Show Re-Cap for Monday 6/17/2013

naked_gun_leslie_nielsenFull studio today, Tully is back from his super secret mega meeting on a movie set, Dingo is back from New York, Rawdog is no longer grounded, and Ellis is there in his normal chair. Tully wears pajamas and buys top of the line slippers, not that ratty looking shit, he’s on top of his slipper game. Ellis and Dingo are straight boxer shorts wearing mofo’s, no word about Rawdog’s sleepwear but I’m just going to pretend he wears a see through nightgown. Ellis confession time. Ellis’ therapist said he was supposed to go out and ask a pretty girl for their number, he even went out and got a book about how to pick up chicks. He went out to put himself in the position to meet new people and got bored and left. STEEERIKE 1! However, he did go out to see Ironman 3 with a chick last night, but he fell asleep. STEEERIKE 2! Ellis also just signed a deal to fight somebody, so he’s back out of retirement and in the fight game. Ellis and Rawdog went out on a double-date with each other, they all met at Chateau Marmont for $400 drinks and food. Ellis might be have obtained celebrity status as he was ushered into the “special” area and Rawdog was not to be trusted and had to be walked to the table to make sure he belonged there. Rawdog was the one to suggest they go there to take Ellis out to apologize for Friday’s fiasco. But as soon as that bill came, he balked on Ellis paid the tab. Tully got his breakfast on Friday paid for by a billionaire. He was on the set of a baseball movie that he’s writing the book for. It’s about two dudes that travel to India looking to draft some dudes to be the majors or some shit. He got to meet Jon Hamm, Bill Paxton, the kid from that movie Life of Pi, and some other people. The UFC fights weren’t so great this time, even Dana admitted they sucked. There was a bunch of MMA talk and some secret “Mac” guy, whose also a pro fighter, even called in to discuss some the aspects.

glitter_is_my_favorite_colorWomen, am I right time! Miss Utah sounded ridiculously stupid recently when she tried to give an insightful answer on gender inequality in America. Watch what you do with your wad fellas. Ladies can take your wad from the tissues you blew in and jam that cock snot into their vag and make a baby. Wad can be preserved! New York’s “hot dog hooker” has been arrested again, her wiener’s bring all the boys to the yard. Some dude on a train was talking about cheating on his wife and some chick on the train overheard it and tweeted that shit to Facedong and it got a shitload of likes and nobody knows if the wife found out. A pregnant woman in New Orleans reached over a counter and helped herself to a frozen daqueri, after being confronted, she produced a hand gun and threatened shoot the motherfucker. Pregnant and drunk is no way to go through life, sister. Some drunk lawyer chick in Brooklyn threw her panties at cops during her freak out and yelled “suck my pussy” and “eat my ass, you fucking pigs!” This is not the lawyer you want defending you. Bonus, her boyfriend broke up with her. A Canadian female police officer reported being shot, causing a hunt for the gunman, turns out she shot herself. Some other dipshit chick walked into a glass door and then was trying to sue for physical and emotional damages, but not brains.

wutang_beesHollyturd news time. Lil’ Wayne hates America, he stepped all over the American flag while “rapping” in one of his music videos. Also he plans to retire. Yay! Samsung is going to be giving 1 million of their customer’s a copy of Jay-Z’s new album “N-bombs in Wisconsin”. Obama vs Putin in a swimming competition, and something about Ed Hardy garbage. More stuff, but I was in traffic and forgot. The one thing I didn’t forget? It’s Thomas Haden Church’s birthday today, so happy birthday (not paying royalties for it) to that legend! Malicexxx and some Tara chick came on the show for some wad talk, it was wadalicious. There was some talk about bears and sharks too, but I was still in traffic and busy wishing everyone would just crash so I could get through – so I’m not real sure what else to say about those two animals. Instead, I’ll tell you this. Three sluts are in a bar. The first slut says, “my vag’s so big, I can fit a whole fist in!” The second slut says, “So what? I can fit two!” The third slut just smiles and slides slowly down the barstool. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 3/7/2013


