The Jason Ellis Show woke The Jingleberries up from their hibernation to produce some new show intro’s, and as per usual, they delivered gold. A new intro for each day of the week.
Welcome to the show on this ever so lovely Tuesday! At least, well, it’s lovely here in New York..a nice 84 degree day in May, which is awesome to me cause I hate wearing clothes and the hotter it gets outside the more socially acceptable it is for me to not wear them all that much!!! I was parading around most of the day in yoga capris and a cute little crop top because i give zero fucks!!! But, I guess we aren’t really here to talk about my day..we’re here to talk about The Coalition of Chaos.
Ellis opened up the show talking about how he was going to be making changes to officialjasonellis.com (that’s the official website that you should all go and run and sign up for if you’re dedicated enough to be reading this blog cause you missed the show) and honestly, i have no idea exactly what changes he plans on making because he confused the hell outta me the whole time he was talking about it. and i don’t feel bad at all about being confused cause I’m pretty sure Tully wasn’t all that clear about what was going on with the changes either. Whatever..it will surely be awesome. Speaking of Tully..how the hell is Tully? Well, he’s great, thanks for asking. He’s great because it’s Tuesday and Tuesday is great because Monday nights he goes to the gym and has himself a nice relaxing yoga sesh followed by some rigorous swimming which leaves him nice and tired and he gets a great night of sleep. Hell yeah, yoga. Ellis then gets distracted by seeing everyone’s favorite ambassador from Shade Four Fizzle and Jude comes on the air!!! Yayyyyy!!! Jude had a great time in his vacation, hanging out with his family and his daughter. He enjoyed it so much, in fact, that he is now getting the itch to start his own family. Again. I mean..he does already have a kind of family, since he’s a dad, but like, he wants to do it on purpose and shit. Ellis said that doesn’t surprise him based on everything that Jude had been posting to Instagram and everyone’s happy to have Jude back. Tully comes in with a story about how some random dude in the men’s room tried to give him parenting advice regarding potty training and his tired and cranky Little Dude, but Tully told him in no uncertain terms to step the fuck off cause he has the sitch under control and doesn’t need advice from someone about to whip out his dick in front of him. Then they get into some deep talk about being driven by anger and that’s when Ellis asks if they can go home for the day because the hard work is the deep shit and that shits done.
Moving on Ellis wants to make a new intro from the show because, TJES is always evolving so why not evolve a new intro to go along with it? They took some calls from listeners for ideas for the musical intro/background but it was all for nothing because Jude had already suggested the absolute perfect song and fuck all if I remember what the hell it was. And of course I didn’t write it down. Why would I do something smart like that? Just, trust me, it was the perfect song. They gabbed a bit about what was going to go into the new ‘tro and Will was talking about space and satellites and birds and coming down to the earth and Ellis was telling him to write it down but it all sounded like absolute nonsense to me and I’m not really sure if Ellis was just humoring Will..but then again, Will is kinda magical when it comes to saying random words and making it sound too legit to quit..so..it’ll prolly all work out.
Some guy in Chicago robbed a Subway, probably because he was angry about his foot long not being a foot long- but he was caught not long after as he was across the street at Subway’s competitor Potbelly where he was using the money he had just robbed from subway to purchase and eat a sandwich from there. You sir, are a very hungry and picky moron.
This weekend is all best of Jason Ellis- 24 hours of Jason ellis through Sunday night with no songs in between! Ellis didn’t know there were enough good shows for that…but Will was quick to set him straight and tell him that there’s some great, great (that’s 2 greats) stuff in there and of course there’s enough for a weekend cause there’s a whole Jason Ellis channel that is 24/7 all Ellis- all the time. Tully just asked Will to make sure to play the Slash interview because he almost had it committed to memory.
