HateBean Live With Number Five

More live studio recordings with HateBean. This time with heavy hitter Blasko on bass, Shoebox on keytar, Nancy on guitar, and tons of over-everything audio-wise courtesy of Ellis. Which actually gave it a gritty, industrial feel that worked out. So here it is, the audio with no – or next to no alterations.


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Show Recap for Friday 3/14/2014

Have I ever told you guys how much you mean to me? How much I appreciate you and how you make me happy by reading this? No? That’s probably because it’s Friday and I don’t give a fuck. Ellis wants shark teeth by an illegal dentist when he’s old because he figures his regular teeth will be gone and what better to replace them than shark teeth? A while ago Sirius did an auction for someone to hang with Jason and to feed hungry kids and today Justin and Maya, the winners of that auction, are hangin in the studio. Shout out to their asses! The rest of the first hour was filled will conversations about pretty much everything. They touched on Wills app idea where you have a fake hungry kid on your tumblr_inline_n1hgzsHOgy1sn2cx1 (1)phone that’s supposed to make you remember to donate to a real hungry kid or the one on your phone dies. Devin has heelies, her mom bought them despite the family dishonor, but it’s better than Devin taking on bodybuilding and shooting up roids in the bathroom and having backne. Ellis and Katie are retiring, from what exactly I’m not sure. He said maybe they would do private porn or just go back to the old balls resort and bang in front of everybody. I’m confused, it happens. They also mentioned Jason Statham, swiss army balls, LA water supply, rubber lawns, Temecula, national everything day, and donut fucking. Oh and happy steak BJ day all the insensitive bastards that don’t respect bitches.

In Shark News a female Great White shark was tagged and tracked for one year. In that year not only did she cross the Atlantic, she traveled about 19,000 miles total. Christian came in today with another set of his now signature segment, Striped Vocals. Today we

Admit it, you'd still do her.

Admit it, you’d still do her.

heard from Poison, Machine Head, B52s, Queen, Pat Bennatar, The Who, Smashmouth, Faith No More, Metallica, The Sex Pistols, and the backup chick in that one Rolling Stones song Gimme Shelter. All of a sudden though a masked intruder stormed the studio pointing a gun right at Jason’s head! Good thing it was only Blasko and this was all a test to see how impenetrable Kevin Bourne’s knife defense really is. Well, it isn’t. Kevin was about as useful as a bus full of Cumtards at a… well, anywhere really.

The middle finger of Satan hung out in the studio after his vulgar display of power and had a bit of knowledge dropped on him. The Oxford dictionary added a few new words this year, some of them are beat boxer, chugging, bestie, and four variations of the word cunt. Cunty, cuntish, cunted, and cunting. So go cunt yourself you cunting cunt! Also what

It's official, you're cunts.

It’s official, you’re cunts.

would a day with Blasko be without doing Get The Cock Off Your Chest! We heard confessions like how a dude shut down a cafeteria claiming food poisoning to get a piece of nurse pussy, a guy pooped next to tent, a dude had sex with the preachers daughter in his church on the altar, a dude fucked a tranny on purpose, a guy fucked his best friends girl, a guy got his boss fired to get his job but didn’t, dude and his bro used a tarded chick to get them beer then ditched her, a guy had sex with a crippled midget, and a dude fucked his buddy’s mom. Now all these assholes are free and clear to commit more moral travesties knowing that their record is wiped clean, party on dudes.

Aiden Ashley, adult entertainer, came in at moments notice so she can lift a kettle bell while saying sexy things. But instead they just had her say the lines from the show intro. After that, Hatebean performed live with new songs never heard by mortal ears like Punch Your Face (With My Penis) and Unconcious Pumps. Between the sweet vocals, shredding

I love you Ellis ~ Kevin

I love you Ellis ~ Kevin

keytar, and Blaskos bass riffs pulled straight from hell, I couldn’t help but crank it up and start head banging. I loved it but the other people at the bus stop didn’t get it. Because Kevin fucked up and couldn’t protect the wing with his bodyguard skills like Kevin Costner covering Whitney Houston, he has to spin the wheel of doom. Luckily for him he got the 3 minute zombie, except that he had to put a dildo in his butt and act like a zombie, a special needs zombie as it turned out. And before I end today’s recap just remember, there are massive invisible sharks all over the Gulf of Mexico so watch your back, especially if you’re with yer mum, her chum bucket brings all the sharks to the yard, OH!


