So our best voice-over guy, @sharkchucker said he wanted to make some new “Halftime” buttons to include all of North America – guess he has a soft spot in his heart for some of you Canadians. I pounded back a few drinks and wrote up some garbage for him to read, no matter how shitty my writing, he turned them into sweet-ass gems. Enjoy!
The Jingleberries (@Jingleberries) put a call out for all us idiots! Should you want your voice and whatever shit you got to say about “The Jason Ellis Show” or “Jason Ellis” can be sent to them, and you just might make it on-air.
And since I’m an idiot, I made a few audio files myself. I have no idea what I’m doing and all I have is a shit mic from 1992. But, I don’t know what to send to The Jingleberries. So, why don’t you give them a listen and you can tell me which ones I should send off for their review and mockery.
Update: So this has grown to be way cooler than expected! Below are some of the drops listener’s have made. From people such as @bitPimps, @AZ_RedDragon, @CrackerStacker6, @thegooser, and @sharkchucker. Enjoy!
But before that, here’s an “Unsigned Fart” by @cogdeth on the ass and @sharkchucker on vocals!
Burbank Dave
Test Your Manliness (by: bitPimps)
Honkeys-N-Crackers (by: bitPimps)
Do Things With Stuff! (by: bitPimps)
Fucking Stupid (by: bitPimps)
Sidewalk Chalk (by: bitPimps)
Thicker & Fuller (by: bitPimps)
Straight Outta Tarzana (by: bitPimps)
More Smarter (by: AZ_RedDragon)
Write Stuff Too (by: AZ_RedDragon)
Flush (by: AZ_RedDragon)
It’s Fuckin’ Embarrassing (by: CrackerStacker6)
Neglecting My Family (by: CrackerStacker6)
Jewish Boy (by: bitPimps)
No Playing (by: bitPimps)
Pitchfork (by: bitPimps)
Offspring (by: bitPimps)
Hey, Hey, Tony Hawk (by: bitPimps)
Cackle (by: bitPimps)
Get Off Your Mum (by: thegooser)
Long Time Listener, First Time Caller (by: thegooser)
Ellis Can Help (by: thegooser)
What Load? (by: thegooser)
Load Toes (by: thegooser)
Accidentally the Whole Thing (by: bitPimps)
Market News (by: bitPimps)
Burbank Dave (by: AZ_RedDragon)
Gonna Fuckin’ Shoot (by: AZ_RedDragon)
Morons (by: AZ_RedDragon)
Not As Sticky (by: AZ_RedDragon)
Check Out My Big Ole Titties (by: sharkchucker)
Prize Chamber (by: sharkchucker)
Dick (by: sharkchucker)
Well Informed (by: sharkchucker)
New Music Tuesday (by: sharkchucker)
Facebook (by: sharkchucker)
JizzEllis (by: sharkchucker)
Southern Gentleman (by: sharkchucker)
Shawshank (by: sharkchucker)
A Warning (by: thegooser)
Today’s show is dedicated to the troops and to lesbians. But not the lesbians that fuck women only, but the ones who will take a dick from time to time. So for the lesbian troops out there, this one’s especially for you. If your a twisted robot nympho that wishes you could impregnate Wall-E, this one’s especially for you! What were the New Year resolutions for the crew you wonder….Ellis doesn’t have one, just his desire to dominate radio and be famous. Rawdog on the other hand just wants to get out of bed half an hour after the alarm goes off. He also wants to be more social in his life, maybe getting a little pussay if you know what I mean. This all inevitably led to Rawdog needing to pump iron, so he can pump the ladies. After a few callers admitted their tragic downhill turn in life due to Ellis and Rawdog not going to the gym regularly like they were going too, we got action. So again, Ellis n Rawdog are going to the gym to work out, starting Monday, so let that inspire you to at least put down the fucking chocolate eclair and go outside. This will also lead to about 1,000 new cases of STD’s accross the nation, well with all the action everyones gonna get being all ripped n shit. Oh and Scott Greenstein gets mad pussy yo!
