2012

Posted on December 14, 2012 by bitPimps 中

It’ll get funny, just give it time and stop looking at me like that.

First, let’s get this out of the way. What happened today was crazy and it makes everyone stop and think. Our hearts go out to the victims, families, and everyone else involved in today’s shooting in Newtown. Humans can be disgusting sometimes. But sometimes you find people who restore your faith in humanity, and that’s just one of the things that help make life beautiful. Now, let’s try to brighten everyone’s day as much as we can, shall we? Rawdog is apparently rocking a Jimmy Fallon hair style today, also known as bed head. Ellis had to call his brother, Lethal Lee, after not being able to remember that old ass thing you hung clothes on outside – a clothesline, or more accurately for the Australian vibe, a hills hoist. How much of the human race is lame? A lot, that’s how much. Tully must have been feeling emotional today as he dropped a bomb and said that he imagines most Canadians are probably not lame. Juggling on a unicycle might take impressive skills, but it’s still lame as fuck, especially when compared to doing wheelies and endos. Rawdog got called out on his mime skills, so he tried to show off those skills by miming the making of an omelet. Nobody could guess it, so apparently the best part of his mime skills is that you can totally tell it sucks shit. Why can’t Shaun White just start promoting white power along with this clothing and gaming product endorsements? Ellis and Tully have seen the dead horse dick that Rawdog is going to have to deal with at the Wreckoning, and they’re not going to show it to Rawdog so he doesn’t get the pre-game jitters.

Cumtard’s on that weed beer again.

President Obama spoke to Barbara “Piss Your Box Out” Walters and said, and I’m paraphrasing here, “Hey, if the state has decriminalized weed, he’s down with the clown and thinks the federal government should be too.” Mexican drug cartels are using t-shirt cannons to shoot soup cans full of that ditch weed they grow down there, over the boarder for us Murican’s to toke on. Cumtard says he’s still feeling the effects of that weed beer he chugged on yesterday’s show. He ate an entire pizza once he got home and then slept for 15 hours like a fuckin baby. And that is what is awesome about weed, you sleep like a fucking champion! Some transsexual athlete is playing college hoops, and some ESPN announcers got in trouble for how they referred to the athlete. The real problem here is that they were just being mean, nothing they said was funny. Remember that rule, offensive + funny = good to go. Offensive – funny = you’s in trouble, ooohhh! Do teens listen to TJES? Maybe. But who gives a flying fuck about what the teens are doing, am I right? They’re annoying and that’s all you need to know.

A gold star for Rawdog if he ends up doing time trials against Tiger Ellis.

PETA wants Ellis to do an ad for them, so ideas about how to torture the Olsen twins flew around the room. Whose defending a man’s right to fuck a horse? Well, a lawyer of course, because like gingers, they don’t have souls. Which is why I love my lawyer, he’s good, real good. We got to hear some unsigned band submissions today, and the clear run-away winner was Laura Clapp, the chick who gave Ellis the voice altamication machine. It was so good, Rawdog went bezerk and trashed the studio. Basically one dude made a shit song in his basement, another dude is in jail, Cookie Monster lost his balls, and then a bunch of shit that was even more terrible Cumtard shitting beer out his ass. Rawdog’s scared of Tiger and bike riding, he’s turning down just about everything in a bet to race bikes against a 3 year-old. His tough talk includes such gems as “I could do it, I just don’t want to” and “I don’t want to race your son.” However, he might be up for some time trials as long as he’s not being video’d getting chewed up and spit out by a toddler.

You can be a Christmas tree without being gay.

Sarah Jessica Parker’s makeup artist is a thief, she’s been stealing shit here and there. Not to be outdone by a horse’s makeup artist, Tully stole a phone charger the other day. Not on purpose, but still – he stuck it to the man. What have you stolen lately? Russell Crowe is trying to patch up relations with his wife of 9 years who used to bang ~~Paul Giamatti~~ Billy Joel, they were seen together in front of a romantic fire and then she Facebooked and he Tweeted. Awwww. Matt Damon said Michael Douglas is a wonderful kisser, and he should know because allegedly he’s totally gay with Ben Affleck. Alright, time to close this fucker out. To you lucky daughters and sons of motherless goats that get to go to The Wreckoning tomorrow, have fun for the rest of us! Represent like any upstanding EllisFam member would, by getting kicked out! You know how to roll, you’re mom has been getting kicked out of strip clubs since the early 80’s. When she first started hopping up on the stage and got tackled by crowds because people thought she was William “The Refrigerator” Perry. OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 12/13/2012