Show Re-Cap for Thursday 8/1/2013


No, no, no. I said channel 713 is available only on Sirius XM Online (US only so far) and the phone app! Your hat won’t pick it up. Geez!

Holy shit, it’s August already? That’s fucked up. Holy sheeit, a bird just flew three feet in front of me, dipped in the air and took a shit. I think it was trying to shit on me. Oh, and… HOLY SHIT BALLS! Ellis’ new 24-hour channel launched today! Channel 713 on Sirius XM Online and phone app only. Check it out, the future has arrived. Anyway, welcome to the re-cap, we have too much re-cap for you today! Ellis was thinking about being really tough so he can open mayonnaise jars and shit. But you don’t have to be that tough, you could be soft and still be tough, it just comes from the back door from behind from another angle, lets say. Ellis wants to be out in the sun, he’s feeling pasty. Tully’s going to a resort this weekend to be in the sun, but he’s going with a baby. Rawdog? He’ll probably not be in the sun, he’ll be in the warm glow of his laptop. Someone keeps leaving big long black hairs all over the boards in the studio, and there’s only one person they could belong to and Rawdog knows who that is, he saw the culprit. Who is this mystery man you ask? Let’s just say he’s the producer of a show, but you’d never know he was because he’s not allowed to be heard or even seen.


Photo courtesy of Erika Ashley Photography @Erika_Ash

Betsy came into the studio pretty much right away. She came all the way from Chicago and schooled Rawdog on where he should’ve went for pizza because apparently he went to a real shithole of a pizza place. Who is this Betsy woman you ask? She’s the girl that bid a fuckload of money for charity and a chance to sit in on the show, meet the guys, etc. Her bid was only $1000 less than the most ever bid, all-time, in Sirius XM history. Everyone is pretty tired of Tito Ortiz and his antics. So why are we talking about him? Because he’ll be fighting Rampage in Bellator on November 2nd. Remember the Red Bull heir that got arrested for a hit-and-run and killing a dude? The case still hasn’t been heard yet, but the Red Bull heir’s family has so far paid the family of the man he killed $97,000 big ones. Back to Betsy. Whose the first “special” guest they brought in for her to meet? Cumtard! Betsy get’s to pick from 1 of 3 envelopes, all of which are things she gets to do to torture Cumtard, congratulations Betsy! First up? Ball sack tractor pull, where Cumtard’s kidney stone laden cock & balls gets tied to a remote control car and Betsy controls the car in an effort to rip Cumtard’s balls off. Betsy, who said she didn’t want to even do this, floored the car, ramped it out of the studio, and mutilated Cumtard’s package.


You know another stabby culture? Squirrels. Squirrels are famous for using swords.

America is a crashy culture, we like to crash into people and things with our vehicles. Thailand is a stabby culture, they like to stab people and things with their various stabbing devices. After a disappointing video of a bear vs man fight, we heard audio from a video of Urijah Faber telling his story about having to whip some Bali ass. This led us into the time Ellis got into a bar fight, stabbed in the chest with a key & head butted from an English guy, and had several people kicking him in the head while he was on the ground. Betsy is a big street fighter and boosts cars, I think I read somewhere that she shot Tupac and Biggie before they shot each other. Tully’s parents went on the TMZ bus while they were there visiting, no word on if they got to see any celebrities or if they’d even know if they did since you’re not likely see Fatty Arbuckle era celebrities. OH! Get it? Tully’s always talking about how old his parents are? They probably wouldn’t recognize the young celebrities of today? Okay then.


Interns, taking it to the top!

Next up, we have MMA news with intern Team Punishment. November 2nd Team Punishment is back as Tito Ortiz will be fighting Rampage. Sound familiar? Yes. That’s because it was already covered in the beginning of the show and he didn’t know. Interns, am I right? So as not to disappoint, he also wrote a few rap lyrics about the show and spit that shit on the mic. His illustrious rap career spans longer than he has been shaving his uni-brow, he says he actually recorded a rap album with one of his buddies in the past. Motherfucker is so gangster, nah I’m sayin? His rap may not make that pussy pop, but it might make that pudding pop! UHHH! X-Games talk time with best whip. This is the first time a female is participating in best whip at the X-Games, which means someone’s probably gonna die and that would make it the highest rated part of X-Games in history. This brought in the next “special” guest, Blasko, who as well as Ellis, is wearing his Wolfknives shirt – they’re super special buddies. Blasko told us of the time he was in the band Cryptic Slaughter, the famous bus crash that killed Cliff Burton brought a chance for a 16-year-old Blasko to potentially be the bassist for Metallica. Blasko had recently cut his hair, which caused him to be immediately turned away and then you Jason Newsted showed up. Oh man, the pain. You know that one stung. He also told the story of the time he and a pal were 18 and went to spend their hard earned money on some handguns. They get there and find out, nope, no handguns for them since they’re not 21. So they did the next best thing, went and got tattoos. Betsy is sleeved up and looking like she’s part of the Yakuza. Actually, I lied. She doesn’t have any tattoos but part of her winning the auction was to have her name tattooed on Ellis’ ass, but she seems to feel bad for Cumtard’s balls and is letting Ellis off the hook. Actually, she seems like a pretty cool chick overall, so she’s probably just being nice and is happy to be there. Good on ya’ Betsy!


