Tag Archives: Rawdog

Show Re-Cap for Monday 4/15/2013

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postcard

Allow me to play you the song of my people!

Until now, you have remained safe. Until now, you have remained untouched. We give you, the opportunity, to feed your obsession. NYA! Ellis thinks Quentin Tarantino is a fat old lady and over-rated, Cha-Chingo Unchained (or Jango & Change as Dingo calls it) was shit, and the movie Lincoln sucked. Apparently Dingo got to watch Apollo 13 in school and nobody really knows why, or if he was even really in school, or what kind of product he uses in those luscious locks of his. There was something about gluten, Judd Apatow, and some mother trying to control the world. I have no idea what they were talking about, neither did Tully and I’m guessing neither did you. Maybe it was something about Gwyneth Paltrow? Or that Mexican maid on Family Guy? I don’t know. Rawdoggie-poo got a gift from his Nana, he gets tickets to a music festival in Chicago. There was a ton of movie talk that literally went all over the place. We did find out that Rawdog pretty much hates Ben Affleck, except in Dazed ‘n Confused, and we also learned he didn’t see Good Will Hunting because he thought it looked dumb. You just know he was like, “Big deal, a janitor can do math? I’m smarter than that!” Katie’s birthday present was two nights at a hotel with room service and shitload of movie watching, hence all the movie talk. EllisMania 9 is back on, it is scheduled for October 13th and Katie will be fighting Rawdog. However, all that was overshadowed by the news of explosions near the finish line at the Boston Marathon.

swag

Fuck Dom’s shirt, I got that swag!

Some cop got all over zealous on a German tourist and said some dumb shit. Miesha Tate had her face fucked up by Cat Zingano, but everyone seems to agree that the fight was stopped too soon, but we’re also talking about a woman referee here so, yeah. Uriah Hall lost his fight, which kind of surprised quite a few people, after watching him put everyone he fought in a BAMbulance. Urijah Faber won his fight, but does anyone really give a shit – I mean besides that butt-chin of his? Ellis farted in front of Katie this weekend, a conscious fart, not a fart in his sleep. Tully’s never had a big farting issue at home, but he has started to try and curb the extreme burping. Dingo and his girlfriend both fart in front of each other, and they’re okay with that. Chicks shit – it’s true, and this spurred at least one caller whose chick pinched a loaf, took a picture, and named it – and that’s pretty fucking disgusting. Another dude walked in on his girlfriend taking a shit and heard it plop in the water – and that’s pretty fucking disgusting as well. Anybody catch moto over the weekend? Me neither. You can bet someone is fast while the others are slow, though. Dom “Lil’ Bane” the producer’s birthday was this weekend as well, he spent his 30th birthday all by his lonesome. Apparently he’s all dressed up today, trying to look like Jude, but instead looking more like Lewis Skolnick. Rawdog said he shirt is classy and is backing his style, so that right there tells you all you need to know. Dom says that he’s constantly working, even when he’s watching TV – and oddly enough, he doesn’t even own a TV.

katy_perry

Hollywood news does not come from your pussy.

Hollywood news time. Comedian Kevin Hart was arrested for DUI. And if you’re like me, you’re saying “who”? If you’re like Ellis, you’re saying, “Carey Hart’s mom”? This little bit of totally not news was milked for what seemed like, and was close to, 30 minutes. Justin Bieber visited Anne Frank’s house and wrote in the guestbook: “Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.” That Bieber kid, what a cunt. Lauryn Hill didn’t file taxes in 2005, 2006, and 2007, claiming that she “withdrew from society at large due to what she perceived as manipulation and very real threats to herself and her family.” Also, she’s looking like shit these days. Jada Pinkett Smith clarified her “open marriage” to Will Smith remark by saying that each of them can do whatever they want because they trust each other. So, yeah. Sounds like they can still fuck whoever. Hugh Jackman was shaken after a stalker threw an electric razor filled with her pubes at him, guess that crazy bitch thought Wolverine could use some more facial hair? Chi Cheng, bassist of the Deftones died 5 years after a car crash left him in a coma. And Clint Eastwood went to Coachella, which makes it officially the stupidest music festival of all.