Wall-E also enjoys a snowball now and then
So this lady found a video of her boyfriend fucking another chic, and posted the sex tape online to get revenge, but only ended up fucking herself over. Ever wonder what happened to Bill the Scorpion? Yeah me either, but he called the show from heaven. Yeah he’s dead now and chillin with 2-pack up there, so there is a ghetto in heaven, good to know. Sounds like heaven as made Bill a little less racist, but still irritable as all fuck. He gave a shout out to the communists, butt chuggers and amish out there “Die Mutherfuckers!” Love that guy and in case your not sure who Bill the Scorpion is, just ask Cumtard and he’ll break it down for you, along with what Red Dragons means and anything else you need to know, love that guy too. In case your not sure Bill’s dead, just ask Tully or Will and find out for yourself, the hard way! While your at it, ask Jizz Cult about the black widow scare of ’88, or the bed bug massacre in ’92, crazy shit man. Just don’t go pissing Shiny Shins off though, or end up like these two girls parents, just for not letting them use the internet. And finally, if you’ve ever wanted to be Asian, Bob’s your uncle.
Shit Sully LOOK OUT!!!
Russia has declared beer to no longer be part of their food pyramid, but Vodka is still a key to any nutritious diet. So what advice can the show give to teens out there struggling to make it in this crazy world? How about kill yourself, which was the answer to the majority of such questions as “My girlfriend gets mad I rollerblade” or “My friend has keeps having crushes on the same guys I like”….yeah just fucking off yourself. One chic was dating a cowboy, cause mom said cowboys are fucking hot, and dude beats her and does drugs n shit, yeah she should probably just kill her mom. So should this other teen bitch whos got a 25year old sister with a little rug rat, sleeping in her room at her parents house cause she ain’t got a job or a life. Anyways, back to the kill yourself people….Can I get pregnant with my underwear on…..can I get pregnant by swallowing load….I am a teen girl and want a baby – ok especially this bitch! You get the drift, some funny shit if you wanna go back n check it out. If you do, be sure to stick around for the bitch whos on her 16th day of heavy menstruation, its a hoot!
You maybe wanna get that shit checked out lady
New Adventure’s with Danny and the Dingo Cumtard everybody. Every time that Kevin fucks up on the show, Ellis is going to torture him. So today’s torture was the ol’ hot waxing the armpits, but while Cumtard made little kitty cat noises. This go around they didn’t have the professional shit that ladt brought in, but just some store bought shit that wasn’t the same, but Cumtard persevered thanks to his meds he’s back on. They make it harder for him to blow his load, but they keep him leveled out. He’s also cut back on drinking as well, good on ya mate!!! Andy Dick on the other hand doesn’t drink at all anymore, and also came by the show to spit on Tully Sully and Rawdog Mandog for old time sake. He also came bearing gifts of 2% of the US is adopted, and 40% of crazy people in mental homes are adopted, fuck. Then it hit him, Andy Dick has been on The Jason Ellis Show before. He remembers someone smoking weed in the parking lot of swinghouse, probably Mandog I’m sure. Anyways, Andy stopped in to tell Ellis how awesome his show is and that the Dick is now dating guys exclusively, 5 to be exact. He’s also kinda bummed that Howard Stern hates him and wishes he could get a minute with him to apologize. A big heart to heart between Jason Ellis, Andy Dick, Michael Sully and of course Mandog, eventually leading to one key point in all this, if you adopt a child, you MUST read them “Our Chosen Child“, or roll your dice on those percentages Andy gave you earlier.
DING!
In tribute to Andy Dick’s relationship status, Ellis decided to knock the dust of a classic, ‘Dude Is It Gay’. Before that though, Mandog’s stories of circle jerking it and snowballing came up, to which the idea of swallowing your own load made even Andy throw up in his mouth. You disgust me Mandog, but you also entertain me so its cool bro! The circle jerk however really caught Andy’s interest, so much so he plans to stop by the show more often to hear more jewels from his cuddly little friend. Well that and the chance to meet Thomas Haden Church, who wouldn’t want to be a friend of the show? Back to Dude Is It Gay, and it is gay to get molested for 6 flags tickets, and to be peed on by any dude, famous R&B star or not. A new twist to Dude Is It Gay this time, twitter questions. “Dude is it gay if I tweet @ellismate gay?” is the gayest question ever asked on the show, twitter or phone. Its not gay to clip your fingernails, but Mike Sully is flaming gay for cutting his with scissors, then using a file to get them just right. @stapleneck is gay for every and any eskibro he issues, and everything @mike_in_canada tweeted is super Gandalf gay. Oh shit that reminds me, earlier Sully did a story on some kid who tried to rob a store, and called his mom for a ride home…….but she couldn’t answer as she was in the middle of a pterodactyl with @AZ_RedDragon, @bitPimps and yours truly, OH!
