Did you know it is Wednesday? No, seriously, it is! And as soon as the fucking show starts, that’s when people need to come in my office and talk and call my phone – so missed the very start. Ellis has sick voice. Tully’s kid took mad dick pics of his dad. Missed more show because now someone wants to come to my office with a fucking “boo hoo, poor me” story. What the fuck is this shit? GO AWAY! Continue reading
Happy Thursday to all you beautiful people, and hello to the rest of you ugly fucks. Sirius has gifted us today by completely rebuilding their app with a completely new design. So far most people don’t like it, I’m one of them but I’m figuring to out but we will all have to give it time to see if it works better or if it’s just a bit of lipstick on a pigs butthole. Continue reading
This hills are alive with the sound of…
It’s another Monday, and some of you wouldn’t mind having sex with robots, and some chicks will fuck fat dudes, but not if you show them the fat first. Dingo and Ellis’ friendship has been taken to another level after this weekend, and apparently Dings has a killer pad. Intern Anal Gay-Lewis took Ellis’ advice and got rid of the crooked / aspiring pedophile mustache he was rocking, but he still looks weird because he has a weird head. The guys are thinking of Voltron’ing together to create a single mega-comedian, Laughtron. They could also split apart to be separate comedians, but together they’d be unstoppable with jokes about aspiring pedophiles and people in the audience with pictures of their kids. Ellis saved a gay dude from getting raped by another gay dude that was blue-balling the other gay dude’s drugged up butt. Even though he wanted to kill Mr. Gay Molestor Dude (HOMOcide, get it?), he thwarted off the dude and called the cops, all that happened the same night he went to see The Used, via Bert McCracken – whose wife listens to the show and turned Bert on to it. There was some talk about school. School in Australia, US, France, etc. I’m with Ellis on this one, I hated school and I hate even having to walk through them to this day. Somehow the conversation went from schools to the nearly non-existent middle class in America and Mexican’s taking jobs. All that collection of randomness in the first hour of the show, damn!
Fuck yeah, bath salts, so tite!
Good news, scientists have cured a baby with HIV by giving it a cocktail of shots within 30 hours of it’s birth – suck on that Africa. Supercross in St. Louis this weekend, Ryan Villopoto won the 450 class, and that’s MMA news, no wait… That’s Rawdog’s MMA news, in real MMA news, Mark Hunt knocked out Stefan Struve, and Wanderlei Silva knocked out Brian Stann in a super exciting Don Frye-esque fight. And in other MMA news, Katie got paid today and announced a purchase of shaving cream and a bunch of toys, not toys for children, but for adult holes – if you catch my drift. Why would the words “Blink 182 is gnarly” come out of Ellis’ mouth? Because of the drummer, you know, that dude that plays the drums. The next Death! Death! Die! album is working up to be a massive double disc set, as much music as can fit on a cd – plus a DVD of Big Fucking Mega Boat. Probably not out in time to be paired with the double disc release, is the Death! Death! Die! lunch box. A woman tried out to be the first female NFL kicker ever, she didn’t make the cut after missing her 15-20 yard kick – an old injury seemed to be holding her back. New TJES producer was introduced today, Domonick “Dom” DeLuise (@TheHippieDom) – whose been in radio for about 7 years and has luscious locks like Dingo, just not as long. He’s part Mexican, part Indian, part Italian, he eats meat and “froyo” (aka frozen yogurt), which might be a good nickname for him on the show. He speaks well, like he might be smart, so this could hopefully turn out to be a very good match.
You may not like Hollywood news, but you can appreciate some fine art.
Bad news, JCPenny seems to be losing the battle with Macy’s so your catalogs of department store jerk-off material may be dwindling even more. Who was the dumbest person/s on TJES so far? Stupid Tits? Aaron Lewis? Porn stars? Probably porn stars. This led us into the segment, You Sir Are A Moron, band edition. There was a lot of back and forth here, too much to keep up with so I’m just going to pretend we all know exactly what each person voted and who was more of a moron, sir. Hollywood news times, at 2:05 AM, Justin Bieber tweeted, “Worst birthday ever” – because part of his entourage was too young to be let into the club. HAHAFUCKINGHA! But wait, Bieber said that was bullshit, he didn’t try to bring underage people into the club, he said he walked in – it was lame – so he left. OMG! You guys… I sooooo… don’t give a shit. TMZ says Benji Madden has a dream pad. Jay Leno’s days may be numbered and Shia LaBeouf was boxing at a gym or some shit. Brendan Fraser has some seriously major expenses, saying he’s losing $87k per month, while Drake unloaded a cardboard box containing $50k at a strip club. And some Aussie billionaire plans on building a replica of the Titanic, yes, the unsinkable ship that um, sank. Fuck. That. Shit.
