Show Re-Cap for Monday 1/27/2014

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What I’m about to do to your mind, and then your mom.

It’s today again, you know the day, Monday. And you might think you know what’s coming, and there’s a good chance you’re right. But what if you’re wrong? Just what if? Huh? Well now is the time to test yourself, let’s see how right or wrong you were. One day Ellis had some heart fluttering shit going on, it was hard to breathe and he was freaking, but that day changed his life. Did you know that? Liar. Dingo’s in-studio today. Did you know that? Liar. A little bit of snot is no big deal, which is good, because Ellis still has a little bit of snot leftover from his mega-cold. Even though it’s embarrassing to admit, Ellis has been thinking about famous people lately, and he’s been getting caught up in it. Meanwhile, Tully has never stopped thinking about famous people. Jenna Jameson was going off on Twitter, posting a bunch of pictures of Tito’s roid fridge. I don’t know why I posted that. Do you? Liar. See, I’m starting to think you don’t EVEN know! Ellis & Dingo almost 2-door Porsche’d it right into a shit-green something or another, but they didn’t.

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Whatever it is, can we put wheels on it and ramp it?

Ellis went to Nitro Circus over the weekend and got an email from Trip Taylor. Then he saw some PJ Clapp dude making jokes about “chuck it me dumpa” in the same email. Ellis didn’t know who this dude was so he responded back with, “Really?”, to which PJ Clapp responded with, “Sorry, I didn’t mean for that to go to you” – which PJ Clapp most certainly did mean it to go to Ellis. Then Cumtard came in to remind Ellis of Johnny Knoxville’s real name… Philip John Clapp (aka PJ Clapp) WHOOPSY! Ellis finally got the joke and now he feels like an asshole. Good times, good times. Anyway, did you know Nitro Circus has rollerbladers in their show? Oh, you did? That figures. OH! Well they also have bathtubs. Pretty much anything they can think of to jump off a ramp, they’ve probably got it. Ellis started reading a bit from his new book and he cringed a bit at what he was reading. He’s brutally honest in this book as he always is, but he feels like he’s changed so much since a year ago when Tully started writing this new book. He felt like he sounded a bit pathetic, like he was dying for people to pay attention to him and accept him, and his priorities have changed since then. It’s no longer about just as much money and having sex with as many women as possible. He’s more concerned about what he does and says and how it affects his kids, himself, and the people around him. Ellis noticed how different he feels lately while he was at Dingo’s birthday party, full of quasi famous people who are materialistic, insecure, and busy blowing smoke up each others asses to help make themselves feel like their more famous and important than they really are. Since he started to act like that at one, point he now see’s how unhappy some of the people are because they spend their time worrying so much about shit that should take a back seat to more important things in life that help make a truly happy life. God damn, we got a little deep there, right?

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Uh oh. I got a feeling they’re gonna talk about The Grammys.

Hey, did you know you can get your copy of Awesome Guide To Life signed by Ellis by going to awesomeguidetolife.com? Okay, I believe you. Next up, we have the world’s hottest MMA correspondent, Kenda Perez and her super hot dog Dexter, with MMA News so everyone button up you pants – that includes you too Dingo. Tully didn’t get to catch all of it, but from what he gathers, he didn’t miss much. Ooooohhhh! BURN! Turns out Benson Henderson beat Josh Thomson, Thomson said he broke his hand during the fight, we all heard it. The post fight, Benson threw up the Diamond Cutter sign and looked like a doof because that sign has nothing to do with God. He didn’t help his case any when during the fight, he had to tuck his jerry curl behind his ears, to which everyone watching had a nice collective chuckle over. Gabriel Gonzaga also broke his hand and lost his fight against Stipe Miocic, he also needs to shave his back and train in a real gym instead of on the jungle gym. Donald Cerrone won in spectacular fashion with a nice kick to de head of Adriano Martins, it was awesome and so is Cowboy. Alex Caceres won his fight against Sergio Pettis, which was a pretty entertaining fight and Sergio, even with his loss, looked really good for his age and experience. I’m sure one day he’ll grown into a real manimal and be a force to be reckoned with as he continues to improve. Also, Alex’s afro and dance moves before the fight were pretty entertaining. But do you know what wasn’t entertaining? The Grammys. I didn’t even watch it, but I feel confident in saying that it was not entertaining. Therefore, I shall not discuss it and it can go straight to Hades. Thank you.

