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Show Re-Cap for Monday 4/22/2013

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gee_look_at_the_time

Oh, gee! Look at the time, it’s time for “Doin’ butt stuff with Mr. & Ms. X”

Hey, it’s Earth Day today! Did you buy the Earth a cake and smash it into the fucking ground? Have you made-out with a tree today? Get some of the bark, baby! Ellis was recently in a cloud of doom, but not any longer, so he’s happy to be here – loud as shit and everything. Rawdog’s vagina ears were hurt, but Tully loves it loud (did you catch his Kiss reference?) and so does Dingo. Would you bang a chick with a vagina on her neck? Would you wear a condom? Dingo saw Swollen Members over the weekend and heard the Red Dragon song live. Ellis has a new friend, Mr. X. Not to be confused with Rawdog’s friend, Mr. X. No, no. This is a totally different Mr. X, and he’s not gay or anything, but he’s done some butt stuff lately. He has a high pressure hose thing, where he can give himself an enema in the shower. The first time Mr. X had tried giving himself an enema, Ms. X was there to help give pointers and a log shot out and hit the deck, causing Ms. X to start laughing. This time, Mr. X kept pushing all kinds of stuff out and was starting to get worried that he might be over-enema’ing (?) and jamming stuff down the shower drain with his foot when he noticed some things aren’t going down the drain. It was pineapple because Mr. X really enjoys pineapple. Ellis had the mermaid party over the weekend and it sounds like it went pretty well – Will’s older son got busted looking at Katie’s ass. Do you believe in life after death? Do you think you’d be happy in the afterlife? Would you need an energy drink? Who knows, what we do know is that while you’re in the life that you have, you gotta go hard in the paint and enjoy as much of it as you can. I guess Adam Carolla said awhile back that women aren’t that funny or as funny as men. That’s nothing new, people have been saying that for a long time so I’m not sure why this was a major point of discussion in the media.

there_there

Whatever it is, it’s going to be alright.

reese_withoutherspoonA.J. Clemente. What? You haven’t heard of him? Maybe because his very first appearance on NBC North Dakota TV reading the news, he dropped a “gay fuckin’ shit” live on the air and got fired for it. He was actually trying to pronounce the name of the winner of the London Marathon, “Tsegaye Kebede.” Tully choked hard on the Steampipe Alley TV show when he was 9-years-old, once he saw his face on TV, he forgot how to spell “elected” and bombed out and didn’t get to win his Merlin or whatever kick-ass toy he wanted. Rawdog told the story of the first time he was on radio in college at 5 AM, reading old time radio shows like Flash Gordon, Batman, and Superman. A long time ago, they actually played some clips from that time on the show and holy shit was it hard to listen to, hence the 5 AM slot. In MMA news, Benson Henderson beat Gilbert Melendez, and then Melendez proposed to his girlfriend during a chorus of “boos” from the Melendez-friendly crowd. Daniel Cormier beat Frank Mir and Josh Thomson knocked out Nate Diaz. Moto news, Ryan Barbota (as Dom calls him) Justin Barcia (as the rest of the world calls him) won some shit and other people did not. And that’s all the exciting coverage we can handle, so let’s move on. Dom news, sounds like there were quite a few fans of the show that hate his talk into the cup Lil’ Bane voice. So he was ordered to call into the show via the VIP number instead to see if his voice is any less annoying, I’m guessing to the people who don’t like him, it wasn’t. At least until he called back in with his I’m Batman, drunk and on pills voice, which I don’t see how you couldn’t think it was fantastic. Will “vagina knees” Pendarvis is on crutches from his hard in the paint tactics during the crew’s Friday morning basketball game. Hollywood news time, Reese Witherspoon and her husband got arrested for DUI and she tried to play the celebrity card, it didn’t work. And not to be outdone, Tara Reid had a meltdown while shopping because she couldn’t get a discount. Snoop-Lion-Dogg’s 420 festival got shut down, not for weed smoking but for licensing or some shit. Star Magazine has a list of celebrities people hate, that’s neat (sarcasm). There was a bunch more Hollywood news but I don’t remember most of it, I was driving and watching a little fender bender in front of me. And that’s it for news today, who really wants a shitload of news on Monday anyway, right?

julia_roberts_terrifying

Ok, I lied, it’s not going to be alright as long as this exists.

