2013

Posted on July 29, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Allegedly, it might give you ball cancer. Allegedly.

Today is a day. So welcome to it! On this day in history, NASA was created and Wil Wheaton was born. In more important news, we’ve got bush! And we’ve got a live show today. Apparently Ellis got a lot of shit on Instagram while he was off for 3 whole days with strep throat. I’ll pass along on the message to anyone who gave him shit, “Fuck you, I’m out. You couldn’t last 10 seconds. I’m out.” So there ya go, haters. Now you’re gonna have to go find someone else with strep throat to hate on. Dingo is close to overdosing on homemade meatballs. He’s feeling pretty shitty because he’s been eating more of those meatballs than your mom has eaten men’s balls. Jeff Goldblum greeted Tully’s baby, and he also saw Andy Richter recently. So meet the newest socialite on the scene, Michael Tully! Rawdog is going to start up a Jason Ellis garden where he gives daily updates on watering, growth, potting soils, etc. to keep everyone thoroughly entertained. ~~Gay Bar Wars~~ no ~~Gay Bar Stores~~ no Bar Rescue, there we go, Bar Rescue was on TV and it’s a show. And it’s on TV. Ellis is recommending it, even though he makes fun of the dude’s face. Me, on the other hand? Do yourself a favor stay away from it, it’ll give you ball cancer. DJ Go For It (aka DJ Blue Steel) says the whole Bar Rescue show is fake as fuck. Surprise!

Ding, ding, ding, ding!

The most expensive burger in the world was served this week, it’s grown from cultured stem cells of a single cow and cost about $385,000. Lab grown burger, mmmm. Also in burger news, some dude ordered 1,000 extra slices of cheese for his Whopper. The world’s youngest chess grandmaster was crowned, bitch be 9-years-old and Asian. Moto news time. Over the weekend, James Stewart won Spring Creek Nationals for the first time this season. Trey Canard was second overall and Ryan Dungey was third overall. In the 250’s, Eli Tomac won his fourth victory of the season and took the lead in the season standings. In UFC news, Demetrious “Mighty Mouse” Johnson won his fight against John Moraga. Rory MacDonald beat Jake Ellenberger in a total lackluster fight. Robbie Lawler kicked Bobby Voelker in de head and won that shit. In UTI news, Michael “It doesn’t tickle when I piss on my balls” Tully has himself a urinary tract infection, diagnosed by Dr. Michael Tully, Ph. D. Probably not all that surprising, Rawdog and Cumtard have both had urinary tract infections as well.

Bruce Willis is a fan of NYA!

A man from Maine was sentenced to a week in jail after he left shit smeared on the floor and up the wall of a federal courthouse’s bathroom. He blamed his medication for shitting his pants and creating the mess. The real question is, why do they want that man to shit in more of their facilities? According to Dingo, this kind of thing happens all the time with snowboarders when they take a hard slam, they blast human mud out of their ass – so watch out for that during the upcoming X-Games! Segway into talk about EllisMania 9, fights, and who will be in it. Ellis is obviously fighting Gay Bruediger again. The musical chair fight and shock collar fights are a must. Then it was time to let the fans try and come up with some fight ideas. I missed a lot of this part thanks to work, the online player cutting out on me. the mobile player not working correctly, and a myriad of other shit. Oh well. I’m not going to keep going back only for the fucking player to crash out on me on the same god damned spot every time. Which brings me to this. A plane is falling out of the sky. A female passenger jumps up out of her seat, tears her clothes off and exclaims, “Is there anyone man enough on this plane to make me feel like a real woman before I die?” A man across the aisle stands up, hurriedly unbuttoning his shirt. He gets it off and throws it at the woman. “Iron this.” OH!