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Whose Tully talking about? Is it me? You? No. It’s… her.

Tully had a dream about a fan. A female fan *cough* @emilyInSD. FUCK! I mean… that he made cry because he was trying to tell her that he was flattered, but married. Instead, it came out more like if he weren’t married, they totally be doing it. So I’ve got some more good news and bad news. Tomorrow on the show, Sam Rubin. I know. BUT… also on the show tomorrow, Thomas Haden Church! Tiger Ellis is doing ollies on his skateboard now, and he’ll kick the shit outta some 2-year-old prodigy, so fuck that other kid. Not literally, come on man! Actually, this 2-year-old is a fucking champ! Continuing with Aussie News, scientists have discovered a newfound sex organ in koalas’ throats. Dingo was at the winter X-Games, so was The Backbone – Dingo totally fucked him over too (not really), but guess who wasn’t there, Shaun White. He’s all about the Olympics right now, and playing guitar in that terrible band, and wearing super tight jeans, and whatever else soulless redheads do. Let’s see, Moto News, and this time there’s no Tickle Time. I know, it breaks your little heart. It did mine too. Ryan Dungey looked solid all day, man. That’s about all I know because work loves to cut into my fucking off time. New intern on TJES today, his name for now is Andrew (Instagram). He’s never heard the show, he’s from Cincinnati, Ohio, he has a girlfriend, and a horn growing out of dick. In case you’re wondering, one of those things is a lie. You make the call. He’s in a hardcore band, he’s straight edge, and enjoys a nice root beer on his birthday. Oh, one more thing… he has a trust fund.

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What you look like while I celebrate all the new kick ass shit I just got from TJES.

India says dolphins are not people or something. Breaking News, ladies and gentlemen, its with partial joy and partial sadness that I hereby announce that after years of captivity, I have officially escaped from the prize chamber. I may be suffering from Stockholm syndrome, but trust me, if you ever have a chance to get in the prize chamber – you’re going to love it! Cumtard got in trouble for something, but I can’t remember because all I can think about is all the new kick ass shit I just got from TJES. They punished him somehow, but I can’t remember because all I can think about is all the new kick ass shit I just got from TJES. I don’t even know what all else happened because, yup, all I can think about is all the new kick ass shit I just got from TJES. If any of you would like to know more about all the new kick ass shit I just got from TJES, just let me know, I’d be happy to describe how fucking cool it is to you. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 1/6/2014

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We’re back up in the heezy.

Welcome back, our only friend! First recap of 2014 is about to be all up inside of you. All. Up. Inside. Up in ‘dem guts, naw I’m sayin’? So here we are, inside the hole radio. Ellis’ eyes have been opened, he now knows Canada is all Asian, even the white people. Ellis also went to see some moto this past Saturday, he didn’t like the common people seats (nose bleed seats), but he hung in there. Dingo pretended to see some moto this past Saturday, from his sofa – but that don’t stop the Dingo from bringing in some moto gossip. Apparently Twitch had a video on his Instagram of Alessi crying, but now that’s been reported and removed for some reason. Ellis missed that, the GOAT doing hot laps, fireworks, etc. while he was meeting Grant Cobb in the parking lot to get him in to the common people seats. Speaking of Grant, Ellis finally finished up his head tattoo last night. And speaking of Ellis, he will be on Dr. Drew’s TV show tonight. Speaking of Dr. Drew, it’s tickle time because Broc Tickle got 8th or some shit. Lumpy Ellis has officially moved on to greener pastures, he was removed from his host face two weeks ago before the trip to Canada – hence no third seat needed on the plane. Speaking of money, Dingo feels like this is his year, he’s gonna be rolling in the dough and hanging out with more famous people. Speaking of dough, Wilson is thinking about starting to self-medicate for diabetes. Speaking of diabetes, you can join the Faction Board of Directors to help change what music is played on the channel.

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CPR used to begin with smoochies, not handjobs!

