Show Re-Cap for Thursday 8/1/2013

how_i_listen_to_ellis_show

No, no, no. I said channel 713 is available only on Sirius XM Online (US only so far) and the phone app! Your hat won’t pick it up. Geez!

Holy shit, it’s August already? That’s fucked up. Holy sheeit, a bird just flew three feet in front of me, dipped in the air and took a shit. I think it was trying to shit on me. Oh, and… HOLY SHIT BALLS! Ellis’ new 24-hour channel launched today! Channel 713 on Sirius XM Online and phone app only. Check it out, the future has arrived. Anyway, welcome to the re-cap, we have too much re-cap for you today! Ellis was thinking about being really tough so he can open mayonnaise jars and shit. But you don’t have to be that tough, you could be soft and still be tough, it just comes from the back door from behind from another angle, lets say. Ellis wants to be out in the sun, he’s feeling pasty. Tully’s going to a resort this weekend to be in the sun, but he’s going with a baby. Rawdog? He’ll probably not be in the sun, he’ll be in the warm glow of his laptop. Someone keeps leaving big long black hairs all over the boards in the studio, and there’s only one person they could belong to and Rawdog knows who that is, he saw the culprit. Who is this mystery man you ask? Let’s just say he’s the producer of a show, but you’d never know he was because he’s not allowed to be heard or even seen.

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Photo courtesy of Erika Ashley Photography @Erika_Ash

Betsy came into the studio pretty much right away. She came all the way from Chicago and schooled Rawdog on where he should’ve went for pizza because apparently he went to a real shithole of a pizza place. Who is this Betsy woman you ask? She’s the girl that bid a fuckload of money for charity and a chance to sit in on the show, meet the guys, etc. Her bid was only $1000 less than the most ever bid, all-time, in Sirius XM history. Everyone is pretty tired of Tito Ortiz and his antics. So why are we talking about him? Because he’ll be fighting Rampage in Bellator on November 2nd. Remember the Red Bull heir that got arrested for a hit-and-run and killing a dude? The case still hasn’t been heard yet, but the Red Bull heir’s family has so far paid the family of the man he killed $97,000 big ones. Back to Betsy. Whose the first “special” guest they brought in for her to meet? Cumtard! Betsy get’s to pick from 1 of 3 envelopes, all of which are things she gets to do to torture Cumtard, congratulations Betsy! First up? Ball sack tractor pull, where Cumtard’s kidney stone laden cock & balls gets tied to a remote control car and Betsy controls the car in an effort to rip Cumtard’s balls off. Betsy, who said she didn’t want to even do this, floored the car, ramped it out of the studio, and mutilated Cumtard’s package.

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You know another stabby culture? Squirrels. Squirrels are famous for using swords.

America is a crashy culture, we like to crash into people and things with our vehicles. Thailand is a stabby culture, they like to stab people and things with their various stabbing devices. After a disappointing video of a bear vs man fight, we heard audio from a video of Urijah Faber telling his story about having to whip some Bali ass. This led us into the time Ellis got into a bar fight, stabbed in the chest with a key & head butted from an English guy, and had several people kicking him in the head while he was on the ground. Betsy is a big street fighter and boosts cars, I think I read somewhere that she shot Tupac and Biggie before they shot each other. Tully’s parents went on the TMZ bus while they were there visiting, no word on if they got to see any celebrities or if they’d even know if they did since you’re not likely see Fatty Arbuckle era celebrities. OH! Get it? Tully’s always talking about how old his parents are? They probably wouldn’t recognize the young celebrities of today? Okay then.

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Interns, taking it to the top!