Some dude that fell off a ladder 9 years ago and was paralyzed from the chest down, discovered that he gets orgasmic feelings when he sucks his thumb. It’s generally assumed that he spends a lot of time sucking on that digit. Mitch Fatel came on the show today with his wife, apparently they’re almost swingers, but he doesn’t let her sleep with other dudes yet, but that might be over now that she’s seen Dingo’s luscious locks. Mitch and his wife seemed to take a real liking to Ellis and especially Katie so maybe there’s a hook-up there to be had. They sound just as adventurous for the most part, with the licking of stripper’s asses and such. Oh, and apparently they’re in the process of trying to do a show about all this and more for A&E, which seems odd because this certainly isn’t like Duck Dynasty or whatever. Here’s his “candy cane” joke about bloody vagina, and if you were listening to the show, he doesn’t really talk like David Blaine’s more effeminate brother. Greatest guitar riff time, weeding through the rest of the Sweet 16 to complete the list of Elite 8. And here they are:
well_were_waiting

  • Guns N’ Roses
  • AC/DC
  • Led Zeppelin
  • Jimi Hendrix
  • Dire Straits
  • Queen
  • Slayer
  • Slayer

That’s no typo, sisters! Slayer has two different songs in the contest, showing just how badass they are. And there you have it, your Elite 8 for the Greatest Guitar Riff of All-Time. So goes another mega, cram packed too much show and a mega, cram packed too much re-cap. I know, you’re thinking, “what’s the deal with all the fucking images in today’s post?” My answer to that is, I don’t know man. I was just feeling it and decided to put them in. Besides, everyone loves good images. No? Well shit, sorry then. I guess too many images is a lot like being a pedo, it’s hard to fit in. HEYOH! Oh, come on. Now you’re gonna be upset about that joke? It’s not like someone said the brighter side of the marathon bombings is that the Paralympics just got a bunch more competition. Shit. Okay, sorry about that one. I’m just digging a bigger hole here. Well, let me just close it out proper, I just want to make you all laugh and enjoy reading all this. A new golf course opens in town. It’s rather shabby, and business starts off slow. The owner, taking matters into his own hands, builds three robots to help tidy the place up. For the next week, the place is impeccable; word spreads and people come from all over to try out the new course. Most customers love it, but there’s one complaint: the robots are too shiny, and they sometimes reflect sunlight into the golfers’ eyes when they’re trying to swing. To solve this problem, the owner paints the robots black, thinking it will be a quick and easy fix. The next day, two of the robots don’t show up to work and the third robs a convenience store. OH!

fuck_you

What? This how we say “I love you” here at NYA.

Show Re-Cap for Monday 4/15/2013

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postcard

Allow me to play you the song of my people!

Until now, you have remained safe. Until now, you have remained untouched. We give you, the opportunity, to feed your obsession. NYA! Ellis thinks Quentin Tarantino is a fat old lady and over-rated, Cha-Chingo Unchained (or Jango & Change as Dingo calls it) was shit, and the movie Lincoln sucked. Apparently Dingo got to watch Apollo 13 in school and nobody really knows why, or if he was even really in school, or what kind of product he uses in those luscious locks of his. There was something about gluten, Judd Apatow, and some mother trying to control the world. I have no idea what they were talking about, neither did Tully and I’m guessing neither did you. Maybe it was something about Gwyneth Paltrow? Or that Mexican maid on Family Guy? I don’t know. Rawdoggie-poo got a gift from his Nana, he gets tickets to a music festival in Chicago. There was a ton of movie talk that literally went all over the place. We did find out that Rawdog pretty much hates Ben Affleck, except in Dazed ‘n Confused, and we also learned he didn’t see Good Will Hunting because he thought it looked dumb. You just know he was like, “Big deal, a janitor can do math? I’m smarter than that!” Katie’s birthday present was two nights at a hotel with room service and shitload of movie watching, hence all the movie talk. EllisMania 9 is back on, it is scheduled for October 13th and Katie will be fighting Rawdog. However, all that was overshadowed by the news of explosions near the finish line at the Boston Marathon.

swag

Fuck Dom’s shirt, I got that swag!