You see, it don’t matter what day of the week it is if you have arthritis, that shit can just flare up at anytime.  Today happens to be Thursday and Ellis happens to be in a deep battle with his arthritic wrist, you know the one filled with pins n shit from that one time it broke n could touch his elbow.  Look the point is to live life know, especially physically – do cool shit cause you won’t be able to one day soon.  Of course this doesn’t necessarily mean to pull along side some crazy dude, who just happened to pull over to some lady due to some extreme road rage and is beating on her window, but that is what Ellis did.  Yeah some douche was harassing some poor lady cause she was riding his bumper or some stupid shit and Ellis pulled over to tell Holmes to fuck off.  Holmes decided to shout some shit back, so the Wing got out of his THC issued Barry-like Porsche to make sure Holmes knew what he was doing.  Well, Holmes didn’t so he got in his car and rolled the fuck out.  What I didn’t tell you is Tiger was in the back of the Porsche, and did over hear Daddy calling Holmes “Pussy Man”.  Ellis of course talked to Tiger about the incident, and Tiger agreed that Pussy Man had it coming!  He also agreed not to say Pussy Man so lets hope he holds up his end of the bargain.  Let’s also hope that he, Rawdog and you all decide to not eat as much processed meat, after hearing/reading this shit.  Of course after a story like that, its only natural we pick on Rawdog for a few about his shitty diet.  Caller after caller about how they got stomach rot from bad diets and how amazing cool ranch Doritos Taco’s are.  Truth is, being vegan makes you an asshole and chicken nuggets have a shit ton of protein.  That’s really all I got, oh and Rawdog hangs with Cumtard on the weekends, so uh good luck with that!



tigerboxLiz Carmouche is one bad lady and called into the show to shoot the shit with Ellis n the boys.  If you don’t know who she is, she recently fought Ronda Rousey in UFC 157, Liz is the one rocking the rainbow mouth guard in support of gay rights.  She’s a total bad ass, a lesbian, a terrible guitar player, and she works at a gym for the love of it and to pay on her fresh Toyota Tacoma.  She happens to teach classes at San Diego Combat Academy if you in town and want a beat down!  Of course the price may have gone up slightly with her new found fame from UFC exposure.  However, not enough to get on her The Ellen Degeneres Show – so here it is, EllisFam Flex, need you to tweet @TheEllenShow and let her know you want to see Liz Carmouche on the show.  I’ll wait………..OK kool!   So back to Liz, she beats up grown men and dates a mexican chic.  Turns out her mexican girl friend actually keeps her calmed down ironically enough.  Liz used to be in the military, closeted though since the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ wasn’t in effect just yet.  All in all she’s a bad mama jama.  Speaking of bad mama jama’s, Katie stopped by the show for the Tiger Box prototype, but first she lent an ear to the Best Riff debate.  Nothing much more today but some weeding out of what’s what.  The good – Primus is still represented with ‘Jerry Was A Race Car Driver’.  The bad – Primus is still represented with “Jerry Was A Race Car Driver’.  And on a side note you may see Katie on D.I.Y. radio one day so keep an ear out for that!



This could be you at Tiger Box but with actual whores!!!

