Nope. I’m not jenni_mazky. Surprise! Here’s a bullet point recap in haste. Continue reading
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Hey, it’s Earth Day today! Did you buy the Earth a cake and smash it into the fucking ground? Have you made-out with a tree today? Get some of the bark, baby! Ellis was recently in a cloud of doom, but not any longer, so he’s happy to be here – loud as shit and everything. Rawdog’s vagina ears were hurt, but Tully loves it loud (did you catch his Kiss reference?) and so does Dingo. Would you bang a chick with a vagina on her neck? Would you wear a condom? Dingo saw Swollen Members over the weekend and heard the Red Dragon song live. Ellis has a new friend, Mr. X. Not to be confused with Rawdog’s friend, Mr. X. No, no. This is a totally different Mr. X, and he’s not gay or anything, but he’s done some butt stuff lately. He has a high pressure hose thing, where he can give himself an enema in the shower. The first time Mr. X had tried giving himself an enema, Ms. X was there to help give pointers and a log shot out and hit the deck, causing Ms. X to start laughing. This time, Mr. X kept pushing all kinds of stuff out and was starting to get worried that he might be over-enema’ing (?) and jamming stuff down the shower drain with his foot when he noticed some things aren’t going down the drain. It was pineapple because Mr. X really enjoys pineapple. Ellis had the mermaid party over the weekend and it sounds like it went pretty well – Will’s older son got busted looking at Katie’s ass. Do you believe in life after death? Do you think you’d be happy in the afterlife? Would you need an energy drink? Who knows, what we do know is that while you’re in the life that you have, you gotta go hard in the paint and enjoy as much of it as you can. I guess Adam Carolla said awhile back that women aren’t that funny or as funny as men. That’s nothing new, people have been saying that for a long time so I’m not sure why this was a major point of discussion in the media.
A.J. Clemente. What? You haven’t heard of him? Maybe because his very first appearance on NBC North Dakota TV reading the news, he dropped a “gay fuckin’ shit” live on the air and got fired for it. He was actually trying to pronounce the name of the winner of the London Marathon, “Tsegaye Kebede.” Tully choked hard on the Steampipe Alley TV show when he was 9-years-old, once he saw his face on TV, he forgot how to spell “elected” and bombed out and didn’t get to win his Merlin or whatever kick-ass toy he wanted. Rawdog told the story of the first time he was on radio in college at 5 AM, reading old time radio shows like Flash Gordon, Batman, and Superman. A long time ago, they actually played some clips from that time on the show and holy shit was it hard to listen to, hence the 5 AM slot. In MMA news, Benson Henderson beat Gilbert Melendez, and then Melendez proposed to his girlfriend during a chorus of “boos” from the Melendez-friendly crowd. Daniel Cormier beat Frank Mir and Josh Thomson knocked out Nate Diaz. Moto news, Ryan Barbota (as Dom calls him) Justin Barcia (as the rest of the world calls him) won some shit and other people did not. And that’s all the exciting coverage we can handle, so let’s move on. Dom news, sounds like there were quite a few fans of the show that hate his talk into the cup Lil’ Bane voice. So he was ordered to call into the show via the VIP number instead to see if his voice is any less annoying, I’m guessing to the people who don’t like him, it wasn’t. At least until he called back in with his I’m Batman, drunk and on pills voice, which I don’t see how you couldn’t think it was fantastic. Will “vagina knees” Pendarvis is on crutches from his hard in the paint tactics during the crew’s Friday morning basketball game. Hollywood news time, Reese Witherspoon and her husband got arrested for DUI and she tried to play the celebrity card, it didn’t work. And not to be outdone, Tara Reid had a meltdown while shopping because she couldn’t get a discount. Snoop-Lion-Dogg’s 420 festival got shut down, not for weed smoking but for licensing or some shit. Star Magazine has a list of celebrities people hate, that’s neat (sarcasm). There was a bunch more Hollywood news but I don’t remember most of it, I was driving and watching a little fender bender in front of me. And that’s it for news today, who really wants a shitload of news on Monday anyway, right?
