The main thing I want you to take away from this re-cap is this: Life is a dick. And it will slap you in the cheeks until they are rosey and bruised. Today in our ongoing relationships with the hosts of TJES’s genitalia, Jason is pissing blood(METAL!). But he didn’t find this out from taking a normal piss of course. He was in the bathtub and wanted to make Katie laugh so he stuck the tip out and went “Hey Katie!” but when he peed a coffee colored blast came out with a little black dickhole guppy. Yup. Ellis got punched hard in the kidneys so he’s peeing a little bit of blood. As is tradition, If you have something wrong with your dick, Dr. Listener will call in and tell you that your dick has cancer-aids and is going to turn black and fall off. Some think maybe Jason has something called Rhubda or something which is caused when someone is over training. But it’s probably just the massive shots to the body Ellis got while he was training.
This somehow led to a story about how Tully bought a can opener a few months ago because he needed to open a bottle of wine and he just figured he’d take it back when he was done because he only needed it once. So he went to the store to return it but he didn’t have a receipt, and then he felt weird about asking them to refund his money for a random bottle opener he could have just ripped off the shelf. This was all brought on because Ellis was talking about all of the little things he doesn’t have time to do with all of the leading up to Ellismania and trying to get tv shows and getting tshirts made for Ellismania. Ellismania still has a shit load of tickets left, and it needs to sell out so get your tickets on ticketmaster.com if you can make it. Tickets for Rawdog’s gangbang however will only be available at the Hard Rock Hotel the weekend of Ellismania if you are a blonde chick with big boobs and want to bang Rawdog? Some chick called in and she just broke up with her boyfriend because he cheated on her and she should definitely go get her some McTumble Bum.
In some little town in Utah, there is something where dick shaped foods are outlawed because people can’t control themselves and will just jam carrots up their ass. And in Florida, a group is giving away free shotguns to anyone who wants them because, hey, Florida. I can see the point they are trying to make, but it’s a fucking dumb way to make your point.
South Korean men are most likely to wear makeup, says a study Rawdog found. Rawdog tried to make the point that men will, in the future, be more likely to wear makeup to make them look better at meetings or something. Apparently Rawdog has lived in LA a little too long and doesn’t realize that men probably won’t throw a bunch of shit on their face every morning to look pretty. Man, I had a whole thought process with this bit of the show that was really good, I swear. But South Park is on now, and I don’t remember.
The guys played a game made up by @Mike_in_Canada where Ellis and Rawdog had to guess the average dollar amount of things like average household income, average house cost in America and shit like that. Turns out Ellis pays a ludicrous amount for his rent, but the average American pays like $900 for rent. Also, you can buy a house in Buffalo for like $50K if you can stomach living in Buffalo. It was a sweet game, but really hard to recap, so check it out on demand.
Steve called the show today, but when Ellis called his name, he was nowhere to be found. Where is Steve? What happened? He was just on the phone and now we can’t find him! The show came to a halt to find the whereabouts of Steve, and even his brother called in to express concern. Thankfully, Steve called back to say he got arrested because he got pulled over for speeding while he was on hold. Red Dragons and I’m glad everything is ok Steve.
The guys didn’t get to New Music Tuesday yesterday so you get treated to my signature recap segment of NEW MUSIC WEDNESDAY!!!!
Zac Effron Od’d on Ocycodon because he’s a little bitch who got all sleepy from railing bitch pills. Awww poor Zac Effwon got sweepy from snorting some pills. Ellis watched Tosh and thinks they have ripped off a few things from their show. I’ve thought that a couple of times myself actually, but most of them were very loose connections so it’s hard to say. Ellis and Tully actually said he thinks Tosh is good at what he does, especially in the pre-recorded bits, I’ve always liked Tosh in his stand up, but his show is kind of weak but it may be because of the format but who cares this isn’t a fucking Tosh recap.
DMX is broke as shit. As in, only $50 to his name and the clothes on his back. That’s what happens when you smoke crack and act like a criminal. Some guy named Walter called and wanted Ellis to fight him for a benefit for bees. He’s a moron, but he only called because he just got Sirius and liked the show and thought he was clever. Another dude who just got Sirius called to say fuck walter and his bees, but he started loving the show because they called Yoko Ono a cunt which she is.
Chris Sucks.
Jake Rules.
Pre-Order Jason’s new book: The Awesome Guide to Life: Get Fit, Get Laid, Get Your Shit Together and we’ll see if we can get him another best seller. Good night fuckers.