Yup. Rule 34.

Apparently there is some gay MMA porn out there where dudes are making out with other dudes’ knee. I don’t know how that gets anyone off, but I’m just glad to see the sport evolving? I guess? To be honest, this shouldn’t really be a surprise to anyone. Rule 34 states that pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject. A man in Phoenix was dropping his kids off at home and left his car running. A woman jumped in to try and steal his car but was stumped on how to put the car in gear. It was an automatic transmission. Women, am I right? And since Blasko is there, and “Get the cock off your chest” is a segment always done when Blasko visits, this led to Rawdog Matt having to get a cock off his chest. When Joanna Angel was coming to the show, Josh was trying to move her car for her, but he couldn’t find the emergency brake. A cop stopped and told him he couldn’t keep the car parked in the middle of the street, he told the cop he couldn’t find the parking and asked for help. The officer quickly found it and Josh was on his way. How he kept that a secret for so long is a mystery. Matt called in to say a bunch of high school friends had a party and didn’t invite him so he called the cops on them. Turns out nobody got busted because the cops used the same breathalyzer straw and couldn’t write out any under the influence tickets. Robert Matt called in to say while his buddy was out of town working, his buddies girlfriend needs help with a clogged sink. Of course his boner led him there, they get drunk and fuck and he stays the night. The boyfriend shows up in the night, he runs out the back door and ran home like nothing had happened. Later that day, his buddy calls him up and wants to go to have a few beers and vent about how he caught his girlfriend cheating. He spent 3 hours listening to his friend talk about some guy (him) fucking his girlfriend and he did his best to console him without admitting to being the guy who fucked his girlfriend.


Even Cherubs aren’t immune to rule 34 and so have a cock to get off their chests.

Kevin Matt called in to say him and his buddy had went out to get some drinks, his buddy picked up a chick at the bar but he cockblocked his own buddy and banged the girl from the bar Matt called in to say he went to a chicks house, had tummy aches and rushed to the bathroom and didn’t quite make it and shit all over the lid. He had to clean it all up and 15 years later, they’re married. Mary called in to say that after a night of drinking, her and her friends were ready to go to bed, her friends started going at it in the bunk bed below her so she starts diddling herself while they’re banging. She didn’t finish and the couple kept going while she went to sleep. Matt called in to say he was smoking some weed with a buddy while they were young teens, his buddy asked if he could suck his dick. The whole time his buddy was blowing him, he was watching porn but didn’t finish in his mouth. He went to the bathroom and finished himself off and to this day, he feel weird about it. Huh. You don’t say? Feeling like you’re coming down with the queeries? OH! Derek Matt called in to say that after the war in Iraq, he’s married and he went to Australia and he and his buddies slept with a bunch of hookers. Danny Matt called in to say that back in college he played baseball with some douche who had a thing for his girlfriend. He ran into the douche’s girlfriend and his sister at a party and talked them into having a threesome and has never said anything about it. I might have missed the last one or two while I was packing up and leaving work, but it’s all good. Maybe you can catch it tomorrow morning on the “In Case You Missed It” or at some point maybe on 713 The Jason Ellis Channel!


Let’s hope Betsy didn’t just bring Reese’s.

