Show Recap for Tuesday 5/5/15


Welcome to the show on this ever so lovely Tuesday! At least, well, it’s lovely here in New York..a nice 84 degree day in May, which is awesome to me cause I hate wearing clothes and the hotter it gets outside the more socially acceptable it is for me to not wear them all that much!!! I was parading around most of the day in yoga capris and a cute little crop top because i give zero fucks!!! But, I guess we aren’t really here to talk about my day..we’re here to talk about The Coalition of Chaos.

Ellis opened up the show talking about how he was going to be making changes to (that’s the official website that you should all go and run and sign up for if you’re dedicated enough to be reading this blog cause you missed the show) and honestly, i have no idea exactly what changes he plans on making because he confused the hell outta me the whole time he was talking about it. and i don’t feel bad at all about being confused cause I’m pretty sure Tully wasn’t all that clear about what was going on with the changes either. will surely be awesome. Speaking of the hell is Tully? Well, he’s great, thanks for asking. He’s great because it’s Tuesday and Tuesday is great because Monday nights he goes to the gym and has himself a nice relaxing yoga sesh followed by some rigorous swimming which leaves him nice and tired and he gets a great night of sleep. Hell yeah, yoga. Ellis then gets distracted by seeing everyone’s favorite ambassador from Shade Four Fizzle and Jude comes on the air!!! Yayyyyy!!! Jude had a great time in his vacation, hanging out with his family and his daughter. He enjoyed it so much, in fact, that he is now getting the itch to start his own family. Again. I mean..he does already have a kind of family, since he’s a dad, but like, he wants to do it on purpose and shit. Ellis said that doesn’t surprise him based on everything that Jude had been posting to Instagram and everyone’s happy to have Jude back. Tully comes in with a story about how some random dude in the men’s room tried to give him parenting advice regarding potty training and his tired and cranky Little Dude, but Tully told him in no uncertain terms to step the fuck off cause he has the sitch under control and doesn’t  need advice from someone about to whip out his dick in front of him. Then they get into some deep talk about being driven by anger and that’s when Ellis asks if they can go home for the day because the hard work is the deep shit and that shits done.

Moving on Ellis wants to make a new intro from the show because, TJES is always evolving so why not evolve a new intro to go along with it? They took some calls from listeners for ideas for the musical intro/background but it was all for nothing because Jude had already suggested the absolute perfect song and fuck all if I remember what the hell it was. And of course I didn’t write it down. Why would I do something smart like that? Just, trust me, it was the perfect song. They gabbed a bit about what was going to go into the new ‘tro and Will was talking about space and satellites and birds and coming down to the earth and Ellis was telling him to write it down but it all sounded like absolute nonsense to me and I’m not really sure if Ellis was just humoring Will..but then again, Will is kinda magical when it comes to saying random words and making it sound too legit to’ll prolly all work out.

Some guy in Chicago robbed a Subway, probably because he was angry about his foot long not being a foot long- but he was caught not long after as he was across the street at Subway’s competitor Potbelly where he was using the money he had just robbed from subway to purchase and eat a sandwich from there. You sir, are a very hungry and picky moron.
This weekend is all best of Jason Ellis- 24 hours of Jason ellis through Sunday night with no songs in between! Ellis didn’t know there were enough good shows for that…but Will was quick to set him straight and tell him that there’s some great, great (that’s 2 greats) stuff in there and of course there’s enough for a weekend cause there’s a whole Jason Ellis channel that is 24/7 all Ellis- all the time. Tully just asked Will to make sure to play the Slash interview because he almost had it committed to memory.

Ellis wants there to be more cameras in the studio and he also wants to be able to control where they’re pointed because there are times he really wants to catch other people’s faces and reactions to things for He was talking about some sort of adjustable lamp thing, but for cameras and Andrew suggested a camera lazy Susan, but Ellis doesn’t like Lazy Susan- probably because she’s a giant lazy cunt. Then Ellis said that there should be a BroPro- a camera that someone has to strap to their head and wear all day when they do something moronic instead of having to spin the wheel- and they’ll have to deal with trying to hide their dick when they take a piss during the day. A BroPro sure would have come in handy for Big Daddy Jayce Cakes who had the BJJ match of his life with his trainer this morning but didn’t capture it on film because he didn’t press the right button to record, leaving Tully skeptical that Ellis was, as he described, just like Tom Cruise in the Last Samurai- able to anticipate his opponents moves perfectly before they even happened.

