Monthly Archives: April 2013

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 4/9/13

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Well, Shit on my sherbet, it’s Tuesday and it’s midday and it’s time for me to give you my own wonderful recap of today’s Jason Ellis show. Now with 20% more anal bleeding jokes!!! Today’s show started with Ellis telling everyone they were great. No real reason, just to say it cause he wanted to. Then he noticed how smooth Rawdog’s forehead was, but it’s still a little weird. Kind of a fivehead almost. Still looks good on him though, definitely better than having to tattoo a wolf’s head on to replace your hairline. (Just kidding, it’s a decent look for some people) What ever happened to that guy Ian Zering from 90210? He got a receding hairline and fucked off into obscurity, that’s what. But hey, at least he’s not advertising products to help stop you from bleeding out your ass. Basically, if you’re bald, you need to do something energetic. It’s a biological advantage to make you faster and fly higher and be that much more awesome. Make the bald work for you god dammit. Don’t let it turn you into a steaming pile of shit, it’s that much less maintenance too. Rawdog was feeling a little down about his skills getting the ladies, but was good enough to share about it. Rude Jude stepped in to let everyone know that their problems are far worse than his are. Jude was in New York last week and got to see that everyone at Sirius/XM New York is fucking down because they work there and everyone is bleeding out of their asshole. Jude on the other hand, is happy as fuck, he’s got a Christian Slater hairline and a whole radio station pretty much to himself. Jason offered to take Rawdog out for food after work to help him meet girls, but Jude had to interject and say that Jason might just cockblock Josh without meaning it. But of course the wing was two steps ahead and said they would only try to pick low hanging fruit. Jude was honestly interested in helping the dog out and had a Q&A session to see what Rawdog’s pussy chasing style is. Basically, Rawdog is kinda awkward in getting to know people, he needs to find a way to let people know that in advance so they know what to expect and work with it and bring out his inner testicular fortitude. More dating tips and stuff for Josh, he seemed to take it in pretty well, definitely brought his mood up knowing that no matter who you are, there is someone who will fuck you and you will probably be at least a little bit mutually attracted to them. Some girls called in to give their take on what Josh should do. There was some good opinions, even a couple ladies who said they would jump his bones no questions asked. That seemed to put a smile on his face. Everybody perked up a lot as soon as Rawdog started feeling better, and that’s what’s really important. Some more girls called in to say that they get weird too, but all you gotta do is own it and swing your dick like a wrecking ball on crack and everything will go just fine. The guys kicked around the idea of staging a Rawdog rescue where Ellis would get creepy aggressive and Rawdog would come and save them with a superman punch. They tried acting the whole scene out and I gotta say, it sounds like it could work. Basically, it could as long as the club manager would let Rawdog Deck Jason, he could be swimming in the beef pool in no time. Change of subject here, but do you think you would have a good time fucking an octopus? I mean it’s pre-lubed, and it does have all the tentacles to do extra stuff with, but if it wasn’t venomous and didn’t have that crazy beak, it would be a good time, right? Doesn’t seem like the type of animal who would do anything that would make your asshole start bleeding. I’m not saying let’s start getting in to beastiality, let’s just make sure we keep our options open. It’s a great big world, there’s all kinds of things to fuck that may or may not be a great time.

 

