Ahem…ahem…let me preface this by apologizing for the lack of links…my puppy chewed apart my laptop charger and I am posting this from an iPad and anytime I click the hyperlink button it erases a paragraph of what I just wrote…so…no.
Secondly, Dan, you may or may not be the alleged creator of the don’t die show recap and the lone speaker for all those who have real jobs and can’t sit around taking notes (I personally wish that I thought as highly of myself as you do, by the way), but No You Are perfected the art of TJES recap, and this is how it’s done:
Ellis is “that dude” and it’s been a long ass time since he took a good look at the hole (haha…see what I did there?) but he’s pretty secure about it. He’s also pretty secure about how fat he is right now, but Mike Dolce is going to be on the show today and will probably turn that right around. Coincidence? I think not! There’s always emotions when a penis goes into a vagina, no matter what level of cold-hearted bitch status you have achieved in life, and that’s why it may be difficult for girls to have strictly sexual, no-feeling relationships with guys. Ellis says he believes that it can work for girls for a certain stretch of time in their lives, but for it to be on-going…he’ll go right ahead and call bullshit on that one. Men can have a hard time battling emotions when it comes to having sex with a girl, especially a really hot girl, and yeah, that’s a little girly…but there’s nothing wrong with being a little bit girly in different aspects of your life. Consequently….there’s definitely room for some girliness in life when you’re awesome enough for RCH racing to give you a motorbike, which will be delivered to your workplace so that you may perform burn-outs, get carbon monoxide poisoning and cause damage to your surroundings much to the chagrin of your boss. Breaking Shit My Pants MMA News is next on the agenda at the good ol’ Jason Ellis Show because there were fights on last night brought to you by the wonderful folks over at FoxSports1. Tully mentions that the Venezuelen Vixen, who won the Ultimate Fighter this past season, was in the crowd and was looking beautiful. She was also aware of her beauty and when the camera panned on her she took the opportunity to flip her hair over her shoulder and reveal her decidedly non-cauliflower ears. Cause Venezuelan bitches have great fucking ears. Onto the actual fight part of MMA News, Ellis wanted to talk about something that everyone should be talking about, but no one was- the fact (because we’re just gonna take this one as fact) that Yoel Romero- an Olympic Silver Medalist Wrestler turned MMA fighter- shit his teeny purple lycra pants and won his fight against Derek Brunson. And really…there is no denying that he shit his pants. Tully, a self-touting ‘you shit yourself’ expert who is two years deep in shit experience to the date, agrees with Ellis that there is no other explanation other than Romero rocket sharted during the fight. Romero allegedy denied that he defecated in his shorts, but everyone who was in attendance, everyone in the locker room, and basically everyone online agrees that no, it was not water and sweat, it was stinky poopie schmear. Why is no one really talking about it? Probably has something to do with the fact that this guy, who is a walking specimen of what fitness and muscle should look like is…well…a walking specimen of what fitness and muscle should look like and is fully capable of beating the shit out of you so that you too could know what it felt like to fight with poopie pants. Some calls were taken on the subject, a scientific justification was given for pants shitting during fighting using the parasympathetic nervous system fight or flight response, and everyone agrees that he made a poopie. Ellis isn’t really trying to rag too hard on the guy, because hey, shit happens.
Ellis, Tully,and Cumtard are heading to Vegas after the show tonight (and are probably already there by the time that I am typing this) in order to attend the AVN’s and hang out with porn stars. Tully feels slightly bad about this as today is Little Dude’s second birthday and Daddy will be spending it in Vegas at a porn convention. But hey, chances are Little Dude will have absolutely no memory of this so…Party On Tully! After Ellis gets back from Vegas he is gonna hang with his kiddies and hopefully do some fun things, so long as his kids are feeling better. Because they are sick. They were apparently up on and off throughout the night last night and Daddy Ellis was doing his best to take care of them and be the good daddy that he is. Their mummy wanted them to go to school this morning, but after being up all night with them Daddy Ellis made the big N-O call on that one, but when he tried to call Mummy to pick them up so he could go to work, he wasn’t able to get in touch with her. He called and texted and called and texted and was starting to think that he would have to call Tully and tell him that they would be doing an extremely PG rated show in a box full of germs when Mummy finally called him back. Why wasn’t she answering her phone? Because she was also sick and had slept in past 10 AM. Ellis can’t even imagine sleeping until 10 in the morning because he is 42. I can’t imagine sleeping past 10 AM because I have a 4 year old who will tell you that it’s morning and time to wake up if he wakes up at 3 AM. Fucking kids. Good thing they’re cute.