British porn.
Revisiting moto news, Will was called in for his opinion as he watched his first motocross this weekend. Predictably, he didn’t have anything to say, which spurred Ellis and Tully to rag on him for a bit until angry Will finally revealed himself and told them to fuck off. One is left to assume Will is missing his tickle partner and is having a hard time adjusting. That brought us to final calls, some lazy chick called in to say she doesn’t like working, which stunned all of us other working class dickheads. A dude called in about this chick that wanted to “eat him out” and it was awkward because she told him to get on all fours, he was scared and didn’t take the bung tongue surprise. That and he thought about her licking another guys asshole and now he’s been making out with her, therefore by proxy, eating another dude’s asshole. Another dude called in to say he signed his kid up for wrasslin’ and wondered if maybe something would be better, because he wants to wear his ass out so he doesn’t bother daddy anymore. Some dude wondered if Ellis ever smoked out of a human skull before, because his dad did Vietnam and swore it got him higher or some bullshit. Clearly that dude’s dad has never smoked out of your mom’s asshole. Because that shit is like smoking a joint rolled by Jesus and licked shut by your little sister’s pussy lips. OH!
Snookie dropped a deuce?
It’s another Monday, and holy shit balls, Ellis got the outline done for his hair club for wolf men tattoo! That’s fuggin gnarly nuts. Rawdog thinks it might be a bit of a rash decision, even though Ellis has been talking about it for several weeks. It’s just such a massive thing to do and is shocking, so that might be where people are questioning the decision. But, hey, Ellis is alright – don’t worry about it, it’s not your head. Carey Hart hooked the Ellis family up big time, Tiggy got to sit on Carey’s motorcycle and get his picture taken, Devin got to take a massive dump in Carey’s personal bathroom, and Carey’s chiropractor popped Ellis’ back and fixed his shit – then they all got the fuck outta there. Will Rawdog be creating a “Rawdog’s Puffy Nipple Corner” on the EllisMania.com website? Will Tully and Ellis become pimps?
He was doing the Harlem Shake before it was cool.
Hey, did you see the Grammys? Yeah, me either. So fuck that shit. Oh, and Rawdog serenaded us with some of the songs played, the beautifully nasal renditions brought a tear to listener’s eyes. Grammy talk went on for about 45 minutes or so, there’s not much more to say about it. The ex-drummer of Korn was arrested for driving under the influence of a sleeping pill, that’s pretty stupid. Sad reptile news, the world’s largest captive crocodile who was more than 50 years old, died from chronic diarrhea – now that’s some bullshit! Tully revealed that when he was kid playing ColecoVision, he gave the TV the finger and his mom saw him do it. Dun-dun-dun! Later that night while he was taking a bath, he washed his own mouth out with soap, like a good Christ fearing child may tend to do. Rawdog’s getting buff and busted out 40 halftime push-ups today, giving the guys a free look at what it looks like while he’s taking control and pumping a chick.
Don’t be gay! Rape little kids instead, because, it’s um… not gay.
More unsigned burps and farts came up today, and of course the Burbank Dave fart came into question, they could tell it was edited together – but it was still good none the less. Cumtard had a couple loving unsigned farts as he was walking home with Will Pendarvis, OMG guys, it was so cute! That lead us into a game by Cumtard, clips of Stupid Tits (former intern) describing things and the guys have to guess what the hell he’s talking about. As you can imagine, his descriptions were on par with his impressions, which means they’re pretty much worthless and the shit that comes out of his mouth can only be understood by him and him alone. The Pope resigned, the first to do so in over 600 years, everyone’s speculating that he’s pulling out due to all the sex scandals revolving around the Church. Some Ellis listener foiled a fucking bank robbery and got sent to the prize chamber for his efforts. Red Dragons! There was some Hollywood news, but I was driving home at the time and didn’t care to take notes. Then talk about selling out, what it entails, would you do it, etc. But maybe more importantly, what does two grains of rice in the sink mean? A Somalian has been up all night vomiting. OH!
