2015

Posted on April 29, 2015 by Shark Chucker

You came to the right place for news you didn’t know you needed to know. Details will be excluded from this recap to protect the innocent. Let’s get to it.

The famous people renting space in Jason’s head have rearranged the furniture and now he’s smashing his toes with every blind step. Joe Rogan, Dr. Drew, Bryan Callen, & Brendan Schaub (probably all misspelled, I don’t care) all know that he will be wearing a drool bucket around his neck. Clearly other action sports guys are still having fun , so what’s the big deal. Weather or not it makes him a bad dad became the topic and the answer is yes. (According to Tully) Continue reading →

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 4/23/2015

Posted on April 23, 2015 by bitPimps 中

People calling in to verbally abuse Andrew.

Kung fu, man. There was a time when that shit was like black magic to us cracker people. Then Bruce Lee came along and we were no longer scared of kung fu guru dudes. Bruce Lee ate a bunch of weed and hash to help calm him down, no wonder that dude found his center. Guess it was hard god damn work to be Bruce Lee. Ellis flipped himself off right in his eye socket today while doing jiu-jitsu and now he’s got a shiner. Continue reading →

Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/7/2014

Posted on July 7, 2014 by bitPimps 中

Dingo when he woke up in the hospital with no memory.

OMG sisters! I’ve missed you soooo much! XOXO’s and stuffs. After the week long break, the show is back and so are the recaps. This must mean contract negotiations are going well for Ellis. Nothing is finalized yet, but it looks very promising and he’s excited and will tell us all as soon as he can. Which works out well for him because he doesn’t want to lose his job. And it works out well for us fans too, because we get to continue listening to our favorite show. Dingo, 28 years young, has some shit to tell us today. He took the week off as many of us did. On about Wednesday, he turned the drinking knob up to 11 and carried that through to the 4th. He knew he had to fly to Vegas on Saturday, so Friday around noon he started getting worried he might miss his flight since he’s been up for 2 days drinking heavily and partying with all his friends, excluding Paris Hilton. Everyone avoided her house even though she sent out a mass text to let everyone know she was having a party at her house. Everyone has already banged her twat out so why bother going, right? Anyway, the 4th, it’s noon, Dingo’s concerned about potentially missing his flight. So he takes a substance to help him stay up, but you’re not supposed to take this substance that puts you into a hole, so to speak, while drinking. He’s at this mega house, a massive party house, a Hollywood royalty house. He starts feeling woozy, goes to the bathroom and throws up and thinks he’s gotten past it. He’s on the couch, he feels hot, he goes outside and feels like he’s going to puke again. He’s given a bucket and blacks out. He wakes up with doctors around him and he’s in the hospital. He’s confused, doesn’t know what day it is and doctors are trying to tell him how he managed to get there. Apparently he was stumbling around the beach throwing up, a stranger see’s him and gets paramedics to take him the emergency room in Malibu. They hook him up to an IV and the doctor says that’s all he can do for him and gets the paramedics to take him to the hospital in Santa Monica. They don’t know his name, he couldn’t be traced back to this mega home or friends. He made it to the airport with a plastic bag containing the board shorts and tank top he was wearing during his blackout, gets to Vegas in time for the fireworks and to introduce Nick Cannon. His new management company took him to the UFC fights and is still feeling pretty shitty so he smartly skips having any drinks in Vegas. Ahhh, the days of being young and doing the kind of drugs you can feel have aged your body by a decade.

So, he used a tool you say? What could it be? Oh, thanks Dingo!

Not to be outdone, Tully hit up 7-11 and mowed down a shitload of Doritos. He’s wondering how many Doritos he’s willing to admit to having. Has a bunch of food, some beer, and some smokes and almost goes into a Dorito hole. Ellis just stayed by the pool all day with the kids (yes, I’m including the youthful Katie here – HA!) and applying sunscreen to Devin every 20 seconds. Some strange kid wanted him to buy him a toy or some shit, another kid wanted to keep trying to pour water over his head and he’s wondering where the fuck the parents are. Then he see’s a kid go over to the edge of the pool, squat down, and release a bunch of little turd logs into the pool. Mr. and Mrs. Tully also saw a little kid face plant in from them and end up having to parade the kid around to try and find the parents because they weren’t around either. Parenting, apparently in LA, very few people actually do it, leaving behind pussy kids and annoying kids. Oh, and before I forget. Katie can’t throw up, she wasn’t feeling well, took some charcoal pills, and tried sticking her finger down her throat but it wasn’t working. So, it was up to Ellis to use a “tool” to help get the job done, which it did. As Ellis and Tully did a graceful dance around what this magical “tool” was, Dingo, well known for his masterful wordsmith abilities, blurts out, “dick in the mouth”. Oh. And also while Wilson was in Alabama, he never once heard the “n” word.

