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Show Re-cap for Tuesday 9/30/2014

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You know, I was writing the post title for this recap and I wrote and erased Thursday three times before my fingers and brain could agree that no, Jenny, it is not Thursday, it is Tuesday. And oh, what a Tuesday…but…enough about my life (for now) and on to what I haven’t had the opportunity to do in wayyyyyyyy too long which is to listen to the oh so wonderful Jason Ellis Show and write a recap for you fine folks. And you know, I won’t be exclusive…this recap isn’t just for all the fine folks out there, it’s for the assholes too. Enjoy it, assholes, you’ll get yours in the end :D The sweetest dude ever, Jason Ellis opened up the show today letting us all know that after taking a successful cocktail of what I will assume were prescribed drugs by a doctor, he was able to get a good night’s sleep and man, what a difference that makes in a man’s life. He imbibed a trifecta of liquid melatonin, gabapentin, and trazadone and that shit packed a punch way harder than good old Gabe Rudiger and actually managed to knock Ellis out. He’s feeling a bit better and thinks that it’s a great day to be in the studio and to be the man that he is and hey, by the way, Ladies (and possibly gentleman) he is single. But not really. But open. Or not. He may be closed. He’s not gonna advertise. Except for that whole thing where he just announced it on international Satellite radio, but SiriusXM is all kind of small potatoes…right? No, no, don’t get it all twisted, He and Katie are still going strong (I mean, seriously, have you seen Katie?) but she is away for the week and instructed Ellis to have fun and she really meant it. She gave him a full on Hall Pass to have fun while she was away and Ellis is feeling kind of old and all ‘whatever’ about it. Tully himself doesn’t know what he would do if he were ever granted a Hall Pass from his dear wifey, and Ellis told Tully that he should call him so Ellis would be able to talk him out of it because it is not a good idea because there is no way that Wifey is actually okay with it. Unless we’re talking about alternate reality Tully and Wifey, in which case, Ellis advises him that it’s something that has to be done with the right kind of chick because it needs to be known that this is a One Time Just For Fun I Don’t Love You kind of sex, not a Let’s Do This Once and Then Keep Doing It and Not Tell Anyone kind of thing. All Tully really knows is that when his chick goes away, things get weird…but Ellis doesn’t think he’s going to get weird, and it doesn’t really seem like he’s going to look for things to get all sexy either, but if it falls in his lap he sure won’t be saying no.

Ellis then goes a bit off Hall Pass talk because he is not a man to say no to a tangent and he begins talking about how he isn’t on Drew On Call tonight because it was revealed to him that ‘they’ didn’t think that the subject matter would be good for him to talk about. Ellis wonders what’s up with that and what they may be discussing on the show that he wouldn’t be able to talk about because he’s awesome and has something to say about everything and he is by far the most famous and wonderful and awesome person who is on Drew on Call except for, of course, Drew himself. But whatever, that just leaves him with a free afternoon and since people on Official Jason Ellis has been requesting that he goes on the site live more often he has contemplated just going live from inside the studio after he gets a sammich from downstairs. And, yeah, that’s just what he’s going to do. Today at four thirty (which in internet recap land translates to- earlier today at 4:30) Ellis is going to be live of OfficialJasonEllis.com. Boom. Go. Or went. Or whatever. And for all of you out there who don’t know, 4:30 PM Pacific is 7:30 PM Eastern Standard Time and all of you guys in the middle who aren’t in either of those time zones, just figure it out on your own. You’re not important enough for Ellis or Tully to run down the list, you’re not on the coast. But not really, you’re important, and probably very used to having to figure out the time difference as you listen to the show in the first place and because everything is advertised in terms of the coasts. Which is weird, because if the US were a sandwich the coasts would be the bread and the Mountain and Central Time zones would be the meat and the cheese and those are the things that everyone is into the sandwich for. Only weirdos are all excited about the bread (or so Hubbs tells me when he watches me make a sandwich for myself because he will never understand my love for carbs). Anyway….Chicago is in the middle and Chicago is pretty cool so, shout out to you Chicago for not sucking terribly!!!!

Tully brings up that later in the show there’s a guest on the roster and it’s someone who, upon reading his history, Tully feels shares a lot of similarities with Ellis in terms of how they got into the whole skateboarding thing. Oh, did I mention that the guest is a skateboarder? Well, he’s a skateboarder, and I mean that in every sense of the word- including tense- because even though he and Ellis were skating at the same time, Geoff Rowley is still a professional skateboarder in today’s world. Not ‘just’ a radio host of the best show on radio like Big Daddy J. Speaking of skateboarders and radio, right after TJES today there is going to be a super big special and exciting Demolition Radio with Tony Hawk because it is the Ten Year Anniversary of Demolition Radio, and in case you didn’t know, that is kind of a big deal. Ellis is even going to be on it so hopefully you listened because you don’t suck and got to celebrate yet another milestone in Tony Hawk’s Illustrious career. Yay Birdman. Ellis shared a little preview of what was going to be in store on the show from his own perspective because he talked about how, while taping, Tony said to him that he always knew that he was going to do big things in the Radio World, but he can’t believe that Ellis quit skateboarding. Ellis looks at it from the point of view where he wanted to be the best in the world at Radio, and the only way to be the best in the world at something is to devote absolutely every part of yourself to that thing, which, for Ellis, meant bye bye pro skateboarding, hello SiriusXM please let me talk a lot. It apparently was apparent to Will, Tony, and Tully from the get-go that Ellis was born with the gift of gab and basically from the first time that he opened his mouth behind a mic they were all pulling for him to get his own show and to be able to talk more and some of the issue with making that happen, at first, was that the bigwigs in New York were scared to take Ellis off of Tony’s show and give him his own show because The Birdman is a scary motherfucker who may kill people and eat babies in his downtime. After Ellis was given his own show (when Will asked tony if it was okay) Will made the pull for Ellis to be given more time on air for talking after a comment from Tully about how he just couldn’t understand why Ellis wasn’t allowed to talk more and play less music (a comment which Tully absolutely does not remember ever making). So, it really was a group effort that got Ellis his own show and helped evolve his show into the glorious thing that it is today. Yay Team.

