Show Re-Cap for Monday 12/9/2013


It’s Monday, get excited!

Yo. I’m bitPimps and this is how post a fuckin’ re-cap. Why the fuck is every other fuckin’ word outta my fuckin’ mouth a fuckin’ fuck word? Because I’m fuckin’ learning how to be a fuckin’ man from this fuckin’ guy. But fuckin’ seriously. Welcome to fuckin’ Monday’s show. STOP IT! Sorry. My man training is becoming a bit of a habit. Ellis has been humbled. Sometimes he thinks he’s not scared of stuff and that we’re all a bunch of pussies. But he likes stretching, vitamins, and not getting hurt and having to go to the hospital – it scares him a little. Friday he ate some pastries, Saturday he ate more pastries and went to ride moto with some dudes (and moto dudes are gnarly), and Sunday was pay the price day. He couldn’t jump anything because he was afraid he was gonna eat shit, so this made him feel shitty because moto dudes just go for it and make it look easy. The moto dudes even tried to make the jump safer for Ellis, but he talked himself out of all of it and never did hit the jump. However, he’s determined to go back and hit that jump like a sick cunt and not eat shit. Dingo knows literally everybody, including famous people, rich people, and people more powerful than Shaq. He knows so many people that 2014 is already looking like a stand-out year for TJES, because Dingo will get them in as long as they’re more powerful than Shaq. Dingo takes what he does very seriously, but nobody actually knows what the hell he does. He doesn’t snowboard anymore. He used to announce snowboarding, but not so much anymore. He pitched the Danny & Dingo show, but not anymore. Dingo. He just is. Dingo and Jetta are one item away from dressing up exactly like each other, so expect some early morning phone calls between the two for coordination purposes. But sometimes Dingo sticks out like a fart in an elevator when he’s in Australia because he’s more American, and Tully sticks out like a turd in a punch bowl when he’s in New Jersey because he’s not an orange skinned guido.


MMA news? Wilson has you covered!

Remember how last week people suggested the show watch Call of the Wildman Turtleboy? Surprise! It sucked. It was about a busted lamp at grandma’s, a cave, and Turtleboy’s pet raccoon. So Friday Night Fights were on Friday, if you can imagine that. Dingo was too busy chatting it up with Gerard Butler and didn’t see any of it, but Kenda Perez did and she called into the show to talk about it and how massive of a head Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva has. Tully was a bit confused when the announcers said Mark Hunt looked in phenomenal shape because he looks like he’s one Baconator on a pretzel bun away from a bedridden life. Shogun looked like he wanted to murder James Te Huna, and pretty much did by knocking him out. After Kenda, Wilson came in (his pants, OH!) to record a new MMA News button for the show. Katie also came in (not like that, it takes her longer. OH! OH! OH! Nope, not there.) to help pitch ideas and say a few things for the button. What was Dingo’s contribution? Pound for pound and karate chop! Bravo, you ledge! Everyone went around the room adding their contributions to what will no doubtedly be the most sought after MMA News button in the land.


I’m about to chivalry all over your face!

Something like 63% of Americans agree that chivalry is alive and well. And I’d have to say that in some shape, way, or form, it is – for the most part. Supposedly 1 in 7 men will offer their seat on the bus or train to a woman. I’m guessing those are for the hot women, not the slobs. Supposedly 1 in 3 men say they never assist mothers with infant / toddlers in strollers. You know this is because nobody wants to be around a screaming brat for any longer than they to be. Supposedly 1 in 5 men say they will regularly pull out a chair for women. I assume this is strictly for practical joke purposes. 82% of women surveyed said they would prefer to pay on dates. Yeah, right. Who the fuck are you trying to kid? Supposedly 89% of women said they would not accept help carrying their own bags. You’re just asking to get mugged at that point, right? Women want to be treated as equals, so of course some of the old-fashioned chivalry would not happen in today’s world. Is there even a need to throw your cape down over a puddle for a woman to walk on? Not if you live anywhere near a society. And if you don’t, you’re living subsistence life style so the woman is used to getting dirty. All this is about being a gentleman. And if you’re not one, you’re probably partly responsible for Honey Boo Boo. But chicks, you could be partly responsible too if you’re just a pure piece of trash who can’t even respect herself. Paris Hilton’s brother Lindsay Lohan’s friend dad party Dingo and I just shat my poop out. And that about does it for today’s re-cap. I sure do hope you enjoyed it, because I made it myself, slaved over it for hours, making just right, thinking of all your favorite things. So… Why’d the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong pair of socks. OH!

This has nothing to do with the re-cap, I just thought it was impressive as fuck.