Kenda Perez called into the show to talk about New Year’s and MMA. Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva failed his post fight drug test and got stripped of his $50k bonus, which I assume was going to be put to good use for a specially modified pillow for that massive Omnimax dome of his. Anderson “The Spider” Silva (The Spider and Bigfoot are not related) snapped his leg like it was a #2 pencil in the crack of a stripper’s ass. It looked like it didn’t tickle. Like, at all. Ronda “Rowdy” Rousey won her fight with Miesha “Cupcake” Tate and riled a bunch of people up after refusing to shake hands with her opponent. Tito “Ouch, My Neck” Ortiz crashed his Porsche today and was arrested on suspicion of DUI. Breaking MMA news, Dominick Cruz has pulled out of his fight with Renan Barao due to a groin injury and will give up his title – and now Urijah Faber will be fighting Barao. Guess where Dingo’s never been, Africa – but he’s been to Spain, and he still knows more about Africa than you. But that’s neither here nor there, we’re talking about South African CPR. Apparently they have some kind of indigenous fight club and when a dude got knocked out, they splashed water on his face – oh, and jerked him off. Know what else Dingo has seen? Shaun White’s erect pecker, because, you know, kids and stuff. He say’s Shaun’s packing a big ole ginger dick. So, perfect segue time, the Ellis kids got some crazy carts for Christmas and anytime Tiger gets passed by his sister, he gets possessed and drives straight into rage world. He started ramming the shit out of sissy, spinning out, and crashing into everything.

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NOBODY PASSES EL TIGRE!

Fuck snakes on a plane, and fuck dogs on a plane. And fuck dogs in restaurants. That’s Wilson and Tully’s position on the matter, unless of course you’re a god damned, bat shit crazy asshole – then you may be excused depending on how mentally disturbed you really are. Speaking of offensive, while flying back from their holidays, Tully’s son vurped (vomit burp) right into Tully’s crotch while on the plane. He tried to clean himself up as much as possible, but ended up having to sit in with his barf moistened balls, stinking like rotten milk barf. Then they land in Denver, the plane’s delayed, so he’s still just chilling with vomit balls, get’s on the next plane and has to sit next to a stranger. Talk about an awkward flight, how do you even begin to explain throw-up sack? Awful. Just awful. Hey, Piers Morgan accepted a challenge to receive 6 cricket pitches from Brett Lee and earned himself a cracked rib for his troubles. I don’t care about Piers, cricket, or some dude named Brett Lee – but I do support anyone beaning Piers by throwing balls at him.

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Canadian customs or football coach?

So on the way to Vancouver, Canadian Customs called Ellis off to the side and asked him if he was mad dogging one of the customs agents. Dingo thinks the head tattoo is to blame. For all the talk about how nice Canadians are, their customs agents really would make you think differently, I’m not sure I’ve ever run into one that wasn’t power tripping on something or another. While Tully was in Wisconsin, he ran into the ass patched jeans and gathered some evidence to help prove his point to Ellis that True Religion / Affliction style jeans are still alive and kicking. So while pushing a stroller through the mall with his is mother-in-law, he tried to snap a few pictures of Milwaukee locals’ asses without being busted by people or mall cops for it. Dedication and hard work, kids, that’s what gets the job done. There’s a dude with 2 cocks who did a Q & A on reddit.com. I’m not really sure what else to say about that other than, “huh.” Speaking of dicks, it took 15 cops to get some dude wigged out on meth to stop masturbating, remember the talk about dedication and hard work, kids? Speaking of tards, sounds like it is official, the newest member of TJES is Cumtard, as a producer. Welcome back you pube eating / smoking / bro-cone / baby bird / champion! And there you have it, the first TJES recap of 2014. I mean, a real recap, not a phoned in, 30 second, hodgepodge of words. OH!
(Disclaimer: That’s a joke. That’s what we do. Make jokes.)

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Just sayin’

Show Re-Cap for Monday 8/19/2013

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Rawdog being breast fed by his mother.

