Well, Shit on my sherbet, it’s Tuesday and it’s midday and it’s time for me to give you my own wonderful recap of today’s Jason Ellis show. Now with 20% more anal bleeding jokes!!! Today’s show started with Ellis telling everyone they were great. No real reason, just to say it cause he wanted to. Then he noticed how smooth Rawdog’s forehead was, but it’s still a little weird. Kind of a fivehead almost. Still looks good on him though, definitely better than having to tattoo a wolf’s head on to replace your hairline. (Just kidding, it’s a decent look for some people) What ever happened to that guy Ian Zering from 90210? He got a receding hairline and fucked off into obscurity, that’s what. But hey, at least he’s not advertising products to help stop you from bleeding out your ass. Basically, if you’re bald, you need to do something energetic. It’s a biological advantage to make you faster and fly higher and be that much more awesome. Make the bald work for you god dammit. Don’t let it turn you into a steaming pile of shit, it’s that much less maintenance too. Rawdog was feeling a little down about his skills getting the ladies, but was good enough to share about it. Rude Jude stepped in to let everyone know that their problems are far worse than his are. Jude was in New York last week and got to see that everyone at Sirius/XM New York is fucking down because they work there and everyone is bleeding out of their asshole. Jude on the other hand, is happy as fuck, he’s got a Christian Slater hairline and a whole radio station pretty much to himself. Jason offered to take Rawdog out for food after work to help him meet girls, but Jude had to interject and say that Jason might just cockblock Josh without meaning it. But of course the wing was two steps ahead and said they would only try to pick low hanging fruit. Jude was honestly interested in helping the dog out and had a Q&A session to see what Rawdog’s pussy chasing style is. Basically, Rawdog is kinda awkward in getting to know people, he needs to find a way to let people know that in advance so they know what to expect and work with it and bring out his inner testicular fortitude. More dating tips and stuff for Josh, he seemed to take it in pretty well, definitely brought his mood up knowing that no matter who you are, there is someone who will fuck you and you will probably be at least a little bit mutually attracted to them. Some girls called in to give their take on what Josh should do. There was some good opinions, even a couple ladies who said they would jump his bones no questions asked. That seemed to put a smile on his face. Everybody perked up a lot as soon as Rawdog started feeling better, and that’s what’s really important. Some more girls called in to say that they get weird too, but all you gotta do is own it and swing your dick like a wrecking ball on crack and everything will go just fine. The guys kicked around the idea of staging a Rawdog rescue where Ellis would get creepy aggressive and Rawdog would come and save them with a superman punch. They tried acting the whole scene out and I gotta say, it sounds like it could work. Basically, it could as long as the club manager would let Rawdog Deck Jason, he could be swimming in the beef pool in no time. Change of subject here, but do you think you would have a good time fucking an octopus? I mean it’s pre-lubed, and it does have all the tentacles to do extra stuff with, but if it wasn’t venomous and didn’t have that crazy beak, it would be a good time, right? Doesn’t seem like the type of animal who would do anything that would make your asshole start bleeding. I’m not saying let’s start getting in to beastiality, let’s just make sure we keep our options open. It’s a great big world, there’s all kinds of things to fuck that may or may not be a great time.
Hey, do you need to know how to do stuff? Do you think that Rawdog is a person worth listening to when it could be a matter of life and death or saving your relationship or protecting your home and valuables from harm or raising your children properly or maintaining your physical and mental well being or pretty much anything that the greater population would refer to as common sense? Well, then you’re in for a treat cause it’s time for Doin’ Stuff with Rawdog!!! BUT FIRST IT’S MMA NEWS!!! Matt Mitrione got suspended from the UFC for some comments he made about the transgendered fighter Fallon Fox. And god damn if the Tussin Wolf didn’t give us one of the best Italian/British/New yorker accent ever in quoting what he said too. And it all sounds like a pretty legit argument about whether or not Fallon Fox should still be allowed to fight women, and there’s even science coming in to play about it too. Basically, it seems like someone’s gonna need to dig really deep into this particular situation to make a proper judgement about what the rules are for transgendered fighters. More importantly though, Rawdog needs to teach us how to get out of those sticky situations that don’t have anything to do with getting girl juice on your divining rod. We first learned how to get rid of a tree stump in the back yard. The first problem with this is, if you cut the tree down from too high, you’re gonna leave a stump. So don’t be a dumbass in the first place. Next, a caller needed to know how to get a promotion at his software company. Of course there’s the obvious stuff, new ideas, save the company money, make up something fucking ridiculous that idiots will throw money at, or rip off someone else’s idea and then while pitching it to your boss, suck his dick. The next problem Rawdog was able to solve was how to put tire chains on so you don’t get stuck in the snow. Basically, you gotta reach into the trunk of the truck you’re driving, and it’s a big circular chain with a big hole in the middle, and