Oh, hey, by the way, all you hundreds of millions of thousands of tens of people who are reading this…know what’s coming up? Buncha shit. That’s what. First of all, on October 17th, The Jason Ellis Show will be broadcasting from the Hard Rock in Vegas and you are all invited because it’s free. Stop on down to the one and only Hard Rock in Vegas and check out the show, and while you’re around, check out the after party that will be going down (presumably after) at Body English where you can also check out the debut performance of Horse Force cause FUCK YEAH!!!! Ellis says that he will be around and he will be available so come and check it out because it’s Vegas and Horse Force and possibly some Moto on Saturday. And that following Monday, October 25th, Ellis and Tully will be waking up in New York City because they are the Radio Show that Never Sleeps going to the City That Never Sleeps because, synergy man, SYNERGIZE. All week long, Monday through Friday, Ellis says that he is available. All he has to do is the radio show and Katie (he will be washing his hands in between) and if you want to meet up for coffee or lunch or whatever in The City during that week, hit him up on twitter or instagram or whatever and he will be there. I am already checking my schedule to see which day I have off of work during that week so I can tell Hubbs to take off and we can hang with The Man. Wooo!!! And not only that, east coasters, let Ellis know through the same social media means mentioned in the previous sentence and Friday he will get your passes to go to the SiriusXM building in NYC where Horse Force will be playing in the Fishbowl during the show. And hey, if you have the time I would recommend it because the SiriusXM building in NYC is pretty sweet, and Ellis even says that you never know, you may run into Real Celebrities like Martha Stewart or Howard Stern or Opie…or Jim Norton (who is arguably more famous that Opie). And then Saturday…well, well, well, Saturday, there is to be cricket and Ellismania Mini/Ellismania 9.5 or whatever because Ellis is bringing a little bit of Ellismania to the East Coast since we’ve all been bitching about it. Boom. Fucking show up. Party. Enjoy. Aside from Ellis and Tully, Will, HotDog, Dingo, and a bunch of other cool famous people will be there. I’ll be there with Hubbs. It’s gonna be a party!!!!! Buy your fucking tickets now!!!!

And then, right about at this point in the show I got a call from my Mother in Law that My Father in Law was having a medical emergency and she wanted me to go with her to the hospital because she was bugging out and I didn’t get home until 8 o’clock and even though I paused the show I still missed a part in between here and the next part that I listened to so there is a small chunk of time missing, but, shit happens, fuck you, I’m hot, and #sorrynotsorry I have to be there for my family. Also…as I gotta be there for my Ellisfam :winks for days: the recap continues…

Amanda Bynes has been arrested again for being crazy and driving under the influence and it’s sad. I mean…it’s just sad. As soon as she gets released from conservatorship from her parents she’s back to doing crazy shit, and it seems it was a little too much to hope that she would keep her shit together and get back to being successful. In other crazy news, a flight to Israel was recently delayed because a whole buncha Jewish guys from a particularly strict Jewish Sect called the Haredi refused to sit next to female passengers and is was a whole big hullabaloo. And man, did that news piss Ellis off. He was offended on behalf of women because wtf kind of nonsense is it that they were refusing to sit next to women, he was offended on behalf of being an American (albeit transplanted) because if you don’t like it, this is America, leave motherfuckers, and a whole host of other things. He basically took issue with the fact that the rules are the rules, those are the tickets that they had purchased, and maybe they should have looked into this beforehand, seeing as how obviously they are super-into their religion and have to have had to deal with things of this nature before. I mean, women are kind of everywhere. Existence kind of depends on vaginas. Sorry guys. They took a lot of calls, where a lot of people had good points, some people had bad points, and some people were racist and intolerant, but Ellis was fair about the whole thing. He just doesn’t buy into people being able to bend the rules to suit themselves by playing the ‘I’m Religious’ care, because the rules should be the same for everyone all of the time, and Ellis does not buy into anything that breeds hatred or intolerance.

Next up, Geoff Rowley, pro-skateboarder, mountain lion hunter, and knife maker is in the studio and wow are some of those credentials kind of surprising. Geoff’s interview struck me as kind of weird…part of me felt like he was vibing Ellis a bit, but it could just be the fact that he’s English (from Liverpool) and sounds extremely laid back, but at the same time is obviously a very passionate person. Extremely laid back and extremely passionate hits the ear kind of weird sometimes. But, whatever, Geoff is currently working on a skate video for Vans and has already had 4 surgeries as a result of injuries while filming in addition to lacerating his kidney after falling stomach first onto a chain link fence while jumping in between roofs. But he loves it and wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. He’s 38 and still going strong in the skating game, and is the kind of street skater that Ellis really likes and respects, because he is just good at skateboarding and would be good at any kind of skateboarding that he would go for. And as much as he is a pro skateboarder he is also really passionate about hunting and that is a big topic of conversation for much of the interview because Geoff also has a company and designs knives and hunting tools and hunts Mountain Lions (for population control purposes). He also keeps a knife next to his bed because he is going to be ready for a home invader, motherfucker, and he doesn’t buy into the fact that Yellowstone was saved by wolves. That’s some bullshit propaganda in his humble opinion. They talk about coming to America to skate, how donuts were available by the dozens and how Cannolis are fucking awesome and how it’s all about making your dreams come true in America. It was an interesting interview…I’m still not quite sure how I felt about it overall, because there was something about Geoff that kinda put me to sleep, but I told Hubbs to check it out at some point because he’s into knives and hunting and guns and I thought he might find it more interesting that I did.

Rounding out the show there were final calls as well as a call from Bert who runs Drew on Call on HLN explaining that he still loved Ellis very very very much (and kept telling Tully to shut up because he called the show to talk to Ellis) but he just didn’t think that Ellis was the right person to talk about Hannah Graham (a college student who was abducted and murdered) and a real estate agent who was abducted and murdered, and that’s cool, whatever, Ellis is available and Ellis is the best. Ellis was also not too pleased about how he looked in his pics with Geoff because he’s still sick and he’s getting older and his face looks like it’s falling off normally and adding being sick on top of it is good for no one. But, at least he’s not a girl, because time is not nice to females for the most part, and no one really cares if a guy’s face is falling off as he gets older, but everyone is super critical of women aging, because people tend to be super critical of women about absolutely motherfucking everything. Oh, and, btw, the CDC has confirmed the first case of Ebola in the United States down in Dallas, Texas, so we may all be fucked, but, then again, probably not. We have way better healthcare and government and water than West Africa does. A bunch of final callers did call in to share their stories of love and how TJES has resulted in marriage and relationships and that made Ellis happy to hear, because to him, we fans are all a part of his family and he’s glad that he’s spreading some happiness in the world.

 

 

And folks…that’s all I have for today. Big shoutout to @shit_toboggan!!! Good luck!!!

 

Show Re-cap for Thursday 5/1/2014

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Holy freaking shit. The amount of bad that I need a new laptop is actually sad. How sad? So sad that I am currently writing this in a normal word document that I shall be copy and pasting into the little wordy type box for the site because this beast piece of shit (that I desperately love so pleasepleaseplease don’t actually die on me laptop) is dying so hardcore that I can’t type in real time into the little wordy box unless I type at a rate of one letter per minute and that shit is not happening. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Nothing gets me less pumped to write than technical difficulties.

