2013

Posted on September 26, 2013 by jenni_mazky

Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhyeahyeahyeaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! Because Ellis is playing with the voice mod. TJES quickly jumps into action today after a super brief voice mod monologue where an Evil Kanye West voice makes a quick appearance (can a voice make an appearance? an audioppearance maybe?) to talking about The Dropkick Murphy’s and Bruce Springsteen song ‘Rose Tattoo’ which gets stuck in Rawdog’s head, disappoints Tully, and Ellis just plain hates but admits it’s a good song. Bruce Springsteen may or may not still just be your Average Joe who stumbles out of strip clubs in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday and explains to fans that he willed a million other Bruce Springsteen’s into existence. It’s okay if the only part you cared about there was the bit about the strip club, because that’s the part that the men of the show latched on to (to my girlie fist-pumping delight…you have a dirty mind).

YAY!!! Talking About Sex and Strippers!!!

Ellis states that he has learned a lot from strippers, whether those lessons be good or bad, and ultimately he said he tends to pity dancers for the creeps that they have to deal with like the guy drooling in the front row with his Dance Trance face on. He thinks that being a stripper definitely gives a girl insight into how men are wired because there is at least a little bit of creep in every guy, some people may play it closer to the chest than others. Ellis dated a stripper for 6 years back in the day and he was King of Unemployed Melbourne on the 3 grand he made a month skateboarding and the thousands of dollars his chick made EVERY NIGHT. But there are girls/dancers/strippers who rake in the bucks in such great amounts every night that they turn into cunts who look down on people because they’ve stopped appreciating money and think theirs will last waaaaaayyyyyy longer than the multiple plastic surgeries they will undergo in an attempt to keep making money off of that ephemeral bitch called beauty. Or maybe they can really work the pole and aren’t really all that hot anyway. One lesson to be learned from this? Hard work that leads to success is humbling while easy money makes you a condescending jackass. Give yourself a fucking reality check, having money makes you better than nobody, you still have creepy inside of you.

How much creepy though? Tully finds Mr. Trance Dance face drooling over girls on poles he wished were his pole creepy and wonders if men (he) is just as creepy for wild fantasies used to ‘get the job done’ when the cum isn’t coming for whatever reason. Get the job done. Get over the hump. I never want to be involved in a sex scenario where either of these terms are used because that means I should be fired. Ellis doesn’t think it’s creepy to fantasize things, however wild they may be, to get the job done because you aren’t offending anyone (except for maybe yourself a half an hour later) and it isn’t hurting anybody. But he would stop if a memo got sent to a person every time he thought about busting on them instead of the girl he was with. Tully brings up the situation of men who find it hard to orgasm unless they’re pretending the girl that they are with doesn’t want to be having sex with them and we fall deeper down the fantasy rabbit hole all the way to the Dungeon. Ellis, ever the open minded fellow, has no aversion to trying out a bondage-type situation if it wasn’t so goddamn expensive to have a lady in leather kick him in the balls. But Tully doesn’t get it because…where’s the orgasm? Ellis says he gets it an equates it with mental foreplay, and talks about it being a playground for the rich and powerful who are never dominated in any other aspect of their life, and yeah, most men probably go out to their car and beat off before driving home with sticky fingers, but there are some men who just get amped up. Like the male caller who was whipped by two males (because he’s that kind of polite guy who won’t say no) and kept asking for it harder. Harder! HARDER! Until he felt like he had won. There is a difference between being creepy and having ‘safe words’ for your rape fantasy love life and being a fucked up murderer rapist. Tully said it’s not important to get caught up in how creepy you might be (if you spent the better part of the segment thinking about your weirdest sex fantasy impulses as I did) because they’re just thoughts, and as Rawdog adds- the most important thing is that you possess empathy and impulse control. You are not a fucked up murderer rapist. Ellis dubs himself the Josh Richmond of Creepy sex which makes Josh…the fetus? Or he just may be the Chad Reed of Creepy Sex. They jury is still out. It will probably be back sometime after the Fuckfest that is going down in his room at Ellismania 9.

Do girls think shit like this too? Do girls have weird fantasies to get the job done? Well, you’re in luck because I’m a bonafide female XX chromosome card holder. Yes. We are just as fucked up as you. It’s hot. Just ask Ellis and Tully- the sexiest thing ever is a woman who enjoys sex!!! ‘Girl sex’ where a bitch goes “oh yeah I didn’t cum but I really enjoyed it” is possible, but most likely she’s just not equipped with the balls to say, “wow, I feel like I should sue you for false advertising.” Yes, sex can be enjoyable without orgasm and there are reasons that maybe she didn’t orgasm because yadda yadda girlie shit yadda yadda she is probably thinking about how there’s only expired milk in the fridge and she has to go food shopping. There is NO woman who has a fulfilling sex life when she isn’t reaching the little death more than she is. If she tells you otherwise, send her my way so I can call her a liar to her face.

