Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 10/7/2104

Alright boys and girls…I had all the best intentions of writing a full and good recap for you today because Tuesday is my new day off and that means that I should have oodles and oodles of time to listen to the show and be all writerly and creative, but it seems like the cast and crew of No You Are are having a run of bad luck between Bit’s water heater exploding, Shit’s being unable to get into Canada, and AZ’s monday going to shit, my day off turning into a non day off with a dessert of my laptop seemingly taking it’s final shit…I will be doing a super dialed in version of a recap that I will hopefully be able to edit on  Thursday in the AM before I go to work:

Ellis is old and his face is falling off

Big hairy men have the advantage in MMA because they’re more grippy and less slippy.

Jude is back from NY and may be pairing up with The Dingo for a one hour Thursday show.

Jude does Hyena readings and signings because he can read, Ellis doesn’t have to do the readings because he can’t read.

Black guys are the best boxers of all time.

ellis is getting his ass tattooed with a big Viking ship because he thinks that he is a Viking and wants to get his ass signatures covered up. Ass tattoos are supposed to hurt the worst of all the tattoos.

Sam and Anahita from Drew on Call on HLN are on the show today and they can not play jeopardy for shit. They also think that men want to be changed by women and yay for wolfscrub.

Ellismania 9.5 and Tour de Horse is getting closer and closer so get excited for some people to be bungeed together and fighting each other on stage and Horse Force motherfucker.

Ellis is having himself a birthday party at the Roosevelt tonight with a bunch of girls that are at his house.

Tully did new music Tuesday but called it something else and did it better than RD because he’s Tull and knows how to pitch even the shit to Ellis in a good way.

ellis reads a Pete the Cat book about magic sunglasses that are an obvious metaphor for drugs.

Final calls..yes Jetta is gone for good, things are cool between Christian and Ellis, and Cumtard still works for the show but they aren’t really talking right now.

 

 

Like I said…I’ll be able to update this half abortion of a recap Thursday morning so don’t hate me, just stay tuned!!!!!!

 

TJES Provides CIA With Interrogation Audio

I remember this all too well. It was near the end of the show, at the very end of one of Rawdog’s infamous New Music Tuesday segments. This portion of the segment was only 3 minutes, 24 seconds long, but it felt like an eternity. I literally thought I was going insane, the music, the sounds, my brain starting to break.

I think this audio should be used as an interrogation technique, it’ll make a motherfucker crack. Real quick. Thanks to The Backbone (@Cullensaidthis), I get to torture any of you who feel brave enough to test it. I’m almost positive this audio has never been replayed. Ever. If it did get replayed, it couldn’t have been more than 1 time. Now test your resolve and give it a listen.


Download (link to MP3)

