Show Re-cap For Monday 10/29/2012

Whatever life hands you, take it like a bitch.

Welcome friends, this is Monday’s re-cap and it’s going to feel so good once it slides it way into you, right to the top. Ellis spent the morning crying his eyes out after waking up super early in the morning and watching some sad-ass tear jerker of a movie called Evening. Hey, Dingo was on the show today, he’s horrible at guessing movies, thinks Helen Hunt is Meryl Streep, and they play retarded cows. Tully served Julia Roberts a coffee sometime in 1997, and no riots broke out – so that proves that Rawdog’s James Franco sighting at the movies doesn’t mean jack shit.  Did you guys hear about the rain that is falling and the wind that is blowing in the American north east? People are shitting their pants, I assume because they’ve never been near a tornado that appears out of no where and wipes the fucking earth bare. At least with hurricanes, you get tons of warning and time. If they tell you to evacuate, do that shit. Otherwise, you bust a deal, you face the wheel.

Thy hurled and blacked outeth.

Sounds like Bubba The Cum Sponge’s ex-wife might be the one who released the tape of her and Hulk Hogan slapping skins, or whatever. But I don’t give a shit and suggest that you should not give a shit either. Somebody got zapped by a guard at the Castle of Tom Cruiseland, and still, I do not give a shit. Some chick that Rawdog knows got mistaken for Zooey Deschanel looking to buy a house in Burbank – which according to Rawdog is pure completely not true. And you know what my thoughts are on that? Don’t care and neither should you. Rawdog (dressed as a ninja) went to a Halloween party with a blacked out Cumtard (dressed as a pirate) this weekend. Before that though, they stopped at Rawdog’s place so he could chat it up with his gay roommates hot friend, who happens to be a girl. The real story here is that Rawdog fell asleep at the party (what an animal), wakes up and finds Cumtard drunk as fuck playing tracks on YouTube and dancing with 2 other dudes. The rest of the story was that Rawdog and Cumtard go home, they stop at Rawdog’s so Cumtard can use the bathroom. The big bomb dropped in this story? Cumtard left the door open. What. The. Fuck. And that was shitty story time with Rawdog and Cumtard.

Wuurt, Wuurt, in de Buurt! Time for the Reverse Awards!

2012 Reverse Awards were announced today, with over two thousand responses tabulated, here are your winners!
Smallest Butthole award goes to: Joanna Angel
Best Podcast award goes to: Mad Scientist Party Hour
Smartest Virgin award goes to: Rawdog
Least Punchable Face award goes to: Rihanna
Most Alive Celebrity award goes to: Will Ferrell
Smartest On-Air Comment award goes to: Gabi Richmond
Person With The Least Heads award goes to: Rihanna
Least Rapey Celebrity Father award goes to: Michael Lohan
She’s Still Got It award goes to: Courtney Love
Band Of The Year award goes to: Neutral Milk Hotel
Athlete Of The Year award goes to: Travis Pastrana’s agent
Least Smelly Box award goes to: Linda Hogan
Most Human Looking award goes to: Shaun White
Best Reality Show award goes to: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
Best Actor award goes to: Adam Sandler
Woman Of The Year award goes to: Nick Cannon
Man Of The Year award goes to: Jason “Mayhem” Miller

Now to final calls, mostly about stripper poles. One big dude that called in, he’s large and he spins around on his stripper pole without it falling down – the one thing I really took for this particular call was that he’s the only one who ever uses it. The only one who ever uses it. Let that sink in. Big dude. Only one who ever uses it. That’s sad. There were more calls about what Ellis should get into next, as a physical hobby. We heard all sorts of suggestions, and pretty much all of them were shot down in a blaze of glory by Ellis. Oh, also, we came up with a great Halloween costume idea, but we’re having a hard time finding just the right amount of cottage cheese to wear in our thighs, ass, and arms to really look (pound for pound) like your mother. OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 10/22/2012

Look, here’s a picture of a of a chick standing in the ocean with her snorting cocaine stars in space. Just because.

It’s Monday, and we did it! We lasted an entire week without any live shows! But only because @Cullensaidthis put together some sweet “best of” licks, so quick shout out to that soon to be baby daddy. I’m not even sure I remember how to do re-caps anymore, but let’s give it a shot, like a shot of semen in your butt! HEYOH! You’re only as old as you feel, and Ellis feels twelve even though he finally caught radio AIDs from Rawdog & Tully while on his stay-cation. Dingo was there today, they were talking about Ellis being able to test out a bunch of new motorscooters last week, and we learned that Dingo broke his leg when he was about six – he rode his little dirt bike into a pile of bricks. We heard the re-telling of the epic story of Rawdog’s sister breaking his clavicle, and how he survived the whole ordeal even though his tough-ass didn’t want to go to the hospital at first. Hey, shout out to us today! Rawdog’s interview, Get Deep Inside Rawdog, got mentioned and we got made fun of, so that was fuckin’ awesome!