Ellis flirting with Kenda.

MMA News time with Kenda (not Kendra) Perez. Ellis received no drunk texts from Kenda over the weekend, so that pretty much means she was with her boyfriend and he must be working his way into her heart as well as her panties. Joe Rogan temporarily got put on blast by Dana White for asking Rousey if she was willing to rescue the UFC 176 PPV event in less than a month because it currently has no main event. Dana then later exonerated Joe and all is well between the two again. Chris Weidman put doubts to rest with his win over Lyoto Machida. Urijah Faber beat the brakes off Alex “Bruce Leroy” Caceres and it sounds like Urijah has had a falling out with Duane Ludwig. In TUF 19 finale, BJ Penn retired after his TKO loss to Frankie Edgar. And Ben Askren heckled “fat” Johny Hendricks and “bald” Dana White. Also, Chael Sonnen got fired from FOX Sports and UFC broadcasting. Speaking of people getting fired, here we go. Anthony Cumia, yes, the bitter old gal from Opie & Anthony also got fired. Apparently it was over some racist shit he said on Twitter. Whatever. I don’t care. Maybe not so coincidentally, new segment time with “Dude, Will This Get Me Fired?” The major bit of entertainment here was how we learned that Cumtard wiped his ass, between his legs, while standing up. Some chick he worked with at McDonalds that he tried to flirt with caught him with a wad of shitty toilet paper in his hand, dick hanging out, and standing like some kind of mental patient. Then we get another bomb dropped on us when Tully admits he’s not sure he’s ever wiped while sitting down, he always stands up to wipe. That means there are people walking among us who stand up to wipe. You know Tully & Cumtard can’t be the only two in the world. I never would’ve known, and you said the show isn’t informative.

Donald Schwartz, poaching, and history get me so hot!

Donald Schwartz called into the show to talk about how much it costs if you want to go poach a rhino. I might have written that wrong. He doesn’t condone poaching, matter of fact he flat out is opposed to it, he just knows a lot about it. He’s also opposed to beheading people, but also may allegedly know a lot about it. Also, apparently killing cool lions causes the pussy lion population to increase. I’m not sure how, but if Schwartz says it does, then I’ll take his notoriously racist* word for it. *Disclaimer: Donald isn’t really a racist, he just plays one on TV. Also, I’m joking again. He, as far as I know, has never played a racist on TV. Anyway, shit is in trouble. Animals. The ocean. All of it. And if they’re in trouble, then we’re in trouble. And nobody wants to report to the principal’s office for this one. Trust me. Or don’t. Trust Donald. See if I care. Just trust someone for once in your life. Wait. That might be a bad idea. Just go to awf.org, there are pictures there!