If you happen to be in West Hollywood on Friday, March 15 be sure to get tickets for Tiger Box with host Jason Ellis at The Viper Room about 7:30pm.  If your not quit sure what Tiger Box is, well you should go back and listen to today’s show for a sneak peek, or maybe check that shit on perhaps.  Either way its a fucking hoot filled with whores n metal n metal whores.  For today’s little test run, we had Ellis on guitar, Rawdog on drums (computer aided drums), Anal Gay Lewis on lyricaly sheet holding duty, and of course 4 wonderful whores – Katie, Malice, Joanna and our new friend Nikki Hearts.  We had a few fans show up to help be the lead singer, casue thats the whole fucking idea of Tiger Box – You are the lead singer, the most metal mutha fucker alive, whores all over your junk, panties flying at your face, allegedly doobies and coke baggies inside of those panties flying by your face, a fucking great idea and night for you the fan!  Our first contestant was Ryan from Chino who decided to sing ‘Am I Evil’.  Before we review Ryan’s performance please trust me when i tell you Rawdog’s drumming was nothing short of the quality of my recaps, again trust me!  Ok so Ellis did aight with his chops, and the whoreicane was in full effect, but Ryan managed to keep his cool and rock out undistracted.  He did manage to loose his pants and get Katie’s finger up his ass, your welcome!  Next we had Trapper Troy on the mic for his version of ‘Mother’, decked in full Wolfknife attire I might add.  Ellis and Rawdog again combined for a lighter raising performance and Trapper started off hot, but he was eventually swarmed by a sea of poon and inevitably won incredibly in his actual defeat!  Right about then we got hit with two bombshells, Joanna’s titties came out, ok so one bombshell, Anal Gay Lewis is quite possibly a virgin to which Malice offered to take care of that, such a nice gal.  Well Anal Gay, lets hear what your sweet virgin ass can do on a mic, a sing us the sweet melody ‘Twist Of Cain’.  Blah Blah Blah drumming sucks Blah Blah Anal Gay did a decent job in the end.  So far so good for the Tiger Box prototype, lots of whoring, lots of metal, lots of fun.  How could it get any better you ask?  Rawdizzle decided to show us how its done ‘Holy Diver’ style.  For this though, Tully had to take over the drums and man I guess that shit is kinda hard to do – anyways believe me when i hear you say that Rawdog fucking killed it!  The whores were all glamorized by his Dio-esc stylings and clearly overwhelmed with his vocal masculinity, but then again who isn’t right.  So again if you happen to be in West Hollywood next Friday, well fucking Bob’s Your Uncle!



Good thing Tully gave up his hobby….

Superdad use to be supergirl, check it.  Since Tully’s mom was a troop leader for the Girl Scouts, ol’ Oxford signed himself up to be a Brownie and help sell cookies with the other girls his age.  Dude did 8 years of this shit, no wonder he’s so fucking twisted I mean think about it people.  Anyways, if you like big tits then your sexist like me, and if you like big butts then you can not lie!  Speaking of big tits and butts, what else do you do with 4 hot chics after they’ve done whored out at a metal concert?  Get ’em to punch n head butt shit for fun.  So they did just that with the punch machine to see where each placed.  Malice went first and ended up with a high of 47 out of her 3 punches, edging out Rawdog and tying Fruitler.  Nikki went next and locked up a very nice 45.  Joanna was next and before I tell you her score, remember she is the only victory for Rawdog in EllisMania history so with that, I give you a very unimpressive 31!  Katie went again and got her score up to a 46 for good measure, and added a respectable 29 on the head butt list, which turns out is only for morons.  In Hollywood News, Bieber is fucking frustrated and having what is known in the industry as a ‘porn girl meltdown‘.  Not to fear Biebs, Joanna says she’ll give you a job if you need one, her door is always open.  Of course she makes it sound like her pussy is always open too, since its not like it was when she was 19 – come on Joanna don’t be so hard on yourself, after all you taught me that in an orgy you always want to have odd numbers – even numbers only leads to pairing off and ends the orgy!  Oh and if your set on having a threesome with your wife, just suck another dudes dick and get it on.  Also, if your calling the show for Final Calls, don’t ever have “2 things” to say, it just never works out .  In closing I would like to leave you with the immortal words of your own grandmother, “Oh fuck, oh shit, wait that’s my ass, nah its cool leave it in!”


Show Re-cap For Tuesday 1/22/2013

This kid will one day slay more poon at the AVN Awards than anyone else.

This kid will one day slay more poon at the AVN Awards than anyone else.

Wassup you filthy, shameful, fuckers of mothers and fathers? Let’s see what today’s show has in store for us. We got a new old show intro, the Taintstick Balls version made a comeback and I think that makes everyone happy. The guys took a little time to perfect their “balls” screams. Apparently there were a few people who were pissed that they weren’t live yesterday, and they’ve been invited to come to EllisMania and each of them get 1 minute to fight Ellis. In awesome news, Vitor Belfort knocked the shit out of that turd faced, neo maxi zoom dweebie, Michael Bisping! Jude came in with his shiny ass shoes and multicolored striped socks to lay his two cents on the table about MMA, and how he has yet to be jacked off by the girl who cuts his hair. Ellis went to the AVN awards over the weekend, and realized that porn stars on the red carpet aren’t nearly as funny as they think they are. Who knew? Since Ellis was there with Katie and Malice, dudes were thinking he was banging both of them by himself, so there was no shortage of creepy dudes coming by fist bumping and trying to hang at their table in hopes of at least getting to watch them and jerk off or something.