Some dude that fell off a ladder 9 years ago and was paralyzed from the chest down, discovered that he gets orgasmic feelings when he sucks his thumb. It’s generally assumed that he spends a lot of time sucking on that digit. Mitch Fatel came on the show today with his wife, apparently they’re almost swingers, but he doesn’t let her sleep with other dudes yet, but that might be over now that she’s seen Dingo’s luscious locks. Mitch and his wife seemed to take a real liking to Ellis and especially Katie so maybe there’s a hook-up there to be had. They sound just as adventurous for the most part, with the licking of stripper’s asses and such. Oh, and apparently they’re in the process of trying to do a show about all this and more for A&E, which seems odd because this certainly isn’t like Duck Dynasty or whatever. Here’s his “candy cane” joke about bloody vagina, and if you were listening to the show, he doesn’t really talk like David Blaine’s more effeminate brother. Greatest guitar riff time, weeding through the rest of the Sweet 16 to complete the list of Elite 8. And here they are:
- Guns N’ Roses
- Led Zeppelin
- Jimi Hendrix
- Dire Straits
That’s no typo, sisters! Slayer has two different songs in the contest, showing just how badass they are. And there you have it, your Elite 8 for the Greatest Guitar Riff of All-Time. So goes another mega, cram packed too much show and a mega, cram packed too much re-cap. I know, you’re thinking, “what’s the deal with all the fucking images in today’s post?” My answer to that is, I don’t know man. I was just feeling it and decided to put them in. Besides, everyone loves good images. No? Well shit, sorry then. I guess too many images is a lot like being a pedo, it’s hard to fit in. HEYOH! Oh, come on. Now you’re gonna be upset about that joke? It’s not like someone said the brighter side of the marathon bombings is that the Paralympics just got a bunch more competition. Shit. Okay, sorry about that one. I’m just digging a bigger hole here. Well, let me just close it out proper, I just want to make you all laugh and enjoy reading all this. A new golf course opens in town. It’s rather shabby, and business starts off slow. The owner, taking matters into his own hands, builds three robots to help tidy the place up. For the next week, the place is impeccable; word spreads and people come from all over to try out the new course. Most customers love it, but there’s one complaint: the robots are too shiny, and they sometimes reflect sunlight into the golfers’ eyes when they’re trying to swing. To solve this problem, the owner paints the robots black, thinking it will be a quick and easy fix. The next day, two of the robots don’t show up to work and the third robs a convenience store. OH!
I know. You’re all like, “Hey, what the fuck, man? It’s a ‘Best of Ellis’ show all this week!” And I’m all like, “Yeah, man. I know!” So you’re all like, “So why are you doing a re-cap today?” And that’s when I was like, “Dude, this isn’t your normal re-cap, this is something different.” So then you’re all like, “So how the fuck is this different?” And finally, I’m all like, “Because, dude. I’m going to go back in time, hit a few old re-caps and give you an overview of the show then and the show now. Like a ‘Best of NYA Re-Caps, Kinda’.” Okay, are we all on the same page now? No? Fuck. Look, here’s the deal. We here at NYA decided to try something new to keep you all entertained. Normally on “Best of Ellis” shows, we don’t do re-caps. This time we decided to our own “Best of NYA” re-caps. We all good now? Fantastic! So let’s jump right into this shit.
Remember how Ellis used to do “World’s Greatest Wednesday” almost every Wednesday, until we all beat that shit into the ground? Those were fun as shit, and since the show is in the midst of a “March Madness: Greatest Guitar Riff” contest, let’s travel back to Wednesday, February 15, 2012 when we had a WGW to find the top 10 guitar solos. Click the link above to read the re-cap and see the top 10 guitar solos. And for the lazy, I’ll give you the overall winner, which was: David Gilmour – Comfortably Numb. Another WGW blast from the past was the first time Cumtard was let go from the show. Travel back to Wednesday, February 29, 2012 to see the top 10 things for Cumtard to do for money since he no longer had a job. The number one spot was secured by: Cumtard becoming a freeway clown. What about a WGW for the best thing to do with $2000? Jump to Wednesday, March 7, 2012 when it was decided the best thing to do was: Buy a top hat, a shitload of Jack Daniels, and shoot a moose. Good times, good times.
During the show, we’re always introduced to new and different people, most of them are pretty fucking cool too. But every once in awhile, we get to meet someone super special, like Thomas Haden Church, Rude Jude, or Mr. X. In a segment about bad ideas from Friday, February 3, 2012, one of the first times we were introduced to the first of many stories involving Mr. X, he was returning from Las Vegas after an EllisMania. At the airport, he got his bottle of shampoo confiscated, boarded the play back to LAX and then suddenly could not find his luggage after landing. Instead of going up to the counter to ask if his luggage had been lost, Mr. X waited a full two days before working up the courage to even ask about his lost luggage. Why? Because he had weed in that very same luggage. Don’t remember this story or want to hear more Mr. X stories such as getting snowballed or cumming in his pants? Allow me to introduce you to cobratits.com.