Some cop got all over zealous on a German tourist and said some dumb shit. Miesha Tate had her face fucked up by Cat Zingano, but everyone seems to agree that the fight was stopped too soon, but we’re also talking about a woman referee here so, yeah. Uriah Hall lost his fight, which kind of surprised quite a few people, after watching him put everyone he fought in a BAMbulance. Urijah Faber won his fight, but does anyone really give a shit – I mean besides that butt-chin of his? Ellis farted in front of Katie this weekend, a conscious fart, not a fart in his sleep. Tully’s never had a big farting issue at home, but he has started to try and curb the extreme burping. Dingo and his girlfriend both fart in front of each other, and they’re okay with that. Chicks shit – it’s true, and this spurred at least one caller whose chick pinched a loaf, took a picture, and named it – and that’s pretty fucking disgusting. Another dude walked in on his girlfriend taking a shit and heard it plop in the water – and that’s pretty fucking disgusting as well. Anybody catch moto over the weekend? Me neither. You can bet someone is fast while the others are slow, though. Dom “Lil’ Bane” the producer’s birthday was this weekend as well, he spent his 30th birthday all by his lonesome. Apparently he’s all dressed up today, trying to look like Jude, but instead looking more like Lewis Skolnick. Rawdog said he shirt is classy and is backing his style, so that right there tells you all you need to know. Dom says that he’s constantly working, even when he’s watching TV – and oddly enough, he doesn’t even own a TV.

katy_perry

Hollywood news does not come from your pussy.

Hollywood news time. Comedian Kevin Hart was arrested for DUI. And if you’re like me, you’re saying “who”? If you’re like Ellis, you’re saying, “Carey Hart’s mom”? This little bit of totally not news was milked for what seemed like, and was close to, 30 minutes. Justin Bieber visited Anne Frank’s house and wrote in the guestbook: “Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.” That Bieber kid, what a cunt. Lauryn Hill didn’t file taxes in 2005, 2006, and 2007, claiming that she “withdrew from society at large due to what she perceived as manipulation and very real threats to herself and her family.” Also, she’s looking like shit these days. Jada Pinkett Smith clarified her “open marriage” to Will Smith remark by saying that each of them can do whatever they want because they trust each other. So, yeah. Sounds like they can still fuck whoever. Hugh Jackman was shaken after a stalker threw an electric razor filled with her pubes at him, guess that crazy bitch thought Wolverine could use some more facial hair? Chi Cheng, bassist of the Deftones died 5 years after a car crash left him in a coma. And Clint Eastwood went to Coachella, which makes it officially the stupidest music festival of all.

In “My insane logic knows no bounds” news, Rawdog refuses to admit that Black Sabbath is better than Neutral Milk Hotel. Hey, wanna know how best to survive a nuclear bomb exploding? First, you wanna not be any where near that motherfucker. Second, you think you’re far enough away, but no, go further man. Third, don’t look at it. And fourth, curl up in a ball and await to be vaporized or grow an eyeball on your taint. And this is where my computer decided to take a shit and so far never come back. Lucky for you, I have an awesome phone to finish this fucking thing. And luck for your mom that I finished in her mouth instead of on her tits, because that open wound on her titty from her abscess probably would’ve made things that much worse. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 4/4/2013

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Peetard's on the top!

Peetard’s on the top!