Meet The Guy That Verbally Murdered The Entire Jason Ellis Show Crew

Posted on July 26, 2013 by bitPimps 中

If you were listening to the show last Friday (7/19/2013), you heard what to date was probably the best rap track on “Unsigned Bands” that’s ever been submitted. This guy @CassetteCoast apparently listens very closely to the show and in his track, systematically tore into Ellis, Tully, Will, Rawdog, and Dom. Ellis and Tully seemed genuinely impressed, as were all of us listeners who were left laughing our asses off and requesting that Ellis play the track in its entirety again – which he did. Today had a pleasant surprise in store when @CassetteCoast reached out, which led me to his website www.cassettecoast.com (duh!) where he has posted a video about his appearance on the show. After hearing him (skip to the 1:35 mark in the video below) explaining himself and the track a bit more, and giving props to all the other bands played on Unsigned Bands, I was left feeling that he seems like a pretty good guy. A few Twitter exchanges later and sure enough, he certainly was a nice dude. Along with 4 other tracks, he also has the Jason Ellis Target Practice track up on his SoundCloud, so you might want to go check that out as well. Take a bow @CassetteCoast, you deserve it! I don’t think I’ve ever heard a track do so well on Unsigned Bands, nor have I seen so many tweets about a track featured on Unsigned Bands. You clearly have some real talent and you made a bunch of us laugh our asses off!

Jason Ellis Target Practice

For the lyrically challenged:
Faction 41, hold ya tongue, man I’m fitna show you sumn,
unsigned artist, I’m the target so its only fun,
before you get to raggin’ on me, talkin’ bad and dragging on,
lets put this in perspective for a second, what’s happenin’ homie.

Will Pendarvis, the talkin’ dolphin, been jackin’ off at Dom’s apartment,
and garnishing sausages with his esophagus,
honestly Dom is there predominately as his fuck buddy,
get their butts muddy, high 5’ing holla’n FUCK TULLY.

What’s funny college boy, let’s recollect I checked yo shit,
how is you critiquing people bitch, you put out Retrofit,
the biggest pile of shit to get on iTunes and I do,
feel sorry for your wife, women am I right?

Now now now Josh started changing when Karla Lane had banged him,
and painted his face with some pussy juice some other dude just came in,
smell ya finger playa, ball sack, and a little bit of Chick-fil-A,
Jason, look at Josh man, what part of Rawdog isn’t gay?

Anyway what up Jay, how’s your girlfriend, what up Kate,
ol’ butter face ass bitch gone and tell the tale from that crypt,
now in Aussie news they caught a dude tryna do bukkake on a Kawasaki,
with a hockey stick in his ass waving ’round a Canadian flag.

Wad.

Hold up. Just doin’ a little bit a target practice man, that’s all.
Red Dragon’s old hoe-ass nigga,
put that on a button, ahh.

Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/22/2013

Posted on July 22, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Welcome to Monday’s re-cap of TJES! First, a bit of sad news, actor Dennis Farina died at the age of 69 today. And fuck no, he wasn’t most famous for Law & Order. One of my personal favorite lines of his, was when he played Cousin Avi in the movie Snatch, he said:

“Blagged”? Tony, speak English. I thought this country spawned the fucking language, and so far nobody seems to speak it.

A festival full of hipsters & neckbeards? Let’s go!

That’s just awesome, and completely true. Anyways, Dingo is here today, back from Jamaica. Rawdog has returned safely. Tully is there, his evil child has let him live to see another day. Of course Ellis is there. Ellis was thinking about heaven the other day, he assumes you can fly and eat cakes, but you won’t get fat because that would make you un-happy. And do fat people become healthy and skinny in heaven? Rawdog caught some shit for all his Instagrams over the weekend, from his trip to Chicago to go to a music festival, by himself. First he doesn’t post enough, then he posts too much, the guy just can’t win. He didn’t make any new friends, but he did try talking to a few chicks and got blown off. However, he did manage to get a large neckbeard that flipped him off. Dingo thinks Rawdog’s girlfriend gets fucked by 15 different dudes a day, but that’s because he doesn’t pay attention to shit. Will posted an Instagram over the weekend as well that ended up spawning a debate if they should fix the squeaky studio door or not.

Fuck Jamaica, you wanna see some crime? Visit East St. Louis.

Dingo got robbed in Jamaica and he says the begging there is probably worse than in Mexico. He tried to tell more stories about Jamaica and a documentary and Snoop Dogg or something, but he can’t tell a logical story to save his paper bag in a contest. I think that’s how the saying goes, right? He also watched the life go out of a goat’s eyes just before he ate that motherfucker, probably not with a nice bottle of chianti though because let’s face it, he’s not very well refined. Dude doesn’t even know Sandy the Squirrel is a squirrel instead of a beaver. Tully wants to hear an animal scream and then eat it. He says it’s because he wants to make sure he’s okay with eating meat, but we all know he’s harboring a murderous rage inside. This brought us back into heaven conversation, whores, virgins, fucking, sucking, snorting, shooting, and the holiest of holes that you may or may not get to fuck senseless during your stay in club heaven.