Someone from Mattel, who Will isn’t sure if they can share the name, sent a package to Tully and Ellis bursting with toys for the kiddos, which was awesome and made them both really awesome daddies in the eyes of their offspring. Tully used the toys to dissuade Little Man from going outside when it was cold (read: cold in LA means that it was probably a balmy 65 degrees out), and Daddy Ellis had it all in his car to keep the kids busy on the ride from Mummy to Daddy’s house. Win. Will comments that the people who listen to the show (or you know, read about the show on really awesome websites run by some really awesome people) who never hesitate to spend time, effort, and money to send things to everyone at TJES, and really are a tight knit group who help each other out and genuinely care for one another. Ellisfam is amazing. Case closed.
Ellis wants to freeze his blood in Red Dragons ice cube trays and put them in Katie’s drinks because that is so twistedly romantic. I’m a girl. I get it. *Heart eyes* Will has a gigantic problem with the thought of this and suggests that instead, Ellis makes a paperweight out of his blood, because it will last longer. No. No, Wilson. No. He wants to be inside his hot chick without having to be inside his hot chick. And it would take a really awesome picture. Tully suggests that Ellis make a blood snow globe instead, but Ellis would have to dilute the water to see whatever is inside and that is lame as hell. Tully wants to know how Ellis plans on getting a good quantity of blood out of himself in order to make the blood-cubes and it seems like Ellis just wants to shove a hypodermic into his veins and suck it out. Like a man. And no, Will, he won’t be shooting bubbles of air into his veins so that he dies of an air embolism. smh. Will comments that the Red Cross won’t take blood from gay people and thinks it’s kind of weird, but they’ve always been that way, and Tully kind of backs that decision. It’s probably not because the Red Cross hates gay people, and has more to do with the fact that homosexuals, unfortunately, run a statistically higher risk of contracting some very unkind diseases that people don’t want in their donated blood (or at least those were the statistics at the time the Red Cross made this policy, I’m not really sure if they have changed). For the record, the Red Cross won’t take blood from a lot of different kinds of people- people who recently traveled out of the country, people who have been pierced or tattooed within the past year, and people who smell funny. I may have made that last one up.
Tully received his Faction Board of Directors survey in his email this morning, and like a good listener (who doesn’t listen), he filled it out and pressed the send button. Will informs him that the survey he received this morning is just a phase one survey and that there will be a more in depth one to come, which will also include questions about TJES. Apparently Will thinks there are some things about the show that should change (which he won’t tell us on air because he does not want to taint our weak minds) and he thinks that there are some things that we listeners may want to change as well, feedback is a good thing, yadda yadda. I’m really not going to go into the ensuing conversation because it was a re-hashing of something I re-capped either last week or the week before (not entirely sure…I just know I was sitting outside the house of someone’s whose pipes had burst that we were trying to fix and waiting for backup from a frenchman while I was listening to it) and if you wanna know what Ellis, Tully, and Will’s stances are on the whole Faction Board of Directors/what’s being played on Faction issue you can go read that. You’re welcome. Thank you.
