Show Re-Cap for Monday 1/27/2014


What I’m about to do to your mind, and then your mom.

It’s today again, you know the day, Monday. And you might think you know what’s coming, and there’s a good chance you’re right. But what if you’re wrong? Just what if? Huh? Well now is the time to test yourself, let’s see how right or wrong you were. One day Ellis had some heart fluttering shit going on, it was hard to breathe and he was freaking, but that day changed his life. Did you know that? Liar. Dingo’s in-studio today. Did you know that? Liar. A little bit of snot is no big deal, which is good, because Ellis still has a little bit of snot leftover from his mega-cold. Even though it’s embarrassing to admit, Ellis has been thinking about famous people lately, and he’s been getting caught up in it. Meanwhile, Tully has never stopped thinking about famous people. Jenna Jameson was going off on Twitter, posting a bunch of pictures of Tito’s roid fridge. I don’t know why I posted that. Do you? Liar. See, I’m starting to think you don’t EVEN know! Ellis & Dingo almost 2-door Porsche’d it right into a shit-green something or another, but they didn’t.


Whatever it is, can we put wheels on it and ramp it?

Ellis went to Nitro Circus over the weekend and got an email from Trip Taylor. Then he saw some PJ Clapp dude making jokes about “chuck it me dumpa” in the same email. Ellis didn’t know who this dude was so he responded back with, “Really?”, to which PJ Clapp responded with, “Sorry, I didn’t mean for that to go to you” – which PJ Clapp most certainly did mean it to go to Ellis. Then Cumtard came in to remind Ellis of Johnny Knoxville’s real name… Philip John Clapp (aka PJ Clapp) WHOOPSY! Ellis finally got the joke and now he feels like an asshole. Good times, good times. Anyway, did you know Nitro Circus has rollerbladers in their show? Oh, you did? That figures. OH! Well they also have bathtubs. Pretty much anything they can think of to jump off a ramp, they’ve probably got it. Ellis started reading a bit from his new book and he cringed a bit at what he was reading. He’s brutally honest in this book as he always is, but he feels like he’s changed so much since a year ago when Tully started writing this new book. He felt like he sounded a bit pathetic, like he was dying for people to pay attention to him and accept him, and his priorities have changed since then. It’s no longer about just as much money and having sex with as many women as possible. He’s more concerned about what he does and says and how it affects his kids, himself, and the people around him. Ellis noticed how different he feels lately while he was at Dingo’s birthday party, full of quasi famous people who are materialistic, insecure, and busy blowing smoke up each others asses to help make themselves feel like their more famous and important than they really are. Since he started to act like that at one, point he now see’s how unhappy some of the people are because they spend their time worrying so much about shit that should take a back seat to more important things in life that help make a truly happy life. God damn, we got a little deep there, right?


Uh oh. I got a feeling they’re gonna talk about The Grammys.

Hey, did you know you can get your copy of Awesome Guide To Life signed by Ellis by going to Okay, I believe you. Next up, we have the world’s hottest MMA correspondent, Kenda Perez and her super hot dog Dexter, with MMA News so everyone button up you pants – that includes you too Dingo. Tully didn’t get to catch all of it, but from what he gathers, he didn’t miss much. Ooooohhhh! BURN! Turns out Benson Henderson beat Josh Thomson, Thomson said he broke his hand during the fight, we all heard it. The post fight, Benson threw up the Diamond Cutter sign and looked like a doof because that sign has nothing to do with God. He didn’t help his case any when during the fight, he had to tuck his jerry curl behind his ears, to which everyone watching had a nice collective chuckle over. Gabriel Gonzaga also broke his hand and lost his fight against Stipe Miocic, he also needs to shave his back and train in a real gym instead of on the jungle gym. Donald Cerrone won in spectacular fashion with a nice kick to de head of Adriano Martins, it was awesome and so is Cowboy. Alex Caceres won his fight against Sergio Pettis, which was a pretty entertaining fight and Sergio, even with his loss, looked really good for his age and experience. I’m sure one day he’ll grown into a real manimal and be a force to be reckoned with as he continues to improve. Also, Alex’s afro and dance moves before the fight were pretty entertaining. But do you know what wasn’t entertaining? The Grammys. I didn’t even watch it, but I feel confident in saying that it was not entertaining. Therefore, I shall not discuss it and it can go straight to Hades. Thank you.