Posted on December 13, 2012 by wiz1010

H.R. MacGyver with a pencil n paper

Fucking A for Thursday – Ellis n the crew must have ate some happy food, maybe a happy meal? You see, the food you eat helps depict your attitude in life. My happy food must be “pussay” allaahaahalla, but who didn’t know that. Did you know that “Daddy likes orange bikes”! Its true, Tiggy says Ellismate is a huge fan of KTM. And everyone is a huge fan of saving starving kids, such as the fine people bidding on a day with Ellis on that hungerthon thing, and with only 26 minutes to go were at about $10,500. How would you like to see the new spin off, Real Husbands of Beverly Hills, with Ellismate of course? 20 minutes to go, and still about 2 grand short of Howard Stern’s current bid, and world domination! Tully says Toddlers & Tiaras is fucking hilarious. Oh shit, we got a new bid of about $11,500 from “Van Hamersly” (Spelling?) with only about 13 minutes left, shits going down! So Travis Barker was all like super dad n shit at the park with his kids, even though Snookie said Travis looks ‘sketchy’. Also, Rapunzel is smoking fucking hot. Only 8 minutes to go and you can cut the tension with a wolfknife. Ellis would smoke Obama in moto, but he’s not sure how a game of hoops would go. 5 minutes. Ellis hates everyone from Paul Blart Mall Cop. 2minutes. Shout out to Papa Fifty. 30 seconds. #fucktully CLOSED! Fuck, didn’t beat out Howard Stern, but got fucking close and fed a lot of starving kids so Red Dragons. Will Pendarvis III called the show, not to comment on Cumtards sad state of depression and drinking alone, but rather to tell Ellis he bought him a chair, and just over 11 grand ain’t too shabby. I’m sure Will didn’t pick him up a microphone from H. R. Giger, though that dude’s artwork is fucking twisted, gnarly and all that good shit.

No More Toto-Frodo’s-Scroto?

Gather round kids, its Hollywood News times. Lindsay Lohan could be more fucked than she already is, facing almost a year in jail. Lindsay Lohan could be less fucked than that last story, if her storage unit is auctioned off with all her dildos n shit. Sean Penn don’t give a fuck about any bitch, including his two ex wives. Angelina Jolie cares too fucking much, and will be retiring as soon as her 78 kids reach their teenage years. Gandalf will take a break from fucking hobbits, as the poor bastard has taint cancer. Jennifer Lopez and Al Roker ain’t fucking, but are fucked. And finally, a special NoYouAre shout out to Patriot Guard Riders for their support to military families, and for sticking it too those God Hates Fags pieces of shit. Now if only we can get Charlie Sheen to head the Gods Hates Gods Hates Fags, then we’d could fight more crime, and eat less chic’fil’a.

Can't pull off a Dirty Waffle, check out The Jason Ellis Show!

Having trouble maneuvering the Dirty Waffle?

In Florida, this mother fucker here was driving around with road sign sticking out his head. Anyways, lets get to the first of our guests, Breesa. The lovely official brewer of the illegal, yet potent, Wolfknives beer. 18% alcohol by content, so it can fuck you up like a Wolfknife could, and since it can’t be taxed n shit yet, its not for sale, but hopefully one day soon. Breesa also brought some other shit, like some pot beer for Rawdog of course, and some champagne beer as well, corked and all. Foxxy also joined the show for this debut of sorts. Bring in Cumtard, and we have ourselves a little game don’t we. But instead of the normal blindfolded taste test shit you’d hear on other podcasts, The Jason Ellis Show is of a much higher caliber. No No, not up to the par of Butt Chugging the beer that put all other Canadian beers to shame, but rather – ‘Butt Shot O’Clock’ mofo’s! Time for Cumtard to take shots of the different beers off Foxxy’s ass, luge style, and guess which is the Wolfknife beer or the other pussy shit. Despite Cumtard being bitchingly scared of Foxxy’s ass and taint region, and chaotic yelling from Ellis and Tully to just harden the fuck up, and the first shot going down Foxxy’s ass into Cumtards eyes, we did get some good action out of this. Cumtards nose did go in Foxxy’s ass for the record, and he did guess the champagne beer correctly. However, Cumtard didn’t correctly guess the Wolfknife beer, though when he did, he admitted it left a nice “asster taste”, zing!