 

Get pumped, Jenni, get pumped. This is your first recap in basically forever (if you’re going in internet time) and that means that it’s time to get pumped because your public wants you!!!! Goddddd that sounds so self-centered. My public? Bitch, am I serious here? Probably not. But that made me laugh a little bit, so I’m getting the pump on. Haha. Getting my pump on. That would be so way funnier if I were a dude. Maybe you can imagine me sitting here writing this topless and typing with one hand while the other is pumping away Handy-J style on Hubbs. Is that a bad image? I don’t think it’s a bad image. But…I am in love with him. Although…It is kind of sucky because a one hand Handy-J is pretty half assed. Shame on me. No half-assing Handy-J’s is allowed, especially since they are the most innately half-assed of all the non-intercourse sex acts. And don’t anyone come in and say that foot jobs are more half assed, because I don’t know if you’ve ever been the one giving the foot job, but in case you haven’t, a foot job, even a bad one, takes a lot of skill and concentration, so shut the fuck up.

 

Anywhoooooooo, now that that is all sorts of out of being in the way now, it’s time for your favorite XX-chromosomed recapper of The Jason Ellis Show to get down to some sort of non-sex related work here. Woooooooo!!!! Ellis opens up the show with a whopper of a doozy because hey, he’s Jason Ellis, and he likes eating cakes. He had two flan’s before bed the other night, so fuck you, because previously he didn’t even know what the fuck flan was (and for the record I don’t know what the hell that shit is either, so whatever) and yeah, fuck you if you don’t like it. Ellis has been losing weight steadily since being back from Thailand partly because of that whole thing where his heart is half exploding and he hasn’t had much of an appetite. His appetite is back now and he’s been eating more, but he is still losing weight, probably because his metabolism is a beast and doesn’t care that he has been eating two dinners lately. Why has he been eating two dinners lately? Well, because Katie has been working and she doesn’t get home until late so Ellis eats the dinner that he makes for the kiddies with the kiddies, and then when Katie gets home he eats dinner again with her, and then he eats the dessert that she brings him because she is adorable and loves him and knows that he has a sweet tooth. As you are probably aware, Ellis wasn’t on the air yesterday (and stop fucking bitching about it, you assholes, he’s trying to avoid dying so that he can continue to be on the air for many many yearas to come) and the reason was that he had to go to the cardiologist to get some pre-surgery stuff done. His doctor told him that after the surgery there was an 85% chance that he would be completely cured and wouldn’t have to worry about his heart bouncing off the walls of his chest cavity any more and things would be great and he could continue living his life the way he has become accustomed to. There is a teeny tiny chance that he could die during the surgery…but doctors basically have to tell you that no matter what they are doing to you, because that way, if you do die, they can’t be sued for wrongful death and their malpractice insurance doesn’t sky rocket, cause that shit is expensive.

 

Ellis mentions that Electric Visual talked to him about a campaign they’re thinking about doing which is to be based around photographs of 7 Things That You Can’t Live Without and they wanted Ellis to take a picture of 7 things that he can’t live without. Ellis did, and then took it a step further and had everyone else from the show take pictures also. Tully talked a little bit about his approach to the photograph saying that he went into it thinking that obviously he couldn’t include his wife and kid because that’s a given/cop-out because duh, of course he can’t live without them, and also he didn’t want to include a bottle of water because everyone knows that you can’t survive without a bottle of water, or oxygen, and all that good necessary shit. So basically, they are pictures of things that each of them could live without but that they don’t want to live without because living without those things would make them sad.

 

They don’t get to discussing what they (Ellis, Tully, Will, Jetta, and Kevin- for the record are the ones who are the ‘they’) had in their pictures until a bit later on in the show and instead this spins into a big discussion on living with things and without things and what is happiness and how people need to be happy that they are alive, and hey-days and things like that. Ellis says that people need to be glad that they are alive, especially young people, because one day you could be walking around and be like the guy that he saw at the doctor who was super old walking with a cane in a full back brace who was sooooooo old that his face was falling off to the point where his bottom eyelid was trying to touch the floor. And…damn…be glad that the days you are in now are the days that in the future you will look back on and say, “Well, those were the days.” Ellis talks about how he was watching a video of himself skateboarding back when he had hair and how whatever he had done was super awesome and it was probably the best skateboarding day of his life and that was his hey-day. He currently thinks that his hey-days are the days of Ellismania, although not the last drama-filled one, and how he loved the first successful one that was at the Hard Rock in Vegas. Tony Hawk was there and up somewhere watching from a Hawk-like position and Ellis recalled that he was hosting and talking and everyone there was so happy and excited and exploding and he said something along the lines of “[to Tony Hawk] Did you ever think when I came to be on your show that it would turn into this?” Just let that sink in for a minute because that, right there, really resonated with me. Tony Hawk got Ellis a job about a decade ago and this is where he is now. Think of the possibility that you are still afforded in your life…think of what you are doing today and where it could lead in ten years. Personally…it made me really want to get my ass back in gear cause I’m 27 and when I’m 37…if my life could be half as charmed as Big Daddy J…I would be a happy bitch indeed. Tully talked about how when he and his family were moving from their apartment recently to the house where they are currently living he had a moment where it occurred to him to ask himself, ‘Are these ‘the days’ that we are leaving behind now?’ And it’s the kind of thing where, of course there are going to be more good times and more ‘days’ to be remembered…but sometimes you have to sit and wonder when you are happy, if this is going to be the happiest that you are ever going to be in life, and if it is, whether you should be doing anything different to keep these happy times going for as long as they can be.

 

This continues on for a good bit and somehow rolls into a talk on religion and I don’t really feel like talking that much about religion, but Ellis talked about how he posted a Meme to his instagram which featured Odin (who Ellis has decided is his deity, a nice warrior god) and some Christians got all butt-hurt about it. I hate to break it to Ellis, but people who are really into their religion tend to get butt-hurt about anything that says anything negative about their religion, whether it’s part of a joke or not. It’s their God/belief system/way of life…something that they hold close to their chest at the worst times in their life and depend on to keep going on very bad days…yeah, people are going to get butt hurt. And yeah, they should try and be rational and see that it’s a joke, but religion and rationality don’t really get along too well. Tully makes a comment about how it makes sense to him that Ellis would choose to worship Odin, and that he thinks that there are many faces of religion but underneath they are all the same and everyone is striving for the same thing, so people need to get over it a bit, because everyone is trying to get to the good place and not go to the bad place of fire and brimstone. Tully also makes a comment about how atheists don’t think that there is a meaning to life, which I disagree with…I’m an atheist- I don’t believe in a god or supreme being of any kind, but I do think that life has meaning and there is a meaning to life, it just generally is not an overarching meaning that applies to everybody. I think everybody needs to find meaning in their own life, everybody needs to have their purpose, otherwise there is no life there is just existence. Blahblahblah…I’m getting off recap topic, I’ll shut up…anyone wanting to jibber jabber with me about life and philosophy, my handle is jennimazky on everything because shit is simpler that way.

