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Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 3/6/2013

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This is the show recap with style, recapping the radio show with audio style! We’re so sexy our own reflection tries to molest us! Speaking of molesting, Malin Akerman is so hot she should be beaten, but not in a bad way. Beaten in a good way, with love, and a stiff dick. Speaking of cocks, Andy Bell isn’t one and all good after he and Ellis had a chat yesterday after the show. Dom (the new producer) is colorblind and single so ladies if your looking for a dude with mismatched socks, he’s available. Rawdog thinks looking for one night stands is creepy, figures, and Tully fucked a girl while he was house sitting his buddy’s pad and had to replace the sheets because she…fuck it, I’ll say it, her box was stinky! Tomorrow will be a rather cramped show with Katie, Malice, Joanna, and Joanna’s friend for Tiger Box practice. A black drunk Inspector Gadget, a black homeless dude, and a white guy in a suit walk in front of a seven eleven. You were expecting a joke? As of that mental image wasn’t funny enough. Then talk turned to pitbulls, shotguns, punches in de face, nails across the back, apologies, and of course, sex. And that was all in one night!

back when her boobs were normal

back when her boobs were normal

Ellis says that he is the man he is because of the BJ’s he’s had. I’m not sure what that means but it’s good advise, so go get BJ’s and be a better man. Today is the 15 year anniversary of The Big Lebowski and Tara Ried offering BJ’s for cash. If Ellis could run the country he would be dropping nukes on assholes and making it rain FIYAHHHHH! Then the other assholes will know that we aren’t shitting around. Then they talked about the one on one world war scenario again the only thing to remember from that conversation is that Crazy Bones Jones is to be feared by all.

Do you know what the worlds greatest guitar riff is? You will. Much like the critically acclaimed Worlds Greatest Guitar Solo, we bring you Worlds Greatest Guitar Riff! Is it Pantera’s Cemetery Gates, Metallica’s Enter Sandman, GnR with Paradise City, or Iron Maiden’s Number Of The Beast? Sent your suggestions to Tully, Jason, or Josh via Twitter or email them at jellis@siriusxm.com to send in your suggestions and they better not suck.Dimebag+Darrell

A dog shot his owner in the leg in Florida, probably after the dog caught the dude with his bitch. It is Florida after all. Somebody said that Ellis changed after he regained the memory of his raping from a dude he helped and now he doesn’t want to help anyone, like Tully.

hahahaha, anus

hahahaha, anus

Rawdog did his report on vaginas today, and we learned about the actual vagina, the vulva, the clitoris, the outer lips, and the roast beef. We also learned that there are many more uses for pubic hairs than just smoking them. Also don’t forget about vaginal odors and discharge. Finally, if you are a man, remember, your wiener doesn’t bleed, THANK BARRY!

In Feces News a man pooped on Camry and then fled police causing an accident on a freeway in California. A flaming bag of poo set a Pennsylvania house ablaze! Then they got off track a little and started talking about life on an islandlette and sharks then Jaws then Jaws 4, then mom Brodey fighting the Jawseses and something about Batmans butler, and how the Jawseses are big then small then big again, then the shark horse then a cat vs 100 walking goldfish. Back to jaws. Jawseses 5, terror at the academy awards. Oh and Dom is getting onto Grinder. In Hollywood News, Kanye is mad about being seventh on MTV’s hottest MC list, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are getting divorced, the dude that played John Conor is going to jail on a probation violation, and Cuba Gooding Jr is lying to chicks in the most awesome way and getting then in the sack! I made that last part up but you know that it’s true. Then Ellis gave a caller tips for taking your chick to the strip club, basically if she’s not cool with it, leave her fun time killiin ass at home! And  Russel Crowe took a photo of a UFO, seems legit to me. Reminds me of the time I took erotic pictures of yer mum, she was in bikini bottoms, topless, on the beach. Everything was perfect until that stupid whale rescue team got there and pushed her back into the ocean, OH!9018520_600x338

Show Re-Cap for Friday 3/1/2013

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It’s the first day of March and in case you didn’t know, that means that manatees are dumb, but they’re cute, like women. And life is like getting fucked with open vagina wounds, I don’t know what that means but Forest was way off. Ellis talked about the time he and his brother went kayaking on a peaceful Australian morning, and as they were paddling through the majestic ocean, Ellis saw something. Was it a log? A giant whale turd? Maybe something more sinister lurked in the waters around them. They paddled closer and to their surprise it was a massive salt water crocodile! Being the brave and masculine guys they were, they turned tail and got the fuck out of there because even manly men don’t want to be eaten in the middle of the ocean. Intern, Anal Gay Lewis,

This is Kosher, right?

