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Show Recap for Thursday 2/6/2014

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Welcome to this Thursday’s recap of The (ever wonderful) Jason Ellis Show!!! I will open with the same words of wisdom that Ellis himself opened with this afternoon (or noon on the west coast) and say, “uhhhh…” Boom. Take that, Nietzsche, you mother fucker. Opening the show Ellis talks about how he is now the kind of guy who drives around with a dress shirt in the back of his car, because he is a man of many faces. Also, he doesn’t really get how all those business guys hang the shirt in the back of the car, because it creates a big blind spot and is dangerous, and he drives a Porsche and there isn’t a hook over the back passenger windows like in lowly sedans. But Ellis really is a man of many faces! He has 3 faces in fact- his RadioFace, his SuperDadFace, and his TVFace. His SuperDadFace has been out in full force with the kiddies, so much so that he’s pretty sure that his kinds are going to have bruised armpits from all of his poking and tickling and wrestling around. Speaking of wrestling, at one point Tiggie drop kicked SuperDadFace and managed to hit Devin in the process, which probably wouldn’t have been such a big deal, except she has rubber bands on her back teeth because she is getting braces. Tomorrow. Which sort of sucks, but Tully and Ellis agree that it’s better to get braces over with when you’re young, and at least she has the kind of parents that can afford to give her braces. Also…the ganked up teeth is totally Mummy’s fault. So there. Driving through the backstreets of Beverly Hills SuperDadFace noticed that some people in Beverly Hills are so rich that they’re houses are entire streets and they have driveways with statues and shit. But…that’s also kind of lame because if you have that much money why the fuck would you bother with statues and lame waterfalls and not install wave pools? Because the rich is wasted on the rich, and youth is wasted on the young, is the explanation that Tully provides and everypone agrees because Tully is like the fucking oracle of The Jason Ellis Show. Although…he admittedly stalks out BitPimps on twitter on the reg…so actually…BitPimps is the Oracle of The Jason Ellis Show and Tully just does a really good job of stealing his thunder. Back from my tangent and on to the tangent that was actually on the show: Michael Jackson was a seriously rich person and he had the idea right when it came to trying to buy cool and fun toys to have a grown up version of a little kid playland, but he sort of sucked in the execution and picked out bad toys. Really…he had a carousel and little boys aren’t interested in carousels…Mikey J should have had a construction site up in Neverland!!! Duh.

Ellis then wants Jetta to come into the studio and doesn’t want to yell for Jetta, but he also can’t find the Jetta button which he knows exists, but can’t find. So, Jetta!! Where is the Jetta button? Cumtard then comes in to tell where the Jetta button is and explain why it’s there instead of on the main page (it’s on show drops) and when Ellis presses it he decides that the Jetta button is too long or, as Tully puts it, it burns the listener’s ear, and they talk about Jetta being a white boy show pony and decide that his new button needs to be the creepy little boy from the Jetta commercials that goes “Zoom zoom” as it has the added entertainment bonus where Ellis and Tully can try to convince people that Jetta is the grown up version of that creepy little boy. Oh, and the THC Google button is awesome. Of course. Ellis then talks about how he wants to be sponsored by RockStar Energy because then he could have one of the RockStar Energy pole dancer girls in the studio on a pole dancing and occasionally kicking people in the head, because that would be awesome.

Somehow they get on the subject of Carey Hart and how he keeps having to have back surgeries because his back is absolutely trashed from riding moto. The man literally sacrificed his health and trashed the shit out of his back to further the sport and it’s amazing and sad at the same time, because he is years from being a competitor in the game and he is still suffering from it, as well as having the stress of Team RCH and Hart and Huntington, as well as being a daddy and a hubby and not taking any pain killers because he wants to be able to feel his face. Tully and Ellis talk about how it’s really hard to win in the long run with action sports and be set for life as a result of making a name for yourself. In fact, Tully brings up that it seems to be kind of hard for people in any sport to be set for life just for playing and brings up examples from Baseball where all these famous baseball players had side jobs in the off season and then after retiring sold cars and shit. Of course there are always that handful that are super famous and get tons of endorsement deals and don’t piss away all of their millions…but there are many more who have to be working schlubs like the rest of us once the cameras don’t want to look at their faces anymore. Except Joe Rogan, who is winning at the game of life. He is the winner of the winners of the game of life. In case you were wondering. They decided this after he tweeted something, but I missed what he tweeted because I impaled the roof of my mouth with a blunt object and started bleeding all over the place…and that is what I consider a legitimate excuse. Especially because I was driving when this happened and all I said to Hubbs was, “I need paper towels” and then spat blood all over the steering wheel. I am a hardcore bitch.

On the subject of sports, it’s that time of every two years again…the Winter Olympics!! Does anyone really care about the Olympics anymore? Ellis doesn’t. Tully doesn’t. I don’t really care either, if you were wondering…so no…none of us important people care. Hahaha…see what I did there? It seems like the only reason people care all that much this year is because they are in Russia and Russia made a big deal about hating gay people (because…Russia) and there are all sorts of shady Olympic things going down in the Olympic village as there are no locks or doorknobs on a lot of the hotel doors, you can’t flush the toilet paper OR fish in the toilet, and….how the fuck did the Olympics wind up in Russia again? Ummm…no one really knows, but it is the opinion of Tully and the Dingo that it’s because the Olympics are pretty fucking suspect and there was probably some money changing all sorts of hands. Ellis thinks that it’s a bit weird that people still care about the Olympics when it’s a big sham and says that the Olympics are like a shady version of the X-Games, which is kind of weird considering usually the younger things are the more weird, offbeat, suspect things. Irony at work, people. Tully thinks that the Olympics used to be way more entertaining back when he was 7 because when he was 7 there were only 5 channels on television and it was something different to watch, but that isn’t the world we live in anymore. Entertainment has gotten better and the Olympic Rings are showing their true colors. Plus, aren’t Olympians just a bunch of privileged kids who had parents that had tons of money to toss into their training and turn them into rich pricks meaning that, at their core, they are unrelatable to the average human beings that they are supposed to represent? A caller calls in and calls bullshit, saying that Olympians come from a lot of diversified backgrounds and often are talented kids who have crazy abilities and get sponsored by rich people throwing money at them. Maybe. But the jury is still out. Ellis says that you know the Olympics sucks because even the worst event at the X-Games is wayyyyyyyy better than Curling, which everyone knows is the worst event at the Olympics. Ellis then says that there should be street pole vaulting instead of parkour and he would love to watch a video of a ton of parkour pole vaulter’s eating shit in one big compilation and laugh his ass off for days. In fact, Ellis would love to do a stunt where he rollerbladed down a ramp to parkour pole vault over a canyon because that’s a whole bunch of horrible ‘sports’ rolled into one. But…there should be water at the bottom of the canyon…because no one wants to see him die.

Back from the first break Ellis and Tully are joined in studio by Frank DeCaro, who thought the Mike Tyson rejoin was Ellis doing a really good impression of Mike Tyson…when in fact it is Mike Tyson doing a really good impression of Mike Tyson. Then Frank brings up the one thing that Ellis didn’t want to talk about, which is the pending George Zimmerman Celebrity Boxing match. Why doesn’t Ellis want to talk about it? Cause it’s a bunch of bullshit! Who the fuck decided that Zimmerman was a celebrity in the first place? Isn’t this a horrible example to set for future generations seeking fame? All you have to do is kill someone of a different race in sort of whacky circumstances and have a highly public trial if you wanna be considered a celebrity, kids. Give me a fucking break. That’s really my issue with it. The issue that Ellis seems to be having with it is that it’s not going to be a real fight and whomever he fights isn’t going to murder him in the ring, which he deserves. Now, TJES talked about the Zimmerman/Martin trial a bit and they did a really good and objective segment on it that I applauded before I wrote for this wonderful, wonderful site, but I agree with Ellis…at this point Zimmerman needs to be punched in the face in a particularly no-holds barred kind of way. I mean. Really. Anyway, Frank DeCaro was super excited that he got a Wolfknives shirt and was “Oh Boy!” excited when Ellis explained that it meant that he is a part of a gang now, because Frank has never been a delinquent before. Oh boy! He then talks a little bit about his upcoming show about Showgirls and the various parts he plays in it, and his first audition since moving to LA where he walked into a room with a bunch of different versions of himself which he described as Tall Me, Fat Me, Really Fat Me, Ginormous Me, Old Me, Black Me, Jewish Me, and the oddball random straight guy. And they were all wearing bowties. Frank really wants to be a Regular on a sitcom and Tully pitches an idea where Ellis and Frank have their own sitcom where they are gay lovers that maintain their real life personalities and boom…hilarity ensues. Ellis thinks that story line could work for their characters to be on Workaholics, which would then obviously lead to their own spin off show, and then the rest will be history. Oh, we can dream, we can dream. Ellis then tells Frank that Cumtard is homophobic and a hole other sort of hilarity ensues as Cumtard vehemently denies being homophobic and Frank says that he himself is homophobic and doesn’t really like to have sex all that much with his husband, but truly enjoys having sex with himself. There is a lot of anal sex talk and it is explained to Frank that Cumtard would rather eat the ass of a 90 year old lady with diarrhea in her underwear than receive anal from an Asian man who is the best anal lover in the known world. Everyone else in the studio- Ellis, Tully, Jetta, Mike Jasper (who popped in a few minutes before), and Frank say they would of course rather have anal than eat that calamity, but CumTard holds out. Calls are taken speculating on whether CumTard is homophobic or not and some people come to his defense, one with an Asian slur (bad form, dude, the G word doesn’t look good on anyone), and finally CumTard says that he would rather have anal than eat a birthday cake crafted entirely from shit. Speaking of birthday cake, it’s Will’s birthday today! Happy Birthday Wilson!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They present Will with a Hate Bean cake and I imagine they all have heart eyes and pat Will on the back and have a little bit of a love in over the break.