Tentacle Porn Art

Do girls really think about things just like guys in amounts of potential creepiness? I will provide some evidence when talking about the next bit discussing tentacle porn. You know what I’m talking about. The Anime that is oh so popular in Japan as well as (albeit less) popular all around the world. It’s basically girls getting fucked by Octopus monsters if you wanna pretend you have no idea. So…what’s the deal with that? Tully says that it’s because Japanese men are more on the diminutive side despite their supremely macho culture and there has to be a demand for it because there is a bottomless black hole of tentacle porn movies and animation ain’t cheap. Also, in some cities/regions it’s illegal to show penetration and Tentacle Porn is the wonderful loophole that was stumbled upon. They wondered about how long Tentacle porn has been around and talked about it being just a part of their culture at this point. Insert creepy bitch factor here with an article that I read 3 years ago on tentacle porn which my photographic memory instantly recalled to tell me that tentacle porn has been around since the 18th century. Boom. I’m probably wayyyyyyyy creepier than you are on account of the shit my brain retains.

Attention all Jason Ellis show listeners/cocaine users (since Josh seems to think we are one and the same)!!!!! Did you know that 80% of the cocaine that you are snorting that’s is supplied to this country is laced with a drug Levamisole that is used for de-worming livestock and eats your flesh? There are pictures and it is gross, even though Ellis wants to call bullshit and Tully (and probably many listeners) would like to know exactly why something given to livestock wants to eat human flesh… And as if that weren’t bad enough, Krokodil- a Russian drug similar to heroin has crash landed here in the good old US of A and that shit is guaranteed too rot your flesh from the inside out. So far, two people have been hospitalized in Arizona, and it’s believe those are the first two cases in America. Why do people do drugs anyway? Ellis thinks that some people may just be born to be addicts and then there are people that hate themselves, which is the reason that he did drugs back in the day, he didn’t wanna deal with being in his own head. This whole world going to shit on drugs things seriously bums him out, but he’s cheered up by the fact that there are really only about 200,000 people in America that can be classified as heroin addicts, though there are over a million who are I guess what we would call an ‘occasional user’. The guys all agree that hernoin is that gateway drug for shit like Krokodil, which gives a similar high and is cheaper for when you can no longer afford heroin.

Ellismania 9 is approaching fast and that means so is the Fuck Fest that Josh ‘I’m in an open relationship’ Richmond will be hosting in his room to the chants of “fuck fest! fuck fest!” from a crowd of horny onlookers and Tully while Ellis jacks off the the beat. To re-iterate from yesterday’s show and re-cap- they are looking for a blonde with ginormous tatas, so feel free to tweet a pic of yourself to @radioTFB to see if you are up to snuff. Side note: I told Hubbs that if I were single I would totally be up for this as I am a blonde with big boobies and because his girlfriend is a pornstar so even if Rawdog sucked I’m sure she would be awesome and I wouldn’t just enjoy it, I would orgasm. Probably multiple times. Seriously though, Ellismania 9 hasn’t sold out yet and you should probably go get tickets and join the party because it’s not every day that you can see a Taco fight a Dude with a Blanket. Wilson…what’s in your box? A whole bunch of shit from old movie shoots including some fake blood, a bunch of wigs, and at the verrrrrrrrry bottom some Ellismania related costumes for fights, such as the aforementioned Taco. Ellis wants to employ some hot ladies in sandwich boards to pass out fliers at the Hard Rock in Vegas to promote the show, which seems like a great idea because everyone pays attention to a hot chick in a Team Taco sandwhich board.

Tully thinks he can beat Kareem Abduul Jabar in basketball. Bullshit. But a high school basketball player probably can. The same goes for practically any other sport when it comes to old guy versus high school player. Except for fighting. Sorry caller. If you aren’t practiced in the art of punching a guy in dee face you don’t stand a chance. He’s going to know what you are throwing before you hold your hand up and he will kill you.

