Tag Archives: Jason Ellis

Best of Re-Cap for Monday 3/18/2013

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I know. You’re all like, “Hey, what the fuck, man? It’s a ‘Best of Ellis’ show all this week!” And I’m all like, “Yeah, man. I know!” So you’re all like, “So why are you doing a re-cap today?” And that’s when I was like, “Dude, this isn’t your normal re-cap, this is something different.” So then you’re all like, “So how the fuck is this different?” And finally, I’m all like, “Because, dude. I’m going to go back in time, hit a few old re-caps and give you an overview of the show then and the show now. Like a ‘Best of NYA Re-Caps, Kinda’.” Okay, are we all on the same page now? No? Fuck. Look, here’s the deal. We here at NYA decided to try something new to keep you all entertained. Normally on “Best of Ellis” shows, we don’t do re-caps. This time we decided to our own “Best of NYA” re-caps. We all good now? Fantastic! So let’s jump right into this shit.

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Your mom never made a World’s Greatest Cook list, that’s for damn sure.

Remember how Ellis used to do “World’s Greatest Wednesday” almost every Wednesday, until we all beat that shit into the ground? Those were fun as shit, and since the show is in the midst of a “March Madness: Greatest Guitar Riff” contest, let’s travel back to Wednesday, February 15, 2012 when we had a WGW to find the top 10 guitar solos. Click the link above to read the re-cap and see the top 10 guitar solos. And for the lazy, I’ll give you the overall winner, which was: David Gilmour – Comfortably Numb. Another WGW blast from the past was the first time Cumtard was let go from the show. Travel back to Wednesday, February 29, 2012 to see the top 10 things for Cumtard to do for money since he no longer had a job. The number one spot was secured by: Cumtard becoming a freeway clown. What about a WGW for the best thing to do with $2000? Jump to Wednesday, March 7, 2012 when it was decided the best thing to do was: Buy a top hat, a shitload of Jack Daniels, and shoot a moose. Good times, good times.

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Mr. X is 1 part rebel, 1 part fucktard.

During the show, we’re always introduced to new and different people, most of them are pretty fucking cool too. But every once in awhile, we get to meet someone super special, like Thomas Haden Church, Rude Jude, or Mr. X. In a segment about bad ideas from Friday, February 3, 2012, one of the first times we were introduced to the first of many stories involving Mr. X, he was returning from Las Vegas after an EllisMania. At the airport, he got his bottle of shampoo confiscated, boarded the play back to LAX and then suddenly could not find his luggage after landing. Instead of going up to the counter to ask if his luggage had been lost, Mr. X waited a full two days before working up the courage to even ask about his lost luggage. Why? Because he had weed in that very same luggage. Don’t remember this story or want to hear more Mr. X stories such as getting snowballed or cumming in his pants? Allow me to introduce you to cobratits.com.

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Sometimes you get what you asked for, just not in the way you thought.

Ellis gets a lot of hook-ups from different companies, even ones that aren’t his sponsors, some of them work out and others just fizzle into nothingness. You may remember when Brazzer’s tried contacting him over Twitter, and you may also remember how nothing came (innuendo) from that contact. I’m going to assume you also don’t remember Thursday, March 1, 2012 when Amtrak – the fucking train service – tweeted him. The idea the guys were considering was to see if Amtrak could offer packages to people who were making the trek to EllisMania’s in Las Vegas. That idea quickly faded once everyone realized that they don’t have any service routes to Las Vegas. Then another idea came into play, the possibility of using the train as a possible stage for Death! Death! Die! to perform on. Of course, nothing came out of that contact either, but hey, it’s the thought and potential that counts, right?

Well, that about covers our trip to the past for today, time travel can make you very sleepy and disorienting. Use your bumper sticker to ease your mind, have “no fear” as I count backwards from 3, you’re starting to feel normal again, 2 you’re eyes are open and you pants are back on, 1 you recognize your surroundings are contemplating a drink. *SNAP* You are back in the now, you’re time travel was a success and you are relatively safe until. At least until you remember what Penn & Teller looked like when they were young. YIKES!