Ellis wants there to be more cameras in the studio and he also wants to be able to control where they’re pointed because there are times he really wants to catch other people’s faces and reactions to things for OfficialJasonEllis.com. He was talking about some sort of adjustable lamp thing, but for cameras and Andrew suggested a camera lazy Susan, but Ellis doesn’t like Lazy Susan- probably because she’s a giant lazy cunt. Then Ellis said that there should be a BroPro- a camera that someone has to strap to their head and wear all day when they do something moronic instead of having to spin the wheel- and they’ll have to deal with trying to hide their dick when they take a piss during the day. A BroPro sure would have come in handy for Big Daddy Jayce Cakes who had the BJJ match of his life with his trainer this morning but didn’t capture it on film because he didn’t press the right button to record, leaving Tully skeptical that Ellis was, as he described, just like Tom Cruise in the Last Samurai- able to anticipate his opponents moves perfectly before they even happened.
Then there was this whole big thing between Andrew and Kevin and Will who were all annoying each other throughout the day by being themselves and singing along to music and then purposefully trying to annoy each other and they should have a camera in the green room so we can watch this shit go down live on OJE because it really seems like a show within a show situation and I would love to watch Will get progressively more annoyed as the day goes on.
Will brought up some vigilante type superhero guys who hang out around LA and wear disguises and all that horseshit and was making fun of them, but Ellis got it into his brain that he and Will should join their ranks as Butt Rubber and Sonic Juice and help to make LA a safer place and video it. It developed into a whole big thing about Andrew and Kevin being Tall Boy and Small Boy dressed as dirty bum clowns- because who would fuck with them then and then it somehow turned into TJES guys being the Coalition of Chaos (COC- pronounced “cock”) who would, of course, be the nemeses of these superhero do gooders with Tully as the ring leader because he does the absolute pitch perfect evil coalition ring leader voice and Will rolling around as the Master of Mischief in a Stephen Hawking type get up and seriously I was laughing so hard the whole time they were talking about this that I barely heard half of it. It was so fucking funny that if they don’t actually do it I might die a little inside.
Tully then put out the call to listeners for some inspired ideas for Mother’s Day and the best thing anyone came up with is making a giant paper mâché vagina and re enacting birth. Really, guys? Although, I really can’t say anything cause all I ever really want for Mothers Day is a card and some flowers and some sort of food. Yeah, Mother’s Day is special..but I don’t think it has to be anything fancy. This year, the best thing I’ve come across is Con’s Taekwondo school is doing a movie night for the kids Saturday Night so that Daddy’s can take Mommy (or stepmommy) out for a date night. I want to see the Avengers movie for my date night. And then they were talking about cruises for a long time. Not normal cruises, of course, but swingers cruises and cat lover cruises and Motörhead cruises..and I was doing housework and a little zoned out..but Ellis did like the idea of an Ellismania- Cruisin for a Bruising cruise when Tully said it…not when a caller said it, but when Tully said it.
Wrapping up the show they played a game of Mystety Karaoke where the guys had to sing along to widely known songs that no one ever really knows the words to and Andrew was terrible and Tully was amazing. Will, kevin, and Ellis also get gold stars for going for it with gusto. Andrew bummed Ellis out really hard by not giving it his all, but he came back in the end when he sang You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling like the frat boy that he will always be.
That’s all I’ve got on this lovely Tuesday…happy Cinqo de Mayo—where’s my margarita?!?!?!
Is this pen gonna work? No? How about this one? Nope? Fuck. Dammit. I hate this pen. Uggghhhh…I need new pens so bad. Blah, blah, blah, this one will work, I guess. <3 <3 <3
Because, according to my notes, that is how the show started today!!!! In actuality…welcome to the recapiest recap of the recapable recapacapacap written by a lady wielding a vagina this week of The Jason Ellis Show!!! You’ve missed me!!! You know it!!! So many things have happened on the past couple of Thursdays, except not, because there was no show just some Best Of and you came to this site neeeeeeeding to see the beautiful words that I write and you were left wanting. I know. The horror. That’s probably why I got so many new followers on instagram without needing to post pictures of my butt or put copious amounts of cleavage in my avi. Yeah, I know, I know what goes on.