you line it up with the hub cap, and then you pull the donut part over the tread part of the tire, but don’t forget to jack up the car first so you can get the chain all the way around the tire. Next, we got a few tips on how to fuck a random pregnant lady without hurting the baby, basically it’s a matter of position. Doggy is cool, but don’t let her go completely face down. Missionary won’t work, cause you could crush it from above, and whatever you do, it’s gotta be gentle pumping, seriously she’s about to be a mother. Next caller wanted to know how to make a western omelet for his wife. Of course you need, ingredients and pots and pans and an oven and hands and don’t forget to keep breathing so you don’t die while you’re cooking. And then, you watch the last time Josh made an omelet on Ellismania.com and the rest explains itself. Shouldn’t take you more than about 15 minutes, start to finish. Next, we learned how to wax a snowboard, basically you need a brush and some of that fancy snowboard wax they sell at the snowboard shop, then you brush it on vertically, just like licking pussy, one thin layer, let it dry a couple hours and your good to go. After that, we had to have a special father son talk about the birds and the bees. Rawdog’s best answer for it is how the fuck should I know, my dad never had that conversation with me, but if you’re gonna tell your kids about it, the best way to teach them is porn, and of course to explain it intelligently and give facts and then leave the room as quick as possible so they don’t ask any questions that you don’t want to answer. Next, we learned how to diagnose starting problems on a motorcycle, first check for fuel in the tank, cause we all make a Mulligan sometime, next you gotta check if the engine is working properly, but if it cranks and won’t run, your transmission is shot, don’t even bother just buy a new one, which segues perfectly into the next set of tips about buying a used car. You gotta test drive it, make sure it stops, and the radio hasn’t been stolen, and that the mirrors and shit are all still there, no strange smells that aren’t nugget dipping sauce, and that it’s not a fucked up blue 1996 BMW 318i that your Nana has to buy for you with your trust fund money. Make sure it isn’t haunted either, that brings it’s own whole set of problems. And of course, when negotiating the price, shoot real low until you wear them down to about half whatever they were asking. Or maybe even as low as one fifth the asking price. Don’t be a Jew or nothing, just stick to your guns (Again, kidding, I love the Jews, those fuckers know how to party). Of course we had to learn how to slip it in the poop shoot without causing anal bleeding or premature ejaculation. Basically, you gotta start by romancing the whole woman first, then romance the butthole, maybe with a finger or a tongue, and then you lube that crankshaft and then just ease it on in and keep it mellow until she starts saying creepy angry shit to you, after that you’re clear to bust that ass open like a can of peanuts under a truck tire. Next up, we learned how to make moonshine, and it basically gave us no real information, seeing as the ingredients are top secret, what with it being an ancient American tradition and all, but first you need to grow some wheat, and you know, some barley and shit, water is probably one of the ingredients, yeast and some other shit, and then you leave it in a bath tub for a few months, and then you put it in a jug and get fucking SHIT HAMMERED!!! Next up, we learned that in order to install a new electric dishwasher, first you have to make sure it’s plugged in, then you have to give it a dry run with no dishes in it and you’re golden. Someone wanted to know how to get a cat out of a tree, and if you’re not a whiny bitch who would normally call the fire department, just climb up there and grab the fucker. And of course, bring a satchel to put the cat in once you’ve got him, but don’t punch the cat to calm him down to get him in to the bag. That’s fucked up, and P is for pussy cause cats are adorable. Next, we had a guy who broke a guitar string and needed to replace it so that his shitty Radiohead cover band could make their show, so what he needed to do was unscrew the top and bottom part of the string, and then stretch the new string good and tight then screw it back down and crank the “Suck” up to eleven mother fuckers. Next we got gardening tips about how to make your lawn green to get ready for summer, and the best way to do it is to make sure you keep it watered. And if it won’t behave, fuck it until it loves you. After that we learned how to put a new piston into a motorcycle, the easiest way is to open up the chamber that it’s in, just unscrew the top of it, then undo the latch at the bottom of the piston and pull it out, reverse process to reassemble and enjoy your new boat anchor. Next in line, having a crawfish cook off! Of course a Jewish guy would know, cause carawfish are totally kosher, best way to do it is to grill them all up, just empty the sack you got ’em in right onto your barbecue. Sure hope they were frozen though, otherwise they’ll go bad really quick. I realize I’ve been writing almost a college level essay about the many things that Rawdog can teach us, but you know, it’s so much information that he has for us. And he’s such a source of entertainment, especially in this format. And I can probably go on for hours about how fucking interesting it is every time he does something. Next caller needed a little help because he was stuck in the Amazon jungle with his extremely pregnant wife and now he’s lost and needs to deliver the baby to a panicked woman, oh, did I mention it’s triplets and THEY’RE IN THE FUCKING JUNGLE?!!??!?!? CAUSE THEY ARE!!! First step, make a bed of ferns to lay the