Ever heard of Jordan Haskins? Me neither. Apparently he’s running for 95th District Michigan State House Representative and he used to be into “cranking” which is supposedly a sexual fetish where he removed spark plug wires from cars, sat in them with the engines running, sparking, and making noises, while he jerks off. Time for some notable moments in world history with Ellis and Dingo. The Dalai Lama was a Korean dude who invented yoga, wears a dress, and is not the CEO of Apple. The bikini was invented by Dingo’s mom when she was born and his dad wore a blue one and got the nickname Blueberry. Amelia Earhart did not steal babies, but was the last female bohemian who made the world’s best/worst lemonade. Ever. She also went on a walkabout until women had rights, and then pissed off men threw her in the ocean. Lyndon B. Johnson signed up for civil rights which gave rights to civil people in 1964 and then promptly gave those same rights to everyone except for Dingo’s mother. That girl that sued Kobe Bryant was pissed because he tried to crack open the backdoor and she was not into the butt jams and so she sent text messages to the FBI and Kobe quickly bought his girl a ring with a massive rock, thereby apologizing for splitting another ladies butthole apart which required stitches. In the butt. Butthole stitching. The Battle of the Little Bighorn was between Colonel Mustard and Chief Sitting Pond, up in Canada. Neither dude took any shit, but eventually Colonel Mustard was killed by Indians (feather, not dot) and they were all like, “fuck that cracker-ass cracker.” People at the time were all like “that’s fucking bullshit, man!” But nowadays, people are like, “well, fuck that Mustard guy” because as a whole, we were dicks to Indians (feathers, not dots) and that pretty much marked the invention of fire water. John Gotti was the father of gangster rapper Irv Gotti, he invented prohibition, the Gotti necktie, and suits. The Statue of Liberty and french fries were gifts from France just say “hi, we like you” and we accepted both gifts which made our entire population fat, but fully pleased and in need of a nap. The French are still waiting for us to send them a statue of Hulk Hogan. The Watergate burglars where a family that robbed banks and information from Secret Services and sold them to the Chinese, but were caught by Deep Throat, who turned out to be Tom Hanks and was romantically linked to Richard Nixon. Alexander The Great was gay, but the greatest of all time, he hunted elephants, owned Rome, and participated in orgies like a champ. Somebody put mercury on their dick and poisoned him and then he died. The Salem Witch Hangings were real, not just a story to make kids stop eating cookies at night. They tossed witches in water, if they drowned, they were not witches, if they floated, they were witches. This was of course all before anyone learned how to swim. Benjamin Franklin flew kite, which created electricity because he put a key on that kite and then lightening was like, BOOM! Entrepreneurship to you, sir! And that concludes our history lesson for today, kiddies. Now, how would you kill Dingo? By grenades at the Grenade Games? Him on an ice rink with a bunch of rocks and you and your drunk friends get to stone him to death? Think of your best and then keep it to yourself because the show is over by now.

Awkward kisses.

Show Re-Cap for Monday 2/24/2014

Posted on February 24, 2014 by bitPimps 中

The pee-pee fairy is real!

So there I was… listening intently to my favorite show when suddenly it dawned on me. “Hey! It’s Monday and I’m supposed to be writing a re-cap!” Cool story, huh? Yeah. Well don’t worry. I’m here! So first things first, the show is from that place where a lot of bimbos are kept, lots tan people (aka Mexicans) are running around, and everyone wears goofy sunglasses that way too large for their heads. Ellis is doing his best to fight the pee-pee fairy, you know – it lives in your underwear and steals the last drop of piss from your wiener. Tully just lives in denial to the pee-pee fairy because he wears really dark underwear, therefore never seeing the tell-tail signs of the pee-pee fairy or his skidmarks. Ellis saw his ex-wife cry in front of Katie. Tiger was getting weirded out about this half black, half white kid chasing him at Sky Zone or whatever trampoline world place they were at to celebrate his birthday. Ellis was busy blowing up balloons and making “blow me” jokes when he saw Devin, mommy, & grandma b-line it to the bathroom. Turns out there was some weird family issue with the aunt and it got pretty uncomfortable and a little tense. Ahhh, family. We’ve all got one. Well most of us do, unless your family is dead or didn’t want you as a child and left you by a trash can at a Walmart. What? Did I say something wrong? Break time!

Ready for training?

And we’re back! Joey Diaz is in studio and we’re talking about the smartest kid ever, who sold Girl Scout cookies outside of a weed dispensary. Joey thinks Ellis looks like the ultimate road warrior, this lead to Joey telling the story of how he knew the key grip or something from the Mad Max movies, which led into Dances With Wolves and failing eye sight as you age. What? You can’t see the connection? Joey recently quit smoking weed, now he just vaporizes it. A lot of it. If you’re familiar with him, you know he’s been a heavy weed smoker for a long time. No, I mean a heavy into weed. Like he out baked Doug Benson heavy. This is him trying to bring his lungs back into shape so he can really start seeing the benefits of jiu-jitsu. We got to hear about how CoCo used to carry around a machine gun and acquired a trunk load of cocaine and how he went to prison. Again, if you’re familiar with Diaz, he’s got more stories than Stephen King and almost all of them are pretty crazy. He kidnapped a dude in 1988, bumped into the dude again in ’94 and tried to apologize but as one might expect, it was accepted. He tried to friend the guy on Facebook, the guy wouldn’t accept his friend request and then a quarter of a century later, the guy calls up Joey on his podcast and finally accepted his apology. See? He’s got some pretty gnarly stories. He talked about the recently deceased Harold Ramis and how he got to have a short part in one of his movies and picked his comedy brain for a couple days. Basically, I could write on for days and days about all the entertaining stories and life this guy has lived, but I just don’t have that kind of time. Fuck, I think the Internet might even run out of 1’s and 0’s if I typed all that shit. So if you want more Joey, catch him on his podcast, catch him on The Joe Rogan Experience, catch him in movies, catch him on Twitter, Facebook, you can catch this guy in a lot of place – just Google him. Break time!