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 3/4/14

Let it be known that if you’re in the bay area and have posted an ad on Craigslist for any sort of help needed that involves a pickup truck, I have probably responded to it. And let it also be known that Craigslist has some really miscategorized shit in its “miscellaneous manual labor” section. For shame, foot sniffing guy. A hundred bucks is a hundred bucks, but letting someone massage and inhale the death stench of my working feet is not manual labor. That belongs in the “missed connections” section. Speaking of inappropriate shit posted on the internet, IT’S RECAP TIME!!! Today’s show kicked off with the guys admitting that sometimes it’s just pointless to try and plan and winging it is perfectly acceptable when all else fails. Tully got to sleep correctly last night and watch garbage truck videos on YouTube with the McGook baby this morning. He’s coming to the realization that little kids just like watching big machines move. It got weird to him because eventually Linsanity just started watching videos of other kids playing with their toys and that made Tully say “HEY YOU LITTLE SHIT!!! YOU’VE GOT TOYS OF YOUR OWN AND I’VE GOT WORK TO DO!!! HOW’S ABOOT YOU GO MAKE USE OF WHAT YOU HAVE INSTEAD OF LIVING VICARIOUSLY THROUGH ALL THE OTHER KIDS?!?!?!?!!?!?!” OK, maybe it didn’t go exactly like that, but he would’ve liked to see his kid be more of a doer and less of a watcher. Let it be known that if I’m gonna try and be Canadian, I will keep saying aboot until they let me join their courteous ranks. Tully won’t let him watch Power Rangers though, cause he doesn’t wanna bastardize his mom’s side of the family heritage by exposing him to Americanized versions of Japanese comics. Pendarvis stepped in to give his absentee father opinion that maybe Tully needs to get a second screen for the kid to watch so he can be silent and occupied, as any good southern father would suggest. But it’s not as much of a negligent parent thing to do as filming your kids playing with toys for the entertainment of others on YouTube. Still though, it’s better than feeding your kids fifty million advertisements for overpriced bits of plastic and sugary breakfast treats that are delicious any and every time of day. Tully has drawn the line at Barney though, and I have to back him. Fuck that fat purple alcoholic and his obvious yet unspoken statutory relationship with that sveldt young green dinosaur. Jason talked for a while about how it’s awesome that he knows Tony Hawk, and that Tony is well connected enough that he had Yo-Gabba-Gabba live at his kid’s birthday party. Doc Brown (Christopher Lloyd) did a gag video for Yo-Gabba-Gabba with Tony for an almost real live hoverboard, and they trolled the entire internet with it cause Michael J. Fox sure as hell can’t be trusted not to injure himself doing something like that. Too bad it’s not real though, retired skaters with arthritic knees could probably make their mega ramp comeback with a device like that, since there’s no impact on the legs during landing due to the fact that the device is floating on air. The guys talked for a while about how technology is growing faster than ever, but in all the wrong directions, like fuel efficient cars instead of virtual fuck machines. There might be some kinda sweet medical advances sometime in the next few years though, just as long as big pharma