hysterical bitch down on and hopefully shut her the fuck up, then check for mildly poisonous snakes that can bite her and get her nicely doped up without killing her or the kids, then get really REALLY focused on the alien that’s about to bursting out of your wife’s forever damaged log flume of a vagina, and after the spawn have been released from hell to destroy any hope you had of enjoying your future, rub two sticks together against the umbilical cord until the friction wears through it, then say bye-bye to the titties you used to love playing with cause they’re pretty much gone forever. Next we had a caller who shot a 1,000 lb. elk and needed to drag it a mile and a half back to his campsite. First, you gotta skin the elk, then chop it into easy to manage pieces and start making relay runs and hope you don’t come back to something more vicious than you when you come back to get whatever you left behind. And tThe last question was what’s the best way to kidnap someone and collect their ransom? Most important thing, it’s gotta be a team effort, then you gotta see what their routine is, corner the fucker and then gang up and shove the fucker into a van while soliciting money for poor people. After that you need to make sure the poor fuck doesn’t go anywhere, steal his cell phone and start calling every number he’s got in it until someone agrees to the $10,000 that you demand for his safe return. If you’re really smart, collect from every fish that bites. And that’s enough knowledge for one day, my mind has been thoroughly blown.
MOON NEWS!!! As if Rawdog hasn’t done enough for us today, back in 1969, when the moon was cool and the clit seemed distant and unreachable, there’s now transcripts from that famous Apollo eleven mission that hint at the possibility of aliens or space ghosts or some asshole who let a deucer float off into the passenger compartment in zero gravity. I can’t help but really really want to pitch a loaf in outer space and let everyone else sort it out. That just sounds like it can’t ever stop being funny, and I don’t give a fuck who you think you are, if you’re watching a live feed from a space mission and a turd floats past the camera and everybody starts trying to swim out of it’s way, you’re laughing your fucking ass off too. And you’ll be doing it ten times harder if a piece of bloody toilet paper comes into frame while someone’s not looking. And the first woman in space might very well have caught an unsolicited floating zero gravity load in her hair, or gotten railed in deep space. Which raises a good point, how many women have gotten fucked in outer space? There was that one crazy bitch who drove cross country in a diaper to threaten her man’s ex-wife or some such shit, she probably got a mad plowing right up against the airlock. Probably chased the floating money shot too. Somehow, this got to the topic of how much fucking they do in the Olympics, which I happen to know is a lot, cause I knew a girl who was in the Sydney Olympics years ago, and when I met her she was a mother fucking stone cold freak. She might have even gotten pounded so hard she was bleeding out the ass at the starting line. HOLLYWOOD NEWS MINUS LINDSEY LOHAN!!! Beyonce and Jay-Z are catching some heat with the US government cause they took a trip to Cuba, fuck all three of them, Beyonce, Jay-Z and the government have all never done anything I can give a fuck about. Nick Stahl, the guy from Terminator 3, is back on drugs…so yeah. He was also in Sin City and did a fucking good job on that one, really pulled off the mutant child molester thing well. Kid Rock is going on tour with ZZ Top, Kool and the Gang and Uncle Kracker! And he’s making it dirt cheap as a mother fucker and DEMANDING the beer is no more than $4 at every stop. Rick Ross is getting some heat from date rape survivors for singing about dosing girls with molly and banging ’em with no resistance, so basically fuck Rick Ross twice with a jagged broke off rusty shovel. Justin Beiber recently ditched that adorable boy-dyke haircut for the one-side-of-your-head-shaved porn star look, something to try and get in touch with what’s hip probably. And that’s all there is to tell about the stars. Tully hit us with a story about X-Games Brazil, some dude tried to get everybody to work smarter not harder for all the hourly employees cause they’re having problems paying everybody. And they’re asking for people to not take free stuff, and cover as much of their own expenses as possible, and maybe donate some of the money they actually earned back in to the pot to make up for the bad apples that are going to ruin it anyway. And then the memo asks that the workers not be assholes to the locals, as though it’s been some kind of problem and they may not be invited back. It’s starting to sound like the competition is getting the best of the X-Games franchise, what with Dew Tour and all the shit Red Bull puts together and everything else that’s starting to outshine them. They definitely gave it a fucking amazing try, and they were certainly the first, but even I wasn’t that impressed with the last one. There’s been shitloads of great moments, but the core of what ESPN does is a completely different market than the kind of guys that skate and ride BMX and rally and moto. Pretty hard to sell something to someone who was happy with what you were offering before. A caller who was in the know gave us some insight that ESPN has been hacking the budget year after year too, so it kinda seems like they’re doing what they need to to slowly phase it out. Kill the market, the consumer won’t bother you anymore. Then again, It’s all speculation, and the sports are never going to die, so even without ESPN people are still gonna do awesome shit out on the fringe and they’re gonna enjoy it a lot more without all the politics.