Ah, British porn is so fucking hot.

The prince and princess has had their royal baby. That’s right. The whole world has been royally waiting to see what comes out of one woman’s royal vagina. Turns out, it wasn’t an assortment of collectibles and trinkets stolen from Buckingham Palace. Does Obama call Jay-Z his n-bomb? I don’t know how the fuck that or Downzig snuck into the conversation, but they did. This took us into Game of Thrones and I don’t give a royal rat’s ass if there are dragons in that show, I ain’t gonna watch it. A shit ton of convicts, including senior members of al Qaeda who had already been sentenced to death, have broken out of Iraq’s Abu Ghraib jail. So, that’s not good and my ass is guessing that some shit is about to start popping off like a motherfucker. In super gross news, Geraldo Rivera posted a nude selfie to Twitter, saying that 70 is the new 50. He later deleted the photo (don’t worry, it’s in the linked article if you wanna see old ass wang stem) and said note to self, no more posting after 1 AM – which means he was probably poppin’ blue pills and ready for a mean jerk off session. In moto news, Dungey, Villopoto, Reed, Grant, Alessi, and Tickle – bike yeah.

Way more metal than Metallica, it’s the metal piper!

Ellistronic TV started today with Dingo, Katie, and Ellis. It’ll be 3 days a week or less or maybe more or it might go bankrupt, who knows. You can watch it on EllisMania.com and apparently Ellis revealed an uncomfortable story that he’s never said before except to Tully for his 2nd book. Metallica put out another trailer for their new movie while they were at Comic Con, doesn’t that sound like the most metal thing you could ever read? People in New York are paying $400 an hour for consultants to teach their kids how to play with other children. Nick was on the horn, he’s part of the Patriot Guard Riders, the motorcycle enthusiasts created to oppose the WBC and help fend off those vultures from disrespecting the funeral rights of fallen US military personnel. He basically just clarified what exactly the Patriot Guard Riders stand for, what they do, and how they do it.

Right or wrong, it’s time to learn some history and shit.

Then it was time to test everyone’s knowledge of history. Such as the Great Pyramids. How were they built? With the latest in fat chick technology. Why were they built? Because there was no fucking TV back then, life was boring. Now, what about the Cold War? That shit was between America and Russia and it was not about heating coal. It started between Yuri Slobberdickovich and Mike Smith, from Russia and America, respectively. It was basically a big No You Are contest and it ended with Rocky Balboa and Ivan Drago. If Rocky can change, and Ivan can change, and Apollo dies, everyone can change! Who was Vlad the Impaler? He invented a muscle car and after dismal sales, Ice Cube told him, “Look homey, you change that name and it’ll sell like that crackrock on them streets.” And that bit of advice gave us the Chevy Impala. The American Revolutionary War was not between The Beatles and The Rolling Stones, but rather it was between America and Britain and dental hygiene. Clearly, we won what that one as well. Pocahontas was the first hot olive skinned chick that the first white man had ever boned, creating an entire group of hot ass models that do cocaine and fuck like only chicks with daddy issues could.

Batman is getting real tired of your shit.

This led us into more talk about Alessi and all the moto shit with shining lasers in opponents eyes and all that good stuff. That, then, put us into final call territory. But we also got a few other gems, like why hasn’t anyone shot Batman in the face? Then the argument of who wins in a fist fight, Batman or Spiderman? What about Superman? What about having sex with all three of them? And what about a fuck, marry, kill scenario between those three? It seems the consensus is to kill Spiderman, marry Batman because he’s rich as fuck and you could go to some kick ass places / parties, and then fuck Superman because you’ll be flying around having the most glorious sexual experiences in your life. Speaking of Batman / Bruce Wayne. Why can’t orphans play baseball? Because they don’t know where home is. :( And why do orphans play tennis? Because it’s the only time they get love. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/16/2013

Posted on July 16, 2013 by bitPimps 中

If you can’t be fit, might as well twerk that belly, son!