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Show Re-cap for Friday 3-15-2013

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Fuck You!  I don’t have to tell you shit man, I don’t have to tell you it’s Friday, and I certainly don’t have to just talk about The Jason Ellis Show.  In fact, Fuck That!  Its Dog Center mofo’s and joining our illustrious host Josh Rawdog Richmond is none other than Michael McTumble Tully (It’ll make sense later on) back from a two day aids-cation, which he “claims” to be over, uh huh!  Rawdog doesn’t really fucking care what Tully has to say cause he gets to push the buttons and sit in the big boy seat!  Tully did say he checked out some radio while out and the ‘Best Riffs’ was good clean radio fun!  Superdad is also shocked Purple Haze is now out of the pool of 64.  Tully also caught yesterdays no dick having proposition and got Rawdog started again, and just as he was about the marry a tranny, in walks our hero, our saviour, Young Wing.  Well I guess Rawdog didn’t get that memo, you know the one about checking with Ellis first before just going into Dog Center like that.  Turns out he didn’t get it, so in the end we all learned a valuable lesson today kids…..It’s Will’s fault, fucking Jizz Cult, who isn’t there today cause of his own aids-cation, which has officially been termed “Tully’s Shit Your Guts Out Disease”.  Just hope that shit don’t make it to the East Coast!  Anyways, Tiger kicked a ball into his face, and then he whipped his face off on Burger Ellis, and your Chad Reed’s poopie underwears!  How sweet would it be to take Tully’s new drug, which makes you feel just like a 3 year old, blissful as it may sound it does include temper tantrums?  How sweet would it be to think a Sperm Bank is the place you donate your load huh Rawdog?  From there it was just phone calls on fisting stories, the likes of which produced the creepiest of creepy.  One caller did remind Ellis how symmetrical and proportionate, not to mention aerodynamic, Ellismate’s penis is.  That and Tully needs to tell Ellis this same type of compliment more often, to which Tully jsut dodged big time, finally giving in with a mediocre “Nice Cock”.  Rawdog on the other hand does care for 6 pounds, and even suggested he get a Weenie Warmer for those colder nights!

Hope You Get Better Soon Will – Barry Damn!

UFC News is pretty fucking simple, its UFC 158 this weekend with Nick Diaz battling George St. Pierre, oh and GSP plays mind games with himself!  Grill Em All is this magical fucking place where these sweet add dudes make the baddest fucking burgers n sandwiches n all since like well never before.  They came on the show to toss out some eats for the gents to review, and to plug their shit – win/win!  Did you know Grill Em All is no longer just a truck driving around Cali, but rather a restaurant, with walls n a restroom n shit in the restroom n shit.  Crazy I know – Its also true they got some deal worked out with Metallica for the name n all, and Metallica has not eating there as of yet.  The dudes from Grill Em All did get to meet Lars one time, through Dave Grohl of course.  They also were invited to a party Metallica was having, but didn’t make it???  Whatever, these dudes brought food and its Friday so fuck off.  Ellis had the Behemoth which was fuckign awesome.  Rawdog had the Dee Snyder which was pretty fucking tasty.  Tully had the Bar Coastal, also excellent.  This place sounds delicious!  Weekends are crazy busy for the boys so it sounds like their move indoors is paying off handsomely.  The good folks at Grill Em All also extended the hook up to Rawdog to impress any date he may want to bring by, fucking cool man.  If your ever in California check these mutha fuckers out and enjoy!

Image from searching “Panda Porn”

Image from searching “Panda Sex”

Breaking News – Panda Porn works!  Its weird as fuck, but apparently all those years of shoving two teddy bears together has paid off.  Well its March, so what else could that mean?  Its Best Riff time everybody.  Today we were able to advance one more team to the Elite 8, this time from the ‘Alternative’ bracket.  I didn’t catch it song for song, but you get the idea:

 

#1 – “Superstitious” – Stevie Wonder WINNER

#16 – Some Radiohead song

 

#8 – No freaking clue

#9 – “In The Flesh” WINNER

 

#9 – “In The Flesh” WINNER

#1 – “Superstitious”

 

#13 – That Pixies song

#4 – “Jerry Was A Race Car Driver” – Primus WINNER

 

#12 – Violent Femmes

#5 – “Money For Nothing” – Dire Straits WINNER

 

#4 – “Jerry Was A Race Car Driver”

#5 – “Money For Nothing WINNER (Triple Overtime)

 

#5 – “Money For Nothing” WINNER

#9 – “In The Flesh”

 

So the MTV song defeated Les Claypool’s strip club anthem in one of the toughest fought battles we’ve seen in year’s folks, only to move onto the Elite 8.  More to come on this when we, you, well really The Jason Ellis Show decides who has the Best Riff!