Back from the first break Kenda Perez is on the phone waiting to talk some more MMA news. Ellis thinks that Kenda is awesome because she is super hot and she laughs at his joke, and a man feels good when a hot lady laughs at his jokes. She was watching the fights in Georgia last night in person, like someone dedicated to their job would do, and she didn’t notice that Romero had pooped his pants while she was watching the fight, but her BFF texted her about it real-time, and she said that everyone in the crowd knew about it and was talking about it. Apparently, the locker room was not smelling so nice following the fight, someone thought that someone had vomitted, and yeah…he’s not getting away from the fact that he shit his pants. They talked some more about the fights, and every fought good, and I have a really hard time paying attention to MMA news because I enjoy MMA but I don’t know anyone’s name, I just know they punch each other in the face and bleed a lot. Romero punched his opponent in the dick and was all ‘hahaha’ about it, and Kenda thinks that he punched Bronson because he shit himself…which makes sense to no one but the lovely Kenda herself. Tully summed up an MMA match quite well astonishing both Ellis and Kenda who talked about taking a break and getting a drink and letting Tully keep on talking about MMA news since he did such a good job and I don’t know what he said cause Hubbs’ started talking to me about something. I don’t remember what Hubbs said at this point either, if that makes you feel any better. Before Kenda gets off the phone she mentions that she is back home in Newport Beach (thank God because it was cold as fuck in Georgia) and is in her bikini bottoms and a Nirvana tank top because she is going to hang up and then go sit by the pool. She asks Ellis for some shirts so she can make them look sexy and represent poolside. I made a joke to Hubbs that she was just going to sit by the pool because she’s a girl and God forbid she actually goes in the water and messes up her hair, or makeup, or whatever…and I can say that because I am a girl.
Ellis has changed his mind about poetry being lame because poetry is an art form (however douchey it may be) and it takes passion….so all of you poets out there are now in the clear so far as Ellis is concerned. This somehow morphs into Tully and Ellis discussing which sports are actually sports and which sports are games, or skills, or activities, or what have you. Tully’s rule of thumb for sport classification is that sports need to have sustained cardio to be considered real sports. Baseball doesn’t make the cut for him, but Ellis disagrees. Football is a sport- along with running, swimming, MMA, Sumo Wrestling, and porn. Will asks whether spear-chucking is a sport (aka the Javelin Throw) and Ellis and Tully call him out for his racist comment. Will splutters that he wasn’t being racist and that he is very sensitive to racist comments…when he isn’t spewing them. Hubbs had to explain to me why ‘spear-chucking’ is a racist comment to say…and I say that, because of that, I am the least racist person in this room right now. So…I beat the puppy…because Joe is in the shower. Ping Pong may or may not be a sport, paintball is definitely not a sport, and everybody knows that curling is not. a. fucking. sport. Duh.
Tully tells us that somewhere in Arizona a mother was walking around with her toddler when her toddler toddled across the cover for a septic tank which then buckled under the extreme weight of said toddler, and the baby fell in to poopie soup. While the mommy was standing there screaming “My baby! My baby!” A good samaritan didn’t stop to think before shedding his shoes and jumping in after the toddler. The man successfully rescued the fallen toddler with the help of a couple other good sams. who showed up, and the blue faced baby who had been under for several minutes was successfully resuscitated at the seen by one of the helpful passers-by who didn’t just pass by. The initial good samaritan had been released from prison only two weeks earlier and has definitely made a good start on his journey to turn his life around. It’s always good to save a baby.
Mike Dolce is in the studio today to talk to Ellis about ways to be less fat :D and he is Mega in the UFC game. He is the one that all the winners turn to when they want to be winners and cut weight- the right way. Mike Dolce- developer of the Dolce Diet (go figure)- tells Ellis that instead of eating fistfuls of candy at night he should eat some frozen red grapes to satisfy his late night sugar cravings. And why does Ellis crave sugar so hard at night? Because sugar is fuel and is brain fuel and after a long day of talking on the radio and not eating so good in the middle of the day, he needs to satisfy his brain’s need for fuel. Boom. Now Ellis has a good alternative to crunching malted milk balls that won’t wake Katie up in the middle of the night. Dolce next tackles Tully’s lunch and gives him a hi five for his salmon, but says that it’s all down hill from there since he is eating it with bleached flour pasta. Tully only eats white pasta because that’s what Italians eat and there sure as hell isn’t wheat pasta being home made by people in Italy. And Diet Coke is poison. There are four books by Mike Dolce on fitness and dieting, and if you want to get into a good exercise routine you should visit UFCFit.com and get the workout DVDs which are great for people who have been living the sedentary lifestyle for 6 months to 2 years. Dolce says that the key to being more healthy is to hold yourself accountable, to set reasonable goals, eat based on your hunger and activity levels, eat to feel satisfied- not ‘full’, and to plan on being 1% better today than you were yesterday. When asked by Tully what food choices may have made Romero shit his pants during a fight Dolce replies, “I don’t know, it wasn’t me!” Which made me laugh for a solid five minutes.