In “My insane logic knows no bounds” news, Rawdog refuses to admit that Black Sabbath is better than Neutral Milk Hotel. Hey, wanna know how best to survive a nuclear bomb exploding? First, you wanna not be any where near that motherfucker. Second, you think you’re far enough away, but no, go further man. Third, don’t look at it. And fourth, curl up in a ball and await to be vaporized or grow an eyeball on your taint. And this is where my computer decided to take a shit and so far never come back. Lucky for you, I have an awesome phone to finish this fucking thing. And luck for your mom that I finished in her mouth instead of on her tits, because that open wound on her titty from her abscess probably would’ve made things that much worse. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 4/11/13

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Rape Dragons!

                      Rape Dragons!

You’d think today was like any other Thursday, but nah mate you are, and things were a bit off today.  The romper stomper intro just wasn’t doing it for ol’ Ellismate.  No Rawdog today, still got the jew aids, which Ellis thinks he may be getting too which sucks Will’s toe.  Just weird was all, but not a sign of loosing it by any means.  But what if Ellis or Tully lost it, and not just their radio goldness, but their overall shit?  Tully plans to have a trusted few to which he can ask just that, and if they all agree he’s off his rocker, then it must be true.  Of course we all remember Ellis retirement plan…..Heroin n XBox.  But again like I said, they haven’t lost a thing – straight into yesterday’s truck pulling Tully proposition.  Seems Will is a fucking hater from way back concerned Tully may hit a stick along his path to certain death.  But as Ellis reminded Will, it was JizzCult that let the show Tug-O-War a MMA fighter which is extreme!  Tully reminded Jizz that Ellis knows the safe word so shit’s cool.  None the less Ellis found the ‘Chinese Loophole’, not to be confused with the ‘Russian Corkscrew’, which was just to film it and put it on Ellismania and Bob’s Your Uncle!  So is Will Pendarvis III a giant pussy or does his alleged wrestling of alligators at the tender age of 8 mean anything to you?  How about Rape Dragon, does that ring a bell?  If no, well thank Barry cause it’s just some shit from the show you don’t need to worry about for now, moving on….Tully gave us a sneak peek at a new Death!Death!Die! track that Bert McCracken laid some vocals down for which were similar to let’s say Axl Rose forgetting to use an over mitt, it was fucking awesome!

 

 

Dom says men who see this, want this!

Dom says men who see this, want this!

If you haven’t heard the producer Dom yet, man you really don’t catch much of the show huh.  Well turns out ol’ herpes stoke face has been pitching like 50 bits a day to Ellis N Tully and using no discretion at all, kinda like us #EllisFam and twitter, OH!  While doing his best to entertain us with penis enhancement, and all because of David Beckham’s junk, Ellis figured out why Dom sucks so fucking much, its his voice.  If he had a Bane mask, then he could be hilarious and overcome the material.  Tully, being all Oxford and what not, devised a sweet Bane starter kit, with the kung fu grip, and Lil’ Bane was born.  But Dom doesn’t have the deepest of voices, and apparently when he tries to make his voice deeper, he also quiets it.  Also turns out Dom is very RawDog-esc, having troubles rolling his R’s as just one example.  But with the Lil’ Bane starter kit, and his new found New York Caribbean voice, our new producer is tolerable to say the least.  After all that laughter, nothing but MMA news for dat ass!  Dana White tweeted something about the Ultimate Fighter Challenge which is Saturday, April 13th at 9:00pm on FX I’m pretty sure but you’ll see it.  Also don’t forget UFC Fox 8 coming to well Fox I guess pretty soon too.  Ronda Rousey says Fallon Fox ain’t cutting it, OH!  Ok I’ll stop with the OH’s for now, but come on that was super cheesy and yes I punched myself in the dick.  From there it was nothing but talk about  how Frankie Edgar’s name is hard to remember and that he use to not cut weight, and how cutting weight’s for pussies.  How one day Rawdog will just have a daily Dork Fuck Fest for a good 5 years as Tully see’s it.  And don’t forget the immortal words of Mayhem Miller, “Posture Mate, Posture Mate”, which luckily were no help to Tony Gianopoulos Jr.

 

 

Today's show is brought to you by....

Today’s show is brought to you by….