Say “Hi” Dom!

Hey you’ve met Dom, the new producer dude right?  He seems pretty cool so far, but as we all know that don’t mean shit until you get bitten by a snake, or shit on by one too that’ll do it.  Well, today is no better day to initiate Dom into the club and who better to bring in the muscle?  Reptile Outpost no doubt!  And how better to determine the punishment, the Wheel Of Doom no doubt.  And how to determine he Dom should face The Wheel, a simple little Q+A devised from #EllisFam tweets and Rawdog.  For those of you who wanna play along at home, I’ve left the questions at the end.  Now look, questions don’t mean shit here, all we care about is life and living it right!  Well man, Dom learned to live today and tomorrow the air will taste so good to him.  Cheese will probably never taste good to him as its almost as scary to him as getting bit by a snake or scorpion.  Well after the first two questions were wrong, and Dom suffered through both blue and cream cheese and near vomiting, we eliminated cheese from The Wheel and shit got heavy.  From there Dom pretty much feel apart really.  He pet a scorpion and then a bird eating spider with minor complaint, but when the giant cock roach came out Dom lost his cool and almost his lunch since those things apparently smell like shit.  Then it was put your hand in the box time for Dom.  The first go into the box Dom was lucky as he missed the dick and touched only the bottom of the box.  Then the snake was put in and Dom got another go, and another.  Let me tell you by this point Dom was freaking out, screaming with a pitch the likes of Frank Decaro, but the snake wouldn’t fucking bite him.  By then Ellis just had the Reptile Outpost dudes bring the snake out and try to bite Dom while his arm was extended but no dice.  Its almost as if there’s a direct link between stroke victims and snakes refusing to bite them, weird.  Anyways heres the Q+A for you to play along at home, along with Dom’s answer when incorrect (And the “Correct” answers are in the caption of the next picture, if you don’t get it then you are Fucktard Of The Week):

1.  What was Tully’s original nickname?  “McTumble”

2.  Who was 1st winner of Musical Chair Fight?  “Dingo”

3.  Whos the worst house sitter?  “Dingo”

4.  Who’s the king of all pouches?  “Raw Dog”

5.  Give another nickname for Rawdog?

6.  Who’s the original owner of Ellis’s Porsche?  “Benji Madden”

7.  Whats the jet ski tat on Ellis’s leg say?

8.  What’s the girls name who gave Rawdog a hand job?  “Sasha Grey”

9.  What is Tully’s kids nickname?  “Little Man”

10.  What is Ellis’s favorite Offspring song?

11.  Name a sex move Ellis has invented?  “The Mouth To Vagina”

12.  What is Dingo’s catch phrase?  “Really”

13.  Who’s the greatest toon to do coke with?  “Scooby Doo”

14. What’s the original name of Death! Death! Die!?

15.  What does “TFB” mean?  “Tumble McRumbleson”

16.  Who lives under the studio?  “Springs”

..and for those playing at home, Dom got 4 out of 16, I got 15 out of 16, how’d you do?

(1. Cow Fucker) (2. Butter Balls) (3. Jason Mayhem Miller) (4. Jason Ellis) (5. theres so many give yourself a point) (6. Thomas Haden Church) (7. Kawasaki or Kawaski) (8. I Don’t Remember) (9. Linsanity) (10. None of them) (11. Reverse Scorpion, Reverse Chicken Wing Ball, Reverse Motosaki) (12. Pound for Pound) (13. Skeletor) (14. Tony Hawk’s Taintstick) (15. Trust Fund Baby) (16. Bill The Scorpion)