Back from the break Tully informs us that the man who was a victim of anal probing thanks to police has reached a financial settlement of 1.6 million dollars. Ellis thinks that the police who subjected him to this anal horror should be anal raped for two straight days in penance, but we all know that isn’t going to happen. Tully states that no one has ever been able to sufficiently explain to him why the old ‘eye for an eye’ policy just won’t work. I think Ghandi had some words about Hammurabi’s Famous Code, although I don’t think that’s really the best explanation either. Ellis hopes that the man doesn’t have to pay taxes on his settlement, and Tully asks that if someone well versed in law, like a lawyer, is listening if they can call the show and let everyone know about that. A lawyer does not call…or maybe one does and can’t get through because no one is answering the phones. Will says that it’s his fault, but Ellis and Tully give him shit for it because the phones were being answered more often when there was one intern and now there are two producers. Ellis and Tully want to have a superbike race and Will thinks that’s a bad idea and that he is ‘that creepy guy’ at the mall. But he probably isn’t. Tully breaks the news that the Philly police have arrested the Swiss Cheese Masturbator, and let’s us know that this isn’t the first time that he has been arrested for dairy related sex crimes. Apparently in 2009 he was arrested for propositioning a woman on the street with 20 bucks to rub a brick of cheese on his Johnson. As the show winds down they talk about going to Vegas and the AVN’s, take calls from final callers who still don’t understand how phones work, and try to persuade Will to accompany them to Vegas.
What we learned on the show today:
If you’re going to shit yourself under pressure- the place to do it is the Olympics
Phil is the guy from Mattel who sent all the toys….good job Phil!!
SiriusXM Canada subscribers should take their issues to President Sasquatch
Ellis had his liver lacerated from being kicked in the liver
The Awesome Guide to Being Awesome is out on 2/18/2014…go to Amazon.com and pre-order your copy today!!!
Ellis is excited about Moto. Tully still isn’t
Tully likes when Little Dude watches sports with him
Paintball-not a sport “My leg is orange…I’m not going to make it…go on without me”
It’s funny to get kicked in the face by a baby
The Dolce Diet has been proven to be the most successful way to cut weight
Ellis did the Dolce Diet and felt secure enough to take his shirt off
If you’re hungry at night eat frozen red grapes, smoothies, or raw nuts
College food is Prison food. Really.
Yoel Romero is a 36 year old muscle on a diet of death, murder, and babies
Never stand up and bang with a nugget
Ellis was really gassed out for his EM9 fight, but everything that went wrong made it that much better overall (because Ellisfam is amazing)
Mike Dolce is a great human being bringing men everyone great asses on women
Cumtard says passing a kidney stone is the male equivalent to giving birth
All the guys are bringing to Vegas is a bag full of pills and a block of Finlandia
New Shock-Taco-Cumtard-Vomit Video on Ellismania.com
Guys with tattoos like Ellis laugh at ‘guys with tattoos’ like Cumtard
A caller will get mad TJES if he’s willing to shit himself in a restaurant
A blacksmith is less gay in a sweet leather vest (according to Cumtard the Cumtardian)
Will is hustling to the store to get some swiss cheese before shuffling out to vegas
Ellis will be at the Hard Rock in Vegas tomorrow, naked, covered in Viagra tongue melt strips…if you’re interested
Go pre-order Ellis’s new book on Amazon
Go get Jude’s book Hyena while you are at it
Sign up for Ellismania.com
Dan- you have been served…and I’m a fucking amateur ’round these here parts
*drops the mike…walks offstage*