This is Kosher, right?

needs to shave, he’s starting to look like an Asian white trash baby Mike Vallely face. Cumtard is leaving… again, so he’s drinking… again. Ronda Rousey was asked to be in a movie, something about South Africa, and according to Jason’s screen saver he loves Creed, Hatebreed, and that dude from Hollywood Undead. Tully had kosher sushi which brought on the Jewish learning segment. Apparently Jews kill cows with kindness. And finger blasts. And hand jobs. Lucky Jewish cows, but unlucky Jewish butchers.

Canadians, am I right? Apparently the beady eyed mole people have been up to their schenannigans again. Kind of early though, I thought they were still hibernating, but this must mean that we can expect an early spring this year. Here is a video of old people singing in a Tim Hortons, that’s Canadian for Starbucks. And here’s a crazy Timmie’s waitress! That woman is crazy! Canadian scientists continue their ever important quest of developing shoes that are resistant to the ever hazardous surface of ice. And just as you thought that Canadians were all smiles and dancing, here’s an angry hockey dad to level things out. And finally a news woman demonstrates how her son uses her electric toothbrush for teething comfort. Just so you don’t think I’m racist to those frosty friends to the north, here’s some good old fashioned American Women AmI Right news. A Murican tumblr_lew5kfkWL51qdy1k6o1_400 (2) bitchnews woman shits herself over cat video. (She doesn’t really shit herself, but close). Some cunt is sentenced after the eleventh time she has falsely accused eleven dudes of rape in ten months, she also qualifies for Bitch Had It Coming News. A woman claimed she was kidnapped, raped, and had her baby stolen just to avoid telling her family that she had miscarriage. Another woman called because she got her hand stuck in her glove box, and another brilliant woman created a Peruvian man hunt after her son and his girlfriend didn’t respond to her Facebook messages. So there you go Canada, feel better?

Rawdog believes that folding clothes is useless and hes adopted the policy of, fuck folding! Which also explains his lack of vagina in his life. Kevin has a big secret, something that he doesn’t want anybody to know. But I have an inside source to spill the beans that he so well protects. This super secret life changing gossip about Kevin is that he smokes weed!!! Apparently Bieber has roid arms and poopie pants, but either way, that dude is still rollin in more snatch than you so don’t hate. Rodman is friends with Kim Jon Un and is droppin mad dunks on their basketball team. Morrissey is mad at Jimmy Kimmel for booking the Duck Dynasty guys at the same time. This outraged Morrisey because he is some tofu farting fairy who thinks animals are just good to look at. Good for Kimmel. Mark Burnett is making a ten part TV show of the bible with his wife, in case you were wondering what you won’t be watching.duck dynasty

Get the cock off your chest started slow, but then got better, then dropped right off after Cumtard’s genetics theory about the pretty people getting prettier and ugly people getting uglier, then brought back by a dude in Canada and one hell of a threesome story! Thanks Canada. Don’t tell Murica I said that. The guys left Kevin alone in the studio to take final calls on his second final day with the show. It was pretty typical, stupid callers. A lot of people rag on Kevin, often. But honestly  he is probably the best call screener, contestant, and punching bag that the show has yet to see. He is a great sport, good at what he does, and brings a different kind of humor to the show that Ellis, Tully, and Josh don’t provide. I personally hope he comes back, again. On behalf of NoYouAre and a vast majority of the EllisFam, we say goodbye Kevin, you will be missed.

cumtard_goodbye_2013

Show Re-cap For Friday 2/22/2013

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The man

The man, the myth, the Reed!