Whose Tully talking about? Is it me? You? No. It’s… her.

Tully had a dream about a fan. A female fan *cough* @emilyInSD. FUCK! I mean… that he made cry because he was trying to tell her that he was flattered, but married. Instead, it came out more like if he weren’t married, they totally be doing it. So I’ve got some more good news and bad news. Tomorrow on the show, Sam Rubin. I know. BUT… also on the show tomorrow, Thomas Haden Church! Tiger Ellis is doing ollies on his skateboard now, and he’ll kick the shit outta some 2-year-old prodigy, so fuck that other kid. Not literally, come on man! Actually, this 2-year-old is a fucking champ! Continuing with Aussie News, scientists have discovered a newfound sex organ in koalas’ throats. Dingo was at the winter X-Games, so was The Backbone – Dingo totally fucked him over too (not really), but guess who wasn’t there, Shaun White. He’s all about the Olympics right now, and playing guitar in that terrible band, and wearing super tight jeans, and whatever else soulless redheads do. Let’s see, Moto News, and this time there’s no Tickle Time. I know, it breaks your little heart. It did mine too. Ryan Dungey looked solid all day, man. That’s about all I know because work loves to cut into my fucking off time. New intern on TJES today, his name for now is Andrew (Instagram). He’s never heard the show, he’s from Cincinnati, Ohio, he has a girlfriend, and a horn growing out of dick. In case you’re wondering, one of those things is a lie. You make the call. He’s in a hardcore band, he’s straight edge, and enjoys a nice root beer on his birthday. Oh, one more thing… he has a trust fund.


What you look like while I celebrate all the new kick ass shit I just got from TJES.

India says dolphins are not people or something. Breaking News, ladies and gentlemen, its with partial joy and partial sadness that I hereby announce that after years of captivity, I have officially escaped from the prize chamber. I may be suffering from Stockholm syndrome, but trust me, if you ever have a chance to get in the prize chamber – you’re going to love it! Cumtard got in trouble for something, but I can’t remember because all I can think about is all the new kick ass shit I just got from TJES. They punished him somehow, but I can’t remember because all I can think about is all the new kick ass shit I just got from TJES. I don’t even know what all else happened because, yup, all I can think about is all the new kick ass shit I just got from TJES. If any of you would like to know more about all the new kick ass shit I just got from TJES, just let me know, I’d be happy to describe how fucking cool it is to you. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 12/11/2013


BOOM! First paragraph and I’m killing it! Or not.

Welcome to Wednesday, welcome to this thing, and it is indeed a thing. Lets put you in the right mood before we start. First off, I’m willing to bet most of you reading this are not currently menstruating. How am I doing so far? Good. Secondly, I’m willing to bet most of you reading this are not currently married to Wilson. Am I right? Good. Finally, I’m willing to bet most of you reading this are not currently still reading this. I knew it! Okay, now we’re ready to begin. Ellis learned something new today, he be all like “oooooooohhh” instead of just being like “yeeeeeaaaaaahhhh” and that’s going to change the face of your face and the button bar’s face. Some caller said he rolled his car while listening to the show, a couple of tense moments as we didn’t hear from the caller – we all thought he was dead, but then a miracle happened! He remembered he called into the show and then he spoke! AMAZING! SCIENCE! WIENERS! Dingo’s not here today, but he kind of is because he knows what everybody is doing at all times. Tully went to have drinks last night with an old pal, after three drinks he began to question what the fuck he was doing – I call it having a good time. ~Kid Rock He doesn’t know what else to do when just hanging out. He refuses to meet anyone for a coffee after dark, which I fully agree with, that’s a negative Ghostrider. Tully might have also cracked a mystery puzzling the entire world, Ryan Seacrest may indeed be gay. Ellis had a meeting last night with a production company about TV shows, I assume TV shows he’ll never be given a chance to be in, even if they are his own. They talked about the idea of Ellis Mini-Moto Mania, mixed with a TUF style elimination set of rounds. So now that’s the show they’re going to pitch and Tully will now be a part of since he thought of the good part.


Sign language ain’t so hard.

