Show Recap for Tuesday 1/20/15

Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show on this lovely Monday, also known as Tuesday, where Ellis and Tully are back in the studio and feeling good.  Ellis got to spuend a day at a hotel just decompressing and relaxing anc being by himself because he has been stressed as fuck lately and has not been able to just take some deep breaths. Jude isnt there because he is off clear across the country doing book readings and signings and i only missed him a little. And he really enjoyed it. He got to float around in the pool in Palm Springs and not get burned because he’s like half black from being tattooed so much and he just didn’t worry about it because thats how much he was really letting go of all the stress and worry. And you know what’s even more amazing than getting to take a day all to himself wi th the sole purpose of relaxing? Following it up with a morning of training because Ellismania is getting closer and closer! Ellis was super happy about being able to train this morning, and happier stilk that his heart didn’t explode or go into afib because of it. Dingo is also in the studio on this fill in Monday with many tales of globetrotting and parties and going on a family vacation with the Osbournes where Kelly got run over by an out of control skier and fractured her wrist. Tully and Ellis tried sniffing around for a while to see if there is more than just friendship going 8n beteeen the two, but Dingo is solid on saying that they are just friends and there is nothing to hide.

Juiana Pena was also on the show today to break the news that she was declared cleared to return to the octogan earlier today by her doctor and she is all kinds of ready to kick someone’s ass. Ellis wants to do BJJ with her, which she seems to be down for, so long as Ellis can stay in control and not have to be the manly man who must win and hurts her in the process. They listened to some audio from the John Jones ‘i got caught dojng cocaine’ interview and Ellis was not buying the ‘it was a one time mistake’ angle. At all. Pena was pretty defensive of Jones, but they do both work for the ssme boss so i wasnt really that surprised. Tully brought up how Juliana said that she would be the woman to beat Ronda Rousey and she is still sticking by that hard. Ellis compares that to how he plays hard on the ‘Best in the Radio’ angle because if you don’t  talk a big game and be the first to believe in yourself, then no one else is ever going to jump on the bandwagon of belief and get behind you also.

Sam Rockson called into the show today to talk some moto and he realllllllly does not sound all. Ellis says that Rockson is the best and the fastest guy out there on the moto track these days, and Sam is pretty much in agreement. When he’s going faster than everybody he is still not going the fastest that he can be. He loves being in America and being pretty much on his own, and he is in a good relationship.

Rounding out the show Tully, Ellis, Dingo and Will get into a debate about whether or not John Travolta is gay and if he goes into random Planet Fitness Gyms in the middle of the night to pick up some tail while making really terrible small talk and introducing himself as John. I mean, i feel like its such a dick move to be like “hey, I’m John” when you’re John fucking Travolta. Anyone wo has been alive in the last 50 years knows who you are. Dont introduce yourself, just whip out your cock and ask if they’re interested!!!! Will did his news segment at the end of the show and told us that the Colts are really sore losers and suck at football.

Yeah, i know, major rush job. Sue me later :p

Show Recap for Thursday 8/28/2014

When all else fails and everything is kind of turning in to shit…get yourself some wolves. Dig deep, find your inner howl, and release a pack of wolves because apparently, those fucks are roving packs of Mr. Fix Its. Ellis opened up the show with some howling wolf audio and some guy who sounded a lot like Malcom McDowell telling all us wonderful and dedicated listeners about how at one point in the 90’s Yellowstone National Park was kind of turning to shit and to fix it, they released a pack of wolves and after a few years, the wolves had that place running in tip top shape. Boom. That was a severe over simplification of what was actually said, but it boils down to wolves are awesome, which we all already knew. The ever wonderful unofficial Oracle of The Jason Ellis Show, our Twitter Feeds, and NYA- Bitpimps, was to thank for sending that tidbit to the show, and it’s a pretty neat video that you should go watch because I took the time to type ‘wolves at Yellowstone’ into google and put the link up for you guys. Guess what?!?! Tully is back!! He isn’t 100% yet, but he’s back and sounds mostly like himself with the occasional cough and Ellis officially has been diagnosed with Giardia, which is a disease that you can catch from your houselhold pets and makes your tummy all sad and crampy and your poopie all…diarrhea-y and stuff. Ugh. But, at least now Ellis knows what he has and he can take antibiotics and get all better and..oh…he can’t take antibiotics yet because he couldn’t get them before he started the show, but man he can not wait to start taking those antibiotics because Dr. Drew (who has had Giardia twice allegedly) told him that as soon as the meds are in his system he will immediately start feeling better. Tully missed a lot while he was home sick, and he knows some of what he missed and isn’t clear on some other things. One of the first things that Tully asks about is if Ellis had something stuck up his ass, to which Ellis tells him that no he just had to do a poopy in the doctors office and scoop it into vials (which Tully knew because he saw the instagram photo) but all Katie had done at the doctor was a Q-Tip in her bum. But what Tully was referring to was Wednesday’s show where Joanna Angel shocked Ellis’s hole and put an Ice Stick up in and around there (allegedly). They spend some time talking about how Ellis could possibly transmit the Giardia to other people and wonders if he put Tully, the Guys of the Green Room, and tons of other (much more innocent) bystanders at risk for the disease just by shaking hands. Will pops his head in (metaphorically) to say that of course he already googled that shit and he’s pretty sure that they are in the clear, and Tully adds in the tidbit that Giardia is transmitted by fecal/oral contamination so they should be in the clear so long as Ellis washes his hands and no one eats shit. Which is a sentence I should have written after I heated up my Quesadilla because now I’m all ‘ew’.

In other news, Suge Knight was shot 6 times last week and didn’t die, and also didn’t tell the cops who it was that shot him. Tully and Ellis think that he didn’t rat out who shot him because now, MotherFucking Suge Knight is gonna come for you so you better start running now or hope that the cops find you first. Ellis and Tully also devise a plan where Suge Knight could successfully assasinate P. Diddy (because of course it’s Diddy who is behind all of it) by finding some random guy, throwing a blonde wig, a Monster hat, some sunnies, and a Grenade hoodie on him because, boom, Dingo, and no one ever suspects The Dingo. Plus, although he is a rather attention attraction fellow, he is relatively nondescript at the same time, and it would be totally possible to dress anybody up into a Dingo Doppelganger and make him an assassin. I also decided that I am going to dress up as The Dingo for Halloween and enlisted Hubbs to be my bestie Kelly Osbourne. Hubbs hasn’t agreed to it yet, and I’m sure it will be hard to find heels for his gigantic feet…but oh my god, that visual is totally worth it. Hubbs told me that’s why he never got dressed up for Halloween and I told him ‘booooooooooooo’.