Hey, do you need to know how to do stuff? Do you think that Rawdog is a person worth listening to when it could be a matter of life and death or saving your relationship or protecting your home and valuables from harm or raising your children properly or maintaining your physical and mental well being or pretty much anything that the greater population would refer to as common sense? Well, then you’re in for a treat cause it’s time for Doin’ Stuff with Rawdog!!! BUT FIRST IT’S MMA NEWS!!! Matt Mitrione got suspended from the UFC for some comments he made about the transgendered fighter Fallon Fox. And god damn if the Tussin Wolf didn’t give us one of the best Italian/British/New yorker accent ever in quoting what he said too. And it all sounds like a pretty legit argument about whether or not Fallon Fox should still be allowed to fight women, and there’s even science coming in to play about it too. Basically, it seems like someone’s gonna need to dig really deep into this particular situation to make a proper judgement about what the rules are for transgendered fighters. More importantly though, Rawdog needs to teach us how to get out of those sticky situations that don’t have anything to do with getting girl juice on your divining rod. We first learned how to get rid of a tree stump in the back yard. The first problem with this is, if you cut the tree down from too high, you’re gonna leave a stump. So don’t be a dumbass in the first place. Next, a caller needed to know how to get a promotion at his software company. Of course there’s the obvious stuff, new ideas, save the company money, make up something fucking ridiculous that idiots will throw money at, or rip off someone else’s idea and then while pitching it to your boss, suck his dick. The next problem Rawdog was able to solve was how to put tire chains on so you don’t get stuck in the snow. Basically, you gotta reach into the trunk of the truck you’re driving, and it’s a big circular chain with a big hole in the middle, and you line it up with the hub cap, and then you pull the donut part over the tread part of the tire, but don’t forget to jack up the car first so you can get the chain all the way around the tire. Next, we got a few tips on how to fuck a random pregnant lady without hurting the baby, basically it’s a matter of position. Doggy is cool, but don’t let her go completely face down. Missionary won’t work, cause you could crush it from above, and whatever you do, it’s gotta be gentle pumping, seriously she’s about to be a mother. Next caller wanted to know how to make a western omelet for his wife. Of course you need, ingredients and pots and pans and an oven and hands and don’t forget to keep breathing so you don’t die while you’re cooking. And then, you watch the last time Josh made an omelet on Ellismania.com and the rest explains itself. Shouldn’t take you more than about 15 minutes, start to finish. Next, we learned how to wax a snowboard, basically you need a brush and some of that fancy snowboard wax they sell at the snowboard shop, then you brush it on vertically, just like licking pussy, one thin layer, let it dry a couple hours and your good to go. After that, we had to have a special father son talk about the birds and the bees. Rawdog’s best answer for it is how the fuck should I know, my dad never had that conversation with me, but if you’re gonna tell your kids about it, the best way to teach them is porn, and of course to explain it intelligently and give facts and then leave the room as quick as possible so they don’t ask any questions that you don’t want to answer. Next, we learned how to diagnose starting problems on a motorcycle, first check for fuel in the tank, cause we all make a Mulligan sometime, next you gotta check if the engine is working properly, but if it cranks and won’t run, your transmission is shot, don’t even bother just buy a new one, which segues perfectly into the next set of tips about buying a used car. You gotta test drive it, make sure it stops, and the radio hasn’t been stolen, and that the mirrors and shit are all still there, no strange smells that aren’t nugget dipping sauce, and that it’s not a fucked up blue 1996 BMW 318i that your Nana has to buy for you with your trust fund money. Make sure it isn’t haunted either, that brings it’s own whole set of problems. And of course, when negotiating the price, shoot real low until you wear them down to about half whatever they were asking. Or maybe even as low as one fifth the asking price. Don’t be a Jew or nothing, just stick to your guns (Again, kidding, I love the Jews, those fuckers know how to party). Of course we had to learn how to slip it in the poop shoot without causing anal bleeding or premature ejaculation. Basically, you gotta start by romancing the whole woman first, then romance the butthole, maybe with a finger or a tongue, and then you lube that crankshaft and then just ease it on in and keep it mellow until she starts saying creepy angry shit to you, after that you’re clear to bust that ass open like a can of peanuts under a truck tire. Next up, we learned how to make moonshine, and it basically gave us no real information, seeing as the ingredients are top secret, what with it being an ancient American tradition and all, but first you need to grow some wheat, and you know, some barley and shit, water is probably one of the ingredients, yeast and some other shit, and then you leave it in a bath tub for a few months, and then you put it in a jug and get fucking SHIT HAMMERED!!! Next up, we learned that in order to install a new electric dishwasher, first you have to make sure it’s plugged in, then you have to give it a dry run with no dishes in it and you’re golden. Someone wanted to know how to get a cat out of a tree, and if you’re not a whiny bitch who would normally call the fire department, just climb up there and grab the fucker. And of course, bring a satchel to put the cat in once you’ve got him, but don’t punch the cat to calm him down to get him in to the bag. That’s fucked up, and P is for pussy cause cats are adorable. Next, we had a guy who broke a guitar string and needed to replace it so that his shitty Radiohead cover band could make their show, so what he needed to do was unscrew the top and bottom part of the string, and then stretch the new string good and tight then screw it back down and crank the “Suck” up to eleven mother fuckers. Next we got gardening tips about how to make your lawn green to get ready for summer, and the best way to do it is to make sure you keep it watered. And if it won’t behave, fuck it until it loves you. After that we learned how to put a new piston into a motorcycle, the easiest way is to open up the chamber that it’s in, just unscrew the top of it, then undo the latch at the bottom of the piston and pull it out, reverse process to reassemble and enjoy your new boat anchor. Next in line, having a crawfish cook off! Of course a Jewish guy would know, cause carawfish are totally kosher, best way to do it is to grill them all up, just empty the sack you got ’em in right onto your barbecue. Sure hope they were frozen though, otherwise they’ll go bad really quick. I realize I’ve been writing almost a college level essay about the many things that Rawdog can teach us, but you know, it’s so much information that he has for us. And he’s such a source of entertainment, especially in this format. And I can probably go on for hours about how fucking interesting it is every time he does something. Next caller needed a little help because he was stuck in the Amazon jungle with his extremely pregnant wife and now he’s lost and needs to deliver the baby to a panicked woman, oh, did I mention it’s triplets and THEY’RE IN THE FUCKING JUNGLE?!!??!?!? CAUSE THEY ARE!!! First step, make a bed of ferns to lay the hysterical bitch down on and hopefully shut her the fuck up, then check for mildly poisonous snakes that can bite her and get her nicely doped up without killing her or the kids, then get really REALLY focused on the alien that’s about to bursting out of your wife’s forever damaged log flume of a vagina, and after the spawn have been released from hell to destroy any hope you had of enjoying your future, rub two sticks together against the umbilical cord until the friction wears through it, then say bye-bye to the titties you used to love playing with cause they’re pretty much gone forever. Next we had a caller who shot a 1,000 lb. elk and needed to drag it a mile and a half back to his campsite. First, you gotta skin the elk, then chop it into easy to manage pieces and start making relay runs and hope you don’t come back to something more vicious than you when you come back to get whatever you left behind. And tThe last question was what’s the best way to kidnap someone and collect their ransom? Most important thing, it’s gotta be a team effort, then you gotta see what their routine is, corner the fucker and then gang up and shove the fucker into a van while soliciting money for poor people. After that you need to make sure the poor fuck doesn’t go anywhere, steal his cell phone and start calling every number he’s got in it until someone agrees to the $10,000 that you demand for his safe return. If you’re really smart, collect from every fish that bites. And that’s enough knowledge for one day, my mind has been thoroughly blown.