Then there was this whole big thing between Andrew and Kevin and Will who were all annoying each other throughout the day by being themselves and singing along to music and then purposefully trying to annoy each other and they should have a camera in the green room so we can watch this shit go down live on OJE because it really seems like a show within a show situation and I would love to watch Will get progressively more annoyed as the day goes on.

Will brought up some vigilante type superhero guys who hang out around LA and wear disguises and all that horseshit and was making fun of them, but Ellis got it into his brain that he and Will should join their ranks as Butt Rubber and Sonic Juice and help to make LA a safer place and video it. It developed into a whole big thing about Andrew and Kevin being Tall Boy and Small Boy dressed as dirty bum clowns- because who would fuck with them then and then it somehow turned into TJES guys being the Coalition of Chaos (COC- pronounced “cock”) who would, of course, be the nemeses of these superhero do gooders with Tully as the ring leader because he does the absolute pitch perfect evil coalition ring leader voice and Will rolling around as the Master of Mischief in a Stephen Hawking type get up and seriously I was laughing so hard the whole time they were talking about this that I barely heard half of it. It was so fucking funny that if they don’t actually do it I might die a little inside.

Tully then put out the call to listeners for some inspired ideas for Mother’s Day and the best thing anyone came up with is making a giant paper mâché vagina and re enacting birth. Really, guys? Although, I really can’t say anything cause all I ever really want for Mothers Day is a card and some flowers and some sort of food. Yeah, Mother’s Day is special..but I don’t think it has to be anything fancy. This year, the best thing I’ve come across is Con’s Taekwondo school is doing a movie night for the kids Saturday Night so that Daddy’s can take Mommy (or stepmommy) out for a date night. I want to see the Avengers movie for my date night. And then they were talking about cruises for a long time. Not normal cruises, of course, but swingers cruises and cat lover cruises and Motörhead cruises..and I was doing housework and a little zoned out..but Ellis did like the idea of an Ellismania- Cruisin for a Bruising cruise when Tully said it…not when a caller said it, but when Tully said it.

Wrapping up the show they played a game of Mystety Karaoke where the guys had to sing along to widely known songs that no one ever really knows the words to and Andrew was terrible and Tully was amazing. Will, kevin, and Ellis also get gold stars for going for it with gusto. Andrew bummed Ellis out really hard by not giving it his all, but he came back in the end when he sang You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling like the frat boy that he will always be.
That’s all I’ve got on this lovely Tuesday…happy Cinqo de Mayo—where’s my margarita?!?!?!

Show Recap for Thursday 1/9/2014

Fucking SiriusXM app. Try again. Fucking shit. Check password. God Damn It To Fucking Hell You Shitball Fucking App! Check twitter. Fuck. Are you serious? Fuck!! Damnshitfuck!! Check app. Check twitter. Check app. Repeat ad nauseum for one hour.

Yeah, that’s how the show began for me, so, if you are one of the many listeners who experienced the same thing and were coming here to find out what you missed…I’d apologize if I weren’t still pissed off. And why am I still pissed off? Because the app imploded toward the end of the show as well and left me high and fucking dry. Of course. Oh, except for the last six minutes. It came back to life for the last six minutes. Because, why not?

Our good friend Jude is in the studio by the time my app decided to start working and for a while I was genuinely soothed by the dulcet tones of his voice because I’m a girl and he’s a guy with a sexy voice and Hubbs wasn’t around to talk to me with his similarly fucking amazing brown sugar butter voice. I came in right smack in the middle of a conversation that I’m not sure I really wanted to know all that much about where Cumtard was talking about drinking a blood blister and Ellis’s headphones kept cutting out. Tully doesn’t think that it would be too bad to suck the juice out of a blood blister if he was getting a blowjob at the same time, but Ellis thinks that it would be better if he drank bloody blister juice before or after receiving a blowjob as to not taint the deed itself. Jude agrees with Ellis more than Tully, though he probably wouldn’t do blood blister sucking at all because he is super not into bodily fluids, and would rather just get the blowjob or have sex. Which turns ironic when Cumtard brings up a story from Jude’s new book Hyena. And yeah…that is the link to go buy it off of Amazon, because you should. Anyway…let me do this up right:

