter. Mike Jasper will have a chainsaw…it will not be a real chainsaw, because it’s the Hard Rock Hotel, not the Thunder Dome. However, the Hard Rock has already marqueed the big event. The pre-party on Friday is at the new club Vinyl, and there are rumors of EM9 giveaways like free tickets, room upgrades, a motorcycle, and other TJES swag (I said swag, I know, try not to hate on me too hard). Also…Tera Patrick vs. Sam Rubin in…outfits? I see awesome potential here.

Will there be tickets to the Jason Ellis Circus featuring Jason Ellis the traveling Lion Abuser? I would pay money to watch Ellis whip the shit out of a lion trapped in the back of his Mad Max-esque escape vehicle while cops tried unsuccessfully to capture him. I don’t watch tv, but sounds like anything wayyyyyy better then the scripted unreal reality shows that are played all day every day. Special guest appearance by Raw Dog, the Surly Drinking Clown, because clowns weren’t previously creepy enough.

Wilson, the out of the problem gambler closet, spoke often in a segment about (10,000 hours!!) gambling. Yes, he has a system, but he also gets tons of free shit and has only lost thousands of dollars a time or two. A true addict has his system down. The guys mostly agree (except Wilson who may have been itching throughout the conversation and looking around for slots) that they would rather spend gambling money on more substantial materialistic things, so that as least they would have something to show for the money that they were spending.

Danny Brown, if you are listening, or reading, or maybe you are listening to someone read this, you were aware that you were getting head on stage, you’re lying when you say that you didn’t realize what was happening. Be honest, you were high, very high…and you’re lying.

Now, it’s time for the origins of those famous/cliche sayings that have been around forever and no one knows where they came from. Lets nip it in the butt. Bite the bullet because you’re gonna murder yourself (or you might be a Revolutionary War era soldier who needs amputation), the cat has your tongue because of random violent cat attacks on men calling little girls bitches, people in the 1500s were dirty and threw their kids out with the bathwater because men knew about the dangers of water and the monsters within, and Raw Dog believes that he would be a medieval wizard (even though his iPhone would no longer work and he would be as dumb as the rest).

Detroit had to close down one of their McDonalds due to the fact the workers were on strike because they can’t live on minimum wage. We all know minimum wage is a joke and McD’s and other soul sucking chains can afford to pay their workers more, but they won’t because it’s less money for their pockets. They proved to their employees that even with 2 jobs, their wages are unlivable, and maybe we should all be boycotting fast food chains. But Raw Dog will still probably eat it all. Raising the minimum wage for fast food super chains would be the lesbian scissor kick cookie tickle of economic stimulation, but are there macroeconomic repercussions we mathletes can’t foresee? All I know is that I was making 13 dollars an hour at an office job and I couldn’t afford to eat food and my apartment had two rooms that had no door and cost almost a thousand dollars a month (and was considered a steal). Ellis proposed, for all those living the single life, going out to get furry clothes and learning to live in the bush, cause that shit is free, and then you can just steal you a wife- caveman style. Agreed.

If The Jason Ellis Show hosts ruled the world, or at least were the triumvirate of Presidents in charge of America, they would start off their first presidential campaign by unleashing hell with common sense in the year of hilarious terror. As presidents they plan on weeding out the undesirables among us mighty Americans through a series of clever ruses booby trapped to do away with those who respond. Instead of Mount Rushmore, they would be featured on Mount Kushmore, which would probably go down in history as the most bad ass monument in the world. Among those who must die are drivers of the new Bacon car by Ford (because bacon is apparently so over and if you dip your bacon in chocolate get over yourself!!!!), Khloe Kardashian lovers, pedophiles, crackheads, murderers, people who are morbidly obese, people who watch too much television (bc let’s face it, obviously they’re obviously pasty on top of it), people on welfare who also buy drugs, people ordering from QVC, smokers, cock fighters and dog fighters, and possibly Raw Dog if he successfully creates pneumatic tubes to replace highways. From what they listed, it seems I would survive the initial purge and live to see FreeWorld, the Annual Burning Man Bloodbath, and their State of the Union. I’m sure Ellis would also have no more problems arranging Ellis Moto-Mania.

Other tidbits worthy of note are:

If you listen to the Jason Ellis Show on demand, Sunday’s ’Best of’ shows at 3pmand 9pm eastern are actually chock full of extra hilarity goodies care of Cullen, and are 4 to 5 hours long.

Rude Jude has a block on the new Jason Ellis Channel on Saturday at 6pm eastern.

Don’t hoard gold if you’re anticipating the end of the world. Everlast will laugh at you, and you will have no future children to pass it to because you will be dead as you can’t eat or drink gold (without painful consequences, at least).

The guys at On It may be Ellis’ personal hit squad, he received a very heavy head in a box from them.

We may one day see Ellis with a Jack Nicholson receding hairline haircut with the added bonus of a wolf face.

August 29, 2013 would have been Michael Jackson’s 55th birthday.

Blood is thicker than water for the exact opposite reason that you think.

The Loch Ness looks like it has seaweed in it.

Jason Ellis for president.

Do what Tully says and visit