You know it’s Tuesday when I say it is. You can trust me. Ellis has been watching a lot of porn lately and noticing a plethora of weird dicks, testicles, and vaginas running around out there in the wild. He’s also made a decision that he has to stop running and hiding by watching porn, he has to go to Australia and face some demons. Ellis is 41, Faction is on channel 41, and George H. W. Bush was the 41st President – and numbers don’t lie! No idea what that means, but it’s gotta be something, right? Tully always got the cheap shit version of toys, like Transform Bots or GI Jerry (Rawdog got GI Jew, The Great American Hebrew), and staying true to form, Jude used to sharpen popsicle sticks into daggers. Why can’t Ellis just push a “Simulcast” button that automatically patches Jude and his show into TJES? I’ll tell you why, because Swinghouse, that’s why. And why doesn’t Jude have his own show without Lord Sear, called “Rude Awakening” (title courtesy of Tully)? I’ll tell you why, because Lord Sear would smother Jude with cotton candy and gravy and eat him. Rawdog can’t say black names without Jude pissing his pants in laughter, come to think of it, Rawdog can’t say much without somebody laughing until they puke. Jude enjoyed his day off yesterday with some new designer drug that isn’t illegal yet, it gave him a whole body buzz, the lights twinkled, and it gave him the urge to eat butthole – which he did.
Now that Jude’s sister has moved in with him, he’s got a new masturbation rig all set up. He props his iPad up on some crumpled up blankets and pillows, proceeds about his business until he starts getting a neck cramp from looking off to the side and that’s his cue to hurry up and bust his nut. Meanwhile, Ellis (aka Dr. Dick) has porn going all the time because if he doesn’t fuck Katie until it changes the way she smiles, she’s not happy. Jude claims that science says that semen makes women happy and I have to agree, haven’t you noticed how your mom comes home in a great mood every night? Dustin called into the show to say he’s fucking his lesbian cousin’s wife, and he’s also living with them. His carpet munching cousin knows they’ve been cuddling and kissing. And who is Dustin you ask? He’s the dude that got shot and hung up on because he wouldn’t turn down his radio and kept giggling like he was in a tickle fight in the green room with Will Pendarvis and Cumtard. Do you have a flesh zipper in the middle of your balls? You should, or you’re a goddamned freak of nature. Scientific proof came in that fat people are not only stupid, but are also happier in general than skinnier people. Which makes sense, if a bag of chips makes your big ass happy, then think what 87 bags of chips could do for you! In Nigerian news today, click-pop-clickity-click-aids-pop-poppity-click! Click-click-pop, clicky-aids-poppy-clickity-pop. The only thing not completely accurate about that last bit was the American accent on the clicks and pops, other than that, it’s spot on.
Who’s ready for a massive burnout? Kranky is and you are too, right? Note the fist and the “we’re number 1” finger in the air – fuckin ledges, mate. Let’s watch another burnout, shall we? Whiteboy Pee (aka Rasta Mayhem Miller) stopped by the show, he’s dyed his hair & facial hair black like Hollywood Hogan and is wearing a new shirt. Mayhem’s been getting bored lately, so he offered Rawdog to put on the Hulk Hands and give him a pop in the face every now and then, so naturally Rawdog put the Hulk Hands on the wrong hand and then proceeded to punch Mayhem as hard as he could in the most friendly way possible – so basically a love tap. Hollywood news time, that umm, guy that does the voice of Elmo? Yea, he’s now resigned after having a second alleged incident with another tight, young, underage boyhole. Jackie Chan’s old and tired and said he’s not going to risk his life anymore to sit in a wheelchair or risk his life to get a disease from having poop in his dickhole. I missed whatever else was said here because bitches be trying to make me work and shit, yo. When I came back, Wayne Coyne, the singer from The Flaming Lips, shut down an airport by packing a fucking grenade in his luggage, which went over about as well as a turd in a punch bowl or a genocide in some poor country. Nas hasn’t been paying his taxes, and so his wages shall be garnished. And like Fletch, you just know he’s going to hate the idea of garnishing his wages. I missed some more of this segment when bitch-ass ass-bitches wanted me to do more work. How dare they!
Today was of course NMT and I know you couldn’t be more excited about it! That’s why I’m going to be a total poop-dick to you and say absolutely nothing about it. Now is about the time I’d ask you something like “what is the different between an abortion and sand?” and tell you that you can’t eat sand. But I’m not going to do that today. No. Instead I’m going to tell you how I normally do my laundry. Step 1: Fill bathtub with warm water. Step 2: Add laundry detergent. Step 3: Place your mother in the bathtub and shoot her up with a nice speedball. Step 4: Wait until your mom starts convulsing in the bathtub. Step 5: Throw my dirty laundry into the bathtub. OH!