Did you hear about the guy who walked into Home Depot, cut his arms off, and holy shit dude cut his fucking arms off?  The good news is he’s got them pretty much sold to Danzig who will be touring with 4 arms, and well that’s it just 4 arms, kinda cool.  Eden Alexander is pretty fucking cool too, been in over 75 porn films, kicks dudes in the balls, and tomorrow’s her birthday!  She came by the show today cause she’s fucking hot so why not, and to play a game.  Before that, check this shit out, Stage 5 Squirter is who were dealing with here folks.  She’s a Power Squirter and can control that shit.  She’s able to build it up, which is increased by fucking a lot, and can shoot it about 14 feet in distance, Pink Dragons to you my friend.  So would Dom trade the verbal abuse he constantly deals with in exchange for spankings from Eden? “Not Really” was the answer I “Swearsed” I heard.  All good though, cause we gonna play us some Medium Sized Dick Karaoke, cause its funny and since the big cock was missing.  But what you don’t know is the medium sized cock can also shoot a load whenever you’d like.  And what you also don’t know if Dom, or someone, didn’t check to see it fit the belt they have, of course it doesn’t.  No worries, while Dom Lil’ Bane holds his medium sized cock, Anal Gay has to hold Lil’ Bane’s mask all dutch rudder like n all.  Paradise City was the song and Eden was on the cock mic cock-mic, Lil’ Bane was on the….shit you get the idea.  Eden did a pretty damn good job as Lil’ Bane creepily had his way with her face.  Not to worry though, Eden got her revenge by spanking Lil’ Bane for a good 20 spanks.  Pound for Pound a lot of fun but I guess you had to be there.

 

 

Great Defense!

     Great Defense!

We heard some new old rejoins, one of which had never been played before, so suck it!  Remember that whole MMA cutting weight shit I kinda skimmed over, well Ellis has a friend who says there is a limit to how much weight fighters can gain back after they’ve weighted in, but again that’s for pussies.  Real man would weight in after dominating a hot dog eating contest.  And stretching, fuck that, put Jack Daniels in my water bottle n come n get you some!  Hollywood News and Jay-Z told Obama to come get him some, well not really but he did rap back to the Cuba trip talk n all, check it out.  Flavor Flav is headed to court for chasing or being chased with a butcher knife or some shit if your interested.  Gwyneth Paltrow has some book out about eating so healthy it becomes unhealthy but you gotta go look that one up yourself.  Turns out Justin Bieber is in Hollywood News today go figure, but he is NOT the #1 followed person on Twitter, not after you take out his 50% of fake followers, and there are other famous people maybe guilty of the same thing?  And if you ain’t heard it all, this is why – Black Sabbath, who’s releasing a new album, decided to get the word out on an episode of CSI, yup!  Then Ellis got a little off subject, and Tully rather than guide him back opted to join in….Yao Ming could beat up Kareem Abdul-Jabar….Kevin Garnett has a little head and is friends with Jerry Stackhouse….Juwan Howard….Luc Longley bangs mad hoe’s…..The entire ’96 Bulls team sucks balls and tea bags Phil Jackson.   Glad that’s over, now back to the #EvilEnvelope talks from yesterday, which is just an envelope of punishments for when you fuck up.  Ellis n Tully read a few of the ideas from today, which were wearing ‘Juicy’ pants for a show, calling someone’s mom and askign her out, picking a cup and drinking it from water, toilet water, your pee!  There were tons more, that were just good laughs for us all, and I also think they took a few ideas they didn’t mention as well.  All in all a pretty good job Ellis Fam, but still not as good as that one time we all took turns sitting in a car full of bee’s, getting out and having your grandma squirt all over us to soothe the burn and hydrate us back to health, OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 4/8/2013

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youve-reached-team-bring-itWooo-weee! It’s Monday and I’m tired’er than a motherfucker at a mom fucker’s convention. That makes sense somehow, but probably isn’t all that funny. I don’t give a motherfuck, like a mother whose not getting fucked at a convention. Oh, I should also mention for those of you reading a bedtime story to your children, you probably shouldn’t read the rest of this to them. I could potentially use some language that you do not find appropriate for them. Okay, did you lock those little shits in their cages? Good, lets proceed. Dingo Monday’s started off with him shouting out Team Bring It and opening 2 motherfucking waters. He said he didn’t open 2 motherfucking waters, but you can’t trust a motherfucking Dingo who knows so much about WWE. Wait just a motherfucking second. Let’s rewind for a second and listen to The Rock singing the Team Bring It Anthem. What. The. Mother. Fuck? Sounds like Dingo might have found his true calling, and it’s not snowboarding or partying. It’s delivering WWE news. Ellis went to Nuclear Cowboyz (the “z” makes it X-TREME!) on ice, not meth, but like meth. Not really, he just went to the show and they had some hot bitches dancing there. Unlike Dingo and Tully, Rawdog is incapable of rape. If there’s a rape-off between Tully and Dingo, it’s probably going to be close and one hell of a sexy ass rape-mania. This spawned many rapemania related calls & ideas, including Downzig and Mini-Nirvana, which led us into a break with “Rape Me” playing, by normal-sized Nirvana.