But really this time.
Welcome to your favorite site of recaps that has ever existed for The Jason Ellis Show! Ellis opened up the show today talking about how he has one microphone stick that says ‘host’ and another one which says ‘God’ and that’s a lot to live up to, but Ellis gets down with pressure and he is up for the challenge, so fuck you! Probably. Because, you know, there’s a lot of shit that you come up against in life, like being young and having to blow some people and your bones coming out of your arm, and while they may not have expressly happened to you, everyone has their shit stories (and if you don’t you’re either lying and we all hate you, or you live a charmed life and we’d all hate you if you weren’t so awesomely charmed) and you have to suck it up and keep on going. I don’t really know if Ellis got to that part of the message, but that’s the message he’s always throwing out there and I was driving by this point and that’s what I’m saying, so feel free to take it as gospel. From an atheist. Boom. Mind blown.
Anywhoooo…all of this talk of shit going down in your life and it being scary as shit having your bones come out of your arm (that almost happened to me when I was 8 and even being on the brink of having bones splinter and erupt through your flesh is pretty goddamn terrifying) snowballed into talk about scary movies and scary things and how the horror genre has made the shift from the Saw-based realistic (sort of) horror to the more supernatural horror movies that we have been getting over the last few years like…uh….I keep seeing a preview for Oculus which looks supernatural and terrifying….so that is my example. I don’t watch horror movies because my life has been horrific enough and I was scarred for life by Jason Goes to Hell when I was about 6 years old (seriously…I was present during a conversation about Michael Meyers about 2 years ago and I had nightmares about him for a week…it was a conversation…I didn’t even watch the fucking movie) and basically even the worst, non-scary movie out there will give me anxiety attacks for a month. I feel like I’ve said this before to you guys who are nameless and faceless and reading this, so, if that’s true…sorry for the re-hash of a re-cap…but it’s applicable, so fuck you at the same time…kind of. Ellis enjoys the ‘it can actually happen’ horror movies as opposed to Tully who likes the supernatural horror movies, because Ellis wants to see some movies where big wild animals like Lions, and Tigers, and Bears (oh my!) are walking around chewing on a still struggling Dorothy as opposed to linking arms with her and singing and dancing their way to Oz…because that shit is frightening for realsies. Tully explains that he prefers the supernatural horror because he, in real life, would get locked into a cage with a lion and be resigned to his fate and not surprised at the prospect of the lion attacking and mauling him to death, but he doesn’t really know how he would react if the supernatural forces out there were out to get him and tear him limb from limb with their supernaturalforciness. I get that. Either way…I’m not fucking watching. So there.
On the supernatural wave we shall surf further and talk of shadow people that Will saw as a child, and no- he was not referring to black people, he was talking about some sort of oogly-googly ghosties that would send Shaggy and Scooby Doo scrambling for the comfort of the nearest hilarious object to hide in. And even still speaking of the supernatural…how come the guys from those Ghost Hunter television shows were never contacted about having Ellis on their show? Wilson, where are you? Oh, wait, what’s that? They were contacted and they seemed none too eager to have a potentially adversarial person who doesn’t believe in the supernatural at all on the show? Oh. Well. Oh….jerks. It would have been entertaining. We all know by now that Ellis has absolutely no belief in the supernatural because he’s been all over the world and on all sorts of drugs and the closest thing that he’s ever come to a supernatural experience is when he put a can of Sprite down and it shimmied its way across the coffee table…but he kept his cool and did some googling…and it was from the condensation, guys, so calm down. Tully is pretty skeptical regarding the whole supernatural thing…I remember him briefly talking about an experience with a tape recorder or something and relating it to his own unknown psychic energy (except when he explained it, it didn’t involve the words psychic energy at all and sounded way more plausible) so I really think that he could go either way when confronted by the whole supernatural thing, which is why he is more scared by horror movies that are supernatural in nature. And I’m soooooo over typing out the word supernatural. Moving on, there was talk about Sasquatch and how they can’t exist, and people still think that they exist, and getting a budget to pull some wicked awesome squatch pranks on unsuspecting people.