On to the subject of kids, The Ellis kids were having a giant fight before Ellis came into the show today and it got so bad that he had to bring up the whole, ‘any of us could die at any time and how would you like for the last thing you said to be nonsense’ thing which Ellis said made Tiggie pretty bummed out but Devin was trying to be all stiff upper lip about it and Ellis really had to drive the point home. Devin also talked to Ellis about how Mummy is on her cell phone too much and it bummed her out, so Ellis had to make the call to Mummy and instead of there being a fight about it, Mummy was all “Okay, I’m going to have to check that” and Ellis said that he would check his cell phone use also because it’s always so easy to fall into the cell phone trap these days. Tully agrees whole heartedly with this because he knows he and Wifey fall in to the trap because there’s only so many times you can introduce toys to each other over and over ad nauseum for 6 months without wanting to distract yourself with whatever may be in your inbox or on social media. Tully goes on to say that Cell Phones are the Cancer Sticks of yesteryear and he doesn’t want to pass the habit on to Little Dude because he feels like it’s shameful.

So, Vaginas!!! I mean, everyone has one, right? Oh no? Just me? Oh…not just me? Just the girls. That’s right. The females have the vaginas. Tully brings us back from the break with a segment on vaginas, because, well, some listeners have them and some listeners want to play with them, so why not know some more about them? Tully found some articles online about vaginal maintenance that keeps your vag in tip top shape and makes it smell like roses and taste like ambrosia, or some sort of nonsense. The recipe for sweet smelling and super nom tasting vagina include washing the vag twice a day, airing out the cookie and wearing cotton panties, not spraying perfume on your box, waxing the beave (because sweat clings to pubic hair), using baby wipes after using the bathroom, having a vegetarian diet, not consuming beer/coffee/spicy food/alcohol/asparagus/raw onion/garlic, not having yeast infections (yeah, because we try and have those), and dipping a tampon in yogurt and shoving it up your hole. Now…this turned out to be a lot more controversial than i think Tully or Ellis anticipated because there were tons of phone calls from girls about what was wrong and what was right and there was a girl who was all about spraying perfume on her box, and a girl who talked like everything was a question that I wanted to throttle because I hate that…and if there is one thing I’s don’t stick yogurt up your twat. That’s ridiculous. Eat yogurt. It is good for your vag…but when you eat it. The next part of the vag segment involved disgusting vagina stories because someone from decided that if guys get to throw around words like ‘dick cheese’ then ladies should be able to talk about ‘period boogers’…and you know what? Fuck that. I’m a female..I know what goes on down there..I would much rather hear about dick cheese (even though I don’t think I’ve heard that description since I was about 16) than anything gross regarding what goes on with vaginas. Vaginas are fucking terrifying when they want to be. Case closed. And the nasty bitch who wrote the article about maxi pad diapers, double stuffing tampons, and tampons getting lost in the abyss…shame on you, bitch, because that did no good for anyone. I don’t talk about that with anyone. Me and my closest girlfriends…the closest we get to talk about any grossness regarding menstrual cycles is exclusive to the following phrase, “Oh my god, it was like a massacre/crime scene”. That’s it. My closest fucking female friend. There is no detail, there is no harping on…periods are gross. I tell Hubbs when it hurts, when it makes me feel sick, he rubs my tummy, and four days later…life moves on. A caller named CeeCee…who was a doctor, related a tale about removing a fist sized tampon from some poor girl’s vag after it had been up there for a month and the smell was so bad they had to close down a part of the ER. And really…Will was retching in the green room the entire segment, Ellis kept pushing vomit-noise buttons and the whole thing was foul. And I wound up listening to this part twice and both times I was all, “Why, just…why?” To which Hubbs responded, “Hey, if it makes you feel any better, you may have a Vagina, but I’m the one who licks it.”

Justin Bua MMA enthusiast and artist extraordinaire is back in the studio to critique some more TJES artwork but before he does that…they play some catch up and talk MMA, Ronda Rousey, Jason Momoa, and Bua also shares some artwork from his own personal sketchbook which none of us get to see because we are not as cool as Ellis and Tully. Apparently he draws vaginas and naked women and things of that nature in his personal sketchbook, because he really and truly appreciates the female form in all shapes and sizes because it’s a beautiful thing. Bua’s artwork is going to be on display in the new season of The Ultimate Fighter’s Fighter House, and also says that this season is the first all female UF season and that should be cook, cause chicks beating each other up is really pretty awesome. Tully brings up Justin Bua’s new reality show that is going to be on the Oxygen Network and involves street art, and I think most of the reason he brings it up at all is because Tully doesn’t like a lot of street art because it’s nonsense. Bua says that there is a lot of street art out there that is bad art, because not everyone is a good artist, and street art is very reflective of what’s going on in society and our society is kind of in a stage of being a big pile of shit. Bua also tells everyone that he is going to be one of the people in charge of picking out the art for USPS stamps for the foreseeable future, which is pretty badass and something I never really thought of before. I mean…people collect stamps, but there aren’t a lot of letters getting sent anymore…so…are they gonna keep producing stamps just for people to go on collecting? Seems kind of weird. For the art critique, everyone drew pictures of wolves and Bua gave them all their props, as he did the last time he was on the show. He is a very open minded guy, and if you follow the link that I posted earlier in this paragraph, you’ll see why I said that. The one that undoubtedly caused the most stir was Will’s drawing of a wolf with melting feet on top of a cross, which had some sort of biblical quote around the top of it and then a bunch of characters from random foreign languages around the bottom part of it. Ellis accused Will of tracing, which Will vehemently denied, and Will eventually conceded that he just picked out the characters because he liked how it looked and he needed something to round the picture out. An answer which Justin Bua basically fed to him.

For the last part of the show they played another video which had been sent to them by Bitpimps involving a gay 20 year old male getting into a fight with his family members when his mother throws him out of the house for being gay. It was really sad. I hate that. Ellis hated it and Tully wasn’t really a fan of it either. Ellis still finds it really hard to believe that there are people who would turn their back on their children for being gay in the name of religion, and a modicum of hope was restored in humanity when a caller told the show that she was Christian and that anyone who used their religion as an excuse for why they don’t like gay people are just insane because Christians are supposed to love and forgive and leave it for God to judge us all. Then, for a second, they were going to do some Wolfknives names, but then Ellis wasn’t really feeling it. Ellis started fading out because his tumtum hurt and Tully was fading as well since he’s still kind of sick and they moved on to doing some Teen Advice. It wasn’t the best Teen Advice segment that I’ve ever heard and it boils down to- don’t have sex until you are ready, if your parents make you wear adult diapers for one bed wetting incident that they blame on masturbation you should run away, moms can be really creepy, and if you have no friends, interests, hobbies, or talents, you should probably work for The Jason Ellis Show. Final calls had their ups and downs, lots of sex advice wound up getting thrown around and asked for, you should never force your wife to have sex with you but if it’s been a year and a half you need to find a better therapist, and if your girlfriend doesn’t like sucking your dick, she just might not like sucking your dick, which is a shame because Blow Jobs are awesome.