Well how the hell are ya on this fine Thursday?  If you’re jacked up on coffee, well has Ellis got some news for you.  He’s thinking about opening up his own coffee shop, well since he makes his own coffee at home and its fucking delicious!  I’d brew a fresh cup’o’Ellis every morning, I mean fuck Folgers right!  Oh and fuck the dentist too, especially if your anything like Tully, who doesn’t even considering setting an appointment with his dentist until at least 3 attempts to call Tully and set one up.  If you’re anything like Ellis, then you love the dentist…..cause its pretty sweet to get nitrous and gold teeth – pretty fucking sweet!  Breaking News:  Tiger is riding moto now.  Not only that, but he is so stoked on it and takes it so seriously, he actually is listening to Papa Ellis when he shouts instructions.  On another note, Rawdog has just about giving up on the bike race with Tiger at this point, as if we didn’t already know.  I do know that we don’t know some dude Ty that Tully knows, ya know, but that dude did tell Tully that the experiences he share with his child are really just like living a 2nd childhood.  Such a fucking cool concept – Im personally owning this one too.  Ellis agrees and directly linked it to Nuclear Cowboys and taking Tiggy to see it – and how awesome it will be for Tiger, and for Ellis to see Tiger’s reactions and such.  Of course this doesn’t mean Tiger or Linsanity has to re-live their fathers respective childhoods – which is really good for Tiger especially since Ellis reminded us how hard he grew up back down under.  Stories of just being out with his dad’s friends, and how hard those mutha fuckers really were, just doing shit like destroying their own cars when they got shit faced drunk, and just dealing with it the next day – man the fuck up and get over it ya cunt!   Shit like that just rubbed off on Ellis, even one time when he crashed his bike in the woods when the handle grip came off in mid air.  Ellismate just got up, started up his bike and rode it on home – Whereas kids now a days would just fall down n cry and freak out and have no clue as to how to handle such a situation.  Such a hard ass!  Not to be confused with a Tard Ass or “Peetard” which apparently is Burger Ellis’s new name.  Did you know animals love Rawdog?  Did you know Rawdog could give a shit about animals, yeah I thought you did.  Its not like he hates them or anything, just not his pick of the week if you know what I mean.  Nothing like Tully though, who admitted if he was to ever move away, he would come back to his old hood to visit that stray cat he takes care of and bonds with.  I mean he ain’t taking the little fucker with him to the new house, but he will stop by and say hi – super dad I tell ya!  In other meaningless news – Cumtard has kidney stones and just got out of the hospital – North Korea ain’t fucking around they say – Bidding ends tomorrow on Honus Wagner’s famous baseball card if you give a shit!

 

 

Nothing Stupider Than Jewpiter....or this joke, OH!

Nothing Stupider Than Jewpiter….or this joke, OH!

Check this shit out some video Katie sent to Ellismate the fellas watched on the show for a good minute – sounded hilarious.  Apparently the chic who sings it has allegedly been flagged by Interpol for some seriously sketchy shit – heres more info on that.   Some other shit too I kinda missed detail on, but remember when Ellis saved that dude from getting raped near The Abbey?  Well turns out some chic is suing them for similar reason, check it out.  Hollywood News time bitches – and starts of on a somber note as Roger Ebert has kicked the bucket, sorry dude!  Chris Bosh got got for about 300K in jewelry cause he’s a fucking moron, sorry dude!  Heidi Klum is a fucking bad ass, so says this article on her saving some fuckers from downing, your welcome!  Tom Cruise maybe does believe in aliens, maybe sorta kinda not really.  Jeremy Irons is a fucking moron dude, just listen to this dude talk about gay marriage and incest, but not separately!  And finally, but most importantly, Justin Beiber drew a picture today, of a mouse!  And thats Hollywood News ma’fuckers!  News on The Jason Ellis Show you may have missed – Rawdog is the bellboy of TJES, except he doesn’t bring your bags, just “Brings The Stupid”!  Let’s test that theory, and play a little Ellis JeParty with your host Will JizzCult Pendarvis III.  Today’s categories were ‘Rich & Famous’, ‘Around The World’, ‘Long O Make It Go Oooo”, and ‘Fictional Characters’.  Yeah, I ain’t going question for question with ya, but instead I’ll leave you with some catch phrases and key words from today’s game:  Poooooop – JewMoon (a.k.a. Jewpiter) – Who Beat The Jews? – Who Rapes Kids? – Boo Berries (The Super Food) – Super Man – Is Billy Crystal A Jew? and many many more!!!   But, uncle Ghostload won’t ever lie to ya kids, this was one of the lamest Ellis JeParties to date, and to top it all off fucking Anal Gay Lewis ended up winning, so you know I ain’t lying!  Still better than 99.99% off shit out there even on Rawdog’s worst day!

 

Just One?

Just One?