Next up, we have MMA news with intern Team Punishment. November 2nd Team Punishment is back as Tito Ortiz will be fighting Rampage. Sound familiar? Yes. That’s because it was already covered in the beginning of the show and he didn’t know. Interns, am I right? So as not to disappoint, he also wrote a few rap lyrics about the show and spit that shit on the mic. His illustrious rap career spans longer than he has been shaving his uni-brow, he says he actually recorded a rap album with one of his buddies in the past. Motherfucker is so gangster, nah I’m sayin? His rap may not make that pussy pop, but it might make that pudding pop! UHHH! X-Games talk time with best whip. This is the first time a female is participating in best whip at the X-Games, which means someone’s probably gonna die and that would make it the highest rated part of X-Games in history. This brought in the next “special” guest, Blasko, who as well as Ellis, is wearing his Wolfknives shirt – they’re super special buddies. Blasko told us of the time he was in the band Cryptic Slaughter, the famous bus crash that killed Cliff Burton brought a chance for a 16-year-old Blasko to potentially be the bassist for Metallica. Blasko had recently cut his hair, which caused him to be immediately turned away and then you Jason Newsted showed up. Oh man, the pain. You know that one stung. He also told the story of the time he and a pal were 18 and went to spend their hard earned money on some handguns. They get there and find out, nope, no handguns for them since they’re not 21. So they did the next best thing, went and got tattoos. Betsy is sleeved up and looking like she’s part of the Yakuza. Actually, I lied. She doesn’t have any tattoos but part of her winning the auction was to have her name tattooed on Ellis’ ass, but she seems to feel bad for Cumtard’s balls and is letting Ellis off the hook. Actually, she seems like a pretty cool chick overall, so she’s probably just being nice and is happy to be there. Good on ya’ Betsy!

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Yup. Rule 34.

Apparently there is some gay MMA porn out there where dudes are making out with other dudes’ knee. I don’t know how that gets anyone off, but I’m just glad to see the sport evolving? I guess? To be honest, this shouldn’t really be a surprise to anyone. Rule 34 states that pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject. A man in Phoenix was dropping his kids off at home and left his car running. A woman jumped in to try and steal his car but was stumped on how to put the car in gear. It was an automatic transmission. Women, am I right? And since Blasko is there, and “Get the cock off your chest” is a segment always done when Blasko visits, this led to Rawdog Matt having to get a cock off his chest. When Joanna Angel was coming to the show, Josh was trying to move her car for her, but he couldn’t find the emergency brake. A cop stopped and told him he couldn’t keep the car parked in the middle of the street, he told the cop he couldn’t find the parking and asked for help. The officer quickly found it and Josh was on his way. How he kept that a secret for so long is a mystery. Matt called in to say a bunch of high school friends had a party and didn’t invite him so he called the cops on them. Turns out nobody got busted because the cops used the same breathalyzer straw and couldn’t write out any under the influence tickets. Robert Matt called in to say while his buddy was out of town working, his buddies girlfriend needs help with a clogged sink. Of course his boner led him there, they get drunk and fuck and he stays the night. The boyfriend shows up in the night, he runs out the back door and ran home like nothing had happened. Later that day, his buddy calls him up and wants to go to have a few beers and vent about how he caught his girlfriend cheating. He spent 3 hours listening to his friend talk about some guy (him) fucking his girlfriend and he did his best to console him without admitting to being the guy who fucked his girlfriend.

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Even Cherubs aren’t immune to rule 34 and so have a cock to get off their chests.

Kevin Matt called in to say him and his buddy had went out to get some drinks, his buddy picked up a chick at the bar but he cockblocked his own buddy and banged the girl from the bar Matt called in to say he went to a chicks house, had tummy aches and rushed to the bathroom and didn’t quite make it and shit all over the lid. He had to clean it all up and 15 years later, they’re married. Mary called in to say that after a night of drinking, her and her friends were ready to go to bed, her friends started going at it in the bunk bed below her so she starts diddling herself while they’re banging. She didn’t finish and the couple kept going while she went to sleep. Matt called in to say he was smoking some weed with a buddy while they were young teens, his buddy asked if he could suck his dick. The whole time his buddy was blowing him, he was watching porn but didn’t finish in his mouth. He went to the bathroom and finished himself off and to this day, he feel weird about it. Huh. You don’t say? Feeling like you’re coming down with the queeries? OH! Derek Matt called in to say that after the war in Iraq, he’s married and he went to Australia and he and his buddies slept with a bunch of hookers. Danny Matt called in to say that back in college he played baseball with some douche who had a thing for his girlfriend. He ran into the douche’s girlfriend and his sister at a party and talked them into having a threesome and has never said anything about it. I might have missed the last one or two while I was packing up and leaving work, but it’s all good. Maybe you can catch it tomorrow morning on the “In Case You Missed It” or at some point maybe on 713 The Jason Ellis Channel!