The Army has announced that it will soon be banning tattoos on certain areas of the body- like the really visible parts- above the neck, below the elbow and such. Those currently enlisted won’t have to get theirs lasered off or anything crazy like that, but if you’re looking to join up it’s advised that you think before you ink. Elllis and Tully understand this soon to be enforced rule, saying that it goes toward the uniformity of the organization. Josh brought up the point of not wanting to alienate or detract anyone with tattoos from wanting to fight when we are currently emeshed in an ongoing war and need bodies. I guess The Army needs something new to focus on since ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ got thrown out of the window. The Army says “Hoo-Rah’ when they are rushing into battle, even though Ellis likes “Retreat Hell” much better and wants to slap the shit out of Aaron Eckhart for misrepresenting himself in Battle: Los Angeles. Wilson agrees because he wants realism in his Aliens versus the Army movies. Duh.

Helllll Yeah

Time to talk Ultimate Fighter. There is a lot of crying on this season of the Ultimate Fighter, because apparently they’re a bunch of whaaaaaambulances. And because this is the first season with girls. Not that the guys don’t shed a tear or two also. Ellis and Tully say they’re envious of girls just being able to cry and get that release because it must feel great, and intern Vanessa assures them crying is awesome, but…fuck that shit. I hate crying. It’s an unpopular opinion for a girl, but crying is the worst shit ever and I am so glad that I only head to the cry bank for Disney Movies. Ronda Rousey is no holds barred the best female fighter in the world but Miesha Tate beats her in the personality department hands down. Ronda is a coach on the show and is portrayed as very quick-tempered to the point where she interrupts fights between small guys and very large guys at the bar only to get into the larger guys face better than the small guy (the striking coach) can. This probably isn’t the best move for her publicly or privately, which is told to her in the parking lot by Dana White, and she should probably calm the fuck down a bit. Yeah, there is the magic of editing that can be blamed for making someone look done or slightly inflate a trait of a person’s personality, but there is no editing that is going to make you lose your shit every time someone looks at you. While tweeting about the Ultimate Fighter, Ellis received a tweet from the UFC which ullllltimately lead him to tweet with his fave female fighter on the show, Julianna, who basically gave him the equivalant of ‘Hi, who’s your friend?’ And she was talking about Rawdog. Rawdog!!! Lookout Julianna, he’s in an open relationship!!! Avoid Ellismania at all costs!!! Not that it wouldn’t be awesome to have you there, but even I heard the creep smile over the air.

A man was arrested in San Diego after being spotted off the coast and was apparently floating his way from Mexico to America on a duffel bag filled with $23,000 worth of marijuana. Points for creativity. In fact, the guys all agree he should probably just get a pass because…’Merica.

Wolfknives!!!

Wrapping up the show today is a massive list of additions to the Wolfknives Family. Are they all signing up now because they want to go to the secret meeting of the Wolfknives at the Hard Rock at Ellismania? That’s probably not a bad guess, considering the couple of husband and wife names given out today. So…Congratulations to Wheel of Doom, Bicep Whore (LMT), Flame Enthusiast, Captain Hero, Good Burger, Hole Inspector (also congrats on being the Butt Judge’s boss), The Janitor, Brian Power, Team McMraw, Mary Pipenstein, Miguel Gorbachev, Security Tard, The Good One, Good Fat, Marty Friedman, Johnny Deppa, Little Miss Ellis, Hilary Clitoris, Johnny Yayo, The Coke Dealer’s Wife, Kooooooolaaaaaaaggggg, The French Homo, Abbey Load, Lying Murderer, Boo!, Lord of the Dicks, Jerks Off Lightening, The Nightcrawler, These Are Real, Creepy 1, Creepy 2, Chip Dick, Urethra ButtButt, Gabby VagVag, Dr. Greenthumb, The LoaMonger, Homo Therapy, Nocturnal Shitbag, King Nothing, German C-Bomb, Fisted Sister, and Kevlar Dildo.

And, before I forget, the Unlisted Band segment is coming around again so if you have an unsigned band, or maybe are a fan of an unsigned band, send it to Ellisparodies@gmail.com.

Things we learned today:

Ellis would have sex for money because he likes the feeling of power

Ellis has stopped peeing blood but might be doing it again soon as he is fighting a monster at Wildcard tonight

Ellis could never live with a poodle

There is a macho way to hold a purse, but Josh just slings it over his shoulder

Flushable baby wipes suck ass

Being a waitress and being a stripper is basically the same job with different uniforms

Don’t fuck with Lenny’s turf, those are his windows

Tully has an irrational fear of car accidents and is comforted by Heroin being a bigger killer

Ellis fears sharks

Rawdog has a fear of being close to the edge of high places

Josh’s mouth says words, but the buttons say the truth

The Jingleberries made an awesome Fuck Fest theme song

“years young” is what you say when people start getting old

Will’s cell picks up CB Radio communications…let’s see your smartphone do that

Owning an escort service isn’t as glamorous as you might think

Show re-cap for Thursday, 9/19/2013

Posted on September 19, 2013 by jenni_mazky

Welcome to Dogcenter with Rawdog and Tully, you are not that important because you are covered in shit. Ha. Ellis isn’t there because he was involved in a fender bender in his truck, but he’s okay, and he’s on his way to kick Josh out of his chair as soon as possible.