Going to Japan is like being a sexually assaulted fly.

Big news, Evander Holyfield is rumored to be coming out of retirement at age 50, no word on if he plans to hock his own line of indoor grilling apparatus. Sounds like he’s broke, owes a landscaping company some skrilla, and was linked to… wait for it… a company that gave athletes steroids! Fifty is dropping butt burps all over the studio today, so he got banished to the prize chamber. Tully went to Japan last week, flying with his wife, son, and mother-in-law for twelve ma-fucking hours, while he was sick. They sleep on shitty futons on the floor while they’re in Japan, which has to suck puppy farts. His grandmother-in-law wanted to give him some local remedy for his sickness, a turpentine horse shit nose thing. Breakfast consisted of 9 different types of slime shit and a bunch of people sitting around loudly slurping down their slime breakfast – which was driving him nuts. Several times his wife’s grandmother didn’t realize he was in the room and so he would inadvertently see her in her underwear, over and over. Everyone spoke in Japanese, leaving him sitting in silence and bored while they yammered on about something, maybe uncooked slimy food.

This is you after having a meaningful session of love making with Tully.

Keeping on the topic of Japan, doctors had to remove a dildo from dude’s intestines before he died. And apparently Tommy Lee Jones is a goddamned legend in Japan, for some reason they like older dudes with more lines and wrinkles in their faces than Santa’s balls on a road map. In a totally straight, no homo way, what dude would you most like to fuck? Dingo fancies Leonardo DiCaprio, Tully wouldn’t mind doing Dwyane Wade, Ellis thinks Trent Reznor might be a solid choice, and Rawdog chooses Sam Elliott because he thinks it would be more like making love as Sam’s mustache would comfort him. All of this talk got brought to a screeching halt thanks to a very descriptive caller who had a clearly well thought out scenario as to how he would like to have sex with Tully. Turtles are completely fucked up, they shit their dick out and piss out their mouths. What in the mother of fuck is the deal with that? It’s like nature got drunk as fuck and lost a bet. Allegedly, Amish people are super into bestiality and incest, and I don’t think anyone is super surprised about this claim. Rawdog could use some ideas on outdoor activities that promote physical fitness, probably by himself for the time being, and fucking your mother in an alley doesn’t count, because everyone does that. OH!

Get Deep Inside Rawdog

@bitPimps and @AZ_RedDragon have a Q & A session with Josh “Rawdog” Richmond, the accidental genius who provides some of the most sought after radio gold one could only hope for.

Why do you hate Tully so much?
I don’t hate Tully at all! He is my good friend.

Then why didn’t you play anything from his new album on New Music Tuesday?
We played tracks from his album (Retrofit, avaliable on iTunes) the day before. New Music Tuesday is for music we haven’t already played on the show. I don’t make the rules, I just choose them arbitrarily. Besides, he got a special announcement before that week’s segment! That’s an even bigger honor than being in the actual segment.

Are you jealous of Tully for having his own album?
I have six unreleased albums. I think he’s jealous of me.

Okay, those were jokes. We know you don’t hate Tully. But why are you so racist?
A sheltered upbringing, and living in a capitalist pseudo-caste-system society that renders the minority underclass virtually invisible.

Then why do you only talk up Jewish people and no others?
Christians are doing just fine, they don’t need my endorsement.

Okay, okay, that was a joke too. But why do you hate the fans so much? Is it because they harass you like a little brother?
I don’t hate the fans! Well, most of them. Some of them take the harassment past little brother levels. Some of them seem convinced that what I do on the radio is actively ruining their lives, which I don’t completely understand. But mostly, I’m amazed and grateful for the community of fans that have grown around this show, and how cool and creative and supportive they are.

After Tully left, it was just you and Ellis. You were more than uncomfortable during some bits, you were mad. For example, when he first started making you talk like “Sarah.” But that turned out to be a hilarious bit that is still continued at times and you’re okay with it now. How did you come to terms with your dynamic with Ellis and are you glad you did?
There was always great chemistry between Jason and I, dating back to my intern days, and when we’re in sync we can make amazing radio. But there’s a flip side when we’re not in sync, and we get into vicious cycles, where Jason’s like “Put the silly hat on!”, and I’m like “I don’t want to put the silly hat on, it’s making me insecure!” and Jason’s like “Do it you fucking pansy!”, and because we’re both very stubborn it doesn’t end well. Tully’s return helped enormously, not just because of his crazy talent, but because Tully is like human tiger balm; his perpetual calm soothes everyone around him. (Canadians might disagree). These things take time, and I won’t lie, there were some very tough moments, but I’m glad I stuck around long enough to get to this point, because I think what we have now between the three of us equals anything on radio.