Happy margarita Chad Reed Day mother fuckers! Today is the day when we honor motocross champion Chad Reed. Chad Mark Reed was born 15 March 1982, in Kurri Kurri, Australia. He is a multi-time supercross and motocross champion, he was taught from a young age as being capable of competing at the sports most elite level. He has proven to be the most consistent supercross/motocross racer in the world. He has since ascended the international ranks of the sport to become Australia’s most successful motocross racer. He also has had sex numerous times with yer mum, and yer sister, and of he wanted to, he could fuck yer dad as well. Enough about Chad Reed, here’s a little news about you and how much you suck. Americans get the least days off or vacation than anyone in the world. That sucks until you realize that were not drinking out of a river and eating cow shit for dinner, those people would love to have a job. The guys read some Chad reed poems and as one would suspect, most of the listeners would like to have gay sex with Chad Reed, the ones that don’t are women and then it’s just regular sex. My favorite Chad Reed story is how this moto dude took a picture with Sir Reed and grabbed his junk and gently whispered in his ear, “this is only awkward if you make it awkward.”

A man in stress ball packing plant punched his boss and threatened his coworkers with a knife because no matter what you’re packing, work sucks. This brought on the topic of Josh’s stressful life and how difficult and exhausting it is constantly hunting for large

Women's sports have never looked better!

Women’s sports have never looked better!

areolas. In MMA news, there were a few fights the other day and King Mo got knocked out because he was being cocky and left his hands down, and Finkelstien won but during his celebratory romp he fell down. I would have a video of that for you but I can’t find it so here’s something else. Women in sports is okay if they can support their own, but not if they are swinging off the dicks of man sports. Rob Coddry came back into in studio today and he has six movies coming out this year! Mother fucker has been busy. It is now expected that all celebrity guests get measured on their punching power but before punching Rob warmed up with hurtful childhood insults, and after that they shared bad heroin memories. Somehow the conversation turned to Halle Berry, Halle Berry’s boobs, breast feeding, yer mums boobs, then yer mum boob feeding you at 13 with a raging boner. Oh yeah, Rob punch 58 after knocking over josh. Rob talked about when he worked with The Rock he never saw him or hung out or compared bicep measurements. Ellis thinks he can out box him but then he thought he can’t. Rob left us with a little advise, take vacations more often and try new drugs, enjoy your life and what you work for, but don’t trip too hard because that shit sucks!coolshit

There was a dead body in water tank at hotel, unfortunately it wasn’t Paris Hilton, it was just some runaway. Boring. Jared Fogle of subway apparently has some epic tweets and you should follow him immediately (@thejaredfogel). The boys then graced us with Chad Reed songs, including Will with his classic hit, Chad Reed. Phoenix Askani was also in the studio today after running here after getting a good railing on a staircase, thats right folks, she’s a porn star, so here is the summary of her interview. Bla bla bla sex bla bla bla porn bla bla bla lesbians bla bla bla follow me on twitter bla bla bla dicks. Then she also did the punch test and got a 44. I’m not sure where that ranks but who cares, I’m sure there will be a chart or graph or something later that we can all look at. Then Jason and Kevin did a vegemiteVegemite eating contest and Ellis won, surprise surprise. However Kevin had the best line of the day when he said it tasted like soy sauce and despair. There were a few final calls and then they did Cumtard’s love connection with Phoenix while he had to eat a stick of butter. Unfortunately he failed miserably. Somewhere between the comic book talk and consistent vomiting he couldn’t seem to pull his game together. This pissed off Josh and Will because she basically laid herself in Kevin’s hands. Then Rawdog tried, he fucked her. Then Kevin had a chance again but Rawdog cock blocked him and then fucked her again. Unfortunately Kevin did hot a home run with yer mum, turns out the consistent vomiting and butter breath was irresistible to her, OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 2/13/2013

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Can you dig it? can you dig it? CAN YOU DIG IT? No, but I can write it. Hey, word of advise when starting something, don’t blow your intro load too soon. That can fuck up your whole game and you can end up failing like a failing failure. For example, Chevy Chase, he has played the dick, the loser, and an ass. I don’t know how that’s an example but here’s wW9J9InM3gdZS6vcoJVQJo9pIVjanother example of something non related.  80’s movies that don’t hold up. But not haggard!  That shit is timeless, according to Ellis. Anthony Kiedis and Rick Ruben both cried over a bunch of kids crying over Justin Beiber in Justin’s movie. And if you want to see something else that won’t require a walk down the feminine hygiene isle you should see Romper Stomper. Turns out that Tully’s wife can fix stuff and he can’t, please insert Asian joke accordingly. Someone emailed the show with a movie idea that might actually be feasible  a  helicopter crash mock-u-mentry based on the survival instincts of the guys. Basically it would be the guys wandering around the desert while snacking on Donald Schultz. Ellis rediscovered that working out with music is way better than doing it without so now he is pumping iron to some head splitting rock like Fiona Apple.