“Balls Cant’ Fight Vagnias” so says Jason Ellis.  Yeah they got to talking about Fallon Fox, the transgender female fighter who used to be a dude, and whoops up on women in MMA but claims being a dude back in the day has nothing to do with it.  Joe Rogan disagrees, and here’s the video to prove it!  Ellis said a tranny said its mellow, but then some doctor dude called in and verified that the male body is structurally different than the female body, including thickness of the skull, which we all know is extremely helpful when fighting MMA or doing heel grabs on your fresh blades!  Somehow the same doctor dude also broke down that males have started to under developed their bodies and over developed their brains, in which Tully figured out that aliens are really just humans from the future, hmmm maybe!  Steroids are ok to use also, we figured that out as well.  they’re especially ok to use if your wife makes more money than you do, which is how it is in over half the households in the US says Tully and some article I didn’t bother to look up.  Makes sense to Ellis, he knows a pretty semi famous dude who’s in that exact situation (It’s Psycho Mike in case you were wondering), and at first it was a bit weird, but in the end its all good!  Ellis could see himself being cool with Katie being the breadwinner, and him staying home and cleaning and shit.  Tully on the other hand isn’t so sure, well if he was trying to do something and it wasn’t working out, then had to hear to success of this significant other, yeah that could fucking suck I guess.  You know who doesn’t fucking suck I guess, Bert McCracken, yeah he gets more awesomer each time to get he’s on the show.  Since his last visit, Ellis went to go see Bert and The Used play, and they were’nt that shitty at all.  Bert was pretty fucking sweet, and the other dudes in the band didn’t suck, so thats good!    However, turns out on of those other dudes, who plays bass, used to date Katie back in the day, to which Bert gave a huge compliment saying she’s the only girlfriend dude had that wasn’t a bitch at all.  That’s not why Bert’s here though, nah, he’s here to talk about how he could drink a half gallon of vodka right now, and that meth fucking sucks dude, I mean its cool at first, but the next 20 days awake really fucking blows.  Bert also went to prison one time, not jail, prison!  He described it like this, “You go to jail and you cry, you go to prison and your scared to cry”, oh and he weighed about 80 lbs. when he went in, from meth of course.  Bert ain’t joking either, as today he sparked the idea of Ellis or Tully doing shrooms on air, well ok not sparked but reiterated cause he’s mentioned this before.  Today he really tried to sell it, and thought Ellis and Tully both weren’t about it at all, Rawdog may be down.  Josh’s only concern is being on the air and doing something stupid for us all to hear, to which Tully promised he wouldn’t let him do that, but to which Ellis said he’d just grab the fucking camera and thank Rawdog later – I vote option B!  Speaking of shrooms, if you ever meet Bert, ask to see his driver’s license picture…..taking while on a quarter of shrooms allegedly!

 

 

Which one's Ellis and which one's Rawdog?

Which one’s Ellis and which one’s Rawdog?

Jamey Jasta is the lead singer of Hatebreed in case you haven’t listened to the show in the last 6 months, and Bert says dude is fucking sweet.  That makes it official, Ellis is a dick, especially when Bert said if you like “Brunches at strip clubs” then you’ll like Jamey Jasta, man I fucking like this dude now too.  Maybe we will hear the front man from Hatebreed someday soon and wouldn’t that be the Perfect Day.  Hey, what would the perfect day be for Ellis?  Bacon, Pool Orgy, Smoothies, Burgers, More Bacon, Weed, More Orgies…..basically and orgy with some bud and room service.  Scientists on the other hand seem to have a different take on things.  I know what isn’t a perfect day for The Wing, the day Devin asked for heelys which was just the other day.  Well, Ellismate had to lay down the law with Snook, telling her there are two things in life that are ‘No Way’, heelys and of course rollerblading.  Imaging a young Tiger catching air on his fresh blades and hearing “Nice heel grab Tiger” – fucking oath that’ll be the day.  But then again, never thought I’d hear the day Ellis complimented HerpesStrokeFace, saying today since Dom has joined the show its been nothing but games and guests, fuck yeah Dom!  Well, then why don’t we play a game with our guest Bert McFuckingCracken that goes a little something like this.  Tully, Tully, Tully, Ellis no wait that was Tully.  Yeah, Tully pretty much owned this game, which was to identify the song being covered by a different band and a different genre (Just look up Richard Cheese and you’ll get the idea).  So not going to get into the game which was pretty fucking cool, just give you the gems you may have missed.  Bert went to jail once for Scott Russo.  Ellis hung out with Scott Russo once and woke up with a dick drawn on his head. Bert hates ACDC -and folks, I ain’t ever heard radio silence like this- but he was just joking so he survived this round, but barley.  Bert’s done blow with Shai LaBeouf and Bumblebee allegedly!  Dom’s gonna get some fresh shades from Electric Visual.  Bert’s going to read Ellis’s book.  Bert really really wants TJES to do some shrooms on the air, I mean really wants them too!  Ellis did rollerblade one time while on acid.  Bert put on a diaper and shit himself one time, also on acid.  Dom got the shit beat out of him live on air, well off air in the green room but we all heard it.  Your mom got the shit beat out of her live on freecams.com, but you had to give her 1,000 credits to be able to see me smack it with a tennis racket, OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 4/1/2013

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too_bookoo

First time we banged your mom, she said we were too bookoo. But we all knew that was bullshit & sure enough, she took every inch of the entire NYA platoon.