Back from the break Tully informs us that police in Kansas City are still working to find the killer of Police Officer Jason Ellis on May 26, 2013 and are looking for anyone with information to contact them at EllisCaseETips@KY.Gov and any information in helping catch the perpetrator will result in a $200,000 reward. If you or anyone you know has any information, help out, do the right thing, share this on your social media site of choice.

In the studio, the guys are joined by a new guest! Chanel West Coast, who is a rapper, musical performer type cute button of a person that Ellis knows from Rob Drydek’s Fantasy Factory and Ridiculousness. She plays a sort of ditzy girl on the shows, but in real life is pretty smart and knows what’s going on. She admits that she isn’t as dumb blonde in real life, but after watching the show she noticed she got a lot of air time with the whole ditzy thing and decided to run with it, because that’s how it’s done when you wanna be successful ladies and gentlemen. Apparently Rob came across her while she was on Myspace and after she tried to get him to come to a couple of shows he asked her if he wanted to be on his show Fantasy Factory cause he was looking for a girl to fill the role. She said yes, and I guess you could say that the rest is history. And…that’s the second time I’ve used that cliché in this recap, and I apologize, but it’s midnight and I worked 14 hours today so my brain is a little fried. Ellis kind of flirts with Chanel, but kind of doesn’t because he sees her as a little sister and he talks about how weird it is when he sees her butt on instagram. Chanel talks about he rise to music fame, playing her single for Li’l Wayne and not being afraid of anyone…except for spiders, because she saw a wicked spider bite once and ain’t no one got time for that. She talks about partying a bit, not sleeping enough, and training with her new trainer because she wants a booty like Beyoncé (because…who doesn’t) and Ellis does his very best to be gross and wig out her publicist. They play one of her songs, New Feeling, I believe it was called, and it was pretty good by Ellis’ standards, even though it isn’t really his kind of music. He can respect talent when he hears it. Or sees it. Or whatever.

Ellis was on the Dr. Drew show tonight, but when they were talking about it on the show it was under the whole, Ellis is going to be on the Dr. Drew show tonight vibe, and they talked for a couple minutes about the topics that Ellis would be (or already did) talk about on the show. First topic was a re-visit to the topic of the Affluenza Teen who really really isn’t going to jail for running down people while drunk since he had the wonderful defense of being too rich to know the definition of the word consequences and a new story involving someone named Mike Dunn who shot a teenager who told him to fuck off.

But…no one cares about that right now because Mark Magrath and Tara Beaulieu are in the studio now!!! Wooooo!!!! The show of a billion guests!!! And, now that I see her name spelled I can fucking say it!!! Thank the fucking fictional maker. Anyway. She gets yelled at by French people for how she pronounces her last name, but they can go fuck themselves because it’s her last name and she has awesome side boob. She also likes to date much younger guys and has broken up with her 19 year old boyfriend for a 22 year old boyfriend and is going to have a stripper pole installed in her house for her young lovers to perform dances on for her. Mark McGrath and Tara Beaulieu have a show together called Killer Karaoke which Mark describes as American Idol meets Fear Factor after a bad, drunk one night stand. Ellis tells Mark that he saw a part of the show once and noticed that Killer Karaoke stole his pat a predator bit. They talk a lot about how Ellis is awesome and he’s the King of the West and Mark McGrath is honestly so funny and perfect as a guest that he should fill the third chair, I thought Hubbs was going to asphyxiate he was laughing so hard. And I don’t think that I can really adequately capture that in re-cap form, so go listen to at least the end of the show on demand. They played a shortened version of Ellis Jeopardy, which was cut short due to the fact that Mark was taking the game wayyyyyyyy too seriously and the game is obviously rigged in Tully’s favor as he knows Ellis best and they have like a weird mind reading thing going on. It was hilarious though, he was snarky and funny about it. They talked about Mark being on Rock and Roll Jeopardy and he was the master of that and Mark thinks that’s when the general public started to realize that he wasn’t as big of a douche as everyone thought he was. They take calls and….oh god!!!!! I almost forgot to mention that Mark and Tara absolutely do not believe how much Ellis and Katie have sex!!!! They talk about it at the beginning of the segment and at the end and Mark absolutely refuses to believe that Ellis has sex four to five times a day with Katie. But Ellis tells Mark and Tara that he loves Katie and he went to therapy for her and that it’s her fault because she walks around half naked all of the time and is just as into sex as he is. The show goes out with Ellis defending his sex life and ends with a final caller recap, which I will admit I turned off while saying, “I don’t need to listen to him…I own him.”

What we learned on the show today:

It was either really awesome, or really shitty being Michael Jackson’s contractor

Hulk Hogan is hopefully the biggest pot head of all time

Joe Rogan wins at life and is constantly tripping balls

Utah is beautiful, but it’s because of Mitt Romney the Olympics ever happened there

Tully saw his cat and his cat was super happy to see him after three months

The Olympics in Russia might have happened because of the Russian Mafia

TJES is a temple of misogyny

Frank DeCaro would pull his dick out at the supermarket if it were larger

Only 20% of Americans said that they couldn’t live without sex

Frank DeCaro is basically just a gay CumTard

The politically correct transgender field is a minefield

HateBreed + Hate Bean + Hate Beek = Metal as Fuck

Chanel West Coast smokes a lot so that’s why she didn’t remember to text Ellis back…and that is the only acceptable excuse a person can have

Tyler Posey’s face is a 9 but his soul is an 11

Dr, Drew is Ellis’ National TV Friend…Sam Rubin knows how the game is played

Tara can’t wear a push up bra on Killer Karaoke because it’s too distracting

Ellis Jeopardy isn’t up to Mark McGrath’s Jeopardy Standards

Mark McGrath playing Ellis Jeopardy is the best/worst thing of all time and should either happen every week…or never again

Mark McGrath has a punk rock dick and loves small vaginas

Tara is creeping on young Ellisfam on Instagram

There are 3 members of ZZ Top

James Hetfield is the greatest lead singer of all time, not Chris Cornell

Ellis considers Mick Jagger to be the first cool American…lol

That guy sucked but he worked hard and built himself up and banged the hottest chick ever- Kid Rock

Ellis and Katie pee on each other and laugh about it

TRT is better than HGH- if you go to sleep on your stomach, you will wake up levitating

Shoutout and Condolences to TJES caller David- sorry for the loss of your brother, Ellisfam’s collective heart goes out to you and thank you PatriotGuard.org for doing what you do and being there for this soldier’s funeral. Spread love, not hate.

Happy Happy Birthday to Az_RedDragon who is the one who connected me to this site and a lot of you absolutely wonderful people!!!!
Happy Birthday to my brother, Scottie from NY..I love love love you and I know you had a terrible day, but hugs and kisses from me and Hubbs to you!!!!

 

Show Recap for Thursday 1/30/2014

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Welcome to the show of increasingly pregnant pauses!!!! Also known as, The Jason Ellis Show. Why is it the show of increasingly pregnant pauses? You’ll find out soon…just keep on reading!!!

Ellis opens up the show talking about how sometimes he forgets to press buttons, but he also had an epiphany and connected with his daughter, Devin, all because he listened to her singing in the car. He realized that he could connect to her over her love of music, because he, too, loves music and knows a good bit about it, and he is totally willing to listen to pop music if that’s what his daughter listens to and that’s how they can connect. He talked about Devin singing in the car and how she was unafraid to sing A Capella to Rihanna for a solid 15 minutes, and that she did a great job of it. Ellis sings in the car a lot in front of her, but not really in front of anyone else, although he did used to sing in the car with Mummy to the tunes of Justin Timberlake and his first solo album because ‘Cry Me a River’ was good shit then and it’s still some good shit now. Breaking news (but not really) One Direction is a really bad pop group, and Ellis thinks it’s a stretch to even call them a boy band because there is not one redeeming quality of any of them that would make them a decent boy band. Just sayin. All this talk about pop music gets Ellis talking about American Idol. He watches American Idol now. This season the judges include J. Lo, Nicole Kidman’s Husband, and Harry Connick Jr and Katie says that they aren’t using Ryan Seacrest as much as they used to. Ellis likes American Idol because he thinks it’s amazing to see the talent that some of the people out there have, as well as the amount of crazy some people are who are really die hard convinced that they can sing. Ellis also thinks it’s funny because J. Lo doesn’t seem to know all that much about music, and she tends to say things that make the other guys want to call her a dumb bitch, but they can’t call her a dumb bitch because it’s J. Lo and the show is on Fox. Tully isn’t surprised that J. Lo isn’t all that knowledgeable about music because out of all of her talents, her musical ability lays at the bottom. Her being hot is her number one talent, if any of you out there were wondering, and yeah, she’s a better actress than she is a singer. Ellis likes Jennifer Lopez now more than he ever did before, especially since she has been ‘letting herself go’ and there’s more of a real person leaking through the cracks of her carefully tailored facade.