doesn’t get their wallets wrapped around it. Still though, would’ve been nice if Einstein had gotten the flying skateboard to happen instead of that stupid atom bomb. I mean, what the fuck did that ever accomplish, really? Ellis was on Dr. Drew On Call again and it seems like some of the other guests are getting a little sick of him cause most TV talking heads are generally horrible people and don’t like anyone with opinions, conflicting or not, that prevent them from speaking their own, at length, whether you ask them to or not. Namely, somebody got uppity at Jason cause he made a joke about the Oscar Pistorious trial. Of course, nobody remembers the four minute speech about defying your haters that Katt Williams used in a comedy special in which he specifically cited Oscar Pistorious (AKA Tink Tink), cause that shit was inspirational as all fuck and showed how corrupt the Olympics really is, but who would have known he’d get arrested for shooting his girlfriend through a door after having Olympic Gold revoked due to the fact that not having legs is an unfair advantage in track and field? What it all boils down to is people are too quick to judge these days, and if you can’t learn to accept some shit once in a while, just don’t leave the fucking house anymore. Some dude called in to talk about anti-gravity technology, but that shit was already proven impossible on Mythbusters, plus dude couldn’t respond when spoken to, so the call was ended. There were some more phone calls about how to troll the Dr. Drew On Call audience and guests, like slapping the shit out of some bongos after every question, or wearing one of those two can helmets and having Sprite on one side and cough syrup on the other, gettin’ sizzurped out live on TV like an absolute retard savant. The guys kicked around more ideas for rocking out on the air when they just don’t have anything planned and need to fill time, Jason was thinking of bringing an amp in the studio for Tully to wail on, and Tully thought a drum kit would be a good idea, which Ellis countered by suggesting Steve Vai as a co-host, and that’s a hard one to argue. Ellis was on Kevin and the Bean today and although he happily guested, they can still both go suck a massive barbed phallus. They were talking some kind of shit about the radio industry and how the Clear Channel advertising propaganda machine is a far superior organization to be a part of than crummy old SiriusXM. Clear Channel, the same company that bought my favorite childhood radio station, along with several others I might almost tolerate, and turned them into more top 40 crap and forced my hand to buy a Sirius radio all of 7 years ago. Yep, Clear Channel, the guys who own pretty much every billboard in America and deny anyone from renting them based solely on the content if it offends any of their shareholders. That Clear Channel. Kudos, K&B, all you’re doing is making me right. Thank you. The guys discussed for a while how scary/utopian it would be to have a dog with monkey intelligence. It could make you a sandwich and actually add something to the conversation but it could also be licking its balls during the whole thing, cause you just can’t fight the urges of your species. While we all stew on that, lets crank some Barracuda and reminisce about the good old days when rearranging the genome for our own convenience and entertainment wasn’t even a discussion topic.