Your mom loves it

In Aussie News, apple maps is fucking killing people and leaving them in the bush to die. This reminded Ellis that kangaroos only punch you for fun. Its when they pop back on their tail, n use their feet to gut ya, that shows they’re really pissed. It also reminded Ellis he owns land out in the bush mate, and he one time shot the face off a 7 foot Goanna, and the fucking thing jumped at him when he tried to pick up the body. That reminded Tully, what would you do if you saw a lizard with a gun? Can your toilet flush 20 golf balls, or 2 lbs. of kitty litter, or who gives a shit? I bet you Ellis wishes he had that toilet back in Australia, ya know when he used to get beat for shitting his pants, and would try to flush the evidence. Tully thinks it may have been Encopresis, but I think it just fucked up…..that Instagram removed @tullywood‘s sweet pic of monkey balls. Oh, and be sure to start following Ellismate’s new Instagram, @wolfmate, thats @wolfmate, one more time, @wolfmate. Anyways, Rawdog had some picture of a ghost that was real, but I couldn’t find that shit. Tully did find some repressed memories of a ghost slamming the door to his newly built bedroom at his parents place. Foxxy said she could smell a ghost, but it was just Papa Fifty cutting loose. We did get to hear from the “Van Hamersly” lady, who called in about her hefty donation, and her plans for the Wing when she meets him. Sounds a lot like my plans later on tonight, which involve anal fisting, 3 bottles of lube, two road signs, a case of Wolfknife beer and of course yer mum!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 12/12/2012

Posted on December 12, 2012 by Az_RedDragon

YNThe Jason Ellis Show is back undoubtedly thanks to Burbank Dave and his ability to be at Jason’a help at a moments notice. Elephants are wrinkly, so are cats, especially when they are hairless and can’t hide their wrinkly ball sack looking skin. Ellis was invited to go to a red carpet event of Disney on Ice with his kids. Nothing cooler than your Dad being interviewed by a bunch of people that think he’s Jason Stathams stunt double. Rawdog claims that he has seen a car flip over during high winds while being blown by Jessica Simpson. There are a number of things that make this story improbable. First only Josh and Burbank Dave have ever seen a car flip due to winds, and second, there is no enough room in Josh’s car for Jessica to be able to properly blow him.

There’s only one day left to bid on the charity jam they call the Jason Ellis Show Experience. Okay, maybe I just call it that but the current bid is just over 5 grand! Goos job EllisFam. Ever wonder what your baby is worth on the black market? Rawdog took a quick survey from tully and out of 50 fruits and vegetables, he only likes french fries. If anyone was shocked by that please stop reading this, you will never get it. Ezekiel Bread is made with poop. Yup, poop. It used to be made with cow poop but then the people bitched to God about it and because God likes a good joke, told them to use their own poop and they did and God laughed. Its in the Bible, and more importantly its’s on the internet so that makes it true.

Thank you to the ladies for helping out with the “What Do You Think Of These” segment, it sounds like the guys really enjoy it. And if you would also like us here at NoYouAre to give our opinion please CC us a copy, thank you. Panama is making their canal wider which means that they can take a bigger load through their wet passage. And speaking of Panama, segway, a Panama woman got caught smuggling coke in her breast implants. Here’s the Yoko Ono video, and that’s all I need to say about that. Whats left of Nirvana and Paul McCartney are performing together for a charity event and so are Octomom and The Dudesons. And Here’s the Anti-Scientology rap. New Music ~~Tuesday~~ Wednesday was a menagerie of shit featuring Metta World Peace, Cassidy Pope, Big Boy, and some other shitty music that made me want to put sharp objects into my ears.

Hollywood News is brought to you by Anne Hathaway’s pussy. According to some magazine, some chicks are hot, Ricky Martin wishes to come out of the closet again so he can be twice as gay, and Brook Mueller (Charlie Sheen’s ex) is going to rehab, again, for the 19th time. Good luck with this one. The 19th time’s the charm. And then there was final calls where we learned that Australians are just the American version of The Dudesons, drunk and possible retarded. I shouldn’t say mean things like that though. We all thought yer mum was retarded, the way she constantly drooled and slobbered, that is until we realized it’s just all the left over man goo that was seeping out, OH!