Show Re-cap For Tuesday 1/22/2013

This kid will one day slay more poon at the AVN Awards than anyone else.

This kid will one day slay more poon at the AVN Awards than anyone else.

Wassup you filthy, shameful, fuckers of mothers and fathers? Let’s see what today’s show has in store for us. We got a new old show intro, the Taintstick Balls version made a comeback and I think that makes everyone happy. The guys took a little time to perfect their “balls” screams. Apparently there were a few people who were pissed that they weren’t live yesterday, and they’ve been invited to come to EllisMania and each of them get 1 minute to fight Ellis. In awesome news, Vitor Belfort knocked the shit out of that turd faced, neo maxi zoom dweebie, Michael Bisping! Jude came in with his shiny ass shoes and multicolored striped socks to lay his two cents on the table about MMA, and how he has yet to be jacked off by the girl who cuts his hair. Ellis went to the AVN awards over the weekend, and realized that porn stars on the red carpet aren’t nearly as funny as they think they are. Who knew? Since Ellis was there with Katie and Malice, dudes were thinking he was banging both of them by himself, so there was no shortage of creepy dudes coming by fist bumping and trying to hang at their table in hopes of at least getting to watch them and jerk off or something.

Grab your soup and smokes, it's NMT.

Grab your soup and smokes, it’s NMT.

Wanna go see some acoustic metal? If you said yes, then check out Machine Head dates: Riverside, CA 1/23; San Diego, CA 1/24; Anaheim, CA 1/25; Fullerton, CA 1/26. This brought us to an early version of NMT, but before that, Tully saw an increasingly rare sight, some dude wearing a jean jacket with Agent Orange and rocker clothes and shit. You thought they were extinct, but oh no, there are still a few that exist. We got to hear some of that outlaw country stuff Johnny Knoxville was telling us about when he was on the show, and then a bunch of other garbage – with the exception of Adam Ant. According to Ellis and Tully, Rawdog makes a weird “I’m giving an amateur blowjob” face when he’s grooving to music. Coming up next was America’s favorite (after Rawdog’s mother) paper champ porn star, Belladonna, showcasing her deep throating skills on a massive dildo. She also provided some helpful information, if you purchase any toys (like a massive dildo), make sure it doesn’t smell or it’s going to burn your asshole.

How I imagine Cumtard felt staring down the dildo he had to nuzzle and suck on.

How I imagine Cumtard felt staring down the dildo he had to nuzzle and suck on.

Then we got some shock collar movie review with Cumtard reviewing the movie “Dredd” that stars nobody you fucking heard of. Of course he got the shit shocked out of him, but the real twist here was that Ellis made him another bet, if Ellis watched the movie and thought it sucked, Cumtard had to suck a dick and get shocked during his oral performance. The twist? Ellis said he already saw the movie and thought it sucked! Enter Brockallina and a shock collar while Belladonna gave dick sucking advice to Cumtard, you know, to really spice things up and make everyone that much more happier. The movie sounds like it could be a pretty big piece of shit, but according to Cumtard and the Twitter-sphere, it’s a good movie – so IBM presents, you make the call. Belladonna stayed in studio to administer some excellent advice to a bunch of a different callers about all their different sexual questions. And I’ll tell you what, she’s way better than a Dr. Ruth. People used to think your mom, given her chosen profession as sex worker, would be good at giving sexual advice. Turns out her answer to every question was, “just close your eyes and try not to think about the fact that you’re eating shit covered in jizz.” Needless to say, most people didn’t take her advice and chose to just puked in her mouth, fuck it, and then left. OH!

The Big Fucking History of “Big Fucking Mega Boat” – Part 1 (History)

For a movie that is only a reported 22min long and has been billed by J.Ellis as one of the worst things he’s ever seen, it has taken a long, long road to being made. Part 1 of the History of BFMB starts at the initial idea, the plans with Donald Schultz, developing the script , all the way up to just before they started filming.

He-man leads to 80’s toys, leads to the “Battleship” movie,  and then the 1st spark of “BFMB” – 2/1/12 – 8min

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Allison Eastwood will be the director for BFMB? – 2/3/12 – 2min

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Malin Akerman in studio and Grant’s “Kawaski” tattoo leads to the mention of Sgt. Kawaski and BFMB – 2/9/12 – 4min

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David Faustino gets pitched BFMB – 2/14/12 – 1min

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Shoebox gets pitched BFMB – 2/15/12 – 2min

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Donald Schultz in studio to discuss sets and script ideas for BFMB – 2/21/12 – 50min

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Donald Schultz returns, claims he has a submarine for the movie? Lots more movie ideas- 3/8/12 – 43min

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Rawdog will be the MGM Lion – 3/14/12 – 3min

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The idea of go karts at K1 Speed is announced and the characters/actors are set – 4/4/12 – 72min

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Show Re-cap For Thursday 5/3/2012

What else can I say but, its almost Friday.  Not quite but close, so don’t get your hopes up, there’s still one day left.  At least today was one of the best shows I’ve heard in a while.  The decades long debate on how old is too old to date was discussed and Ellis decided that any age is appropriate as long as you like the other person.  This is a noble stance but I still follow the “half your age plus seven” rule.  Jason talked about his appearance on Hollywood Uncensored and revealed that he had sweaty palms and had butterflies in his stomach. However he said that everyone was nice and he is starting to know more and more TV people. The Hollywood take over is imminent.