That’s all I have folks…sorry for the lateness, sorry for the shortness (usually I try to be much more detailed) but there’s some shit going on. Hopefully all will be well next week!! Love you! xoxox

Show recap for Thursday 2/20/2014

Hey guys (and girls, presumably) it’s me again, Jenni, and yeah, I know this is like the fourth time that you’re hearing from me this week and you’re probably sick and tired of this shit already, but this is the last you’ll have to deal with until my life goes back to normal and I can just chill on my regular Thursday time slot and get back to not bothering you all that much. I can commiserate if you’re having a ‘sick of this bitch’ episode, because frankly- I’m sick and miserable and have been complaining and whiny all day and even I’m sick of me. Joe is…a fucking saint. How he spends so much time with me (read 24/7- we work and live together) and doesn’t want to kill me and only laughs when I say no to absolutely everything because I’m feeling so miserable is completely beyond me. And I don’t just say no in a regular way. I make these weird meowishbunny ‘no’ sounds. So yeah. That’s what he deals with when I’m sick on top of the following conversation today:
“Hunny, I don’t know if I’m going to sneeze or projectile vomit.”
“Sounds exciting.”
“Seriously, though. And no…it’s not exciting at all.” I’m probably tinged green at this point.
“Well, if there’s even a chance that it’s going to be vomit, how about we go to the bathroom?” And then he takes me inside (thankfully we were working at a public place and not someone’s house) where I proceed to sneeze. And then puke. Then he told me to sleep in the truck and only occasionally threw boxes at me off of rooftops. Yeah…even including this in the recap is completely unnecessary, and I don’t usually whine, but I am full-on in whine mode. I’m sorry.

Getting to what you actually came here for- when I started TJES on my app it came in in the middle of Ellis saying a sentence and he was talking about his special voice and people complaining about songs and is his voice just so special that even though people hate the music they stick around? So I’m assuming that he was talking about people complaining about the music that gets played on Faction/gets played by Ellis on Faction…and well…shut the fuck up, you guys…cause I don’t care. And my opinion almost matters sometimes. He then goes right into talking about the Reddit Ask Me Anything that he participated in this morning/afternoon (depending on your time zone) that he did with the help of Tully since Ellis isn’t that great at reading or typing, and said that they answered the hard questions. But, really, though, he did answer all of the questions that he could, but I don’t think he considered any of them hard because he went on to say that there is nothing that he can be asked that would ‘shake him up’ because he’s already said it. It’s already out there. Which, if you are a listener of the show on the reg, you already know. I checked out the AMA and it was pretty interesting, and a couple of things struck me as funny, and if you’re interested in knowing what went on you can go here and check it out. While talking about the Reddit thing Tully mentions that he has a typing-related injury (probably) that he needs to get taken care of called Dupuytren’s Disease that can be corrected with surgery and he’s been looking for a window to get it taken care of. He says that it’s been bothering him more from typing up The Awesome Guide to Life and he definitely felt himself ‘clawing’ up while he was doing the typing for Jason on Reddit this morning. Ellis, ever the caring ManBossFriend that he is gave Tully full permission to get it taken care of right now and to forgo any and all emails for the next two weeks, unless he wants to do them from his phone with the other hand. Problem solved.

Speaking of problems and music and faction and people complaining and people complaining about music…Tully asks Will, “Wasn’t it about two weeks ago that you said in two weeks you would have those results from the Faction Board of Directors to go over with us?” He asks it in his oh-so-Tully way of knowing that it was totally 2 weeks ago while trying to maintain that boyish, ‘but I could be wrong about that’ that is making me hate him because the last thing I want to recap is more Board of Directors bullshit because it stopped being funny for me about a month and a half ago. Or right now (which is more likely) because I’m supercranky. And yeah, Will says that it was about two weeks ago, but no he doesn’t have the information ready to go over with them because it’s taking longer than he thought that it would because he has the big bosses that he has to answer to and has to wait for them to ‘okay’ the changes. How long will it be before we get to hear anything more about this? Probably another two weeks- and guys…shotty not if it happens on a Thursday- unless something completely epic happens during that time I will gloss over that shit like it never happened. But, some good does come out of Will popping into the studio to talk about the Board of Directors and surveys and such…and that good is…more HateBean songs. Will fires off some quick lines for HateBean songs and everyone gets a good laugh, especially because Will tries to do an ‘in da club’ song, and if there is one thing that man should never do- it’s try to rap. Just say no, Will. Ellis talks about how if they turn the HateBean songs into ringtones and sell them they will become bajillionaires, and also probably get people to answer their phones really quickly in public because he doesn’t know how many people will be showing off their HateBean ringtones among strangers.

Will goes back to doing whatever work he pretends to do when he isn’t on air and the subject turns to Ellismania X. Or Ellismania 10. Or EM10. The big one. The hall of fame one. The one that is going to be the shit and a half and I’m already scared that Hubbs and I are going to be wayyyyyyyyyy too poor to go to unless it magically winds up on the East Coast somewhere. Ellis and Tully start tossing names around for possible people that Ellis could fight for the main event in Ellismania 10 and A LOT of names get thrown out there by Ellis, Tully, and Ellisfam (by calls and tweets) and they fall into one of several categories: Not Going To Happen (But It Would Be Awesome), Ellis Would Die, Ellis Would Kill That Guy, Are You Insane, and Maybe. Some of the ‘Not Going To Happen (But It Would Be Awesome) include- Adam Corolla, Chris Liebman, Joe Rogan, Steven Segal, and Ken Block. Some of the ‘Ellis Would Die’ are- Forrest Griffin, Jason Mamoa, Don Fry, and possibly Mike Dolce. Guys That ‘Ellis Would Kill’ and doesn’t want to fight because they aren’t real fighters are- Carrot Top and Steven Segal (yeah, I know that he’s in more than one category). The ‘Are You Insane’ contenders include- Sugar Ray Leonard (seriously? He’s gone old man crazy if he accepts the fight at all), Evander Holifield, Kimbo Slice, Miesha Tate, and Tank Abbott. The one and only maybe that came out of the super long on air brain jam was from a caller whose name was either not given or I completely missed and it was Michael Jai White. Yeah, no one knew who he was either, but he’s an actor (He was Spawn in Spawn) and Ellis said that he would totally take that fight if it would happen. Tully suggests that it would be funny if Ellis fought both of the guys from Insane Clown Posse, but backtracks quickly because no one wants the crowd at the epic EM10 to be half Juggalo. No offense. Oh shit…another maybe was M Shadows. Ellis would fight M Shadows if he decides to take on a bunch of people because that would be sweet. They talk about how Ellismania 10 is going to be big and bad because, of course, it kind of has to be, how they are going to do the Ellismania Hall of Fame, fighting Dr. Drew, and then they talk about who Tully might fight. Is there gonna be a Michael Tully/Bob Levy rematch? Probably not…but Tully will work on getting beef with somebody real quick so there’s some backstory his fight can go on.

Back from the break, Tully reminds us that tomorrow is Chad Reed day and to celebrate they will be doing all sorts of Chad Reed related things on the show tomorrow. If you want in on the action as a listener, you can choose to either compose yourself a poem about the Great Chad Reed which you can try to call and read on air, or go the easy route and email that poem to the guys at the show at Easy peasy. Make it good!

