Show Re-Cap for Monday 5/13/2013


No really, did you miss me? Is Dom dumb? Think you got a shot with Katie?

OMG! I missed you guise! Did you miss me? I missed you lots. No, I missed you more. Aww. Did you know that the average person knows somebody that knows Ellis – really, clinical research from the the Dummy Dom Institute of Completely Wrong Facts says so. That makes everyone 2 degrees seperated from Ellis, therefore beating out Kevin Bacon and his measly 6 degrees. Dingo was born to meet the Bacon, and that’s just one of the many things that make him a sick cunt. The brought Chad Reed out of the woodwork to make a ledge of a tweet about Dingo & Ellis. Ellis went to see his pal Jake Ellenberger fight with some chick he knows from Twitter, and he thinks he might have mistaken her for someone else. Get out your tissues, either for tears or to clean up your jizz pile, Ellis & Katie are no longer going out, they’re friends and such, but they’re not exclusively fucking other people with each other. Or however you wanna put it. It took all of 60 seconds for Dom to put a call on hold where the caller wanted to ask why they broke up, and as you might expect, that call never got taken. DUH! Rawdog went to his 10 year high school reunion over the weekend, he did not get laid, get his dick sucked, or titty fucked. He went solo, the hot chicks were still hot and still didn’t really talk to him just like 10 years ago. Some chick did know that Josh was in radio however, he asked her how she knew and turns out she’s friends with Dingo’s girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend. I can’t keep track of everyone’s goddamned love life, for fuck sakes! Anyway, he basically just had a single conversation on repeat, “I’m a co-host on radio now and still live in LA.” Oh, and also, TJES will be on staycation all next week, so plan your life accordingly!


Ryan Gosling is so upset, he won’t eat his cereal.

In “you’re on the wrong fuckin turf, buddy” some dude in Africa went running after an elephant and got trampled, and in other elephant trampling news, a poacher got trampled to death by the elephant he was trying to shoot. This provided a perfect segway into Hollywood news! Jessica Simpson (elephant) is mad at Nick Lachey (poacher) for saying that he doesn’t have to play grab-ass under the table during Thanksgiving with Joe Simpson (elephant’s father) – referring to rumors about Joe being gay. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West rumor mill is abuzz with something or another about him not being part of the family as much as he should, and didn’t open a fucking door for her once, yada, yada, yada. SNL cast member Seth Meyers will be taking over Jimmy Fallon’s spot on “Late Night” while Fallon looks like he’ll be taking over Jay Leno’s spot on the “Tonight Show” and  nobody gives a shit because only old people watch that shit. Disney’s in trouble for trying to trademark a fucking holiday, sweet baby Jesus, you gotta be a bigger douche than Apple to try and trademark a holiday. Vin Diesel says that because he said “Hi guys, I love you.” on Facebook, he made Facebook what it is – which is to say, I giant steaming pile of turd. Oh, and OJ Simpson is still in jail and it’s not looking like he’s going to be getting out anytime soon.


Sex toys? Yea, she’s 5; 10″ and can lift your 140 pound ass in the air while sucking you off!

Fan of the show and Little Miss Ellis contestant, Perry, brought in 2 new machines today. A wheel of doom – a spinning wheel similar to old carnival games with interchangeable punishments for each slot. And, a dick punching machine that Ellis can push from his chair and it punches Rawdog in the dick, in his chair! Sounds like everyone is jazzed about it, except of course Rawdog and his balls. It’s now legal to smoke marijuana in Washington (the state) and bus drivers now use the “lost and found” method for people who forget their weed or pipes on their buses. I had to take a call and missed something, but I came back in as they were talking about while jerking off, you get to smell vagina. What. The. Fuck? Well, here’s a review of this horrible product. Then something about a pigtail butt plug, It’s in the shape of a curly fry, you know, for all you butt plug enthusiasts that have been wanting a coil spring from a fucking Buick in their ass. Then I got another phone call and still wasn’t exactly sure where this bit was heading. Oh, wait. Sounds like Tully is reading the “what other customer’s purchased” feature on Amazon. Anyway, another sexual toy related to the previous products was “the cone”, which is basically like a squished down traffic cone for your asshole stretching needs. Then there’s the “enema simulator”, which is basically a rubber ass that you can practice giving an enema to. So. Hot. In. Thurr. There’s an Obama dildo for all your executive decision sexual desires. And then the “solar powered vibrator” which is supposedly  great for camping! The “ohmibod” sex toy plugs into your iPhone and vibrates to the beat of the song you’re listening to and is a hipster’s wet dream. The “artificial hymen” is yet another sex toy, I assume it’s marketed towards pedophiles or similarly creepy motherfuckers that enjoy being bathed in blood while fucking. Now the creme de la creme of sex toys, the “area 51 love doll” where you bang out an alien. I want to believe! Then we have the “gates of hell male chastity device” that is like 5 rings for your cock and balls, it looks as stupid as it sounds. The “whodini” is a locking steel cock chastity that looks like an oversized faucet head from the Acme company in Looney Tunes cartoons. Anyway, you can read about most of these and more.


I don’t have anything for this. Just look at it.

