Fuck You! I don’t have to tell you shit man, I don’t have to tell you it’s Friday, and I certainly don’t have to just talk about The Jason Ellis Show. In fact, Fuck That! Its Dog Center mofo’s and joining our illustrious host Josh Rawdog Richmond is none other than Michael McTumble Tully (It’ll make sense later on) back from a two day aids-cation, which he “claims” to be over, uh huh! Rawdog doesn’t really fucking care what Tully has to say cause he gets to push the buttons and sit in the big boy seat! Tully did say he checked out some radio while out and the ‘Best Riffs’ was good clean radio fun! Superdad is also shocked Purple Haze is now out of the pool of 64. Tully also caught yesterdays no dick having proposition and got Rawdog started again, and just as he was about the marry a tranny, in walks our hero, our saviour, Young Wing. Well I guess Rawdog didn’t get that memo, you know the one about checking with Ellis first before just going into Dog Center like that. Turns out he didn’t get it, so in the end we all learned a valuable lesson today kids…..It’s Will’s fault, fucking Jizz Cult, who isn’t there today cause of his own aids-cation, which has officially been termed “Tully’s Shit Your Guts Out Disease”. Just hope that shit don’t make it to the East Coast! Anyways, Tiger kicked a ball into his face, and then he whipped his face off on Burger Ellis, and your Chad Reed’s poopie underwears! How sweet would it be to take Tully’s new drug, which makes you feel just like a 3 year old, blissful as it may sound it does include temper tantrums? How sweet would it be to think a Sperm Bank is the place you donate your load huh Rawdog? From there it was just phone calls on fisting stories, the likes of which produced the creepiest of creepy. One caller did remind Ellis how symmetrical and proportionate, not to mention aerodynamic, Ellismate’s penis is. That and Tully needs to tell Ellis this same type of compliment more often, to which Tully jsut dodged big time, finally giving in with a mediocre “Nice Cock”. Rawdog on the other hand does care for 6 pounds, and even suggested he get a Weenie Warmer for those colder nights!
Hope You Get Better Soon Will – Barry Damn!
UFC News is pretty fucking simple, its UFC 158 this weekend with Nick Diaz battling George St. Pierre, oh and GSP plays mind games with himself! Grill Em All is this magical fucking place where these sweet add dudes make the baddest fucking burgers n sandwiches n all since like well never before. They came on the show to toss out some eats for the gents to review, and to plug their shit – win/win! Did you know Grill Em All is no longer just a truck driving around Cali, but rather a restaurant, with walls n a restroom n shit in the restroom n shit. Crazy I know – Its also true they got some deal worked out with Metallica for the name n all, and Metallica has not eating there as of yet. The dudes from Grill Em All did get to meet Lars one time, through Dave Grohl of course. They also were invited to a party Metallica was having, but didn’t make it??? Whatever, these dudes brought food and its Friday so fuck off. Ellis had the Behemoth which was fuckign awesome. Rawdog had the Dee Snyder which was pretty fucking tasty. Tully had the Bar Coastal, also excellent. This place sounds delicious! Weekends are crazy busy for the boys so it sounds like their move indoors is paying off handsomely. The good folks at Grill Em All also extended the hook up to Rawdog to impress any date he may want to bring by, fucking cool man. If your ever in California check these mutha fuckers out and enjoy!
Image from searching “Panda Porn”
Image from searching “Panda Sex”
Breaking News – Panda Porn works! Its weird as fuck, but apparently all those years of shoving two teddy bears together has paid off. Well its March, so what else could that mean? Its Best Riff time everybody. Today we were able to advance one more team to the Elite 8, this time from the ‘Alternative’ bracket. I didn’t catch it song for song, but you get the idea:
#1 – “Superstitious” – Stevie Wonder WINNER
#16 – Some Radiohead song
#8 – No freaking clue
#9 – “In The Flesh” WINNER
#9 – “In The Flesh” WINNER
#1 – “Superstitious”
#13 – That Pixies song
#4 – “Jerry Was A Race Car Driver” – Primus WINNER
#12 – Violent Femmes
#5 – “Money For Nothing” – Dire Straits WINNER
#4 – “Jerry Was A Race Car Driver”
#5 – “Money For Nothing WINNER (Triple Overtime)
#5 – “Money For Nothing” WINNER
#9 – “In The Flesh”
So the MTV song defeated Les Claypool’s strip club anthem in one of the toughest fought battles we’ve seen in year’s folks, only to move onto the Elite 8. More to come on this when we, you, well really The Jason Ellis Show decides who has the Best Riff!