*Cue the epic movie background music*
Much like today, when Jude was a young boy of about 18 or 19 he enjoyed getting laid. At this particular time in his life the object of his affections was a youthful lady moved to the city who banged a lot of black dudes because those are kind of a novelty when you move to the city from SmallTown America. After some vociferous lovemaking on her part, she became pregnant with an unwanted love child and Jude valiantly agreed to be the one to take the young lass to the abortion clinic. Jude, being well versed in life on the mean streets of a big city was familiar with the abortion process, despite his rather young age, and knew that this sweet, young piece of ass would be out of commission for a few weeks following the procedure and the morning of, decided that he would try to get one last sac romp in. As the maiden was not quite in the mood to make the beast with two backs Jude employed all of the tricks in his book in order to get her to consent to being pounded, finally settling on eating her out, as she had been doing black guys and they don’t eat pussy. Apparently. Anyway *cue the rise in dramatic music* Jude sets to work and notices that something is not tasting not quite right. In fact, it tastes like pennies and fish, but he powers through it because he really wants to get laid. Like really. And sometimes you just have to power through that shit. But the taste continues, in fact, it gets worse, so he decides to get on to the pounding (albeit somewhat distracted by remnants of the taste in his beard). Jude takes the girl to the clinic and five minutes after walking in, she comes back out- not because she has decided to keep the baby….but because *throw some drums in there movie music guy…and maybe some horns and cymbals* she had a miscarriage. Bumbumbum BA-DUM!!!!!! If you can’t make the leap…Jude ate miscarried baby goop out of some bitch’s cookie back in the day. Yeah. He did. No wonder he isn’t a fan of bodily fluids. How did the relationship go after that and the utterly silent half hour car ride home? Let’s just say that there’s really no coming back from eating miscarriage product straight from the source…but he still got to drive her car. *Fade to black*

You’re welcome.

Next up on The Jason Ellis Show, Ellis wants to talk about how if he can’t have his own Jason Ellis channel he will overtake Faction to the point where it’s The Jason Ellis Show Channel anyway. What does this mean? He wants the fans of the show and listeners of Faction to really be heard about the music that gets played on Faction and to get the shit music off of the station and sent into the abyss of being played on some other SiriusXM channel. How can this happen? Well, one thing that can be done is for listeners to go here and sign up to be on the Faction Board of Directors where you fill out surveys about the music that gets played on the channel. This, rather simple topic spirals into a lengthy debate/discussion between Ellis, Will, and Tully about Ellis talking about it on the radio and possibly influencing or ‘tainting’ the results of the survey. The gist? Will says that Ellis has a lot of influence and that if he says to listeners “go and vote to get Beck taken off of Faction rotations” that we mindless automatons will go and vote and get Beck taken off of Faction. Which, really isn’t a bad thing, but I guess Will is more afraid of an “insert name of marginally popular band in place of Beck” proclamation of abhorrent suckiness that will get an okay or even more than okay band or song kicked out of the rotation because we are mindless and Ellis says so. What Will wants, what Ellis and Tully want, is for the listeners of Faction to be as happy about the music played on Faction as possible. Obviously there is no making everyone happy about everything all of the time, but, as close as possible is what they’re all aiming for. Calls on the subject are taken. People love 311, people hate 311, everyone hates Beck, someone makes a restaurant analogy that doesn’t quite make sense to me, and a mindless automaton calls (which probably shook Wilson to the bone). Talking about the music played on air, while on the air, qualifies as the worst torture imaginable for Will so Tully and Ellis play some songs that are currently played on the station and pass their judgement in as non-influential way possible.

Back from the break Ellis and Tully are joined in the studio by Jim Florentine and…nope…just him for now cause the other guy is dropping a deuce. Jim Florentine has a really hot wife who Ellis still can’t believe is married to him because she can do so much better as she is smart, beautiful, and really put together and Jim Florentine is…Jim Florentine. Don Jamieson (the guy who just took a shit) joins the party and they talk about how sometimes it’s better if you’re with a woman who’s taste doesn’t run too similar to yours because then you aren’t surprised when shit that you like she hates and vice versa. Tully points out that if you both like metal, then you probably don’t both like the same kind of metal, and if you’re girl says she doesn’t like the new Sabbath even though she likes metal well, then, she just has to die. And that’s messy. And no one wants that. It would be much easier if she liked country and you knew she didn’t like it because she doesn’t effing understand it anyway. Ellis asks Jamieson about himself because he already knows Florentine and apparently Don Jamieson is a guy from Jersey who makes dick jokes that owns 6 guitars and can’t play them. But really, they are on the show because they are comedians with a show on VH1 called That Metal Show and they are funny ass fucks who love metal. They talk a lot about getting laid, how the pickup line “Hey, do you want to sit on my face?” still works (with an apparent 1/10 girl odds in a college bar, in case you were wondering), and farts. I really wasn’t surprised about the pickup line story because the guy I’ve been with for the past 3 or 4 years or whatever got me with the fabulous pick-up “I want to hump your face” because I’m the bitch who says back, “that’s because I have a very humpable face” with the story ending in a hotel room at dawn after no sleep and lots of face humping and other activities. True Story.