Wassup bitches!? It’s April 1st and that means I’m gonna go full on douche and play an April Fool’s joke or 3 on your asses. Better be on your toes, sisters! So with it being Monday, guess whose in studio today? If you said Uncle Mayhem, you’d be wrong because that ship sailed awhile ago, and Dingo has been coming in on Mondays for awhile now. Ellis was hanging out with old people while looking at a house, the old lady was cool, but the old guy was shaking his head at Ellis. Ellis was all like, “your pants, your belt buckle is on your belly button and I haven’t shaken my head at you in disgust.” He didn’t say that out loud, but he was thinking it – so maybe that old man got the telepathic message – or maybe not. Do you know what ghost hunters wear when they go out hunting for ghosts and other apparitions? Affliction Clothing. Ellis went running for his workout, Dingo has been running, but also skipping the running and instead eating, oh and Rawdog got invited to and participated in an orgy! April Fools, he is still in the friend zone.

missed_payments

In this monetary based world, if you’re not thinking about money, you’re either rich or dead.

Ellis has been worrying about money, so like anyone suffering through tough economic times, he bought 3 motorcycles over the weekend. But hey, he’s looking to move, maybe he’ll be without a pool, a smaller house, and maybe the kids will have to share a room, but things will work out and the kids seem to really like the idea of it all – so that’s what counts. Rawdog had a pround “big brother” moment yesterday. He’s little brother MC McJewyPants started spitting his flow and impressed his big brother with how much better he’s gotten in the past 6 months. Hey, how do you wanna die? Viking style on a flaming boat? Buried in the ground in case you can become a zombie? Burned into a pile of ashes in a crematorium? All this death talk spurred some pretty upbeat conversations, such as family members dying far too soon and supposed crematories that actually just give you a sack of ashes from a month’s worth of smoking in a dive bar. And with that, Tully tried to steer the conversation to a brighter side by mentioning it’s opening season for baseball and some dude in the NCAA broke his ma-fuggin’ leg. When it first happened, everyone was pissing their pants about how bad it was, but that really doesn’t compare to Clint Malarchuk’s accident.

spider-man_tuna_can

Just watch Spiderman or something, you’ll be much happier.

Jon Jones has pulled out of his fight with Chael Sonnen, he just found out he has AIDs and the athletic commission will not allow him to fight due to the potential threat of other fighters contracting HIV. April Fools, the fight is still on. Georges St. Pierre has to back out of fighting Johnny Hendrix because he wants to be in a movie. Chris Weidman is preparing for his fight with Anderson Sliva, while Anderson is busy picking his balls, and learning how to speak like Steven Seagal. Hollywood news time, Lindsay Lohan’s lawyers have tried to get her to go to rehab and then I trailed off because I’m so sick of hearing about her that I could literally puke, eat said puke, shit that puke out, eat the puke I just shit out, and then shit it out again and slather it all over my body. And that is no April Fools joke. Kim Kardashian is a big fat whale and her stupid shit sisters have all come out to defend her gargantuan structure and say that she is really pregnant, not just eating ice cream sandwiches. Rawdog can’t pronounce Liev Schreiber’s name, we shouldn’t be surprised. Halle Berry wants a law passed where you can’t photograph the young children of celebrities. Justin Bieber got confiscated in Germany. April Fools, it was his pet fucking monkey. Is this dude turning into Michael Jackson or what.

neighbelline

Is Rawdog going to start wearing make-up now too? Come on, buddy! Confront your roommate, if not for your own sakes, for all of ours!