 

In case you haven’t heard, Jason is gonna be having a book signing/trampoline session with the fans over in Rancho Cucomonga this Saturday. If you’re nearby and want some sharpie scribbles on some stuff, get a dog up ya. And if I haven’t destroyed all your faith in the American Government yet, Obama is planning to build a shittier version of Iron Man, not starring Robert Downey Jr. It doesn’t fly, it doesn’t shoot missiles, it’s never gonna be on tabloid covers for drug related arrests, it’s basically a steel coffin mounted on a Rascal Scooter. Katie stopped by the studio to weigh in on this and other things, and after plowing this suit through a wall (or at least attempting to) maybe she can maim a gerbil with it or something so that she can have one of her friends taxidermy it for some coffee table art. This Iron Man knock off is about as legitimate as those Skechers that plump up your ass, basically another marketing ploy to keep people assuming they have problems that a corporate entity can solve for the low low price of nobody else is doing it so you’ll pay whatever the fuck we tell you. The guys took some phone calls about this ridiculous idea that the military is undertaking for absolutely no benefit to anyone or anything, and basically unless you’re a billionaire playboy, you should keep the mechanical suit ideas to your fucking self. And for no clear reason at all, the guys and gal took a long roundabout way to tell us all that boat people are fucking shady, which makes pretty reasonable sense, cause nobody has ever done any pirating on land or in the air. Zeppelin pirates would be fucking awesome though, basically the only people they could stop midair to be pirated would be advertising blimps and they would take those fuckers for everything they could, which would be maybe $50 in scrap metal and the slowest aerial dogfights in history. There was some chatting about Naomi Campbell for no clear reason, but the guys might bring back a revamped version of the Steven Seagal game with Ms Campbell as the subject, and that could be pretty funny. There were some more phone calls about things and stuff, and people really need to learn how to respond when spoken to, especially when they’re the ones making phone calls. So the real reason Katie stopped by today was to do her very own version of New Music Tuesday, but not necessarily brand new, just new to most of us. Since Katie is a Black Metal psychopath, most of her selections came from the deepest circles of hell and brought back with them a thousand years of suffering not to be halted by your pathetic Judeo-Christian false idols. First track we heard was Devil’s Night by a band called God Module (possibly featuring HateBean and Michael Tully, we can’t really be sure but it does sound like it) and it was a little more dance-ey than murder-ey, but definitely the kind of thing one might see in the next Underworld sequel, complete with the same vocal effect that pretty much every industrial band that has ever existed uses. After that was a song by HTRK (pronounced Hate Rock) and it was still electronic stuff, but more slow paced, like if you were gonna commit passionate murder against a junkie hooker after a long round of opiate fueled hate fucking. Next up was The Chameleons UK and if you like Bauhaus and the slow stuff from Joy Division or The Cure, you might like this one. It was kinda catchy, but not enough for me to think of anything particularly funny to say about it. As Katie put it, “It’s good music for driving through fog.” After that was a band called //Tense// and it was another great song for some almost-snuff-porn-that-may-or-may-not-include-lots-and-lots-of-heroin. Maybe it’s just me, but Katie seems to like a lot of music from the 80’s that seems like it would go well wit heroin, just an opinion from watching lots of weird dark movies I suppose. Next band was Salem playing a song that falls in the genre “witch-house” and as much as I hate most electronic music, I could totally see this being used on a pretty well made indie horror flick, possibly something produced by Rob Zombie. It fit perfectly as a backdrop to that fucked up porn clip from the sex, sports or animal game from last week. You remember, the lady with the massively blasted out asshole who was cumsharting all over the dude’s dick? Yeah, that one. After that we heard from a band called Primal Scream, which started out as an alternative band and then went more psychedelic thing later. There’s a couple of songs from them that I’ve enjoyed, this wasn’t one of them. Would make a good soundtrack to the opening scene in an Episode of CSI where a junkie hooker gets murdered though. Next was Nightmare Fortress with more ass pounding music that could be accented well with some heroin. HEROIN AND AGGRESSIVE BUTT FUCKING, I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT THAT’S ALL ANY OF THIS CAN MAKE ME THINK OF PEOPLE!!! Next one down the line was O (not just O, but oOoOO) which was more witch-house and would fit perfectly in the credit reel of a movie that included lots of heroin and butt fucking. AGGRESSIVE butt fucking. The guys took some phone calls and everybody was complaining like they were getting fucked in the ass with no heroin to soften the blow, but then trying to make comparisons like how screamo music and the band HIM is darker than what Katie is playing, and as a person with very mixed tastes, if it makes me want to do some smack-powered-anal-rampaging, it’s dark fucking music. HIM sucks on a level that is leaps and bounds beyond normal sucking, and screamo is an insult to the punk rock I’ve come to hold so dear. It eventually came back around to the statement I made earlier that if you don’t like it, stay in your room and disinvolve yourself with the entire outside world, the rest of us will appreciate you for it. A couple people called in to reinforce the opinion that people need to broaden their fucking horizons, and pretty much all of them said they could enjoy this stuff if they were fucking while it was playing (Butt fucking. Heroin. You knew I was gonna say it, and I guarantee I wasn’t the only person thinking it). Next was a band called the Murder City Devils, which was completely different from everything else that’s been played so far, more along the lines of psychobilly but a little closer to just some good fun rock music. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I could see myself having vaginal sex without the assistance of heroin with this playing in the background. Finally we heard Light Asylum as and after a long slow new wave build there was a black lady who sang like a shitload of white male 80’s pop stars, but it kind of worked for this particular song, so I’ll give it a pass. Katie desperately needed to piss, so the guys cut off the segment right there and that’s fine with me and a lot of other people, I’m sure.