Next “special” guests to come in was Ken Block and Kit Cope. Talk started off with rally-x, gymkhana, and all that good stuff. We heard about some German driver that hit Ken’s car like 4 times in a single race and got a stern talking to. Then we heard about the last time Ellis was trying to qualify in X-Games along with Ken Block and Kit was the manager of EllisMate skateboards. We heard about the first time Ellis sparred with Kit Cope and how everyone told Ellis it was the stupidest thing they’ve ever seen because Kit thinks it’s funny to knock people out. Evidence is starting to build up that Kit is teaching his friends’ kids to say the word “fuck” and then he turns around and tattles on the kids for saying it. Ken and Kit both hit the punch pad, Ellis still remains on top of the heap. We got clarification from Kit that Thailand residents aren’t stabbing anyone, it’s the Cambodians that come to Thailand that are stabbing people. Betsy also came bearing gifts for the guys, like chocolates and shit from Chi-town. And this lead us into final calls, which weren’t all that bad since a lot of the callers were calling to ask Ken questions. And with that, I leave you with this: A man saunters up to the bar and orders 3 shots. As the bartender is pouring them he asks, “What’s the occasion?” The man replies, “My first blowjob.” The bartender, grinning, says, “Well shit, have a 4th one on me!” The man looks up to the bartender and says, “No thanks, if 3 shots won’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.” OH!


Good night and god bless!

Show Re-cap For Monday 10/8/2012

Happy Thanksgiving Canada! Shhh don’t tell them it’s really Columbus Day, silly Canooks. The Jason Ellis Columbus Day Memorial show began with Dingo in the studio. Nothing says America like two sick cunts from Australia. Ellis started off talking about the movie Money Ball with Dingos bestie, Jonah Hill. Okay, maybe not besties, but they would probably jack each other off if they were trapped in an elevator for a couple hours and got really bored. Ellis’s birthday is coming up and he is going to have it a strip club, he didn’t specify the exact club but it’s probably at Crazy Horse, Paris, France, Body Shop, Marble Arch, Tropicana’s where I lost my heart GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS. Whoa, sorry, got trapped in Crue World for a second there. Where was I, oh yeah, something about old balls in the gym getting blow dried while Blasko meat gazes, but it’s not gay unless you say “What the

And she said she couldn’t have an orgasm!

fuck homie!” I’m not sure when exactly Blasko entered the Swinghouse but none the less it was one hell of an entrance. Ellis went to the Tony Hawk Foundation Benefit Something Something and saw a bunch of celebrities and otherwise awesome dudes. One of those was Dana White whom Ellis spoke with for a bit and they both had a good laugh over Gay Breudiger’s Ellismaina facial reconstruction. Do you want to know how to spike up your sex life? Just as Rawdog, all you have to do is get your girl a vibrator for her birthday and dress as a firefighter. That gets all the chicks all hot and bothered!

Unsigned Bands with Blasko was a huge success, or tragic failure, depending on if you are one of the unsigned bands or not. I took the liberty of quickly briefing my opinion of each band for you. Cuddle Crew started us off and was hilarious with their song ABS (Ass Balls Shaft), Mullet Corpse sounded like cookie monster leading a troop of Marines in the middle of an insurgent attack, Crusty Mustache reminded me of the stoner bums  that hang outside of Cheeba Hut, Not All There was like if NOFX, Bad Religion, and The Offspring took a collective dump and that dump fell on a guitar, The Kynd it was a small sample but Blasko summed it up perfectly with “pure shit”, Nonstop sounded like Dave Mustaine on Redbull and crack but it wasn’t  bad, Kill Everyone a few words to describe it, sucks-corn, shit-corn, makes me wanna punch his mum in the box-corn, Shadowstalk is probably the best thing out of Canada since…I got nothing. But they’re video is on Youtube featuring Talyn Stone, your welcome, George Heywood reminded my of The Pain of Time acoustic version, Wolfknife member, Scream Stoner sounded cool but we never got to the lyrics, AMoss was a rapper but my opinion doesn’t count because I’m a white dude in the suburbs, and Super Stone sounded like he should be an opener for a Skynnard tribute band. The overall best was Shadowstalk or Cuddle Crew, both were winners in our hearts. To submit your unsigned band email Ellisparodies@gmail.com.