Welcome to the pleasure dome ladies & gentlemen. Put one hand on your genital area, tighten up that belt around your neck, and get ready to diddle yourself silly. According to Ellis, when you hit the age of 65, you no longer look human, you look like Yoda. That’s Ellis’ research, and Rawdog’s research? GILFs. Tully has an uncle who is like 80 now, and he told him every time he looks in the mirror, he’s surprised to see that he’s old. That could be the onset of senility, or it could be because he doesn’t feel like he’s 80. Ellis saw and used the sister version of the Swinghouse bathroom over the weekend, it was let’s say, well used. Rawdog went shopping over the weekend, which of course brought up the logical next step, he needs a new car. His laptop is still with the fuckin geek squad or some shit and he said it’s going to cost a lot of money. This is about when, collectively, the jaws of all listener’s across the globe hit floor – after he said he thought he’d probably lease a vehicle because he couldn’t afford to buy a vehicle. Tully clarified it that he can have a car payment, buying a car doesn’t mean you have to pay for it all once. Rawdog also doesn’t have a credit card because he doesn’t want to have to pay fees to build “credit” (and yes, he put air quotes around credit). So let’s re-cap the past two revelations real quick. 1.) He didn’t know that you can buy a car, not pay the full amount, but have car payments. And, 2.) he’s never owned a credit card and has no idea how one builds up their credit rating.

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Nobody can contain themselves when listening to TJES.

So UFC Fight Night 26 was on Saturday. Sonnen guillotine choked Shogun until he tapped, and then Sonnen made the stupidest after fight speech I’ve ever heard in the UFC or I imagine that would ever be uttered in the WWE. He also called out another older, ready to retire fighter, Wanderlei Silva. And look, we all know what Sonnen is doing, he hypes up himself and his fights, but that was so ridiculous, I think it cheapened the UFC image and sounded worse than the bullshit wrestler’s in the WWE spew. Travis Browne knocked out Alistair Overeem (Ovaries as Ellis says) and put that roid raged dude with a front kick and hammerfists. Matt Brown pretty much knocked out Mike Pyle in 29 seconds, even though Pyle pretended he was totally all there after his fucking head bounced off the canvas several times. John Howard won in a hug-filled split decision over Uriah Hall, and Urijah Faber’s cornrows won a decision over Iuri Alcantara. And thanks to Sonnen’s stupid ass post-fight speech, I can fake segway right into Tito Ortiz fake hitting Rampage Jackson with a fake hammer during a fake wrestling match.

this-wine-is-shit

How right you are, sir.

Korean shit wine is a thing, it’s called Ttongsul and is rice wine mixed with the fermented turd of a human child. It’s alcohol content is around 9%, it’s poop content is around 91%, and it’s supposedly medicinal in some crappy way, but the rest of the world is calling bullshit. Ellis heard some religious radio show that was talking about a guy that’s now a girl and wants to play basketball against chicks. Basically, it sounds like almost any women’s event in the Olympics where communist countries participate. This brought us into some Jesus talk, with Julio, Enrique, and Rosalita. Tully had a dream, and needed some dream interpretation from Ellis – which just so happens to be Ellis’ forte! His dream was that he was watching Sylvester Stallone in a big fight scene against brown people. He was on top of their car trying to hold on and shoot the bad guys, like a James Bond. Next he was helping chase a Max Headrom type character through a train station, while his wife is off shopping or some shit. Finally, he was playing women’s softball. Ellis says the 1st dream is about Tully learning to get along with his Japanese in-laws. The 2nd dream is the train of life, he’s moving forward. The 3rd dream is part his competitive nature who got beat by DanOD5 and so he feels emasculated. The 3 dreams together mean he’s a good, loving, father who got beat up by a chick.

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Like, OMG, grrrrr!