dr_drew_memeJust in time for moon news, Dr. Drew came on the show and dropped the “F” bomb pretty much immediately. I always find it weird to hear him swear. But anyway, back to the moon for a second. NASA wants to tow an asteroid into orbit around the motherfucking moon. Sounds good, I mean, what could go wrong? Sure, Michael Clarke Duncan is dead, by I think the rest of the Armageddon crew is still alive, right? Ok, back to Double-D PhD. He kept sprinkling in little swear words here and there in what seemed like a cringe worthy effort to sound hip and edgy for the audience. He got to hear about Rawdog’s roommate clogging his toilet with his giant turd and not fixing it. Double-D PhD immediately called Rawdog out on his confrontational issues, but played the part very well by also complimenting Rawdog on how he’s looking lately. We learned that Rawdog’s roommate also painted one of his walls with chalkboard paint and let his friends write all over it. Rawdog actually said something this time and told Captain Chair Leg Feces that he had to re-paint that shit, immediately! Since I’m already tired as a motherfucker (as I eluded to earlier) and Dr. Drew’s voice is like a motherfucking Valium  I pretty much just spaced out and don’t remember the rest of his time on the show. Basically, he asked a bunch of depressing questions, talked about molestation, answered a few questions, talked about Stevie, and some other stuff. It was interesting to hear his take on the myriad of subjects, but I just wasn’t in the mood to pay attention today, sorry motherfuckers. #LOLWinkyButthole

aging_processStill the same deal on EllisMania. So far, it’s a no go, at least until Ellis gets his ducks in a row. Could he have his stuff all situated by September? Maybe. But will the space still be open and available by then? Who knows. Too many variables to make a guess on so I guess you’ll just have to stay tuned. MMA news time, Ross Pearson fucked up his foot before fighting Ryan Couture but still ended up winning by TKO. Matt Mitrione knocked out Todd Duffee, so he’s not cut from the UFC… yet.  Gegard Mousasi won a unanimous decision against Ilir Latifi (who?) and also revealed he’ll be needing knee surgery. Turns out Dana White is kinda pissed at the commission in Sweden because Mousasi was supposed to fight so-and-so but they wouldn’t let him fight because he had a cut before the fight. There was more obviously, but what the motherfuck, I ain’t Fuel TV or some shit, go check that shit out if you’re so inclined. Hey, you know all those bikes Ellis bought for his family so they could all ride together? Yea, none of them wanted to ride except him. So he had to struggle with all of them to get them to stop the panic attack thing until they finally started to ride and have fun. Hey more motherfucking moto stuff was said, but I missed most of it because the cooling system at work decided to blow heat instead so my servers were screaming because of the 90 degree heat they were in. I don’t think it was anything important, just who went super duper fast that weekend and it was one of the same names you’d always hear. Some dumb motherfuckers bought ferrets that were given steroids and perms at birth to look like dumb motherfucking poodles. Who gives a rat’s ass, an emu’s dicks, or your dad’s balls? Also, Dingo is obsessed with animals inside peoples’ rectums. And lube. He’s obsessed with lube. Then there was some Hollywood news, missed that shit too and I’m okay with that. The big news of today was how a little old Jewish lady walks into her Rabbi’s office and said, “Rabbi Rabbi I just won 300 million dollars!” The Rabbi said: “Wow, congratulations. What are you going to do with the money?” She said, “100 million will go to the synagogue, they have always been there for me.” “Very good, we could use a generous donation like that. The rest?”, said the Rabbi. “I’m going to spend 100 million on my family traveling the world, and living it up.”, she said. Again, the Rabbi asks, “Very good, you have lived a hard life. Enjoy the rest of the time with your family. And the rest?” The lady said, “I’m going to build 20ft tall gold statue of Hitler.” Shocked, the Rabbi asks, “Why would you do such a thing???? He was a monster! He killed so many of our people! Why would you make tribute to him?” The lady holds out her forearm and says, “Well, he gave me the winning numbers!” OH!