How could I forget tonight is Tiger Box, the greatest event one man has ever planned.  There’s gonna be metal n whores n locusts n Rawdog may go too, tis fucking sick man!  But before the show can go on, Ellis needs to find his guitar tech/roadie, and this can only be done with a test of will n strength n fucktardedness.  So each intern was giving a task to complete, a task that may or may not be asked of a tech in a pinch.  Anal Gay Lewis had to go purchase rubbers, poke holes n ’em, and return as quickly as he could…..so Ellis can impregnate every lady there and make tons of shredding babies to carry the Riff on forever, duh!  Fruitler was giving a gun, that may or may not, ok was used for a murder and needed to be buried where no one could find it.  Both of them were to take pictures of the task for proof, and again return as quickly as they could, at least before the end of the fucking show right.  I kinda missed a lot from here to the end, Hollywood News was about Sharon Stone pissing off her maid, and Val Kilmer tweeting Tully about checking out his new play.  Well only 5 minutes of that shit and Anal Gay had returned.  Well he definitely was the fastest thats for sure, but a job must be done correctly or the clock has not stopped ticking young grasshopper.  Well, Anal Gay not only got regular sized condoms, he also decided it be best to take them out of the wrapper to poke the holes in them, and them slip them back into the ripped packaging.  As Tully, who so elegantly hosts the world renowned Woman Am I Right, put it “woman ain’t that fucking dumb dude”!  From here the show got very happy and stuff, cause it’s Devin’s birthday today.  Happy Birthday Devin, hope you have an awesome day!!!  Ellis worked it out so he could tell her Happy Birthday live on the radio, so everyone had to be super chill or else!  Well Ellis flexed his radio muscle for Snookie to hear, and no more than 10 seconds after he said bye does Josh drop “…shit man, Fuck!”  Fruitler had returned during all this, so lets see how he did.  Well he had a picture of the gun being buried, and buried too!  Well just to make sure he’s the guy, and to also quiet Anal Gay Lewis’s tears of frustration over losing this event, Fruitler was giving the same Impregnation mission, to which he poked the fucking holes into the wrapper – Boom!   Anal Gay just died after that, and in my humble opinion got very Bitch Chocolate like from there on out.  Anyways its Final Calls from there and you know we don’t give flying mother fucking fuck!  All we care about is being elbow deep in your grandma with one arm, fist deep in your dad’s ass with the other, knee deep in your mom’s vagina with a leg, and standing straight up on the other as to form the self proclaimed “Family Tree”, OH!

 

Show Re-Cap for Monday 3/11/2013

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skrillex_faces

Skrillex faces are exactly the same as food poisoning shitting / puking faces.

What’s up sluts? OMG, you guise! It’s 311 day, and that’s gay. Skibbi-bee-do-bop. So there’s a radical dude in the studio, he goes by the name Dingo. Someone’s been fucking with the voice altermication machine and letting the air out of the tires in the THC Porsche. Kids love tattooed head guy in pink pants. Ellis took his kids to trampoline world, and when Katie went to the bathroom to go number 1 or 2, she heard kids talking about tattooed head guy in pink pants and all he got was smiling faces. The Ellis household got food poisoning again, this time from the Mexicans – but no love loss, they still their food. Puking and shitting good times was had by all! Then he got in a bit of trouble. Andrea had come over, to get the kids I assume, and as she was leaving, he turned and said, “thanks my only friend.” Of course that didn’t go over too well with Katie as she didn’t take it as a joke and felt slighted. It’s all good though, Ellis smoothed it over and they banged out the issue. Rawdog needs a jacket with a “Jew Claw” patch on the back, and the topper would be to invent the “Jew Claw” finishing move in EllisMania fights.

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Xzibit’s fall back career? Pimp my ride Afghanistan edition.

Why hasn’t Mayhem gotten back with Ellis about co-hosting Tiger Box? Is he out training, secretly hitting ever open-mic night in Hollyweird, in an effort to show Ellis up with his newly honed comedy skills? Who knows. What would Ellis and Dingo be doing if they had to fall back on to another career? Probably build houses or dig holes, that seems to be the Aussie crutch. Thankfully for everyone, that’s not the case. It’s calzone time, some Chuck (@EatAtCarlos) dude that makes them stopped by today to deliver the guys’ inventions so they could all try them. In case you have forgotten, here are the calzones featured on today’s menu: Chicken nugget, spaghetti & meatballs, loaded nachos & cheese, chili dog, dessert calzones with Little Debbie snacks & Nutella, Nutty Bars, Brownies, peanut butter & jelly with peanuts etc. Ellis and Tully gave the nod to the chili dog calzone. Dingo seemed to be satisfied with the peanut butter & jelly calzone. And of course, Rawdog went to town on the chicken nugget calzone. Apparently there’s a fucking pizza convention in Las Vegas, which sounds kinda cool until you think about how many bullshit pizzas there has to be there. Nobody wants to be the guinea pig taste tester for the pesto chicken with buffalo cornflakes pizza.

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Dude. Your steroids are not helping.