 

You know what’s a religion? Judaism. And I don’t quite think that was the segue used to get on to the topic of World War II and Hitler and his evil little mustachioed self, but that’s the one I’m going to use and you’re powerless to complain about it to someone who cares, because I sure don’t care about your complaint. Listen to the show on Thursdays if this bothers you. God…that was bitter. But, whatever, Hitler makes me cranky. To be fair, I know that Hitler was brought up by Ellis because he was watching some sort of documentary last night and there was a bit about how Hitler and some guy with the actual last name Porsche made the Volkswagon together. But, that’s not really enough of a reason for Ellis to give up his Porsche. Hitler was bad, guys, he did bad things to lots of people and if he was alive today his twitter would be full of things hashtagged #sorrynotsorry because motherfucker was not sorry about any of it. Except maybe for the bit where America got involved and stomped on his ass.

 

After the first break it’s time for shark news…but first Ellis talked about his heart some more and the upcoming surgery on the 20th and how he can’t have caffeine so he wants some Chamomile tea. Tully is taken aback about Ellis’ desire for the tea drink, and Ellis says he wants a hot drink but can’t have caffeine and he knows that kind of tea has no caffeine in it. Tully suggested a cup of decaf, but Ellis said that there was still caffeine in it and eventually the discussion wraps up in Tully suggesting that of course he should consult his doctor before drinking a cup of decaf if there is still the chance that there is caffeine in it. Which there is a minimal amount of caffeine. I just read an article about it. To the shark news bit, a man in New Zealand was long distance swimming to raise money to save the dolphins when a great white shark swam up under him and then he was saved by a pod of dolphins. It’s easily google-able and no, I can’t include the link, because my laptop is a shitstorm of shit and can’t do anything right now. I apologize, and I mean it, I had all sorts of plans for this post before my laptop decided to have issues.

 

This is also where they got to the photos of everyone’s ‘7 things’ which you can look at on Ellis’ facebook page (Facebook.com/ellismania) and they made fun of Kevin a lot for the really geeky, nerdy things that were included in him, including a 10,000 dollar Walking Dead comic book. I wish I had a $10,000 comic book. Like…really really bad. I could definitely then buy a new laptop. And get my car fixed. Did I mention that I also need to get my car fixed? For like…three months now. But…whatever…at least I don’t need my car to write this. They were in the middle of talking about everyone’s 7 Things pictures when Tom Green arrived at the studio. They then talked with Tom Green for like two and a half hours. Seriously. I actually had to brain check myself because I kept waiting for there to be a break and then my app hadn’t really fucked up until maybe the last five or so minutes of Tom Green being on and I was like, did it fuck up and skip ahead and miss a break and I didn’t even realize? But no..because at no point have they been talking and then were all of a sudden talking about something else and didn’t make sense. So no…there was no fuck up…it was just a super duper long segment.

 

I really suck at recapping interviews. Tom Green was on the show for two and a half hours and they talked about a shit ton of stuff. They talked about Ellis being on the Tom Green show and really liking the Skype thing that they did on Tom Green Live, so he pseudo-stole it (pseudo-stole is where you take something but you give props to the people who thought of it first) and they have been doing it on the show with some decent success. They talked about who Tom Green has had and would have sex with, except not really, because Tom Green tries to keep his personal life personal, which is so boring of him no matter how good of an idea it actually is, and oh, Tom Green was repping Red Dragons hard with stuff that they sent him for free, which is awesome. They talked about skateboarding, performance anxiety and how it stresses them both out and Tom Green now goes to the gym to try and help deal with it. Tom took a decent amount of calls and answered questions about Freddy Got Fingered, and he told a few good stories, including one which culminated in him possibly getting banned from the entire state of Nebraska. I mean, it’s Nebraska, so it’s kind of who cares (according to this bitch who lives in New York and really doesn’t know where Nebraska is on a map because she’s real bad at the geography of the United States, but killer on geography everywhere else- go figure). I’d definitely recommend catching the replay or downloading the on demans episode of today’s show, because like I said, I suck at recapping interviews. Especially when they are long. If it were short and had a beginning, middle, and end it would be easier, but they just kind of shot the shit for a couple of hours and…I don’t know…maybe I just don’t like Tom Green that much. I mean, I like him, but, maybe only like half an hour at a time. He punched the punch pad even though he thought he was going to break his hand. He got a 39, which isn’t absolutely terrible, but isn’t that great either.

 

This is where my app fucked up, but, like I said, I think I only missed like the last five minutes of Tom Green being there, and when I got back they were coming back from a break and talking about John Jones who apparently said something fucked up on instagram and is trying to say that his account was hacked and that the only thing the hacker did was say that one thing before the hack was done and John Jones was back in control. Ellis called bullshit and told him to take responsibility for his actions. They talked a little bit about Ellis’ appearance on Live on Call with Dr. Drew from Tuesday, where, if you listened to Tuesday’s show you know the topics that Ellis was there to talk about. He said that throughout his time there Dr. Drew took his pulse three times, which is something that I suppose is something your close doctor friend would do after you were just in hospital, but there was some speculation from Tully that Dr. Drew just wanted to fondle Ellis and take their bromance to another level. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnddddd…..thata’s about all that you are getting from me tonight because my kid wants me to cuddle him before bed and….I love him…..and….of course final callers were useless!!!!!!!!!

 

Things we learned on the show today:

 

It’s good to be alive

 

Being adrift at 20 is acceptable, being adrift at 40 is scary as shit

 

Adam Corolla is King of The Valley, because he IS The Valley

 

It’s hard for barbarians to appreciate the lives of little people aka kids

 

If you find a way to make religion make sense to you, then just go for it

 

Herpes shouldn’t be a deal breaker

Tully and Ellis would probably have survived if Hitler was around, but it would suck without Pinik and Lenny Kravitz

 

Jesse Owens won the Olympics during WWII and then had to come back to America, sit in the back of the bus, and drink from a different water fountain (and that is fucked up and why I’m so glad to be around now)

 

Kevin can’t live without his Ninja Turtles Cartoon Box Set

 

Ellis can’t live without his meds

 

Tully can’t live without Selzer

 

Jetta can’t live without Nike and baby wipes

 

Will can’t live without Mountain Dew

 

Jetta throws his used baby wipes in the trash instead of flushing them

 

Tom Green loves Mexican food and Mexican women

 

The Voice would be a way more interesting show if Adam Levine still had acne

 

