Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhyeahyeahyeaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! Because Ellis is playing with the voice mod. TJES quickly jumps into action today after a super brief voice mod monologue where an Evil Kanye West voice makes a quick appearance (can a voice make an appearance? an audioppearance maybe?) to talking about The Dropkick Murphy’s and Bruce Springsteen song ‘Rose Tattoo’ which gets stuck in Rawdog’s head, disappoints Tully, and Ellis just plain hates but admits it’s a good song. Bruce Springsteen may or may not still just be your Average Joe who stumbles out of strip clubs in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday and explains to fans that he willed a million other Bruce Springsteen’s into existence. It’s okay if the only part you cared about there was the bit about the strip club, because that’s the part that the men of the show latched on to (to my girlie fist-pumping delight…you have a dirty mind).
Ellis states that he has learned a lot from strippers, whether those lessons be good or bad, and ultimately he said he tends to pity dancers for the creeps that they have to deal with like the guy drooling in the front row with his Dance Trance face on. He thinks that being a stripper definitely gives a girl insight into how men are wired because there is at least a little bit of creep in every guy, some people may play it closer to the chest than others. Ellis dated a stripper for 6 years back in the day and he was King of Unemployed Melbourne on the 3 grand he made a month skateboarding and the thousands of dollars his chick made EVERY NIGHT. But there are girls/dancers/strippers who rake in the bucks in such great amounts every night that they turn into cunts who look down on people because they’ve stopped appreciating money and think theirs will last waaaaaayyyyyy longer than the multiple plastic surgeries they will undergo in an attempt to keep making money off of that ephemeral bitch called beauty. Or maybe they can really work the pole and aren’t really all that hot anyway. One lesson to be learned from this? Hard work that leads to success is humbling while easy money makes you a condescending jackass. Give yourself a fucking reality check, having money makes you better than nobody, you still have creepy inside of you.
How much creepy though? Tully finds Mr. Trance Dance face drooling over girls on poles he wished were his pole creepy and wonders if men (he) is just as creepy for wild fantasies used to ‘get the job done’ when the cum isn’t coming for whatever reason. Get the job done. Get over the hump. I never want to be involved in a sex scenario where either of these terms are used because that means I should be fired. Ellis doesn’t think it’s creepy to fantasize things, however wild they may be, to get the job done because you aren’t offending anyone (except for maybe yourself a half an hour later) and it isn’t hurting anybody. But he would stop if a memo got sent to a person every time he thought about busting on them instead of the girl he was with. Tully brings up the situation of men who find it hard to orgasm unless they’re pretending the girl that they are with doesn’t want to be having sex with them and we fall deeper down the fantasy rabbit hole all the way to the Dungeon. Ellis, ever the open minded fellow, has no aversion to trying out a bondage-type situation if it wasn’t so goddamn expensive to have a lady in leather kick him in the balls. But Tully doesn’t get it because…where’s the orgasm? Ellis says he gets it an equates it with mental foreplay, and talks about it being a playground for the rich and powerful who are never dominated in any other aspect of their life, and yeah, most men probably go out to their car and beat off before driving home with sticky fingers, but there are some men who just get amped up. Like the male caller who was whipped by two males (because he’s that kind of polite guy who won’t say no) and kept asking for it harder. Harder! HARDER! Until he felt like he had won. There is a difference between being creepy and having ‘safe words’ for your rape fantasy love life and being a fucked up murderer rapist. Tully said it’s not important to get caught up in how creepy you might be (if you spent the better part of the segment thinking about your weirdest sex fantasy impulses as I did) because they’re just thoughts, and as Rawdog adds- the most important thing is that you possess empathy and impulse control. You are not a fucked up murderer rapist. Ellis dubs himself the Josh Richmond of Creepy sex which makes Josh…the fetus? Or he just may be the Chad Reed of Creepy Sex. They jury is still out. It will probably be back sometime after the Fuckfest that is going down in his room at Ellismania 9.
Do girls think shit like this too? Do girls have weird fantasies to get the job done? Well, you’re in luck because I’m a bonafide female XX chromosome card holder. Yes. We are just as fucked up as you. It’s hot. Just ask Ellis and Tully- the sexiest thing ever is a woman who enjoys sex!!! ‘Girl sex’ where a bitch goes “oh yeah I didn’t cum but I really enjoyed it” is possible, but most likely she’s just not equipped with the balls to say, “wow, I feel like I should sue you for false advertising.” Yes, sex can be enjoyable without orgasm and there are reasons that maybe she didn’t orgasm because yadda yadda girlie shit yadda yadda she is probably thinking about how there’s only expired milk in the fridge and she has to go food shopping. There is NO woman who has a fulfilling sex life when she isn’t reaching the little death more than she is. If she tells you otherwise, send her my way so I can call her a liar to her face.