No Shit!
Welcome to Wednesday, a normal day like any other. The studio has been fucked up yet again, and life is meaningless so put that in your pipe and smoke it. On a lighter note, precum is cool. I mean its the fucking place to be. Our life goal should be to live in a state of precum. As Tully broke it down to us, we hold back on the final stage of cuming, so we can enjoy the bit before that…..the precum stage. Makes as much sense as Ellis wanting to be a little girl, not a woman but a little girl. Not a teenage girl either, with all that fucked up acne n all fat n shit. High school’s a bitch for a bitch, and apparently for Australians too as its just really training for jail. Ellis used to get called a skaghead back in school, which is a term for a heroin addict who’s homeless, not too far off. In Rawdogs jew school, the popular kids were still nerds and they had no good sports teams. Oh and Tully knew a dude in high school that got an offer to play soccer for a women’s college team, pink dragons to you my friend. Wanna see an Eagle snatch up a baby? And that video there is why we should ban automatic weapons and shit. Per Ellis, lets just keep it to rifles and handguns. Per Tully, keep ’em filled with blanks if you keep ’em in the house. I ain’t touching the whole gun issue, so instead here’s a story of a 60 car pile up on the 5.
Blah Blah Blah? Blah Blah Blah Blah!
Ramona Bruland is some cunt your gonna start seeing more of…..if you watch the X games. Seems Sal Masekela’s out and ESPN got this chic to replace him. We don’t know much about her, but she was a snowboarder “briefly”, appeared on Bold and the Beautiful a few times, and did some plumtv shit. Maybe Dingo knows her? Anyways, this is a bad move per Ellismate, since she’s not “one of us”. She really isn’t, is anyone being interviewed by her going to have a clue who she is, or give a fuck what she has to say. After all, would you rather watch her trying to relate to a back flip, or maybe Dingo TJ Lavin or even Todd Richards. Truth is it don’t matter what we folks want, its what the corporate suits want, control. And this broad seems to be the definition of puppet. That’s a reason why Ellis left EPSN, not wanting to wear their X games shit over his sponsors gear, despite them trying to demand that shit. Echolalia is some shit Rawdog has. Echolalia is some shit Rawdog has. Well, he did have it as a kid, and Ellis noticed him doing the same shit today. He was doing some kind of mumbling after he spoke, which later turned out to be him repeating what he just said, or so Tully and Ellis think. Will said that Cumtard said that the fake Avril chic said she noticed it before too, so it must be true. So why was Josh raised as a girl? And is he a hypochondriac schizophrenic with alzheimer’s on the verge of a stroke? Gotta tune in and find out bro.
So what do you boys think of these? Not too shabby “Blair”, those are very intercourseable. Well, you fuckers have complained too long, heres your wish if you’ve been missing the classic segment, “Dude, Am I A Slut?” Here we go; Josie is 20, with 34DD tits, and was pissed some dude pulled out and came on her back….Not a slut Josie, just a bitch. Erica has been dating a dude for 4 years, engaged for 2, and they haven’t had sex yet with “Turd McStiffenson” being all Catholic and shit….not a slut, in fact what the fuck did you call for? Tonya, 27 years ancient, found out her ex cheated on her so went and fucked all his boys and his female cousin too….not a slut, yup thats the verdict! Lisa is 36 and her man is hung like horse, and she chows beav, and had sex at the pool with some chic in public….not a slut. Thats 0 for 4 if your scoring at home, of course not with any of these bitches…so how about Jackie, she and her girl friends took turns fucking some random dudes at different places throughout a roughly 5 hour window…..DING! Not only do we have our first slut, but that bitch is invited to the prize chamber at The Wing’s house, ‘cept he hung up on her slutty ass. In the search for Jackie to call back, we played ‘Are you a lady, rapist or sex offender’ which I’m sure is hear to stay. All in all it is what it is, nah mean!