Back to Ellis (because no, I’m not trying to create fun and interesting filler to fill the void created in this recap and my life by the SiriusXM app. Not. Notnotnot.) Jim Florentine has never seen the hole of his own ass, or the hole of his wife’s ass. He is more disappointed about one than the other. Apparently his wife is not in to butt play. Which is all fine and good, to each his own, yaddayadda, but I still think it’s weird that he hasn’t at least seen it. I mean…it’s right there! It isn’t really a surprise that she hasn’t seen the hole of his ass considering how much gas comes out of it as Jim and Don are very vocal about their years of fart-based antics. Ellis thinks that their fart stories are gross…but they are also really amazing. I mean…these guys almost downed a plane with their ass-gas, they cleared out a Slipknot after party in a bar at Madison Square Garden that is remembered by Corey Taylor TO THIS DAY, and made Axle Rose’s sister think that the venue they were in was under a terrorist attack. With ass gas. Benji Madden (who wandered into the studio at some point) is duly impressed with their fart stories. But Florentine brings up how he still holds out hope that his wife will eat his ass. Don Jamieson shoots him down saying that once she knows what comes out of there she will never do it, and tells Ellis and Tully that his girlfriend refused to toss his salad after they moved in together and he used the bathroom saying, “Never again.” And, maybe I’m gross (in my notebook approximately every other sentence while taking notes on this is ‘does this mean I’m gross’) because I’ve been with Hubbs for years, I’m well aware at what his butt is capable of, and…yeah, I still do it. So, in case you were wondering…I might be gross. Although…I am also very aware of his bathing habits sooooo…maybe I’m only a little gross? Whatever. It’s fun.

Still talking about farts and the powers of their asses, Ellis asks them what their Instagram handles are, because he wants to see this shit on Instagram. But…they don’t have Instagram!!!!!!! Benji, Tully, and Ellis then break down for them exactly why they should have the popular app, why in fact as entertainers it is kind of their job to have the app, and though Jim Florentine comes out firmly against Instagram in the beginning of the conversation, Benji seems to have him convinced by the end. So…look forward to that folks!!!!!

Up after the break- Bert McCracken and Christian Hand and a new single from Death!Death!Die!

Except then SiriusXM sucks dick and my app shit the fuck out again. Yeah..I know. Fuck me. I tried and tried and tried and finally got back in for the last 6 minutes of the show and listened to some final calls which I didn’t really hear through the hatred screaming in my mind for SiriusXM and their app. I turned to Twitter for help and was told that Bert talked about life in Australia and was awesome (because Duh) and Cumtard is super against the idea of a chick playing around his bum-hole. I heard the tail (ha) end of this and he’ll take a dildo up the butt for the cool amount of $10,000 cash. That’s a pretty high price. In case you don’t know, and are reading this for some reason Mr. Kraft, the anus has a million more nerve endings than the head of your dick so having a dildo up there probs feels pretty fantastical for you. I mean, as a girl, I think it feels like stars bursting into magic. Start small- a pinkie, a tongue, anything…go read my blog, convince yourself. It’s phenomenal. Don’t knock it til you try it. I did hear Adam do his closing, but he didn’t really help my situation…gee thanks guy…and that’s where this all sort of ends. Sorry if you are disappointed. Feel free to hate at me @jennimazky on twitter. Maybe I’ll post pics of my boobs in penance. I dunno. I’m pretty disappointed in myself. Even if it isn’t completely my fault. But that sounds like a bullshit lame excuse.

Things we learned on the Jason Ellis Show today:

Jude ate a black kid

My Blood plays on Liquid Metal

Will is chippy these days

Rude Jude wants to play music picks on the show

It doesn’t get awkward anymore…no one cares

Dropkick Murphy’s are too good for Ellis to be able to convince his fandom that they are bad

Tully likes Vampire Weekend

Wax sounds like the band

David Blaine is better than Criss Angel, but he’s still a kook

If Tully and Ellis can agree on one thing….it’s Praise the Lord

Funny people can get laid

Jim Florentine would take a blowjob from a sheet with a mouth hole, but would prefer an ugly girl, cause she would try harder

Ellis got 4 blowjobs last night and came 3 1/2 times

Fart jokes will always be funny

Benji Madden is awesome

If you’re going to be in the game, then you have to play the fucking game

Go to


***again…I’m sorry about this…I know this wasn’t the recap that you were looking for…and I don’t have the right droids either. Gripe to me on twitter. Don’t hold it against me too long. Love you guys!!!