Show Re-Cap for Friday 1/24/2014


I’m here to recap and kick ass. Eventually, I’ll be done with the recap, but not yet.

It’s Friday, nobody gives a fuck, including me. So peep this shit. To much hair on a man’s chest can present itself to be a… hairy situation. YEEEAAAHHH! It’s cool, you’re like a bear with all that, all that, all that hair. But it can be a little… overbearing. YEEEAAAHHH! Think you got a super hairy chest? Go sit next to a dog. You still think you got a hairy chest? Kick ass, the show keeps cutting in and out on me. Whatever. It’s Friday. Fuck it. Tully took some exception to people calling yesterday’s guest, Dillion, a cumdumpster or something. Come on people, let’s be a little respectful of Wilson’s spank bank material. Eric Bana, Hugh Huge Jackman, and Chris Hemsworth are super Australian but Russel Crowe is not, he’s an imposter Aussie. Katie woke up perioding out on Ellis today, not bleeding, but bitching – but it happens to everyone and it’s all good. It happened to Tully’s kid today, he flipped his shit over a dirty diaper and had a typical baby meltdown whose cries spanned the gamut of emotions. Tully might have a cold sore. He noticed it before the AVNs, thank the powers that be. Tully recently found out he’s been drinking blood bubbles, his Soda Stream thing is based in occopied Jewville or something and people are all like, “Whuuuut?” and the other people are like, “Shyeaaahh!” so that leaves everyone else all like “Huh.” Tully will be watching some UFC this weekend and Ellis will be doing a wheelie on a horse this weekend. I know what you’re thinking, that’s impossible. I am here to tell you, it is indeed possible to watch the UFC. It’s on TV. Duh! Wilson popped in the studio and left just as quickly like a true prima donna. Break time!

Aaaand we’re back, with Shoebox. Scientists found out the great white sharks can live to be up to 70 years old. That means there’s some shark that remember when man landed on the moon and how bad he wanted to eat a man who landed on the moon. Did you know there exists a person who absolutely hates Wilson? I mean loathes his very existence, her name is Lori and she’s from Oregon and she’s on the horn. If you’re not catching on here with the “her” and “she’s”, we’re talking about a woman, with an opinion. She also works for the government and sounds like she might be a little bitter – and in lurve. Am I right? Of course I am. HEYOH! Speaking of foolery, the pizza guy stopped at Ellis’ place last night and asked if she shaved his dog. Problem was, he was speaking about the hairless cat. Dog, cat, whatever, now we’re talking about ducks. Wait. No. Let’s talk about who are the favorite guests that regularly come on to show. While coming up with the list of names, we find out the Shoebox has been in 3 movies and has blown somebody in all 3 movies, proving that art really does imitate life. (thank you Tully for that joke) Wilma Pendarvis was escorted into the studio, while on a conference call – a real one. While everyone on the conference call was listening, Wilma had to discretely describe what kind of underwear she was wearing – it was pretty hilarious. You catch that Lori? OH! Break time!


The people have spoken, Lori. hahaa


Oh Andy, what are we going to do with you?

Aaaand we’re back, with news that you can now order Ellis’ new book, “The Awesome Guide to Life: Get Fit, Get Laid, Get Your Shit Together” This lead us into some Women, Am I Right? news with a woman who pulled a gun out of her vagina after a fight about aliens. Next up, a woman was arrested for breaking into a pet store to set puppies free, not her sweater puppies, but real life puppies. I know, bad joke. Next up, a New York woman punched a 70-year-old Walmart greeter lady in de face on Christmas eve over a disputed receipt. Just as duck news got shot down, women am I right news got shut down early because a guest had showed up, costing Ellis to lose his $10 bet with Shoebox on whether the guest would actually show or not. In comes Andy Dick. And boom, boom, boom, out go the lights. I can’t handle listening to him much anymore, so I drifted in and out of consciousness the entire time. I think they talked about addiction, fucking guys, fucking girls, pissing on people, and Tully making balls out of the headphone cords. Break time!