In other news…Ellis is pretty convinced that the new intern, whose name I believe is Adam, is actually an undercover spy working for another radio show sent to The Jason Ellis Show to secretly record and gather intel about what goes on behind the scenes. He also thinks that (probably) Adam is secretly infatuated with him based purely on how much he hates Ellis, because it is hard to hate someone that much without also being a little bit in love with them. Tully isn’t quite sure he agrees with Ellis about this, although he wishes that it were true, and just thinks that Probably Adam hates them, hates the show, and is spending his time texting his friends about the insane shit that the monkeys on the show are doing. But…it might be a good idea to check if Probably Adam is wearing a wire. Someone, quick! Go rip open the front of Probably Adam’s shirt and see if there’s a wire taped to his newly-shaven chest!!!!! There probably is since he’s Probably Adam. That’s my opinion at least. Why doesn’t Ellis check him for a wire? Because Probably Adam really is infatuated with him and he would get too excited, whip his dick out, and start jacking off right there since he has no qualms about masturbating in public as he has pics of himself masturbating in the shower with another dude on his Instagram. Allegedly. Tully hasn’t seen the pic, but Ellis has talked about it a few times. I’m a pretty big IG troll, but I haven’t checked out Probably Adam’s account yet, so I can’t confirm if this picture exists or not, and if it did at one point, Probably Adam probably has taken it down after it was broadcast on the radio. Because, you know, probably.

Back to talking about American Idol related things, for some reason…actually, the reason is that Tully keeps trying to ask a question about it and then Ellis starts talking about something else regarding American Idol instead (it was pretty funny how many times it happened), Ryan Seacrest is fat. At least in Ellis’ opinion. Also, he really isn’t all that talented. Tully describes him as operating at his maximum capacity- meaning that what you see is what you get and Ryan Seacrest will never throw anyone for a loop. Pop Stars most likely constantly interview with him because he is a safe bet and he has never met an envelope that he would like to push. Pushing is mean, guys. Don’t ever look to Ryan Seacrest to ask Britney Spears what the fuck was going through her mind when she shaved her head, or where the bodies of Rihanna’s murder victims are….those are questions that Ellis would ask, and stars like Spears and Rihanna would never be on TJES because their managers don’t want them being asked questions of that nature. Why? It might ruin their careers. Ellis and Tully agree that celebrities should be more honest and that the world would be a much better place is super famous people came clean about things and didn’t have questions that they aren’t ‘allowed’ to be asked. Society tends to put celebrities up on a pedestal and often try to imitate them, so if celebs were more honest about themselves and the things that they did/do/are going to do then so would the rest of the people around the world. Kumbaya-ddayadda.

After calling out Jetta for checking himself out in his reflection in the glass, Ellis talks about how he wants to play Sting Pong and he doesn’t understand why it’s so hard. Why is it so hard? Because Will told Cumtard that in order for Sting Pong to be done properly they would have to have advanced notice and spend $500 of their budget to get an engineer in and mic up the prize chamber. Ellis and Tully are curious as to why there has to be so much hubbub when they could just plug an extension cord into the microphones that they already have and…broadcast from the prize chamber. In fact, to demonstrate how easy that would be, Tully plugs an extension cord into a microphone and goes to ask Will why they can’t do what he is doing at that very moment and have their game of Sting Pong. Hahahahahahahahaha. Funny, right? Ummmmm…no. Not funny at all. At least according to Mr. Will Pendarvis. Will refuses to talk to Tully in the mic in the prize chamber and instead joins Ellis in the studio where they then get into an argument about this whole schmabibble. Like….a real argument. There is a lot of yelling, a lot of reading texts between Will and Cumtard, a lot of questioning what exactly is more ‘proper’ about Will’s way versus their way, and a lot of butt hurt feelings flying around the room, smacking people in the face, and calling them pussydicks, or something. This is the cause of all of the pregnant pauses, by the way, because the dark cloud that descends onto the studio due to what was supposed to be a little pokey-fun haha joking lasts for the rest of the broadcast. Now…I listened to this part of the show twice because the first time it made me feel super uncomfortable because it was like listening to my parents argue over something stupid and listening to it the second time around let me hear it all with a more objective ear…and yeah…I am that dedicated to trying to do a quality recap, guys, but what I gathered was that Will was trying to get across that his job is to be concerned about the sound quality of the broadcast and maybe he was concerned that the mics on extension cords wouldn’t provide as high quality a sound as ones that were set up by engineers (although they sounded fine on my end) but he got super defensive when Ellis accused him of throwing up roadblocks for the show since he states “I fight so hard to tear roadblocks down for this show”. He really didn’t want to explain to Tully why exactly his way of doing things was more proper compared to the Ellis/Tully ghetto extension cord mics, and sounded like he wanted to punch Tully in the face for his persistence in asking that question. Ellis did also get super defensive at one point when he perceived Will to be attacking his bit and that’s kind of the point when the yelling really really started. It all culminated in Will telling them to fuck off and he left the studio….and the building…not to be seen nor heard from again for the rest of the broadcast.

Pregnant pause.

Tully, Ellis, and Cumtard try and talk about what the fuck just happened and how what was supposed to be a tongue in cheek funny haha five minute bit turned into that load of fuck off assery, and Cumtard feels like the prize chamber is gonna be weird now because no one has ever seen Will that pissed off before. Ever. Calls are taken from callers and some people think Will is right and others think that he is wrong. Is Will having a bad day and bummed out about something else and this just rubbed him the wrong way? We may never know. No…lie…we’ll probably find out once Will has had a chance to cool down.

Back from the break it’s time for Hollywood News. What’s in the news? Oh, by the way, Hi Mike Jasper! Anyway…Steven Segal is in the news. No, he didn’t teach another UFC fighter the best front kick of all the front kicks anyone has ever front kicked, he isn’t in the news because he has gotten so fat that his face is eating his eyes…he’s BFFs with Vladimir Putin. That’s the guy in charge of Russia, in case you didn’t know. Why is this a big deal? Probably because no one in any actual position of power in the United States rubs elbows with Putin they way that Segal does and the Olympics are being held there this year. They hate gay people, so, who would want to be friends with them, anyway? But Segal did an interview with Huckabee about how awesome Russia is and how no one should be scared of terrorist attacks during the Olympics because Segal is also BFF’s with the Russian Anti-terrorist task force (and also probably trained them) and he says that they are on top of their game (thanks to him). Speaking of fat people, Rob Kardashian (aka, the least famous of all the Kardashians and also the only one that has been confirmed to have a dong) is in the news for being fat. Really though. It’s some sort of big deal that he’s rich and fat. He’s trying to lose weight and goes to the gym all of the time and there are pics of him leaving the gym and entering the gym and he’s all fat and stuff, which is a shame since he is rich and has the means to not be fat. I bet the fat Kardashian sister is pretty happy that he’s fat since now everyone talks about him being fat instead of talking about her being fat (she isn’t fat, at all, by the way). I don’t know why anyone cares that this guy is fat and I don’t know why this is considered news. Whatever. Lindsay Lohan is also in the news because someone allegedly stole half of her $75,000 fur coat. Fuck that bitch. Fuck that bitch for having $75,000 to spend on a fucking coat. No further attention shall be afforded to that bitch from me for losing half of her third-world-feeding coat in a club cause she was probs all sorts of out of her face on drugs. In a sort of extension of Hollywood News, Tully and Ellis bring up Justin Bieber and say that everyone needs to get the fuck over it already. Agreed. Why the fuck should he be in the news for being a stupid teenager? Why are people wasting their time petitioning the White House to have him deported? Tully is right when he says that he is a product of what our society does to famous people. We love building them up and we fucking glory in their messy downfalls. He’s 19, he’s stupid, hopefully he gets some good advice, grows the fuck up, and becomes a productive member of society. Shaq is also in the news because he’s trying to keep his kids off of reality tv, which his ex wife is trying to get them on because she wants them to be on a reality show with her. Good for you, Shaq, kids shouldn’t be on reality tv.

Back from the break they were talking about something but I got distracted by BitPimps because he tweeted me to tell me that Jude gave me a shout out on PillMix and I was excited because…I have a crush on him. When my excitement died down Ellis was talking about fighting some chick in Sumo suits and Kit Cope taking it too far. But then, Tully finally got to ask his question about American Idol, which was, since American Idol has been around for so long are the people who win it now rejects from previous years? Mike Jasper says that yeah, they probably are, because he knows that when trying out for The Ultimate Fighter, there were people who had been there 3 or 4 times already trying out. So…American Idol is basically just like The Ultimate Fighter. At least, that’s what I took away from that. Tully asked Ellis if he watched Workaholics last night, and he did, and he says that it was so funny and he didn’t know that you could do the things that they do on tv. Ellis thinks that if The Jason Ellis Show wrote a television show it would be just like Workaholics, possibly funnier, especially now that he knows that you can do stuff like that on tv. Jasper asks why Ellis doesn’t get a television show like the Dish Network show and Tully asks Jasper why he just doesn’t go fight Chris Weidman on Long Island (hell yeah!!!!) and they’ll call the fight and put it on pay per view.

