Did you know it is Wednesday? No, seriously, it is! And as soon as the fucking show starts, that’s when people need to come in my office and talk and call my phone – so missed the very start. Ellis has sick voice. Tully’s kid took mad dick pics of his dad. Missed more show because now someone wants to come to my office with a fucking “boo hoo, poor me” story. What the fuck is this shit? GO AWAY! They’re talking about haunted houses, but I’m not sure why, though Andrew is naturally the person to have this discussion with. Some Vince guy called in, he wants to be the ring announcer at EllisMania 11 – he gave a quick audition of his skills to the guys, he actually wasn’t that bad at all. Dingo solemnly walked into the studio unannounced, leaving Ellis & Tully to question what he’s doing. Turns out one of Dingo’s friends was supposed to call in the show on Monday but couldn’t, said friend is supposed to call in today, so Dingo is here to hang out until that call happens. The Hard Rock loves EllisMania and Ellis brings people there, and while they are there, the people spend money and Hard Rock likes that too. Go figure. Dingo caught some 40-year-old guy crying because he didn’t get an announcing job. Awkward. Dingo is ready to fight Rick Thorne. Dingo says he may not be able to fight so well, but he can take a punch.
StupidTits is there, his pubes match his beard – meaning his pubes are big and burly. There was a DUI checkpoint setup, except it wasn’t setup by the cops. It was setup by a 19-year-old and he was stopping vehicles & checking people. The cops pulled up, he handed a b-b gun to one of the people he was giving a sobriety test to and said “I can’t get caught with this.” The cops talked to the kid and turns out, he was drunk. The cops let him off with a warning. Anyways, StupidTits is there to record some show intros while using the speech jammer. He did his normal, top notch, super high quality job and then it was Tully’s turn. He busted out a quick one and then StupidTits was to do the same intro, but in StupidTits fashion. He kept getting fed lines and working his StupidTits magic on them. He’s getting to the point where he may be too good at this. Yup. He is. It started falling off, the guys could tell and then it was break time.
GST tax, man. THEY JUST ADDED IT while people were asleep and then everyone was all like, “GST see ya later, bitches!” This has something to do with bleeding into your pants and tampons and/or maxi pads, but I’m not sure what. See a theme here? I keep missing pieces of the show. Sounds like health related things are exempt from the tax. Things like lube and condoms and shit. But woman bleeding pads? Not exempt. Better wring that shit out ladies, unless you’re cool with getting a sir charge for bleeding out of your box. Remember when people couldn’t guess movie titles unless Ellis actually said the title of the movie? Now it’s time to guess which Australian news stories are real and which are fake. Callers at the ready. Some callers were correct and won shit from the prize chamber, some callers were not correct and therefore won not a damn thing. More importantly, Tully is having a blast at the expense of callers and Australia in general, proving he hates Australians just as much as Canadians. A dingo really did eat that one woman’s baby. Allegedly. Sounds like Hollywood is making a piece of shit that won’t even see the light of day, it’s a remake – sorta – of Fight Club. Instead (here’s the twist), it’s with women and it’s called “Fight Valley”? Seriously? What. The. Fuck. Work interruption. Back, they’re talking about Tallywackers, a Hooters type restaurant but with dudes in undies. The boys are getting on a plane to Austin after the show today, unfortunately, I don’t think THC will be making any appearances on the show Thursday or Friday.
Since Ellis will be staying in a haunted hotel during his visit to Texas, it was time to field some calls from listeners who have had experiences with the paranormal. Only real calls were taken, none of that fake business. People had stories about hot chicks that they refused to talk to, orbs of light, Large Marge, floating wad socks, you know – the standard stuff. I didn’t call in, but I want to tell you my ghost story. It was 3AM, I was walking home from my then girlfriends house, and I kept hearing footsteps behind me. I would stop, turn around and look, nothing was there. As soon as I start walking again, so do the footsteps I heard. I stop to look around, it stops. It keeps going like this for about a mile and now I can start hearing faint whispers but can’t quite make out what is being said. Still, every time I turn to look, both the footsteps and the whispering stop. This goes on for another mile or so, footsteps and whispers. Now the whispering is growing louder though. I can almost make out what was being said, but not quite. It sounds oddly familiar. By this time I’m pretty freaked out and am walking like one of those women who furiously pump their arms while walking as fast as they can without breaking into a full sprint. The footsteps keep up with my brisk pace. The whispering has turned to a muffled voice, but I still can’t quite make out exactly what it was saying. And then suddenly, and quite loudly, I heard the voice – this time very clear – I could make out exactly what was being said. Turns out, the footsteps were just echos of my own footsteps. And the voice, what was it saying? “You know you’re a true Outback fan when you think great coverage is crispy bacon wrapped around a filet on our mixed grill with sweet shrimp and sauteed scallops. To you, cutting up the middle means slicing into our Outback Special Sirloin, 17 spices, big, bold flavor seared in. Great picks starting at $9.99 for a limited time. Go-go-go! Crave on!” Yea, I was walking past an Outback Steakhouse and their TVs were loud enough to hear outside. And then I punched myself in the dick. SPOOKY!