Grab your soup and smokes, it's NMT.

Grab your soup and smokes, it’s NMT.

Wanna go see some acoustic metal? If you said yes, then check out Machine Head dates: Riverside, CA 1/23; San Diego, CA 1/24; Anaheim, CA 1/25; Fullerton, CA 1/26. This brought us to an early version of NMT, but before that, Tully saw an increasingly rare sight, some dude wearing a jean jacket with Agent Orange and rocker clothes and shit. You thought they were extinct, but oh no, there are still a few that exist. We got to hear some of that outlaw country stuff Johnny Knoxville was telling us about when he was on the show, and then a bunch of other garbage – with the exception of Adam Ant. According to Ellis and Tully, Rawdog makes a weird “I’m giving an amateur blowjob” face when he’s grooving to music. Coming up next was America’s favorite (after Rawdog’s mother) paper champ porn star, Belladonna, showcasing her deep throating skills on a massive dildo. She also provided some helpful information, if you purchase any toys (like a massive dildo), make sure it doesn’t smell or it’s going to burn your asshole.

How I imagine Cumtard felt staring down the dildo he had to nuzzle and suck on.

How I imagine Cumtard felt staring down the dildo he had to nuzzle and suck on.

Then we got some shock collar movie review with Cumtard reviewing the movie “Dredd” that stars nobody you fucking heard of. Of course he got the shit shocked out of him, but the real twist here was that Ellis made him another bet, if Ellis watched the movie and thought it sucked, Cumtard had to suck a dick and get shocked during his oral performance. The twist? Ellis said he already saw the movie and thought it sucked! Enter Brockallina and a shock collar while Belladonna gave dick sucking advice to Cumtard, you know, to really spice things up and make everyone that much more happier. The movie sounds like it could be a pretty big piece of shit, but according to Cumtard and the Twitter-sphere, it’s a good movie – so IBM presents, you make the call. Belladonna stayed in studio to administer some excellent advice to a bunch of a different callers about all their different sexual questions. And I’ll tell you what, she’s way better than a Dr. Ruth. People used to think your mom, given her chosen profession as sex worker, would be good at giving sexual advice. Turns out her answer to every question was, “just close your eyes and try not to think about the fact that you’re eating shit covered in jizz.” Needless to say, most people didn’t take her advice and chose to just puked in her mouth, fuck it, and then left. OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 11/21/2012

If you take anything from todays show…

So its Who Gives A Fuck Wednesday, since this is the last show of the week, so that we Americans may celebrate the slaughtering of Native Americans, by killing turkeys and watching some football, Truck Yeah!  I mean, it was the man who killed the Indians, right?  Ellis says “Fuck the man” and that’s the truth.  After all, it was the man who set Rawdog up at Coachella.  You gotta stay on your toes peoples – if you fall back on your heels, that’s when you get caught.  Basically, you can’t just say yes to everything the man asks you to do.  Breaking News, the Wing Home Gym is officially in operation, and just in time for Ellis to buff up and beat the living shit out of some 5 year old kid who flashed Snookie.  That reminded Rawdog of a time when he was conned into letting some kid wrap an extension cord around his neck, but thankfully his mom caught them in the act before it could go too far.  Speaking of moms, no not your mom for once, Ellis’ mom has been talking to Snookie, which Ellis didn’t know and may explain why Snookie wants to go back to Australia for vacation.  Also his step-mom has been dying for a year to be able to tell Jason all this other shit she knows.  Tully’s advice to Ellismate, try the talks with them sober first, and if that don’t work try it with volume.  Finally, if none of those work, pop a few ecstasy and get on with it.  That last one could work for Rawdog with that hot chic he’s been trying to bang, but she ain’t texted back yet.  Tully’s advice to Doc Banger, just wait – it looks cool.  He’s right, and Bubba The Love Sponge was wrong back when he said Ellismate’s ‘Most phone calls in an hour’ award was total bullshit.  But in came JizzCult to save the day, showing a paperwork that said:  March 23, 2011 in the 13:00 hour – 74,316 calls – RED DRAGONS!   Tony Hawk’s Stand Up For Skateparks foundation sent Ellismate a Nixon watch, Steve-O has stolen the reptile biting karaoke bit from Ellismate for his new show but its cool, and Tully saw Ron Livingston grocery shopping, no shit!