 

MOON NEWS!!! As if Rawdog hasn’t done enough for us today, back in 1969, when the moon was cool and the clit seemed distant and unreachable, there’s now transcripts from that famous Apollo eleven mission that hint at the possibility of aliens or space ghosts or some asshole who let a deucer float off into the passenger compartment in zero gravity. I can’t help but really really want to pitch a loaf in outer space and let everyone else sort it out. That just sounds like it can’t ever stop being funny, and I don’t give a fuck who you think you are, if you’re watching a live  feed from a space mission and a turd floats past the camera and everybody starts trying to swim out of it’s way, you’re laughing your fucking ass off too. And you’ll be doing it ten times harder if a piece of bloody toilet paper comes into frame while someone’s not looking. And the first woman in space might very well have caught an unsolicited floating zero gravity load in her hair, or gotten railed in deep space. Which raises a good point, how many women have gotten fucked in outer space? There was that one crazy bitch who drove cross country in a diaper to threaten her man’s ex-wife or some such shit, she probably got a mad plowing right up against the airlock. Probably chased the floating money shot too. Somehow, this got to the topic of how much fucking they do in the Olympics, which I happen to know is a lot, cause I knew a girl who was in the Sydney Olympics years ago, and when I met her she was a mother fucking stone cold freak. She might have even gotten pounded so hard she was bleeding out the ass at the starting line. HOLLYWOOD NEWS MINUS LINDSEY LOHAN!!! Beyonce and Jay-Z are catching some heat with the US government cause they took a trip to Cuba, fuck all three of them, Beyonce, Jay-Z and the government have all never done anything I can give a fuck about. Nick Stahl, the guy from Terminator 3, is back on drugs…so yeah. He was also in Sin City and did a fucking good job on that one, really pulled off the mutant child molester thing well. Kid Rock is going on tour with ZZ Top, Kool and the Gang and Uncle Kracker! And he’s making it dirt cheap as a mother fucker and DEMANDING the beer is no more than $4 at every stop. Rick Ross is getting some heat from date rape survivors for singing about dosing girls with molly and banging ’em with no resistance, so basically fuck Rick Ross twice with a jagged broke off rusty shovel. Justin Beiber recently ditched that adorable boy-dyke haircut for the one-side-of-your-head-shaved porn star look, something to try and get in touch with what’s hip probably. And that’s all there is to tell about the stars. Tully hit us with a story about X-Games Brazil, some dude tried to get everybody to work smarter not harder for all the hourly employees cause they’re having problems paying everybody. And they’re asking for people to not take free stuff, and cover as much of their own expenses as possible, and maybe donate some of the money they actually earned back in to the pot to make up for the bad apples that are going to ruin it anyway. And then the memo asks that the workers not be assholes to the locals, as though it’s been some kind of problem and they may not be invited back. It’s starting to sound like the competition is getting the best of the X-Games franchise, what with Dew Tour and all the shit Red Bull puts together and everything else that’s starting to outshine them. They definitely gave it a fucking amazing try, and they were certainly the first, but even I wasn’t that impressed with the last one. There’s been shitloads of great moments, but the core of what ESPN does is a completely different market than the kind of guys that skate and ride BMX and rally and moto. Pretty hard to sell something to someone who was happy with what you were offering before. A caller who was in the know gave us some insight that ESPN has been hacking the budget year after year too, so it kinda seems like they’re doing what they need to to slowly phase it out. Kill the market, the consumer won’t bother you anymore. Then again, It’s all speculation, and the sports are never going to die, so even without ESPN people are still gonna do awesome shit out on the fringe and they’re gonna enjoy it a lot more without all the politics.