While we’re waiting, let’s have a discussion about religion and shit. It’s not the devil in the details, ladies and gentlemen, it’s the shit. Rawdog’s mom would prefer that he would give her Jewish grandchildren since he is religiously a lost cause but he still enjoys Latkas. Tully pipes in a few times about how he would rather have Thanksgiving…but…the last time that I checked being Jewish doesn’t make you un-American and therefore Thanksgiving is still around. But, whatevs, because allllll religions are one big joke and they are based on silly rules that a bunch of people made up a thousand years ago that barely make any sense. Except for that whole thing about not staying in the same house as a woman who is menstruating…that is just good old fashioned common sense made legitimate by saying it was passed down from God.

Holy Water is dirty. Like, really dirty. Not all that surprising considering that human beings are walking shit infested poop factories who won’t join in the fight to not be so disgusting by attempting to wash their hands competently. Yes, there is good bacteria that helps keep different things in and out of our bodies, but that’s an argument against bathing in Purell every 6 seconds- not a reason to forgo soap in the bathroom. Everybody poops, it’s a fact. There are books about it that we give to children and it’s something I personally painstakingly had to tell my stepson recently during potty training because he was deathly afraid of pooping for some reason. Everybody poops and then a staggering 80-90% of humanity then doesn’t wash their hands properly. And then we touch our faces every 7 seconds. I am so glad that OCD keeps me diligently burning the skin off of my hands while I scrub and I am practiced at not touching my face. Though it doesn’t really matter since the rest of the population doesn’t share my neurosis. Tully is rather enjoying his new-found awareness of increased face touching because his scruff is delightful.

So maybe we should work on a shit vaccine- what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. Sprinkled in with this was talk of genetically modified foods, the goods and the bads of science interfering in nature, and we’re all taking antibiotics unwittingly because it’s in the meat we eat (yay bacon, boooo vegans). Also, Alter Boys Behaving Badly and stealing sacramental wine (or sacramental to be because no one is ballsy enough to steal Jesus’ blood) and vying for funeral positions so they can make 3 to 5 bucks- which is like 7 bucks in today’s currency.

Ellis arrives and regales listeners with the tale of his accident. Apparently traffic lights in LA go out all of the time and they put up dinky little stop signs that can’t be seen from larger vehicles. This resulted in a girl driving into the back of Ellis’ truck while he was en route to the skate park in Venice Beach with Katie and Tiger. But it’s all good, cause Ellis is in a good mood, no one got hurt, and everything is going to be okay because there is a Chronic Colonic on the way. He did, however, have to call AAA to tow him because his stock tires are under lugnut lock and key and the dealer never gave him a key. Bastards in Vegas just want all the keys to themselves. Ellis talks about how he wants to do more Daddy things, and he saw the Metallica Movie last night. Which was weird. The movie part. The concert footage was amaaaaazing. It’s the best ticket to see them that you could ever buy because the cameramen are so close you are right up James Hetfield’s ass. In. 3. D. Gabe Ruediger asked Ellis if he was okay, which is ironic as in a few weeks at Ellismania 9, they will be trying to kill each other in the ring. Unfortunately it seems there won’t be a newleywed fight, because I am too chicken to call into the show.

With Hollywood news comes news of famous people doing drugs, like Zac Efron partying it up his nose with Charlie Sheen (who calls bullshit and says it only happened once) because he’s sad his parents are trying to make sure he doesn’t completely fuck up his life and because he will always be ‘that kid from High School Musical’. Nick Carter is blaming his former party problem on Paris Hilton, and says he has permanent brain damage from too much Ecstacy, but I don’t know if anyone would really ever notice that. Jack Nicholson also admits to doing drugs since the 60s and I believe that no one is surprised about this (except for that whole castration fantasy thing…yikes). A lady in the Hamptons woke up in the middle of the night to find Alicia Keys partying in her kitchen, which is fine since apparently Alicia Keys is way cool and I should head to the Hamptons and try to chill with her. The Expendables 3 will see back most of our favorites from the prior 2 movies, has added some new blood, and is in talks with Frasier for a role. Yes, Frasier aka Kelsey Grammer, may be an Expendable. Patrick Dempsey is a race car driver, who really sucks at race car driving, but if that’s his bliss then be happy you were Dr. McDreamy and you have the money to pay for your hobby. And Kanye West…where did you even come up with the idea of needing a carpet in your dressing room ironed? Really?!?!?!?!? Do carpets get wrinkly? Or do you like to take off your shoes and have warm toes? Please get over yourself for fuck’s sake.