Ellis and Tom Green need to go skateboarding together

 

Ellis plans on skateboarding more after his surgery

 

It is inconsistent to sell bongs

 

Ellis can put out the call to any town or city in America and get callers…boom

 

A magician would be cooler if he wore normal asshole clothes

 

Ellis fixed his first automobile ever the other night- A Krazy Kart, but he couldn’t get a transformer toy to transform into a truck

Show Recap for Thursday, 11/7/2013

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I’m trying to think of a clever opening line for this and failing miserably. Boom. But that’s kind of okay because the keys of a keyboard are kind of like buttons and sometimes you have to press buttons that you don’t remember pressing because you are stupid, or getting old, or have some sort of disease or something- Jason Ellis. And, really, when it comes down to it I am both blonde and a female, so…yeah…stupidity abounds (and I can say that shit because I am female and blonde, and like Jews, we are allowed to make fun of ourselves). Ellis opens up the show talking about getting older and all of the things that go wrong with your body and how you have to stay lubed up on the inside because when shit starts stiffening up is when you start dying. Ellis is going to be an old man with sick swagger because he’s broken his nose so many times it looks like a penis, he has a ridiculously awesome head tattoo, and he’s going to be a multimillionaire with a wrinkly face full of tattoos and wear a suit. Tully talks about how you have to give old guys their props when they go through life sticking to whatever style speaks to them, such as the people who have spent their lives shopping at Boot Barn, or Hair Metal guys who didn’t bitch out and shave their heads when Hair Metal stopped being cool. But, if you’re 40 and a goth and you haven’t gained fame and fortune from being a goth, please wash your face and get a haircut, because that shit is for high schoolers.

Rawdog is looking to change up his look (probably because it takes overall less effort than changing his abysmal eating habits) and wants to start rockin suits on the reg- so long as they are tailored by an old Italian guy named Giuseppe who does a fair amount of fondling during the fittings. He talks about how he considers himself a comic which gets a resounding “You are not a comic you’re just…some guy” from Ellis, which Tully agrees with because comics have to be on and able to throw a funny on any subject matter. Tully tells Rawdog that he is a radio personality, but concedes it would be comical for Josh to walk around in suits handing out business cards touting his comedic abilities. Rawdog also brings to the conversation that he thinks that all three of them should wear matching suits while hosting the show as a throw back to the oh so classy do-wop bands of back in the day. Um…no. Tully is perfectly happy wearing jeans every day and Ellis in a suit is just some tattooed guy who looks like he had a court date in the morning and didn’t have time to change.

Ellis took Tiger to school this morning and played with him in the classroom before the teacher got there. Some other parents were there with their kids, but Ellis had no interest in chatting it up with them (and I don’t blame him because I hate talking to people who think we have something in common because we are in the vicinity of children) so he and Tigs played with a bunch of buttons on a table which did nothing and the younger Ellis said it was lame. However, one of the parents took the opportunity to talk to Jason and say how a couple of weeks ago her husband was at the school DJ-ing a little kiddie dance party. Which is so not lame. Also, Tiger made waves and was crowned the King of Kiddie Dance Party Time by headbanging to the music, making all the little girls swoon. Is anyone surprised about Tiger’s inherent awesomeness? No. He has Ellis blood running through his veins and he’s a hardcore little long-haired tyke who is too much of a man to wear his long hair in a ponytail. Ellis tells a story about his mom getting him a job as a bar back and he hated it because he had to wear a shirt and tie and his hair in a ponytail, and says he would have been so embarrassed by someone he knew seeing him that way.

Wilson is getting laid. In fact, he probably got laid last night, so no wonder he’s such a happy go lucky guy. Who isn’t a little happier when they’re plowing with impunity and getting blown like it’s no big? Although, it must be a strange feeling to send dick pics to someone who actually wants them…

Tully regales us with a tale from Twitter. Apparently he follows Jared (the guy who lost all that weight in the 90’s by eating Subway everyday and has kept the weight off with a steady Subway diet) and Jared tweeted how he was sosososososo close to 5000 followers and his 5000th follower would receive a signed $10 Subway gift card. Following proper Twitter etiquette, Tully promptly unfollowed Jared, re-tweeted him a bunch of times to get other people to follow Jared while constantly refreshing Twitter to make sure he could be the 5000th follower and get that sweet ass gift card (because that’s TWO five dollar foot longs, mother-fucker). Unfortunately, though his timing was not to be blamed, Tully wound up being the 5009th follower, and lost the gift card to @theblackitalian. Come on, dude, you know the right thing to do. Ellis brings up getting Jared on the show, but maybe that’s not a great idea because while the idea of Jared is hilarious, the person a pud. I mean…being famous for losing weight eating mediocre subway sandwiches may actually be worse than being famous for being famous in the grand scheme of things. But, it would be funny to log on to Ellismania.com and watch a video of Jared and Tully sharing a sub Lady and the Tramp style.

In the Jewish religion…you just die. Rawdog informs Jason that the Jews don’t have a heaven and their faith is about living the present life to the fullest because nothing comes after. Which makes sense. It’s not enough to make me convert to Judaism or anything, but it does make sense. Tully talks about how Jews spend a lot of their money giving back to their communities and thinks it is a genuinely good gesture and yeah, they should get a commemorative plaque for it. If they aren’t going to go to heaven when they die, at least they can live on inscribed on a wall somewhere. Tully broke down the evolution of some major religions is a great way, talking about how Pagans believed that the gods existed and didn’t care about humans more than as a source of entertainment for boredom, Jews believe in God and having a relationship with God, and Christians believe that God loves them and loves them so much that after they die they get to go to Heaven and chill with him for eternity. Yeah…someone thinks a little highly of themselves. Will Scientology evolve to be the next big religion? Maybe. But probably not. For every successful major religion there are countless failed ones…and Scientology really doesn’t have that great of a start considering Ron L. Hubbard was a relatively well known Science Fiction writer…besides, there are many things in our secular world that can be worshipped- like money, sex, and celebs. I think Rawdog is kind of right in saying that celebrities these days are kind of like the Greek gods…they are talked about, fawned over, killed for, and have sex scandals…sounds like some good foundations for Mythology to me.

Speaking of celebrities…Ellis told Katie that she should ask the Maddens (Benji, Joel, and Nicole) where to go to get her hair done, because even if it’s expensive she can get some tips from the hairdresser and she doesn’t want to go to the stylist who did his ex-wife’s hair (because, hello awkward). Being the great guy that he is, he offers to pay for it since they both knew that it would be expensive. How expensive? They ballparked $300 worth of expensive. They were kind of right in the way that if you double that they almost had the right amount. Yeah…for anyone out there who isn’t a mathlete and aren’t sure about that calculation…the haircut cost $650. Holy shitfuck. Let me tell you something…I’m a girl…I have short hair…it costs me twenty freaking dollars to get my hair done!!! Including tip!!!! I would have died on the spot…or somehow tried to figure out how to return a haircut. But Ellis took the news in his stride and simply told Katie that her hair looked great. Good move, Ellismate…good move.