Back from the first break, Tully tells us that there was a 63 year old woman in Tathta, Australia went for an annual swim with some other swimmers and never returned. Going from the news story he was reading, Tully told us all that no remains had been found and no one was really sure about what happened to the woman, other than she had apparently perished at some point during the swim, which is a pretty normally swam route, and they made a couple jokes about her being the weakest of the pack singled out and she was probably gotten by a shark. Well…good guess, guys, cause the news story that I turned up and linked to says that, yeah, a shark got her. Ellis informs us, his avid listeners, that shark attacks are on the rise because of everyone being bad to the environment, so you better watch the fuck out or you’re gonna get eaten by a shark. Get green or get dead is the sage advice that Mr. Tully bestows on us…and yeah…I’m never going into the ocean again. Except not, because I live on an island and the beach is where I like to live during the summertime. Al Gore apparently is a frisky fuck when it comes to massages and is always out for a happy ending, but never goes to any of the places where a happy ending is part of the package, and I don’t remember how that part of the conversation came about…probably something to do with the environment talk…but…there you go. On to more water creatures, Tully shows Ellis a video that he was turned on to by Justin and Maya (the people who donated oodles of money to hungry kids for the chance to hang out with Ellis) that showed killer whales chasing a boat which sounds like it could be a plot to a B-Horror Movie , but it was just a video and no one died, which is very unlike a horror movie. All’s well that ends well.
Ellis then gets talking about how he was listening to Faction this morning and he heard Rick Thorne spew a quick promo for The Jason Ellis Show, to which Ellis took extreme exception to. Why? Because he is being promoted as a pro-fighter/skateboarder and that’s not how he wants to be portrayed. Like. At. All. Why? Because he had one pro fight and he’s been retired from skateboarding, like, forever, and why can’t he just be called a radio host? Will comes in to explain that the couple of words are supposed to pique people’s interest who haven’t heard of the show anymore…and he and Ellis go back and forth with Ellis saying he would rather not promote the show at all (which is probably not his best idea ever) but if he had to, he wanted to be able to approve the way that it’s promoted (which is a much better idea and completely reasonable). Bitpimps was blasting my twitter feed with all of his hilarious succinct TJES descriptions and callers tried calling the show to put their two cents in…but the winners of the non-game were Tully with Extreme Punchmaster Jason Ellis, Jason Cupcake Ellis, and The Radio Boomerangatan Jason Ellis, and @sharkchucker with Sexual Degenerate Jason Ellis. Lmao. Way to go Sharkchucker. I personally agreed with @serutti who described it as ‘the best show that you aren’t listening to’ and was all ‘squeeeeeee’ that they got some TJES time, because I’m a geek like that and I go ‘Hey, I know them!’ They watched a couple of more videos including one where a guy and girl where high on Salvia, which is some sort of drug, and the bitch sounded completely from another planet because of it and did the ‘chick thing’ (according to Tully) where she got so high that she needed a hug. Yeah. I do that when I get too drunk. I need hugs. I get it. It’s annoying. They take a break here and I’m not making it a separate paragraph because back from the break they watch a video of an interview done in 1994 with Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley where Paul Stanley won the respect of Tully by calling out Gene Simmons on his bullshit and which, if you didn’t listen to the show, you should go and check out, because it was pretty epic.