Christian is in the studio back from the break and Tully informs both him and Ellis that there is an app available that allows you to keep track of how long you have sex. Which, seems pretty useless, but whatever, and that the people who made the app used it to figure out where each of the 50 US states rank in the amount of time people spend in the sack per the average session. Ellis isn’t too keen on this whole idea because he thinks it’s dumb and it’s probably a skewed perspective because obviously not everyone having sex is using this app and yaddayaddayadda, but also because Mark McGrath and Tara Beaulieu made him feel weird about his sex life since they didn’t believe him when he said that he has sex 4 to 5 times per day (on average). Before letting us know the results Tully makes a statement that he was most surprised about what the actual average times were. The number one state was New Mexico which came in at a whopping 7 minutes and 1 second and the (I guess) loser was the state of Alaska which ticked in a measly 1 minute and 21 seconds. Christian made a joke about that not being too surprising because you don’t hear that Alaska is the home to all of the great lovers or anything like that…and then Hubbs made a joke about Katie being from Alaska and I laughed. Boom. They start talking about how Ellis probably only has sex two or three times a day if ‘sex’ counts as when he cums, which is still pretty impressive and I still give him hi-fives, because that’s on average and not all that far from his prior 4 to 5 times per day assertion. They then start talking about how they don’t think a lot of women are able to orgasm in a minute and a half and that’s when I go- no wonder so many women walk around in constant BitchFace, because even the top of the list was only barely 7 minutes. I’d be all bitch in the face too!!! This turns the conversation to women who can’t have vaginal orgasms and only orgasm as a result of clitoral stimulation and Tully digging into his memory banks to say that he’s never had an extended sexual relationship with a woman who was unable to have a vaginal orgasm, so maybe the statistic of it being over 50% who can’t is a little high. Either that or he is seriously bad at feeling out a fake female orgasm.

It’s that semi-annualish time of year again! Time to go through the top contenders that the guys have received for Unsigned Bands! Here is my really bad recap of their unsigned bands segment. They play 12 songs by 12 different bands all in varying degrees of suck and make some funny comments about the varying degrees of suck. Ellis tells everyone that they shouldn’t give up on their dreams, because you never know, unless they are old because then they probably know and just need to be told to go get an education and get a real job cause that shit is just not gonna happen. They have the intern Hardcore come in to listen to some of the songs with them because he is a contrary and Hardcore fellow, but he is young and they guys are trying to stay in touch with the young blood- even if it’s only to tell the young blood that they have shitty taste in music. I guess I count as part of the young blood (though most likely on the brisk of young blood and regular ol’ blood) and I will admit that I have shitty taste in music. I mean, I don’t heart the Biebs or anything, but, I tend to love shitty poppy music, and even I could tell that most of this was just terrible. Lot of bad production, lot of just…terrible instrumental/vocal match-ups, things like that, but they whittled it down to a face off between two bands. Ellis and Christan came down on the side of a band called 610 Connecter while Tully and Hardcore were rooting for an Emo/Skatish sounding band called Abandon All Hope. They put it to the callers and at first 610 Connecter took the early lead, but by the end Abandon All Hope won in the landslide. Throughout the segment the guys had some fun playing with mustache wax and Hardcore the Intern (who really is a contrary individual the likes of which haven’t been seen since that of Mary Mary) and I feel like there might have been a bit of bonding that happened. I don’t think their view of Hardcore or Hardcore’s view of them has changed at all…but…some accepting hatred may have occurred. Just saying.

Back from the break it’s time for a game that was devised by Will, but probably more likely was the brainchild of Betsy because her name gets mentioned later on and she has a great mind for bits for the show. The game is basically a ‘How Well Do You Know Ellis?’ trivia game that is played by Tully, Jetta, Kevin, Christian, and Ellis (to see if he remembers the answers that he gave Will this morning before the AMA) and the winner of it gets to be Ellis’ best friend forever, so it’s a prize that everyone reallyreallyreally wants. I’ve been trying to think of the best way to recap this game since I listened to it and took notes on it and I’m rather stumped to be honest. It was 21 questions plus a bonus question and then there were 5 people answering and I feel like listing all of the questions and all of the answers would take up soooooooo much space. But…I’m at a loss. Seriously…a loss. I just asked Hubbs (see…a motherfucking saint, I tell you) so I’m going to write out the question, the answer, and who got it right.
1. Q: What is Jason’s favorite food in the whole entire world? A: Chocolate
Right: Ellis
2. Q: If Jason were a carpenter, what would he build himself first? A: Yer mum’s house to fuck her in    Right: Ellis
3. If Jason had another male child, what would his name be? A: Twins- Shark Fucker and Michael Jackson    Right: Ellis (Although Tully came close with Laser Fang)
4. What is Jason’s favorite music other than rock/metal? A: Hip-Hop
Right: Ellis, Tully, Kevin, and Christian
5. If he could live anywhere other than America or Australia where would it be? A: Fiji
Right: Ellis and Jetta (pretty sure, at least)
6. What is Jason’s favorite cuss word? A: Fuckin
Right: Tully and Kevin
7. How would Jason like to be buried? A: Viking Funeral
Right: Ellis and Tully
8: If Jason could have any pet, what would it be? A: Shark
Right: Ellis and Christian
9. If Jason could have any guest on his show, who would it be? A: President Obama
Right: Ellis
10. What is the most offensive jewelry a man can wear? A: Shell necklace
Right: Ellis and Tully (because he wrote the book on that…lol)
11. What does Jason think is nature’s perfect food? A: Bat Dung Coffee
Right: fucking nobody…haha
12. How much should a man spend on a first date? A: As much as it takes to get laid
Right: Ellis, Kevin, and Christian
13. What is something about men that women secretly hate? A: Farts
Right: Ellis
14. What is Jason’s favorite mixed drink? A: Rum and Pineapple
Right: Ellis and Kevin
15. What is the world’s greatest smell, according to Jason? A: His kid’s head
right: Ellis
16. What is something that annoys Ellis that people always assume about him? A: That he had sex with Sandra Bullock       Right: Ellis
17. What is the fairest fight between Ellis and an Animal? A: A Cheetah (cause he’s not runnin’ this is a fight, son)     Right: Ellis
18. If Ellis could pick one historical figure to hang out with, who would it be? A: Michael Jordan     Right: Ellis
19. What is Jason’s favorite color? A: Black
Right: Ellis, Kevin, and Christian
20. What is Jason’s lucky number? A: 1
Right: Ellis
21. Who is Jason’s hero? A: Jason Ellis
Right: Ellis and Christian
22. Who is Jason’s best friend? A: Katie
Right: Ellis and I think Christian got that right too
Christian came out the winner beating Tully by one measly point, proving to Mark McGrath once and for all, that not every game is skewed in Tully’s favor. The bonus question was a question that Will asked Rude Jude and had the guys answer. Will asked Jude what his favorite race is. Ellis guessed Spanish, Tully/Jetta/Kevin think that Jude is a White Supremacist, and Christian thought he leaned more toward the Asian Persuasion. They were all wrong. Jude’s favorite race is the hundred meter dash. Ba-dum-pshhhh. You know…that’s supposed to be the drumroll/cymbal thing after a joke. Tell me how you think it should be spelled.