Magicians are gay for example, Chris Angel & David Blane. But they are gay because they

Magics not gay, only Magicians are gay.

think that they really know magic and can do magical things. Penn and Teller are awesome because they know that it’s all tricks and plus they’re not fucktarded. A excape artist, Mike Scarpino, called in and told the guys about his “escape from a plastic bag” trick. Sounds lame until you actually watch his amazing abilities. Branden won the Big Fucking Mega Boat and after Michael “Danger Balls” Tully read it, I still had no fucking clue what it was about. The Reverse Awards are still being tallied so remember, vote now and  vote often. MMA News the worst roomie ever convicted for eating shrooms and then eating some face. Its an old story so if you don’t remember it then your shot out of luck. Our little Bush Baby is finally single again, so ladies you better shave those legs and douche that cooch because the Tussin Wolf is back on the prowl! Rawdog and his girl got in fight over dinner because he wanted to grab a quick bite and then hand with Cum Tard and she got all PMSy and started bitching, but The Bangar stood  his ground. All in all he said that there was too much drama in the relationship. Oh, she also wanted Rawdog to rawdog her non pill poppin puss so that she can get her grasp on the Richmond fortune tied up in the legendary trust fund, allegedly. The biggest bummer of this break up is that we won’t get to hear Jude do his impression of her and I don’t know what to do with these churros and McNuggets I got them for their anniversary. Final calls sucked, like usual. One of these times I would like to be surprised with at least 3 callers with something interesting to say.  Speaking of surprises, I found the football that you lost when you were a kid, yer mum was using it as a filler for her massive cavernous vagina, OH!


Show Re-cap For Tuesday 2/14/2012

Be My Valentine RawdogToday is Valentine’s Day and Rude Judesday, love is in the air! David Faustino (@DavidFaustino) stopped by the show today, you know, Bud Bundy. Apparently he raps? That has to be fuckin’ amazing to hear. Okay, I take it back, it’s not really that amazing. He seemed like a pretty chill cock, his interview was interesting and he had a sense of humor, he did play a round of the game mentioned below. And I did find it funny when he was talking about being able to make money while being comfortable. Taken out of context it kind of sounded as if he inadvertently was saying Ellis looks like shit when he said, “You can look the way you look right now.” Maybe I’m the only one that found it kind of funny.

Blasko also stopped by the show, which also means it was “Get the cock off your chest” Valentine’s edition. It seems there were several people who fucked their best friends’ child, disturbing. Some married guy and 4 of his friends all got a blow job from some chick, he stated she was “full”, and again, disturbing. There were a few others, but nothing quite as stellar as the previously mentioned.

A completely harmless box of Valentine's chocolates. (Th... on TwitpicTully prepared some Valentine’s chocolates and brought them into the show. They played a game where they had to answer questions, the person furthest from the correct answer got a chocolate to eat. As you can guess, these aren’t the type of chocolates you’re likely to enjoy. Here’s the breakdown of who lost and what they got to eat:

  1. Rawdog ate a chocolate covered fish oil pill. Things couldn’t have worked more perfectly here considering Rawdog’s palate for only McDonald’s and Jager.
  2. Ellis ate chocolate covered taleggio cheese treat, it’s some kind of “Italian, romantic, stinky cheese” according to Tully.
  3. Rawdog ate an all milk chocolate made with 100% breast milk! Shout out to Tully’s wife and her recent ability to squirt booby milk out of her teets. Rawdog is now one step closer to being adopted by Tully and his wife. (see “Hard Hitting Questions“)
  4. Blasko ate a chocolate filled with dried cat food, and he didn’t seem to mind at all. I imagine it had a granola type crunch to it and the chocolate probably masked most of the cat food flavoring.
  5. Rawdog, looking for his third delectable treat, got lucky on this one and picked the original chocolate – it had nothing in it, it was just a delicious chocolate.
  6. Cumtard got to eat a chocolate covered muscle, and I can only imagine the stench and nasty that it was made of. Someone was horking, holding back some vomit, I assume it was him.
  7. Blasko came back in an attempt to catch up to Rawdog, he got to eat a chocolate covered olive. Pretty tame compared to others.
  8. Ellis got his second turn to eat another chocolate morsel, this one being a chocolate covered octopus. That had to of been just as bad if not worse than the muscle. More gagging on this one, definitely from Ellis.
  9. Ellis got his chance to tie Rawdog by eating chocolate covered fish eggs from Tully’s Sunday night dinner. Again, this has to be up there with muscle and octopus.
  10. Cumtard ate chocolate covered kimchi (fermented cabbage) and apparently it has quite a pungent smell. But Cumtard is used to eating all sorts of horrible shit so it seemed he choked that one down without much of an issue.

To end off the show, a random 12 year-old called in. I don’t wanna be the one to say he’s too young to be listening to this show, wait. Yes I do. He’s too young to be listening to this show. Kind of like how your mom is too old to still be a hooker, but she still is. OH!