Aaaand we’re back, with You Sir Are a Moron. But first, there’s a lot of rape going on the world ducks. Ducks can have 17 inch long dicks and is constantly evolving to be able to rape female ducks. Meanwhile, the female ducks’ vagina are constantly evolving to thwart being raped, making it an arms race between male and female ducks. Okay, back to the game. Shit. I forgot to jot down the questions. Well, let me tell ya, there were some questions, that’s for sure! And Cumtard asked them, it’s true. I heard him. Break time!

Aaaand we’re back, and Andy Dick isn’t, he left. And then there was talk about Ellis’ new book, the one I mentioned above – scroll up – see it? That one. Okay, now look back here, here’s where you can pre-order signed copies of the book: BAM! Will’s still not coming into the studio and his weekend has been ruined, all because of Lori – that harlot with her opinions. Speaking of maggots, a middle school warned that snorting Smarties may lead to nasal maggots. I’ve snorted Smarties when I was a kid, Fun Dip too, and I never got nasal maggots. You hear me kids? You’re safe to do pretend drugs. Wait. No. I don’t mean you should pretend to do drugs, but if you have or do, I’m pretty sure you’re not gonna get nasal maggots. Will finally came into the studio to air his grievances and share his feelings. Maybe Lori just got confused, HateBean is just the band name, not a command. And with that, I’m wrapping this baby up. But first, let me tell you this. One time I was in Prague and witness a woman getting an abortion, it was crazy! The only thing for me to say was, I guess you could call that a… cancelled Czech! YEEEAAAHHH!


Show Re-cap For Friday 12/14/2012


It’ll get funny, just give it time and stop looking at me like that.

First, let’s get this out of the way. What happened today was crazy and it makes everyone stop and think. Our hearts go out to the victims, families, and everyone else involved in today’s shooting in Newtown. Humans can be disgusting sometimes. But sometimes you find people who restore your faith in humanity, and that’s just one of the things that help make life beautiful. Now, let’s try to brighten everyone’s day as much as we can, shall we? Rawdog is apparently rocking a Jimmy Fallon hair style today, also known as bed head. Ellis had to call his brother, Lethal Lee, after not being able to remember that old ass thing you hung clothes on outside – a clothesline, or more accurately for the Australian vibe, a hills hoist. How much of the human race is lame? A lot, that’s how much. Tully must have been feeling emotional today as he dropped a bomb and said that he imagines most Canadians are probably not lame. Juggling on a unicycle might take impressive skills, but it’s still lame as fuck, especially when compared to doing wheelies and endos. Rawdog got called out on his mime skills, so he tried to show off those skills by miming the making of an omelet. Nobody could guess it, so apparently the best part of his mime skills is that you can totally tell it sucks shit. Why can’t Shaun White just start promoting white power along with this clothing and gaming product endorsements? Ellis and Tully have seen the dead horse dick that Rawdog is going to have to deal with at the Wreckoning, and they’re not going to show it to Rawdog so he doesn’t get the pre-game jitters.


Cumtard’s on that weed beer again.

President Obama spoke to Barbara “Piss Your Box Out” Walters and said, and I’m paraphrasing here, “Hey, if the state has decriminalized weed, he’s down with the clown and thinks the federal government should be too.” Mexican drug cartels are using t-shirt cannons to shoot soup cans full of that ditch weed they grow down there, over the boarder for us Murican’s to toke on. Cumtard says he’s still feeling the effects of that weed beer he chugged on yesterday’s show. He ate an entire pizza once he got home and then slept for 15 hours like a fuckin baby. And that is what is awesome about weed, you sleep like a fucking champion! Some transsexual athlete is playing college hoops, and some ESPN announcers got in trouble for how they referred to the athlete. The real problem here is that they were just being mean, nothing they said was funny. Remember that rule, offensive + funny = good to go. Offensive – funny = you’s in trouble, ooohhh! Do teens listen to TJES? Maybe. But who gives a flying fuck about what the teens are doing, am I right? They’re annoying and that’s all you need to know.