Show Re-Cap for Monday 3/4/2013


This hills are alive with the sound of…

It’s another Monday, and some of you wouldn’t mind having sex with robots, and some chicks will fuck fat dudes, but not if you show them the fat first. Dingo and Ellis’ friendship has been taken to another level after this weekend, and apparently Dings has a killer pad. Intern Anal Gay-Lewis took Ellis’ advice and got rid of the crooked / aspiring pedophile mustache he was rocking, but he still looks weird because he has a weird head. The guys are thinking of Voltron’ing together to create a single mega-comedian, Laughtron. They could also split apart to be separate comedians, but together they’d be unstoppable with jokes about aspiring pedophiles and people in the audience with pictures of their kids. Ellis saved a gay dude from getting raped by another gay dude that was blue-balling the other gay dude’s drugged up butt. Even though he wanted to kill Mr. Gay Molestor Dude (HOMOcide, get it?), he thwarted off the dude and called the cops, all that happened the same night he went to see The Used, via Bert McCracken – whose wife listens to the show and turned Bert on to it. There was some talk about school. School in Australia, US, France, etc. I’m with Ellis on this one, I hated school and I hate even having to walk through them to this day. Somehow the conversation went from schools to the nearly non-existent middle class in America and Mexican’s taking jobs. All that collection of randomness in the first hour of the show, damn!


Fuck yeah, bath salts, so tite!

Good news, scientists have cured a baby with HIV by giving it a cocktail of shots within 30 hours of it’s birth – suck on that Africa. Supercross in St. Louis this weekend, Ryan Villopoto won the 450 class, and that’s MMA news, no wait… That’s Rawdog’s MMA news, in real MMA news, Mark Hunt knocked out Stefan Struve, and Wanderlei Silva knocked out Brian Stann in a super exciting Don Frye-esque fight. And in other MMA news, Katie got paid today and announced a purchase of shaving cream and a bunch of toys, not toys for children, but for adult holes – if you catch my drift. Why would the words “Blink 182 is gnarly” come out of Ellis’ mouth? Because of the drummer, you know, that dude that plays the drums. The next Death! Death! Die! album is working up to be a massive double disc set, as much music as can fit on a cd – plus a DVD of Big Fucking Mega Boat. Probably not out in time to be paired with the double disc release, is the Death! Death! Die! lunch box. A woman tried out to be the first female NFL kicker ever, she didn’t make the cut after missing her 15-20 yard kick – an old injury seemed to be holding her back. New TJES producer was introduced today, Domonick “Dom” DeLuise (@TheHippieDom) – whose been in radio for about 7 years and has luscious locks like Dingo, just not as long. He’s part Mexican, part Indian, part Italian, he eats meat and “froyo” (aka frozen yogurt), which might be a good nickname for him on the show. He speaks well, like he might be smart, so this could hopefully turn out to be a very good match.


You may not like Hollywood news, but you can appreciate some fine art.

Bad news, JCPenny seems to be losing the battle with Macy’s so your catalogs of department store jerk-off material may be dwindling even more. Who was the dumbest person/s on TJES so far? Stupid Tits? Aaron Lewis? Porn stars? Probably porn stars. This led us into the segment, You Sir Are A Moron, band edition. There was a lot of back and forth here, too much to keep up with so I’m just going to pretend we all know exactly what each person voted and who was more of a moron, sir. Hollywood news times, at 2:05 AM, Justin Bieber tweeted, “Worst birthday ever” – because part of his entourage was too young to be let into the club. HAHAFUCKINGHA! But wait, Bieber said that was bullshit, he didn’t try to bring underage people into the club, he said he walked in – it was lame – so he left. OMG! You guys… I sooooo… don’t give a shit. TMZ says Benji Madden has a dream pad. Jay Leno’s days may be numbered and Shia LaBeouf was boxing at a gym or some shit. Brendan Fraser has some seriously major expenses, saying he’s losing $87k per month, while Drake unloaded a cardboard box containing $50k at a strip club. And some Aussie billionaire plans on building a replica of the Titanic, yes, the unsinkable ship that um, sank. Fuck. That. Shit.


British porn.

Revisiting moto news, Will was called in for his opinion as he watched his first motocross this weekend. Predictably, he didn’t have anything to say, which spurred Ellis and Tully to rag on him for a bit until angry Will finally revealed himself and told them to fuck off. One is left to assume Will is missing his tickle partner and is having a hard time adjusting. That brought us to final calls, some lazy chick called in to say she doesn’t like working, which stunned all of us other working class dickheads. A dude called in about this chick that wanted to “eat him out” and it was awkward because she told him to get on all fours, he was scared and didn’t take the bung tongue surprise. That and he thought about her licking another guys asshole and now he’s been making out with her, therefore by proxy, eating another dude’s asshole. Another dude called in to say he signed his kid up for wrasslin’ and wondered if maybe something would be better, because he wants to wear his ass out so he doesn’t bother daddy anymore. Some dude wondered if Ellis ever smoked out of a human skull before, because his dad did Vietnam and swore it got him higher or some bullshit. Clearly that dude’s dad has never smoked out of your mom’s asshole. Because that shit is like smoking a joint rolled by Jesus and licked shut by your little sister’s pussy lips. OH!