Over the years, you have spawned some of the best accidental radio ever to be broadcasted. Do you really recognize that? How does that make you feel?
You can go ahead and knock the word “accidental” off of that sentence. I’d rather say “I’ve spawned some of the best radio ever broadcasted”. It feels good.

You’ve had quite a few awesome experiences and opportunities with the show, for example, being jacked off by 3 porn stars in a bathroom. If you had to pick one or two, what would you consider to be the best?
Believe it or not, those bathroom handjobs caused as much anxiety as excitement for me. (You try getting a handjob that you know is going to be broadcast to millions of people sometime.) But other things…meeting Ozzy Osbourne…eating chicken nuggets off a porn star’s box while singing Meat Loaf…playing keyboards in an honest to god rock band…showing hundreds of unsuspecting fans a giant slow-motion pussy fart at a Hollywood movie theater…those will stay with me forever.

How bad do you want to take control of the Hulk Hands and dispense some dick punch justice?
I can handle dick punch justice. It’s better than leg kick justice.

If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would it be: A) The Holocaust, B) Briar, C) Losing your car at Coachella, or D) The underage circle jerk?
Let’s work backwards. Everyone has some shameful moment of pubertal awkwardness, and mine could have been worse, so I’ll keep D. C was a stressful couple of days that turned out to be a pretty good story. B was very painful for me, but I think it was necessary to grow and become a better, healthier person. Meanwhile, A is the systemic slaughter of millions of innocent people by an evil madman. After careful thought, I’m going to go with A…you monster.

Here’s your chance to give a blanket statement to everyone that listens to the show. What do you say?
Blankets are great because they keep you warm on cold nights. I personally don’t even use pillows, I just tuck a corner of my blanket under my head and I’m good to go. You should try it. You’ll save all that money you were going to spend on pillows.

Jager BeardYou have more nicknames than everyone on the show, combined. Sometimes you’re given grief and sometimes you’re given props, or even defended. How does that make you feel?
What’s with all the “how does this make you feel” questions? You aren’t my therapist. Look, like you noted, I’m kind of the kid brother of the show, and I accept that I’m always going to get picked on for that. I think I get a lot less shit than I used to, though, because I’m quicker and funnier than when I started, and have earned the respect of the guys a bit. At least, that’s what I tell myself.

You were once an intern, do you treat the new interns with a little more compassion because of it or do you just say fuck it, payback time?
I always treat the interns well. You never know, one of them could be really talented, and then there’s a chance I’ll be working alongside them. At the same time, I like having people fetch things for me. It makes me feel rich.

Do you think you will ever learn to ride a bike or learn how to properly beat up women?
I’ll probably learn to ride a bike someday. Probably some future girlfriend will want to go on a bike ride through the park together or something gay like that, and I’ll have to learn. But I don’t think I’m ever going to administer a serious beating to any woman.

As a man do you feel bad after punching a woman in the face or are you excited because the bitch had it coming?
I feel bad. Women are awesome! I don’t relish punching them. I do it because it’s my duty.

THE END

Thanks to Rawdog for being such a good sport, both on and off-air, and for taking the time to do this Q & A session. Without him, the show wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining and his idiosyncrasies may make him a target for jokes at times, but they’re also just one of the many reasons everyone loves him.

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Show Re-cap For Wednesday 10/10/2012

I wrote for Love Connection, so neener, neener, neener!

Happy get your fuck on day, everybody! Mel Gibson might be a bit misunderstood, if not abusive, but he makes pretty great movies – such as “What Men Tell Women They Better Fucking Do, Or Else” – love that movie. Hey, it’s Ellis’ Australian birthday today, he’s 41. Did you wish him a happy birthday or even send him a nude photo of your boobs or moobs? Chicks look awkward when playing sports or guitars, it’s just a fact of the world. Tully and Will found some more old CDs of the show from 2007 or so, they listened to some of it after yesterday’s show and it sounds like Tully will go through and pick out some things he thinks Ellis and everyone else may enjoy listening to. Maybe this will be part of the “Best Of” we’ll be hearing next week while the show is on vacation?

And then Sam Ruben left the show.

KTLA’s Hollywood gossip dude, Sam Ruben, came on the show today saying he exchanged emails with Tully. Turns out it wasn’t Tully at all, it was Pendarvis that he emailed back and forth with, he was trying to get Ellis on his show after several people canceled on him. Sam seems like he totally does not respect anyone on the show except Ellis, he certainly was coming off as an elitist of sorts – at least that’s how I took it. Okay, Sam finally fucking left, which left oxygen for the rest of the guys to breathe and have a moment to say something. Man, that dude can talk, right?

Batman approves.