Next Jetta comes in to help the guys play a game of ‘This or That’ sent in by Betsy, involving the scenario if they were going to Mars to start a new civilization and they could only bring this or that which would they choose….the results are as follows:

  • Katie over Toilet Paper- cause Ellis uses baby wipes anyway you nasty dingleberry mother fuckers
  • Beatles Discography over Metallica’s Discography- cause you just have to bring The Beatles, man
  • Arnold Schwarzeneggar over Sly Stallon- cause Arnold made gyms main stream and Sly Stallone turns every woman he touches into a big pile
  • Chairs over pillows- cause shirts can be pillows and no one wants to stand all day
  • The Burger King King over Ronald McDonald- cause Ronald is basically a pedophile and murderer, the Hamburgler is a dick, and Grimace is fat
  • Gay Marriage over Chad Reed- cause Gay Rights are more important than any one man
  • The Bible over Shia Lebouf- because the Bible would help more people in the long run
  • White People over Mexicans- cause….White Power?
  • Porn over Vaporizers- cause yay porn
  • Condoms over Tacos- cause safe sex is more important than tacos, and you’ll still have fajitas
  • Shrooms over Ecstacy- cause shrooms do less damage to you
  • Blake Anderson over Dune Buggies -cause one type of car is not worth more than one human life
  • Baby Wipes over Deoderant- cause we already have no TP on Mars
  • UFC over Supercross -cause UFC, duh
  • Beer over Coffee -cause people would get too wasted on other, harder liquor
  • Neither Advil nor Baby Pictures -cause no one cares
  • Andy Dick over Steve Gutenburg- cause he would have a better reality show

There will probably be more of this game in the future, because Ellis needs more to work with on Mars than just a Beatles CD and baby wipes.

Back from the last break…Tully calls Ellis ‘Will’ and things get awkward again. There is more discussion about how they thought Will would laugh along with the rest of them, and how twitter and IG are agreeing with Will. Ellis is surprised with the hate they are getting and says that we don’t know what goes on and Tully says that 9 days out of 10 Will would have laughed along with the rest of them and they could have gotten on with the show. Wrapping up the show they talk about some news from around the world, and I missed a couple minutes of it because my app fucked up (wow, that’s 2 excuses for missed shit in one article, damn, I’m slipping) but when it kicked back in they were talking about a couple in England that after being married in the 70s got divorced in the 90s (and continuing to co-habitate) the guy found a younger chick and offered to let his ex wife to continue to live with them as a housekeeper. But, for some reason, she would rather have half of his 13 Million Pounds worth of Net Worth. In the Philippines, the police are in hot water for having a Wheel of Torture in their prison to punish prisoners with, but after Tully and Ellis review some of the ‘tortures’ they don’t seem that bad and TJES Wheel of Doom seems way worse. Wrapping up the show are, as always, final calls, which were truly abysmal tonight…lots of gibberish and gunfire…lots of death…but…not everyone can recap like us over here at NYA, after all. *pops collar*

Things we learned on TJES today:

There should be 4-6 bottles of water in the studio at the start of the show

Alpha Brain (by Onnit) has really improved Ellis’ memory and Jetta should take it

PhunckyTips are groundbreaking

Harry Connick Jr was in ID4 with Bill Pullman, Pullman is friends with the Hawk, and he’s the man

Ellis sang J. Lo’s song better than her, and that’s a fact

Will had a bad day

People in the UFC get 25 Grand if they refer to S. Segal as ‘Sensei’ (probably)

NBA players don’t have hot wives…they have hot girlfriends

Ellis wants to fight Shaq…and he would win

Ellis will be on the Radio tomorrow despite it being Howard Stern’s birthday, because Nick Swardson is already booked to be on the show and he hasn’t seen him since EM9

Mike Jasper would rather have Tacos than Condoms on Mars

If Tully thinks Ellis is right, then he’s right

If anyone was going to punch others today, it would have been Will

Ellis always smells his water because Will tried to poison him once

BitPimps is a cool dude

16 year olds have bad robbery ideas

Ellis is going to go home and punch Mike Jasper in the face

Go to PatriotGuard.org

Show Re-cap for Thursday, 1/23/2014

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Yeah…I’m starting this recap at a quarter after 11 at night, which is a full four hours (with some extra minutes thrown on top like sprinkles…because…everything is better with sprinkles) after the show ended. And, I always post the recap super late after the show. Why? You may be wondering? Well, because I drive around in a truck all day trying to fix shit and it takes me way more than four hours to listen to the show, and then when I get home I have to be a mom because the baby comes home on Thursday and I can’t find it in myself to ignore him after he’s been gone for two whole days and is beyond excited to see Jenny and Daddy…so I run around being the Robin to his Batman, the Craig to his Sanjay, and the Hermione to his Ron until I can put him to bed, cook dinner, and then negotiate rubs with Joe because I want to get this done and can’t his massage wait until after I’m finished typing because I swear on all that is Ho–no wait…I’m an atheist…I swear on all that is the Chubby Bub that if he waits until after I’m done then the rubs will be extra good? Yeah…that’s what I’m getting at. I swore on the life of my kid that I would give him a bitchin’ massage so long as I could get this done first. For you, ellisfam, for you.

Now…to your regularly scheduled programming…

Welcome to Thursday’s edition of The Jason Ellis Show where anything goes!!! Well, for one thing, Ellis’s youth is going- far, far away, as far as he will tell it, for he now has white hair a-sproutin’ on his ball sac. He finds it weird, but kind of funny, and now his balls sort of remind him of Santa Claus. Santa does carry a sack…so…works for me. Jason also says that he thinks that he is weirdly tan for a white guy, must be all the drugs, and that makes the white hair poking out of the flesh of his testicles even more weirdly amusing. Tully, who is not wearing shoes and is laying on the floor of the studio because once upon a time he said that he was going to do that, thinks that ball hair is the single most grotesque element of the male figure. Damn. But he’s enjoying laying on the studio floor so long as he doesn’t look at himself in the mirrored ceiling. Ellis disagrees with Tully about ball hair….as long as it’s white ball hair, because white ball hair is about as offensive as eyelashes. Tully has really light hair on his nuts- a pretty strawberry blonde hue, which is also pretty offensive- and they start talking about selling pubic hair creations on the one site where anything is possible so far as crafting goes- Etsy.

Ellis starts talking about his Porsche that he’s had for about a year now and how he (Katie) accidentally found secret compartments in the doors that he didn’t know were there- because he’s a man and men don’t read manuals, especially when you’re a man who can hardly read anything- and they were chock full of goodies left there by the previous owner, the illustrious Thomas Hayden Church. There was some speak of goodies that are oftentimes held by lanyards which brought Will into the studio in a flurry of lanyard excitement and we were treated to hearing some more from our new favorite one man band HateBean. Will then tells Ellis and Tully how he got a really angry phone call from a Faction listener at 7:30 in the morning about HateBean being played too much on Faction and he was pissed about it and gave the caller another number to call, when we all know that he should have given the caller the information for the website link to the Faction Board of Directors aka the appropriate place to talk about the music that is played on Faction- according to Will. Then Will had shit to do and left the studio paving the way for Tully to tell us about his visit to the dentist this morning. Tully admittedly has horrible teeth and hates going to the dentist and says that usually it’s a big ordeal and doesn’t get the normal order for a 6 month check up and is instead told that he should come back the next month- supposedly to have some teeth yanked out of his face. Ellis tells him that he should get silver teeth, and I agree, because that’s kind of hot. But they should be pointy, because if you’re gonna go for a mouth full of metal teeth, you may as well go pointy and scare me a little. Tully said that the dental hygienist girl was cute and he engaged in some innocent flirting with her (read- he talked about his kid since that’s his go-to small talk, but probably did it with a really awkward grin on his face stretched around that plastic thing they shove in your mouth to keep you from biting the dentist) and everything was going okay in the flirting department until she looked in his mouth and the tide changed. He got a cleaning today and left the office with a sour stomach after swallowing all of the gunk the dentist scraped off his molars and the hygienist neglected to suck out of his mouth. Ew. That’s wayyyyyyyy more offensive than white ball hair. Christian pops up in the prize chamber and he is going to be on the show tomorrow…and for a while today since he’s there and Ellis starts talking to him about HateBean and Will being a modern day Beck, at which point i tuned out a little because Joe spit on me (sort of on accident) and we were laughing about that for a bit. Because for some reason that was really funny, and it’s funnier now since it’s sort of like foreshadowing. For what? Wait and see, my friends, wait and see…

In Hollywood News….Justin Bieber was arrested in Florida this morning, in Miama, for drag racing while under the influence of being Justin Bieber. Or drugs…probably drugs. He resisted arrest, admitted to smoking pot and taking some prescription meds and failed the field sobriety test. He was driving a yellow Lamborghini that he had rented and he and the car that he was ‘racing’ were pulled over for doing 60 in a 35. Fast and Furious that one is. The real reason he got pulled over? The cop wanted to make a dick out of him for doing 60 in a car that can go around 200 MPH and reveal the Biebs for the little weenie that he is.