Ever hear the expression “ain’t got a pot to piss in”, well these mother fuckers here done bought the pot to piss and shit in, to go with the really cheap apartment that didn’t come with such amenities. They sir are morons, ok that segue failed, but Jizz Cult didn’t with his crazy wacky game ‘You Sir Are A Moron’. If you don’t know how to play, that kind makes it better really. Some of the topics were 100 Rawdogs verses one Jason Ellis (Not the Lycan sized Ellis, but the real life version), when do you tell a chic you have an STD, which is never by the way. The most amount of money ok to gamble away at Vegas, yeah Will set this game up. Most valuable thing to steal from work – Tattoo of Hello Kitty on your head or a tat of Hitler on your ass. One million bucks in exchange for your penis being 50% size, what the fuck kinda games are these Jizz Cult? Drink a gallon of pee or eat small nugget sized turd? Watch your parents fuck or jerk it for your grandma? Thats it I’m fucking out of here.
What if Grandma likes it, and goes for it, then what?
Hollywood news time ladies and douche knuckles, and Sam Donaldson got a DUI in Delaware. Who the fuck is Sam Donaldson? Ke$ha’s new smash hit single ‘Die Young‘ has been pulled from radio station play due to its suggestive and inappropriate title. Like Too Short said, “It was all good just a week ago”. Tom Cruise talks about being a big pussy to Jimmy Fallon. Sounds like Bieber got him some new snatch to get over the Smellena Gomez bitch. Lindsay Lohan says she didn’t take a massive shit to clog up those toilets as she was accused of. Psycho Mike is not only banging Landon Donovan’s ex, but he married her. Obama is Time’s Man of the Year, again. Cullen a.k.a The Backbone is Faction, SiriusXM and just life in general’s Man Of The Year for playing the greatest ‘Dude Am I A Slut’ of all time after the show ended if you wanna check it out OnDemand or some shit. Oh and Sal Masekela texted Ellis back saying thanks for calling him and fag and all, mad respect. As if Canada hasn’t had enough, we find out that Lacrosse is the national sport. However bad they are, they can’t be as bad as this douche bag radio dude just ripping of The Jason Ellis Show. I’m not even going to dignify you with a name, just he’s from the San Antonio market, has bits like “Your a slut if…” and shock collars and all that shit, plus some repeating guests as Ellis too. This seems so obvious that even Tully and Will call bullshit on this dude. Also, this sparked the age old question of what Ellis has stolen from other shows over the years. Maybe he stole part of Bubba’s shock collar bits, or Howard’s voice machine idea. Nah mate, you are! Truth is, Ellis never stole shit from anybody, and as Tully reminds us, just about everything gets recycled over at some point as theres only so many things you can do over years of radio. Its kinda like the other night, I did this move where I jumped off the edge of the bed, dick first into your mom’s gaping twat, while doing a 360 and grabbing my balls, only to hear her tell me @AZ_RedDragon and @bitpimps took turns doing that on her last week, OH!
Aw Shit – The Remix!
Dude, its totally Wednesday, and I totally party….do you like to party? Ellis can party his ass off, since he ain’t having heart attacks while pumping iron at the wing’s gym like he thought he was yesterday. Good shit to know, that and he wears leggings. Sounds like Ellismate’s knee is working again, just in time to get shredded and fuck some models. Speaking of fat bitches, is there such a thing as a 400 lb. lady with a skinny child? Who cares, what’s really important is if you are cool being seen with said fat bitch, if the sex is good of course. Tully is/was, and of course his boys hated on him, but how’d they’re book rank on the New York Times Best Seller List? Apparently the Metal Militia tent at the X games is the spot to snag you a keeper just FYI! Meanwhile, Rawdog has dumb taste buds, hates spinach, and is Down With The Sickness. In fact, did you know Disturbed wrote that tune about the illustrious Illusionist? Straight into UFC on FOX this weekend, and Ellis’s ass is taking on your mom so check it out. Conveniently, Manny Pacquiao is fighting this weekend too with some free preliminary fights on some shit channel, but not against Floyd Mayweather as he is still ducking! Both of those cock suckers top the Forbes list of highest paid athletes. Then Rawdog told us a tale, of him opening his front door to numerous chics, one of which was that hot chic he thought he had a date lined up with, and taking shots with these chics in his kitchen. The story lead to the club, doesn’t it always, with Rawdog’s roommate joining him and the 4 ladies on a 45 minute walk, only to stand in a two block long line. The story ends with the hot chic that Rawdog is fond of, walking off with his roommate, and Josh being left uncomfortably with the 3 remaining chics. He left and went home, the end!