Happy Tuesday readers, it’s me, bitPimps, filling in for the birthday boy, shit_toboggan. Have you wished him a happy birthday yet and told him how beautiful his cock is? Fantastic, let’s see what was in store for us today on the show! Did you know that most people have shit on their hands? It’s true. Ellis is running with world champion boxers, not underwear, but actual people. I mean, he probably still wears underwear too, but you get what I’m saying. He feels as tired as Lance Armstrong’s dead ball. Tully thought it was crazy to have a slice of cucumber in his water, turns out though that he now thinks it’s the shit. Big day at Tully’s childhood home in the past. His sister got a piece of brillo pad in her spaghetti, they told the manager and then BAM! Free dessert for the whole family! Who says getting terrible shit in your food has to be a bad thing, right? Tully once hooked up with an Irish chick he wanted his wet American dick because she knew she’d never make it to America. Freedom wad! Wads for peace! Red, white, and wad! They may take our wad, but they’ll never take our FREEDOM! Ok. Did I beat that into the ground yet?

You may have a nice album cover, but you’re no Jack The Cunt.

Jude stopped on the show today, he’s feeling all inspired now that Ellis is training, Tully is starting his road to fitness, and Rawdog has been doing his workouts. Now Jude’s starting to ramp up his exercise routines and says he started porking out a bit while he was in New York. Jude was banging this chick the other day (he didn’t gas out), his buddy comes over to pick up some pills, so he talked the chick into a threesome with his buddy. He fronted pills to his pal and got him a blowjob from the chick, and then when his friend goes to leave, he says, “you got a bit of belly there!” I assume that dude knows that non-sharing mushroom chick that Rawdog knows. Jude thinks poor people have AIDs, and that’s why you shouldn’t fuck poor people. Maybe that’s why Jude got kicked off the Instagrams for the third time. RIP JuderMcDuder. Now that Jude dresses like the oppressor, nobody in Detroit will talk to him anymore, including his friends. First time in the history of the universe we got to hear a new song from Death! Death! Die! (featuring Dingo & Rude Jude), called Jack The Cunt.

Got my t-shirt mentioned, not used, but a mention is good enough.

A post office in Alabama was evacuated last week after a package started leaking liquid, and some Bamites (?) were rushed to the hospital only to find out the leaking liquid was KY lube. Mayhem was in the news recently, while wielding a knife, he said a comeback to the cage is possible after he has 2 knee surgeries. Speaking of comebacks, Tito Ortiz had posted a now removed post & picture of him on the steps of the Bellator offices and said something inferring he might be fighting for them, but then says “time to look elsewhere”, so who knows. And speaking of t-shirt companies, Ellis is trying to come up with t-shirt ideas. Fans of the show can draw up their own designs and if chosen, Ellis will collaborate on it with you and give you some free shit for your troubles! Send your submissions to tshirt@ellismania.com between now and August 15th. Rumor is spreading that Michael Bisping got knocked out while training at Wild Card for being a dick, but that’s just a rumor as of right now. A woman in Tennessee went to see a doctor, and instead of needing a backiotomy, the doctor diagnosed her with “Ghetto Booty.” He gave her some pain pills and then presumably told her shake it like a saltshaker because she got all like “word?” and he was all like “what?” The Onion put out a story that George Zimmerman won the lottery and shitload of people fell for it, not knowing The Onion is a satire news site. A guy in Seattle crashed and 8-year-olds birthday party, stole 2 slices of pizza and some balloon animals like a god damned legend! Apparently there is a Swollen Members song called Kyla and at the very end of the song, you can hear Ellis and others screaming Red Dragons.

So you say you want more news?

It’s Tuesday July 16, 1968 and it’s New Music Tuesday time. And that’s all I can really tell you about it, otherwise it might rip a hole in the space-time continuum and then we’re all fucked. In reality, I can’t tell you because my kid had her iPod stolen so I had to deal with that shit while they were going through NMT. Awesome. Good times, good times. Hollywood news time. And that’s all I can really tell you about that as well, otherwise I’d have to give two shits, and I don’t. And with that, I’ll leave you with this. What did the Mexican get for Christmas? My daughter’s fucking iPod! OH? Nah, that’s not that funny, I’m just mad. Let me try again. An African American boy and his dad are taking a walk on the beach. Suddenly, the boy notices a Caucasian boy and his dad, and the white boy holding his dad’s penis. The African American boy sees this and wants to do the same. So he proceeds to ask his dad, “Daddy, can I hold your penis while we’re walking?” His dad says, “No, you cannot.” “But, please! Let me hold it.” said the boy. The dad replies, “No, I wont let you do that” The boy demands, “I WANT TO HOLD IT, COME ON!” So the dad finally replies, “Okay, okay! But stay where I can see you!” OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/15/2013

Posted on July 15, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Thug life.

