Show Re-cap For Friday 12/14/2012

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It’ll get funny, just give it time and stop looking at me like that.

First, let’s get this out of the way. What happened today was crazy and it makes everyone stop and think. Our hearts go out to the victims, families, and everyone else involved in today’s shooting in Newtown. Humans can be disgusting sometimes. But sometimes you find people who restore your faith in humanity, and that’s just one of the things that help make life beautiful. Now, let’s try to brighten everyone’s day as much as we can, shall we? Rawdog is apparently rocking a Jimmy Fallon hair style today, also known as bed head. Ellis had to call his brother, Lethal Lee, after not being able to remember that old ass thing you hung clothes on outside – a clothesline, or more accurately for the Australian vibe, a hills hoist. How much of the human race is lame? A lot, that’s how much. Tully must have been feeling emotional today as he dropped a bomb and said that he imagines most Canadians are probably not lame. Juggling on a unicycle might take impressive skills, but it’s still lame as fuck, especially when compared to doing wheelies and endos. Rawdog got called out on his mime skills, so he tried to show off those skills by miming the making of an omelet. Nobody could guess it, so apparently the best part of his mime skills is that you can totally tell it sucks shit. Why can’t Shaun White just start promoting white power along with this clothing and gaming product endorsements? Ellis and Tully have seen the dead horse dick that Rawdog is going to have to deal with at the Wreckoning, and they’re not going to show it to Rawdog so he doesn’t get the pre-game jitters.

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Cumtard’s on that weed beer again.

President Obama spoke to Barbara “Piss Your Box Out” Walters and said, and I’m paraphrasing here, “Hey, if the state has decriminalized weed, he’s down with the clown and thinks the federal government should be too.” Mexican drug cartels are using t-shirt cannons to shoot soup cans full of that ditch weed they grow down there, over the boarder for us Murican’s to toke on. Cumtard says he’s still feeling the effects of that weed beer he chugged on yesterday’s show. He ate an entire pizza once he got home and then slept for 15 hours like a fuckin baby. And that is what is awesome about weed, you sleep like a fucking champion! Some transsexual athlete is playing college hoops, and some ESPN announcers got in trouble for how they referred to the athlete. The real problem here is that they were just being mean, nothing they said was funny. Remember that rule, offensive + funny = good to go. Offensive – funny = you’s in trouble, ooohhh! Do teens listen to TJES? Maybe. But who gives a flying fuck about what the teens are doing, am I right? They’re annoying and that’s all you need to know.

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A gold star for Rawdog if he ends up doing time trials against Tiger Ellis.

PETA wants Ellis to do an ad for them, so ideas about how to torture the Olsen twins flew around the room. Whose defending a man’s right to fuck a horse? Well, a lawyer of course, because like gingers, they don’t have souls. Which is why I love my lawyer, he’s good, real good. We got to hear some unsigned band submissions today, and the clear run-away winner was Laura Clapp, the chick who gave Ellis the voice altamication machine. It was so good, Rawdog went bezerk and trashed the studio. Basically one dude made a shit song in his basement, another dude is in jail, Cookie Monster lost his balls, and then a bunch of shit that was even more terrible Cumtard shitting beer out his ass. Rawdog’s scared of Tiger and bike riding, he’s turning down just about everything in a bet to race bikes against a 3 year-old. His tough talk includes such gems as “I could do it, I just don’t want to” and “I don’t want to race your son.” However, he might be up for some time trials as long as he’s not being video’d getting chewed up and spit out by a toddler.

You can be a Christmas tree without being gay.

You can be a Christmas tree without being gay.

Sarah Jessica Parker’s makeup artist is a thief, she’s been stealing shit here and there. Not to be outdone by a horse’s makeup artist, Tully stole a phone charger the other day. Not on purpose, but still – he stuck it to the man. What have you stolen lately? Russell Crowe is trying to patch up relations with his wife of 9 years who used to bang Paul Giamatti Billy Joel, they were seen together in front of a romantic fire and then she Facebooked and he Tweeted. Awwww. Matt Damon said Michael Douglas is a wonderful kisser, and he should know because allegedly he’s totally gay with Ben Affleck. Alright, time to close this fucker out. To you lucky daughters and sons of motherless goats that get to go to The Wreckoning tomorrow, have fun for the rest of us! Represent like any upstanding EllisFam member would, by getting kicked out! You know how to roll, you’re mom has been getting kicked out of strip clubs since the early 80’s. When she first started hopping up on the stage and got tackled by crowds because people thought she was William “The Refrigerator” Perry. OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 5/30/2012

Hot chicks here, hot chicks there, but there are no hot chicks around you. Why, you ask? Because according to Rawdog there is only about 2,000 girls that rate a 10 in the entire world and chances are you don’t know her. Don’t fel bad, neither do I.  The big announcement yesterday was about the indoor truck series and how awesome it is going to be. Its like truck racing and moto had a bastard child and fed it Red Bulls. The talk turned to NASCAR and Jason, Tully, and Josh don’t seem to understand its popularity, but two million beer drinkin, burger eatin, Camel smokin americans can’t be wrong. And hockey, that too, except its Canadian and I don’t know what Canadians smoke. But non the less, they’re both great to have an ice cold brew to. Cheers.

Today was also the delayed New Music Tuesday, you can guess how that went, some good, some fucking aweful. I would go into more detail but that would mean I would have to remember it and living through it once was enough. Theres a new call screener, again. It appears we will have a new one every day this week, what fun. There was a new game played today also, The Ultimate Phone Caller! This is where two callers pretend to fight one another MMA style and pretend to win the pretend fight. It goes to show you that even lame bits that don’t really work can end up being funny.

Today was also Worlds Greatest Wednesday, and the topic was Worlds Richest Person Whos Face You’d Like To Punch, or something like that. And heres your list:

10.  I forget

9.  I missed it

8. I dont know

7. Sarah Jessicah Parker

6. Thom Yorke

5. Donald Trump (maybe)

4. Steven Seagal

3. Donald Trump (again, maybe)

2. Chad Kroeger

1. Eli Manning

And that is your Worlds Greatest Wednesday, sort of. Moving on, has a cross dressing scarf wearing pig on the loose, Affliction needs to go away, even the girls agree, Tapout is still cool, and the final callers weren’t too bad, suprisingly.

I apologise for some of the things I missed in this re-cap, the mobil app on my phone kept losing the data connection and I’m pretty sure it was because your moms ginormous gunt was blocking the 3G signal as she layed int he sun, OH!