 

In case you hadn’t hear, Blake Shelton from Workaholics just turned 30, and in the same day his wife popped out a brand new baby! Good on ya, Blake, keep it classy with the naked selfies next to your wife and kid, nobody’s ever gonna blackmail anybody with that! Some guy in Florida (America’s herpes outbreak, as I’m wont to call it) got fired from his job at a high school for being too old and after he won the lawsuit against the school his cunt of a daughter went and fucked it all up by tweeting that “mommy and daddy are gonna be paying for a vacation in Europe” and because he had to sign a confidentiality clause, that was pretty much null and void after his fucktarded spawn spilled the beans and he had to give the money back. Too bad, I’d have been happy to hear about her losing her passport and having to resort to some heroin fueled butt fucking at an Amsterdam brothel just to get her papers in order to come back stateside. But fuck all of that, cause Joanna Angel is in the studio today to hang with the guys and play a game with Cumtard. This game marks the triumphant return of The Smartest Box In The World, which if you don’t remember, is Kevin Kraft’s balls stuffed through a hole in the top of a shoebox lid that has a lady drawn around the balls, with the balls being placed right where the lady’s titties would be. This game requires that Joanna place things on Kevin’s balls and he has to guess what they are based on shape, weight, general level of shame from having his balls hanging out in a room full of people, and so on. Before all that though, the guys had to rap for a while about how people are a bunch of bitches and always gotta stir the pot and try to start some shit with everybody, I blame reality TV and Facebook for turning everybody into a whiny fucking 14 girl on her period. Once more, stay inside, tin foil on your windows, pull the covers over your head and keep your bullshit to yourself. Joanna was really surprised that Jetta showed up to work in a dress and a wig today, but considering her line of work, it’s probably not the most disturbing thing to see in an average day. After Cumtard’s balls got done prarie dogging in and out of the Smartest Box In The World, the game got underway. If there was any way I could relay the sheer awesomeness of the many items and sounds and hilarity that ensued, I would do so, but unfortunately there are not words that can accurately recreate this scene, but god damn I was laughing like a fucking moron during this whole escapade. If you go check the on demand while you still can, it starts right about the 2 hour 35 minute mark, I highly recommend it. But I can tell you this much, Tully drew nipples on the balls, Jetta was standing by for cleanup duties and fully committed to the job, Joanna titty fucked Kevin’s nut sack, Kevin made hilarious noises like someone was gonna chop his dick off, There were spiders crawling on Cumtard’s balls and he lost his god damn mind as soon as they made contact except that it wasn’t spiders it was actually some crazy biting worms, everybody lost their shit when Kevin had to leave the studio to clean up and yanked the Smartest Box In The World off his balls then had to walk to the bathroom past the law offices on the same floor as the studio, Jetta kept cleaning the balls (cocktail dress and wig and all), Kevin kept screaming like a small child being thrown over a cliff, Joanna put Ben-Gay on the balls and shit was not the slightest bit alright with that, then Joanna smacked him in the balls with a dildo and that just brought back the pain from the Ben-Gay, Katie put cockroaches on Kevin’s balls and Jetta fondled the hell out of them afterwards, Joanna slingshotted the balls with a rubber band several times, and we all learned that pop rocks can be activated when sprinkled on a man’s balls. It was this point in the show when the guys turned to the phones to finish everything out and recover form the hilarity that is Kevin Kraft recovering from a squirt of Ben-Gay to the nuts. Joanna noticed that Jetta’s dress still had the tag on it from Dress barn, and Jetta reported to everyone that he fully intends to return the dress cause all the odd looks he got on the walk in to the studio are too much for him, not like he had Ben-Gay and worms dumped all over his balls or anything, he just had to towel off some testicles in drag. There were some calls and stuff and they were all a lot of the same stuff, but not in the shitty way just the folks saying thanks and fist-bumping through the phone lines. Some folks asked for advice or shared stories about banging strippers or just give comments on how fun the show was today. Some guy called in with some Dogg The Bounty Hunter news, apparently he was at a wedding and started talking some mad shit to his wife out in the parking lot and she smashed a bottle on him and got arrested. Stay classy, America, remember when that guy was an icon? Before his kid revealed to the world that Dogg didn’t want him marrying a black girl cause they all couldn’t chill out with the N-word? Yeah, that guy. Nice job America. Don’t ever stop reminding yourself that you let that happen. Shout out. Heroin and butt fucking. While we’re at it, GET IT RIGHT WITH THE WHOLE DON’T DIE THING! IT’S NOT LIKE ELLIS HAS BEEN DOING IT FOR ALMOST FOUR YEARS OR ANYTHING!!!

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 8/27/2013

you-are-what-you-eat

Tim has real life problems.