 

More talk about what may or may not become EllisMania 9, of course there was the RapeMania talk from yesterday, they also floated the idea of holding it at Kit Cope’s house without any notice and having everybody fight everybody, or maybe bringing the whole thing up to beautiful Reno Nevada to save a few bucks on organizing the whole affair. The Reno idea isn’t terrible, I’d be able to drive there for less than a plane ticket and door to door salesmen are always coming in to my work with special offers for $50 weekends at the Silver Legacy and shit. It isn’t the worst idea I’ve heard, and it would outsell everything else in town for sure. After a quick metal break, we just had to check in on our old pal Mr. X. He’s been out of the spotlight for a well, doing alright, keeping his nose clean and such, but Tully had a news report about a guy named Mr. A who is reportedly the biggest ecstasy user of all time. He’s taken an estimated 40,000 pills of it in his lifetime, tapering off at a respectable 25 hits a day. Brain scans haven’t determined any long term brain damage, but he did report that after he stopped for a few months, he still felt high and was having anxiety, tunnel vision, and muscle rigidity, probably a bit of anal bleeding that he didn’t feel like reporting too. Of course, with all that ecstasy, you gotta have something to listen to, and who else to give us our soundtrack but Josh “Jewish Claws” Richmond and his signature segment New Music Tuesday. First thing we heard was Brad Paisley singing Accidental racist featuring LL “Get These Balls” Cool J, and it was as depressing as a country song should be, but with LL Cool J shitting all over it and making it that much worse. Ray J dropped a new bomb about how he fucked that ho before you did, the kind of stuff you might normally expect in the mainstream rap game. Stone Sour had a new single this week as well, definitely sounds like actual music, although the song they played wasn’t really my thing, it took a bunch of guys to actually write and perform it, unlike a lot of shit that usually ends up on New Music Tuesday. Next up we heard the new Volbeat single Doc Holiday, and it was not terrible at all, definitely worth a listen. After that was Device covering Nine Inch Nails and it was not the worst cover ever, but a little too close to the original. Some other dude who’s name I didn’t catch wrote some song that sounded like elevator music, totally forgettable, so fuck it. Next we heard NORE, who has changed his name to P.A.P.I. and gained as much weight as a midsize SUV, and dropped an autotuned club hit that got really annoying to me pretty quick, but he’s still an actual gangsta and doesn’t give a fuck what I think, so have fun with that ya tubby bastard. Serenity gave us a track called Wings Of Madness, which ended up being a great intro with an eighties synthesizer and a guy named Fabio Damore queering it up. The next new hit was Drowning Pool doing what they do, with their normal cookie monster bullshit. After that we heard Paramore giving thirteen year old girls their period all over the world, with HEAVY FLOW AND MOOD SWINGS (It could allegedly be anal bleeding too, but I wouldn’t want to talk about girls that young in that way). Next up was Tyga singing about Dope, as rappers often do. Finally, Rawdog’s pick of the week was the kind of thing you would listen to if you were popping 25 hits of ecstasy a day and not getting laid and didn’t eat very well and got shit on by your boss and your friends all the time for all your bad habits and your shitty haircut and your trust fund and that broke ass 18 year old BMW you drove to work in and how you can’t pronounce the letter L. While that was playing in the background, Tully gave us some news about a Russian Clergyman who said that angels and demons are real, just that you don’t realize it and you think they’re aliens. Makes enough sense I suppose, seeing as both are either someone covering for going out drinking or fucking someone else, or someone who has lost all touch with reality because they’ve stuffed so much ecstasy up the back door that they’re bleeding out the ass profusely. Time for final calls, and it was a lot of hate for Rawdog’s taste in music, which is legitimate, people who just need to say I love you, and not much else. Catch Jason tonight on Loveline with Dr. Drew and Psycho Mike, and maybe see if you can finally give that show the call that rattles Drew to the point that he has to take a commercial break before he can answer.

 

When I was a kid, we didn’t have all these crazy gluten free, vegan, trans-fat free, crazy fad diets. Hell, we only had four food groups and you were supposed to eat an equal amount of all of them. But my mom cared so much about us kids growing up healthy, she always made sure I got the most important meal of the day, and that’s pussy.

 

Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,

The Jingleberries Will Make You Famous, Or Look Fucktarded (Part 3)

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Remember when The Jingleberries put out a call for recordings? Well, we’re doing a 3rd round that we can send off for The Jingleberries to work their magic on, while we sit back and hope it gets played on the air. Like these previous rejoins!

Allegedly Official Awesome Original Shawshank Redemption

Women of EllisFam Rejoin

And now, part 3 of the new recordings…

B-Rip (by: wiz1010)

You Sexy Bastid (by: tank_yanker)

A Lot Like Herpes (by: Cody_McCraw92)

Scat (by: Cody_McCraw92)

Sexual Orientation (by: Cody_McCraw92)

Side Effects Include (by: Cody_McCraw92)

TJES, Cougar Approved (by: Scarlet_Kitty)

Clit Off My Box (by: Scarlet_Kitty)

Bumpy Banana (by: Lugoman43)

Thanks, Hitler (by: Lugoman43)

Thanks, N-Bomb (by: Lugoman43)

It’s Tough To Choose (by: serutti)

Cable (by: serutti)

Jew Bell (by: sharkchucker)

All That Pussy Rawdog Smashes (by: bitPimps)

I Got Super Powers (by: bitPimps)

Smoke Weed Everyday (by: NorCalRowe)

Bom Da Boo Poo (by: NorCalRowe)