Say “Hi” Dom!
Hey you’ve met Dom, the new producer dude right? He seems pretty cool so far, but as we all know that don’t mean shit until you get bitten by a snake, or shit on by one too that’ll do it. Well, today is no better day to initiate Dom into the club and who better to bring in the muscle? Reptile Outpost no doubt! And how better to determine the punishment, the Wheel Of Doom no doubt. And how to determine he Dom should face The Wheel, a simple little Q+A devised from #EllisFam tweets and Rawdog. For those of you who wanna play along at home, I’ve left the questions at the end. Now look, questions don’t mean shit here, all we care about is life and living it right! Well man, Dom learned to live today and tomorrow the air will taste so good to him. Cheese will probably never taste good to him as its almost as scary to him as getting bit by a snake or scorpion. Well after the first two questions were wrong, and Dom suffered through both blue and cream cheese and near vomiting, we eliminated cheese from The Wheel and shit got heavy. From there Dom pretty much feel apart really. He pet a scorpion and then a bird eating spider with minor complaint, but when the giant cock roach came out Dom lost his cool and almost his lunch since those things apparently smell like shit. Then it was put your hand in the box time for Dom. The first go into the box Dom was lucky as he missed the dick and touched only the bottom of the box. Then the snake was put in and Dom got another go, and another. Let me tell you by this point Dom was freaking out, screaming with a pitch the likes of Frank Decaro, but the snake wouldn’t fucking bite him. By then Ellis just had the Reptile Outpost dudes bring the snake out and try to bite Dom while his arm was extended but no dice. Its almost as if there’s a direct link between stroke victims and snakes refusing to bite them, weird. Anyways heres the Q+A for you to play along at home, along with Dom’s answer when incorrect (And the “Correct” answers are in the caption of the next picture, if you don’t get it then you are Fucktard Of The Week):
1. What was Tully’s original nickname? “McTumble”
2. Who was 1st winner of Musical Chair Fight? “Dingo”
3. Whos the worst house sitter? “Dingo”
4. Who’s the king of all pouches? “Raw Dog”
5. Give another nickname for Rawdog?
6. Who’s the original owner of Ellis’s Porsche? “Benji Madden”
7. Whats the jet ski tat on Ellis’s leg say?
8. What’s the girls name who gave Rawdog a hand job? “Sasha Grey”
9. What is Tully’s kids nickname? “Little Man”
10. What is Ellis’s favorite Offspring song?
11. Name a sex move Ellis has invented? “The Mouth To Vagina”
12. What is Dingo’s catch phrase? “Really”
13. Who’s the greatest toon to do coke with? “Scooby Doo”
14. What’s the original name of Death! Death! Die!?
15. What does “TFB” mean? “Tumble McRumbleson”
16. Who lives under the studio? “Springs”
..and for those playing at home, Dom got 4 out of 16, I got 15 out of 16, how’d you do?