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Let’s hope Betsy didn’t just bring Reese’s.

Next “special” guests to come in was Ken Block and Kit Cope. Talk started off with rally-x, gymkhana, and all that good stuff. We heard about some German driver that hit Ken’s car like 4 times in a single race and got a stern talking to. Then we heard about the last time Ellis was trying to qualify in X-Games along with Ken Block and Kit was the manager of EllisMate skateboards. We heard about the first time Ellis sparred with Kit Cope and how everyone told Ellis it was the stupidest thing they’ve ever seen because Kit thinks it’s funny to knock people out. Evidence is starting to build up that Kit is teaching his friends’ kids to say the word “fuck” and then he turns around and tattles on the kids for saying it. Ken and Kit both hit the punch pad, Ellis still remains on top of the heap. We got clarification from Kit that Thailand residents aren’t stabbing anyone, it’s the Cambodians that come to Thailand that are stabbing people. Betsy also came bearing gifts for the guys, like chocolates and shit from Chi-town. And this lead us into final calls, which weren’t all that bad since a lot of the callers were calling to ask Ken questions. And with that, I leave you with this: A man saunters up to the bar and orders 3 shots. As the bartender is pouring them he asks, “What’s the occasion?” The man replies, “My first blowjob.” The bartender, grinning, says, “Well shit, have a 4th one on me!” The man looks up to the bartender and says, “No thanks, if 3 shots won’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.” OH!

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Good night and god bless!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 1/16/2013

35w1xqSo Cullen put together another nice Best of, but that was yesterday.  Today is live bitches!!!   Yeah so Ellismate’s been sick the past couple of days, he just didn’t want to get Tully and Rawdog sick, I mean fuck Will right?  On top of being sick, the Wing also dropped his new iPhone 5 in the pool, Tiggy’s sick too and saying ‘Hell Yeah’, and that of course means the ex ain’t to happy either.  But all us fans is happy we got us a live show today, and that we got to hear DavidLeeRothtallica today, stemming from this vocal only track of ol’ Diamond Dave doing Running With The Devil.  Ok I was kidding, who gives a fuck about him, back to the show.  Tully says Linsanity is officially smarter than a dog while Rawdog has still been going to the gym and says his pecks feel firm, wanna touch?  Burger Ellis has been pissing everywhere and eating carpet, yup!  And your boy Young Wing not only had a credit card cancelled for some bullshit reason, but he also had to hear some moronic callers swearing you can put a cut onion in a room with you, and it will suck up the aids and gay in the air.  Grandma also says you can cut up potatoes and put them in a sock, rock your little potato necklace, and get mad bitches but no herpes.  This same tactic is often used by Kayne West, who was caught on tape being a douche bag while Samuel Jackson and Spike Lee were being bigger douche bags, its about 30 seconds in.  Oh, and Jay-Z hugged Tully this one time, thats about it.

 

 

Why You Don't Beat It On XMas Day!

Why You Don’t Beat It On XMas Day!