Show Re-Cap for Monday 4/8/2013

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youve-reached-team-bring-itWooo-weee! It’s Monday and I’m tired’er than a motherfucker at a mom fucker’s convention. That makes sense somehow, but probably isn’t all that funny. I don’t give a motherfuck, like a mother whose not getting fucked at a convention. Oh, I should also mention for those of you reading a bedtime story to your children, you probably shouldn’t read the rest of this to them. I could potentially use some language that you do not find appropriate for them. Okay, did you lock those little shits in their cages? Good, lets proceed. Dingo Monday’s started off with him shouting out Team Bring It and opening 2 motherfucking waters. He said he didn’t open 2 motherfucking waters, but you can’t trust a motherfucking Dingo who knows so much about WWE. Wait just a motherfucking second. Let’s rewind for a second and listen to The Rock singing the Team Bring It Anthem. What. The. Mother. Fuck? Sounds like Dingo might have found his true calling, and it’s not snowboarding or partying. It’s delivering WWE news. Ellis went to Nuclear Cowboyz (the “z” makes it X-TREME!) on ice, not meth, but like meth. Not really, he just went to the show and they had some hot bitches dancing there. Unlike Dingo and Tully, Rawdog is incapable of rape. If there’s a rape-off between Tully and Dingo, it’s probably going to be close and one hell of a sexy ass rape-mania. This spawned many rapemania related calls & ideas, including Downzig and Mini-Nirvana, which led us into a break with “Rape Me” playing, by normal-sized Nirvana.

dr_drew_memeJust in time for moon news, Dr. Drew came on the show and dropped the “F” bomb pretty much immediately. I always find it weird to hear him swear. But anyway, back to the moon for a second. NASA wants to tow an asteroid into orbit around the motherfucking moon. Sounds good, I mean, what could go wrong? Sure, Michael Clarke Duncan is dead, by I think the rest of the Armageddon crew is still alive, right? Ok, back to Double-D PhD. He kept sprinkling in little swear words here and there in what seemed like a cringe worthy effort to sound hip and edgy for the audience. He got to hear about Rawdog’s roommate clogging his toilet with his giant turd and not fixing it. Double-D PhD immediately called Rawdog out on his confrontational issues, but played the part very well by also complimenting Rawdog on how he’s looking lately. We learned that Rawdog’s roommate also painted one of his walls with chalkboard paint and let his friends write all over it. Rawdog actually said something this time and told Captain Chair Leg Feces that he had to re-paint that shit, immediately! Since I’m already tired as a motherfucker (as I eluded to earlier) and Dr. Drew’s voice is like a motherfucking Valium  I pretty much just spaced out and don’t remember the rest of his time on the show. Basically, he asked a bunch of depressing questions, talked about molestation, answered a few questions, talked about Stevie, and some other stuff. It was interesting to hear his take on the myriad of subjects, but I just wasn’t in the mood to pay attention today, sorry motherfuckers. #LOLWinkyButthole

aging_processStill the same deal on EllisMania. So far, it’s a no go, at least until Ellis gets his ducks in a row. Could he have his stuff all situated by September? Maybe. But will the space still be open and available by then? Who knows. Too many variables to make a guess on so I guess you’ll just have to stay tuned. MMA news time, Ross Pearson fucked up his foot before fighting Ryan Couture but still ended up winning by TKO. Matt Mitrione knocked out Todd Duffee, so he’s not cut from the UFC… yet.  Gegard Mousasi won a unanimous decision against Ilir Latifi (who?) and also revealed he’ll be needing knee surgery. Turns out Dana White is kinda pissed at the commission in Sweden because Mousasi was supposed to fight so-and-so but they wouldn’t let him fight because he had a cut before the fight. There was more obviously, but what the motherfuck, I ain’t Fuel TV or some shit, go check that shit out if you’re so inclined. Hey, you know all those bikes Ellis bought for his family so they could all ride together? Yea, none of them wanted to ride except him. So he had to struggle with all of them to get them to stop the panic attack thing until they finally started to ride and have fun. Hey more motherfucking moto stuff was said, but I missed most of it because the cooling system at work decided to blow heat instead so my servers were screaming because of the 90 degree heat they were in. I don’t think it was anything important, just who went super duper fast that weekend and it was one of the same names you’d always hear. Some dumb motherfuckers bought ferrets that were given steroids and perms at birth to look like dumb motherfucking poodles. Who gives a rat’s ass, an emu’s dicks, or your dad’s balls? Also, Dingo is obsessed with animals inside peoples’ rectums. And lube. He’s obsessed with lube. Then there was some Hollywood news, missed that shit too and I’m okay with that. The big news of today was how a little old Jewish lady walks into her Rabbi’s office and said, “Rabbi Rabbi I just won 300 million dollars!” The Rabbi said: “Wow, congratulations. What are you going to do with the money?” She said, “100 million will go to the synagogue, they have always been there for me.” “Very good, we could use a generous donation like that. The rest?”, said the Rabbi. “I’m going to spend 100 million on my family traveling the world, and living it up.”, she said. Again, the Rabbi asks, “Very good, you have lived a hard life. Enjoy the rest of the time with your family. And the rest?” The lady said, “I’m going to build 20ft tall gold statue of Hitler.” Shocked, the Rabbi asks, “Why would you do such a thing???? He was a monster! He killed so many of our people! Why would you make tribute to him?” The lady holds out her forearm and says, “Well, he gave me the winning numbers!” OH!