Back from the last break it’s time to talk a little MMA and you may know that I am really bad at paying attention to this whole MMA thing because I’m really not into it unless I’m watching it. UFC 170 is this weekend…probably Saturday because that makes more sense than it being on Sunday and I feel like that’s usually when Hubbs and I would go out to watch it, and it’s a big card. One of the big fights is between Daniel Cormier and Patrick Durkin Cummins (and I know that only because I did the recap yesterday and had to google that shit once already) and the other fight is between Ronda Rousey and Sarah McMan (and I only remember her last name because Christian made a joke about how RR is sososososososososo hot and McMan sort of looks like a McMan). The favorites to win are Dormier and Rousey, respectively, and the guys decide to put a wager on it with some torture going to the loser. Tully and Cumtard each pick a girl, Tully going with the favorite Rousey and Cumtard stuck with McMan the underdog, and the loser has to drink a shot of their own urine. Ick. Actually…I drank pee once when I was little (because I was four and my sister was sort of evil back then) and it wasn’t enough to scar a four year old- so whatevs on that. For the second bet Ellis is backing Dormier to win over Cumtard’s Cummins (haha) and if Ellis loses he has to go on the Cumtardian’s podcast. If TardTard loses he gets to eat whatever he likes for 45 minutes (most likely some lobster tail) and then immediately has to take a big bite out of a raw onion. Because- of course, that’s why. Cumtard says that means on Monday he is going to be drinking his own pee and eating an onion, and it sure looks that way, but Tully says that he is rooting for Rousey to lose because he loves an underdog.

Final calls have sort of been happening since the guys came back from break and there are a lot of people talking about a lot of things and a lot of people getting shot and a couple of kids even call in to the show, for some reason. I’m going to skip all of that. There was one caller who called in and did not give his name, but he had some pretty devastating news: apparently his parents died in a car wreck earlier today and he was driving home to go deal with it. He said on the phone that he didn’t really have anyone to call and talk to about it, so he called Ellis and the guys because, well, Ellis is pretty good with all of this tough shit (as rough around the edges that he may be). He and Ellis talk for a while and Ellis tells him to drive extrasupersafe on his way home and that he’ll get through it, and yes, it will change his life but he should not let it destroy his life. And caller, if you are out there, if this ever crosses paths with you: I’m sure I speak for all of Ellisfam (except for that one dick who needs to have his toenails removed from his feet and forced into the walls of his anus after being barbed for his pleasure) when I say that our heart goes out to you, man. There is not much to be said so far as comfort, because…how can that be comforted? The only thing that will help with the pain will probably be time, but know that Ellisfam has your back. They’ve had my back for a while now, through some of my own tough times, and I’m sure everyone would do the same for you. Please don’t feel alone. Reach out to us here, on twitter, on instagram…we’re everywhere. Personally, I’m always good to listen. I kind of suck at talking…but I will listen and I will try and say the right thing, even if the only thing I say is “that’s shitty, I love you, hugs from far away”. Condolences, unknown caller, my heart is breaking for you.

What we learned on the show today:

I’m sick and cranky

Reddit with Ellisfam is a freewheeling conversation with your fingers

No disease will stop Tully from sending his emails

The guys got their hands on a Keytar

Kelly Slater would kick a shark’s ass in a fight and is also probably Aquaman

Don Fry has a mustache that is not to be fucked with

Ellis got Mustache Wax and a Mustache comb

Ellis is the ideal candidate for a slow poisoning by Jetta and Hardcore

Ellis’ 1st wife took forever to orgasm and it was the worst sex ever cause then she cried

Tully thought the point of sex was to make girls orgasm

Medical Marijuana may or may not help stop the spread of HIV, but it definitely helps cancer patients/terminally ill people eat food

The Raiders Cheerleaders are suing the Management for making them…be cheerleaders

Patrick Durkin Cummins was a Barista 3 days ago and may very be one again next week

Tully is gonna have a shitty weekend bc he and his wife are taking the pacifier away from LittleMan

LittleMan is not, in fact, a little man- he is a feral mutant sewer monkey belligerent idiot moron monkey junkie who doesn’t speak english

Final callers still suck and can’t stop dying




Show Recap for Wednesday 2/19/2014

#TheAwesomeGuideToLife Just keep tweeting it…we’ll get it trending. If you don’t do it…I might not love you anymore. Just sayin.

Ellis opens up the show today with some crazy cat meow trippy background going on, because why the hell not, and he’s been thinking about how easy it is for him to do radio. Seriously. He shouldn’t be allowed to drive, but he doesn’t think that there’s any harm in him being allowed to do a radio show. He’s also gonna go ahead and call bullshit on animals that people say can talk, like whales and dogs, and things like that, because they can’t really talk, guys. Yeah they make all sorts of weird noise and faces and we like to think that they are talking to each other and to us, but they aren’t. They’re animals. They’re dumb. Dogs are gonna be happy when you give them food not because they were asking you for food, but because they’re dogs and they’re dumb and they’ll eat that motherfucking food even if they aren’t hungry and they’ll get fat and dumb(er) and shit. Well…my dog won’t eat if he isn’t hungry…but I’m weird and thereby so is he. And when it comes to whales and them talking to each other, no they don’t! Whales are super dumb! They get themselves into crazy situations where they wind up on beaches and die because they can’t get back off by themselves. Ellis starts wondering if whales beach themselves because they are depressed because all of their whale-talking isn’t working to attract a fe-whale to bone (see what I did there?) and they just want to end their life…but no, probably not, because Tully says that you have to be intelligent to know that you suck and be depressed about your life enough to want to kill yourself and end up a beached whale. It would be cool to see whales jumping in real life though. Like…really real life, not on television…and Ellis wonders where you can go to see something like that? The Antarctic? The Arctic? Turns out that you can see whales jump around in both of those places, but you can’t see Penguins in the Arctic and you can’t see Santa in the Antarctic- they are mutually exclusive fuckers. So that means, as Tully says, that Santa has never seen a penguin, and no penguins have ever seen Santa. That’s kinda sad. But what would penguins even think of Santa? Are they colorblind? Would they just think that he’s some big, disformed, albino penguin? Hmmmm…

This somehow turns into Tully saying that he kind of misses chasing girls around aka ‘The Hunt’. He’s met girls who seemed mysterious and smart, but they really just knew when to not open their mouths to reveal that they were dumb as rocks, but that illusion was shattered at one point where one of these chicks got high and then it was just kind of funny. Oh weed…evening the playing field in the past, present, and for years to come. But Tully misses chasing girls around and flirting and kissing and all of that nonsense, probably because he’s married and doesn’t remember how shitty so much of it really is, but he is quick to say that he definitely doesn’t miss it enough to ditch his current lifestyle of being a hubby and a daddy to go and spend his nights getting drunk and chasing tail. Good save, Tully, good save. Ellis talks about how he is allowed to flirt (because Katie is awesome and really is the perfect woman for him) but he usually doesn’t take the flirting all that far because it just isn’t worth it. In the end, they also have to keep in mind that chasing girls now would be different than chasing girls then because now the girls are all older and shit (because they aren’t creepy and aren’t going to go out and chase 20 year olds) and that’s a game changer.