So what will Rawdog buy Tully and Ellis with his Trust Fund, which is due at age 35?  Nothing, he’s Jewish, OH!  Just kidding, but seriously the Jingleberries are some bitches (That we love and respect!) for retracting on Rawdog’s shitty beard as man-boy-ly as it may be.  Pornhub.com is full of bitches, doing some really cool shit too, and they say these are the 11 days of the year that we ain’t jerking it…using a computer!  So remember that special guest Ellis was referring to last week?  Yeah well it wasn’t Stupid Tits who was back on the show to preform his infamous impressions.  If you’ve never heard of Stupid Tits, he’s a former intern who’s metal as fuck, and if you’ve never heard him do an impression, well you must go back and check this out.  Spot on Mitt Romney, Jackie Chan, Jenny Lopez ass and all, James Bond and not the shitty David Craig one either!  This dude sent chills down our spines with the likes of Hulk Hogan, Batman while chowing Catwoman’s carnival, Dracula chowing whoevers beave, and of course Rawdog who is the king of eating pussy as we all know.  Some hilarious shit here to hear, and a Stupid Tits side note, he’s no longer in All Gods Kill but instead front man for Lazarus Casket, check him out!

 

 

 

Metal As Fuck

Metal As Fuck

So remember that special guest Ellis was referring to last week?  Yeah well it was former Metallica bassist, and current shredding ledge, Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Jason Newsted.  Honest opinion folks, fucking bad ass interview here and worth every minute of your time.  Ellis and Newsted just flipped it back and forth…12 years tomorrow when Newsted left Metallica….Newsted’s proud of Ellis for that shark heart eating incident….no shooting elk at Newsted’s place…Newsted eats left overs….yeah don’t let that last one throw ya, good radio here.  Oh, and of course, Unsigned Bands!  But this wasn’t any ordinary Unsigned Bands, no this time we had actual advice and help and shit, it was weird!  Just a few that we heard from, ‘Teleport’ with that micro penis dude from Vermont, ‘The Wad’ from Puerto Rico or there abouts, ‘Young General’ who’s lawyer sent in the tape, ‘Rusty Hook‘ who’s not that bad, and legends in the unsigned bands game ‘Cuddle Crew‘.  Jason Newsted really gave some legitimate advice to these fuckers, and one last band of note, Death!Death!Die!.  Yeah Tully slipped in “Pain of Time”, and Jason Newsted gave it honest review, and yes Shoebox the vocals are too low!  He did justify why it was low, had to be for the guitar or some nerdy shit good reason.  He also said the singer was pretty good, and the dude on keyboards fucking killed it.  Be sure to check out the “Metal” EP and NewstedHeavyMetal.com.

 

 

#FuckTullyHellYeah

#FuckTullyHellYeah

Obama said fuck you to Star Wars!  Donald Schultz says fuck you to the blicks, but thats in a best of somewhere.  Today was live, and so were the animals Schultz brought in for Ellis ‘Snake Box’ he’s been envisioning.  Schultz and his boy Mark, from The Reptile Outlet who came in to help, say a big snake isn’t ideal for this box as they’re too hard to care for.  Nah Mate, how about this “friendly spider”?  Its a huge tarantula, with 1/2″ fangs which suck out the insides of beetles like slurpee’s.  Well picture that in a tank, hanging from the ceiling, with webs inside of skulls and shit, just starring at you with those straws for teeth, and tell me its friendly. Seriously though this thing doesn’t bite humans, just insects and male spiders, fucks them up bad like!  No name for our furry friend yet, but its sounds like she will be a huge part of the show to come.  I do however have a name for our furry friend who also is huge, and can suck the cum out of anyone with her straw like fangs, its Your Mom, OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 1/8/2013

Is this what you imagine when Rawdog is just about to climax and his gay roommate comes home?