Ellis is still sick, but he feels awesome today, compared to the death that he was feeling over the past week. The kids are also on the mend and Ellis made an offhand comment about how someone stole his phone this morning and didn’t want to give it back. Wait. What? I’m envisioning a scenario where caps are gonna bust asses when he first says it, but it turns out that when Ellis was sropping McSpiegels off at school this morning a lady outside of the school asked to borrow his phone because she HAD to make a call right that second. Ellis, being the good guy that is buried under all those tattoos somewhere, lent the lady his phone so she could make her call. Let the foot tapping begin. The lady starts walking off and chatting in another language, and Ellis starts walking Tiggs to the school, as they were both generally going in that direction. Enough time for an ’emergency’ phone call to be said and done, but the lady is still talking and Ellis gets the lady’s attention to try and say ‘Hey, this is where I’m going, give me back my phone’ and she goes to follow him into Tiger’s school. Ellis manages to stop her without being all “what the fuck are you doing?” (which is my go-to) and eventually gets his phone back from the lady- who acts all put out about it. Seriously, bitch? But, I mean, this is Beverly Hills, and she was a Beverly Hills lady, so of course she felt entitled to go chit chatting away on some strangers phone and how dare he have places to be and need that phone back!!!!!!! They talk about bitches in Beverly Hills and the surrounding areas and how they have a rampant sense of self-entitlement, which is probably aided by prescription medication, and tend to bump into cars and run over dogs without stopping because, well, your Porsche isn’t even this year’s model you low-life.

Christian and Ellis are the fattest that they have ever been in their lives, which is already sort of kind of untrue because Ellis started the Dolce Diet two days ago and he is already feeling better about himself. Huntington Beach Bad Boy (who popped up in the studio about two and half minutes prior to this) started the Dolce Diet four weeks ago and he has lost some weight, is looking good, feeling great, and shows off his abs to Ellis, Tully, and Christian. Ellis talks about how Dolce hit the nail on the head with the whole ‘eat frozen grapes at night’ thing, which Ellis had been skeptical about, and also texted Ellis a new snack idea consisting of that weird bread they eat that I don’t want to try and spell right now, almond butter, and strawberries. Ellis tells Christian about Tyler Posey being their new band mate and how it’s great because even if TyPo can’t make it for a show, they just need to throw a wolf costume on someone and tell him not to tweet for an hour and all of the bases will be covered.

Back from the break Nick Gullo (@NickTheTooth on tweeeeeter) is in the studio. Do you know who he is? Because I didn’t, but he’s been friends with Dana White since they were kids and he wrote a book about all things behind the UFC scenes called Into the Cage: The Rise of the UFC Nation. Sounds like a pretty interesting book filled with all sorts of goodies that no other press has ever gotten their hands on because they don’t have connections like someone who has been friends with the founder of the UFC organization since childhood. Ellis says it has a lot of really cool photos that he can’t wait to look at later in life when he has some extra time on his hands. Nick the Tooth was a really great guest and if you didn’t get a chance to hear him, my recap will do him no justice, so hopefully you can listen to it on demand. They talked about him being able to pull of the ‘look’ of missing a tooth from the front of his face, lotslotslotslots of UFC stuff including a story about how he fought/sparred/tussled with Joe Lauzon in the actual octagon after a drunken dinner fight between Nick and someone wearing a Lauzon shirt, Dana White’s dark side, the evolution of the UFC, boxing, kickboxing, training, and all of that awesome good face-punching stuff. Like I said, I really enjoyed him as a guest and I could basically transcribe the entire segment, but it still wouldn’t be the same as listening to it. Grappling. He called it a grappling match with Joe Lauzon!! I remembered the word!!! Nick does apparently want a rematch of that grappling match, where he was submitted 6 times by Lauzon, because he believes that he can get it down to being submitted 5 times as he trains and he won’t be hungover next time.

Back from the next break….there is another guest who Will is super excited about having on the show because he loooooooooooooves her. Dillion Harper, is not just any Porn Star, she is the 22 year old Porn Star of Naughty Nanny fame whom Will is absolutely over the moon for!!! During this segment I am basically imagining him as having the heart eyed emoji for a face throughout with his hands clasped in front of him in a plea to God that this moment in his life never ever ever end. Or at least he would, if Ellis and Tully didn’t make the whole experience an absolutely terrible ordeal for him by asking him normal questions that anyone would ask like, ‘what do you like most about her’ .Will says that he likes her eyes and her personality (which really sets my creeper radar off because normally a guy would be like ‘she has awesome tits’ and he’s seriously moon eyed for her to the point where he’s trying to talk about a porn star’s acting ability) but eventually is cajoled by Tully into pointing at which part of her he really likes on a picture. It’s her boobs. Biiig surprise there. Ellis asks to see her boobies so that he can get an accurate idea of how fabulous they are, and judges them to be just about the best boobies in America. And yes, they are all hers.

After Dillion leaves the studio it’s time for a game. With no name. But it might be named What’s in my Box? The jist is that listeners call into the show and choose either option A- to receive a prize, or B- to torture Cumtard. The catch is that you don’t know if the prize that you will be receiving is awesome or awesomely bad, but the torture is guaranteed to be awesome. Callers call, the first prize is a Jason Ellis/RDS t-shirt to the selfish selfish man who would rather have a prize than be entertaining and then Cumtard is tortured by way of eating a bug-filled sandwich, drinking tea brewed by the sole of a random shoe found on the bus, having his armpits simultaneously waxed, having his pubes glued to his face Hitler-stache style, and having Ellis hock a big sick loogie across his face (see!!! there’s the bit that was foreshadowed!). Cumtard takes it all in stride, because he is awesome that way, and describes the sensations of each torture. The descriptions get worse, but more entertaining, as they turn into shrieks and screams which are dutifully narrated by Tully while Cumtard Purell’s his face and neck after being spit upon with the spunk from Ellis’ sick lungs. The last, of I believe 2, to get a prize is Allie, who is 39 and not massive, and she wins a voicemail recording from Jason Ellis himself with background music of Cumtard being shocked. It was a great recording with Cumtard screaming in the background and reached its peak of hilarity (in mine and Will’s opinion) when he starts screaming ‘after the beep’ multiple times, his voice rising an octave with each exclamation. This could be the birth of a ‘freaky sounds’ app.

Ellis’s new book is due out in a couple of weeks and has gotten its first review from Publisher’s Weekly, which Tully has heard of, and it’s a very good review. Tully is happy that they manage to see the true meaning underneath the comedy and so far as Ellis is concerned, he doesn’t ever want to hear another review of his book because that one was so awesome. They call it ‘entertaining’ and Ellis talks about how he didn’t write it- he lived it, which is awesome because it’s kind of a stock phrase for writers and Ellis makes it funny on multiple levels as he did in fact live it, and no, he did not write the book- we all know that Tully did. They get to talking about Noel Gallagher and Oasis and how he did commentary of sorts of videos that Oasis did back in the day. His commentary is hilarious in how scathing it is, how drunk he was the whole time he was shooting music videos, and Ellis and Tully agree that Oasis is cool and so is Noel Gallagher. Back to talking about the book, Ellis wants to do a stunt for the book’s release to help draw attention to himself, the radio show, the book, and SiriusXM, and he and Tully muse about ways to make it happen. The ideal setting, they conclude, would be in New York City (yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! I swear to Sol that I will fucking be there if this is true!!!!!!) in front of or in the SiriusXM fishbowl where he will attempt to escape an enclosure before snakes can be dropped on him to bite him. They talk about getting press there, creating the spectacle, and getting on tv shows. The show wraps up with them going through the buttons and I seriously zoned out because they were playing sounds for a solid 15 minutes. Some choice commentary during this time includes: “Irish Jazz- the worst of all worlds” “that’s a theme, not a song” “you can hear his dick playing the guitar” “Jetta’s intro music may have been found” “easily Robin Hood’s balls” and “Necro….til I die”. Finally, Ellis announces that they are going to try something new and calls Cumtard in. Cumtard attempts to ahem ::cough cough:: recap the show…and he kind of really badly flops. Sorry Cumtard…this is my gig…on Thursdays, anyway…

here is how it’s done-
Things We Learned on the Show Today:

White ball hair is as inoffensive as eyelashes

Will loves injecting mystery to create drama

Be prepared to suffer the consequences if you as Kevin for a ride home on New Comic Book Wednesday

Will is a modern day Beck

There should be a hidden camera show that revolves around people borrowing strangers phones for as long as possible to see how long they can last

There are only 3 ages in Beverly Hills: young, old, and somewhere in the middle

Rich guys marry 25yo’s because they are just done listening

Huntington Beach Bad Boy can’t pick up a Boston Terrier

Hairless cats are fucking awesome and can relate to humans better since they don’t look like all the other cats

Donald Schultz got engaged (congrats!)

You can throw water into the air in subzero temperatures and it will freeze before it hits the ground (if you’re gonna try, it works best with hot water because the hotter water is the faster it freezes because science is fun like that)

Turn the WiFi up!

Am I gay or not? You decide!

You should never post your own wanted sign to taunt cops on Facebook and then meet a woman for drinks 45 minutes later

Sicilians are black

Sicilians are in the mob

Lubing up before a grappling match is not a good idea

Dana White is Dana White as you see him. No bullshit.