And then we get New Music Wednesday. Talk about a dick punch. Lightening Train got his shot to make an intro button to the segment, it was pretty terrible but hey, they can’t all be winners. All we can hope for now is that The Jingleberries tear him a new asshole when they make fun of his grunt pump noises. Are you an aspiring comedian? Want to be crucified some constructive criticism? Send in a clip of stand-up routine to EllisParodies@gmail.com for a shot at getting your shit played on the show. Remember that story Rawdog started last week, where he was talking about walking around NYC after the show? He made butt sects with some dude that night, at his sister’s bar. Okay, that’s not true at all, the real story is that two people recognized him and said “hi.” Cool story, bro. Another cool story is how I tricked your mom into showing me her tits. I asked her if she knew what kind of bees give milk. Boobees. OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 10/9/2012

You’re all wrong, it’s butt chugged piss!

It’s Tuesday and I want this stupid bitch client to get fucked with a Rambo knife, she’s such a stupid cunt. Okay, sorry. I just had to get that out. Look, nobody is gonna tell Ellis what to do, nobody is gonna tell me what to do, and nobody is gonna tell you what to do either. Fuck all that shit. Mayhem is flipping his shit? Duh. He’s gonna go through whatever it is he’s going through and hopefully he’ll pull himself back out of it and carry on. Carry on my wayward son, there’ll be peace when you are done, lay your weary head to rest, don’t you cry no more. Shit, I did not mean to bust out some Kansas, that shit just happened. Sounds like Ellis might have gotten another book deal, it’s not 100% solidified, but it sounds like it might be close to that. Yelawolf was on Jude’s show sometime in the past, he left a bottle of his pain killers there – which Jude was ready to munch until Yelawolf came back to get them. We found out who the mastermind was behind Mayhem being completely fucked up at EllisMania 8, Jude. He gave him drugs. Can you believe Jude has never done coke? Me neither, that’s kinda fucking weird considering how into synthetics he is.

At least pretend to give a fuck.

That chick that sings with Death! Death! Die!, @lisadonnelly, was on the show today to hear her latest work on the “In The Water” song. She might sing about her alleged large dick in the song, but she’s unwilling to hump Ellis or Rawdog’s leg with her very real cookie. Ellis and Lisa sang an acoustic version of “Load” while Tully strummed the guitar, and I assume Rawdog just sat there being all sad while thinking about the load he shot on his now ex-girlfriend’s face. Ellis went into story mode and started telling of the time when his dad beat his ass because he wasn’t washing his car or something, that’s when everyone started chiming in to turn his story into song form – it was beautiful. More importantly, Lisa has a new album coming out soon, she’s unsure of the name of the album at this point, but you can pre-order or “pledge” to her album. Here comes a really cool thing, you can donate some money and do a song with her, or collaborate on song, etc. Just think of the possibilities, you could have your own “If You Love Me, Start Butt Chugging” jam or maybe something like “Dick Cancer Karate Chop”, you get the idea.

That’s not desire, she just needs to take a massive shit.

Multiple sex toy owner Adrianne Curry came on the show today, newly almost divorced and already with one boyfriend left in the dust. She said she fucked herself a lot while being married because Peter Brady (aka Christopher Knight) wasn’t fucking her, but maybe it’s because she’s a nympho and his old ass couldn’t keep up. She wants to have a monogamous fuckfest with someone, she’s not into multiple partners because she’s scared of catching a disease – so that would seem to strike Ellis off the list of a potential fuck partner. She’s also anti-butt stuff, including rim jobs – her words, “I know what comes out of my ass after all my protein shakes and Jager bombs, and it ain’t pretty.” She also claimed to have “swamp vagina” during her visit on the show. That is one classy broad, good to see all that charm school is paying off for her. Overall, she is a pretty good guest, she talks like “just one of the guys” and is pretty open when discussing herself.

America’s first and whitest Blood gang member.

Hey, you ever do any butt chugging? If so, get out of my sight. Wanna see an old guy holding a press conference about butt chugging? Well here you go! Guess who’s the new owner of www.fucktully.com? Nope, not some random fan, but Tully himself! He has no idea what he’s doing with it yet, but one could only be lead to believe that there will be some fuck Tully available at rock bottom prices. Everyone’s favorite, South African, racist, animal lover, and director of Big Fucking Mega Boat, Donald Schultz, stopped by the show today after doing the Bean and Playboy shows earlier. He says that he has been getting a lot of positive feedback from the movie, and after the release of BFMB, it’s unknown how long he can keep James Cameron and Judd Apatow at bay. Speaking of keeping cock hungry whores at bay, your mom is now all over Schultz’s tube steak smothered in underwear, which is weird because he’s not only racist, but white, and yet she wants him to “show her it’s true what they say about black men”, so he plans to stab her and steal her purse. OH!