When shit gets outta hand, Bourne-Tard is ready to keep people in line.

And we’re back! Aussie News time with the suicidal reproduction of mouse like marsupials who fuck themselves to death. Time to start paying the price for the bets that were made on the UFC fights this past weekend. To revisit, Tully bet if Rousey lost, he’d drink his own pee, if McMann lost, Cumtard would have to drink his own pee. Rousey won – even though people think the fight was stopped too soon – so that’s sippin’ on some pizzurp time for Kevikins. Cumtard also lost his bet with Ellis since Cummins lost, so now Cumtard will eat normal shit for 45 minutes and then eat a vomit inducing onion. In other MMA News, Cyborg really wants to take out Rousey but feels like Rousey and Dana White are doing all they can to avoid that fight, which isn’t surprising to hear come from Cyborg. A lot of people would like to see that fight happen, but the odds are probably pretty slim that it ever will. Let’s face it, Cyborg isn’t the most well liked fighter, lots of claims of her roid use, she doesn’t want to fight at the champion’s weight, and many people think she’s never fought anyone as good as Rousey. In who gives a shit news, Hulk Hogan is coming back to the WWE, brother. Moto News with Mike Alessie’s incident with Broc Tickle, where Alessie straight up took out Tickle. That bullshit earned him a fine of $4,000 from the AMA and a bunch of hate from fans, riders, and pretty much everyone except his daddy. Break time!

Remember how much Jason Bourne couldn’t handle even smelling onions?

And we’re back! This time with Cowfucker News. Old, inside show joke? Nope. There actually was news about a cow fucking duo busted by a farmer. Now, piss drinking time – allegedly. And there we go. Ok, that was a bit anti-climatic, right? Well it should come as no surprise that this isn’t the first time Tard-Tard has been sippin’ on some pizzurp. So, the only way to remedy this is to put the shock collar on him and make him start eating the onion. Houston, we have vomit. Before he could even get a mouthful in, he started gagging and spitting. The best way I can describe the sound of what happened during the bit is to have you imagine a mentally challenged person fucking the tracheotomy hole of another person, in an insane asylum, while two Japanese chicks barf into bowls who then trade bowls, and begin to consume each other’s vomit, causing them to vomit the other person’s vomit back up, but they vomit the vomit into the tracheotomy hole while the mentally challenged person continue to fuck it. Did you cum yet? Wilson’s super happy about all this because he’s in the middle of trying to hire a new employee while all this is going on, which you just know makes the person looking for a job there, super excited about their potential future career there. And now I just have one final story for you before putting a ribbon on this bitch and calling it my gift to you.

Anyone? Yes? No? Just me?

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, “As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.” The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. “What happened!?” they cried. The husband said, “I’m not sure – I think maybe she choked.” Get it? Because he put his dick in her mouth. Instead of giving her oral sex. Get it? OH! (pee on you)

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 7/11/2013

Posted on July 11, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Devon Ellis! You better not be reading this or we’re going to tell your mummy and daddy, young lady!

Hide yo kids, hide yo’ wives, cuz NYA is ruining young minds up in hurr!

It’s Thursday and people are testing my shit, what’s up with that shit, huh? Fuckin’ hell. Space helmets, Prometheus robot sticking a finger in your drink, and World War Z idiot. I don’t know what any of that is about (thanks work) and next thing I knew they were talking about having crazy gills, being able to swim like a dolphin, looking like an old shriveled ball sack, and swimming at the bottom of the ocean. Aquaman and old fish people could not swim as fast as a shark. So, everybody good and lost like me? Fantastic! Let’s see how much more I can miss because people are fucktarded. When’s the last time you hung out with an old guy and he wasn’t an ex-marine? Rawdog thinks he’ll be a cool old person and thinks he’s an “old soul” plus he likes camomile tea. Ellis’ ex, Andrea, thinks Ellis is racist against the Jews, but in reality he only hates Rawdog and her ex-boyfriend.