In generational insanity news, grandma, mom, toddler, & baby all walked down the streets completely naked of Charolette, North Carolina and caused a traffic jam. You know how Asian men can’t grow good facial hair? Well guess what? Now they can get mustache transplants that will make Tom Selleck get emotional! Apparently the Lord told them to do this. Then it was time for unsigned bands. That usually turns out worse than NMT so I didn’t bother taking notes on any of that. The guys did say that one or two of them weren’t that bad, and I don’t know if I agree with the ones they liked, but that sounds about right – one or two were alright. Oh, and one of the songs was called “EllisMate” and was by an ex-pro skater the Ellis actually knows. It was basically full of this guy dropping names of various people and Ellis related words as much as possible with a few fuck ups littered in. Rawdog got his ass chewed for multiple mispronunciations and generally fucking up the English language on a regular bases. Dingo got reprimanded for dropping the “cunt” word a little too much today, and Ellis got called on how much he wants to see chicks’ insides, but not in a weird way, only if they wanna show it to him. Oh, and we got another Ellisism gem today, “Don’t put your eggs in this fucking basket.” Wut? Anyway, we’ve all got our own little intricacies that make us who we are, and that’s cool. Like when I make jokes out of subjects that might be considered taboo, which I try not to do too much. Just not today. I’ll start tomorrow. Maybe. But you’ll never know because I’m not scheduled to re-cap tomorrow’s show, you’ll just have to trust me. What does a gay guy and a tumbleweed have in common? They blow and blow until they get stuck on a fence in Wyoming. OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 12/14/2012


It’ll get funny, just give it time and stop looking at me like that.

First, let’s get this out of the way. What happened today was crazy and it makes everyone stop and think. Our hearts go out to the victims, families, and everyone else involved in today’s shooting in Newtown. Humans can be disgusting sometimes. But sometimes you find people who restore your faith in humanity, and that’s just one of the things that help make life beautiful. Now, let’s try to brighten everyone’s day as much as we can, shall we? Rawdog is apparently rocking a Jimmy Fallon hair style today, also known as bed head. Ellis had to call his brother, Lethal Lee, after not being able to remember that old ass thing you hung clothes on outside – a clothesline, or more accurately for the Australian vibe, a hills hoist. How much of the human race is lame? A lot, that’s how much. Tully must have been feeling emotional today as he dropped a bomb and said that he imagines most Canadians are probably not lame. Juggling on a unicycle might take impressive skills, but it’s still lame as fuck, especially when compared to doing wheelies and endos. Rawdog got called out on his mime skills, so he tried to show off those skills by miming the making of an omelet. Nobody could guess it, so apparently the best part of his mime skills is that you can totally tell it sucks shit. Why can’t Shaun White just start promoting white power along with this clothing and gaming product endorsements? Ellis and Tully have seen the dead horse dick that Rawdog is going to have to deal with at the Wreckoning, and they’re not going to show it to Rawdog so he doesn’t get the pre-game jitters.


Cumtard’s on that weed beer again.

President Obama spoke to Barbara “Piss Your Box Out” Walters and said, and I’m paraphrasing here, “Hey, if the state has decriminalized weed, he’s down with the clown and thinks the federal government should be too.” Mexican drug cartels are using t-shirt cannons to shoot soup cans full of that ditch weed they grow down there, over the boarder for us Murican’s to toke on. Cumtard says he’s still feeling the effects of that weed beer he chugged on yesterday’s show. He ate an entire pizza once he got home and then slept for 15 hours like a fuckin baby. And that is what is awesome about weed, you sleep like a fucking champion! Some transsexual athlete is playing college hoops, and some ESPN announcers got in trouble for how they referred to the athlete. The real problem here is that they were just being mean, nothing they said was funny. Remember that rule, offensive + funny = good to go. Offensive – funny = you’s in trouble, ooohhh! Do teens listen to TJES? Maybe. But who gives a flying fuck about what the teens are doing, am I right? They’re annoying and that’s all you need to know.


A gold star for Rawdog if he ends up doing time trials against Tiger Ellis.

PETA wants Ellis to do an ad for them, so ideas about how to torture the Olsen twins flew around the room. Whose defending a man’s right to fuck a horse? Well, a lawyer of course, because like gingers, they don’t have souls. Which is why I love my lawyer, he’s good, real good. We got to hear some unsigned band submissions today, and the clear run-away winner was Laura Clapp, the chick who gave Ellis the voice altamication machine. It was so good, Rawdog went bezerk and trashed the studio. Basically one dude made a shit song in his basement, another dude is in jail, Cookie Monster lost his balls, and then a bunch of shit that was even more terrible Cumtard shitting beer out his ass. Rawdog’s scared of Tiger and bike riding, he’s turning down just about everything in a bet to race bikes against a 3 year-old. His tough talk includes such gems as “I could do it, I just don’t want to” and “I don’t want to race your son.” However, he might be up for some time trials as long as he’s not being video’d getting chewed up and spit out by a toddler.

You can be a Christmas tree without being gay.

You can be a Christmas tree without being gay.

Sarah Jessica Parker’s makeup artist is a thief, she’s been stealing shit here and there. Not to be outdone by a horse’s makeup artist, Tully stole a phone charger the other day. Not on purpose, but still – he stuck it to the man. What have you stolen lately? Russell Crowe is trying to patch up relations with his wife of 9 years who used to bang Paul Giamatti Billy Joel, they were seen together in front of a romantic fire and then she Facebooked and he Tweeted. Awwww. Matt Damon said Michael Douglas is a wonderful kisser, and he should know because allegedly he’s totally gay with Ben Affleck. Alright, time to close this fucker out. To you lucky daughters and sons of motherless goats that get to go to The Wreckoning tomorrow, have fun for the rest of us! Represent like any upstanding EllisFam member would, by getting kicked out! You know how to roll, you’re mom has been getting kicked out of strip clubs since the early 80’s. When she first started hopping up on the stage and got tackled by crowds because people thought she was William “The Refrigerator” Perry. OH!