Ellis posted a new video to last night, of him going off of a ramp and getting shit-whipped. He says that he had about an 80% chance of making it, but then he didn’t, and got knocked the fuck out. He was having fun right up until the lights went out, which is the important thing, and the only reason that he was there was because it was his home ramp (even though it wasn’t the same ramp anymore and was just in the same spot) and he was mostly out of the skating game at that point, but he was on the tour because he was still a fun guy to be around. On the plus side, after being knocked out he woke up in the hospital to a nurse giving his balls a nice warm sponge bath. For the win.

Ellis was on Frank DeCaro’s radio show this morning talking about his book with Frank and Doria. Tully asks Jason what it was like and Ellis gives the wonderful description that the Frank DeCaro show is a lot like The Jason Ellis Show, just more gay. Which really, is a glowing review when you think about it, because Ellis has no hate for gay people. He did say that he felt that it was the best interview that he did for his book, The Awesome Guide to Life, so far because Frank already knows him (which probably means all that bullshitty small talk was over with pretty quick) and because it’s on satellite radio they could have a real conversation about it. On terrestrial radio the subtitle of the book gets bleeped out…and that’s just lame as fuck if you ask me. Or Ellis. I’m sure that he thinks that’s lame as well. Tully and Ellis start talking about Frank DeCaro and how he’s really sort of a 70 year old man in a slightly younger man’s body because he’s into tons of old fashioned shit and owns cookbooks written by celebrities that neither Ellis or Tully have really ever heard of. Tully, however, does think that he’s a lot like Frank because he tends to have, what he calls, the Entertainment Taste of a Gay Man. Why? Well, maybe because when he went to put on Bob the Builder for DudeMan this morning so he could catch a couple extra winks, his DVR was simultaneously recording Frasier and The Golden Girls. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Ellis then starts pressing a bunch of buttons and we hear songs, kitty meows (that may or may not be CumTard), and after hitting a button containing Andy Dick, Tully mentions that Mr. Dick is going to be doing a cameo for Sharknado 2 along with a shit ton of other celebrities who want to cash in, and is also going to be starring Mark McGrath. Killer Karaoke is going to be premiering tomorrow, so Tully makes the suggestion that they should DVR it on the studio’s TV since they have the capability of doing that, but CumTard shows up to shoot that idea down. Why? Because the board needs to be reconfigured to handle this new DVR power and at this point they’d only be able to either see or hear what was going on. Will is the only person who knows how to configure the board and he’s on the phone. CumTard keeps telling Tully that the DVR is good to go and Tully asks, “how can you say it’s ready to go, but we can’t use it?” and the crickets start chirping because there is no equivocating that question. That’s okay though, because Will puts his call on hold to ask Tully what he wants accomplished and without missing a beat tells Tully that it will not be a problem to get it worked out in time for Killer Karaoke’s premiere. Hi-five Wilson, for making things happen.

Tully tells Ellis that The Awesome Guide to Life seems to be doing well, and Ellis mentions that he wants people to take cool pics with the book so that he can retweet them like Jude is doing with Hyena, because that’s a really good idea. This is where Ellis actually mentions that the interview that he did with Frank DeCaro was the best one, but it fit better two paragraphs ago, and then they start talking about how the gay community seems to be more up to date with how people talk which is why Frank wasn’t offended by the shit that Ellis said in the book, and that the regular media is just way too uptight about all of this shit. Tully goes off on a mini rant about ‘traditional media’ and how they are a bunch of robots who all look the same and act the same and wear the same clothes and have the same views to establish some false sense of normality that they preach to people and make everyone watching them want to emulate their standard of normal so as to not be considered ‘weird’ and how the tide is currently turning due to the internet and everyone’s ability to directly interact with one another and go, “hey wait, everyone is really fucking weird”. But there are still people who are trying to hold on to that traditional media way of life and picture of normality which is where some of the backlash for AG2L comes from, because Ellis talks like he talks and says shit and dick and chick and whatever, but the ‘weird’ out there has the numbers to really make this a fight. Plus, everyone should remember that the mainstream media- the news shows, the late night shows, they are mostly geared toward the 50+ community who have only known this ‘standard of normal’ (that doesn’t actually exist) and yeah…fuck normal. They take some calls and Caller Aaron is mad that his friend lies about cross dressing while high on Crystal Meth and Ellis and Tully think that Aaron should be more concerned about the whole Crystal Meth part of that sentence. Caller Louie (and his wife) call because they’re having a debate about the sexual preferences of people who cross dress and Ellis and Tully lay down the wisdom that cross-dressing doesn’t make you guy, having sex with someone of the same sex is probably more what makes you gay (the wife won the debate). A couple other callers call about things that make you gay or mean you’re gay and then Caller Curtis calls. Caller Curtis is a first time caller and first time show listener who decided to give TJES a listen after hearing Ellis on the Frank DeCaro show this morning. He is a gay man and imparts the following wisdom to Ellis, Tully, and all of us listeners: being gay isn’t what you do, it’s who you are inside. Boom. Claps for Curtis. Caller Bob asks Ellis how many drag shows he’s been to, and Ellis has been to one in America, a bunch in Australia, and he went to the Tranny Awards over the weekend. The caller thinks that this is funny and Ellis shoots him off. Ellis says that he doesn’t mind drag shows, but he doesn’t like it when they fake sing, but Tully would probably be all over that so long as they don’t suck. A caller then calls and asks if a person in prison has sex with other dudes because he’s in prison and has no other options is gay…and it really depends…and Tully doesn’t have a solid answer. He regales us with a short tale about when he was in a long dry spell and he would get drunk and go on Craigslist for casual encounters because he was so desperate for beave, but in that time he never considered going to a gay bar where he probably could have gotten laid for sure. Prison sex happens, but Tully doesn’t really get it.