Moto news, Ryan Villopoto joined the 3-time winner at Daytona club, by umm, winning. Man, that guy, he’s one heck of a guy. Villopoto is now in the lead on the umm, leader board. This pushed Davi Millsaps into second place, trailing by 2 points and a couple of shots of steroids. Greatest riffs bracket has been setup, there are 64 entries on the bracket and it’s time to start whittling it down to 32, then the sweet 16 round, and finally the elite 8 round. It’s confusing how the bracket is working, but Rawdog gets it, so we’ll just have to trust him. Basically, 64 songs. If a song wins once, it goes to the 32 round. If that same song wins again, it goes to sweet 16 round. If that same song wins a third time, it goes to the elite 8 round. The confusing part comes up because there are only 8 songs planned for today and the plan is to get those 8 songs down to 1 song, putting that song into the elite 8 round.

  • Cat Scratch Fever (Ted Nugent) vs Ain’t Talkin’ Bout Love (Van Halen)
    Sweaty Teddy won.
  • Black Betty (Ram Jam) vs Sweet Child o’ Mine (Guns ‘N Roses)
    G’NR won. *
  • The Boys Are Back in Town (Thin Lizzy) vs Eye of the Tiger (Survivor)
    Survivor won.
  • Under Pressure (Queen & David Bowie) vs Back In Black (AC/DC)
    AC/DC won. *

Now to send 2 songs from the previous round, to the sweet 16:

  • Cat Scratch Fever (Ted Nugent) vs Sweet Child o’ Mine (Guns ‘N Roses)
    G’NR won.
  • Eye of the Tiger (Survivor) vs Back In Black (AC/DC)
    AC/DC won.

Now to send 1 song from the previous round, to the elite 8:

  • Sweet Child o’ Mine (Guns ‘N Roses) vs Back In Black (AC/DC)
    G’NR won and is now in the elite 8.

We got to hear some Mike Tyson songs on the show today, thanks to umm, Mike Tyson and The Jingleberries. Science is now saying the beer goggles do not exist, which okay, being drunk doesn’t make a chick hotter, it just lowers your standards. Makes sense, poor decision making and loss of inhibitions tend to go with alcohol. We got a little more information about Dom the producer today in an effort to get everyone to know him better, he used to do radio in Arizona and his Twitter name, @TheHippieDom came about because he was labeled as a hipster. However, he wrote out a few more questions with multiple answers and the guys have to guess which is most likely

thehippiedom

Hot, naked Dom

Q: What is the main reason why girls break-up with Dom? He goes Dutch on all meals, he works too much, or he has no future?
A: Survey says: He has no future.

Q: Dom toured around several states doing what sport? Extreme frisbee, hacky sack, or paintball?
A: He was an amateur paintballer.

Q: There’s an annual thing Dom does once a year in Mexico, what is it? To hear some great Americana music, to buy prescription pills for his rash, or to visit a friend in prison?
A: He goes to listen to Americana music.

Q: Dom has had some weird jobs over the years, which was it? A real estate agent, a urine drug screen collector, or an accountant?
A: Real estate agent.

Q: One of Dom’s most memorable trips to Mexico was what? Had no phone, no wallet, no passport, & $10 bucks and left by himself in Mexico, something else, or had to sleep in a Tijuana airport for 3 days?
A: He got left because he banged another chick besides the other girl that wanted to bang him. And he is now friends with the chick that left his ass stranded in Mexico.

Q: On a snowboarding trip one time, he came back to find what stolen from his car? Roof, seats, or wheels?
A: The roof.

Q: While trying to do a 180 on a snowboard ramp, Dom broke what? His tailbone, rib, or finger?
A: He broke his rib.

Q: Dom’s first concert was what? Sneaking in to see U2 at the age of 10, Rolling Stones at 2 weeks old, or Guns ‘N Roses at 25 or some shit?
A: U2, he likes Joshua Tree. HAHAAA

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Dom stage diving at U2.

Q: Dom’s favorite alcohol of choice is what? Tequila, something else, or absinthe?
A: ‘Atta boy! Tequila.

Q: Six months ago, Dom got hit with what condition? Bell’s Palsy, Premonitory Turrets, or Osteogenesis Imperfecta?
A: Bell’s Palsy, he had a temporary stroke and half his face froze the fuck up and he has pictures to prove it.

Q: This year, Arizona nominated Dom for what? The most eligible bachelor in Arizona radio, best radio personality, or something else?
A: He won the best radio personality in Arizona radio.