You know Nelson Mandela died, right? Yeah, well, some dude pretending to use sign language during the memorial was there. Not doing anything even remotely close to sign language. This guy is basically going around trolling services with his fake sign language, and for that, I salute you Mr. Big Fat Phony Sign Languager Guy. Tully’s had enough being condemned to a chair by the man, he tested out his idea of pacing around the studio while talking. Manny Pacquiáo might be broke as shit, which would make sense because he’s a Filipino and as we all saw from that typhoon, the entire country lives in metal shacks. While waiting for some big wieners and some hot buns, they killed some time by handing out a few Wolfknives names to new members. To properly do this, Ellis joined Tully in pacing around the studio, which I supported by pacing around my office while writing this – thank you technology and legs and you too feet! Metallica became the first band in the history of the world to play on every continent on Earth, even Antarctica.


Wait. We’re talking about hot dogs?

Finally. WIENERS! Angie Stevenson, her sister, and one of her hot friends came in bearing gifts, the gift of wieners. She runs a wiener truck that makes the claim “The biggest wieners and the hottest buns” so we shall see if they live up to the hype. You may also remember her from the Taintstick video Apple Juice, or maybe you know her from her porn days as Angie Savage – you dirty little masturbator. Side note, Ellis has boinked Angie, allegedly of course. She says they’re trying to make it wholesome brand, which I suppose shaking your tits and ass at sixteen-year-old and overloading on the sexual innuendos could be considered wholesome. This is ‘MURICA, damn it! So without further tits ado, the guys had the wiener girls and wiener boy (Wilson) help make an intro for the show. It was a little painful to hear one of the chicks try to stammer out words, but Wilson’s bits really smoothed out the rough edges, especially his German gaping voice. Then we went to break so everyone could fill their wholes with some meaty wieners and relish in the deliciousness of a premium tube of meat by products.


Leaving the wiener bit behind.

We came back with some news about a drunk driver whose lawyer successfully got his client off. To something. I don’t know. Christian Hand is in studio, which makes sense because it gave him a chance to run into hot chicks. But he also has some Grammy nominations, none of which include Death! Death! Die! So who is up for a Grammy this year? I don’t fuckin’ care, go check it out for yourself, ya lazy fucker! I will tell you this though, it’s no wonder I don’t give a shit about the Grammy’s, because every track they played (with the except of a few) was fucking terrible. I don’t know why people listen to this shit, much less vote on it. Also, Tully has an inner eleven-year-old girl inside of him. Hey, some church members were actin’ a fool, if you can believe that. Who could play Ozzy in a movie about Ozzy / Black Sabbath? Mel Gibson? Glenn Danzig? Bert McCracken? Kelly Osbourne? Who knows.

An Australian fisherman was fishing, as you’d expect, he dropped his beer in the river, fished it out and drank it. Yeah, he got sick as fuck with a large mass of shit protruding from his stomach. He had surgery to have it removed, which left him with an even larger bulging stomach, so another surgery was done. Guess what? That bulging stomach shit came back, he had surgery again and it just keeps coming back. Ah, that’s a piss’a mate. Remember how Dingo was pissed off at that hack Beacher from Beacher’s Madhouse? Turns out he snubbed the Dings when Miley invited him into the club, the Dinger wasn’t allowed in, mate. That’s cause for war in La La Land. Black people are jealous of white people because tattoo colors show up better are us crackers. White people are jealous of black people because they’re better at damn near every sport and they just tend to look way cooler no matter what they’re wearing. Did you know Shoebox pulled a Church of Haden when he saved a man’s life, choking on a chicken bone, by giving him the Heimlich maneuver? Nobody knew, because hero’s don’t go around flaunting their heroics. Sounds like Death! Death! Die! playing at a club after the AVN’s might not happen because of shady motherfuckers who are all shady and shit, but nothing is 100% yet. And that, my friends, is today’s show and today’s wienercap. A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks, “Why the long face?” The horse accidentally runs into a few things, shits on the floor, and then leaves. OH!


What does my face look like when I cum?

