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Meeting My Man Crush- Diary of a Fangirl

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This is the worst pic of me ever...but Hubbs and Jude are amazing

This is the worst pic of me ever…but Hubbs and Jude are amazing

It’s been a couple of days since I got to go to SiriusXM in Manhattan and hang out with Rude Jude and to be completely honest…I am still in complete superhappygiddysillybitch mode and am currently spending my days half spaced out reliving the entire experience. From declaring him my #mcm to finding out he was in The City (because that’s what we call it in New York- it’s The City, not New York City) to the DM sesh that held the invite of a lifetime to trudging through the gray slurpee (that’s all Jude btw) that Manhattan is in a snow storm, being on The All Out Show, and hanging with Jude and Hubbs afterward…it was one of the best nights of my life!! No exaggeration. I know of precious few other situations where I could have freezing, soaking wet feet for 8 hours and not even think about being cranky over it.

Where to begin?!?!?!?! In proper story-telling style, and in order to fill in the blanks for those of you who may have not been following the saga (wtf is wrong with you for not examining my life under a microscope, by the way), I will start from the beginning. I was born in 1987…just kidding, really bad joke, I know, but see above re: superhappygiddysillybitch mode.

I first realized I had a crush on Jude over the summer. I didn’t think of it as any big thing, because I like to think of myself as a grown up and everything…but then Jack the Cunt was premiered on TJES and I was basically done for. Or so I thought. Thennnn…I found out Mr. Jude Angelini penned a book by the name of Hyena, which I read (allegedly 4 times to date), and I was truly done for. I smile like an idiot every Tuesday when he is on the show, which makes Hubbs look at me like I am either slightly insane or acting more weird than usual. Imagine my glee when I got an email about NYA doing an interview with new author Rude Jude. I squealed, emailed everyone that I had a crush on him, and went to sleep hoping I would wake up with interview worthy questions. The following monday I bit the bullet and made him my Man Crush Monday on Instagram. He noticed. Then, about two weeks later, he was flying out to New York to do some promoting for Hyena, and that’s where the adventure really begins.

well...this is awkward

well…this is awkward

I nearly exploded last Monday when he told me that I was “more than welcome” to come by the show. That may not even accurately describe my reaction, but I’m trying to play it cool over here, which is something that I suck at. I talked it over with Hubbs, trying to see if it would be possible with work and all (people’s heat likes to break a lot when it snows…and then they get all twitchy about freezing to death) but we decided that, Fuck It, this isn’t something that happens every day and we were going to make it work. I told Jude that I would love to come, he told me that Hubbs was absolutely invited to hang as well, and we figured out the best day and time. I spent Monday through Wendesday night pestering Hubbs that we HAD to leave work EXACTLY on time because, of course, we were getting hit by a snow storm on Thursday and there was NO WAY we were going to be late. No. Way.

such a geek

such a geek

So, yeah…we were late. Super late. I spent the entire morning cursing every snow flake that fell (they weren’t even flakes…they were full on balls…snowman sized balls falling from the fucking sky), double checking the train schedule for delays (because driving to The City at that point was out of the question) and reminding Hubbs that we had to leave EXACTLY ON TIME!!!! I really don’t know how he puts up with my OCD sometimes- the man is a saint. We left work exactly on time.

I'm smiling like an idiot...and so is he (for him)

I’m smiling like an idiot…and so is he (for him)

But the train was delayed. And then it was converted into a local train instead of an express train. SiriusXM is only about 15 blocks from Penn Station, which is nothing, so we hauled ass through calf-deep puddles of dirty, slushy, frozen snow/water grossness and made it there in decent time. I was pretty sure that they wouldn’t let me in the building with my soaking wet feet, but they didn’t spend too much time looking at my feet. I think they were rather distracted by the giant bodyguard that I had along with me. SiriusXM is in a posh building that doesn’t boast the fact that there is a studio inside of it at all, and the lobby just has a handful of guards who stare daggers at you while you walk to the security desk. It was easier getting backstage in Carnegie Hall. They let us upstairs eventually, where we were waylaid by another guy behind a desk, but after some phone calls and DM’s and me checking the time about 7 thousand times, Jude came out to get us.

