Show Re-cap For Tuesday 11/13/2012

Does this book really work? I’ve never read the fucking thing.

Happy Tuesday my fellow queef sniffers! Ellis made a list to remind himself to do something. The list says “Show” and then there’s a lightening bolt. And guess what? BOOM! There’s a show today, so chew on that shit! You know crazy Aussie guy who isn’t Ellis, but he calls Ellis and leaves Gregtallica messages on his phone? Yea, him, Gregsy. He started the “you’ve got the toss” shit, he’d grab Ellis’ forearms and tell him “me, you, we’re in!” and how nobody else knew, but they owned shit. Gregsy was a talented photographer, a creative guy, but from the sounds of it, also crazier than a shit house rat on a fishing boat. I’m not sure what exactly that means, but it’s pretty fucking serious. This lead into talk about the “life of the party” type guys and how later in life, things didn’t usually work out too great for them. Guess who’s bailing out of lifting weights at the gym? NOPE! Not Rawdog! That’s right, Ellis bailed on Rawdog. Ellis is just going to buy gym shit for his, says it’s too hard with the whole drive time thing to get to the gym in the morning. Hey, shout out to us on the show today, thanks to Will Pendarvis’ recent interview. Ellis hates the website, which of course is exactly what we like to hear, so things are looking up! Just in case you weren’t already sure, having a micro dick would fucking suck. A little contest on the show today, Stupid Things Celebrities Have Said. There was a lot of stupid and I didn’t bother keeping track of it all, so you’re just going to have to trust me about there being a lot of stupid, or you can always listen to the replay or on-demand shows. Tickets for Death! Death! Die! “The Wreckoning” featuring a dead horse’s cock on Saturday December 15, 2012 at Cheetahs Gentleman’s Club have gone on sale, so if you’re one of the lucky ones that can make it out to LA, go buy your tickets now.

New Music Tuesday? I got your NMT right here!

Next up, NMT and three tracks from the new Machine Fucking Head Live album. The first track was a solid 5 minutes of fans chanting “Machine fucking head”, then we heard a screamy track, then a track where Robb Flynn “fuckin’ thanks all the fuckin’ fans in that particular fuckin’ city” before going into the song “Darkness Within” with the crowd still chanting shit and trying to play sing-a-long. We also got to hear another full-on 5 minutes of talking from a new track off of Aerosmith’s latest album – which just so happened to be recorded merely feet away from where the guys are currently sitting. Trent Reznor made an appearance for his song on the Call of Duty: Black Ops II soundtrack. Next was a rapper named Murs, he said something about chains, pictures, elixers, and I think I heard a Snickers in there too. Christina Aguilera’s new song “Your Body” was played, pretty sure she drinks Go Girl energy drink. Another stinky piece of shit was up next, by Lana Del Rey, her rendition of “Blue Velvet” so you can guess how well that went over. Travis Barker & Yelawolf came in to put some funk on that previous stank, the first track was okay but nothing that’s going to make you okay with getting snowballed. The next track was full of rasta, and the final track played was kind of like spoken word Def Poetry Jam. Deftones were next and that shit got cut short as Mayhem entered the studio.

One more shout out. This is for everyone who participated on the Q & A with Will.

Mayhem entered wearing Chad Reed’s (from D!D!D!) helmet that he gaffled from EllisMania 8. He was thinking Ellis might give him a pop for not being on the show in such a long time, Ellis said he didn’t care, but it didn’t really sound like that was totally truthful. At any rate, Ellis and Mayhem fell right back into their typical routine and all was right in the world. Until… Rawdog mentioned there were still a few more tracks left on NMT. Shit. Okay, let’s just get this over with. A track from Green Day, if you’ve heard one of their songs, you’ve heard all their songs. Shitlicking Dickerson Aaron Lewis from Stained, he played some shitty country song. New Soundgarden track, it sounded more like the Soundgarden of old that everybody loved but have mostly forgotten about by now. Finally, Rawdog’s pick of the week – it was some fecal freak German band called Mouse on Mars, and as you might expect, it was pure shit. Hollywood news was the next segment, I was stuck in traffic while this bit played. I have no notes about it, so we’ll just hit the skip button here. Mayhem tried answering final calls but got fired from that when he wouldn’t stop talking so the caller could be heard – duties returned to Cumtard at that point. Your mom has finally fucked all the straight men in this world and so now she has to move on to gay men. The big dilemma, how do you get a gay guy to fuck your mom? Stick a log of shit in her pussy. OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 10/9/2012

You’re all wrong, it’s butt chugged piss!

It’s Tuesday and I want this stupid bitch client to get fucked with a Rambo knife, she’s such a stupid cunt. Okay, sorry. I just had to get that out. Look, nobody is gonna tell Ellis what to do, nobody is gonna tell me what to do, and nobody is gonna tell you what to do either. Fuck all that shit. Mayhem is flipping his shit? Duh. He’s gonna go through whatever it is he’s going through and hopefully he’ll pull himself back out of it and carry on. Carry on my wayward son, there’ll be peace when you are done, lay your weary head to rest, don’t you cry no more. Shit, I did not mean to bust out some Kansas, that shit just happened. Sounds like Ellis might have gotten another book deal, it’s not 100% solidified, but it sounds like it might be close to that. Yelawolf was on Jude’s show sometime in the past, he left a bottle of his pain killers there – which Jude was ready to munch until Yelawolf came back to get them. We found out who the mastermind was behind Mayhem being completely fucked up at EllisMania 8, Jude. He gave him drugs. Can you believe Jude has never done coke? Me neither, that’s kinda fucking weird considering how into synthetics he is.