Show Re-cap for Friday 4/5/2013

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Happy BallsMy balls are awesome, they’re beautiful, they’re happy, and my balls are always bouncing
to the left and to the right, it’s my belief that my big balls should be held every night. Will loves the show like a child he hates who shits all over everything. Which pretty much means that given the chance, Will would drive all of us into a lake with the doors and windows locked because he loves us so very much. Rawdogs hair is getting better, Jason and Tully decided that it needs to be messy on purpose but not messy because he’s a fucking slob. If he does that then it will be garunteed that he’ll get laid. That or just do seven minutes on Ridiculousness, bitches love Ridiculousness. Speaking of Rawdog on TV, he wants to be on it but not do TV stuff. This brought up the discussion of TJES having its own television show. It wouldn’t just be  aTV version of the radio show like Howard does because that shits been done to death. It would be more of a skit/radio show/whatever the fuck they want show. Most of this time was being used to think of bits to do. And don’t forget to go to Cuteness.com and vote for Ellis and Burger in their cutest celebrity pet contest. (Click the link, trust me)

In Pot News, for the first time ever the majority of Americans think pot should be legal. Also in related news, umm, wait, what was I talking about. I feel like having some nachos. Tully brought back the Men Am I Right segment and a farmer misspelled his girlfriends name,shark stupid man when he cut a marriage proposal into his crops. A man reported an explosion in his home, he wanted to have a nice relaxing hot have so naturally he heated up his can of shaving cream on the stove. A man shot his girlfriend, kinda. She was preheating his oven and she didn’t know that’s where he stored the clip and bullets to his .45. I still blame the woman for that one, she should know that a dude isn’t going to use the stove for cooking, stupid girl. Then some super gross dude made a bar book where all the recipes includes semen. In the UK a man was driving erratically and then he was pulled over, not for drinking or anything like that, but for rockin the drum and bass. The dude was rocking out so hard that he was in the zone! And the winner of today’s segment is a man who was arrested for the 50th time, but this time he was arrested for stealing booze and giving away shots to people in the park.

Benji+MaddenBestie McBestington, aka Benji Madden came into the Swinghouse today. Apparently his recording session was delayed so he graced us with his presence. They talked about how much they respect and appreciate women, baking, motivation in the workplace, and the satisfaction of a job well done. Benji also talked about being the old guy in music production and how its hard to realize that all this stupid new stuff is kinda the same stupid new stuff that we liked when we were young. Then they talked about being on reality TV but he would only be on for music related stuff like The Voice. Benjis brother Joel is nominated for a loogie in Australia for his work on Australias The Voice TV show. And that’s all I have to say about that.

On to the Blowgies! A super gay competition with some super not gay contenders. The object of this competion is for two guys to give the most seductive, most loving, and most sexy blowjob to the big dicked rollerblader that they can while being judged by Foxxy (@Foxxy702), Eva Lovia (@MissEvaLovia), and Alice March (@alicemarchxxx). Long time listener, Fuck You Dude was the first contender and after slobbing knob like a seasoned veteran he got an impressive score of 20 out of 30. Perry was up next, it was expected that he wouldn’t be able to compete with FYD’s incredible fellatio skills but with some dick to face slapping and remembering to work the balls he came out with an amazing score of 25 out of 30! In the end Perry left with the title of best straight guy blow job on a mannequin dick.

“If she’s not winning watches then she’s not doing it right!” – A porn star

Wesley Snipes is back in society to continue his battle against vampires and space ship hijacking replicants. Something about Halle Berry. The Game ate at some restaurant and tweeted that he tipped the waiter six grand but lied. Busta Rhymes got into a fight over a cheeseburger. Titty. Joel Madden has great new hair cut. It’s rumored that Will and Jayda Pinkett Smith have an open marriage, but she said no and then said Will can do whatever he wants, like a boss. Snoop Lions record is coming out, in case you need something to waste your money on and burning it has become boring. Unsigned bands will be back next week. If you want you band to be shit on just send an MP3 to Ellisparodies@gmail.comIMG_9237

Final Calls were with only Ellis, everybody bailed to go find some hookers and coke for the weekend. Here are some of the things we learned during Final Calls today. When you walk in on your boss jackin his dick, leave and pretend nothing happened. Ellis is going to Nuculear Cowboys on Saturday, but if you see him and his kids don’t say fuck, shit, pussy, ass, cock, damn, piss, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, or hell yeah in front of Ellis’s kids. If your a pill head that can’t poop try snorting Metamucil, that shit will get your shit flowing fo-sho! A grown ass man should be able to piss all over his room if he wants. Ellismania on hold for now while Ellis gets things reorganized and calmed down. He wants to make sure everything is done right and the only way to do that is to do it himself. And the last thing we learned today is that the best way to get over a girl is to get under a new one. Unless the new girl is yer mum, never ever ever get under yer mum, it’s like the Bermuda Triangle of flesh and tits and hair, OH!