It. Was. Awesome. He said hi and we all shook hands and he led us back to Shade45’s studio, which is a glass walled high tech wonderdome ensconsed by a dark burgandy purplish curtain. We said hi to Lord Sear and Jude asked why we didn’t have New York accents since we were from New York, but seemed more satisfied that the more we talked the more he could hear it. Hubbs talked to Jude and Sear about the equipment while I sat in awe and wanted to pinch myself because, holy shit, this was really happening. He asked about how I got started with No You Are, and asked about my Filterlessness blog and thanked us for coming down. When it was time for them to get back on air Jude pushed my seat toward the mic pointed to the headphones and told me to “get ready”. I almost pissed myself. Secret time- I’m charming and fearless as fuck on social media, but I’m a fluffy bunny in real life. I don’t talk a lot in front of people I don’t know and I was about to go on air.

holy crap...nervous!!

holy crap…nervous!!

It was a whirlwind. It went so fast and so slow at the same time. We talked about No You Are, my blog, sex, how scary Hubbs looks, sex, sex, and more sex. Needless to say…my daddy will NEVER hear that audio. Ever. I didn’t even want to hear it because I hate the sound of my own voice. Off-air Jude talked about Hyena, about how he spends his days on Twitter and Instagram doing everything that he can to promote the shit out of it, and how he was going to hook up with a hot foreign porn chick later that night. Awesome.

After the show ended he asked what we were up to, if we were gonna hang around in The City at all, and recommended that if we wanted a good Italian spot for dinner we should check out the Olive Garden. Apparently, he loves that joke. We told him we were gonna hang around and have some fun because, why not, and he said he’d walk around with us for a while. First he took us to see Cullen, but Cullen wasn’t there anymore, and Jude told Hubbs to sit in his seat and take a picture to send to him.

Hubbs at Cullen's desk

Hubbs at Cullen’s desk

We laughed about it and I pointed out a rad RDS sticker on the side of his desk, which made Jude ask, “What’s with the Red Dragons thing?” Hubbs told him to ask Ellis, but Jude thought it was disrespectful that he didn’t know anything about it. And he hasn’t read ‘I’m Awesome’. Hubbs explained the whole ‘Red Dragons thing’ and…I didn’t talk much. I think I had my fill on the air. Hubbs, however, didn’t want to be on air all that much, but is a social butterfly so while we walked through Manhattan he and Jude talked about his voice “It’s from smoking too many cigarettes and acid reflux”, riding crotch rockets (Jude doesn’t but Hubbs was trying to convince him to try it out), the gray slurpee that the streets were, promoting Hyena, Ellisfam, how Hubbs and I met and how long we’ve been together, the Bub, everything. Jude talked about deciding to self publish because he didn’t want his book to be changed due to its content in order to please a big publisher and I actually chimed in to say that overall it was a smart idea because publishers care about marketability and a books ability to sell, and with Hyena selling out three times so far on Amazon he’s proving that he has selling power. It then occurred to Jude to ask why we hadn’t brought a copy of Hyena to be signed by him…and well…we hadn’t received our Valentine’s editions (because we ordered 2 so we didn’t have to share- can you feel the love?) and because I’m slightly moronic when I’m a bag of nerves and when I was cleaning out my bag before catching the train I left Hyena in the truck. But, for me, I just have a good reason to bug him in the future. Oh, by the way, if you follow Hyena and Jude as closely as I do, you may know that there were supposed to be three new stories in the Valentine’s Edition and they aren’t there. Jude told me when I said we had ordered the V-day copies because I was excited for the new stories that there were some technical difficulties and he wasn’t able to upload them, which is sad, but…honestly…I’m a writer (I want nothing more in life than to achieve some measure of writing success) and buying two more copies of a book that I already own to support another writer is nbd to me.