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 4/4/2013

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Peetard's on the top!

Peetard’s on the top!

Well how the hell are ya on this fine Thursday?  If you’re jacked up on coffee, well has Ellis got some news for you.  He’s thinking about opening up his own coffee shop, well since he makes his own coffee at home and its fucking delicious!  I’d brew a fresh cup’o’Ellis every morning, I mean fuck Folgers right!  Oh and fuck the dentist too, especially if your anything like Tully, who doesn’t even considering setting an appointment with his dentist until at least 3 attempts to call Tully and set one up.  If you’re anything like Ellis, then you love the dentist…..cause its pretty sweet to get nitrous and gold teeth – pretty fucking sweet!  Breaking News:  Tiger is riding moto now.  Not only that, but he is so stoked on it and takes it so seriously, he actually is listening to Papa Ellis when he shouts instructions.  On another note, Rawdog has just about giving up on the bike race with Tiger at this point, as if we didn’t already know.  I do know that we don’t know some dude Ty that Tully knows, ya know, but that dude did tell Tully that the experiences he share with his child are really just like living a 2nd childhood.  Such a fucking cool concept – Im personally owning this one too.  Ellis agrees and directly linked it to Nuclear Cowboys and taking Tiggy to see it – and how awesome it will be for Tiger, and for Ellis to see Tiger’s reactions and such.  Of course this doesn’t mean Tiger or Linsanity has to re-live their fathers respective childhoods – which is really good for Tiger especially since Ellis reminded us how hard he grew up back down under.  Stories of just being out with his dad’s friends, and how hard those mutha fuckers really were, just doing shit like destroying their own cars when they got shit faced drunk, and just dealing with it the next day – man the fuck up and get over it ya cunt!   Shit like that just rubbed off on Ellis, even one time when he crashed his bike in the woods when the handle grip came off in mid air.  Ellismate just got up, started up his bike and rode it on home – Whereas kids now a days would just fall down n cry and freak out and have no clue as to how to handle such a situation.  Such a hard ass!  Not to be confused with a Tard Ass or “Peetard” which apparently is Burger Ellis’s new name.  Did you know animals love Rawdog?  Did you know Rawdog could give a shit about animals, yeah I thought you did.  Its not like he hates them or anything, just not his pick of the week if you know what I mean.  Nothing like Tully though, who admitted if he was to ever move away, he would come back to his old hood to visit that stray cat he takes care of and bonds with.  I mean he ain’t taking the little fucker with him to the new house, but he will stop by and say hi – super dad I tell ya!  In other meaningless news – Cumtard has kidney stones and just got out of the hospital – North Korea ain’t fucking around they say – Bidding ends tomorrow on Honus Wagner’s famous baseball card if you give a shit!

 

 

Nothing Stupider Than Jewpiter....or this joke, OH!

Nothing Stupider Than Jewpiter….or this joke, OH!

Check this shit out some video Katie sent to Ellismate the fellas watched on the show for a good minute – sounded hilarious.  Apparently the chic who sings it has allegedly been flagged by Interpol for some seriously sketchy shit – heres more info on that.   Some other shit too I kinda missed detail on, but remember when Ellis saved that dude from getting raped near The Abbey?  Well turns out some chic is suing them for similar reason, check it out.  Hollywood News time bitches – and starts of on a somber note as Roger Ebert has kicked the bucket, sorry dude!  Chris Bosh got got for about 300K in jewelry cause he’s a fucking moron, sorry dude!  Heidi Klum is a fucking bad ass, so says this article on her saving some fuckers from downing, your welcome!  Tom Cruise maybe does believe in aliens, maybe sorta kinda not really.  Jeremy Irons is a fucking moron dude, just listen to this dude talk about gay marriage and incest, but not separately!  And finally, but most importantly, Justin Beiber drew a picture today, of a mouse!  And thats Hollywood News ma’fuckers!  News on The Jason Ellis Show you may have missed – Rawdog is the bellboy of TJES, except he doesn’t bring your bags, just “Brings The Stupid”!  Let’s test that theory, and play a little Ellis JeParty with your host Will JizzCult Pendarvis III.  Today’s categories were ‘Rich & Famous’, ‘Around The World’, ‘Long O Make It Go Oooo”, and ‘Fictional Characters’.  Yeah, I ain’t going question for question with ya, but instead I’ll leave you with some catch phrases and key words from today’s game:  Poooooop – JewMoon (a.k.a. Jewpiter) – Who Beat The Jews? – Who Rapes Kids? – Boo Berries (The Super Food) – Super Man – Is Billy Crystal A Jew? and many many more!!!   But, uncle Ghostload won’t ever lie to ya kids, this was one of the lamest Ellis JeParties to date, and to top it all off fucking Anal Gay Lewis ended up winning, so you know I ain’t lying!  Still better than 99.99% off shit out there even on Rawdog’s worst day!