DMX was arrested again for driving without a license, again. But this time we have a video clip of him describing incident. Katie is now rocking the web cam scene earning her keep fro Big Daddy Jace Cakes, her user name is UnderwearWolf, so I’m told. Some Fan Fiction was sent in by Tim and it was read by Tully, Kevin, and intern Will. There was a strange twist at the end and the rest of it was something that I’m still trying to dislodge from my images (2)mind. Well done. Unsigned Farts again today, they were mostly crappy, fuck the pun, but the last two were remixes and rather entertaining. Mayhem joined the guys in studio for farts and so much more. The topic soon turned to flying cars with Mayhem and Rawdog and how cool it would be never mind the thought that Rawdog AND Mayhem would be flying them too. Flying moto was also mentioned and quickly turned into an Ellis vs Josh and Mayhem fight. Seems Josh and Jason don’t understand that if the kikes can fly then the jumps would just be nothing and it would suck balls and nobody would care. This fight was diffused by caller who reminded us about Rawdog’s “Pantera like” song. The only thing would make this Panters like is if Dimebag played the keytar and all the rest of the band were Muppets with somebody’s hand up their ass. Rawdog’s new girl now his old girl as he now continues his quest to throw some digits in some bitches all over SoCal.rfpI10X

Upon return the guys brought back an original favorite, Monkey Business! News about monkeys and the crazy evil shit they do. Some cruise in the Gulf of Mexico got stranded and all the toilets got backed up from the people too stuck up or stupid to hang their fish feeder off the side now labeling this as the Shit Cruise, creative name, I know. Corey Taylor of Stone Sour and Slipknot and every other fucking band in music was in studio today talking about all his bands, him not drinking because he wasn’t very productive and now being too productive. Mayhem brought up getting butt fisted while stage diving, and Corey shared a Lemmy stories about a joke about fisting grandmas ass. Slipknot cereal almost existed, and Jason played Corey the Slipknot Cereal that the Jingleberries made and now Corey wants to put it on his Facebook page, that’s fucking metal!

They came back with Unsigned Bands with special guest, Corey Taylor. Here’s what i got:

Two Weeks, sucked
No Class Assasins, sucked again
Jeremiah’s Kind, bad, just simply bad
Funk-tion, not funky not tion but not the worst
The Honey Shakers, this better be a homeless dude on the subway
Everybody Run, mayhem liked it for what it’s worth
Texas City Bombers, recorded on a tape recorded in a garage while the street is being demolished, I liked it on a comedy level
Seven Dirty Words, not bad, didn’t make my ears hurt
Haunted By Heros, supposed to be 12 year olds but everyone is calling bullshit
I’m not sure who the last band was but Corey sang and made it a hit, but the band probably sucked anyway, they should just get this audio on loop and jack off in a corner because that’s the best that they will ever be

Check out Corey Taylor in a city near you, unless your some hillbilly that lives in the middle of butt fuck Egypt then your just screwed. images (1)

We returned with Ellis complaining about “an explosion of female phone drama.” I’m sure we will find out whats going on in the near future. This led into Cock News where we learned about a red white and blue slug that has disposable penises, Murica, Fuck Yeah! Oh, and Steve Martin is having a baby, congratulations to his old and saggy balls. Then there was Final Calls where a dude called about his dead parents because they were as old as shit when he was born and he was cool with it and possibly normal. Can Ellis and mayhem kill dude with a knife or sword? Fuck yeah they can, all Kung-fu like and shit. Then we were briefly gifted with Mayhem’s view on wrestling being banned from the Olympics, he thinks it’s bullshit. Burbank Dave is getting extra creepy on web cam, no surprise  We enjoyed deep thoughts with Steve, the former bomb tech, and Dip, the truck driver. And finally the boys got a few Bless Your Hearts to Tim or Tom, the previous caller, Mayhem, Wills ass, Cumtard, Rawdog, Tully, and Ellis’s head tattoo. Unfortunately the caller got cut off before he could bless yer Mum, because he so does love slappin that back fat as he rides the cellulite carriage to smash town, OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 2/8/2013