A gold star for Rawdog if he ends up doing time trials against Tiger Ellis.

PETA wants Ellis to do an ad for them, so ideas about how to torture the Olsen twins flew around the room. Whose defending a man’s right to fuck a horse? Well, a lawyer of course, because like gingers, they don’t have souls. Which is why I love my lawyer, he’s good, real good. We got to hear some unsigned band submissions today, and the clear run-away winner was Laura Clapp, the chick who gave Ellis the voice altamication machine. It was so good, Rawdog went bezerk and trashed the studio. Basically one dude made a shit song in his basement, another dude is in jail, Cookie Monster lost his balls, and then a bunch of shit that was even more terrible Cumtard shitting beer out his ass. Rawdog’s scared of Tiger and bike riding, he’s turning down just about everything in a bet to race bikes against a 3 year-old. His tough talk includes such gems as “I could do it, I just don’t want to” and “I don’t want to race your son.” However, he might be up for some time trials as long as he’s not being video’d getting chewed up and spit out by a toddler.

You can be a Christmas tree without being gay.

You can be a Christmas tree without being gay.

Sarah Jessica Parker’s makeup artist is a thief, she’s been stealing shit here and there. Not to be outdone by a horse’s makeup artist, Tully stole a phone charger the other day. Not on purpose, but still – he stuck it to the man. What have you stolen lately? Russell Crowe is trying to patch up relations with his wife of 9 years who used to bang Paul Giamatti Billy Joel, they were seen together in front of a romantic fire and then she Facebooked and he Tweeted. Awwww. Matt Damon said Michael Douglas is a wonderful kisser, and he should know because allegedly he’s totally gay with Ben Affleck. Alright, time to close this fucker out. To you lucky daughters and sons of motherless goats that get to go to The Wreckoning tomorrow, have fun for the rest of us! Represent like any upstanding EllisFam member would, by getting kicked out! You know how to roll, you’re mom has been getting kicked out of strip clubs since the early 80’s. When she first started hopping up on the stage and got tackled by crowds because people thought she was William “The Refrigerator” Perry. OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 10/25/2012

So its the last time you have to give a fuck this week and all you need to do is go back and listen to todays show.  You know its a Fucking Classic by the intro and by Ellis admiting he’s not the smartest man in the world.  He was smart enough to con Cumtard into testing Nair hair removal on his ballsac, but we’ll get to that later since Cumtard had to run and buy the shit first, and thats why he isn’t the producer of the show.  Anyways, lets get to RawDogs dream of receiving oral from Prometheus, how fucking creepy is that? Not as creepy as Ellis chasing his kids around the house in a wig as their “other mommy” and freaking poor Tiggy and Snookie out. Oh that reminded Tully  about some male/female couple he saw this weekend battling over who was the mommy, for real!  This got the show started on if its worse to have a weird straight parent, or a weird gay parent?  Not that gay is weird, but on top of being weird they are gay.  We didn’t find the answer out to that, but we did find out a few big names that have struggled with such a task, like one of the dudes that directed The Matrix and Cloud Atlas, the singer from Against Me, and and of course legendary rocker Dave Mustaine.  Whatever the situation is, Tullys cool if his wife wants to be a dude.  Eiffel Tower and all man thats his best friend.  Its just the potential Barry White voice that comes with the hormones that freaks him out the most.

Hi kids, mommies home!