Rawdog leaving Nana’s house.

Rawdog thinks his sister, Dumb-Dumb Snaggle-Tooth, is smart – like all the Jewish girls he knows or ever met, including his mother and Nana. He also thinks Asians are generally smart, but he can’t explain why they can’t drive and there are no Asian Nascar champs – go figure. Tully, on the other hand, thinks Albanians are stupid, genetically pre-disposed to be dumb as fuck. Remember yesterday how Ellis talked about his daughter seeing some stuff online? Yeah, well, turns out No You Are might be partially to blame for that. So uh… sorry about that! Makes sense though. NYA is written by a bunch of 8 year-olds. KACHOW! Let’s just pretend that didn’t happen and move on, cool? Cool. So uh, you on some of that d-ball son? It’s slang for “Duribol” which is an anabolic steroid typically injected in your ass.

What’s more terrifying, old people or Freddy Krueger?

Rawdog & his girlfriend have his & her towels.

There’s a new anti-gay law in Russia, if you have any kind of homosexual propaganda and you could be fined and spend time in the polar clink. What’s even more weird is that unbeknownst to Rawdog, his girlfriend texted Ellis to ask him not to do anything to Rawdog’s cock and balls anymore now that he’s using them more. Ellis wants to have an Alice In Chains party and play more Alice In Chains on Faction. So the guys went through a bunch of their songs and picked out several to be put in rotation. This moved into some Elvis Costello song searching, but just for a bit because there’s just not enough time to delve into his deep tracks. When I suggested more Oingo Boingo and Rawdog agreed, it earned him a dick punch and me another lashing from Ellis and Will. So far today NYA has been bad and now me, I swear, this is not how my mother raised me! Corey Taylor (Slipknot) has a new book out that deals with the supernatural. It’s called: “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven: (Or, How I Made Peace with the Paranormal and Stigmatized Zealots and Cynics in the Process)” God damn that’s a long title. Brian Stann has retired from the UFC. That’s enough news for you, now it’s time for the Google auto-complete game that you don’t get to play, so there! I’ll tell you this much, Ellis and Rawdog have both gotten plane boners before, on long plane rides with some vibration and viola, they had plane boners. We were all having lots of fun with the game. And then Mayhem walked into the studio and brought that shit to a loud, screeching, halt.

Me yelling at Mayhem, who is yelling on the radio.

After a break and prepping for Mayhem’s antics, we came back to Hollywood news. Luckily for you, I was stuck in traffic so you’re going to get the abriged version. Justin Bieber peed in a mop bucket, Lil Twist got nabbed for DUI with a blunt in his hand, Joe Rogan has a new show on SciFi, and then there was some other stuff. The leader of the Church of Scientology, yeah, his wife has been missing since 2007 – nobody knows where the hell she’s at or heard from her and anyone who asks about her is told that it’s none of their business. Sounds legit. Johnny Depp wants to buy the Wounded Knee site and give it back to the Oglala Sioux Tribe. Jason Ellis’ mom (technically, he’s Hollywood, right?) texted him to say she just watched the Howard Stern interview with him and says she never protected his father or something. There’s a new movie out called Sharknado, it’s on TV tonight, and it’s full of C and B movie stars. This movie makes me think the guys should make Jewclone. It’s a cyclone full of the Jews in the Holocaust, sounds pretty good right? What about a porno called Jewkkake? No? Fine.

Even still, nobody likes Jar-Jar.

Mayhem has a new clothing line and he wants to sponsor Ellis, the deal? Ellis will do it as long as Mayhem never tweets Dana White again, ever. No deal, of course. And that pretty much wraps up today’s recap. Thanks for stopping by and reading, we hope you return tomorrow for another exciting recap filled with laughter, important life lessons, and factually true stories like this one. Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first cowboy says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.” The second cowboy can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.” The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis. OH!

No You Are

Red Dragons, Bitches

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