A not so good move was laughing when Devin told him that his underwear was found under Mummy’s couch. Um…what? A pair of boxers were found under Ellis’s ex-wife’s couch by the babysitter and Devin decides to tell Daddy about it while Katie is in the kitchen and not quite out of ear shot. And Ellis, after being confused for a minute, laughed because he knew that they were so absurdly not actually his underwear under the couch since he hasn’t even taken his shoes off under that roof. Katie gave him a ‘really’ face, but Ellis gave her a ‘really’ laugh, because this is the first time in his life that he has not been cheating in a relationship and he’s not about to feel guilty over something that he didn’t do. Ellis sent a text to his ex who also LOL-ed over it and the issue was dropped because Ellis doesn’t even care enough to know whose underwear it was. All Ellis is trying to do is be the ultimate radio show man, the ultimate father, and the ultimate overall version of him. And yeah…the Ultimate Father would be a cool reality show, but The Ultimate Mother would be fucking insane. It would be the Real Housewives meets the mothers from Toddlers in Tiara’s, with a good dash of Road Rules/Real World Challenge thrown in. For the win.

After the break the guys come back to revisit a story they talked about a day or so ago regarding a man in New Mexico who, after being pulled over by local police and observed clenching his buttcheeks, was subjected to hours of probing, enemas, x-rays, and endoscopy to find drugs he was allegedly hiding in his butt somewhere…that didn’t actually exist. Why did the story pop back up? Because a second man has come forward from the same area stating that he was subjected to the same treatment after a similar traffic stop. Both incidences involved the use of a K-9 drug sniffing dog who indicated the men had drugs on their person, which gave the judge probable cause to sign a warrant for the procedures to be performed. But, a big BTW, the dog in question’s certification lapsed in April 2011, over a year before the first incident. Some more problems with this situation? The officers took the man to one hospital where the doctors flat out refused to perform the procedures so they took him to a second one which was out of the county (invalidating the warrant) which took so long the warrant expired before they got there. Not enough drama for you yet? Well, this man spent the next few hours undergoing multiple x-rays, two invasive cavity searches, three enemas, and a colonoscopy (presumably in the presence of a partridge and a pear tree because…of course). Oh, and let me say again, they found NO DRUGS. So, this guy was anally raped by doctors acting on orders of policemen with permission from a judge on evidence from an outdated (?) drug sniffing dog for the heinous offense of squeezing muscles in his butt after being pulled over for rolling a stop sign in a fucking parking lot. There’s no coming back from that shit. ANNNNNNNNNND…now there’s some guy who came forward alleging that this shit has happened more than once. It’s not aliens in New Mexico, guys, it’s the cops…all those people just didn’t think anyone would believe them. Multiple calls were taken on the subject and everyone agrees that it was excessive (even though we really don’t know the whole story) except, i think, for a State Trooper, and hopefully this guy gets a ridiculous settlement from the police and the hospital (who billed him for his rape) and a bunch of these assholes get fired and New Mexico police institute some sort of competency standard or a better system of anal search checks and balances.

After talking about this Ellis decides that when he grows up he wants to be a vigilante Detective Robin Hood so that he can turn people’s lives away from crime using some torture and choice words. He thinks that if you bring someone to the edge of death and tell them to turn their lives around that they’ll listen, because almost dying tends to make people want to live better. Rawdog wants to vicariously enjoy the vigilante lifestyle so he volunteers to be Ellis’s remote hacker, which will end up with them both being caught as Rawdog tries to Google how to hack electronic locks.

Time for Moto News!!! There’s gonna be a race!! In Paris, France. The fans are excited and Wil Hahn has been training and he feels comfortable and ready. Moto News- TJES will bring it up and talk about it even if nothing is going on. What to take away from this? There is going to be a race, there will be dirt, Wil Hahn is ready, and it’s in France.The End. The fact that I’m not joking kind of makes it funny.

Now, the moment that we have all been waiting for for some time now. The real story behind Rawdog’s youthful circle jerk. Here’s the sitch- back when Josh was still Josh and not also Rawdog and was in middle school he had some friends over on Thanksgiving, whom we will only know as Felix and Oscar. After filling up their bellies with yummy Thanksgiving goodness, they play some computer games and hang out in Josh’s room where they start looking at French Playboy’s from Josh’s family trip to France earlier in they year. They were gifted to him by his Belgian Stepfather (which is really a whole other story that needs to be told after Rawdog sees a hypnotherapist to recall those memories) and the boys talk about their jerking off habits while leafing through the pages and reading passages aloud to each other in pubescent voices and poorly enunciated French, fantasizing about what the fuck it says. Felix (who years later turns out to be gay) is who initiates the jerk-off conversation and states he beats the meat, “like five times a day, NBD” and Oscar and Josh both tout their own jacking off habits. Skipping ahead to bedtime, the boys are all laying around in the dark shooting the pre-sleepy time shit when Felix things it would be funny for them all to jerk off together to see who finishes first. Oscar is down for it because, why not, and Josh, although feeling weird about it agrees to partake with a resounding “Okay”. Felix finishes first (since obviously he was already halfway there the entire night to begin with), Oscar comes in a close second (haha…comes…get it?), and Josh is last…which no one can fault him for since he was probably intimidated in the presence of the older 13 year olds.  A year later while they’re all hanging out Josh decides to bring up the incident which causes the trio to promise that they will keep the events of that night a secret for the rest of time. Or until now. Cause, way to go,Josh.