It’s Tuesday and so far Sirius XM Online player is working! Yay! Ellis still might have worms, he went to the doctor today to get his blood tested, only time will tell. He’ll either shit out some worms, chew someone’s face off, spew chunks, or none of that. Tully has his own porn viewing standards, and those standards do not include annoying porn dudes that look like jerks, loud, obnoxious bitches that yell a lot while getting banged, etc. Jude stopped in to give his feelings on pills, slapping bitches, and making them eat off the floor. He told us of having a chick over that wanted to get spanked, but he wanted her to do chores, so he took it easy on her until she finished doing his laundry. Now that’s one classy motherfucker! He says he (and she) feel a little dead inside after their done with the humiliation session, but one has to imagine that going into a k-hole takes all that away. The guys moved on to rub-n-tug massage parlors and the various experiences they’ve had. Jude is on a first name basis with most of the bitches working those joints, Ellis has only done it a few times, Rawdog would rather have someone touch his dick that is in love with him, and Tully found out he likes to Yelp rub-n-tug massage parlors. Hey, ladies, good news according to a female caller! Sounds like you can get happy endings from massage parlors as well, you just gotta get so wet you leave visual evidence so the masseuse can tell what kind of mood you’re in.

Canadians don't lock their doors, American's didn't lock their doors until the lock was invented.

Canadians don’t lock their doors, American’s didn’t lock their doors until the lock was invented.

We got a “Canadians Am I Right?” segment today, topping the scales was a story of a stolen outhouse with a $500 Canadian Tire reward for anyone with information on the severely missed shit hut. There were some more stories, but no pictures, because Canada doesn’t have camera’s. People draw on the walls of their igloos and inside caves. Did you know Rawdog used to hitchhike in Santa Cruz? He’s been in cars with “some guy” that would take him home from school, sounds a little suspect and a whole lot of crazy. Since you didn’t know that, I assume you also didn’t know there are 17 billion planets similar in size and shit to Earth, just in our solar system! “DANG!”, said Jebus. Does that mean life on Earth is an accident? Does it mean that there is for sure got to be more life out there than just us? Or does it mean that Rawdog does indeed hear his father’s speech impediment and is just bullshitting everyone when he says he does not hear it. Guess what else the Lord gave us today? That’s right, NMT. Word (bullshit or not) is that David Bowie was a nobody until the moon landing and his manager convinced someone that British TV should play his “Space Oddity” song during the televised moon landing, and then Bowie blew the fuck up. Well Bowie released some piece of lullaby shit and we got to hear part of it, and just before everyone fell asleep, Rawdog introduced some Dropkick Murphys. Word (bullshit or not) is that Cullen instantly got a boner and went straight into the bathroom to take care of it. Jason Newsted has a new album out with his band, either the album, the band, or both are aptly and creatively named, “Newstead.” If you wanna check the rest of NMT out, you can go to The Ultimate Playlist.

Just calling it like we see it.

Just calling it like we see it.

Kevin Garnett allegedly said Carmelo Anthony’s wife tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios. I’m not so sure that was meant as an insult, them bitches are pretty fuggin’ tasty, jack. Now let’s calm it down and release some of that angry frustration that just got dropped on us by the Honey Nut Cheerios remark. It’s MMA trivia time, with Ellis reading the questions and Tully and Rawdog trying to answer correctly. Tully eked out a narrow victory over Rawdog, and all was right in the world again. Speaking making things right in the world, your mom was feeling sick and one of her hooker friends suggested she gargle with mouthwash to help kill the germs, problem was, you’re mom is so poor she can’t afford mouthwash. In her quest for mouthwash, she finds this broke ass Eskimo lady that’s always sitting in the park drinking Listernine, because she can’t afford real alcohol. She asks the Eskimo lady if she have just a shot, the poor lady says, “I’m sorry, but I’ve drank it all already, but I drink enough that I bet I’ve got something that will work.” Excited, your mom responded, “That would be great! What is it?” The Eskimo lady hands her a cup of what looks like coagulated blood and tells your mom to just gargle and then slam it real quick, and she does. Your mom gagged and nearly puked all over the place, she asked, “What the hell was that? That was horrible!” The Eskimo lady says to your mom, “What’s the difference between menstrual blood and sand? You can’t gargle with sand.” OH!