Ellis has only a few days left with Thomas Hayden Church’s Porsche and decided that he needs to try and pick up chicks while filming.  As expected the EllisFam came through like champs.  I was laughing way too hard and there were way too many pickup lines to write them all down.  I will just say good job to those who participated.  We were, umm, granted with a game from the entertaining MumTard.  Contestants had to guess the Mumtarded Movie in MumTards Mumtarded Movie Collection. Damn, after writing that I might need a helmet.  The game was a smash success and hopefully we will see MumTard back again in the future, just as soon as the get the smell out of the studio and the stains off the chair. And Dan the Man had exchanged some heated words with Alicia.  Actually I should say Alicia talked shit on Dan while he just cowered in the corner and piddled himself.  I don’t see things going well for him at Ellismania, but we can all hope that as Dan gets his ass handed to him the crowd will be treated with a possible wardrobe malfunction from the beautifully busty Alicia.

And finally, what we have all been waiting for, WORLDS GREATEST WEDNESDAY  THURSDAY!  Today’s topic was Worlds Hottest Hollywood Milf.  There were some great contenders and the top 10 went as so:

10.  Milla Jovovich

9.  Kelly Rippa

8.  Sofia Vergara

7.  Belladonna

6.  Salma Hayek

5.  Mini Driver

4.  Gisele Bundchen

3.  DanOD5’s Mom

2.  Jessica Alba

1.  Britney Spears

Your Mom was also nominated for this list, but unfortunately she got a total of 0 votes.  Coincidentally that’s the same number of call backs she got after her many hours of pleasing dock workers.  Even MumTard, who got 1 vote by the way, said, “YOUR MOM BIGGER SLAM PIG THAN MUMTARD, OH!”



Show Re-cap For Tuesday 3/6/2012

ElephantitisHey, it’s “Big Balls” Tuesday and that is no laughing matter. Elephantitis of the nuts is a serious issue affecting at least a handful of people in the world. Speaking of big balls, Rawdog revealed he almost choked to death on a butterscotch candy when he was kid and now he won’t eat them anymore, I assume because he’s afraid he’ll die. I think this is probably where his “small throat” excuse comes from considering he can’t swallow pills or even a mouthful of liquid. Thankfully though, Tully has attended baby CPR classes so should Rawdog start choking on his own spit, Tully can save his life. So naturally, it was time to get Rawdog over his fear of butterscotch hard candies. Will and Dan came in with some butterscotch candies, it took awhile but he was finally victorious over the candy and did not die! Shout out to that legend of a man, beating out a butterscotch candy. Fucking gangster.

Come at me eseTully, Rawdog, and Jude were trash talking and challenging each other to a book report-off. I think I’ve officially heard it all now, especially when Rawdog busted out an “ese” while tough talking Jude. I don’t know much about Jude and his reading habits, but if speech habits have any bearing on the subject, Rawdog’s “book wepowt” is going to be full of mistakes. Tully seems like the front runner on this one, I mean he did go to Oxford, not to mention he can now perform baby CPR. That has to add something to his book report skills, right? On the other hand, Jude just might come out with a masterpiece, especially if he does it while on ketamine.

Mauro RanalloThere was a whole metric fuckload of talk about the recent Rush Limbaugh “scandal” and what is right or wrong or acceptable, advertising, who’s a prostitute or not, etc. It was supposed to be “Dude am I slut? Rush Limbaugh edition” but instead it turned into a circle jerk discussion about freedom of speech. In other news, Bro Brogan (@joerogan) apparently tried to get hair implants and now has a scar from it. I think we can all agree that the “bald” or shaved head look is way more popular today than it ever was. By the way, have you seen Mauro Ranallo after he shaved his head? He looks fucking hilarious / horrible with a shaved head. He also shakes his head a lot when talks and kind of reminds me of Seth MacFarlane.

BellaEllisBelladonna was on the show today and she’s bald too, I mean she has a shaved head now. But her cookie is probably bald as well. She used to come in back when the show was first starting out, and she was always a pretty cool guest. The major topic while she was there was people calling in with strange things they found sexy or hot or whatever. There were quite a few “strange” ones, but I think the blockbuster of the bunch was a guy that called in and said after doing some coke and drinking, he would put lube on his dick, tie rubber bands around his cock to keep it hard, penetrate his ass, wash it off, and then suck his own cock. I think what made the story even better was how matter of fact and dead serious he was while discussing it. He sounded very believable as well, especially with all his cokehead pauses while telling a story.

In other big news, Pendarvis has cleared the way to move the Friday morning shows to it’s normal afternoon time. He says this should happen not this coming Friday, but the next Friday. And you know what that means, the move is probably gonna be delayed indefinitely. HAHAHAHAA Get it? No? Well, fuck you then. Alternatively, you could fuck your mom, everyone else has. OH!