It’s Tuesday with Tim! Today is also New Tim Tuesday, but we’ll get to that later, I’m sure of it. It’s a beautiful day today Tims! Ellis’ heart jumped out of his butt twice yesterday, but he just wants to see his kids grow up. He also doesn’t eat cheese that much. Ellis also thinks he’ll never stop going to therapy, because he has to keep opening doors like Early Grayce in Kalifornia. And it’s psychosomatic because you can tell yourself you’re gonna fucking turd your pants and viola, you fucking turd your pants. You can give yourself panic attacks or you can make yourself sick, or you can make yourself better, it’s all in attitude. And an attitude of gratitude is not just a platitude. Ellis got hooked up at the A7X concert last night, he saw Tim Cobb and his new girlfriend and then seen the Tim brothers, and a bunch of other famous Tims. One thing that Ellis and Tully share? They both have had a song with guy, just them, another man, and a song. Tully got a little choked up after his wife and son left him. To go to a funeral in Japan, I mean. She’s coming back though, so it’s all good. But as a father, Tim can totally understand. First you think, “kick ass, freedom!” and then you think “shit, whose gonna help me take care of this ankle biter?” Whose the best rap/rock band that isn’t Rage Against the Machine? Fuck if I know, I was asking you.

shit-shit-shit

This man found out what happens when you sit on Tim’s toilet.

Some dude intentionally ate a fucking toe, it’s called a “sourtoe” or some shit and it’s in a shot of whiskey. And that, boys and girls is where we get the phrase “toe up from the floor up.” Actually, that’s probably not true, come to think of it, I’m certain it’s not true. Everlast is in the studio and he has a new album out today and you don’t, but Tim does. For New Tim Tuesday, we first heard Everlast’s “Sad Girl”, named after a Mexican chick from the movie American Me. We got to hear about how Everlast can be angry person at times, but most of the time, he’s chill like Tim. Rawdog got railed on by the guys and callers to the show about how his Prius sucks and he’s not doing shit for the environment with it, and that he’s no where near as friendly to the environment than your average Canadian. And all I got to say about that is the average Canadian isn’t 1/10th of your average Tim, but they already know that because they buy Tim’s coffee as atonement.

smoking_child_male

When Tim smokes, cigarettes get cancer.

A new restaurant has opened up called Hospitalis, everything is served by nurses, food looks like tongues and shit, and you have the option to be tied up in a straight jacket fed by a nurse. I have no idea who this is supposed to appeal to, but hey, maybe that’s just me and Tims across the world. Appropriately enough, while we’re being told this story, Grant Cobb is finishing tattooing Ellis’ head. While the tattoo gun is buzzing along in the background, the guys started quizzing Ellis to see if he could answer anything while getting his head ink. More New Tim Tuesday, Avenged Sevenfold’s new album is out today as well, it’s called “Hail to the Tim” and we heard portions of 3 different tracks and then M. Shadows called in to ask why Ellis and his boys didn’t come and hang after the show last night. Goodie Mob and Bob Dylan had shit come out today as did Eminem, but it wasn’t anything to Tim about so fuck it. There were some more tools that had their shitty shit come out too, but I can’t remember who or what they were so you’re just going to have to let that portion of your life go for good. Tim say’s he’s sorry about that. Grant will be collaborating with Ellis on an EllisMania 9 t-shirt, so they kicked around some ideas, none of which included Tim. Now, a question for you. Did you ever blow bubbles as a kid? Good. Because he’s back in town and wants your number. TIM!

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/16/2013

twerkin_belly

If you can’t be fit, might as well twerk that belly, son!

Happy Tuesday readers, it’s me, bitPimps, filling in for the birthday boy, shit_toboggan. Have you wished him a happy birthday yet and told him how beautiful his cock is? Fantastic, let’s see what was in store for us today on the show! Did you know that most people have shit on their hands? It’s true. Ellis is running with world champion boxers, not underwear, but actual people. I mean, he probably still wears underwear too, but you get what I’m saying. He feels as tired as Lance Armstrong’s dead ball. Tully thought it was crazy to have a slice of cucumber in his water, turns out though that he now thinks it’s the shit. Big day at Tully’s childhood home in the past. His sister got a piece of brillo pad in her spaghetti, they told the manager and then BAM! Free dessert for the whole family! Who says getting terrible shit in your food has to be a bad thing, right? Tully once hooked up with an Irish chick he wanted his wet American dick because she knew she’d never make it to America. Freedom wad! Wads for peace! Red, white, and wad! They may take our wad, but they’ll never take our FREEDOM! Ok. Did I beat that into the ground yet?

best_album_cover

You may have a nice album cover, but you’re no Jack The Cunt.

