Welcome back! And we’re outta here! How many of those could you pull off before everyone got fed up with that? So, everyone’s back after the long Thanksgiving holiday. Dingo is busy at the news desk, prepping some UFC news for the show. Andrew The Giant is busy in the greenroom, eating food after raping and pillaging over the the holidays. Continue reading
Here it is, what you’ve been waiting all weekend for. It’s Monday, Monday, MONDAY! Live, from the planet earth, it’s The Jason Ellis Show Recap! Get it in ya! MONSTER RECAP MONDAAAAY! Alright, you sold on it yet? I’m sold on it. Do you say “effin” or “friggin” or “freakin” or some variation there-of for “fuckin”? I understand. Sometimes you gotta do it, but sometimes you gotta let that genie out of the bottle, too. Try it. Say it. I’ll wait for you. Somebody said something about Katie’s laugh on Jason’s Instagram and he almost told that person that their neck was pregnant, but he didn’t. He’s not going to waste his “effin” time being all bitter and mean and “shibbidy”. Dingo got to hear about sweaty hands and Brian Deegan and how much time and energy Deegan used to waste on a hating. Bloods and Crips, one of them is better than the other, Wilson is part of MS13, Rawdog ain’t scurred of any of them because he’s Jewish for life, and Tully thinks Hollywood is really just a giant shithole. His new neighbors were scoping him out since they’re the new kids on the block and the neighbors are wondering if that means their hood is turning to shit. Betsy is donating $7,500 to charity like some kind of badass – which is fucking badass – therefore she’s badass. But nobody can figure out why she likes the show because she’s got way more class than anyone there. Tiggy’s still bringing the pain to the dirty, stinking, red headed kid at soccer. He scored 8 goals, thereby solidifying his first major step in becoming the next David Beckham. He’s definitely already surpassed Rawdog, who had the most soccer balls stolen from him during a game. How are professional athletes making so much money and getting so many breaks? Even though they’re rich as fuck and have a glamorous life, a lot of them end up broke as shit. Cry me a “effin” river.
Breaking news with Wilson Pendarvis! The cops have the building surrounded and the streets blocked off because of a suspicious looking package / potential bomb threat. Which of course means that TJES could literally be on the verge of blowing the fuck up. Will’s oddly looking out the window, listening to multiple police scanners, frantically pushing buttons on his massive phone, and praying a bomb will go off to end his pain and misery. Breaking Richmond family news with Rawdog! His sister Gabi, aka “The Tooth”, is now engaged and ready for an adulterous relationship soon. Just kidding. Congratulations to her clavicle breaking ass, but fuck her fiancé because none of us know him. He could be a sweet dude, but we’ll never know. Ellis took the kids and Katie horseback riding over the weekend. And just like you’d imagine someone named “The King of The West” would do, he took a cell phone call while riding and did an interview over the phone. Hey, did you know Ellis used to skateboard? Yup, he sure did. He also watched the Mike Tyson: Undisputed Truth show this weekend, as did I, and it was fucking great. Circling back around to professional athletes and how stupid they are with money, everyone had their butthole clinch a bit when Tyson talked about being charged $8,000 for towels. Not because they were awesome towels, but because he wasn’t watching what shit-dick Don King was doing with Tyson’s money.
UFC news time, Rawdog did not watch it, GSP retained his title against Johny Hendricks (who spells Johnny with 1 N?), even though a ton of people thought he lost, including Dana White. A lot of GSP fans are pissed that anyone has an issue with him winning, of course, and apparently those people don’t like anyone to have an opinion that differs from their own. Dana was livid with the decision and blamed The Nevada State Athletic Commission, saying “they have a lot of work to do, that they make him sick, and they better figure out how to not destroy, not only the sport of boxing, but this sport, too.” Hendricks also weighed in on the matter and says he doesn’t care if GSP retires or not, he just wants what is clearly his, the belt. Josh Koscheck was brutally knocked out by Tyron Woodley in the first round, leaving many to question if Koscheck has the chin for MMA anymore. Chael Sonnen was man-handled by Rashad Evans on Saturday, eventually leading to a knockout of Sonnen, which left me shrugging my shoulders because I’m not a big fan of either of those guys. But I’d say Chael needs to stick to his TV game and by the looks from the fight, Rashad probably has a chance to stick around fighting for awhile. Robbie Lawler won his fight with Rory MacDonald in a decision left to the judges. And finally, according to Dana White, Jon Jones has withdrew from UFC 170 due to injuries.
In other big news, your Ugg boots, the ones made out of sheep skin? Yeah, they’re made out of sheep skin and a sheep has to die for you to look ridiculous. Okay, that doesn’t actually qualify for big news, but this does. Next Tuesday, November 26th is the release party for Big Fucking Mega Boat, with a live show at some go kart track and everyone is invited, even Wilson. According to local Thailand expert, Dingo, those people are greasy and he used to be full of grease as a young boy in Thailand. NFL news time with expert professional football statistician, Rawdog. Peyton (nay Paytaun) Manning threw the ball towards other guys that were themselves running towards the goal. There was a 2 hour windy mud delay in Chicago creating what might have been the longest football game in the history of tennis. Somebody kicked a field goal and then they won. Stealers beat the Lions by going hard in the paint for rebounds. Wilson is sporting some Red Dragons jeans that make his butt look incredible and cause people to scream Red Dragons anytime he passes by shaking his money maker. Just ask Katie. And Ashley. And your mom.