And with that Rawdog brought out a new segment “See It Or Fuck It”, where Rawdog tells you about the movies coming out and Ellis says if he’d see it or not. First up, GI Joe. Survey says, go ahead and see it. Next up was another fucking Tyler Perry piece of shit. Survey says, if you’re black, you know you’re gonna go see that shit, if you’re white, come on. Next was The Host, it sounds horrible. Survey says, avoid that shit like you avoid family functions. Let’s just skip the rest, they’re all shit. Speaking of shit, Rawdog’s gay roommate clogged the toilet with his massive gay turds, and left that shit there for him to deal with. So what’d Rawdog do? Went to Jack In The Box to go potty. What. The. Fuck. Dude gets steamrolled by women, and now by his roommate too? Confrontation is not in Rawdog’s vocabulary, he just got friend zoned by shit. Pretty much everyone is ready to fly across the country to tell Rawdog’s roommate that he’s a dumb motherfucker and he better cut the shit plunge the shit or next time he’ll be eating it. A university study of people in different phases of sexual activity say that the more sex you have, the bigger your brain swells and throbs.

biotics

Gonna go on a date with a porn star? Both of these are going to be your friends.

This leads us into Eva Lovia (thanks @cogdeth, I didn’t hear who it was), who visited the show today. She’s an astrophysicist who proved the Virial theorem in stellar astrophysics. April Fool’s, she’s a 23-year-old porn star. Her and Ellis were supposed to go out one night and he opted to stay home instead, so they smoothed things over and told each other that they look better in person. Then they talked about when she started fucking, who she started fucking, why she started fucking, and other fucking related topics. She does other stuff too, like having fun and activities. But mostly of the fucking activity variety. Ellis wants to pump her for 6 seconds, she’ll let Rawdog pump her for 6 seconds as long as they’re both clothed. Rawdog claimed he could pump more than 4 times in 6 seconds, completely missing the joke Ellis made about him blowing his load too early. It was Dingo, pound-for-pound today’s funniest guest, who jumped on the opportunity to explain the joke to Rawdog. Poor guy.

suprise_patrick

Why didn’t The Lord take the uglier ones first?

Now is when the show moved to “Women, Am I Right?” and we were blessed with a plethora of even smarter women who do things like; blame trained squirrels for destroying their garden, fall out of their vehicles while reversing, along with many other stories, and why you should spill your man nectar on their outsides, not their insides. This brought a single, mini whorecaine into the studio, or better known as Katie. But she’s not stupid, ugly, or dumb. She is a little weird, but fuck it, she’s hot and has nice titties – you’d totally let her walk over your ass if she was yo baby momma, admit it. While we’re at it, I know you’ve been wondering why you cry so much during sex, it’s from the pepper spray, man. OH! Sorry, I know that’s a touchy subject for you. I also know what’s long and hard on you as well. The fourth grade. OH!OH! Which is also the sound your mom made upon her first double penetration. OH!OH!OH! And that’s what dyslexic Santa says. FUCK IT, I’M OUT!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 3/25/2013

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its_barkinsons

Ellis can take care of his dogs, as long as Katie’s there to do it for him.

Staycation is over, time to get back into the swing of things, and what better way to do that than to do stuff. I know, that doesn’t make much sense and isn’t very funny. But maybe it is funny and you just get my high-brow sense of humor? No, that’s not it. It’s not you, it’s me, sorry ’bout that. Nobody has stuck their dick in the voice-altimication machine during the break, so the hammer has been… on the head, or something. Oh, hey, EllisMania.com is supposedly working on mobile devices now, so that’s pretty big news for many of you. Ellis did tons of shit during the staycation and wasn’t sure where to even begin, but he’s full of puppies today. He took his kids pretend extreme falling and Tiger floated around and shit, he also got tuned up a bit at the gym, and rode a mechanical bull. Tully was busy babying it up. Rawdog went to Oakland with a female friend during the staycation, he didn’t fuck any bitches or friends though. He also didn’t eat any shrooms, even though this “friend” said she had a massive bag of them, but didn’t feel like doing any. Say wha? Jude stopped by today after he heard about Rawdog’s chick friend that didn’t give him any shrooms. He gave Rawdog some advice, he needs to bang out an ugly girl and just keep banging her to get his head back in the game. This prompted callers to chime in with their own brand of advice, one of which was “Jennifer” who wanted to take Rawdog out to McDonald’s and maybe take him home, bend him over and fuck him in the ass. By the way, “Jennifer” ended up revealing he was really a dude whilst saying that last bit. ZING!

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I think I might owe money to the Jew-manji jar for this one.