 

Just One?

Just One?

“Balls Cant’ Fight Vagnias” so says Jason Ellis.  Yeah they got to talking about Fallon Fox, the transgender female fighter who used to be a dude, and whoops up on women in MMA but claims being a dude back in the day has nothing to do with it.  Joe Rogan disagrees, and here’s the video to prove it!  Ellis said a tranny said its mellow, but then some doctor dude called in and verified that the male body is structurally different than the female body, including thickness of the skull, which we all know is extremely helpful when fighting MMA or doing heel grabs on your fresh blades!  Somehow the same doctor dude also broke down that males have started to under developed their bodies and over developed their brains, in which Tully figured out that aliens are really just humans from the future, hmmm maybe!  Steroids are ok to use also, we figured that out as well.  they’re especially ok to use if your wife makes more money than you do, which is how it is in over half the households in the US says Tully and some article I didn’t bother to look up.  Makes sense to Ellis, he knows a pretty semi famous dude who’s in that exact situation (It’s Psycho Mike in case you were wondering), and at first it was a bit weird, but in the end its all good!  Ellis could see himself being cool with Katie being the breadwinner, and him staying home and cleaning and shit.  Tully on the other hand isn’t so sure, well if he was trying to do something and it wasn’t working out, then had to hear to success of this significant other, yeah that could fucking suck I guess.  You know who doesn’t fucking suck I guess, Bert McCracken, yeah he gets more awesomer each time to get he’s on the show.  Since his last visit, Ellis went to go see Bert and The Used play, and they were’nt that shitty at all.  Bert was pretty fucking sweet, and the other dudes in the band didn’t suck, so thats good!    However, turns out on of those other dudes, who plays bass, used to date Katie back in the day, to which Bert gave a huge compliment saying she’s the only girlfriend dude had that wasn’t a bitch at all.  That’s not why Bert’s here though, nah, he’s here to talk about how he could drink a half gallon of vodka right now, and that meth fucking sucks dude, I mean its cool at first, but the next 20 days awake really fucking blows.  Bert also went to prison one time, not jail, prison!  He described it like this, “You go to jail and you cry, you go to prison and your scared to cry”, oh and he weighed about 80 lbs. when he went in, from meth of course.  Bert ain’t joking either, as today he sparked the idea of Ellis or Tully doing shrooms on air, well ok not sparked but reiterated cause he’s mentioned this before.  Today he really tried to sell it, and thought Ellis and Tully both weren’t about it at all, Rawdog may be down.  Josh’s only concern is being on the air and doing something stupid for us all to hear, to which Tully promised he wouldn’t let him do that, but to which Ellis said he’d just grab the fucking camera and thank Rawdog later – I vote option B!  Speaking of shrooms, if you ever meet Bert, ask to see his driver’s license picture…..taking while on a quarter of shrooms allegedly!

 

 

Which one's Ellis and which one's Rawdog?

Which one’s Ellis and which one’s Rawdog?

