Devon Ellis! You better not be reading this or we’re going to tell your mummy and daddy, young lady!
It’s Thursday and people are testing my shit, what’s up with that shit, huh? Fuckin’ hell. Space helmets, Prometheus robot sticking a finger in your drink, and World War Z idiot. I don’t know what any of that is about (thanks work) and next thing I knew they were talking about having crazy gills, being able to swim like a dolphin, looking like an old shriveled ball sack, and swimming at the bottom of the ocean. Aquaman and old fish people could not swim as fast as a shark. So, everybody good and lost like me? Fantastic! Let’s see how much more I can miss because people are fucktarded. When’s the last time you hung out with an old guy and he wasn’t an ex-marine? Rawdog thinks he’ll be a cool old person and thinks he’s an “old soul” plus he likes camomile tea. Ellis’ ex, Andrea, thinks Ellis is racist against the Jews, but in reality he only hates Rawdog and her ex-boyfriend.
Rawdog thinks his sister, Dumb-Dumb Snaggle-Tooth, is smart – like all the Jewish girls he knows or ever met, including his mother and Nana. He also thinks Asians are generally smart, but he can’t explain why they can’t drive and there are no Asian Nascar champs – go figure. Tully, on the other hand, thinks Albanians are stupid, genetically pre-disposed to be dumb as fuck. Remember yesterday how Ellis talked about his daughter seeing some stuff online? Yeah, well, turns out No You Are might be partially to blame for that. So uh… sorry about that! Makes sense though. NYA is written by a bunch of 8 year-olds. KACHOW! Let’s just pretend that didn’t happen and move on, cool? Cool. So uh, you on some of that d-ball son? It’s slang for “Duribol” which is an anabolic steroid typically injected in your ass.
There’s a new anti-gay law in Russia, if you have any kind of homosexual propaganda and you could be fined and spend time in the polar clink. What’s even more weird is that unbeknownst to Rawdog, his girlfriend texted Ellis to ask him not to do anything to Rawdog’s cock and balls anymore now that he’s using them more. Ellis wants to have an Alice In Chains party and play more Alice In Chains on Faction. So the guys went through a bunch of their songs and picked out several to be put in rotation. This moved into some Elvis Costello song searching, but just for a bit because there’s just not enough time to delve into his deep tracks. When I suggested more Oingo Boingo and Rawdog agreed, it earned him a dick punch and me another lashing from Ellis and Will. So far today NYA has been bad and now me, I swear, this is not how my mother raised me! Corey Taylor (Slipknot) has a new book out that deals with the supernatural. It’s called: “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven: (Or, How I Made Peace with the Paranormal and Stigmatized Zealots and Cynics in the Process)” God damn that’s a long title. Brian Stann has retired from the UFC. That’s enough news for you, now it’s time for the Google auto-complete game that you don’t get to play, so there! I’ll tell you this much, Ellis and Rawdog have both gotten plane boners before, on long plane rides with some vibration and viola, they had plane boners. We were all having lots of fun with the game. And then Mayhem walked into the studio and brought that shit to a loud, screeching, halt.
After a break and prepping for Mayhem’s antics, we came back to Hollywood news. Luckily for you, I was stuck in traffic so you’re going to get the abriged version. Justin Bieber peed in a mop bucket, Lil Twist got nabbed for DUI with a blunt in his hand, Joe Rogan has a new show on SciFi, and then there was some other stuff. The leader of the Church of Scientology, yeah, his wife has been missing since 2007 – nobody knows where the hell she’s at or heard from her and anyone who asks about her is told that it’s none of their business. Sounds legit. Johnny Depp wants to buy the Wounded Knee site and give it back to the Oglala Sioux Tribe. Jason Ellis’ mom (technically, he’s Hollywood, right?) texted him to say she just watched the Howard Stern interview with him and says she never protected his father or something. There’s a new movie out called Sharknado, it’s on TV tonight, and it’s full of C and B movie stars. This movie makes me think the guys should make Jewclone. It’s a cyclone full of the Jews in the Holocaust, sounds pretty good right? What about a porno called Jewkkake? No? Fine.
Mayhem has a new clothing line and he wants to sponsor Ellis, the deal? Ellis will do it as long as Mayhem never tweets Dana White again, ever. No deal, of course. And that pretty much wraps up today’s recap. Thanks for stopping by and reading, we hope you return tomorrow for another exciting recap filled with laughter, important life lessons, and factually true stories like this one. Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first cowboy says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.” The second cowboy can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.” The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis. OH!