Jude for President

Jude for President

We parted ways with Jude downtown after Hubbs gave him a couple ideas of places to go with the chick he was meeting. Jude and Hubbs did that bro hug thing where you’re shaking hands, hi-fiving, and hugging all at once (and I’ll never understand it…just hug…no homo) and Jude gave me a hug and we all told each other that meeting each other was awesome. It still seems crazy how excited Jude really seemed to meet Hubbs and I, and the whole night and experience has left me with the impression that, like Ellis, he is a man who cares about his fans and is truly thankful for them. He even told me that he doesn’t hate on his Instagram doppleganger- so long as that motherfucker promotes Hyena. He loves Ellis, he loves Ellisfam, and he gave Hubbs a night that we will never forget.

So Blurry...sorrynotsorry

So Blurry…sorrynotsorry

Hubbs and I stayed in The City for a few hours afterward, and I won’t bore you with the details because…yeesh…this was long…but I will tell you that when we went to dinner at a wonderful hole in the wall restaurant known only as ‘BBQ- The Original’ the people at the table next to us were talking about the All Out Show. Boom.

Big thanks to Rude Jude and Lord Sear for the good time!!!! It was amazing!!!

 

P.S. At least this nonsense went over sooooooooo much better than when I met Ellis a couple of years ago. My brobro was kind enough to remind me of that meeting yesterday (which is necessary since I was mostly too drunk to remember that Ellis humped me for a full half-minute before I realized it was him…only to turn and say I had thought he was Hubbs…and omg your show is awesome and I love Joe)

 

Jenni Meets Her Man Crush

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Not many females would dare jump at a chance to write recaps on NYA, but @jennimazky did. Not only is she our only female writer who gives a much needed female perspective to the show, she has skills that prove she can not only “hang” with the boys, but beat them at their own game. Today, she got to meet her crush, @rude_jude, and like any good woman would do, she brought along her husband, @Joeyhoops because he’s a fan as well. Without further ado, here is their appearance on The All Out Show with Rude Jude and Lord Sear.

Jenni On Jude

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Bonus: Sexy Talk Time With Roscoe Bravado & Stak Cheda In Dat Ass

Download (link to MP3)

Show Re-cap For Friday 12/7/2012

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Hey mother fuckers it’s time to jump over shit cuz it’s Friday! You know what the Swinghouse needs, a skate ramp sponsored by Slurpee, so Ellis can do his sick ass skateboard moves during the breaks or when ever he damn well feels like. Will’s voice is shot, probably karma getting back at him for sabotaging the buttons. Little Willy Cupcake defended himself in a hilarious mickey mouse during puberty fashion. The guys had a little advice for Rawdog to ease his performance issues during the Wreckoning. Mainly get

The Dolce Diet, apples and nuts!

drunk but not too drunk, like my prom date and she did fine. Ellis’s new maid was finding tiger turds and poopies everywhere, I’m not sure why but in these situations I find it best to not ask any questions. Ellis is also eating eating apple and nuts in accordance with the Dolce Diet. They said something about The Grateful Dead and Jason’s new intern, Lord Sear, the white Canadian one, is kicking ass, just so you know. The UFC goes up to 8% gay with fashion style and flair, and UFC guys fight, cry, something, something, broken bones, mad respect. Some South African chick called in who used to bar fight and wants to fight now but won’t shut the fuck up and probably knows Donald Schultz. Dana White is willing to have an all girl ultimate fighter season. There would probably be less crying and bitchy drama than this season.