Jason says the show is repping Onnit hardcore, but oddly, they never mentioned a contest sponsored by Onnit because Onnit wants to give back to TJES fans. Strange, because you’d think a shitball website dedicated to TJES & running a contest by Onnit would be worthy of a mention, but nooooo. (Calm down, it’s a joke.) Anyway. This brought us into an episode of “You sir, are a moron.” The first topic up, should you have the right to burn the American flag? Next topic, how many times jerking off in one day is too many? Next, who is the most over-rated musician of all time? Next, would you turn your mom in if she killed someone? And then, what if your wife had an outtie belly button? I think there was another one before that, but I missed it. Next, is it wrong to give money to organizations like PETA? And finally, what is the highest job in “office” (political) would anyone on the show be qualified to hold? So there ya go, questions without answers to keep you up at night. But good news, I have one more question, this time with an answer to help give you closure. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? He cried because his wife got it in the divorce, along with the farm, his 3 kids, his happiness, his money, and his dog named Tim. Oh and his dignity. And there you have it. “Don’t die” is Ellis’ saying, so I’ll end this recap in my own way, while saying pretty much the same thing.
Today is a day. So welcome to it! On this day in history, NASA was created and Wil Wheaton was born. In more important news, we’ve got bush! And we’ve got a live show today. Apparently Ellis got a lot of shit on Instagram while he was off for 3 whole days with strep throat. I’ll pass along on the message to anyone who gave him shit, “Fuck you, I’m out. You couldn’t last 10 seconds. I’m out.” So there ya go, haters. Now you’re gonna have to go find someone else with strep throat to hate on. Dingo is close to overdosing on homemade meatballs. He’s feeling pretty shitty because he’s been eating more of those meatballs than your mom has eaten men’s balls. Jeff Goldblum greeted Tully’s baby, and he also saw Andy Richter recently. So meet the newest socialite on the scene, Michael Tully! Rawdog is going to start up a Jason Ellis garden where he gives daily updates on watering, growth, potting soils, etc. to keep everyone thoroughly entertained.
Gay Bar Wars no Gay Bar Stores no Bar Rescue, there we go, Bar Rescue was on TV and it’s a show. And it’s on TV. Ellis is recommending it, even though he makes fun of the dude’s face. Me, on the other hand? Do yourself a favor stay away from it, it’ll give you ball cancer. DJ Go For It (aka DJ Blue Steel) says the whole Bar Rescue show is fake as fuck. Surprise!
The most expensive burger in the world was served this week, it’s grown from cultured stem cells of a single cow and cost about $385,000. Lab grown burger, mmmm. Also in burger news, some dude ordered 1,000 extra slices of cheese for his Whopper. The world’s youngest chess grandmaster was crowned, bitch be 9-years-old and Asian. Moto news time. Over the weekend, James Stewart won Spring Creek Nationals for the first time this season. Trey Canard was second overall and Ryan Dungey was third overall. In the 250’s, Eli Tomac won his fourth victory of the season and took the lead in the season standings. In UFC news, Demetrious “Mighty Mouse” Johnson won his fight against John Moraga. Rory MacDonald beat Jake Ellenberger in a total lackluster fight. Robbie Lawler kicked Bobby Voelker in de head and won that shit. In UTI news, Michael “It doesn’t tickle when I piss on my balls” Tully has himself a urinary tract infection, diagnosed by Dr. Michael Tully, Ph. D. Probably not all that surprising, Rawdog and Cumtard have both had urinary tract infections as well.
A man from Maine was sentenced to a week in jail after he left shit smeared on the floor and up the wall of a federal courthouse’s bathroom. He blamed his medication for shitting his pants and creating the mess. The real question is, why do they want that man to shit in more of their facilities? According to Dingo, this kind of thing happens all the time with snowboarders when they take a hard slam, they blast human mud out of their ass – so watch out for that during the upcoming X-Games! Segway into talk about EllisMania 9, fights, and who will be in it. Ellis is obviously fighting Gay Bruediger again. The musical chair fight and shock collar fights are a must. Then it was time to let the fans try and come up with some fight ideas. I missed a lot of this part thanks to work, the online player cutting out on me. the mobile player not working correctly, and a myriad of other shit. Oh well. I’m not going to keep going back only for the fucking player to crash out on me on the same god damned spot every time. Which brings me to this. A plane is falling out of the sky. A female passenger jumps up out of her seat, tears her clothes off and exclaims, “Is there anyone man enough on this plane to make me feel like a real woman before I die?” A man across the aisle stands up, hurriedly unbuttoning his shirt. He gets it off and throws it at the woman. “Iron this.” OH!