Show re-cap for Friday, 9/20/2013

Welcome to the end, not the for reals end, just the end of the week. Ellis was almost late today also. Not because he was playing bumper cars but because he was not prepared but fuck it. Hahaha butt fuck it. Welcome to the Friday recap folks and stay tuned for more hilarious commentary like that. Ellis is having issues with finding a sparring partner, it’s tough to find someone to punch early in the morning. Apparently all the good guys are in the gym in the middle of the day because they don’t bother with peasant work and actors rocky.park_.bench_1don’t like getting punched in the face. He did however get the opportunity to box with a ginormous shredded black dude. Ellis got rocked because the dude was way better of a boxer but during the fourth round he was just trying to keep Ellis motivated to keep going. And he called Ellis baby, then they went for tea. It was a wonderful evening. Tully might have to take a staycation again because he’s working on another book, he says it’s his fault that they are not taking a proper vacation but personally I blame The Man. Ellis is still planning on going to Panama and jumping into the ocean off his deck. Rawdog didn’t say where he’s planning on going, so most likely he will just be giving his girlfriend the D the entire time. Ever watch Rocky and wonder how many miles he’s running in that classic scene? Neither did I till now, some dude figured it all out so I can finally sleep at night. A dude called in saying something about obesity being a disease and not a decision but honestly it’s a little of both. It has everything to do with metabolism, eating habits, activity levels, genetics, etc. Speaking of lard asses, a baby in Saudi got up to 72 pounds and is the youngest person to get gastric bypass ever. All the experts say that you shouldn’t diet, it’s a life change, you actually need to change everything you do, oh and also educate yourself, all them word books might learn you a thing or two.

Damien Esteban, son of Satan and Gloria, was a teacher who served jury duty and got caught with heroine in his backpack and then got fired and then cried like a bitch to the courts and then had to get rehired so now Mr. Smack is back to work teachin the youth of tomorrow. The mythical blue tiger of China may have been spotted but most likely it had stripes, da dum tssss. “Cocaine up the butt story singer woman” <- this was in my notes and it made me laugh so enjoy. The new iPhones are selling mainly because you can get a finger print one or a cheap one with a number of color options, or because they also come in gold. The cool thing about the gold ones is that they are ergonomically designed to fit inside your rectum with minimal discomfort Then they talked about the weird shit in food flavoring like that castorium stuff that comes from beaver buttholes. But I think we have talked enough about beaver buttholes on this site so I will refrain from discussing beaver buttholes any more. Beaver buttholes.

And you thought cat buttholes were nasty, but at least this tastes like vanilla.

And you thought cat buttholes were nasty, but at least this tastes like vanilla.

Cumtard the Cumtardian from Sector Tard came in to do the two things he does best, smoke weed and put things in his butt. All alleged of course. The alleged idea is that somehow they would get weed smoke inside Kevin’s ass with the attempt to get him high and also to get him to fart smoke. I can’t properly explain the technique used during the first attempt but I can assure you that it did not work too well. After the first failed attempt, Kevin and Rawdog went into the green room and emerged with the mechanics of the second try, a balloon full of smoke. With the help of Tully and Josh, Kevin accepted an entire balloon of smoke that was attached to the end of the turkey baster. All in all the experiment didn’t turn out as well as hoped. The smoke farts were almost none and the discomfort of cramming a turkey baster in your turd cutter makes it a far less desirable way of getting high than the many other options, but he did catch a good high, allegedly.

"Cumtarding" and how it might be killing your kids, tonight at eleven!

“Cumtarding” and how it might be killing your kids, tonight at eleven!

An Arizona man has been accused of branding his initials on his girlfriends genitals, hopefully he will die from a thousand AIDS dicks cramming him in every orifice for the next fifty years. On a more awesome note, a  61 year old man in Texas went into the hospital drunk but hadn’t drank a drop, it turned out to be a yeast allergy and was essentially brewing beer in his stomach, God likes him a lot.

In case you missed Metallica Live from the Apollo on SiriusXm channel 111 our good friend, the artist formerly known as @Cobratits, @SXMRob, has a gift for you.

Thomas Hayden Church joined us after the break. They talked about Kevin being a dick on the phone, Metallica, keeping the faith, the clap getting clapped outta your dick, the porche, and THC’s newest movie that he’s filming that he’s playing a street fighter in. Thomas talked about the movie industry and the drop in movies and how he doesn’t want to be on a TV show because he doesn’t want to be away from his kids in Texas. And then they just hung out and chatted and bullshitted like friends that haven’t seen each other in a while and are catching up over a bucket of beers. I’m trying to think of something funny to say for the ending but I’m not in the mood because I’m outta money and yer mums free trial is already over, OH!