Do girls really think about things just like guys in amounts of potential creepiness? I will provide some evidence when talking about the next bit discussing tentacle porn. You know what I’m talking about. The Anime that is oh so popular in Japan as well as (albeit less) popular all around the world. It’s basically girls getting fucked by Octopus monsters if you wanna pretend you have no idea. So…what’s the deal with that? Tully says that it’s because Japanese men are more on the diminutive side despite their supremely macho culture and there has to be a demand for it because there is a bottomless black hole of tentacle porn movies and animation ain’t cheap. Also, in some cities/regions it’s illegal to show penetration and Tentacle Porn is the wonderful loophole that was stumbled upon. They wondered about how long Tentacle porn has been around and talked about it being just a part of their culture at this point. Insert creepy bitch factor here with an article that I read 3 years ago on tentacle porn which my photographic memory instantly recalled to tell me that tentacle porn has been around since the 18th century. Boom. I’m probably wayyyyyyyy creepier than you are on account of the shit my brain retains.
Attention all Jason Ellis show listeners/cocaine users (since Josh seems to think we are one and the same)!!!!! Did you know that 80% of the cocaine that you are snorting that’s is supplied to this country is laced with a drug Levamisole that is used for de-worming livestock and eats your flesh? There are pictures and it is gross, even though Ellis wants to call bullshit and Tully (and probably many listeners) would like to know exactly why something given to livestock wants to eat human flesh… And as if that weren’t bad enough, Krokodil- a Russian drug similar to heroin has crash landed here in the good old US of A and that shit is guaranteed too rot your flesh from the inside out. So far, two people have been hospitalized in Arizona, and it’s believe those are the first two cases in America. Why do people do drugs anyway? Ellis thinks that some people may just be born to be addicts and then there are people that hate themselves, which is the reason that he did drugs back in the day, he didn’t wanna deal with being in his own head. This whole world going to shit on drugs things seriously bums him out, but he’s cheered up by the fact that there are really only about 200,000 people in America that can be classified as heroin addicts, though there are over a million who are I guess what we would call an ‘occasional user’. The guys all agree that hernoin is that gateway drug for shit like Krokodil, which gives a similar high and is cheaper for when you can no longer afford heroin.
Ellismania 9 is approaching fast and that means so is the Fuck Fest that Josh ‘I’m in an open relationship’ Richmond will be hosting in his room to the chants of “fuck fest! fuck fest!” from a crowd of horny onlookers and Tully while Ellis jacks off the the beat. To re-iterate from yesterday’s show and re-cap- they are looking for a blonde with ginormous tatas, so feel free to tweet a pic of yourself to @radioTFB to see if you are up to snuff. Side note: I told Hubbs that if I were single I would totally be up for this as I am a blonde with big boobies and because his girlfriend is a pornstar so even if Rawdog sucked I’m sure she would be awesome and I wouldn’t just enjoy it, I would orgasm. Probably multiple times. Seriously though, Ellismania 9 hasn’t sold out yet and you should probably go get tickets and join the party because it’s not every day that you can see a Taco fight a Dude with a Blanket. Wilson…what’s in your box? A whole bunch of shit from old movie shoots including some fake blood, a bunch of wigs, and at the verrrrrrrrry bottom some Ellismania related costumes for fights, such as the aforementioned Taco. Ellis wants to employ some hot ladies in sandwich boards to pass out fliers at the Hard Rock in Vegas to promote the show, which seems like a great idea because everyone pays attention to a hot chick in a Team Taco sandwhich board.
Tully thinks he can beat Kareem Abduul Jabar in basketball. Bullshit. But a high school basketball player probably can. The same goes for practically any other sport when it comes to old guy versus high school player. Except for fighting. Sorry caller. If you aren’t practiced in the art of punching a guy in dee face you don’t stand a chance. He’s going to know what you are throwing before you hold your hand up and he will kill you.