                             NUKINFUTS is a Sick Cunt Mate!


In Hollywood News, Kim Kardashian has a really fat ass.  Kesha has a new bra made from her fans teeth, which reminds me, if you have any shark teeth send ’em in to Ellismate for his new sick chain he ain’t going to make.  Jesse James has found love with Paul Mitchell’s daughter.  Birdman of Cash Money handed out some turkeys, but Lil Wayne couldn’t attend due to his seizures.  Hector Macho Camacho was shot in Puerto Rico, and sadly it ain’t looking to good for his chances of making it.  Justin Bieber isn’t being charged for not beating the shit out of the paparazzi.  Finally, and most important of all, Rihanna is to no longer be mentioned ever again, never mind.  Some dude scored 138 points in a college basketball game.  Meanwhile, at the burn out track, we had some issues with NuckinFuts.  Seems that crazy fucker didn’t want to listen to the man……’Fuck the man’.  Finally, in Shark News, some dude speared a 9 foot shark just off the shores of Carlsbad, and ate that shit yo!


I won’t tell if you won’t tell

Woman, Am I Right?  Some lady in Florida was doing 100mph in a 30mph zone while honking her horn, cause God said so.  A different Florida based chic crashed her Thunderbird while shaving her Thundercunt.  Some lady in Sweden is being charged for having sex with skeletons.  Apparently she also sells them on e-bay, and just in time for the holidays.  Remember that bitch that looks just like a Barbie doll, well she’s pissed at comments from her recent photo shoot.  That’s about it for Women, Am I Right? and just in time for one of today’s guests, BBW porn star Kelly Shibari.  She got here a little early for today’s game (you’ll see), and she loves playing with balls and teaching Tully all about boobies.  She also broke the news to Ellis that woman have an extra rib, which is why they can’t drive.  Kelly also has a new porn out titled Overloaded, check it out!


Just making the top 5 of WGW

Malice made it to the show, to join Katie and Kelly Shibari for today’s game “Kiss Ass”.  Three teams of two were formed, Ellis and Malice, Cumtard and Kelly, Rawdog and Katie, and the idea is for the female teammate to get lipstick on her male teammate’s lips as best she can.  Of course she has to use her ass, and he is blindfolded, all this in only 30 seconds.  Just before we got going, Malice dropped the bomb she had this burrito still floating inside her from last night, ready to expload at anytime.  First team up was Cumtard and Kelly, and just like that Kelly was naked, Cumtard was puckered up like Mic Jagger, and we got action.  20 seconds in and the lipstick broke, but Kelly got it back in her ass and overall they did a pretty good job.  Next up was Rawdog and Katie, and they dove right into it.  From Ellis angle, it looked like Rawdog was eating her ass out, and from JizzCult’s angle, he saw Rawdog touch her vagina!  Sounds like they did a good job too, but now lets get to our 3rd contestants….only their not ready yet, cause Malice is in the bathroom, oh shit!  Turns out she was changing into better underwear for this game, and her and Ellis were ready to go.  It took them quite a while to get started, but well worth the wait as they turned out to be the winners, helluva job Ellismate n Malice!  Did you know Malice performs at Cheetahs, and will be there for ‘The Reckoning‘, so I ask, will you?  I also ask you what is the World’s Greatest porn name for a Native American?  Some of the losers in this were ‘Hung Like a Horse’, ‘GeroniBone’, “NavaHo’, ‘Fucks With Fists’ and ‘Scrotem Pole’.  The top 5:

  1. Chief Penis
  2. TomaCock
  3. Runs With Sexual Intercourse
  4. Spread Eagle
  5. Crazy Whore

Straight into Final Calls, and we heard from Zenu, not to be confused with Enu, whoever the fuck that is.  We also got a late entry for WGW, ‘Dick Hitler’, but thankfully we can save that for if Ellis wants to start his career as an insult comic.  Also, if Canada can get any Death! Death! Die! album to have the numbers 1-5 tracks on itunes, Ellismate and the band will head up to Vancouver for a show.  Its up to you Canada!  Ellismate copped a nice feel on Kelly Shibari and also joined Katie in offering Rawdog some good advice for getting laid, lower your standards.  My advice for Rawdog is better than that.  I’d just tell him to call your mom and she’d gobble gobble gobble his dick up within minutes, OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 10/11/2012

Its the Birthday re-cap. Not my birthday, it’s the other Jason’s birthday, the Australian Jason. Illness is still running rampant throughout the Swinghouse and it seems that the Tussin Baby has caught a bit of the sniffles, most likely from Tully. Speaking of Tully, he saw a black and a white gay buddy criminal team get arrested in the front of the studios on his way in. Like a modern day Billy & Clyde. Tasmanian Devils are rough lovers and they are extinct, except for the ones that are still alive, other wise they are all dead from disease. I blame the Herpes Badger, that motherfucker don’t give a shit, he gives Herpes. Ellis is going to be test driving some new dirt bikes while on vacation and says he needs a kidney belt so his 41 year old guts won’t get busted up so bad. Ellis watched a fairy mermaid barbie movie with Devin and was laughing at them tripping balls on some berries. I have seen this movie a number of times (I have 3 daughters, give me a fucking break) and also laugh at the “berries,” guess that was a little less obvious than shrooms. The guys talked a bit about the Hogan sex tape and the long of the short of it is whoever released that shit is fucked up. Nellie’s bus got busted in Sierra Blanca, Texas. You know the town that every tour bus has to go through even though they know they’re gonna get fuck with. Dumb asses.

Baby got back for days and days and days and days and days and days and days and…you get the fucking point.

There was a news story about an 1100lb woman. I’m not sure of the details because I can’t get past the fact that she weighs that much! How does she poop? Is it smelly? Does someone shave her cookie for her? Here’s the story if your more interested than me. Do you like noodles? I fucking love noodles, but not as much as this kid. Here’s the “I want my noodles”video sent in by bitPimps. An Australian man got kicked out of bar for having the worst mullet ever. I don’t think it’s the worst I’ve ever seen, but he ain’t no Billy Ray either. Zack Efron gets pissed on by Nicole Kidman in new movie, not sure what else to say about this, better than a story about a dudes mullet that’s fo sho! A guy called in to talk about his double baloney amputee girlfriend and how she is awesome in skating and snowboarding and other awesome shit. Ellis might have her on the show, hopefully that will be a cool interview to listen to. The guys then turned their attention tho politics and government, then the Libertarian party and their no taxes idea, and with no taxes there’s no laws so fuck it, let’s PARTAY! WWED? What would Ellis do; relationship advise. A dude is bored with his girlfriend, Jason says to dress as a dog and a nurse and fuck, Tully says to cheat, that shit works every time, what can go wrong.

see, he likes it.

Surprise, it’s Jagar Beard for a special appearance. I’m not going to spoil too much but this is defiantly worth listening to and I have one of those faces that people can trust. Ellis bought Thomas Hayden Church’s Porsche, good for him. Malice @Malice666Mcmunn (Katies friend) came into the studio today. She told us delightful stories about how she was abused, bounced from foster home to foster home, had an abusive mother, a drug habbit, and how she fisted her friend with rubber gloves on  because her friend was a dirty whore. She’s also a self proclaimed cougar and if your a young dude on the streets she might just pull you inter her rape wagon and have her way with you and then you can write to Penthouse and tell them all about it. Malice is on Instagram at malicexxx and says she loves Instagram because its all asses and babies. It’s like, awwww, ooooh, awwwwww, ohhhhh. They played Jagar Beard’s survival quiz and all I really got from it is in any situation you need to zig zag while cooking grass hoppers with ants in your cookie while acting like Andy Dick. Do you know what you should do if yer mum starts to run at you suddenly? Nothing, she can’t run with all that dried up jizz making her thighs stick together, OH!