Q: The scar Dom has on his arm is from what? A .22 caliber, a human bite, or a bottle rocket?
A: He got bitten by a Cumtard when he worked a developmentally disabled place.

And with that, we close out today’s re-cap and you can go on your own merry way and spread your herpes, just like your father, mother, brother, and sister before you. Also, Burbank Dave sends his regards, to your grandmother.

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 3/7/2013

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3652qs

You see, it don’t matter what day of the week it is if you have arthritis, that shit can just flare up at anytime.  Today happens to be Thursday and Ellis happens to be in a deep battle with his arthritic wrist, you know the one filled with pins n shit from that one time it broke n could touch his elbow.  Look the point is to live life know, especially physically – do cool shit cause you won’t be able to one day soon.  Of course this doesn’t necessarily mean to pull along side some crazy dude, who just happened to pull over to some lady due to some extreme road rage and is beating on her window, but that is what Ellis did.  Yeah some douche was harassing some poor lady cause she was riding his bumper or some stupid shit and Ellis pulled over to tell Holmes to fuck off.  Holmes decided to shout some shit back, so the Wing got out of his THC issued Barry-like Porsche to make sure Holmes knew what he was doing.  Well, Holmes didn’t so he got in his car and rolled the fuck out.  What I didn’t tell you is Tiger was in the back of the Porsche, and did over hear Daddy calling Holmes “Pussy Man”.  Ellis of course talked to Tiger about the incident, and Tiger agreed that Pussy Man had it coming!  He also agreed not to say Pussy Man so lets hope he holds up his end of the bargain.  Let’s also hope that he, Rawdog and you all decide to not eat as much processed meat, after hearing/reading this shit.  Of course after a story like that, its only natural we pick on Rawdog for a few about his shitty diet.  Caller after caller about how they got stomach rot from bad diets and how amazing cool ranch Doritos Taco’s are.  Truth is, being vegan makes you an asshole and chicken nuggets have a shit ton of protein.  That’s really all I got, oh and Rawdog hangs with Cumtard on the weekends, so uh good luck with that!

 

 

tigerboxLiz Carmouche is one bad lady and called into the show to shoot the shit with Ellis n the boys.  If you don’t know who she is, she recently fought Ronda Rousey in UFC 157, Liz is the one rocking the rainbow mouth guard in support of gay rights.  She’s a total bad ass, a lesbian, a terrible guitar player, and she works at a gym for the love of it and to pay on her fresh Toyota Tacoma.  She happens to teach classes at San Diego Combat Academy if you in town and want a beat down!  Of course the price may have gone up slightly with her new found fame from UFC exposure.  However, not enough to get on her The Ellen Degeneres Show – so here it is, EllisFam Flex, need you to tweet @TheEllenShow and let her know you want to see Liz Carmouche on the show.  I’ll wait………..OK kool!   So back to Liz, she beats up grown men and dates a mexican chic.  Turns out her mexican girl friend actually keeps her calmed down ironically enough.  Liz used to be in the military, closeted though since the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ wasn’t in effect just yet.  All in all she’s a bad mama jama.  Speaking of bad mama jama’s, Katie stopped by the show for the Tiger Box prototype, but first she lent an ear to the Best Riff debate.  Nothing much more today but some weeding out of what’s what.  The good – Primus is still represented with ‘Jerry Was A Race Car Driver’.  The bad – Primus is still represented with “Jerry Was A Race Car Driver’.  And on a side note you may see Katie on D.I.Y. radio one day so keep an ear out for that!

 

 

This could be you at Tiger Box but with actual whores!!!