Holy shit. Did you see Monday’s re-cap of Friday’s show? It’s like he’s not even trying anymore. Let’s see if I can do a better job with today’s re-cap! Aaaaand done. There ya go! All I had to do was get the name of the post and date right. HAHAA! Okay, all kidding and razzing aside, lets see what we have in store for us today, or actually. Let’s start with what we don’t have in store for today, Dingo. We got no Dingo today, he’s in Jamaica or some shit. And then we got spoken to about tits, deep, deep underwater, aliens inside of us, and gaping. Angler fish are fucked up looking and they’ll explode if they’re not in the deep, deep underwater depths of the ocean. Are there any monster’s that have fucked to spawn another monster? It appears that yes, indeed, there was a baby Godzilla. Ellis isn’t a dog beater, he’s salty with Burger Ellis, but not all abusey and shit. Bas Rutten is like the Bruce Wayne of southern California. Ellis thinks his ex-wife might be going to clubs full of only rich guys. This brought up rich dudes that pay for a matchmaking service to hook them up with potential wives. Why do these rich guys need a matchmaker? Probably because they’re uber assholes that don’t really care about the other person, they just want a hot trophy to fuck and someone who they can string along by enticing by dangling the all mighty carrot (money) in front of their faces. Ellis thinks Gabe Ruediger will end up backing out of his fight with Ellis, and Ellis says he might just go into a career of boxing once he demolishes him. Oh, and Rawdog recorded a rap single with his little brother, MC Young Yiddishy, over the weekend.

Look, that’s just badass.

So, that Asiana Airlines crash that happened? They’re going to sue KTVU-TV over broadcast of racist fake pilot names, those being: Captain Sum Ting Wong, Wi Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk, and Bang Ding Ow. Talking about the reporters who were fooled into reading those names, up came the reporter lady that fell while stomping grapes and made funny noises while having the wind knocked out of her. Then there was Trayvon Martin talk, and holy shit I ain’t even gonna get into this shit storm of a discussion. I’m sure there are plenty of outlets for you to read and discuss it if you like. Anyway, that discussion took up the better part of an hour, so let’s see what was next. Over 70 percent of American’s keep their smartphones within 5 feet from them and 12% have used their smartphones while making whoopie. Rawdog’s doggy-style partner, Karla Lane, was on the show today and Rawdog does not want Ellis to put his balls on her. We found out that it’s specifically Ellis that Rawdog has an issue with when it comes to Karla. He’s okay with her career and multiple cocks, but anything to do with Ellis, he get’s super territorial. It seems to be the foreskin, because both Rawdog and Karla have an aversion to it. Rawdog has been doing more doggy style and he also had his first shower sex recently, so shout out to his cockery skills.

That last exchange between Ellis, Rawdog, and Karla re-hashed some feelings from a few weeks ago, what has come to be known as the infamous Chick-Fil-A incident of 2013. Tully thought Ellis was making a bigger deal out of it than Rawdog was, things got a little heated but simmered down fairly quickly and the show moved on. In case you didn’t know, Ellis has an Instagram (@wolfmate) and he got 4,700+ likes on a video of his lizard skateboarding and doesn’t know how he got that many views. And that pretty much wrapped up the show, minus of course all the final callers that still don’t understand that you’re supposed to talk the show out, not ask questions. Speaking of fuctarded people. What’s the difference between Sarah Palin’s mouth and her vagina?
Only one fifth of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded. OH!

Sweet dreams childrens!

No You Are

Red Dragons, Bitches

Tag Archives: Rawdog

Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/29/2013

Meet The Guy That Verbally Murdered The Entire Jason Ellis Show Crew

Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/22/2013

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/16/2013

Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/15/2013