Uh oh, My Chemical Romance has made an astonishing announcement, they are done and over with. There’s a Jew-manji jar now, anytime Ellis says anything anti-semetic, Rawdog says something bad about Australians, and when Tully doesn’t say nice things about Ellis’ penis – they all have to put money in the Jew-manji jar. Davi Millsaps called into the show to explain why the fuck he’s the fastest deformed man in the world, not the points leader, and to deny Ellis of his used tires. Rawdog got gassed out after lifting some kettle bells (via Onnit & Donald Schwartz) and some MMA school training in the prize chamber. Some Cody dude that was the winner at Tiger Box stopped on the show today hoping to do make-up and take photos of the guys for his spank bank book. One of the other Tiger Box competitors got a drumstick in  his asshole, while another got tackled and molested by a shirtless Grant Cobb. Oh, and Katie ate some chicks ass out on stage, and FuckYouDude might possibly have gotten peed on. Wish it was you that had a drumstick up your asshole? Good news! Tiger Box should be happening again in about a month. Except this time Anal Gay-Lewis won’t be calling people up to compete because he totally botched that job this go-around. There was a debate between Rawdog & Tully about the writing between The Woodsman and Big Fucking Mega Boat. This prompted Ellis & Cody to drop a few coins into the Jew-manji jar and make a few comments. That’s also when Tully put a dollar in the Jew-manji jar, leaving us to assume he will be blasting racial comments Rawdog’s way at some point.

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Toy Story took an unexpected turn.

We got to hear a JizzCult dolphin read masturbation news, turns out the dolphin is a bit of a chubby chaser because he likes to think of whales while rubbing himself on some coral. Some chick called in to ask what “Red Dragons” meant, she quickly earned her first Red Dragons after saying her boyfriend once fucked her with a large, cock-sized herb pipe, which she really enjoyed. World’s Greatest Guitar Riff resumed today, here’s how it played out, or at least as best as anyone but Rawdog could tell:

  • Seek & Destroy (Metallica) vs Bro Hymn (Pennywise)
    Seek & Destroy (Metallica) won and moves to the Sweet 16.
  • Walk (Pantera) vs For Whom the Bell Tolls (Metallica)
    For Whom the Bell Tolls (Metallica) won and moves to the Sweet 16.
  • Seek & Destroy (Metallica) vs For Whom the Bell Tolls (Metallica)
    Suprise, Seek & Destroy (Metallica) won and moves to the Elite 8.
  • Twist of Cain (Danzig) vs Crazy Train (Ozzy Osbourne)
    Ozzy won and moves to the Sweet 16.
  • The Thing That Should Not Be (Metallica) vs A New Level (Pantera)
    Pantera won and moves to the Sweet 16.
  • Crazy Train (Ozzy Osbourne) vs A New Level (Pantera)
    A New Level (Pantera) won and moves to the Elite 8.
  • Seek & Destroy (Metallica) vs A New Level (Pantera)
    Seek & Destroy (Metallica) won the Elite 8 spot.
widest_slot

Nope. Your mom has the widest slot you can get.

Mr. X flew with some sticky icky again, and this time his luggage didn’t mysteriously go missing. This chick elegantly explains a recent hail storm. Now, wanna hear her auto-tuned? TJES fan, @TheWoodswoman had her piano version Awesome World played on the show today. In Hollywood news, despite the world’s best efforts, Lil Wayne is not dead. James Franco is allegedly a terrible neighbor by leaving trash everywhere, he makes noises and stuff, and the children, think about the children! Ashley Greene’s house burned down via an unattended candle, and it killed her dog. The house fire, not the candle, the candle was acquitted of the dog murdering charge, but held for the arson charge. Lindsay Lohan struck a plea-bargain and will be going to a 90-day lock down rehab center, even though technically, one does not exist in the US. So the judge said, “Shit, my bad. You can serve that 90-days in jail if you wanna.” Does not having sex with Lindsay Lohan at Coachella while Blur is playing, make Rawdog less of a man? Probably. Peter Murphy got arrested for DUI after doing a hit-and-run number. Cher put one of her homes on the market, it’s in Venice and if you’re a total fucking freak, you can buy that grey pube infested pussy grease trap. Victoria Beckham has announced she’s retiring from singing. Did she ever really sing or was just yappy? Jesse James got married for the fourth time, which automatically makes him the bitch in any and all future relationships he’s in. But hey, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. I mean, I like you, but you could be banging Urkel and you’d still be the bitch in that relationship. OH!