Show Re-cap for Friday 8/23/2013

Welcome, welcome to the show recap, listen read as we tell you everything you need to know, about chicks and fighting, and moto. But mostly check out these balls recaps! Ellis might be overdoing it with Katie’s mum jokes, almost every comment is followed by yer mum, yer mums ass, I’m gonna eat it off yer mums ass, etc. Funny as it might be, Ellis thinks he should tone it down a little, with yer mum. Tully’s wife’s grandma died so he’s not in today, he might be on a plane to China or not, I don’t know and neither does anybody else. Rawdog can’t button his shirt correctly, just another surprising lack of ability from the adorable bush baby. Ellis is trying not to be a slugger in boxing, he’s trying to be a boxers boxer, a black boxer to be exact. He just needs to work more on his footwork and his tan. Ellis talked about how back in the day PLG boxed him and hit him in the side and knocked the wind out of him. Speaking of fighting, Will once got in a fight with a road rager and they were hauling ass and the dude was trying to run Will off the road. But slick Willy had a faster car and sped away and after he thought he was safe he pulled into gas station. Next thing Wilson knew, in pulled the dude. He got out of his car and before William could get



his window rolled up he punched him about three times in de face. Next the guy hollered, “Come on boys” and two more dudes got out carrying a bat and pipe. Willshire then started his car, whipped around the other car, got plate number, then took off through back roads. When Willavitch got home he told his daddy and he then called the sheriff. The sheriff said the dude was just released from prison for killing his wife with hammer and suggested that the Willingtons just forget about it. No charges were filed. This brought up the discussion of bad driving and shitty drivers. I would like to finish this recap today so I’m just gonna say, don’t be a dick and drive slow in the left lanes, if you do you should have to drive a Prius forever as a punishment. Ellis got props from Votaspa because he talks about them all the time on the radio. Then a dude called in asking about his mushroom tip showing through his swim trunks and if it’s inappropriate, the answer is yes, yes it’s a vulgar display of penis.

Circumcisions in the US are down to 58% mainly in the west where they are down to 40%. Score one for the hooded vagina basher. Somebody had the balls to get audio clip of Anderson The Spider Silva trying to say Red Dragons over and over again. He couldn’t quite get it right so, Head Dragons mother fuckers! They then played The Greatest Small Town In America, how did they ever think of the name? Everything was going well then THC called in with his small town, Vanderville Texas. Everybody else didn’t have shit on THC, who is also doing a movie about that Colton Burpo kid, until Jeff called in with Alma Colorado where they have more dispensaries and bars that churches or schools and an Almart, it’s like Walmart but an Almart. SiriusXM is having a contest where you can win the chance to see Metallica at an intamate show at the Apollo Theater, and by intimate I mean, bring lube.

Lives in a small town, knows Josh Adam Richmond

Lives in a small town, knows Josh Adam Richmond

Here’s the video of the motorcyclist in BC that hit a black bear. Yesterday at the theater before josh fainted somebody yelled Ben Aflack is going to be the next Batman. Idon’t give a fuck and if you do, well i don’t give a fuck about you giving a fuck. There was going to be a game but Malice overslept and ruined the game.It was going to be awesome but instead they assigned more Wolfknife names. To my surprise BitPimps is really Tim Wright, even I didn’t know the real identity of the infamous creator of NoYouAre.

Ellis is gonna go hang with Suzuki(?) this weekend and is gonna go vibe the Green Team while Katie secretly videos it because he can and it might be funny, and he’s also going to fat-football-player-runningthe Lake Elsinore Redbull Street League with Rob Dyrdek and Chad Reed. I dunno, there’s a lot of shit going on so get off your cottage cheese ass and do something. South Korea is the leading country for plastic surgery. They are getting a procedure called smile crest surgery done so it looks like they are always smiling. Koreans also rarely have sex after childbirth. That’s why so many turn to prostitution and a Brazilian dude called in and knows a couple Korean chicks and they are total sluts. They did Doing Stuff With Katie and maily chicks called in to bitch about their boyfriends and if you are ever in doubt on how to get your guy to do something just remember this, blowjobs and stretching that pussy over my face bro. But be careful, last time yer mum did that it was ruled as an accidental homicide, OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 6/17/2013