Jamey Jasta is the lead singer of Hatebreed in case you haven’t listened to the show in the last 6 months, and Bert says dude is fucking sweet.  That makes it official, Ellis is a dick, especially when Bert said if you like “Brunches at strip clubs” then you’ll like Jamey Jasta, man I fucking like this dude now too.  Maybe we will hear the front man from Hatebreed someday soon and wouldn’t that be the Perfect Day.  Hey, what would the perfect day be for Ellis?  Bacon, Pool Orgy, Smoothies, Burgers, More Bacon, Weed, More Orgies…..basically and orgy with some bud and room service.  Scientists on the other hand seem to have a different take on things.  I know what isn’t a perfect day for The Wing, the day Devin asked for heelys which was just the other day.  Well, Ellismate had to lay down the law with Snook, telling her there are two things in life that are ‘No Way’, heelys and of course rollerblading.  Imaging a young Tiger catching air on his fresh blades and hearing “Nice heel grab Tiger” – fucking oath that’ll be the day.  But then again, never thought I’d hear the day Ellis complimented HerpesStrokeFace, saying today since Dom has joined the show its been nothing but games and guests, fuck yeah Dom!  Well, then why don’t we play a game with our guest Bert McFuckingCracken that goes a little something like this.  Tully, Tully, Tully, Ellis no wait that was Tully.  Yeah, Tully pretty much owned this game, which was to identify the song being covered by a different band and a different genre (Just look up Richard Cheese and you’ll get the idea).  So not going to get into the game which was pretty fucking cool, just give you the gems you may have missed.  Bert went to jail once for Scott Russo.  Ellis hung out with Scott Russo once and woke up with a dick drawn on his head. Bert hates ACDC -and folks, I ain’t ever heard radio silence like this- but he was just joking so he survived this round, but barley.  Bert’s done blow with Shai LaBeouf and Bumblebee allegedly!  Dom’s gonna get some fresh shades from Electric Visual.  Bert’s going to read Ellis’s book.  Bert really really wants TJES to do some shrooms on the air, I mean really wants them too!  Ellis did rollerblade one time while on acid.  Bert put on a diaper and shit himself one time, also on acid.  Dom got the shit beat out of him live on air, well off air in the green room but we all heard it.  Your mom got the shit beat out of her live on freecams.com, but you had to give her 1,000 credits to be able to see me smack it with a tennis racket, OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 4/1/2013

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too_bookoo

First time we banged your mom, she said we were too bookoo. But we all knew that was bullshit & sure enough, she took every inch of the entire NYA platoon.

Wassup bitches!? It’s April 1st and that means I’m gonna go full on douche and play an April Fool’s joke or 3 on your asses. Better be on your toes, sisters! So with it being Monday, guess whose in studio today? If you said Uncle Mayhem, you’d be wrong because that ship sailed awhile ago, and Dingo has been coming in on Mondays for awhile now. Ellis was hanging out with old people while looking at a house, the old lady was cool, but the old guy was shaking his head at Ellis. Ellis was all like, “your pants, your belt buckle is on your belly button and I haven’t shaken my head at you in disgust.” He didn’t say that out loud, but he was thinking it – so maybe that old man got the telepathic message – or maybe not. Do you know what ghost hunters wear when they go out hunting for ghosts and other apparitions? Affliction Clothing. Ellis went running for his workout, Dingo has been running, but also skipping the running and instead eating, oh and Rawdog got invited to and participated in an orgy! April Fools, he is still in the friend zone.

missed_payments

In this monetary based world, if you’re not thinking about money, you’re either rich or dead.

Ellis has been worrying about money, so like anyone suffering through tough economic times, he bought 3 motorcycles over the weekend. But hey, he’s looking to move, maybe he’ll be without a pool, a smaller house, and maybe the kids will have to share a room, but things will work out and the kids seem to really like the idea of it all – so that’s what counts. Rawdog had a pround “big brother” moment yesterday. He’s little brother MC McJewyPants started spitting his flow and impressed his big brother with how much better he’s gotten in the past 6 months. Hey, how do you wanna die? Viking style on a flaming boat? Buried in the ground in case you can become a zombie? Burned into a pile of ashes in a crematorium? All this death talk spurred some pretty upbeat conversations, such as family members dying far too soon and supposed crematories that actually just give you a sack of ashes from a month’s worth of smoking in a dive bar. And with that, Tully tried to steer the conversation to a brighter side by mentioning it’s opening season for baseball and some dude in the NCAA broke his ma-fuggin’ leg. When it first happened, everyone was pissing their pants about how bad it was, but that really doesn’t compare to Clint Malarchuk’s accident.

spider-man_tuna_can

Just watch Spiderman or something, you’ll be much happier.