If something doesn’t save boxing soon, it’s going to be too late

Bloody Face is the most distracting thing in the octagon

There is an Instagram TJES/RDS giveaway…go check @wolfmate for details

Dillion Harper is probably not a good driver, but she’s a lovely person

Will’s ex wife doesn’t listen to the show, but she does ridicule him afterward (:/)

Bug Sandwiches taste like sawdust

Raw Oysters make Will vomit like Cumtard vomits for onions

HateBean has a twitter acount. So does Hate_Bean.

If you walk around with your pubic hair, it will be used against you

Oasis is cool

Randomly suggest nonsense, and music video directors will film it

Tully can’t get down the street because David Blaine is on a pole

Tweet @jasonellisshow the music that you want to hear on Faction tomorrow

Go to patriotguard.org

 

PatriotGuard

Show Recap for Thursday 1/16/2014

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Ahem…ahem…let me preface this by apologizing for the lack of links…my puppy chewed apart my laptop charger and I am posting this from an iPad and anytime I click the hyperlink button it erases a paragraph of what I just wrote…so…no.

Secondly, Dan, you may or may not be the alleged creator of the don’t die show recap and the lone speaker for all those who have real jobs and can’t sit around taking notes (I personally wish that I thought as highly of myself as you do, by the way), but No You Are perfected the art of TJES recap, and this is how it’s done:

Ellis is “that dude” and it’s been a long ass time since he took a good look at the hole (haha…see what I did there?) but he’s pretty secure about it. He’s also pretty secure about how fat he is right now, but Mike Dolce is going to be on the show today and will probably turn that right around. Coincidence? I think not! There’s always emotions when a penis goes into a vagina, no matter what level of cold-hearted bitch status you have achieved in life, and that’s why it may be difficult for girls to have strictly sexual, no-feeling relationships with guys. Ellis says he believes that it can work for girls for a certain stretch of time in their lives, but for it to be on-going…he’ll go right ahead and call bullshit on that one. Men can have a hard time battling emotions when it comes to having sex with a girl, especially a really hot girl, and yeah, that’s a little girly…but there’s nothing wrong with being a little bit girly in different aspects of your life. Consequently….there’s definitely room for some girliness in life when you’re awesome enough for RCH racing to give you a motorbike, which will be delivered to your workplace so that you may perform burn-outs, get carbon monoxide poisoning and cause damage to your surroundings much to the chagrin of your boss. Breaking Shit My Pants MMA News is next on the agenda at the good ol’ Jason Ellis Show because there were fights on last night brought to you by the wonderful folks over at FoxSports1. Tully mentions that the Venezuelen Vixen, who won the Ultimate Fighter this past season, was in the crowd and was looking beautiful. She was also aware of her beauty and when the camera panned on her she took the opportunity to flip her hair over her shoulder and reveal her decidedly non-cauliflower ears. Cause Venezuelan bitches have great fucking ears. Onto the actual fight part of MMA News, Ellis wanted to talk about something that everyone should be talking about, but no one was- the fact (because we’re just gonna take this one as fact) that Yoel Romero- an Olympic Silver Medalist Wrestler turned MMA fighter- shit his teeny purple lycra pants and won his fight against Derek Brunson. And really…there is no denying that he shit his pants. Tully, a self-touting ‘you shit yourself’ expert who is two years deep in shit experience to the date, agrees with Ellis that there is no other explanation other than Romero rocket sharted during the fight. Romero allegedy denied that he defecated in his shorts, but everyone who was in attendance, everyone in the locker room, and basically everyone online agrees that no, it was not water and sweat, it was stinky poopie schmear. Why is no one really talking about it? Probably has something to do with the fact that this guy, who is a walking specimen of what fitness and muscle should look like is…well…a walking specimen of what fitness and muscle should look like and is fully capable of beating the shit out of you so that you too could know what it felt like to fight with poopie pants. Some calls were taken on the subject, a scientific justification was given for pants shitting during fighting using the parasympathetic nervous system fight or flight response, and everyone agrees that he made a poopie. Ellis isn’t really trying to rag too hard on the guy, because hey, shit happens.

Ellis, Tully,and Cumtard are heading to Vegas after the show tonight (and are probably already there by the time that I am typing this) in order to attend the AVN’s and hang out with porn stars. Tully feels slightly bad about this as today is Little Dude’s second birthday and Daddy will be spending it in Vegas at a porn convention. But hey, chances are Little Dude will have absolutely no memory of this so…Party On Tully! After Ellis gets back from Vegas he is gonna hang with his kiddies and hopefully do some fun things, so long as his kids are feeling better. Because they are sick. They were apparently up on and off throughout the night last night and Daddy Ellis was doing his best to take care of them and be the good daddy that he is. Their mummy wanted them to go to school this morning, but after being up all night with them Daddy Ellis made the big N-O call on that one, but when he tried to call Mummy to pick them up so he could go to work, he wasn’t able to get in touch with her. He called and texted and called and texted and was starting to think that he would have to call Tully and tell him that they would be doing an extremely PG rated show in a box full of germs when Mummy finally called him back. Why wasn’t she answering her phone? Because she was also sick and had slept in past 10 AM. Ellis can’t even imagine sleeping until 10 in the morning because he is 42. I can’t imagine sleeping past 10 AM because I have a 4 year old who will tell you that it’s morning and time to wake up if he wakes up at 3 AM. Fucking kids. Good thing they’re cute.

Someone from Mattel, who Will isn’t sure if they can share the name, sent a package to Tully and Ellis bursting with toys for the kiddos, which was awesome and made them both really awesome daddies in the eyes of their offspring. Tully used the toys to dissuade Little Man from going outside when it was cold (read: cold in LA means that it was probably a balmy 65 degrees out), and Daddy Ellis had it all in his car to keep the kids busy on the ride from Mummy to Daddy’s house. Win. Will comments that the people who listen to the show (or you know, read about the show on really awesome websites run by some really awesome people) who never hesitate to spend time, effort, and money to send things to everyone at TJES, and really are a tight knit group who help each other out and genuinely care for one another. Ellisfam is amazing. Case closed.

Ellis wants to freeze his blood in Red Dragons ice cube trays and put them in Katie’s drinks because that is so twistedly romantic. I’m a girl. I get it. *Heart eyes* Will has a gigantic problem with the thought of this and suggests that instead, Ellis makes a paperweight out of his blood, because it will last longer. No. No, Wilson. No. He wants to be inside his hot chick without having to be inside his hot chick. And it would take a really awesome picture. Tully suggests that Ellis make a blood snow globe instead, but Ellis would have to dilute the water to see whatever is inside and that is lame as hell. Tully wants to know how Ellis plans on getting a good quantity of blood out of himself in order to make the blood-cubes and it seems like Ellis just wants to shove a hypodermic into his veins and suck it out. Like a man. And no, Will, he won’t be shooting bubbles of air into his veins so that he dies of an air embolism. smh. Will comments that the Red Cross won’t take blood from gay people and thinks it’s kind of weird, but they’ve always been that way, and Tully kind of backs that decision. It’s probably not because the Red Cross hates gay people, and has more to do with the fact that homosexuals, unfortunately, run a statistically higher risk of contracting some very unkind diseases that people don’t want in their donated blood (or at least those were the statistics at the time the Red Cross made this policy, I’m not really sure if they have changed). For the record, the Red Cross won’t take blood from a lot of different kinds of people- people who recently traveled out of the country, people who have been pierced or tattooed within the past year, and people who smell funny. I may have made that last one up.

Tully received his Faction Board of Directors survey in his email this morning, and like a good listener (who doesn’t listen), he filled it out and pressed the send button. Will informs him that the survey he received this morning is just a phase one survey and that there will be a more in depth one to come, which will also include questions about TJES. Apparently Will thinks there are some things about the show that should change (which he won’t tell us on air because he does not want to taint our weak minds) and he thinks that there are some things that we listeners may want to change as well, feedback is a good thing, yadda yadda. I’m really not going to go into the ensuing conversation because it was a re-hashing of something I re-capped either last week or the week before (not entirely sure…I just know I was sitting outside the house of someone’s whose pipes had burst that we were trying to fix and waiting for backup from a frenchman while I was listening to it) and if you wanna know what Ellis, Tully, and Will’s stances are on the whole Faction Board of Directors/what’s being played on Faction issue you can go read that. You’re welcome. Thank you.

Back from the first break Kenda Perez is on the phone waiting to talk some more MMA news. Ellis thinks that Kenda is awesome because she is super hot and she laughs at his joke, and a man feels good when a hot lady laughs at his jokes. She was watching the fights in Georgia last night in person, like someone dedicated to their job would do, and she didn’t notice that Romero had pooped his pants while she was watching the fight, but her BFF texted her about it real-time, and she said that everyone in the crowd knew about it and was talking about it. Apparently, the locker room was not smelling so nice following the fight, someone thought that someone had vomitted, and yeah…he’s not getting away from the fact that he shit his pants. They talked some more about the fights, and every fought good, and I have a really hard time paying attention to MMA news because I enjoy MMA but I don’t know anyone’s name, I just know they punch each other in the face and bleed a lot. Romero punched his opponent in the dick and was all ‘hahaha’ about it, and Kenda thinks that he punched Bronson because he shit himself…which makes sense to no one but the lovely Kenda herself. Tully summed up an MMA match quite well astonishing both Ellis and Kenda who talked about taking a break and getting a drink and letting Tully keep on talking about MMA news since he did such a good job and I don’t know what he said cause Hubbs’ started talking to me about something. I don’t remember what Hubbs said at this point either, if that makes you feel any better. Before Kenda gets off the phone she mentions that she is back home in Newport Beach (thank God because it was cold as fuck in Georgia) and is in her bikini bottoms and a Nirvana tank top because she is going to hang up and then go sit by the pool. She asks Ellis for some shirts so she can make them look sexy and represent poolside. I made a joke to Hubbs that she was just going to sit by the pool because she’s a girl and God forbid she actually goes in the water and messes up her hair, or makeup, or whatever…and I can say that because I am a girl.

