Show Re-Cap for Monday 12/9/2013


It’s Monday, get excited!

Yo. I’m bitPimps and this is how post a fuckin’ re-cap. Why the fuck is every other fuckin’ word outta my fuckin’ mouth a fuckin’ fuck word? Because I’m fuckin’ learning how to be a fuckin’ man from this fuckin’ guy. But fuckin’ seriously. Welcome to fuckin’ Monday’s show. STOP IT! Sorry. My man training is becoming a bit of a habit. Ellis has been humbled. Sometimes he thinks he’s not scared of stuff and that we’re all a bunch of pussies. But he likes stretching, vitamins, and not getting hurt and having to go to the hospital – it scares him a little. Friday he ate some pastries, Saturday he ate more pastries and went to ride moto with some dudes (and moto dudes are gnarly), and Sunday was pay the price day. He couldn’t jump anything because he was afraid he was gonna eat shit, so this made him feel shitty because moto dudes just go for it and make it look easy. The moto dudes even tried to make the jump safer for Ellis, but he talked himself out of all of it and never did hit the jump. However, he’s determined to go back and hit that jump like a sick cunt and not eat shit. Dingo knows literally everybody, including famous people, rich people, and people more powerful than Shaq. He knows so many people that 2014 is already looking like a stand-out year for TJES, because Dingo will get them in as long as they’re more powerful than Shaq. Dingo takes what he does very seriously, but nobody actually knows what the hell he does. He doesn’t snowboard anymore. He used to announce snowboarding, but not so much anymore. He pitched the Danny & Dingo show, but not anymore. Dingo. He just is. Dingo and Jetta are one item away from dressing up exactly like each other, so expect some early morning phone calls between the two for coordination purposes. But sometimes Dingo sticks out like a fart in an elevator when he’s in Australia because he’s more American, and Tully sticks out like a turd in a punch bowl when he’s in New Jersey because he’s not an orange skinned guido.


MMA news? Wilson has you covered!

Remember how last week people suggested the show watch Call of the Wildman Turtleboy? Surprise! It sucked. It was about a busted lamp at grandma’s, a cave, and Turtleboy’s pet raccoon. So Friday Night Fights were on Friday, if you can imagine that. Dingo was too busy chatting it up with Gerard Butler and didn’t see any of it, but Kenda Perez did and she called into the show to talk about it and how massive of a head Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva has. Tully was a bit confused when the announcers said Mark Hunt looked in phenomenal shape because he looks like he’s one Baconator on a pretzel bun away from a bedridden life. Shogun looked like he wanted to murder James Te Huna, and pretty much did by knocking him out. After Kenda, Wilson came in (his pants, OH!) to record a new MMA News button for the show. Katie also came in (not like that, it takes her longer. OH! OH! OH! Nope, not there.) to help pitch ideas and say a few things for the button. What was Dingo’s contribution? Pound for pound and karate chop! Bravo, you ledge! Everyone went around the room adding their contributions to what will no doubtedly be the most sought after MMA News button in the land.


I’m about to chivalry all over your face!

Something like 63% of Americans agree that chivalry is alive and well. And I’d have to say that in some shape, way, or form, it is – for the most part. Supposedly 1 in 7 men will offer their seat on the bus or train to a woman. I’m guessing those are for the hot women, not the slobs. Supposedly 1 in 3 men say they never assist mothers with infant / toddlers in strollers. You know this is because nobody wants to be around a screaming brat for any longer than they to be. Supposedly 1 in 5 men say they will regularly pull out a chair for women. I assume this is strictly for practical joke purposes. 82% of women surveyed said they would prefer to pay on dates. Yeah, right. Who the fuck are you trying to kid? Supposedly 89% of women said they would not accept help carrying their own bags. You’re just asking to get mugged at that point, right? Women want to be treated as equals, so of course some of the old-fashioned chivalry would not happen in today’s world. Is there even a need to throw your cape down over a puddle for a woman to walk on? Not if you live anywhere near a society. And if you don’t, you’re living subsistence life style so the woman is used to getting dirty. All this is about being a gentleman. And if you’re not one, you’re probably partly responsible for Honey Boo Boo. But chicks, you could be partly responsible too if you’re just a pure piece of trash who can’t even respect herself. Paris Hilton’s brother Lindsay Lohan’s friend dad party Dingo and I just shat my poop out. And that about does it for today’s re-cap. I sure do hope you enjoyed it, because I made it myself, slaved over it for hours, making just right, thinking of all your favorite things. So… Why’d the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong pair of socks. OH!

This has nothing to do with the re-cap, I just thought it was impressive as fuck.