Jon Jones has pulled out of his fight with Chael Sonnen, he just found out he has AIDs and the athletic commission will not allow him to fight due to the potential threat of other fighters contracting HIV. April Fools, the fight is still on. Georges St. Pierre has to back out of fighting Johnny Hendrix because he wants to be in a movie. Chris Weidman is preparing for his fight with Anderson Sliva, while Anderson is busy picking his balls, and learning how to speak like Steven Seagal. Hollywood news time, Lindsay Lohan’s lawyers have tried to get her to go to rehab and then I trailed off because I’m so sick of hearing about her that I could literally puke, eat said puke, shit that puke out, eat the puke I just shit out, and then shit it out again and slather it all over my body. And that is no April Fools joke. Kim Kardashian is a big fat whale and her stupid shit sisters have all come out to defend her gargantuan structure and say that she is really pregnant, not just eating ice cream sandwiches. Rawdog can’t pronounce Liev Schreiber’s name, we shouldn’t be surprised. Halle Berry wants a law passed where you can’t photograph the young children of celebrities. Justin Bieber got confiscated in Germany. April Fools, it was his pet fucking monkey. Is this dude turning into Michael Jackson or what.

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Is Rawdog going to start wearing make-up now too? Come on, buddy! Confront your roommate, if not for your own sakes, for all of ours!

And with that Rawdog brought out a new segment “See It Or Fuck It”, where Rawdog tells you about the movies coming out and Ellis says if he’d see it or not. First up, GI Joe. Survey says, go ahead and see it. Next up was another fucking Tyler Perry piece of shit. Survey says, if you’re black, you know you’re gonna go see that shit, if you’re white, come on. Next was The Host, it sounds horrible. Survey says, avoid that shit like you avoid family functions. Let’s just skip the rest, they’re all shit. Speaking of shit, Rawdog’s gay roommate clogged the toilet with his massive gay turds, and left that shit there for him to deal with. So what’d Rawdog do? Went to Jack In The Box to go potty. What. The. Fuck. Dude gets steamrolled by women, and now by his roommate too? Confrontation is not in Rawdog’s vocabulary, he just got friend zoned by shit. Pretty much everyone is ready to fly across the country to tell Rawdog’s roommate that he’s a dumb motherfucker and he better cut the shit plunge the shit or next time he’ll be eating it. A university study of people in different phases of sexual activity say that the more sex you have, the bigger your brain swells and throbs.

biotics

Gonna go on a date with a porn star? Both of these are going to be your friends.

This leads us into Eva Lovia (thanks @cogdeth, I didn’t hear who it was), who visited the show today. She’s an astrophysicist who proved the Virial theorem in stellar astrophysics. April Fool’s, she’s a 23-year-old porn star. Her and Ellis were supposed to go out one night and he opted to stay home instead, so they smoothed things over and told each other that they look better in person. Then they talked about when she started fucking, who she started fucking, why she started fucking, and other fucking related topics. She does other stuff too, like having fun and activities. But mostly of the fucking activity variety. Ellis wants to pump her for 6 seconds, she’ll let Rawdog pump her for 6 seconds as long as they’re both clothed. Rawdog claimed he could pump more than 4 times in 6 seconds, completely missing the joke Ellis made about him blowing his load too early. It was Dingo, pound-for-pound today’s funniest guest, who jumped on the opportunity to explain the joke to Rawdog. Poor guy.

suprise_patrick

Why didn’t The Lord take the uglier ones first?

Now is when the show moved to “Women, Am I Right?” and we were blessed with a plethora of even smarter women who do things like; blame trained squirrels for destroying their garden, fall out of their vehicles while reversing, along with many other stories, and why you should spill your man nectar on their outsides, not their insides. This brought a single, mini whorecaine into the studio, or better known as Katie. But she’s not stupid, ugly, or dumb. She is a little weird, but fuck it, she’s hot and has nice titties – you’d totally let her walk over your ass if she was yo baby momma, admit it. While we’re at it, I know you’ve been wondering why you cry so much during sex, it’s from the pepper spray, man. OH! Sorry, I know that’s a touchy subject for you. I also know what’s long and hard on you as well. The fourth grade. OH!OH! Which is also the sound your mom made upon her first double penetration. OH!OH!OH! And that’s what dyslexic Santa says. FUCK IT, I’M OUT!