Hollywood News, Lindsay Lohan is on bus with Wanted, I don’t know who the fuck they are wither but they probably have coke. The Notorious B.I.G.’s autopsy was released, surprise surprise, he died of gun shot wounds. War should be hand 2 hand? Brazil would kick everyone’s ass and then we would all have massive parades with trannies and girls with great asses. Nicole Kidman’s beaver was mentioned, so here it is. She peed on Zack Effron in a recent movie and that sparked the conversation of who would you like to be peed on? Rose Mgowan, Taylor Swift, Gwen Stephanie, Matt Damon? There was a lot of pee talk which is why I’m now in the bathroom writing this. That’s better. Kidman spoke to Dijour about Tom Cruze and their break up and how it made her sad and shit. Speaking of shit (segway), wanna be bros with Johnny Depp? Just sew your mouth to his ass, then he will be your bro for life! Devito and Perelman working on their marriage and love guru, Taylor Swift doesn’t know how to make relationships work.  Breaking News, Corona Dave spotted the Ellis impostor pumping gas while Elvis washed the windshield.

Here is the entire recap of Tully’s “Women, am I right?” segment. Some chick has Bigfoot DNA, dumbass. A physical therapist becomes double jointed arm wrestling. A 19 year old Nebraska teen stole a car, robbed a bank,  and then put it all on youtube. A  couples 3-some ends in gunshots after the dudes wife falls asleep and wakes to see her hubby tagging the other chick. A 60 year old Florida woman got lubed with olive oil but then asked for Pam and her boyfriend admitted to fucking Pam, she has a boat. A 27 year old Tennessee woman called rape because of bad sex. A Florida girl threatened her date with a kitchen knife and smashed his windows because shes a crazy bitch. Another Florida woman robbed man while having sex while driving, Reddragons to you sir. An Illinois woman hit tree because she was drunk and wanted to see the twilight movie. A woman cut up her boyfriend for taking the last colt 45, gangster. A mom and daughter duo are Fmaking porn together, keep it in the family. A woman burned down her house in fear of ghosts, and possible attic raccoons.  A woman claims to be allergic to wifi. A husband, his wife, and her sister went out and upon returning the girls got into a fight and the sister bit off the wife’s nose. And hoarder has 100 frozen cats, some a little more liquidy than others.

Now thats’ some cold pussy!

Prime minister huge tits declared .end of world so there will be a shortage of Vegimite in the next couple weeks. Don’t forget about Ellis’s auction to hang out with the guys and then go to a strip club and get knee jacked by a law student. Some gay kid in jersey wants an easy bake oven but they only make them in pink and purple. Waaaaaa. And finally, Final calls (conveniently named). Final calls were surprisingly good. They talked about tits, tittys, boobs, sweater meat, fun bags, balloon smugglers, bazoongas, bongos, flappers, love melons, nippleoons, zingers, rib cushions, pompoms, and moo moos. Ellis also made a bet with Josh on the UFC fights this weekend. If Josh gets all 4 cards correct and wins the coin toss (2 out of 3), Ellis will join josh at The Wreckoning slobbing know on some equestrian erection. Then there was talk about moto, lesbians  the friend zone, butt chugging addictions and the eerie silence of confusion, just like yer mums gynecologist makes as he stares into the abyss of her enormous hole of doom, OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 11/20/2012

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Don’t be fooled. This isn’t a young Paul Newman & Clint Eastwood. It’s a young Peter Newman & Carl Eastwood. They were made in Nigeria.

You know it’s Tuesday when I say it is. You can trust me. Ellis has been watching a lot of porn lately and noticing a plethora of weird dicks, testicles, and vaginas running around out there in the wild. He’s also made a decision that he has to stop running and hiding by watching porn, he has to go to Australia and face some demons. Ellis is 41, Faction is on channel 41, and George H. W. Bush was the 41st President – and numbers don’t lie! No idea what that means, but it’s gotta be something, right? Tully always got the cheap shit version of toys, like Transform Bots or GI Jerry (Rawdog got GI Jew, The Great American Hebrew), and staying true to form, Jude used to sharpen popsicle sticks into daggers. Why can’t Ellis just push a “Simulcast” button that automatically patches Jude and his show into TJES? I’ll tell you why, because Swinghouse, that’s why. And why doesn’t Jude have his own show without Lord Sear, called “Rude Awakening” (title courtesy of Tully)? I’ll tell you why, because Lord Sear would smother Jude with cotton candy and gravy and eat him. Rawdog can’t say black names without Jude pissing his pants in laughter, come to think of it, Rawdog can’t say much without somebody laughing until they puke. Jude enjoyed his day off yesterday with some new designer drug that isn’t illegal yet, it gave him a whole body buzz, the lights twinkled, and it gave him the urge to eat butthole – which he did.