Rawdog had a semi re-occurring dream which is him standing on top of a mountain, it’s crumbling, he keeps jumping to different mountains but they keep crumbling. Dr. Ellis says it’s the pedestal his parents had put him until his sister and brother were born and then that pedestal crumbed beneath him. Ellis continued taking calls and helping analyze the dreams of callers until everyone was satisfied and will sleep comfortably for the foreseeable future. What a guy! And apparently I’m gay and want to have sex with bears. The US military invested up to $44 million big ones on a stealth bomber. Canadians? They spent $620,000 little ones on a stealth snowmobile, and while it’s not quite stealth yet, it is pretty quiet! Moto news time, Ryan Villopoto just might be the current world’s greatest motorcyclist racer, actually, he must be. Because somebody said he’s wrapped up the title because they added his points up on a calculator or some shit. There’s a mystery superstar actress who overdosed and it’s all caught on camera and shit. Sounds juicy. In Aussie news, Ellis will be on Loveline tonight, I think, pretty sure. Oh, and some old Canberra man tried to shove an entire fork in his bleeding dickhole for sexual gratification. You stay forking classy Australia! Researchers at a university in Australia think if you add electrolytes to beer, the world can be hangover free, because I mean really, who has time for a glass of water before you pass out in a puddle of your own piss?

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This pertains to all of you.

A 22-year-old man was walking on train tracks and got hit by an Amtrak train going 110 MPH. The conductor said he hit him straight on, but was fully conscious when police arrived and he’s not only fine, he’s okay. Josh found a site that identifies the lowest rated (or most hated) videos on YouTube, it may or may not be boootube.com. Live limbo time! How low can you go? Rawdog versus Ellis in a limbo competition, where Rawdog should have a clear edge here since he spent a portion of his college days at limbo parties. While the tale of the tape gives the advantage to Rawdog, it did not turn out to be enough as Ellis was able to out limbo Rawdog and his Monster Mash limbo method. The punishment for losing? Spin the wheel of doom! And what was the justice to be served? RC car nut pull. Hey, wanna fight at EllisMania 9? Make a video of you sparring or punching a heavy bag or you little sister or some shit and send it to fightclub@ellismania.com. And now, it’s racial joke Monday. A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, “What’ll you have?” The parrot says “I’ll have a beer!” The bartender’s impressed, slides over a beer and says, “Anything else?” The parrot says, “I’ll have a shot of rum!” The bartender is amused by all this and says, “That’s quite impressive, where did you get him?” The parrot says, “Africa, they’re everywhere!” OH!

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 8/1/2013

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No, no, no. I said channel 713 is available only on Sirius XM Online (US only so far) and the phone app! Your hat won’t pick it up. Geez!

Holy shit, it’s August already? That’s fucked up. Holy sheeit, a bird just flew three feet in front of me, dipped in the air and took a shit. I think it was trying to shit on me. Oh, and… HOLY SHIT BALLS! Ellis’ new 24-hour channel launched today! Channel 713 on Sirius XM Online and phone app only. Check it out, the future has arrived. Anyway, welcome to the re-cap, we have too much re-cap for you today! Ellis was thinking about being really tough so he can open mayonnaise jars and shit. But you don’t have to be that tough, you could be soft and still be tough, it just comes from the back door from behind from another angle, lets say. Ellis wants to be out in the sun, he’s feeling pasty. Tully’s going to a resort this weekend to be in the sun, but he’s going with a baby. Rawdog? He’ll probably not be in the sun, he’ll be in the warm glow of his laptop. Someone keeps leaving big long black hairs all over the boards in the studio, and there’s only one person they could belong to and Rawdog knows who that is, he saw the culprit. Who is this mystery man you ask? Let’s just say he’s the producer of a show, but you’d never know he was because he’s not allowed to be heard or even seen.

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Photo courtesy of Erika Ashley Photography @Erika_Ash

Betsy came into the studio pretty much right away. She came all the way from Chicago and schooled Rawdog on where he should’ve went for pizza because apparently he went to a real shithole of a pizza place. Who is this Betsy woman you ask? She’s the girl that bid a fuckload of money for charity and a chance to sit in on the show, meet the guys, etc. Her bid was only $1000 less than the most ever bid, all-time, in Sirius XM history. Everyone is pretty tired of Tito Ortiz and his antics. So why are we talking about him? Because he’ll be fighting Rampage in Bellator on November 2nd. Remember the Red Bull heir that got arrested for a hit-and-run and killing a dude? The case still hasn’t been heard yet, but the Red Bull heir’s family has so far paid the family of the man he killed $97,000 big ones. Back to Betsy. Whose the first “special” guest they brought in for her to meet? Cumtard! Betsy get’s to pick from 1 of 3 envelopes, all of which are things she gets to do to torture Cumtard, congratulations Betsy! First up? Ball sack tractor pull, where Cumtard’s kidney stone laden cock & balls gets tied to a remote control car and Betsy controls the car in an effort to rip Cumtard’s balls off. Betsy, who said she didn’t want to even do this, floored the car, ramped it out of the studio, and mutilated Cumtard’s package.