Ellis has changed his mind about poetry being lame because poetry is an art form (however douchey it may be) and it takes passion….so all of you poets out there are now in the clear so far as Ellis is concerned. This somehow morphs into Tully and Ellis discussing which sports are actually sports and which sports are games, or skills, or activities, or what have you. Tully’s rule of thumb for sport classification is that sports need to have sustained cardio to be considered real sports. Baseball doesn’t make the cut for him, but Ellis disagrees. Football is a sport- along with running, swimming, MMA, Sumo Wrestling, and porn. Will asks whether spear-chucking is a sport (aka the Javelin Throw) and Ellis and Tully call him out for his racist comment. Will splutters that he wasn’t being racist and that he is very sensitive to racist comments…when he isn’t spewing them. Hubbs had to explain to me why ‘spear-chucking’ is a racist comment to say…and I say that, because of that, I am the least racist person in this room right now. So…I beat the puppy…because Joe is in the shower. Ping Pong may or may not be a sport, paintball is definitely not a sport, and everybody knows that curling is not. a. fucking. sport. Duh.

Tully tells us that somewhere in Arizona a mother was walking around with her toddler when her toddler toddled across the cover for a septic tank which then buckled under the extreme weight of said toddler, and the baby fell in to poopie soup. While the mommy was standing there screaming “My baby! My baby!” A good samaritan didn’t stop to think before shedding his shoes and jumping in after the toddler. The man successfully rescued the fallen toddler with the help of a couple other good sams. who showed up, and the blue faced baby who had been under for several minutes was successfully resuscitated at the seen by one of the helpful passers-by who didn’t just pass by. The initial good samaritan had been released from prison only two weeks earlier and has definitely made a good start on his journey to turn his life around. It’s always good to save a baby.

Mike Dolce is in the studio today to talk to Ellis about ways to be less fat :D and he is Mega in the UFC game. He is the one that all the winners turn to when they want to be winners and cut weight- the right way. Mike Dolce- developer of the Dolce Diet (go figure)- tells Ellis that instead of eating fistfuls of candy at night he should eat some frozen red grapes to satisfy his late night sugar cravings. And why does Ellis crave sugar so hard at night? Because sugar is fuel and is brain fuel and after a long day of talking on the radio and not eating so good in the middle of the day, he needs to satisfy his brain’s need for fuel. Boom. Now Ellis has a good alternative to crunching malted milk balls that won’t wake Katie up in the middle of the night. Dolce next tackles Tully’s lunch and gives him a hi five for his salmon, but says that it’s all down hill from there since he is eating it with bleached flour pasta. Tully only eats white pasta because that’s what Italians eat and there sure as hell isn’t wheat pasta being home made by people in Italy. And Diet Coke is poison. There are four books by Mike Dolce on fitness and dieting, and if you want to get into a good exercise routine you should visit UFCFit.com and get the workout DVDs which are great for people who have been living the sedentary lifestyle for 6 months to 2 years. Dolce says that the key to being more healthy is to hold yourself accountable, to set reasonable goals, eat based on your hunger and activity levels, eat to feel satisfied- not ‘full’, and to plan on being 1% better today than you were yesterday. When asked by Tully what food choices may have made Romero shit his pants during a fight Dolce replies, “I don’t know, it wasn’t me!” Which made me laugh for a solid five minutes.

Back from the break Tully informs us that the man who was a victim of anal probing thanks to police has reached a financial settlement of 1.6 million dollars. Ellis thinks that the police who subjected him to this anal horror should be anal raped for two straight days in penance, but we all know that isn’t going to happen. Tully states that no one has ever been able to sufficiently explain to him why the old ‘eye for an eye’ policy just won’t work. I think Ghandi had some words about Hammurabi’s Famous Code, although I don’t think that’s really the best explanation either. Ellis hopes that the man doesn’t have to pay taxes on his settlement, and Tully asks that if someone well versed in law, like a lawyer, is listening if they can call the show and let everyone know about that. A lawyer does not call…or maybe one does and can’t get through because no one is answering the phones. Will says that it’s his fault, but Ellis and Tully give him shit for it because the phones were being answered more often when there was one intern and now there are two producers. Ellis and Tully want to have a superbike race and Will thinks that’s a bad idea and that he is ‘that creepy guy’ at the mall. But he probably isn’t. Tully breaks the news that the Philly police have arrested the Swiss Cheese Masturbator, and let’s us know that this isn’t the first time that he has been arrested for dairy related sex crimes. Apparently in 2009 he was arrested for propositioning a woman on the street with 20 bucks to rub a brick of cheese on his Johnson. As the show winds down they talk about going to Vegas and the AVN’s, take calls from final callers who still don’t understand how phones work, and try to persuade Will to accompany them to Vegas.

What we learned on the show today:

Shit happens

If you’re going to shit yourself under pressure- the place to do it is the Olympics

Phil is the guy from Mattel who sent all the toys….good job Phil!!

SiriusXM Canada subscribers should take their issues to President Sasquatch

Ellis had his liver lacerated from being kicked in the liver

The Awesome Guide to Being Awesome is out on 2/18/2014…go to Amazon.com and pre-order your copy today!!!

Ellis is excited about Moto. Tully still isn’t

Tully likes when Little Dude watches sports with him

Paintball-not a sport “My leg is orange…I’m not going to make it…go on without me”

It’s funny to get kicked in the face by a baby

The Dolce Diet has been proven to be the most successful way to cut weight

Ellis did the Dolce Diet and felt secure enough to take his shirt off

If you’re hungry at night eat frozen red grapes, smoothies, or raw nuts

College food is Prison food. Really.

Yoel Romero is a 36 year old muscle on a diet of death, murder, and babies

Never stand up and bang with a nugget

Ellis was really gassed out for his EM9 fight, but everything that went wrong made it that much better overall (because Ellisfam is amazing)

Mike Dolce is a great human being bringing men everyone great asses on women

Cumtard says passing a kidney stone is the male equivalent to giving birth

All the guys are bringing to Vegas is a bag full of pills and a block of Finlandia

New Shock-Taco-Cumtard-Vomit Video on Ellismania.com

Guys with tattoos like Ellis laugh at ‘guys with tattoos’ like Cumtard

A caller will get mad TJES if he’s willing to shit himself in a restaurant

A blacksmith is less gay in a sweet leather vest (according to Cumtard the Cumtardian)

Will is hustling to the store to get some swiss cheese before shuffling out to vegas

Ellis will be at the Hard Rock in Vegas tomorrow, naked, covered in Viagra tongue melt strips…if you’re interested

Go pre-order Ellis’s new book on Amazon

Go get Jude’s book Hyena while you are at it

Visit PatriotGuard.org

Sign up for Ellismania.com

 

Dan- you have been served…and I’m a fucking amateur ’round these here parts

*drops the mike…walks offstage*

Show Recap for Thursday 1/9/2014

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Fucking SiriusXM app. Try again. Fucking shit. Check password. God Damn It To Fucking Hell You Shitball Fucking App! Check twitter. Fuck. Are you serious? Fuck!! Damnshitfuck!! Check app. Check twitter. Check app. Repeat ad nauseum for one hour.

Yeah, that’s how the show began for me, so, if you are one of the many listeners who experienced the same thing and were coming here to find out what you missed…I’d apologize if I weren’t still pissed off. And why am I still pissed off? Because the app imploded toward the end of the show as well and left me high and fucking dry. Of course. Oh, except for the last six minutes. It came back to life for the last six minutes. Because, why not?