Nigeria is kind of a fucked up place, a funny fucked up place.

Now that Jude’s sister has moved in with him, he’s got a new masturbation rig all set up. He props his iPad up on some crumpled up blankets and pillows, proceeds about his business until he starts getting a neck cramp from looking off to the side and that’s his cue to hurry up and bust his nut. Meanwhile, Ellis (aka Dr. Dick) has porn going all the time because if he doesn’t fuck Katie until it changes the way she smiles, she’s not happy. Jude claims that science says that semen makes women happy and I have to agree, haven’t you noticed how your mom comes home in a great mood every night? Dustin called into the show to say he’s fucking his lesbian cousin’s wife, and he’s also living with them. His carpet munching cousin knows they’ve been cuddling and kissing. And who is Dustin you ask? He’s the dude that got shot and hung up on because he wouldn’t turn down his radio and kept giggling like he was in a tickle fight in the green room with Will Pendarvis and Cumtard. Do you have a flesh zipper in the middle of your balls? You should, or you’re a goddamned freak of nature. Scientific proof came in that fat people are not only stupid, but are also happier in general than skinnier people. Which makes sense, if a bag of chips makes your big ass happy, then think what 87 bags of chips could do for you! In Nigerian news today, click-pop-clickity-click-aids-pop-poppity-click! Click-click-pop, clicky-aids-poppy-clickity-pop. The only thing not completely accurate about that last bit was the American accent on the clicks and pops, other than that, it’s spot on.

Not a lot has changed in Nigeria over time, but one of the biggest changes was AIDs.

Who’s ready for a massive burnout? Kranky is and you are too, right? Note the fist and the “we’re number 1” finger in the air – fuckin ledges, mate. Let’s watch another burnout, shall we? Whiteboy Pee (aka Rasta Mayhem Miller) stopped by the show, he’s dyed his hair & facial hair black like Hollywood Hogan and is wearing a new shirt. Mayhem’s been getting bored lately, so he offered Rawdog to put on the Hulk Hands and give him a pop in the face every now and then, so naturally Rawdog put the Hulk Hands on the wrong hand and then proceeded to punch Mayhem as hard as he could in the most friendly way possible – so basically a love tap. Hollywood news time, that umm, guy that does the voice of Elmo? Yea, he’s now resigned after having a second alleged incident with another tight, young, underage boyhole. Jackie Chan’s old and tired and said he’s not going to risk his life anymore to sit in a wheelchair or risk his life to get a disease from having poop in his dickhole. I missed whatever else was said here because bitches be trying to make me work and shit, yo. When I came back, Wayne Coyne, the singer from The Flaming Lips, shut down an airport by packing a fucking grenade in his luggage, which went over about as well as a turd in a punch bowl or a genocide in some poor country. Nas hasn’t been paying his taxes, and so his wages shall be garnished. And like Fletch, you just know he’s going to hate the idea of garnishing his wages. I missed some more of this segment when bitch-ass ass-bitches wanted me to do more work. How dare they!

Today was of course NMT and I know you couldn’t be more excited about it! That’s why I’m going to be a total poop-dick to you and say absolutely nothing about it. Now is about the time I’d ask you something like “what is the different between an abortion and sand?” and tell you that you can’t eat sand. But I’m not going to do that today. No. Instead I’m going to tell you how I normally do my laundry. Step 1: Fill bathtub with warm water. Step 2: Add laundry detergent. Step 3: Place your mother in the bathtub and shoot her up with a nice speedball. Step 4: Wait until your mom starts convulsing in the bathtub. Step 5: Throw my dirty laundry into the bathtub. OH!