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You know another stabby culture? Squirrels. Squirrels are famous for using swords.

America is a crashy culture, we like to crash into people and things with our vehicles. Thailand is a stabby culture, they like to stab people and things with their various stabbing devices. After a disappointing video of a bear vs man fight, we heard audio from a video of Urijah Faber telling his story about having to whip some Bali ass. This led us into the time Ellis got into a bar fight, stabbed in the chest with a key & head butted from an English guy, and had several people kicking him in the head while he was on the ground. Betsy is a big street fighter and boosts cars, I think I read somewhere that she shot Tupac and Biggie before they shot each other. Tully’s parents went on the TMZ bus while they were there visiting, no word on if they got to see any celebrities or if they’d even know if they did since you’re not likely see Fatty Arbuckle era celebrities. OH! Get it? Tully’s always talking about how old his parents are? They probably wouldn’t recognize the young celebrities of today? Okay then.

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Interns, taking it to the top!

Next up, we have MMA news with intern Team Punishment. November 2nd Team Punishment is back as Tito Ortiz will be fighting Rampage. Sound familiar? Yes. That’s because it was already covered in the beginning of the show and he didn’t know. Interns, am I right? So as not to disappoint, he also wrote a few rap lyrics about the show and spit that shit on the mic. His illustrious rap career spans longer than he has been shaving his uni-brow, he says he actually recorded a rap album with one of his buddies in the past. Motherfucker is so gangster, nah I’m sayin? His rap may not make that pussy pop, but it might make that pudding pop! UHHH! X-Games talk time with best whip. This is the first time a female is participating in best whip at the X-Games, which means someone’s probably gonna die and that would make it the highest rated part of X-Games in history. This brought in the next “special” guest, Blasko, who as well as Ellis, is wearing his Wolfknives shirt – they’re super special buddies. Blasko told us of the time he was in the band Cryptic Slaughter, the famous bus crash that killed Cliff Burton brought a chance for a 16-year-old Blasko to potentially be the bassist for Metallica. Blasko had recently cut his hair, which caused him to be immediately turned away and then you Jason Newsted showed up. Oh man, the pain. You know that one stung. He also told the story of the time he and a pal were 18 and went to spend their hard earned money on some handguns. They get there and find out, nope, no handguns for them since they’re not 21. So they did the next best thing, went and got tattoos. Betsy is sleeved up and looking like she’s part of the Yakuza. Actually, I lied. She doesn’t have any tattoos but part of her winning the auction was to have her name tattooed on Ellis’ ass, but she seems to feel bad for Cumtard’s balls and is letting Ellis off the hook. Actually, she seems like a pretty cool chick overall, so she’s probably just being nice and is happy to be there. Good on ya’ Betsy!

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Yup. Rule 34.

Apparently there is some gay MMA porn out there where dudes are making out with other dudes’ knee. I don’t know how that gets anyone off, but I’m just glad to see the sport evolving? I guess? To be honest, this shouldn’t really be a surprise to anyone. Rule 34 states that pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject. A man in Phoenix was dropping his kids off at home and left his car running. A woman jumped in to try and steal his car but was stumped on how to put the car in gear. It was an automatic transmission. Women, am I right? And since Blasko is there, and “Get the cock off your chest” is a segment always done when Blasko visits, this led to Rawdog Matt having to get a cock off his chest. When Joanna Angel was coming to the show, Josh was trying to move her car for her, but he couldn’t find the emergency brake. A cop stopped and told him he couldn’t keep the car parked in the middle of the street, he told the cop he couldn’t find the parking and asked for help. The officer quickly found it and Josh was on his way. How he kept that a secret for so long is a mystery. Matt called in to say a bunch of high school friends had a party and didn’t invite him so he called the cops on them. Turns out nobody got busted because the cops used the same breathalyzer straw and couldn’t write out any under the influence tickets. Robert Matt called in to say while his buddy was out of town working, his buddies girlfriend needs help with a clogged sink. Of course his boner led him there, they get drunk and fuck and he stays the night. The boyfriend shows up in the night, he runs out the back door and ran home like nothing had happened. Later that day, his buddy calls him up and wants to go to have a few beers and vent about how he caught his girlfriend cheating. He spent 3 hours listening to his friend talk about some guy (him) fucking his girlfriend and he did his best to console him without admitting to being the guy who fucked his girlfriend.