If you happen to be in West Hollywood on Friday, March 15 be sure to get tickets for Tiger Box with host Jason Ellis at The Viper Room about 7:30pm.  If your not quit sure what Tiger Box is, well you should go back and listen to today’s show for a sneak peek, or maybe check that shit on ellismania.com perhaps.  Either way its a fucking hoot filled with whores n metal n metal whores.  For today’s little test run, we had Ellis on guitar, Rawdog on drums (computer aided drums), Anal Gay Lewis on lyricaly sheet holding duty, and of course 4 wonderful whores – Katie, Malice, Joanna and our new friend Nikki Hearts.  We had a few fans show up to help be the lead singer, casue thats the whole fucking idea of Tiger Box – You are the lead singer, the most metal mutha fucker alive, whores all over your junk, panties flying at your face, allegedly doobies and coke baggies inside of those panties flying by your face, a fucking great idea and night for you the fan!  Our first contestant was Ryan from Chino who decided to sing ‘Am I Evil’.  Before we review Ryan’s performance please trust me when i tell you Rawdog’s drumming was nothing short of the quality of my recaps, again trust me!  Ok so Ellis did aight with his chops, and the whoreicane was in full effect, but Ryan managed to keep his cool and rock out undistracted.  He did manage to loose his pants and get Katie’s finger up his ass, your welcome!  Next we had Trapper Troy on the mic for his version of ‘Mother’, decked in full Wolfknife attire I might add.  Ellis and Rawdog again combined for a lighter raising performance and Trapper started off hot, but he was eventually swarmed by a sea of poon and inevitably won incredibly in his actual defeat!  Right about then we got hit with two bombshells, Joanna’s titties came out, ok so one bombshell, Anal Gay Lewis is quite possibly a virgin to which Malice offered to take care of that, such a nice gal.  Well Anal Gay, lets hear what your sweet virgin ass can do on a mic, a sing us the sweet melody ‘Twist Of Cain’.  Blah Blah Blah drumming sucks Blah Blah Anal Gay did a decent job in the end.  So far so good for the Tiger Box prototype, lots of whoring, lots of metal, lots of fun.  How could it get any better you ask?  Rawdizzle decided to show us how its done ‘Holy Diver’ style.  For this though, Tully had to take over the drums and man I guess that shit is kinda hard to do – anyways believe me when i hear you say that Rawdog fucking killed it!  The whores were all glamorized by his Dio-esc stylings and clearly overwhelmed with his vocal masculinity, but then again who isn’t right.  So again if you happen to be in West Hollywood next Friday, well fucking Bob’s Your Uncle!

 

 

Good thing Tully gave up his hobby….

Superdad use to be supergirl, check it.  Since Tully’s mom was a troop leader for the Girl Scouts, ol’ Oxford signed himself up to be a Brownie and help sell cookies with the other girls his age.  Dude did 8 years of this shit, no wonder he’s so fucking twisted I mean think about it people.  Anyways, if you like big tits then your sexist like me, and if you like big butts then you can not lie!  Speaking of big tits and butts, what else do you do with 4 hot chics after they’ve done whored out at a metal concert?  Get ’em to punch n head butt shit for fun.  So they did just that with the punch machine to see where each placed.  Malice went first and ended up with a high of 47 out of her 3 punches, edging out Rawdog and tying Fruitler.  Nikki went next and locked up a very nice 45.  Joanna was next and before I tell you her score, remember she is the only victory for Rawdog in EllisMania history so with that, I give you a very unimpressive 31!  Katie went again and got her score up to a 46 for good measure, and added a respectable 29 on the head butt list, which turns out is only for morons.  In Hollywood News, Bieber is fucking frustrated and having what is known in the industry as a ‘porn girl meltdown‘.  Not to fear Biebs, Joanna says she’ll give you a job if you need one, her door is always open.  Of course she makes it sound like her pussy is always open too, since its not like it was when she was 19 – come on Joanna don’t be so hard on yourself, after all you taught me that in an orgy you always want to have odd numbers – even numbers only leads to pairing off and ends the orgy!  Oh and if your set on having a threesome with your wife, just suck another dudes dick and get it on.  Also, if your calling the show for Final Calls, don’t ever have “2 things” to say, it just never works out .  In closing I would like to leave you with the immortal words of your own grandmother, “Oh fuck, oh shit, wait that’s my ass, nah its cool leave it in!”

 

Show Re-Cap for Monday 3/4/2013

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This hills are alive with the sound of…

It’s another Monday, and some of you wouldn’t mind having sex with robots, and some chicks will fuck fat dudes, but not if you show them the fat first. Dingo and Ellis’ friendship has been taken to another level after this weekend, and apparently Dings has a killer pad. Intern Anal Gay-Lewis took Ellis’ advice and got rid of the crooked / aspiring pedophile mustache he was rocking, but he still looks weird because he has a weird head. The guys are thinking of Voltron’ing together to create a single mega-comedian, Laughtron. They could also split apart to be separate comedians, but together they’d be unstoppable with jokes about aspiring pedophiles and people in the audience with pictures of their kids. Ellis saved a gay dude from getting raped by another gay dude that was blue-balling the other gay dude’s drugged up butt. Even though he wanted to kill Mr. Gay Molestor Dude (HOMOcide, get it?), he thwarted off the dude and called the cops, all that happened the same night he went to see The Used, via Bert McCracken – whose wife listens to the show and turned Bert on to it. There was some talk about school. School in Australia, US, France, etc. I’m with Ellis on this one, I hated school and I hate even having to walk through them to this day. Somehow the conversation went from schools to the nearly non-existent middle class in America and Mexican’s taking jobs. All that collection of randomness in the first hour of the show, damn!