At least pretend to give a fuck.

That chick that sings with Death! Death! Die!, @lisadonnelly, was on the show today to hear her latest work on the “In The Water” song. She might sing about her alleged large dick in the song, but she’s unwilling to hump Ellis or Rawdog’s leg with her very real cookie. Ellis and Lisa sang an acoustic version of “Load” while Tully strummed the guitar, and I assume Rawdog just sat there being all sad while thinking about the load he shot on his now ex-girlfriend’s face. Ellis went into story mode and started telling of the time when his dad beat his ass because he wasn’t washing his car or something, that’s when everyone started chiming in to turn his story into song form – it was beautiful. More importantly, Lisa has a new album coming out soon, she’s unsure of the name of the album at this point, but you can pre-order or “pledge” to her album. Here comes a really cool thing, you can donate some money and do a song with her, or collaborate on song, etc. Just think of the possibilities, you could have your own “If You Love Me, Start Butt Chugging” jam or maybe something like “Dick Cancer Karate Chop”, you get the idea.

That’s not desire, she just needs to take a massive shit.

Multiple sex toy owner Adrianne Curry came on the show today, newly almost divorced and already with one boyfriend left in the dust. She said she fucked herself a lot while being married because Peter Brady (aka Christopher Knight) wasn’t fucking her, but maybe it’s because she’s a nympho and his old ass couldn’t keep up. She wants to have a monogamous fuckfest with someone, she’s not into multiple partners because she’s scared of catching a disease – so that would seem to strike Ellis off the list of a potential fuck partner. She’s also anti-butt stuff, including rim jobs – her words, “I know what comes out of my ass after all my protein shakes and Jager bombs, and it ain’t pretty.” She also claimed to have “swamp vagina” during her visit on the show. That is one classy broad, good to see all that charm school is paying off for her. Overall, she is a pretty good guest, she talks like “just one of the guys” and is pretty open when discussing herself.

America’s first and whitest Blood gang member.

Hey, you ever do any butt chugging? If so, get out of my sight. Wanna see an old guy holding a press conference about butt chugging? Well here you go! Guess who’s the new owner of Nope, not some random fan, but Tully himself! He has no idea what he’s doing with it yet, but one could only be lead to believe that there will be some fuck Tully available at rock bottom prices. Everyone’s favorite, South African, racist, animal lover, and director of Big Fucking Mega Boat, Donald Schultz, stopped by the show today after doing the Bean and Playboy shows earlier. He says that he has been getting a lot of positive feedback from the movie, and after the release of BFMB, it’s unknown how long he can keep James Cameron and Judd Apatow at bay. Speaking of keeping cock hungry whores at bay, your mom is now all over Schultz’s tube steak smothered in underwear, which is weird because he’s not only racist, but white, and yet she wants him to “show her it’s true what they say about black men”, so he plans to stab her and steal her purse. OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 7/10/2012

Aggressive anal probably feels better than shitting out a kid.

Welcome to Tuesday’s re-cap of The Jason Ellis Show. The show stars Jason Ellis, probably most notably known as a professional daycare provider, Michael Tully, and Joshua Richmond. Only one thing in that last sentence isn’t true, can you guess which part? Sounds like Katie told Ellis that he’s a little weird when it comes to aggressive assplay, which sounds like a legit reason to be a little weird about it. The words “aggressive” and “assplay” right next to each other tend to invoke fearful thoughts. There was talk about how much of “sell out” someone might be, even if they’re rich. I don’t give two shits how rich I am, if the money is that good – I’d be out there putting my face on yogurt that makes your poops more regular if that brings me massive checks. I’m looking at you (and your tits), Jamie Lee Curtis.

I came here to drink beer and post a re-cap, and I’m almost done with the re-cap.

Some 16 year-old caller says his 17 year-old buddy went to the hospital and blew a .38, which really isn’t that great at that age – he should definitely be blowing at least aggressive 7’s. I should try to squeeze in a joke about 38 Special here, but I’m just not into it so you’ll have to make something up on your own. Hey man, weed should be legal, know what I’m sayin’? Ya feel me? Get it now? Do ya? Lots of callers had lots of opinions about alcohol and smoking weed and all types of ill shit. It was neat. And by neat, I of course mean snorefest. I’m pretty sure we all have “me and/or a friend drank too much” and “legalize weed, man” stories, they’re all pretty much the same. In some lying ass article, men don’t always need to have sex, sometimes they just want to cuddle – coincidentally, they call those men, women.

31 flavors under each roll of fat

In the saddest news possible, the band Chumbawamba is breaking up after 30 years. I know, I know. I’m already working on a fan site dedicated to Chumbawamba, where we can all gather and share our thoughts and talk about all the good times we’ve had while Tubthumping. Several callers claimed to have “funny stories”, and as you can guess, none of them were funny – the best part is that Shoebox lost $10-$15 dollars on betting whether or not the caller’s stories would be funny or not. They weren’t. New Jew Music Tuesday was tolerable today, mostly because Yelawolf (@Yelawolf) dropped some new shit today, even though nobody could figure out the lyrics, it still sounded good, and then the new “Slingin’ Cream” song was played today as well. Speaking of slingin’ cream, your mom and her “friend from work” have been tag teaming the delivery guy from Baskin Robbins for free treats since back in the day, when they were just 185 pounds. OH!