A video has surfaced online taken by a Brazilian girl which features Justin Bieber sleeping and said Brazilian girl blowing a kiss to the camera, which has sent the rumor mill a-buzzing. Because some people actually care about this shit. And they’re probably all underage. Is this girl a stalker? A brazilian prostitute? A creepy/lucky fan? How did she get in his room? Why doesn’t the kiss she blows the camera say “I fucked him” definitively enough? Why didn’t someone see her doing this? Isn’t he always with security? Isn’t his security all about telling people to not take pics of the Biebs? I don’t know and I don’t fucking care and no one else should either. Although, I guess I can see the allure if celebs are an allegory for Pagan gods, but I’m also an atheist so I still think it’s fucking stupid. In way funnier and more interesting news a man has been arrested after using a tazer on his wife. Which, yeah, okay, that’s not really funny or interesting until this next part where it was agreed upon in the terms of a bet on a football team between the hubbs and wifey. After getting tazed bitch was none to pleased and called the cops who arrested the guy because it’s a crime to use a tazer on someone, even if they agreed to it and admit that they agreed to it. Probably because people have died from that shit. And yeah, that makes it funny to me. In some more random news, Arianna Grande (singer/actress) gave an interview to a magazine recently where she told a story about encounters with demons, basically labeling herself as batshit insane. She encountered the demonic presence initially in Kanasas, which then followed her to her hotel room a couple weeks later where she was confronted with growling, rumbling noises, dark shadows, and feelings of dread to the point where she cried and fell asleep apologizing to the dark spirits while on the phone with a friend. Ellis, Tully, and Rawdog then break down that bitches who see ghosts are cool, bitches who see bigfoot are gnarly, and bitches who see demons have some mummy and daddy issues. And, in case you weren’t sure you were being harassed by a demonic presence, there are some surefire signs to either settle your mind or terrify you to death which Rawdog googled, but I re-googled and found them for you here. You’re welcome. Or I apologize for enabling your laziness.

Time for some guests because Joanna Angel and her friend Lindsay have found the new studio!!!! Joanna thinks the new studio is crazy and feels kind of weird there, but her and Lindsay agree that the couch from Grant Cobb is awesome, and Tully takes their picture on it because theirs are the first female asses to touch it. Joanna Angel has a Fleshlight which you should go and buy because we’re all friends here and there’s no need to pretend that you aren’t in to that sort of thing. She mentions that she didn’t realize how long it’s been since she’s been on the show until she met Karla (Josh’s girlfriend…you know…Rawdog? Rawdog’s girlfriend) which I believe happened at Ellismania. During this 10 minute meeting Karla told Joanna what turns out to be a secret that Joanna brings up, not knowing that it was a secret since Karla told her about it off the cuff after talking to her for 10 minutes, which Rawdog promises to tell Ellis off of the air. Ellis is a little miffed that Joanna is apparently in deeper with Karla after a chat than he is with Rawdog after being friends with him for years. But whatever. If you were ever wondering what Ellis would be like as a chick, you need look no further than Joanna’s friend Lindsay. Ellis says that he follows her on twitter and instagram (and no I didn’t get her handle because I was trying to run my kid to the toilet so he didn’t vomit on the floor for the 3rd time during the show because he doesn’t like the ‘just in case’ bowl) and she and her girlfriend remind him of himself and Katie. Joanna and Lindsay then assist in a re-enactement of Rawdog’s boyhood circle jerk (scroll up a paragraph or two if you don’t remember) and Joanna gets comfortable in the studio, lying on the floor portraying Oscar, because a good guest shows up, but a great guest gets into character.

Ellis is, or rather was (at this point) on HLN with Dr. Drew tonight and hopefully you tuned in to watch him Live in his awesomeness talking about subjects in the news like the mayor of Toronto who refuses to stop drinking, stop smoking crack, and stop being mayor. How will Ellis be introduced on the show? Why, as Jason Ellis- Sirius XM Host, Author, Pro-Skateboarder, and Philanthropist, of course. Ellis took a minute to spell it all out, and didn’t understand why Tully said it was ironic that Ellis asked how to spell ‘author’, but that’s one of the many reasons we love the man, isn’t it? He didn’t let not really being able to read stop him from being a NY Times Best Selling Author. Red Dragons.

Time for final calls, where final caller Jory (like Cory, but with a J and a big dick) doesn’t die and tells us about being in a truck stop in France where the big trucker at the urinal next to him stares him down while jacking off, but Jory doesn’t do anything but keep peeing because they guy doesn’t try to touch him and that’s cool, sometimes you gotta get your shit done and he isn’t homophobic. He does have a douchebag older brother who got him and his friend drunk on 99 Bananas when they were too young, pretended the cops showed up and had him and his friend guzzle ketchup and mustard to avoid arrest. But it’s okay, cause they threw up in his bed.

Things we learned today:

Cullen is better than Tim Armstrong

Wilson’s knee is swollen from all the pussy pounding he’s doing

Mitzvah’s are for everyone

There’s a massive hurricane hitting the Phillipines’…so massive that it’s the largest hurricane ever recorded with expected 235 mph winds (keep your fingers crossed for those guys, in other words)

Tim Kennedy won his MMA fight, but the Troops he did it for were the real winners

Starbucks is giving vets free tall coffees on Veteran’s Day

Bitches be triflin’

Ellis jacked off while staring down a seal…in the ocean…on a jet ski

Over the years, Rawdog has ejaculated enough to fill 2 1/2 2 liter soda bottles

Ellis believes in gluten free donuts

Tully misses being young and dating crazy chicks

When Lindsay bends over to take off her shoes, everyone is a winner

When Lindsay orgasms in real life and simulated situations she says “Success” and “Thank you”

Rawdog thinks the circle jerk situation was creepy once Tully is narrating it…and yeah, Felix was gay the whole time

You have to be mature to be a slut

And in case you didn’t know, or in case you forgot, there’s a contest being held here at No You Are which is sponsored by Onnit and you should enter because how fucking sweet is that?!?!?!?!?!?!? Remember, all the answers can be found here on the site. May the odds be ever in your favor ;)

 

Show re-cap for Thursday, 9/19/2013

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Welcome to Dogcenter with Rawdog and Tully, you are not that important because you are covered in shit. Ha. Ellis isn’t there because he was involved in a fender bender in his truck, but he’s okay, and he’s on his way to kick Josh out of his chair as soon as possible.

While we’re waiting, let’s have a discussion about religion and shit. It’s not the devil in the details, ladies and gentlemen, it’s the shit. Rawdog’s mom would prefer that he would give her Jewish grandchildren since he is religiously a lost cause but he still enjoys Latkas. Tully pipes in a few times about how he would rather have Thanksgiving…but…the last time that I checked being Jewish doesn’t make you un-American and therefore Thanksgiving is still around. But, whatevs, because allllll religions are one big joke and they are based on silly rules that a bunch of people made up a thousand years ago that barely make any sense. Except for that whole thing about not staying in the same house as a woman who is menstruating…that is just good old fashioned common sense made legitimate by saying it was passed down from God.

Holy Water is dirty. Like, really dirty. Not all that surprising considering that human beings are walking shit infested poop factories who won’t join in the fight to not be so disgusting by attempting to wash their hands competently. Yes, there is good bacteria that helps keep different things in and out of our bodies, but that’s an argument against bathing in Purell every 6 seconds- not a reason to forgo soap in the bathroom. Everybody poops, it’s a fact. There are books about it that we give to children and it’s something I personally painstakingly had to tell my stepson recently during potty training because he was deathly afraid of pooping for some reason. Everybody poops and then a staggering 80-90% of humanity then doesn’t wash their hands properly. And then we touch our faces every 7 seconds. I am so glad that OCD keeps me diligently burning the skin off of my hands while I scrub and I am practiced at not touching my face. Though it doesn’t really matter since the rest of the population doesn’t share my neurosis. Tully is rather enjoying his new-found awareness of increased face touching because his scruff is delightful.