Back from the break (and yeah…all of that shit went on before the first break…this was not a show of many breaks) there’s a guest on the phone! Who is it? It’s Patrick ‘Durkin’ Cummins. If you don’t know who that is, don’t feel bad because I had no fucking idea either, but he is the guy who is currently slated to fight on the card in UFC 170 against Daniel Cormier after an injury knocked out Rashad Evans. Cummins is 4-0 but has no UFC fights under his belt. Ellis tells him that he is about to be a super star and then asks what he was doing prior to getting signed to the UFC a couple of days ago. Cummins tells Ellis how he was working two jobs as a Barista (he can make a heart out of your espresso, adorable) and as a Security Guard. Even if Cummins doesn’t win the fight against Cormier he will remain in the UFC as he has signed a multi-fight deal, but if you ask Cummins, he will tell you that he is going to win. He’ll also tell you that he’s fought/sparred with Cormier before and in that scrap he dropped him on his head and made him cry. Cummins feels that he has the cardio that Cormier doesn’t and while Cormier might be able to take him in a four minute fight, a fifteen minute UFC event is where Cummins is going to come out on top. He says a couple of times that he has nothing to lose, but Ellis points out that he has everything to gain and Cormier has a lot to lose, so it might motivate him to rip Cummins’ head off. Cummins also points out that Cormier has a lot more weight to cut than he does, and that he previously (Olympics) has had trouble cutting weight and he has to cut even more weight here. All in all, Cummins comes off as a determined but very affable guy, and I sort of hope he wins because he reminds me of my friend Dr. Marc who is like a big muscley puppy. Tully tells Cummins that he will be putting thousands of dollars that he doesn’t have on him to win so, you know, no pressure. You can follow Patrick Cummins on twitter if you want @officialdurkin, and you know that you do, in fact, want.

Off the phone, Will is instagramming himself with The Awesome Guide to Life, which is something that you should get on doing. Taking pics with the book, I mean, not being Will in their studio…because Ellis wants to retweet those pics!!! Speaking of The Awesome Guide to Life, Tully is started to get less fake angry and more real angry over the negative reviews coming from females in regard to the book. Why? Because it’s increasingly apparent after reading GQ’s article that these women aren’t even actually reading the book. They are being spoon fed random sentences and reacting out of context, which is just…bullshit. Although, as Tully points out to Ellis, being on GQ’s radar kind of means that you’re making it. Ellis says that he isn’t offended by people who are offended by him, because he gets it. He’s an asshole. He doesn’t sugar coat things. He is trying to be more understandable to women (of women?) but he’s doing it for himself, not for his critics or anyone else. We all know where I stand on this one. Tully points out that the book sort of allows readers to live vicariously through him, and it’s impossible that some of the people reviewing the book have actually read it because it is ridiculously apparent that this is a humorous book from an extreme guy living an extreme lifestyle. He is not telling everyone to go out and sleep with strippers and prostitutes. Get over yourselves negative reviewers. The Awesome Guide to Life is in the #1 slot on two separate Amazon lists though…so…wooo!!!! And ELLIS NEEDS MORE PICS WITH THE BOOK! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?!?!?! Oh wait, there’s one of the book next to an Ellismate tattoo, who’s that from? It’s from Jenni. Boom. Yeah…I just recapped Ellis mumbling my name. Tully said Hubbs’ tattoo was sweet. DoubleBoom.

Time for some Wolfknives names!!!! Welcome to the pack- Billy Ray Virus, President Death, Mr. Chick, Spreewell Menses, Captain Banana Trousers, Emergency Tits, Mr. FuzzyBottom, Mrs. BottomFuzz, Phil Myassin (With Dicks), The Polish Dinosaur, The Black Asian, JohnnyJohnny FuckFuck, Heavy Fingering, Neck Toddler, Napalm Turd, I Eat People, The Fart Whisperer, Fuck My Face, Frozen Shitknife III, and the Fifth Metallica. These were some epic fucking names and I almost didn’t get them all because I was laughing so hard. Captain Banana Trousers!!!!!! Amazeballs.

Back from the second break Tully reminds us all that he and Ellis are doing one of those Reddit AMA (Ask Me Anything) sessions tomorrow (Thursday 2/20/14) starting a 9:30AM Pacific Time, which is 12:30PM Eastern Time, and if you’re somewhere in between…add or subtract an hour as needed. The book is out. It’s real. It’s happening. I don’t know much about AMA’s, but with the anything goes questions, I’m sure it will be super interesting. There was supposed to be a game starting straight back from the break, but they aren’t ready because all of the contestants aren’t there, so CumTard gets his Bummy face kicked out of the studio for now. Ellis and Tully play a video shot by a dad who is sitting in his car and watching kids fall on patches of ice. Tully makes a couple of jokes about not knowing what the white stuff is because he’s a dick and he thinks 50 degrees is cold. It was 45 degrees out in New York today and I was like “Oh my fucking God, thank you for making it warm outside!” The dad doesn’t try and warn anyone about the ice, nor do the kids who are also standing around watching it happen also, and yeah, we’re all a bunch of assholes, because I saw that video and it was funny as hell. Ellis brings up Ronda Rousey and how her father killed himself when she was 8 and how it’s really tempting to think about how that affected her and maybe attributed to her current personality, but her mother was also a Judo Olympian famous for her arm-bars, so maybe Ronda was always going to be insanetastic (yeah, I won’t insult a bitch who can kill me). Tully asks what if she’s too good and there is truly no one who can even come close to beat her? Every great fighter needs a good rival, right? What if Miesha Tate is the best of the rest? Ellis thinks that there has to be someone out there who can beat her and Miesha did give her a pretty good run the second time around, just like there’s someone who can beat Anderson Silva- although apparently Anderson Silva can beat himself (Oh! Too soon? I don’t care! That was all Hubbs and I died laughing). CumTard came up with a short video of a little Russian girl walking on ice for the first time…since they’re just looking for ways to take up time until the game is a go, and all you hear is the girl crunching along on the ice until whack! Her head hits the ground. Ouch. In other news, the UFC and Dana White are talking about uniforms becoming a thing. Some people are having a shit fit over it, but Ellis and Tully are okay with it. Whatever. Lastly (at least for the purposes of this recap) archeologists (probably) have recently unearthed a 200 year old douche! Exciting, right? It was made out of an unidentified mammal bone and was found in Manhattan in the original city hall grounds/ruins/whathaveyou and they’re thinking that they basically uncovered the aftermath of a pretty bitching party because douches were the contraception of choice back in the day and it was found among empty bottles of booze and food containers. WooHoo!

Time for the game! Which is Smell! That! Dick! Wait…what? Well…seems like CumTard is going to do some CumTarded dick sniffing while wearing a Borat style unitard where his own junk is half falling out, much to the chagrin of Tully and Ellis. CumTard sniffs 3 anonymous dicks and tries to place their race…and he is correct. He squeals a couple of times and gets scared about dick hitting his face, but he accurately identifies a white dick, a Spanish dick, and some sort of dip (because there was no third dick available). The dick’s belong to Joanna Angel’s boyfriend who I only know by his twitter handle @the_small_hands and Foxxy @Foxxy702. They hang out in the studio for a while and talk some shop, including confirming that if CumTard had to have sex with any of the dick contestants it would, indeed, be Foxxy. There is some accusations of CumTard being a raging homophobe thrown out by Ellis, but Foxxy comes to CumTard’s defense and says that she doesn’t believe that because they are buds. They talk about CumTard needing to get his style together a little bit more, and Ellis tells him that he needs to stop wearing clothes that are too big on him to try and hide his fat because that just makes him look fatter. They all agree that he should look into dressing like Wimpy from the Popeye cartoons who would gladly pay you Tuesday for a Hamburger today. Ellis asks Foxxy if she thinks that calling Trannies ‘Tranny’ is offensive, and she says that she doesn’t find it offensive, but she knows that some people do take it negatively, although she doesn’t understand why. They talk about Ellis going to the Tranny awards and Foxxy informs Ellis that the older guys who just wear a dress and lipstick and don’t go all out are considered more cross dressers or transvestites as opposed to being Trannies because it’s something they do for a special occasion and it isn’t the life that they live.