Our good friend Jude is in the studio by the time my app decided to start working and for a while I was genuinely soothed by the dulcet tones of his voice because I’m a girl and he’s a guy with a sexy voice and Hubbs wasn’t around to talk to me with his similarly fucking amazing brown sugar butter voice. I came in right smack in the middle of a conversation that I’m not sure I really wanted to know all that much about where Cumtard was talking about drinking a blood blister and Ellis’s headphones kept cutting out. Tully doesn’t think that it would be too bad to suck the juice out of a blood blister if he was getting a blowjob at the same time, but Ellis thinks that it would be better if he drank bloody blister juice before or after receiving a blowjob as to not taint the deed itself. Jude agrees with Ellis more than Tully, though he probably wouldn’t do blood blister sucking at all because he is super not into bodily fluids, and would rather just get the blowjob or have sex. Which turns ironic when Cumtard brings up a story from Jude’s new book Hyena. And yeah…that is the link to go buy it off of Amazon, because you should. Anyway…let me do this up right:

*Cue the epic movie background music*
Much like today, when Jude was a young boy of about 18 or 19 he enjoyed getting laid. At this particular time in his life the object of his affections was a youthful lady moved to the city who banged a lot of black dudes because those are kind of a novelty when you move to the city from SmallTown America. After some vociferous lovemaking on her part, she became pregnant with an unwanted love child and Jude valiantly agreed to be the one to take the young lass to the abortion clinic. Jude, being well versed in life on the mean streets of a big city was familiar with the abortion process, despite his rather young age, and knew that this sweet, young piece of ass would be out of commission for a few weeks following the procedure and the morning of, decided that he would try to get one last sac romp in. As the maiden was not quite in the mood to make the beast with two backs Jude employed all of the tricks in his book in order to get her to consent to being pounded, finally settling on eating her out, as she had been doing black guys and they don’t eat pussy. Apparently. Anyway *cue the rise in dramatic music* Jude sets to work and notices that something is not tasting not quite right. In fact, it tastes like pennies and fish, but he powers through it because he really wants to get laid. Like really. And sometimes you just have to power through that shit. But the taste continues, in fact, it gets worse, so he decides to get on to the pounding (albeit somewhat distracted by remnants of the taste in his beard). Jude takes the girl to the clinic and five minutes after walking in, she comes back out- not because she has decided to keep the baby….but because *throw some drums in there movie music guy…and maybe some horns and cymbals* she had a miscarriage. Bumbumbum BA-DUM!!!!!! If you can’t make the leap…Jude ate miscarried baby goop out of some bitch’s cookie back in the day. Yeah. He did. No wonder he isn’t a fan of bodily fluids. How did the relationship go after that and the utterly silent half hour car ride home? Let’s just say that there’s really no coming back from eating miscarriage product straight from the source…but he still got to drive her car. *Fade to black*

You’re welcome.

Next up on The Jason Ellis Show, Ellis wants to talk about how if he can’t have his own Jason Ellis channel he will overtake Faction to the point where it’s The Jason Ellis Show Channel anyway. What does this mean? He wants the fans of the show and listeners of Faction to really be heard about the music that gets played on Faction and to get the shit music off of the station and sent into the abyss of being played on some other SiriusXM channel. How can this happen? Well, one thing that can be done is for listeners to go here and sign up to be on the Faction Board of Directors where you fill out surveys about the music that gets played on the channel. This, rather simple topic spirals into a lengthy debate/discussion between Ellis, Will, and Tully about Ellis talking about it on the radio and possibly influencing or ‘tainting’ the results of the survey. The gist? Will says that Ellis has a lot of influence and that if he says to listeners “go and vote to get Beck taken off of Faction rotations” that we mindless automatons will go and vote and get Beck taken off of Faction. Which, really isn’t a bad thing, but I guess Will is more afraid of an “insert name of marginally popular band in place of Beck” proclamation of abhorrent suckiness that will get an okay or even more than okay band or song kicked out of the rotation because we are mindless and Ellis says so. What Will wants, what Ellis and Tully want, is for the listeners of Faction to be as happy about the music played on Faction as possible. Obviously there is no making everyone happy about everything all of the time, but, as close as possible is what they’re all aiming for. Calls on the subject are taken. People love 311, people hate 311, everyone hates Beck, someone makes a restaurant analogy that doesn’t quite make sense to me, and a mindless automaton calls (which probably shook Wilson to the bone). Talking about the music played on air, while on the air, qualifies as the worst torture imaginable for Will so Tully and Ellis play some songs that are currently played on the station and pass their judgement in as non-influential way possible.

Back from the break Ellis and Tully are joined in the studio by Jim Florentine and…nope…just him for now cause the other guy is dropping a deuce. Jim Florentine has a really hot wife who Ellis still can’t believe is married to him because she can do so much better as she is smart, beautiful, and really put together and Jim Florentine is…Jim Florentine. Don Jamieson (the guy who just took a shit) joins the party and they talk about how sometimes it’s better if you’re with a woman who’s taste doesn’t run too similar to yours because then you aren’t surprised when shit that you like she hates and vice versa. Tully points out that if you both like metal, then you probably don’t both like the same kind of metal, and if you’re girl says she doesn’t like the new Sabbath even though she likes metal well, then, she just has to die. And that’s messy. And no one wants that. It would be much easier if she liked country and you knew she didn’t like it because she doesn’t effing understand it anyway. Ellis asks Jamieson about himself because he already knows Florentine and apparently Don Jamieson is a guy from Jersey who makes dick jokes that owns 6 guitars and can’t play them. But really, they are on the show because they are comedians with a show on VH1 called That Metal Show and they are funny ass fucks who love metal. They talk a lot about getting laid, how the pickup line “Hey, do you want to sit on my face?” still works (with an apparent 1/10 girl odds in a college bar, in case you were wondering), and farts. I really wasn’t surprised about the pickup line story because the guy I’ve been with for the past 3 or 4 years or whatever got me with the fabulous pick-up “I want to hump your face” because I’m the bitch who says back, “that’s because I have a very humpable face” with the story ending in a hotel room at dawn after no sleep and lots of face humping and other activities. True Story.

Back to Ellis (because no, I’m not trying to create fun and interesting filler to fill the void created in this recap and my life by the SiriusXM app. Not. Notnotnot.) Jim Florentine has never seen the hole of his own ass, or the hole of his wife’s ass. He is more disappointed about one than the other. Apparently his wife is not in to butt play. Which is all fine and good, to each his own, yaddayadda, but I still think it’s weird that he hasn’t at least seen it. I mean…it’s right there! It isn’t really a surprise that she hasn’t seen the hole of his ass considering how much gas comes out of it as Jim and Don are very vocal about their years of fart-based antics. Ellis thinks that their fart stories are gross…but they are also really amazing. I mean…these guys almost downed a plane with their ass-gas, they cleared out a Slipknot after party in a bar at Madison Square Garden that is remembered by Corey Taylor TO THIS DAY, and made Axle Rose’s sister think that the venue they were in was under a terrorist attack. With ass gas. Benji Madden (who wandered into the studio at some point) is duly impressed with their fart stories. But Florentine brings up how he still holds out hope that his wife will eat his ass. Don Jamieson shoots him down saying that once she knows what comes out of there she will never do it, and tells Ellis and Tully that his girlfriend refused to toss his salad after they moved in together and he used the bathroom saying, “Never again.” And, maybe I’m gross (in my notebook approximately every other sentence while taking notes on this is ‘does this mean I’m gross’) because I’ve been with Hubbs for years, I’m well aware at what his butt is capable of, and…yeah, I still do it. So, in case you were wondering…I might be gross. Although…I am also very aware of his bathing habits sooooo…maybe I’m only a little gross? Whatever. It’s fun.

Still talking about farts and the powers of their asses, Ellis asks them what their Instagram handles are, because he wants to see this shit on Instagram. But…they don’t have Instagram!!!!!!! Benji, Tully, and Ellis then break down for them exactly why they should have the popular app, why in fact as entertainers it is kind of their job to have the app, and though Jim Florentine comes out firmly against Instagram in the beginning of the conversation, Benji seems to have him convinced by the end. So…look forward to that folks!!!!!

Up after the break- Bert McCracken and Christian Hand and a new single from Death!Death!Die!

Except then SiriusXM sucks dick and my app shit the fuck out again. Yeah..I know. Fuck me. I tried and tried and tried and finally got back in for the last 6 minutes of the show and listened to some final calls which I didn’t really hear through the hatred screaming in my mind for SiriusXM and their app. I turned to Twitter for help and was told that Bert talked about life in Australia and was awesome (because Duh) and Cumtard is super against the idea of a chick playing around his bum-hole. I heard the tail (ha) end of this and he’ll take a dildo up the butt for the cool amount of $10,000 cash. That’s a pretty high price. In case you don’t know, and are reading this for some reason Mr. Kraft, the anus has a million more nerve endings than the head of your dick so having a dildo up there probs feels pretty fantastical for you. I mean, as a girl, I think it feels like stars bursting into magic. Start small- a pinkie, a tongue, anything…go read my blog, convince yourself. It’s phenomenal. Don’t knock it til you try it. I did hear Adam do his closing, but he didn’t really help my situation…gee thanks guy…and that’s where this all sort of ends. Sorry if you are disappointed. Feel free to hate at me @jennimazky on twitter. Maybe I’ll post pics of my boobs in penance. I dunno. I’m pretty disappointed in myself. Even if it isn’t completely my fault. But that sounds like a bullshit lame excuse.

Things we learned on the Jason Ellis Show today:

Jude ate a black kid

My Blood plays on Liquid Metal

Will is chippy these days

Rude Jude wants to play music picks on the show

It doesn’t get awkward anymore…no one cares

Dropkick Murphy’s are too good for Ellis to be able to convince his fandom that they are bad

Tully likes Vampire Weekend

Wax sounds like the FreeCreditReport.com band

David Blaine is better than Criss Angel, but he’s still a kook

If Tully and Ellis can agree on one thing….it’s Praise the Lord

Funny people can get laid

Jim Florentine would take a blowjob from a sheet with a mouth hole, but would prefer an ugly girl, cause she would try harder

Ellis got 4 blowjobs last night and came 3 1/2 times

Fart jokes will always be funny

Benji Madden is awesome

If you’re going to be in the game, then you have to play the fucking game

Go to PatriotGuard.org

 

***again…I’m sorry about this…I know this wasn’t the recap that you were looking for…and I don’t have the right droids either. Gripe to me on twitter. Don’t hold it against me too long. Love you guys!!!