So Cullen put together another nice Best of, but that was yesterday. Today is live bitches!!! Yeah so Ellismate’s been sick the past couple of days, he just didn’t want to get Tully and Rawdog sick, I mean fuck Will right? On top of being sick, the Wing also dropped his new iPhone 5 in the pool, Tiggy’s sick too and saying ‘Hell Yeah’, and that of course means the ex ain’t to happy either. But all us fans is happy we got us a live show today, and that we got to hear DavidLeeRothtallica today, stemming from this vocal only track of ol’ Diamond Dave doing Running With The Devil. Ok I was kidding, who gives a fuck about him, back to the show. Tully says Linsanity is officially smarter than a dog while Rawdog has still been going to the gym and says his pecks feel firm, wanna touch? Burger Ellis has been pissing everywhere and eating carpet, yup! And your boy Young Wing not only had a credit card cancelled for some bullshit reason, but he also had to hear some moronic callers swearing you can put a cut onion in a room with you, and it will suck up the aids and gay in the air. Grandma also says you can cut up potatoes and put them in a sock, rock your little potato necklace, and get mad bitches but no herpes. This same tactic is often used by Kayne West, who was caught on tape being a douche bag while Samuel Jackson and Spike Lee were being bigger douche bags, its about 30 seconds in. Oh, and Jay-Z hugged Tully this one time, thats about it.
Why You Don’t Beat It On XMas Day!
So what will Rawdog buy Tully and Ellis with his Trust Fund, which is due at age 35? Nothing, he’s Jewish, OH! Just kidding, but seriously the Jingleberries are some bitches (That we love and respect!) for retracting on Rawdog’s shitty beard as man-boy-ly as it may be. Pornhub.com is full of bitches, doing some really cool shit too, and they say these are the 11 days of the year that we ain’t jerking it…using a computer! So remember that special guest Ellis was referring to last week? Yeah well it wasn’t Stupid Tits who was back on the show to preform his infamous impressions. If you’ve never heard of Stupid Tits, he’s a former intern who’s metal as fuck, and if you’ve never heard him do an impression, well you must go back and check this out. Spot on Mitt Romney, Jackie Chan, Jenny Lopez ass and all, James Bond and not the shitty David Craig one either! This dude sent chills down our spines with the likes of Hulk Hogan, Batman while chowing Catwoman’s carnival, Dracula chowing whoevers beave, and of course Rawdog who is the king of eating pussy as we all know. Some hilarious shit here to hear, and a Stupid Tits side note, he’s no longer in All Gods Kill but instead front man for Lazarus Casket, check him out!
Metal As Fuck
So remember that special guest Ellis was referring to last week? Yeah well it was former Metallica bassist, and current shredding ledge, Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Jason Newsted. Honest opinion folks, fucking bad ass interview here and worth every minute of your time. Ellis and Newsted just flipped it back and forth…12 years tomorrow when Newsted left Metallica….Newsted’s proud of Ellis for that shark heart eating incident….no shooting elk at Newsted’s place…Newsted eats left overs….yeah don’t let that last one throw ya, good radio here. Oh, and of course, Unsigned Bands! But this wasn’t any ordinary Unsigned Bands, no this time we had actual advice and help and shit, it was weird! Just a few that we heard from, ‘Teleport’ with that micro penis dude from Vermont, ‘The Wad’ from Puerto Rico or there abouts, ‘Young General’ who’s lawyer sent in the tape, ‘Rusty Hook‘ who’s not that bad, and legends in the unsigned bands game ‘Cuddle Crew‘. Jason Newsted really gave some legitimate advice to these fuckers, and one last band of note, Death!Death!Die!. Yeah Tully slipped in “Pain of Time”, and Jason Newsted gave it honest review, and yes Shoebox the vocals are too low! He did justify why it was low, had to be for the guitar or some nerdy shit good reason. He also said the singer was pretty good, and the dude on keyboards fucking killed it. Be sure to check out the “Metal” EP and NewstedHeavyMetal.com.
#FuckTullyHellYeah
Obama said fuck you to Star Wars! Donald Schultz says fuck you to the blicks, but thats in a best of somewhere. Today was live, and so were the animals Schultz brought in for Ellis ‘Snake Box’ he’s been envisioning. Schultz and his boy Mark, from The Reptile Outlet who came in to help, say a big snake isn’t ideal for this box as they’re too hard to care for. Nah Mate, how about this “friendly spider”? Its a huge tarantula, with 1/2″ fangs which suck out the insides of beetles like slurpee’s. Well picture that in a tank, hanging from the ceiling, with webs inside of skulls and shit, just starring at you with those straws for teeth, and tell me its friendly. Seriously though this thing doesn’t bite humans, just insects and male spiders, fucks them up bad like! No name for our furry friend yet, but its sounds like she will be a huge part of the show to come. I do however have a name for our furry friend who also is huge, and can suck the cum out of anyone with her straw like fangs, its Your Mom, OH!