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 4/4/2013

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Peetard's on the top!

Peetard’s on the top!

Well how the hell are ya on this fine Thursday?  If you’re jacked up on coffee, well has Ellis got some news for you.  He’s thinking about opening up his own coffee shop, well since he makes his own coffee at home and its fucking delicious!  I’d brew a fresh cup’o’Ellis every morning, I mean fuck Folgers right!  Oh and fuck the dentist too, especially if your anything like Tully, who doesn’t even considering setting an appointment with his dentist until at least 3 attempts to call Tully and set one up.  If you’re anything like Ellis, then you love the dentist…..cause its pretty sweet to get nitrous and gold teeth – pretty fucking sweet!  Breaking News:  Tiger is riding moto now.  Not only that, but he is so stoked on it and takes it so seriously, he actually is listening to Papa Ellis when he shouts instructions.  On another note, Rawdog has just about giving up on the bike race with Tiger at this point, as if we didn’t already know.  I do know that we don’t know some dude Ty that Tully knows, ya know, but that dude did tell Tully that the experiences he share with his child are really just like living a 2nd childhood.  Such a fucking cool concept – Im personally owning this one too.  Ellis agrees and directly linked it to Nuclear Cowboys and taking Tiggy to see it – and how awesome it will be for Tiger, and for Ellis to see Tiger’s reactions and such.  Of course this doesn’t mean Tiger or Linsanity has to re-live their fathers respective childhoods – which is really good for Tiger especially since Ellis reminded us how hard he grew up back down under.  Stories of just being out with his dad’s friends, and how hard those mutha fuckers really were, just doing shit like destroying their own cars when they got shit faced drunk, and just dealing with it the next day – man the fuck up and get over it ya cunt!   Shit like that just rubbed off on Ellis, even one time when he crashed his bike in the woods when the handle grip came off in mid air.  Ellismate just got up, started up his bike and rode it on home – Whereas kids now a days would just fall down n cry and freak out and have no clue as to how to handle such a situation.  Such a hard ass!  Not to be confused with a Tard Ass or “Peetard” which apparently is Burger Ellis’s new name.  Did you know animals love Rawdog?  Did you know Rawdog could give a shit about animals, yeah I thought you did.  Its not like he hates them or anything, just not his pick of the week if you know what I mean.  Nothing like Tully though, who admitted if he was to ever move away, he would come back to his old hood to visit that stray cat he takes care of and bonds with.  I mean he ain’t taking the little fucker with him to the new house, but he will stop by and say hi – super dad I tell ya!  In other meaningless news – Cumtard has kidney stones and just got out of the hospital – North Korea ain’t fucking around they say – Bidding ends tomorrow on Honus Wagner’s famous baseball card if you give a shit!

 

 

Nothing Stupider Than Jewpiter....or this joke, OH!

Nothing Stupider Than Jewpiter….or this joke, OH!

Check this shit out some video Katie sent to Ellismate the fellas watched on the show for a good minute – sounded hilarious.  Apparently the chic who sings it has allegedly been flagged by Interpol for some seriously sketchy shit – heres more info on that.   Some other shit too I kinda missed detail on, but remember when Ellis saved that dude from getting raped near The Abbey?  Well turns out some chic is suing them for similar reason, check it out.  Hollywood News time bitches – and starts of on a somber note as Roger Ebert has kicked the bucket, sorry dude!  Chris Bosh got got for about 300K in jewelry cause he’s a fucking moron, sorry dude!  Heidi Klum is a fucking bad ass, so says this article on her saving some fuckers from downing, your welcome!  Tom Cruise maybe does believe in aliens, maybe sorta kinda not really.  Jeremy Irons is a fucking moron dude, just listen to this dude talk about gay marriage and incest, but not separately!  And finally, but most importantly, Justin Beiber drew a picture today, of a mouse!  And thats Hollywood News ma’fuckers!  News on The Jason Ellis Show you may have missed – Rawdog is the bellboy of TJES, except he doesn’t bring your bags, just “Brings The Stupid”!  Let’s test that theory, and play a little Ellis JeParty with your host Will JizzCult Pendarvis III.  Today’s categories were ‘Rich & Famous’, ‘Around The World’, ‘Long O Make It Go Oooo”, and ‘Fictional Characters’.  Yeah, I ain’t going question for question with ya, but instead I’ll leave you with some catch phrases and key words from today’s game:  Poooooop – JewMoon (a.k.a. Jewpiter) – Who Beat The Jews? – Who Rapes Kids? – Boo Berries (The Super Food) – Super Man – Is Billy Crystal A Jew? and many many more!!!   But, uncle Ghostload won’t ever lie to ya kids, this was one of the lamest Ellis JeParties to date, and to top it all off fucking Anal Gay Lewis ended up winning, so you know I ain’t lying!  Still better than 99.99% off shit out there even on Rawdog’s worst day!

 

Just One?

Just One?