This weekend Ellis is going to be back in New York to see the Metallica Show at the Apollo. He’s coming with Katie and it’s their anniversary weekend (aw) but feel free to approach him if you’re a fan of the show because he’s down to hang and will probably not punch you and you have up to 4 chances to take a decent picture with him. After Ellismania he will be touching down in Panama to the sounds of Panama, no matter how much he has to fight with the stewardess and the locals about it. It sounds like a nifty vacation and hopefully he will be celebrating an Ellismania win due to his hard training and not due to him having a thicker face than Gabe.

We have an exciting guest today!!!!! Or not. It’s just Will. He’s back from following Pink Floyd around and it’s time to play ‘let’s fix the phones on the air because that’s the only time we can do it’. It’s a fun game. Meanwhile The Fucking Animal Will Pendarvis Butt Judge tells us how he doesn’t want to go backstage- he wants to be in the moment and truly enjoy seeing flying pigs and planes crashing into the stage without seeing how it works. There will always be something to complain about on the show, despite everything being in the process of getting fixed, because one day…one day there will not be marshmallows for the lattes. It’s a damn hard cruel world that they are operating in, overlooking the Hills of Beverly in mood lighting with liberty and James Hetfield for all.

And then, an actual guest, even if only for a moment. And I missed his name like 8 times in a row…so insert that guy’s name here. He is the real and true King of the West on the radio and is going to be getting in the SiriusXM game. He is the ruler of the LA based on bumper stickers alone, a self-made man former illegal immigrant who wears t-shirts once and then throws them away (or maybe donates them…he seems like a good guy…he can donate them) and hosts a Spanish Speaking radio show that is a big deal. Bigger than Stern, bigger than Ellis, but in Spanish- so it’s cool. Ellis, Tully, and Rawdog are all excited to meet him and are looking forward to working together and becoming buds.

Speaking of bud…ohhhhhhh segue skills…they’re wrapping up the show practicing techniques for the Chronic Colonic which will be taking place tomorrow. Rawdog is on the chopping block to be the lucky man who gets to reverse feltch Kevin Craft, and watch out for the rage if he gets weed smoke farted in his face. Because that’s his trigger, Tully need not wonder or search. Tully will be shopping for supplies because they decided that, along with the baster, they are going to need some tubing. Tully has probably already been to Walgreens for the $13.99 douche enema water bottle kit and balloon that will be the solution to any problem they have thought of. And duct tape. Duct tape can do anything.

Things we learned:

Rawdog is going to be releasing a solo album which he is playing coy about until after the new release from Death!Death!Die!

Shit is the key to the holiness of all religion and the winner is…Indian Hinduism and the Ganges

Rawdog and Tully cannot work the phones

When you’re 70, you’ll be having the same conversations you had at 50 and you won’t know it, and you won’t remember this either, so you’ll be fine about it

SiriusXM wants to be more involved in Ellismania because…FUCK YEAH!!!!

Fleetwood Mac is the greatest live performing band of all time

Homework sucks

Alcohol withdrawal will kill you…most other drugs are only as dangerous as their paraphernalia (in the long term…don’t do drugs…drugs are bad)

Randy Coutoure is an actor

Australian Hooligans wear pink sunglasses with pink tank tops and will kick your ass if you make fun of them at Cricket Matches (aka Everybody Let’s Get Wrecked Matches)

The girls at Cosmo should probably consider not masturbating in public while eating Gyros

The Egyptians make really good cotton

You can get Ellis to pee on a custom made $20,000 vagina couch for the extra low price of $4,000