naked_gun_leslie_nielsenFull studio today, Tully is back from his super secret mega meeting on a movie set, Dingo is back from New York, Rawdog is no longer grounded, and Ellis is there in his normal chair. Tully wears pajamas and buys top of the line slippers, not that ratty looking shit, he’s on top of his slipper game. Ellis and Dingo are straight boxer shorts wearing mofo’s, no word about Rawdog’s sleepwear but I’m just going to pretend he wears a see through nightgown. Ellis confession time. Ellis’ therapist said he was supposed to go out and ask a pretty girl for their number, he even went out and got a book about how to pick up chicks. He went out to put himself in the position to meet new people and got bored and left. STEEERIKE 1! However, he did go out to see Ironman 3 with a chick last night, but he fell asleep. STEEERIKE 2! Ellis also just signed a deal to fight somebody, so he’s back out of retirement and in the fight game. Ellis and Rawdog went out on a double-date with each other, they all met at Chateau Marmont for $400 drinks and food. Ellis might be have obtained celebrity status as he was ushered into the “special” area and Rawdog was not to be trusted and had to be walked to the table to make sure he belonged there. Rawdog was the one to suggest they go there to take Ellis out to apologize for Friday’s fiasco. But as soon as that bill came, he balked on Ellis paid the tab. Tully got his breakfast on Friday paid for by a billionaire. He was on the set of a baseball movie that he’s writing the book for. It’s about two dudes that travel to India looking to draft some dudes to be the majors or some shit. He got to meet Jon Hamm, Bill Paxton, the kid from that movie Life of Pi, and some other people. The UFC fights weren’t so great this time, even Dana admitted they sucked. There was a bunch of MMA talk and some secret “Mac” guy, whose also a pro fighter, even called in to discuss some the aspects.

glitter_is_my_favorite_colorWomen, am I right time! Miss Utah sounded ridiculously stupid recently when she tried to give an insightful answer on gender inequality in America. Watch what you do with your wad fellas. Ladies can take your wad from the tissues you blew in and jam that cock snot into their vag and make a baby. Wad can be preserved! New York’s “hot dog hooker” has been arrested again, her wiener’s bring all the boys to the yard. Some dude on a train was talking about cheating on his wife and some chick on the train overheard it and tweeted that shit to Facedong and it got a shitload of likes and nobody knows if the wife found out. A pregnant woman in New Orleans reached over a counter and helped herself to a frozen daqueri, after being confronted, she produced a hand gun and threatened shoot the motherfucker. Pregnant and drunk is no way to go through life, sister. Some drunk lawyer chick in Brooklyn threw her panties at cops during her freak out and yelled “suck my pussy” and “eat my ass, you fucking pigs!” This is not the lawyer you want defending you. Bonus, her boyfriend broke up with her. A Canadian female police officer reported being shot, causing a hunt for the gunman, turns out she shot herself. Some other dipshit chick walked into a glass door and then was trying to sue for physical and emotional damages, but not brains.

wutang_beesHollyturd news time. Lil’ Wayne hates America, he stepped all over the American flag while “rapping” in one of his music videos. Also he plans to retire. Yay! Samsung is going to be giving 1 million of their customer’s a copy of Jay-Z’s new album “N-bombs in Wisconsin”. Obama vs Putin in a swimming competition, and something about Ed Hardy garbage. More stuff, but I was in traffic and forgot. The one thing I didn’t forget? It’s Thomas Haden Church’s birthday today, so happy birthday (not paying royalties for it) to that legend! Malicexxx and some Tara chick came on the show for some wad talk, it was wadalicious. There was some talk about bears and sharks too, but I was still in traffic and busy wishing everyone would just crash so I could get through – so I’m not real sure what else to say about those two animals. Instead, I’ll tell you this. Three sluts are in a bar. The first slut says, “my vag’s so big, I can fit a whole fist in!” The second slut says, “So what? I can fit two!” The third slut just smiles and slides slowly down the barstool. OH!