“Balls Cant’ Fight Vagnias” so says Jason Ellis.  Yeah they got to talking about Fallon Fox, the transgender female fighter who used to be a dude, and whoops up on women in MMA but claims being a dude back in the day has nothing to do with it.  Joe Rogan disagrees, and here’s the video to prove it!  Ellis said a tranny said its mellow, but then some doctor dude called in and verified that the male body is structurally different than the female body, including thickness of the skull, which we all know is extremely helpful when fighting MMA or doing heel grabs on your fresh blades!  Somehow the same doctor dude also broke down that males have started to under developed their bodies and over developed their brains, in which Tully figured out that aliens are really just humans from the future, hmmm maybe!  Steroids are ok to use also, we figured that out as well.  they’re especially ok to use if your wife makes more money than you do, which is how it is in over half the households in the US says Tully and some article I didn’t bother to look up.  Makes sense to Ellis, he knows a pretty semi famous dude who’s in that exact situation (It’s Psycho Mike in case you were wondering), and at first it was a bit weird, but in the end its all good!  Ellis could see himself being cool with Katie being the breadwinner, and him staying home and cleaning and shit.  Tully on the other hand isn’t so sure, well if he was trying to do something and it wasn’t working out, then had to hear to success of this significant other, yeah that could fucking suck I guess.  You know who doesn’t fucking suck I guess, Bert McCracken, yeah he gets more awesomer each time to get he’s on the show.  Since his last visit, Ellis went to go see Bert and The Used play, and they were’nt that shitty at all.  Bert was pretty fucking sweet, and the other dudes in the band didn’t suck, so thats good!    However, turns out on of those other dudes, who plays bass, used to date Katie back in the day, to which Bert gave a huge compliment saying she’s the only girlfriend dude had that wasn’t a bitch at all.  That’s not why Bert’s here though, nah, he’s here to talk about how he could drink a half gallon of vodka right now, and that meth fucking sucks dude, I mean its cool at first, but the next 20 days awake really fucking blows.  Bert also went to prison one time, not jail, prison!  He described it like this, “You go to jail and you cry, you go to prison and your scared to cry”, oh and he weighed about 80 lbs. when he went in, from meth of course.  Bert ain’t joking either, as today he sparked the idea of Ellis or Tully doing shrooms on air, well ok not sparked but reiterated cause he’s mentioned this before.  Today he really tried to sell it, and thought Ellis and Tully both weren’t about it at all, Rawdog may be down.  Josh’s only concern is being on the air and doing something stupid for us all to hear, to which Tully promised he wouldn’t let him do that, but to which Ellis said he’d just grab the fucking camera and thank Rawdog later – I vote option B!  Speaking of shrooms, if you ever meet Bert, ask to see his driver’s license picture…..taking while on a quarter of shrooms allegedly!

 

 

Which one's Ellis and which one's Rawdog?

Which one’s Ellis and which one’s Rawdog?

Jamey Jasta is the lead singer of Hatebreed in case you haven’t listened to the show in the last 6 months, and Bert says dude is fucking sweet.  That makes it official, Ellis is a dick, especially when Bert said if you like “Brunches at strip clubs” then you’ll like Jamey Jasta, man I fucking like this dude now too.  Maybe we will hear the front man from Hatebreed someday soon and wouldn’t that be the Perfect Day.  Hey, what would the perfect day be for Ellis?  Bacon, Pool Orgy, Smoothies, Burgers, More Bacon, Weed, More Orgies…..basically and orgy with some bud and room service.  Scientists on the other hand seem to have a different take on things.  I know what isn’t a perfect day for The Wing, the day Devin asked for heelys which was just the other day.  Well, Ellismate had to lay down the law with Snook, telling her there are two things in life that are ‘No Way’, heelys and of course rollerblading.  Imaging a young Tiger catching air on his fresh blades and hearing “Nice heel grab Tiger” – fucking oath that’ll be the day.  But then again, never thought I’d hear the day Ellis complimented HerpesStrokeFace, saying today since Dom has joined the show its been nothing but games and guests, fuck yeah Dom!  Well, then why don’t we play a game with our guest Bert McFuckingCracken that goes a little something like this.  Tully, Tully, Tully, Ellis no wait that was Tully.  Yeah, Tully pretty much owned this game, which was to identify the song being covered by a different band and a different genre (Just look up Richard Cheese and you’ll get the idea).  So not going to get into the game which was pretty fucking cool, just give you the gems you may have missed.  Bert went to jail once for Scott Russo.  Ellis hung out with Scott Russo once and woke up with a dick drawn on his head. Bert hates ACDC -and folks, I ain’t ever heard radio silence like this- but he was just joking so he survived this round, but barley.  Bert’s done blow with Shai LaBeouf and Bumblebee allegedly!  Dom’s gonna get some fresh shades from Electric Visual.  Bert’s going to read Ellis’s book.  Bert really really wants TJES to do some shrooms on the air, I mean really wants them too!  Ellis did rollerblade one time while on acid.  Bert put on a diaper and shit himself one time, also on acid.  Dom got the shit beat out of him live on air, well off air in the green room but we all heard it.  Your mom got the shit beat out of her live on freecams.com, but you had to give her 1,000 credits to be able to see me smack it with a tennis racket, OH!