Show Re-cap for Thursday 8/15/13

Posted on August 15, 2013 by wiz1010

You know how you can just look at the lady walking accross the street on her cell, and the chevy caviler doing a buck n change, also on the cell phone, and envision them meeting one another on a new episode of Most Shocking? Yeah well thats called seeing the future, and who else is better at this than The Future himself. Tully recogns its a dad thing and being SuperDad himself, and who am I to argue. Who can argue with some of the stories we fans send into the show, you know the one’s with a dude, well a dude’s head, attached to a bag, and how you “Gotta check this shit out”. Tully apparently gets a few hundred of those a day, which only means Ellis must get millions and RawDog, well lets just say he was giggling the whole time and is known to be a bit tweaked. Maybe he’s sending them all from various fake twitter handles, but I digress. Instead may I offer you a heart warmer story of how magnets do work, well that they do their job, cause no one knows how the fuck those things work. No one in Nascar seems to know how to make a fucking right, right! Yeah so the boys threw around some Nascar/Kimbo Slice stories all of which are available On Demand with the SiriusXM app. You could also catch the replay tomorrow via the online player, but not if your RawDog…..Today may be the saddest day in Ellis Show history, well except for the day Josh n Jason made out, as RawDog’s computer has passed away to ghetto gigabyte heaven. From there I kinda teared up and wasn’t myself ofr a mintue, I mean I feel for the guy, so I all really got after that was that everyone must surf to save energy to avoid nuking babies, yeah thats about right!

What ~~rock~~ jungle did you crawl out of? Well considering amazon.com is located in Brazil, Im not fucking with these dudes. I’m also not fucking with Joe Rogan, because he’d tweet my phone number and shit to get back at me. He would be an awesome announcer for EllisMania, but since he ain’t been asked its not looking good. Rabid wolves looked good, on a t-shirt and front and center at the LA Zoo, but for a limited time only I’m guessing. Apparently Tully says they like to eat dogs when all hoped up on the rabies, and they enjoy humans too (Didn’t catch if thats to hang out or to eat, but Im willing to roll those dice). They also eat you while your alive, which is really thoughtful since you’d just want it over with as slow and painful as possible. Rabid wolves can also been seen at the Hard Rock in Vegas this Saturday, October 12th and again, they are not harmful…..as long as you don’t spill their beer! Seriously folks I kinda missed a bit of the show but like Ellis do ponder if the bear proof steal suit guy could befriend rabid wolves cause he’s all inedible n what not. From there it was just gifts from Will not Pendarvis for all the boys to enojy such as Tim Tams and Caramel Koalas. Not EllisMate though, he’s gotta train to have all his mental energy to rig this upcomnig fight, so Tully n RawDog I say Good On Ya!

If your a dude born as a chic and you know it clap your dick!! And while your at it move your ass out to Cali baby where you can choose which bathroom you wanna use in elementary school. Kinda gonna put an end to Pimping Aint Easy, and shitty women’s basketball one could hope! Shout out to EllisFam Zach Howard who won the Ellis T-Shirt contest and will be receiving a new Wolfknives ring and a collab with The Wing to get this puppy up for sale! No shout out to those who sent in bomb drops cause TJES still needs a good clean bomb drop if you got one laying around. I guess Will Jizz Cult Pendarvis III has wolfknive names laying around cause some of the shit he had today was just miraculous. Such ledges as The Shocker, Holy Diver, The Tank, and who could forget Mr. Freezer. He did pull Kansas City Guacamole out of his ass, but thats just what he’s into since he’s got him that sketchy swordfish nutjob for his nut jobs, allegedly of course. So some baby in India blew up for like the 4th time, just minutes before they put my ass on hold to pay my cable bill. Its some phenomenon that people can just combust spontaneously, kinda like premature ejaculation for but a burning sensation before and during as opposed to after. That almost happened to Lance Mountain one time, not the early wad thing but the combustion deal. He lit a rag on fire after gassing up his board on his final run, but was too fast for that shit to catch so I’m guessing lost to “Hey Hey, It’s Tony Hawk” but who hasn’t.

Teen Advice anyone? I mean how can you tell if your gay? What if your pee is a dark brown, could something be wrong? How do you tell your girl to spot slapping and pinching you cause its hurting you? Who would buy a pack of socks to jerk off in? Oh, RawDog is the answer to that last one. Turns out The Illusionist makes his junk disappear into a pair of Hanes finest, but by himself as opposed to with two other dudes! Not anymore though as we all know he’s tagging more ass than something that tags a lot of asses, and why not. We all know the dudes who were cool in school grew up to be a tool, and those who fucked off turned out to be millionaires. Don’t believe me, then call 855-ELLIS41 at 7am on the east side, 4am on the west, and yell “FORE”. Not sure what the hell that is suppose to mean, but final calls can be shaky at times. Speaking of shaky, I was at Shakey’s one time when I noticed these two fine chics one the other side of the salad bar. So I shoved a cucumber in my pants to make them think I had a dick like a snake, you know for ultimate satisfaction, and proceeded past the diced carrots to get a closer look. I get around to the other side and ask this massive whale of a beast if she saw two ladies just here a second ago, and as she turns around I see a huge streak of shit stain drool down the front of her blouse only to realize my mistake……I didn’t look at her face, OH!