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 6/13/2013


Yes, where are the chicks that wanna talk wad?

Holy shit! It’s Thursday the 13th! Wait. It’s Friday the 13th that’s supposed to be freaky, isn’t it. My bad. But for all we know, it could really be Friday and the man is just making us think it’s Thursday. Ever think about that one? You did? Oh, you did? Okay, well then fuck it. Ellis thinks he likes Frank Sinatra more now and might get some suits, go to night clubs and sashay to “Come Fly With Me”, and act like a completely different person. His therapist says he needs to get out there and get bitches numbers and shit, without doing a pillowcase full of cocaine and shitfaced on vodka. The knuckleball is an uncommonly thrown pitch in baseball, it is thrown to minimize the spin of the ball in flight, causing an erratic and unpredictable motion, making it harder to hit. Speaking of baseball, it was 43 years ago today that Dock Ellis threw a no-hitter while on LSD! A little intern rivalry on the show today as Anal Gay-Lewis spilled the beans on Jimmy Neutron, how he’s kind of stupid and doesn’t follow orders very well, specifically, his orders. Neutron started to give Anal the stink eye and began defending himself as he was having tremors in his fit of rage. The guys thought maybe Neutron was just blowing hot air, but he say’s he’s trained a little bit and thinks he can take Anal. Are you guys catching all these innuendos that are heavily peppered in the past few sentences? One thing both interns agreed on was that they both liked Team Jetta better than the each other, even though Team Jetta seemed like he had been partying with Jude before coming to work.


Shout out to intern Jimmy Neutron!

Hollywood news times. Rapper 2 Chainz’s robbery was actually caught on video along with a dude that happily skips down the sidewalk during the robbery. So cute! NBA talk time, the Spurs put Tracy McGrady (aka T-Mac) in the game because they were kicking so much ass. Back to Hollywood, Lindsay Lohan is still in rehab, that’s neat. David Letterman likes to compliment guest bands on their drums and find out if the drums are theirs or not. Pal of Jason Ellis, Carey Hart, was on TMZ because a photographer was taking pictures of Pink changing their child’s diaper, so Carey and his friend assaulted the dummy. Amanda Bynes and Cher got in a small spat on Twitter, then today Amanda got into it with Miley Cyrus on Twitter as well, and all that is super neat. Reese Witherspoon accidentally showed her turd cutter on them skreets. There are fragrance foundation awards? What. The. Flower? Who cares. Gerard Butler was on some show in Germany to try and crack nuts with his ass and then pour ice water down the front of his pants. This prompted the guys to think this might be something the interns should do, which of course Team Punishment (aka Tito, aka Jimmy Neutron) thought was a dumb idea and didn’t want to do. What a team player, he pretty much isn’t into anything and he definitely seems to have a chip on his shoulder. Each intern was sent out to get the goods, 1 some walnuts, 1 a bag of ice, and 1 to get something else I can’t remember. First one back? Jimmy Neutron, with a sack of fucking trail mix. What a dumb-shit. The interns finally came back with all their supplies, but only Anal Gay-Lewis knew how to put fucking ice in his pants, the other 2 interns were just lost. One is fucking high on something and the other must be mentally retarded.


I’m guessing there were no balloons in Sparta.

Some fool has invented cube shaped wheels for skateboards, you know, because cubes must out perform round fucking wheels. I guess he’s talking about traction, but still, it looks ridiculous. Hey, did you know most past civilizations are full of fantasy shit that never really happened, like vikings wearing helmets with horns? Well, not Sparta. Apparently it was pretty much exactly like the fucking movie 300 – but with way more insults and a lot less love. Your newborn look a little funky? Better abandon that little shit on a hill and hope some stranger takes it home to eat it. So you’re 4 and afraid of the dark? Guess what, you get to be isolated in a dark room, ya little pussy. Happy 7th birthday! No go learn how to hunt and be a soldier and be naked. Oh, you’re hungry? Better steal some food and hope your ass doesn’t get caught, or you getting the shit beat out of you. This sounds exactly the opposite of where interns are raised. Rawdog did his workout challenge on-air today and it sounds like he went hard in the paint like a champ. I assume he spent the next 10 minutes on a single, continuous yawn afterwards. Then it was time for his testosterone smoothie. The interns were put in charge of making the smoothie, and guess what they couldn’t do very well? Yup, use a fucking blender. Scratch that, he worked out until he started puking, so that’s pretty fucking hard in the paint – though I’m not so sure having to puke after every workout is a good thing. You can say what you want about Rawdog, and you can say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly around schools and playgrounds. OH!