LTIFOOYMWIFH, which means Laugh Til I Fall Out Of Your Mom While Im Fucking Her….you had to be there!  Whoever was their at the studios before the show is into some creepy shit.  Tully came across some legal pad with a To-Do list on it that was left behind in the studio.  What was on it? Shit like “Buy fuck pinata” and “DVR Boston Legal”, sick right!  Well we never found out what a fuck pinata is, and we don’t give a fuck about Boston Anal, but we did get a new sweet website out of the deal (Only if your 18 of course).  We did find out that yesterdays trial producer Valerie left behind some perfect audio for pranking your friends.  Don’t believe me, just ask Sluggo or Katie, both of whom were put up to the task.  Sluggo wasn’t phased one bit, but Katie on the other hand may have been a little flustered by the whole deal.  She ended up calling back and scaring Rawdog half to death with a few N-bombs that were all out of love.  Speaking of N-bombs I love, Obama was on the Jay Leno show and it was a hoot.  He shared tales of driving a Chevy Volt and how he isn’t allowed a cellphone, hilarious shit.  Meanwhile Axl Rose was on the Jimmy Kimmel show and he really showed up.  Axl has a Halloween tree that he uses to mind fuck other kids in the neighborhood, kinda cool.  Check out either of those two videos if you’d like, but you must check out and vote for this years 2012 Reverse Awards.  One note on this years awards, Joe Simpson (Nominee for “Least Rapey Celebrity Father”) has filed for divorce after allegedly coming out of the closet to his family, in case that changes your mind in any way.  Nothing changes when it comes to  how much fibromyalgia sucks, and how difficult it is to spell.  Morgellons is another disease that is both hard to spell and fucking sucks, but is it even real?  Tully told us something that isn’t real, well over exaggerated at least, Japanese dudes don’t all sniff school girl panties purchased at a near by vending machine.  Man that Tully is one polite muther fucker, unlike the 10% of celebrities that tweet or instagram while taking a shit.  Celebrities like Queen Latifah, Naughty By Nature, Michael Tully, The Fugees all of whom of from the shitty great state of New Jersey…………and then the “Coolest Man In The World” walked into the studio:

Rawdog, RZA and Jason Ellis – RED DRAGONS!


Fuck yeah thats the RZA!  He stopped by to promote his new movie that comes out November 2nd, The Man With The Iron Fists.  RZA has been working on his comedy and staying of the pot ninja, oh and this movie since 2006.  He’s pumped, Ellis Tully and Rawdog are pumped, the soundtrack is on steroids, get it up ya!  Russell Crowe is in the movie, but unfortunately his band didn’t make the cut for the soundtrack.  Crowedog had to study the late Ol’ Dirty Bastard for his role in the movie which is odd and intriguing.  Enough about the movie, whats good with the RZA?  He’s been laying off the weed like I said, especially the Cali shit.  Not when he’s with Snoop Lion though, you never turn down a doobie from the Dog Father!  Apparently Method Man hasn’t turned down a doobie, blunt, or even a seed since who knows when, Tical!  Did you know Ellis met RZA back in the day in Australia?  Yeah, RZA didn’t either, but Ellis said he was a cool dude back then, and still is.  The RZA called Rawdog a “Scientist” and made his fucking week!  I personally suggest going back and listening to this interview if you get a chance.


Don’t look too long or you’ll catch a ‘contact fag’

Oh yeah, Cumtard!  He finally got back with the Nair, the regular shit and the shit specifically for men.  But since Ellis didn’t want to catch contact fag, Cumtard had to cut a whole in a box for his balls to poke through.  So after a heated battle of shit fucking with Jizz Cult, Cumtard was ready and the “Smartest Box In The World” was born….and it was downhill from there.  Cumtard applied some regular nair to one nut, and the for men shit to the other and let it sit for a while. It took a little bit of time, and only a little bit of pain, for Cumtard to tell us the ‘for men’ is a little lighter of the ball sting.  Thats some good shit to know.  So is the fact this former NY cop is off the streets, after being arrested for plotting to kidnap, rape, murder, and eat women.  This reminded Ellis n Tully it was ok for one to eat the other in a pinch to survive, and Rawdog couldn’t do shit about it really.  Rawdog probably couldn’t do shit with a wild turkey if he had to catch one either, but this didn’t stop Ellis from wondering how sweet it would look on Ellis Mania if he tried.  You could say it may have a chance to be the best video of all time huh?  Well good luck beating the current #1 video on, “Oh Fuck Red Dragons!”.  Speaking of which, Im off to get your mom to scream the same thing right now!