Show Re-cap for Friday 7/19/2013

Image

Holy shit fuck it’s Friday again and you know what that means, I’m probably drunk and you should be too! Rawdog seemed strangely quiet today, almost like he wasn’t there. Almost like he was somewhere else. Almost like he took a day off to fly to Chicago for the weekend to score some weed and listen to shitty music at a shitty music festival. But calm yourselves because the show must go on and it did. Ellis texted Gay Breudiger to confirm their fight at Ellismania and Gabe replied with, “yup, what’s the date?” Comedy genius! When Ellis was parking today he confronted some jack wagon that took his spot and while delivering a verbal ground n pound a fan came by and said what’s up and asked for an autograph. Must be nice being a superstar. The conversation circled back to the fight controversy of EllisMania 8 and how things might be now. Ellis really hopes that Gabe is better and it goes all three rounds. BREAKING NEWS! Executive producer, The Huntington Beach Bad Boy, just brought in Corey Mother Fuckin Taylor! And what else does Corey Mother Fuckin Taylor want to talk about? Nothing other than coffee and ghosts, but mostly ghosts. Like the time he saw a ghost in his room dressed in a tuxedo and how he tried to chase the ghost butt ass naked with his wang a swingin. Then he talked about some schoolhouse that has ghosts in it and how there were file cabinets and toy cars. Gives me chills just thinking about it. He also talked about being famous and getting recognized but mostly strange people who don’t have a fucking clue who he is just spark up conversations with him. Ellis has had similar experiences like the time a dude at a gas station looked right at Jason and grabbed his dick. Tully told his ghost stories and how his crazy neighbor told him that the noises are real but it is Tully and his mental fortitude (that might be the wrong word but it sounds good) that is making those sounds that he hears. Then they talked about UFOs, anal probes, and microscopic aliens. Apparently Tully’s wife sees ghosts, but the ghost looks just like Tully so thats probably his brain making that happen to, or his wife might be crazy, but she’s a woman, no women are crazy, right? Oh and Corey Mother Fuckin Taylor told the story of how he got pushed down the stairs by a ghost while holding his son. Spooky and a dick move!

While Corey Mother Fuckin Taylor was in studio they did Unsigned bands agian, here is my take on them.

Jayare Leos-good music shitty vocals.
Cassette Coast-best rap about TJES I’ve ever heard.
Brave Serenade-while listening to this I suddenly remembered to change my tampon.
Finger Blast-the line “text and drive, I don’t give a fuck, that’s why I have insurance and a lid on my cup” had me sold.
A Minor Revolution-it’s punk and sounds like punk so I guess it’s alright.
Wad-shitty in a hilarious way.
Mc Fee-scattered with dubstep like shit being smacked with a tennis racket.
Fallen saint-this scares me, this guy kicks puppies.
Whiskey dick-first line, “if you loved me you’d help me hide this body” and ladies and gentleman we have a winner!
Seeking Apollo-gay, gaytastic, incredigay, gayriffic.
Danny Darko and something something but fuck it, it sucks anyway.
Finally Milkweek with Fecal Weapon-It’s good, really good, best song about shit I’ve ever heard.

Corey Mother Fuckin Taylor’s book, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Heaven Or How I Made Peace With The Paranormal And Stigmatized Zealots And Cynics In The Process, available at Amazon.com also available in an audio version in case you can’t read. See what I just did there? That’s ironic comedy, good shit.

Theres a video of an awkward rave that is actually a party at BroneyCon but fuck that, watch this instead. The Huntington Beach Bad Boy talked to Corey Mother Fuckin Taylor about the lyrics about pushing his fingers in his eyes and if he really did that. His answer was no, he does however put them into the corner of his eyes to apply pressure to his sinuses. The thing stranger than this question is the fact that this is a common question that Corey Mother Fuckin Taylor gets! Hollywood News time, Andy Dick, some dude from Oasis, Elvis Presley, James Brown, my balls, Kanye West, get em, bla bla bla.