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Even Cherubs aren’t immune to rule 34 and so have a cock to get off their chests.

Kevin Matt called in to say him and his buddy had went out to get some drinks, his buddy picked up a chick at the bar but he cockblocked his own buddy and banged the girl from the bar Matt called in to say he went to a chicks house, had tummy aches and rushed to the bathroom and didn’t quite make it and shit all over the lid. He had to clean it all up and 15 years later, they’re married. Mary called in to say that after a night of drinking, her and her friends were ready to go to bed, her friends started going at it in the bunk bed below her so she starts diddling herself while they’re banging. She didn’t finish and the couple kept going while she went to sleep. Matt called in to say he was smoking some weed with a buddy while they were young teens, his buddy asked if he could suck his dick. The whole time his buddy was blowing him, he was watching porn but didn’t finish in his mouth. He went to the bathroom and finished himself off and to this day, he feel weird about it. Huh. You don’t say? Feeling like you’re coming down with the queeries? OH! Derek Matt called in to say that after the war in Iraq, he’s married and he went to Australia and he and his buddies slept with a bunch of hookers. Danny Matt called in to say that back in college he played baseball with some douche who had a thing for his girlfriend. He ran into the douche’s girlfriend and his sister at a party and talked them into having a threesome and has never said anything about it. I might have missed the last one or two while I was packing up and leaving work, but it’s all good. Maybe you can catch it tomorrow morning on the “In Case You Missed It” or at some point maybe on 713 The Jason Ellis Channel!

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Let’s hope Betsy didn’t just bring Reese’s.

Next “special” guests to come in was Ken Block and Kit Cope. Talk started off with rally-x, gymkhana, and all that good stuff. We heard about some German driver that hit Ken’s car like 4 times in a single race and got a stern talking to. Then we heard about the last time Ellis was trying to qualify in X-Games along with Ken Block and Kit was the manager of EllisMate skateboards. We heard about the first time Ellis sparred with Kit Cope and how everyone told Ellis it was the stupidest thing they’ve ever seen because Kit thinks it’s funny to knock people out. Evidence is starting to build up that Kit is teaching his friends’ kids to say the word “fuck” and then he turns around and tattles on the kids for saying it. Ken and Kit both hit the punch pad, Ellis still remains on top of the heap. We got clarification from Kit that Thailand residents aren’t stabbing anyone, it’s the Cambodians that come to Thailand that are stabbing people. Betsy also came bearing gifts for the guys, like chocolates and shit from Chi-town. And this lead us into final calls, which weren’t all that bad since a lot of the callers were calling to ask Ken questions. And with that, I leave you with this: A man saunters up to the bar and orders 3 shots. As the bartender is pouring them he asks, “What’s the occasion?” The man replies, “My first blowjob.” The bartender, grinning, says, “Well shit, have a 4th one on me!” The man looks up to the bartender and says, “No thanks, if 3 shots won’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.” OH!

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Good night and god bless!

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/16/2013

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If you can’t be fit, might as well twerk that belly, son!

Happy Tuesday readers, it’s me, bitPimps, filling in for the birthday boy, shit_toboggan. Have you wished him a happy birthday yet and told him how beautiful his cock is? Fantastic, let’s see what was in store for us today on the show! Did you know that most people have shit on their hands? It’s true. Ellis is running with world champion boxers, not underwear, but actual people. I mean, he probably still wears underwear too, but you get what I’m saying. He feels as tired as Lance Armstrong’s dead ball. Tully thought it was crazy to have a slice of cucumber in his water, turns out though that he now thinks it’s the shit. Big day at Tully’s childhood home in the past. His sister got a piece of brillo pad in her spaghetti, they told the manager and then BAM! Free dessert for the whole family! Who says getting terrible shit in your food has to be a bad thing, right? Tully once hooked up with an Irish chick he wanted his wet American dick because she knew she’d never make it to America. Freedom wad! Wads for peace! Red, white, and wad! They may take our wad, but they’ll never take our FREEDOM! Ok. Did I beat that into the ground yet?