Happy Holidays from the assholes at NoYouAre!
In Hollywood News, you only have 8 days left to bid on a day with The Jason Ellis Show and a trip to the strip club of your choice. If your not a dick, Ellis n Tully may even splooge splurge on a lap dance for ya! John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John released their sex tape……how else was I gonna get you to click that fucking link, its just a shitty Xmas video she forced him to do at gun point. One of those little punks from Home Improvement got a DUI. The Olsen twins are at it again, with a new $55K backpack thats got PETA and local drug dealers pissed. Meanwhile, in other Hollywood News, in Portugal, Anderson Cooper’s eyes are as pussy as he is. Oh and if your in Kentucky, vote for Ashley Judd to be your Senator. Onto one of today’s guest, Mia Isabella 2011 XBIZ/URBANX TS Performer of The Year, in the studio to help the kids. Honestly, she sucks on the radio like most of us would, but she had a good cause and it led to a pretty funny game. First, she’s repping little kids who need shoes, at some event tonight at Mickys, but I didn’t get much more than that. Of course Ellis has more swing than she does, and got Globe to hook it up with a few pairs to help the kiddies. And onto the game, with Cumtard of course, that involved him drinking champagne out of each person’s shoe, either off their foot or brought from home. 5 shoes total, one each from Ellis, Tully, Rawdog, Mia and Jizz Cult all filled with some shitty $3 bottle of New Year’s finest. Cumtard was able to guess two shoes correctly, those of Mia and Ellismate. Of course he wasn’t able to nail the “Grainy” tasting shoe of Jizz Cult, or “Fucking gross” shoe of Rawdog, and certainly not the Athlete’s Foot infested shoe of one Tully McTullyvich. Of course everyone is a winner, Mia’s cause got some shoes donated, Ellis got radio gold, Tully got the cock of his foot, Rawdog didn’t really win shit and Cumtard won the rest of the bottle of bubbly. Here’s to $425 gold pills that make your shit glitter, and to Kenny, whoever the fuck that is.
Ya Heard Me
So we found out that Rolling Stone magazine is comprised of a bunch of white dudes who think Sir Mix-A-Lot still has legitimate street cred. They posted a sneak peek of 5 of their Top 50 hip-hop songs of all time. I personally am a huge fan of rap and this list ain’t awful, but is clearly based on historical importance as opposed to overall song quality, but what the fuck do I know…..that this bitch here is nasty – been fucking her dog for 13 years now. As if fucking little kids isn’t enough, Penn State is at it again, only fucking Mexicans over now with racism. Rawdog was at it again, saying he hates China cause they got small areolas, and he’s got a point. Meanwhile, this dude got forced to do home repairs at gunpoint in San Jose, the New Jersey of San Francisco. The New York Post is catching shit for posting a photo of a dude about to get creamed by a subway train on the cover. Breaking news: Today, December 5th, 2012 on the Jason Ellis Show, Rawdog was correct! Mark it down, it don’t happen that often folks.
Come on, who’s gonna notice…
Bert McCracken was today’s other guest, dropping in fashionably late. This dude is just about the definition of a rock star, and a listener to the Ellis show, or a huge smoke blower. He’s fresh out of rehab and sober now, and also not allowed in Canada for the next 10 years, Red Dragons! The Used will be playing in the 2013 Take Action Tour so get it up ya. For today though, its ‘Get The Cock Of Your Chest’ with Blasko Bert McCracken. If your a fan, go check the intro to this shit, Smokin’ Load Frazier for days crack. Bert was kind enough to start us off, with a tale of a chic giving him a BJ, then demanding he pay her $80 after completion. Sounds like a Sunday afternoon for Ellis, but 6 of one, half dozen of the other. Bert did Dr. Drew some dude who jerks it in front of unknowing strangers on the internet. Some literal sex offender called in about old ladies, fuck that guy. Another dude was dropping loads into a MILF’s shampoo bottle. A teacher pooped in some kids book bag, ya know the usual shit. We did have a chef war between Bert and Tully, neither backing down to defeat. Some other dude called in saying he used to eat a ton of oatmeal, and spray it all out his ass into big cup, and then piss and cum in said cup, and your mom would drink it, shit that out and drink that…..wait shit I never got through to the show, OH!