Duane Wade’s wife has a meltdown outside a Chicago court because she is bat shit crazy and wants more money. Larry Linkogle of The Metal Mulisha wrote a book, Mind of the Demon: A Memoir of Motocross, Madness, and the Metal Mulisha, also Available on Amazon.com. An Oklahoma lady threatened her neighbor with a knife because she thinks he told everyone that she fucked her cat, which she claims she did. A church in the Czech Republic is decorated with human bones. That’s metal as fuck! A man with 10 stone 140 pound balls had a 13 hour procedure to get his normal balls back but being the dick that God is, his dick is now only one inch long. Kids are pansy asses these days. Can’t even handle a simple decapitation and cannibalism. Back in the day fish suicides were the regular. But if your kid isn’t a pussy and kicks asses for no reason the only solution is to move with him to the mountains and raise him either till you break him or he becomes one with a wolf pack. Or therapy but you don’t get to wear the furs of your kills in therapy. A woman in Louisiana got hit by lightning inside a grocery store. Today’s public service announcement, small town cops are dickheads, city cops are too but don’t have time for your piddly ass shit. Did you hear the one about the jogger who kept shitting in someones yard? Well I got one better, here’s the video. That’s all for me today, I gotta run and make sure yer mum is ready for the rodeo tonight, OH!

Best of Re-Cap for Thursday 3/21/2013

Posted on March 21, 2013 by wiz1010

Well slap my sister upside the trailer, how the hell how ya #EllisFam? It’s Thursday, so only got a few more hours of giving a fuck before we let our true internal loverboy loose cause everybody’s working for the weekend. Look, I’m sorry for that last one, here’s how your uncle Ghostload, and the fine folks at NoYouAre can make it up to you. Before we can get to that, let me introduce you to the highly paid and very well off staff you vicariously live through each and every day…..

@bitpimps (He’s on everything really, twitter, instagram, your mom, etc.)

Bit got his NYA proverbial dick wet before all of us. He’s the ace, the guru, and has possibly the most free time as you see on twitter. He was the first to ever post on the site, with what was just a general monthly overview of the show back in December of 2011, but read the last paragraph and you’ll see why he’s well BitPimps! The idea of the doing these more often didn’t take much longer to blossom, and thus was born our first daily recap on January 23, 2012, and also the birth of something even ~~bigger~~ smaller than that, but we’ll get to that tomorrow.

@AZ_RedDragon (Same as bit, usually at same time too!)

AZ is just the man, up front, right out the gates. He’s definitely the muscle and our heart of NYA, and who better to tell you he he is, well than himself in his first ever post back in January 2012. From there is was just cases of beer and anal with your mom for a month or so, until we were blessed with the first of many well worth the wait recaps on March 14, 2012. It was a Wednesday by the way, read up on who or what…..

@wiz1010 (a.k.a. Ghostload, also like other two above, but Im filming!)

Ghostload’s like the guy who talks in 3rd person, ya know the face figure of NYA, sorta like the Puff Daddy to NYA’s Biggie. Now Ghostload came out the box swinging hard, with pictures n all, well mostly all with his first recap on October 10, 2012. It’s pretty much been downhill since there, but the kid’s got a lot of swagger so anything’s possible. Be sure to get it up ya on twitter, instagram and at your mom’s house.

@CrackerStacker6 (a.k.a Branden, same as others above, but with more style)

Branden is the disturbingly creative mind of the NYA and keeps us all on our toes, and sleeping with one eye open. Once he joined the NYA crew it was immediately off with the hulk gloves n Branden went hard in the muthafucking paint with his first recap on January 30, 2013. He’s is definitely an intricate part of all this chaos, and your mom’s anus as well!

@shit_toboggan (a.k.a. Alex, again ditto as above, but usually no one makes it out alive)

Now if I’m not mistaking, I believe Alex is the only of us all to compete in EllisMania, so fucking shout out for that shit! He joined the NYA ledges and just went ape-shit on the keyboard on his first recap back on February 5, 2013. Since then he’s been shoplifting your attention, and your mom’s monthly government checks!

Now if your still reading this, your probably taking me seriously on the whole I’ll make it up to ya. Well, truth is you can go fuck yourself for all I care, unless your EllisFam, which again if your still reading this your probably are. So for you, I have pulled a few random favorite recaps of mine for you to jerk it to. Enjoy….

February 7, 2012: All kinds of goodies here, Rude Jude, DanOD5, and of course the NMT discover of Die Antwoord, fuck yeah!

May 25, 2012: Classic Picture and MMA is 5% gay!

July 2, 2012: Bit’s true identity is leaked by AZ, I probably shouldn’t have pulled this one but fuck it.

August 17, 2012: Ellismate finally on TMZ? Doing stuff with Gabi, so hot!

September 20, 2012: Dog Center!!! Oh, and the birth of Jizz Cult.

November 19, 2012: The “You Don’t Know Shit About Ellis” game. Fuck I didn’t even remember this.

December 6, 2012: Mike Dolce’s diet. The last time we ever hear from Dana White.

No You Are

Red Dragons, Bitches

Tag Archives: EllisMania