So maybe we should work on a shit vaccine- what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. Sprinkled in with this was talk of genetically modified foods, the goods and the bads of science interfering in nature, and we’re all taking antibiotics unwittingly because it’s in the meat we eat (yay bacon, boooo vegans). Also, Alter Boys Behaving Badly and stealing sacramental wine (or sacramental to be because no one is ballsy enough to steal Jesus’ blood) and vying for funeral positions so they can make 3 to 5 bucks- which is like 7 bucks in today’s currency.

Ellis arrives and regales listeners with the tale of his accident. Apparently traffic lights in LA go out all of the time and they put up dinky little stop signs that can’t be seen from larger vehicles. This resulted in a girl driving into the back of Ellis’ truck while he was en route to the skate park in Venice Beach with Katie and Tiger. But it’s all good, cause Ellis is in a good mood, no one got hurt, and everything is going to be okay because there is a Chronic Colonic on the way. He did, however, have to call AAA to tow him because his stock tires are under lugnut lock and key and the dealer never gave him a key. Bastards in Vegas just want all the keys to themselves. Ellis talks about how he wants to do more Daddy things, and he saw the Metallica Movie last night. Which was weird. The movie part. The concert footage was amaaaaazing. It’s the best ticket to see them that you could ever buy because the cameramen are so close you are right up James Hetfield’s ass. In. 3. D. Gabe Ruediger asked Ellis if he was okay, which is ironic as in a few weeks at Ellismania 9, they will be trying to kill each other in the ring. Unfortunately it seems there won’t be a newleywed fight, because I am too chicken to call into the show.

With Hollywood news comes news of famous people doing drugs, like Zac Efron partying it up his nose with Charlie Sheen (who calls bullshit and says it only happened once) because he’s sad his parents are trying to make sure he doesn’t completely fuck up his life and because he will always be ‘that kid from High School Musical’. Nick Carter is blaming his former party problem on Paris Hilton, and says he has permanent brain damage from too much Ecstacy, but I don’t know if anyone would really ever notice that. Jack Nicholson also admits to doing drugs since the 60s and I believe that no one is surprised about this (except for that whole castration fantasy thing…yikes). A lady in the Hamptons woke up in the middle of the night to find Alicia Keys partying in her kitchen, which is fine since apparently Alicia Keys is way cool and I should head to the Hamptons and try to chill with her. The Expendables 3 will see back most of our favorites from the prior 2 movies, has added some new blood, and is in talks with Frasier for a role. Yes, Frasier aka Kelsey Grammer, may be an Expendable. Patrick Dempsey is a race car driver, who really sucks at race car driving, but if that’s his bliss then be happy you were Dr. McDreamy and you have the money to pay for your hobby. And Kanye West…where did you even come up with the idea of needing a carpet in your dressing room ironed? Really?!?!?!?!? Do carpets get wrinkly? Or do you like to take off your shoes and have warm toes? Please get over yourself for fuck’s sake.

This weekend Ellis is going to be back in New York to see the Metallica Show at the Apollo. He’s coming with Katie and it’s their anniversary weekend (aw) but feel free to approach him if you’re a fan of the show because he’s down to hang and will probably not punch you and you have up to 4 chances to take a decent picture with him. After Ellismania he will be touching down in Panama to the sounds of Panama, no matter how much he has to fight with the stewardess and the locals about it. It sounds like a nifty vacation and hopefully he will be celebrating an Ellismania win due to his hard training and not due to him having a thicker face than Gabe.

We have an exciting guest today!!!!! Or not. It’s just Will. He’s back from following Pink Floyd around and it’s time to play ‘let’s fix the phones on the air because that’s the only time we can do it’. It’s a fun game. Meanwhile The Fucking Animal Will Pendarvis Butt Judge tells us how he doesn’t want to go backstage- he wants to be in the moment and truly enjoy seeing flying pigs and planes crashing into the stage without seeing how it works. There will always be something to complain about on the show, despite everything being in the process of getting fixed, because one day…one day there will not be marshmallows for the lattes. It’s a damn hard cruel world that they are operating in, overlooking the Hills of Beverly in mood lighting with liberty and James Hetfield for all.

And then, an actual guest, even if only for a moment. And I missed his name like 8 times in a row…so insert that guy’s name here. He is the real and true King of the West on the radio and is going to be getting in the SiriusXM game. He is the ruler of the LA based on bumper stickers alone, a self-made man former illegal immigrant who wears t-shirts once and then throws them away (or maybe donates them…he seems like a good guy…he can donate them) and hosts a Spanish Speaking radio show that is a big deal. Bigger than Stern, bigger than Ellis, but in Spanish- so it’s cool. Ellis, Tully, and Rawdog are all excited to meet him and are looking forward to working together and becoming buds.

Speaking of bud…ohhhhhhh segue skills…they’re wrapping up the show practicing techniques for the Chronic Colonic which will be taking place tomorrow. Rawdog is on the chopping block to be the lucky man who gets to reverse feltch Kevin Craft, and watch out for the rage if he gets weed smoke farted in his face. Because that’s his trigger, Tully need not wonder or search. Tully will be shopping for supplies because they decided that, along with the baster, they are going to need some tubing. Tully has probably already been to Walgreens for the $13.99 douche enema water bottle kit and balloon that will be the solution to any problem they have thought of. And duct tape. Duct tape can do anything.

Things we learned:

Rawdog is going to be releasing a solo album which he is playing coy about until after the new release from Death!Death!Die!

Shit is the key to the holiness of all religion and the winner is…Indian Hinduism and the Ganges

Rawdog and Tully cannot work the phones

When you’re 70, you’ll be having the same conversations you had at 50 and you won’t know it, and you won’t remember this either, so you’ll be fine about it

SiriusXM wants to be more involved in Ellismania because…FUCK YEAH!!!!

Fleetwood Mac is the greatest live performing band of all time

Homework sucks

Alcohol withdrawal will kill you…most other drugs are only as dangerous as their paraphernalia (in the long term…don’t do drugs…drugs are bad)

Randy Coutoure is an actor

Australian Hooligans wear pink sunglasses with pink tank tops and will kick your ass if you make fun of them at Cricket Matches (aka Everybody Let’s Get Wrecked Matches)

The girls at Cosmo should probably consider not masturbating in public while eating Gyros

The Egyptians make really good cotton

You can get Ellis to pee on a custom made $20,000 vagina couch for the extra low price of $4,000