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Time to take a ride on the Dick Ambulance, innn outtt innn outtt. It was funnier when Ellis did it. Ellis is back and on pain meds for his back and today he said it hurts when he looks down, but being the champion that he is he came in today to entertain our asses. He said that he is felling old, not because of his back but because of the young girls that were in the studio yesterday. He thinks that they were too young for him and that it would be creepy. Rawdog then explained the “half your age plus seven” rule. That’s where you divide your age by two, add tufseven  then ask for her ID and if she’s over 18 then your in the clear. Then Ells talked about the TUF knock out because he finally got to see it on TV. They talked about getting switched off and how its bad but Ellis used to see his skate buddies do it all the time. The conversation turned to fighting people and if it’s ever worth it even if your fighting for girl. The general thought was that it’s not good and fighting for honor is just stupid. Ellis said that there will be no final calls because the callers suck and it’s all the same bull shit over and over. They talked about home protection and what is best to keep near in case of an intruder. Other than a gun I think the general consensus is a bat. Tully showed Kevin how he need to answer the phones now and I think that he is the best call screener ever, just as long as I’m not trying to call. The dude is cutthroat and like a dude on Twitter said, Burbank Dave is fucked now.

This is the hour that I missed and then relistened to after an alleged many beers so the following may not be completely accurate  A woman has lots of cats and licks them, cue the pussy licking jokes. There were more unsigned farts played and something about Megan Fox but I’m not too sure what. Some actors have odd OCD like habits, for example Olivia Mund pulls her eyelashes out when she’s nervous and Michael J Fox gets jittery when he is happy, or sad, or sleeping. Homeless people smell like they shit and don’t shower, who knew. Tully said he’d kick the priests ass and yell hail Satan or something then Kevin chimed in with Asian retard story about inappropriate smiling. And there’s a lot of fucked up people on twitter, surprise surprise. One dude thinks about his buddy’s junk then Ellis ended this hour by pounded a monster.

foxshakeyc7Ellis thinks it would be funny to ask random people on the street about their STDs. A woman got caught with three different kinds of drugs in her vagina. Then somehow the conversation progressed into Tully’s love boat of slaves and whores. tully love boatSounds pretty awesome because after a while they will start to like being there and making waves with the motion of the ocean. Rawdog doesn’t think he could live anywhere but in a city. If Rawdog woke up one morning and he was black the first thing he would do is call his family to let them know. Then he would go to McDonald’s and order his usual chicken nuggets with a side of expected racism. Ellis would listen to the blues because that’s what all black Australian skate boarders do. Tully then proceeded to explain why the Blues suck and that nobody really listen’s to the Blues even though you might like it once and a while, like a thumb in your bum.mcfist mcribs mcdonalds ronald mcdonald motivational osters online funny

Get The Clit Off Your Box was just one chick whose boyfriend pushes her head down on his dick and holds her nose closed so she can’t breathe and chokes on his dick. This dude shouldn’t be allowed to have a dick of he can’t treat those that service it with a little respect. And she also caught him sniffing her panties in a neon green thong. On behalf of men everywhere, this dude is out of the club. In images (1)Hollywood news the new Sports Illustrated cover was leaked and nobody gave a shit. Adam Levine made anti cologne that smells like a homeless man who shit himself and made a hand puppet out of it. Something about Bruce Willis promoting Die Hard 5 while a little wasted, RedDragons to him. Star Wars, bla bla, bla, more Hollywood news and who gives a fuck, it’s Friday. Oh yeah, Lohan.

Final calls allegedly happened, kinda. There were much better calls but way less of them. Even there weren’t many calls they were still informative. We learned that if you work in service industry you have to be pleasant but you don’t have to eat goat, and being on point no matter what happened to your pup after a coyote eating, Jesus cross and dead guys on your neck. (note: I was very drunk at this point and I’m not sure what this meant but it was in my notes so I shall share it with you). The one thing that I am sure about is that yer mum was very drunk too, so drunk that she got arrested for public indecency after wearing short shorts in public, OH!