Jude stopped on the show today, he’s feeling all inspired now that Ellis is training, Tully is starting his road to fitness, and Rawdog has been doing his workouts. Now Jude’s starting to ramp up his exercise routines and says he started porking out a bit while he was in New York. Jude was banging this chick the other day (he didn’t gas out), his buddy comes over to pick up some pills, so he talked the chick into a threesome with his buddy. He fronted pills to his pal and got him a blowjob from the chick, and then when his friend goes to leave, he says, “you got a bit of belly there!” I assume that dude knows that non-sharing mushroom chick that Rawdog knows. Jude thinks poor people have AIDs, and that’s why you shouldn’t fuck poor people. Maybe that’s why Jude got kicked off the Instagrams for the third time. RIP JuderMcDuder. Now that Jude dresses like the oppressor, nobody in Detroit will talk to him anymore, including his friends. First time in the history of the universe we got to hear a new song from Death! Death! Die! (featuring Dingo & Rude Jude), called Jack The Cunt.

2013_07_t-shirt_ellis_intolerant

Got my t-shirt mentioned, not used, but a mention is good enough.

A post office in Alabama was evacuated last week after a package started leaking liquid, and some Bamites (?) were rushed to the hospital only to find out the leaking liquid was KY lube. Mayhem was in the news recently, while wielding a knife, he said a comeback to the cage is possible after he has 2 knee surgeries. Speaking of comebacks, Tito Ortiz had posted a now removed post & picture of him on the steps of the Bellator offices and said something inferring he might be fighting for them, but then says “time to look elsewhere”, so who knows. And speaking of t-shirt companies, Ellis is trying to come up with t-shirt ideas. Fans of the show can draw up their own designs and if chosen, Ellis will collaborate on it with you and give you some free shit for your troubles! Send your submissions to tshirt@ellismania.com between now and August 15th. Rumor is spreading that Michael Bisping got knocked out while training at Wild Card for being a dick, but that’s just a rumor as of right now. A woman in Tennessee went to see a doctor, and instead of needing a backiotomy, the doctor diagnosed her with “Ghetto Booty.” He gave her some pain pills and then presumably told her shake it like a saltshaker because she got all like “word?” and he was all like “what?” The Onion put out a story that George Zimmerman won the lottery and shitload of people fell for it, not knowing The Onion is a satire news site. A guy in Seattle crashed and 8-year-olds birthday party, stole 2 slices of pizza and some balloon animals like a god damned legend! Apparently there is a Swollen Members song called Kyla and at the very end of the song, you can hear Ellis and others screaming Red Dragons.

So you say you want more news?

It’s Tuesday July 16, 1968 and it’s New Music Tuesday time. And that’s all I can really tell you about it, otherwise it might rip a hole in the space-time continuum and then we’re all fucked. In reality, I can’t tell you because my kid had her iPod stolen so I had to deal with that shit while they were going through NMT. Awesome. Good times, good times. Hollywood news time. And that’s all I can really tell you about that as well, otherwise I’d have to give two shits, and I don’t. And with that, I’ll leave you with this. What did the Mexican get for Christmas? My daughter’s fucking iPod! OH? Nah, that’s not that funny, I’m just mad. Let me try again. An African American boy and his dad are taking a walk on the beach. Suddenly, the boy notices a Caucasian boy and his dad, and the white boy holding his dad’s penis. The African American boy sees this and wants to do the same. So he proceeds to ask his dad, “Daddy, can I hold your penis while we’re walking?” His dad says, “No, you cannot.” “But, please! Let me hold it.” said the boy. The dad replies, “No, I wont let you do that” The boy demands, “I WANT TO HOLD IT, COME ON!” So the dad finally replies, “Okay, okay! But stay where I can see you!” OH!