More talk about what may or may not become EllisMania 9, of course there was the RapeMania talk from yesterday, they also floated the idea of holding it at Kit Cope’s house without any notice and having everybody fight everybody, or maybe bringing the whole thing up to beautiful Reno Nevada to save a few bucks on organizing the whole affair. The Reno idea isn’t terrible, I’d be able to drive there for less than a plane ticket and door to door salesmen are always coming in to my work with special offers for $50 weekends at the Silver Legacy and shit. It isn’t the worst idea I’ve heard, and it would outsell everything else in town for sure. After a quick metal break, we just had to check in on our old pal Mr. X. He’s been out of the spotlight for a well, doing alright, keeping his nose clean and such, but Tully had a news report about a guy named Mr. A who is reportedly the biggest ecstasy user of all time. He’s taken an estimated 40,000 pills of it in his lifetime, tapering off at a respectable 25 hits a day. Brain scans haven’t determined any long term brain damage, but he did report that after he stopped for a few months, he still felt high and was having anxiety, tunnel vision, and muscle rigidity, probably a bit of anal bleeding that he didn’t feel like reporting too. Of course, with all that ecstasy, you gotta have something to listen to, and who else to give us our soundtrack but Josh “Jewish Claws” Richmond and his signature segment New Music Tuesday. First thing we heard was Brad Paisley singing Accidental racist featuring LL “Get These Balls” Cool J, and it was as depressing as a country song should be, but with LL Cool J shitting all over it and making it that much worse. Ray J dropped a new bomb about how he fucked that ho before you did, the kind of stuff you might normally expect in the mainstream rap game. Stone Sour had a new single this week as well, definitely sounds like actual music, although the song they played wasn’t really my thing, it took a bunch of guys to actually write and perform it, unlike a lot of shit that usually ends up on New Music Tuesday. Next up we heard the new Volbeat single Doc Holiday, and it was not terrible at all, definitely worth a listen. After that was Device covering Nine Inch Nails and it was not the worst cover ever, but a little too close to the original. Some other dude who’s name I didn’t catch wrote some song that sounded like elevator music, totally forgettable, so fuck it. Next we heard NORE, who has changed his name to P.A.P.I. and gained as much weight as a midsize SUV, and dropped an autotuned club hit that got really annoying to me pretty quick, but he’s still an actual gangsta and doesn’t give a fuck what I think, so have fun with that ya tubby bastard. Serenity gave us a track called Wings Of Madness, which ended up being a great intro with an eighties synthesizer and a guy named Fabio Damore queering it up. The next new hit was Drowning Pool doing what they do, with their normal cookie monster bullshit. After that we heard Paramore giving thirteen year old girls their period all over the world, with HEAVY FLOW AND MOOD SWINGS (It could allegedly be anal bleeding too, but I wouldn’t want to talk about girls that young in that way). Next up was Tyga singing about Dope, as rappers often do. Finally, Rawdog’s pick of the week was the kind of thing you would listen to if you were popping 25 hits of ecstasy a day and not getting laid and didn’t eat very well and got shit on by your boss and your friends all the time for all your bad habits and your shitty haircut and your trust fund and that broke ass 18 year old BMW you drove to work in and how you can’t pronounce the letter L. While that was playing in the background, Tully gave us some news about a Russian Clergyman who said that angels and demons are real, just that you don’t realize it and you think they’re aliens. Makes enough sense I suppose, seeing as both are either someone covering for going out drinking or fucking someone else, or someone who has lost all touch with reality because they’ve stuffed so much ecstasy up the back door that they’re bleeding out the ass profusely. Time for final calls, and it was a lot of hate for Rawdog’s taste in music, which is legitimate, people who just need to say I love you, and not much else. Catch Jason tonight on Loveline with Dr. Drew and Psycho Mike, and maybe see if you can finally give that show the call that rattles Drew to the point that he has to take a commercial break before he can answer.
When I was a kid, we didn’t have all these crazy gluten free, vegan, trans-fat free, crazy fad diets. Hell, we only had four food groups and you were supposed to eat an equal amount of all of them. But my mom cared so much about us kids growing up healthy, she always made sure I got the most important meal of the day, and that’s pussy.
Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,