Guest! Guest in the studio! And oh boy what a guest because it was CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI and if that isn’t really his middle name he should have it changed!! Yes, that’s right, Christopher Meloni of Law and Order SVU Detective Elliot Stabler fame and new show Surviving Jack which airs Thursdays on Fox at 9:30pm fame was on The Jason Ellis Show…and I am such a nerd that I am going to say that that’s because THE JASON ELLIS SHOW IS THE BEST GODDAMN SHOW OF ALL TIME FUCK EVERYONE ELSE HOLY CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI!!!!!!!! Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Oh my God, oh my God…this was the most exciting thing to me everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (yes, of course talking to Ellis and Tully killed it and so did hanging with Jude…but CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI, guys) and I was so happy and I loved the interview because he has such a sexy man voice (can you tell I love a guy with a great voice ::cough cough:: Jude ::cough cough::) and I did manage to pay attention and be squeaky happy and laugh out loud probably way more than was necessary. I’m not going to say it was the best interview to ever happen on the show because I’m not that insane or blinded by my love of older men…but it was a solid interview. Ellis got to talk to Meloni about loving Detective Stabler, how Ellis was in a movie and sucked at acting, and Meloni got to plug his new sticom, Surviving Jack. This could be the start of a beautiful relationship, even though Ellis thinks he pissed him off by being so gaga over Stabler even though Stabler hasn’t been on SVU in a while. But, seriously, let’s face facts, there’s no such thing as Law and Order SVU without Stabler…that show is, for all intents and purposes over. I encourage you to to listen to the interview on demand as my recap of the interview was basically me fangirling out of my face. Christopher Meloni wants to be on Children’s Hospital, is a dad, is fit, and is a hero to black people because he was Detective Stabler, and he is all for gay rights, called Johnny Depp ‘a cool cat’ (and I for real swooned because no young person calls anyone a cool cat), and…yeah. Yeah. No, I haven’t watched his new television show because I don’t watch tv anymore (except for The Walking Dead, The Following, and cartoons) but I may check it out on demand at some point because Meloni is a walking sexpot so far as I’m concerned. Yeah…like I said, check it out on demand because CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI.
After another break Katie is in the studio and she did the workout and the intro lines and she sounded sexy and wonderful and of course this is what Ellis should have done from the beginning. She went through the script twice and did a buttload of squats and…I wish I were cool enough to think that I could be in a position to want to be friends with her…but I’m not…so I prefer to just admire her from a distance and be like ‘i wish i were cool enough to want to be friends with her’. I love Katie. I love when she’s on the show, I love her instagram pics and her tweets…I’m a good stalker. The time that I commented on one of her pics and she commented back is a moment that I hold near and dear to my heart…it was like a year ago and I have yet to forget it. I don’t have a girl crush on her…but I really like her and think that she’s great. My crush is on @nikoort and I’m not afraid to say it. Boom. Anyway. After Katie does the workout and the intro they take a quick one song break to regroup and so she can catch her breath, and it’s time for the end of the show and some final calls. Ellis and Tully talk to a guy named Adam over skype who wants to be part of the biggest loser fight at EM10 and Ellis tells him that if he loses the most weight then he will find someone for him to fight. Also…anyone who’s trying for a biggest loser fight spot is the winner if they’re really going for it…because they are looking to better their lives and are gonna get more in shape and live longer…so woooooooooooo!!!! Final calls actually weren’t all that horrible and were interspersed with Ellis, Tully, Katie, Cumtard, and Wilson trying to come up with tortures for the Dice of Doom (basically the torture wheel on dice) and it all culminates with Cumtard getting karate kicked in the neck by Jason. Boom.
Things we learned on the show today (you missed this, admit it)
Tiggie saw Paranormal Activity 4 and has nightmares from it thanks to the bad thinking of Ellis’ ex brother in law :(
Will Sees Dead People
CumTard is back to pooping turds instead of rocket sharting diarrhea
Tully thinks Swamp Scottie is a character and not a real person
Group MMA Team Fighting is a really bad idea
CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI
Christopher Meloni doesn’t scare black people at intersections…black people lurve him
Part of being in love is being afraid of losing the other person
Lemmy from Motorhead is a toadface and super unattractive sexually…but still fucks a lot of bitches
Tyler Posey ate at Chik-Fil-A, Ellis called him, TyPo took the pic off Instagram, and it was all no big deal and now TyPo knows not to eat there
Arnold Schwarzeneggar’s new movie bombed…but it will surely be a cult classic
“You know I’m not lying when I say Motherfucker” – Jason Ellis