Back from the third break, Tully lets us all know that Friday is Chad Reed day!!! All listeners are invited to join in on the celebration by writing poems about good old Chad Reed. You can call in the show on Friday and try and get on air to read your poem, or you can write a poem to email to and have it read on the air for you. Make them good ones, guys!!!! It’s going to be a hell of a day!!! Then Will is in the studio for some sort of reason and sees CumTard half in his unitard and says how he was trying to avoid seeing him in the whole unitard because, I’m sure, he has seen enough frightening things in his lifetime. But, Tully shows him the pic of CumTard unitarding around with the book and Will asks that he ‘take it away’.

And then my Sirius App died. I feel like I really can’t be that mad at it, because it did a hell of a lot better this week than it did last week (thank goodness). I sent a tweet out to the tweeterverse asking what happened in approx. the last 20 minutes of the show and I was told by the one, the only AZ_RedDragon “Ummmm, after I was rockin my balls off to Danzig, they did some shit, it was funny, then final calls, not so funny #MyAppDiedToo”. So…there you go :)

Things we learned on TJES today:

It’s not Christmas, it’s The Jason Ellis Show

The hunt is better than the kill

Will Pendarvis is really just an incarnation of Joe Cocker

There are so many reasons not to do meth

A Normal person knows what they want and are able to get it without sabotaging themselves and hurting other people, according to Tully

If you find your son wearing a dress and masturbating to his own reflection, you might want to keep an eye on his Facebook page

Buffalo Bill shit is abducting fat chicks, starving them until they’re skinny, and making clothes out of their skin- for the record

The second you (a guy) pinpoints the ‘hot guy’, you’re probably gay

No gay man wants to have sex with a guy in an Affliction shirt

Ellis and Tully are ahead of their time

Cary Hart and Chad Reed both had back surgery today

Children are savages

Look out for Booze and Douching- the new song from HateBean

Tully got to use real shampoo this morning but only has a banana for a snack

The media is distracting you with Shia LeBouf and Obamacare because they don’t want the truth to get out about Surf Rage

Farts say more words than Dolphins

CumTard thinks he has the body of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. He doesn’t. He has the body of Master Splinter.

There should be more Trannies at the Golden Globes, because then the Golden Globes would be interesting.

Tweet your Awesome Guide To Life pics to Ellis @Ellismate he will be picking a pic of the week every week and the person who took that pic is gonna get hooked up

Go buy Awesome Guide to Life if you haven’t done it already! It’s amazing! I finished it yesterday and you’ll be hearing my thoughts on it soon!!!!

Show Recap for Monday 2/3/2014

Did you know that @bitPimps is sick with the AIDS and that’s why I’m doing the Monday recap? And did you know that fat people can be skinny, dumb people can be smart, and the old, we’ll they’ll still be old but a better more awesome version of old? Ellis watched the Super Bowl this weekend, not all of it but just enough to know that the game was a one sided steamy pile of bronco shit. And he missed the halftime show but heard the Red Hot Chili Peppers sucked. Ellis and Dingo both saw the moto race though. Here’s a brief summary of the races, one dude went really fast and another dude went really fast also but not as fast as the first dude, then a bunch of guys weren’t as fast as the first and second dude. Chad Reed has flubber in his tires and it’s illegal for him to give Ellis an old imagesone because that’s top secret shit. And the track was slippery. There you go folks, Moto News! You heard it here first. Unless you heard it somewhere else already. What you didn’t hear first is how they got on the subject of Ellis being in the X-Games. All I know is that Ellis doesn’t want to do the mega ramp or anything that will send him to the hospital for that matter. Jason got call from an Indian woman, according to his impersonation, who asked him to be apart of her documentary because she thinks he is interesting looking. They also talked about Ellis’s book. Unlike his last book this one is pretty mild. It’s a split between Jason’s wild and crazy brain and Andrea’s responsible mommy brain. Tully watched the UFC on delay so he could watch The Candelabra. DING! Phil Anselmo has been noted as being a big fan of The Smiths, so much so that he has hinted that Cemetery Gates was named after an earlier song by The Smiths with the same title. This is the second time in my life Anselmo has fucked up Pantera. Fuck you you fuckin fuck! Mommy called, not your mommy, Andrea. She called to explain why she gave the Indian lady his number and the only explanation as to why was a series of giggles as if this was a very well played prank. Well played.
We returned with the exclusive Jason Ellis show MMA correspondent Kenda Perez. They talked about fights and fighting and face punching and cutting weight and stuff like that. It was MMAwesome! <- I gave myself a dick punch for that one. They talked about the Super Bowl again and since I already covered that I’m moving on to more important things. A squirrel in the UK got a monster mask stuck on its head and freaked people the fuck out. Also remember that time that Ellis said that if Chad Reed ends the season as the number one moto warlord of forever that he will do something awesome? Well he did and they talked about it. Ellis isn’t sure though if he’ll do a Mui Tai fight or an MMA fight or a skate competition. But no matter what he isn’t going to half ass it and will train and practice and lolbrary.com_54447_1386365376give it his all. Some knob bitched about Swardson being on the show Friday. I agree with the point the guys made, who gives a fuck who is on or how often as long as it’s entertaining. If you don’t like it, don’t listen. Speaking of whiney ass bitches, Opie was bitching about the birthday barbecue bash. Bunch of knobs. Phillip Seymour Hoffman died. In case you haven’t been on Twitter or Facebook or are breathing. It’s fucked up not because he overdosed but because he left his kids. Tully made the point that short term gratification is often perceived as a mistake while long term gratifications are often cherished. And on such wise and inspiring words I bring you this, Beiber skateboarding on dance floor. Ellis farted on the cat and Katie heard but it’s okay because it’s funny. Its the rule, if its gross its okay, but only if its funny or on video or both

Hollywood and the world is rocked with the allegations that Call Of The Wildman (turtle man) may be fake! But more shocking and completely real is Ellis Jeopardy! And what might end up rocking the world of millions, Dingo was the winner. The show was ended with some dude complaining about getting his poopie poked, a girl wanting to know how to get her poopie poked more, and some dude mumbling something about cookies. Next time he should try getting yer mum off his face before he calls, OH!