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You may have a nice album cover, but you’re no Jack The Cunt.

Jude stopped on the show today, he’s feeling all inspired now that Ellis is training, Tully is starting his road to fitness, and Rawdog has been doing his workouts. Now Jude’s starting to ramp up his exercise routines and says he started porking out a bit while he was in New York. Jude was banging this chick the other day (he didn’t gas out), his buddy comes over to pick up some pills, so he talked the chick into a threesome with his buddy. He fronted pills to his pal and got him a blowjob from the chick, and then when his friend goes to leave, he says, “you got a bit of belly there!” I assume that dude knows that non-sharing mushroom chick that Rawdog knows. Jude thinks poor people have AIDs, and that’s why you shouldn’t fuck poor people. Maybe that’s why Jude got kicked off the Instagrams for the third time. RIP JuderMcDuder. Now that Jude dresses like the oppressor, nobody in Detroit will talk to him anymore, including his friends. First time in the history of the universe we got to hear a new song from Death! Death! Die! (featuring Dingo & Rude Jude), called Jack The Cunt.

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Got my t-shirt mentioned, not used, but a mention is good enough.

A post office in Alabama was evacuated last week after a package started leaking liquid, and some Bamites (?) were rushed to the hospital only to find out the leaking liquid was KY lube. Mayhem was in the news recently, while wielding a knife, he said a comeback to the cage is possible after he has 2 knee surgeries. Speaking of comebacks, Tito Ortiz had posted a now removed post & picture of him on the steps of the Bellator offices and said something inferring he might be fighting for them, but then says “time to look elsewhere”, so who knows. And speaking of t-shirt companies, Ellis is trying to come up with t-shirt ideas. Fans of the show can draw up their own designs and if chosen, Ellis will collaborate on it with you and give you some free shit for your troubles! Send your submissions to tshirt@ellismania.com between now and August 15th. Rumor is spreading that Michael Bisping got knocked out while training at Wild Card for being a dick, but that’s just a rumor as of right now. A woman in Tennessee went to see a doctor, and instead of needing a backiotomy, the doctor diagnosed her with “Ghetto Booty.” He gave her some pain pills and then presumably told her shake it like a saltshaker because she got all like “word?” and he was all like “what?” The Onion put out a story that George Zimmerman won the lottery and shitload of people fell for it, not knowing The Onion is a satire news site. A guy in Seattle crashed and 8-year-olds birthday party, stole 2 slices of pizza and some balloon animals like a god damned legend! Apparently there is a Swollen Members song called Kyla and at the very end of the song, you can hear Ellis and others screaming Red Dragons.

So you say you want more news?

It’s Tuesday July 16, 1968 and it’s New Music Tuesday time. And that’s all I can really tell you about it, otherwise it might rip a hole in the space-time continuum and then we’re all fucked. In reality, I can’t tell you because my kid had her iPod stolen so I had to deal with that shit while they were going through NMT. Awesome. Good times, good times. Hollywood news time. And that’s all I can really tell you about that as well, otherwise I’d have to give two shits, and I don’t. And with that, I’ll leave you with this. What did the Mexican get for Christmas? My daughter’s fucking iPod! OH? Nah, that’s not that funny, I’m just mad. Let me try again. An African American boy and his dad are taking a walk on the beach. Suddenly, the boy notices a Caucasian boy and his dad, and the white boy holding his dad’s penis. The African American boy sees this and wants to do the same. So he proceeds to ask his dad, “Daddy, can I hold your penis while we’re walking?” His dad says, “No, you cannot.” “But, please! Let me hold it.” said the boy. The dad replies, “No, I wont let you do that” The boy demands, “I WANT TO HOLD IT, COME ON!” So the dad finally replies, “Okay, okay! But stay where I can see you!” OH!