The Army has announced that it will soon be banning tattoos on certain areas of the body- like the really visible parts- above the neck, below the elbow and such. Those currently enlisted won’t have to get theirs lasered off or anything crazy like that, but if you’re looking to join up it’s advised that you think before you ink. Elllis and Tully understand this soon to be enforced rule, saying that it goes toward the uniformity of the organization. Josh brought up the point of not wanting to alienate or detract anyone with tattoos from wanting to fight when we are currently emeshed in an ongoing war and need bodies. I guess The Army needs something new to focus on since ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ got thrown out of the window. The Army says “Hoo-Rah’ when they are rushing into battle, even though Ellis likes “Retreat Hell” much better and wants to slap the shit out of Aaron Eckhart for misrepresenting himself in Battle: Los Angeles. Wilson agrees because he wants realism in his Aliens versus the Army movies. Duh.
Time to talk Ultimate Fighter. There is a lot of crying on this season of the Ultimate Fighter, because apparently they’re a bunch of whaaaaaambulances. And because this is the first season with girls. Not that the guys don’t shed a tear or two also. Ellis and Tully say they’re envious of girls just being able to cry and get that release because it must feel great, and intern Vanessa assures them crying is awesome, but…fuck that shit. I hate crying. It’s an unpopular opinion for a girl, but crying is the worst shit ever and I am so glad that I only head to the cry bank for Disney Movies. Ronda Rousey is no holds barred the best female fighter in the world but Miesha Tate beats her in the personality department hands down. Ronda is a coach on the show and is portrayed as very quick-tempered to the point where she interrupts fights between small guys and very large guys at the bar only to get into the larger guys face better than the small guy (the striking coach) can. This probably isn’t the best move for her publicly or privately, which is told to her in the parking lot by Dana White, and she should probably calm the fuck down a bit. Yeah, there is the magic of editing that can be blamed for making someone look done or slightly inflate a trait of a person’s personality, but there is no editing that is going to make you lose your shit every time someone looks at you. While tweeting about the Ultimate Fighter, Ellis received a tweet from the UFC which ullllltimately lead him to tweet with his fave female fighter on the show, Julianna, who basically gave him the equivalant of ‘Hi, who’s your friend?’ And she was talking about Rawdog. Rawdog!!! Lookout Julianna, he’s in an open relationship!!! Avoid Ellismania at all costs!!! Not that it wouldn’t be awesome to have you there, but even I heard the creep smile over the air.
A man was arrested in San Diego after being spotted off the coast and was apparently floating his way from Mexico to America on a duffel bag filled with $23,000 worth of marijuana. Points for creativity. In fact, the guys all agree he should probably just get a pass because…’Merica.
Wrapping up the show today is a massive list of additions to the Wolfknives Family. Are they all signing up now because they want to go to the secret meeting of the Wolfknives at the Hard Rock at Ellismania? That’s probably not a bad guess, considering the couple of husband and wife names given out today. So…Congratulations to Wheel of Doom, Bicep Whore (LMT), Flame Enthusiast, Captain Hero, Good Burger, Hole Inspector (also congrats on being the Butt Judge’s boss), The Janitor, Brian Power, Team McMraw, Mary Pipenstein, Miguel Gorbachev, Security Tard, The Good One, Good Fat, Marty Friedman, Johnny Deppa, Little Miss Ellis, Hilary Clitoris, Johnny Yayo, The Coke Dealer’s Wife, Kooooooolaaaaaaaggggg, The French Homo, Abbey Load, Lying Murderer, Boo!, Lord of the Dicks, Jerks Off Lightening, The Nightcrawler, These Are Real, Creepy 1, Creepy 2, Chip Dick, Urethra ButtButt, Gabby VagVag, Dr. Greenthumb, The LoaMonger, Homo Therapy, Nocturnal Shitbag, King Nothing, German C-Bomb, Fisted Sister, and Kevlar Dildo.
And, before I forget, the Unlisted Band segment is coming around again so if you have an unsigned band, or maybe are a fan of an unsigned band, send it to Ellisparodies@gmail.com.
Things we learned today:
Ellis would have sex for money because he likes the feeling of power
Ellis has stopped peeing blood but might be doing it again soon as he is fighting a monster at Wildcard tonight
Ellis could never live with a poodle
There is a macho way to hold a purse, but Josh just slings it over his shoulder
Flushable baby wipes suck ass
Being a waitress and being a stripper is basically the same job with different uniforms
Don’t fuck with Lenny’s turf, those are his windows
Tully has an irrational fear of car accidents and is comforted by Heroin being a bigger killer
Ellis fears sharks
Rawdog has a fear of being close to the edge of high places
Josh’s mouth says words, but the buttons say the truth
The Jingleberries made an awesome Fuck Fest theme song
“years young” is what you say when people start getting old
Will’s cell picks up CB Radio communications…let’s see your smartphone do that
Owning an escort service isn’t as glamorous as you might think