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Fuck yeah, bath salts, so tite!

Good news, scientists have cured a baby with HIV by giving it a cocktail of shots within 30 hours of it’s birth – suck on that Africa. Supercross in St. Louis this weekend, Ryan Villopoto won the 450 class, and that’s MMA news, no wait… That’s Rawdog’s MMA news, in real MMA news, Mark Hunt knocked out Stefan Struve, and Wanderlei Silva knocked out Brian Stann in a super exciting Don Frye-esque fight. And in other MMA news, Katie got paid today and announced a purchase of shaving cream and a bunch of toys, not toys for children, but for adult holes – if you catch my drift. Why would the words “Blink 182 is gnarly” come out of Ellis’ mouth? Because of the drummer, you know, that dude that plays the drums. The next Death! Death! Die! album is working up to be a massive double disc set, as much music as can fit on a cd – plus a DVD of Big Fucking Mega Boat. Probably not out in time to be paired with the double disc release, is the Death! Death! Die! lunch box. A woman tried out to be the first female NFL kicker ever, she didn’t make the cut after missing her 15-20 yard kick – an old injury seemed to be holding her back. New TJES producer was introduced today, Domonick “Dom” DeLuise (@TheHippieDom) – whose been in radio for about 7 years and has luscious locks like Dingo, just not as long. He’s part Mexican, part Indian, part Italian, he eats meat and “froyo” (aka frozen yogurt), which might be a good nickname for him on the show. He speaks well, like he might be smart, so this could hopefully turn out to be a very good match.

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You may not like Hollywood news, but you can appreciate some fine art.

Bad news, JCPenny seems to be losing the battle with Macy’s so your catalogs of department store jerk-off material may be dwindling even more. Who was the dumbest person/s on TJES so far? Stupid Tits? Aaron Lewis? Porn stars? Probably porn stars. This led us into the segment, You Sir Are A Moron, band edition. There was a lot of back and forth here, too much to keep up with so I’m just going to pretend we all know exactly what each person voted and who was more of a moron, sir. Hollywood news times, at 2:05 AM, Justin Bieber tweeted, “Worst birthday ever” – because part of his entourage was too young to be let into the club. HAHAFUCKINGHA! But wait, Bieber said that was bullshit, he didn’t try to bring underage people into the club, he said he walked in – it was lame – so he left. OMG! You guys… I sooooo… don’t give a shit. TMZ says Benji Madden has a dream pad. Jay Leno’s days may be numbered and Shia LaBeouf was boxing at a gym or some shit. Brendan Fraser has some seriously major expenses, saying he’s losing $87k per month, while Drake unloaded a cardboard box containing $50k at a strip club. And some Aussie billionaire plans on building a replica of the Titanic, yes, the unsinkable ship that um, sank. Fuck. That. Shit.

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British porn.

Revisiting moto news, Will was called in for his opinion as he watched his first motocross this weekend. Predictably, he didn’t have anything to say, which spurred Ellis and Tully to rag on him for a bit until angry Will finally revealed himself and told them to fuck off. One is left to assume Will is missing his tickle partner and is having a hard time adjusting. That brought us to final calls, some lazy chick called in to say she doesn’t like working, which stunned all of us other working class dickheads. A dude called in about this chick that wanted to “eat him out” and it was awkward because she told him to get on all fours, he was scared and didn’t take the bung tongue surprise. That and he thought about her licking another guys asshole and now he’s been making out with her, therefore by proxy, eating another dude’s asshole. Another dude called in to say he signed his kid up for wrasslin’ and wondered if maybe something would be better, because he wants to wear his ass out so he doesn’t bother daddy anymore. Some dude wondered if Ellis ever smoked out of a human skull before, because his dad did Vietnam and swore it got him higher or some bullshit. Clearly that dude’s dad has never smoked out of your mom’s asshole. Because that shit is like smoking a joint rolled by Jesus and licked shut by your little sister’s pussy lips. OH!