(1. Cow Fucker) (2. Butter Balls) (3. Jason Mayhem Miller) (4. Jason Ellis) (5. theres so many give yourself a point) (6. Thomas Haden Church) (7. Kawasaki or Kawaski) (8. I Don’t Remember) (9. Linsanity) (10. None of them) (11. Reverse Scorpion, Reverse Chicken Wing Ball, Reverse Motosaki) (12. Pound for Pound) (13. Skeletor) (14. Tony Hawk’s Taintstick) (15. Trust Fund Baby) (16. Bill The Scorpion)
How could I forget tonight is Tiger Box, the greatest event one man has ever planned. There’s gonna be metal n whores n locusts n Rawdog may go too, tis fucking sick man! But before the show can go on, Ellis needs to find his guitar tech/roadie, and this can only be done with a test of will n strength n fucktardedness. So each intern was giving a task to complete, a task that may or may not be asked of a tech in a pinch. Anal Gay Lewis had to go purchase rubbers, poke holes n ’em, and return as quickly as he could…..so Ellis can impregnate every lady there and make tons of shredding babies to carry the Riff on forever, duh! Fruitler was giving a gun, that may or may not, ok was used for a murder and needed to be buried where no one could find it. Both of them were to take pictures of the task for proof, and again return as quickly as they could, at least before the end of the fucking show right. I kinda missed a lot from here to the end, Hollywood News was about Sharon Stone pissing off her maid, and Val Kilmer tweeting Tully about checking out his new play. Well only 5 minutes of that shit and Anal Gay had returned. Well he definitely was the fastest thats for sure, but a job must be done correctly or the clock has not stopped ticking young grasshopper. Well, Anal Gay not only got regular sized condoms, he also decided it be best to take them out of the wrapper to poke the holes in them, and them slip them back into the ripped packaging. As Tully, who so elegantly hosts the world renowned Woman Am I Right, put it “woman ain’t that fucking dumb dude”! From here the show got very happy and stuff, cause it’s Devin’s birthday today. Happy Birthday Devin, hope you have an awesome day!!! Ellis worked it out so he could tell her Happy Birthday live on the radio, so everyone had to be super chill or else! Well Ellis flexed his radio muscle for Snookie to hear, and no more than 10 seconds after he said bye does Josh drop “…shit man, Fuck!” Fruitler had returned during all this, so lets see how he did. Well he had a picture of the gun being buried, and buried too! Well just to make sure he’s the guy, and to also quiet Anal Gay Lewis’s tears of frustration over losing this event, Fruitler was giving the same Impregnation mission, to which he poked the fucking holes into the wrapper – Boom! Anal Gay just died after that, and in my humble opinion got very Bitch Chocolate like from there on out. Anyways its Final Calls from there and you know we don’t give flying mother fucking fuck! All we care about is being elbow deep in your grandma with one arm, fist deep in your dad’s ass with the other, knee deep in your mom’s vagina with a leg, and standing straight up on the other as to form the self proclaimed “Family Tree”, OH!
getting a tan as he trains jiu jitsu. Rawdog is going to just roll on the pussy train making all the stops in Tuna Town, Smash City, and Beavertropolis. Tully will be reading Children’s books, because he is super dad and that’s what super dad does. After vacation they thought it would be really awesome to do a show sitting in the ocean, that is until one of the intern tards dropped the cord killing everybody. Josh revealed that he is also going to a vampire porn movie premier at a club so he can finally put all those games of Dance Dance Revolution to use. Tully broke the law to check out massive boobies, rightly so, those things are ridiculous! Thank you sir for your contributions to society. Would you cut your balls off to win the lottery? For hundreds of millions of dollars are you willing to have just a shaft and a massive taint? I would, and I would show everybody my million dollar nut sack scar as I laugh and drive away in my Lamborghini. Ellis thinks he can fight a bear with a shield and sword and win, I’m not touching this topic. Are you a fat piece of shit and want to know the Jason Ellis Secrets To Weight Loss? Burn more calories than you eat, don’t eat junk food, and don’t eat after eight at night. That’s right fattys, it’s that simple.
playing sneaky nuts. Ellis challenged Dom to a reading sing off duel while wearing cockroaches. Dom screamed like a little girl when the woman, that’s right a woman, put them on him. This incredibly entertaining bit of torture was brought to you by Reptile Outpost, always supplying TJES with creepy crawly bitey things. Sweet Wheels (@SweetWheelsLa) brought in some treats for the guys and the girls told them about being i a desert truck and the tough times of being a mobile restaurant chef and owner. After stuffing their faces the guys took a few phone calls giving relationship advice. Here is a summary of their replies: tell your chick tough shit and be happy you have a roof and food, if she’s getting wasted all the time get her help or leave, if she’s got another dude leave her alone until she doesn’t, the best way to get over a chick is to get under another one, don’t date your besties ex unless its been over 10 years and you have written permission and he’s dead. Then there were a bunch more calls for different advice but I didn’t write them all down because its Friday and I don’t give a fuck.