Ellis gets a lot of hook-ups from different companies, even ones that aren’t his sponsors, some of them work out and others just fizzle into nothingness. You may remember when Brazzer’s tried contacting him over Twitter, and you may also remember how nothing came (innuendo) from that contact. I’m going to assume you also don’t remember Thursday, March 1, 2012 when Amtrak – the fucking train service – tweeted him. The idea the guys were considering was to see if Amtrak could offer packages to people who were making the trek to EllisMania’s in Las Vegas. That idea quickly faded once everyone realized that they don’t have any service routes to Las Vegas. Then another idea came into play, the possibility of using the train as a possible stage for Death! Death! Die! to perform on. Of course, nothing came out of that contact either, but hey, it’s the thought and potential that counts, right?
Well, that about covers our trip to the past for today, time travel can make you very sleepy and disorienting. Use your bumper sticker to ease your mind, have “no fear” as I count backwards from 3, you’re starting to feel normal again, 2 you’re eyes are open and you pants are back on, 1 you recognize your surroundings are contemplating a drink. *SNAP* You are back in the now, you’re time travel was a success and you are relatively safe until. At least until you remember what Penn & Teller looked like when they were young. YIKES!
The Olympics are over, and so is our Olympic coverage. Sure, we never actually wrote one damned thing solely about the Olympics, but that’s just a minor detail we can ignore. I’ll say this though, I bet there was more porn watched online today since the start of the Olympics. I mean, no more of that sweet, sweet, underage poon flipping all over your TV is going to make an impact. By the way, we don’t condone getting sexually aroused by watching that sweet, sweet, underage poon on your TV – that’s just fucking irresponsible and disgusting. I think. Pretty sure. Yup, I’m sure. Speaking of shit that’s just wrong, Cumtard was in the studio today in place of Rawdog – I assume Rawdog’s absence is because his “friend” Mr. X has fallen seriously ill due to all the snowballing he’s been doing lately, and not that he’s at a wedding in New York.
Cumtard went to a tranny party this weekend, everybody got naked, slipped into the hot tub, and started getting jacked off by one of the trannies. He claims he stopped it after 3 tugs because he was starting to get a chubby, but I think he’s the only person who actually believes that part. Judging by the picture and eye witness accounts – including from his current house guest, he was flirting all night with this girl and leading her on. I guess if you strike out with a chick because you shit your pants, you’ve only got so many other options. However, the best thing about fucking a tranny is reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
Ellis Staph Shaffington has staph infection on his dick. You read that right. He showed it to Dingo, who promptly flipped the fuck out and said it looked like an over-sized herp. That has got to be fucking horrible, for everyone involved with that pee-pee. In case you missed it on Twitter over the weekend, Mayhem and Dana White traded tweets back and forth. The exchange seemed to start off friendly but quickly started to take an uncomfortable turn. I’ll say one thing about all that, it was the most entertaining thing I saw on Twitter Saturday. Here’s the start of the whole thing. Fuck Kony2012, Mayhem2012, am I right?
Not one to be outdone, Mayhem also got arrested today for being naked, inside a church, and fucking the place up. After hearing of this breaking news, Ellis immediately went to break and sounded bummed out. I’m sorry to say this, but after the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking Mayhem might be slowly losing his mind – and so far that just might turn out to be true, he sure seems to be acting out quite differently than his usual antics. I sure hope that dude turns his shit around before he goes completely off the deep end. On a lighter note and in another “Hey, me and Ellis have this in common” story, he was on a boat with Katie and his kids and got caught in a badass storm. Guess who else got stuck on a boat in a badass storm? Yup, this guy – last week. See? That’s like the 2nd story we’ve had in common, we’re connected now, right? No? Yea, you’re probably right.
And now, final thoughts of the Rawdog Memorial Show… actually, it’s more of a story. One day, guy goes to your mom’s house and tells her that he only wants to spend 5 bucks. She thinks for a bit, then says, meet me in the bedroom down the hall and on the left. The guy goes to the bathroom and then walks to the bedroom. He puts it in and it’s the worst feeling he’s ever had on his dick, it’s like sandpaper and teeth. He pulls out and tells her. “Um. something’s wrong, can you do something about that?” She crinkles her face, then says, “Why of course! But it will run you another five bucks.” She pockets the fiver and goes to the bathroom and is back in no time. The guy puts it back in and now, it’s the complete opposite: it’s the best feeling he’s ever had, and finishes in a flash. Panting, he asks her, “oh my god… that felt amazing… what did you do??” She smiles, and says, “for the extra five bucks, I pick the scabs.” OH!