Tag Archives: Joanna Angel

Show Re-cap For Monday 10/29/2012

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Whatever life hands you, take it like a bitch.

Welcome friends, this is Monday’s re-cap and it’s going to feel so good once it slides it way into you, right to the top. Ellis spent the morning crying his eyes out after waking up super early in the morning and watching some sad-ass tear jerker of a movie called Evening. Hey, Dingo was on the show today, he’s horrible at guessing movies, thinks Helen Hunt is Meryl Streep, and they play retarded cows. Tully served Julia Roberts a coffee sometime in 1997, and no riots broke out – so that proves that Rawdog’s James Franco sighting at the movies doesn’t mean jack shit.  Did you guys hear about the rain that is falling and the wind that is blowing in the American north east? People are shitting their pants, I assume because they’ve never been near a tornado that appears out of no where and wipes the fucking earth bare. At least with hurricanes, you get tons of warning and time. If they tell you to evacuate, do that shit. Otherwise, you bust a deal, you face the wheel.

Thy hurled and blacked outeth.

Sounds like Bubba The Cum Sponge’s ex-wife might be the one who released the tape of her and Hulk Hogan slapping skins, or whatever. But I don’t give a shit and suggest that you should not give a shit either. Somebody got zapped by a guard at the Castle of Tom Cruiseland, and still, I do not give a shit. Some chick that Rawdog knows got mistaken for Zooey Deschanel looking to buy a house in Burbank – which according to Rawdog is pure completely not true. And you know what my thoughts are on that? Don’t care and neither should you. Rawdog (dressed as a ninja) went to a Halloween party with a blacked out Cumtard (dressed as a pirate) this weekend. Before that though, they stopped at Rawdog’s place so he could chat it up with his gay roommates hot friend, who happens to be a girl. The real story here is that Rawdog fell asleep at the party (what an animal), wakes up and finds Cumtard drunk as fuck playing tracks on YouTube and dancing with 2 other dudes. The rest of the story was that Rawdog and Cumtard go home, they stop at Rawdog’s so Cumtard can use the bathroom. The big bomb dropped in this story? Cumtard left the door open. What. The. Fuck. And that was shitty story time with Rawdog and Cumtard.

Wuurt, Wuurt, in de Buurt! Time for the Reverse Awards!

2012 Reverse Awards were announced today, with over two thousand responses tabulated, here are your winners!
Smallest Butthole award goes to: Joanna Angel
Best Podcast award goes to: Mad Scientist Party Hour
Smartest Virgin award goes to: Rawdog
Least Punchable Face award goes to: Rihanna
Most Alive Celebrity award goes to: Will Ferrell
Smartest On-Air Comment award goes to: Gabi Richmond
Person With The Least Heads award goes to: Rihanna
Least Rapey Celebrity Father award goes to: Michael Lohan
She’s Still Got It award goes to: Courtney Love
Band Of The Year award goes to: Neutral Milk Hotel
Athlete Of The Year award goes to: Travis Pastrana’s agent
Least Smelly Box award goes to: Linda Hogan
Most Human Looking award goes to: Shaun White
Best Reality Show award goes to: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
Best Actor award goes to: Adam Sandler
Woman Of The Year award goes to: Nick Cannon
Man Of The Year award goes to: Jason “Mayhem” Miller

Now to final calls, mostly about stripper poles. One big dude that called in, he’s large and he spins around on his stripper pole without it falling down – the one thing I really took for this particular call was that he’s the only one who ever uses it. The only one who ever uses it. Let that sink in. Big dude. Only one who ever uses it. That’s sad. There were more calls about what Ellis should get into next, as a physical hobby. We heard all sorts of suggestions, and pretty much all of them were shot down in a blaze of glory by Ellis. Oh, also, we came up with a great Halloween costume idea, but we’re having a hard time finding just the right amount of cottage cheese to wear in our thighs, ass, and arms to really look (pound for pound) like your mother. OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 10/25/2012

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So its the last time you have to give a fuck this week and all you need to do is go back and listen to todays show.  You know its a Fucking Classic by the intro and by Ellis admiting he’s not the smartest man in the world.  He was smart enough to con Cumtard into testing Nair hair removal on his ballsac, but we’ll get to that later since Cumtard had to run and buy the shit first, and thats why he isn’t the producer of the show.  Anyways, lets get to RawDogs dream of receiving oral from Prometheus, how fucking creepy is that? Not as creepy as Ellis chasing his kids around the house in a wig as their “other mommy” and freaking poor Tiggy and Snookie out. Oh that reminded Tully  about some male/female couple he saw this weekend battling over who was the mommy, for real!  This got the show started on if its worse to have a weird straight parent, or a weird gay parent?  Not that gay is weird, but on top of being weird they are gay.  We didn’t find the answer out to that, but we did find out a few big names that have struggled with such a task, like one of the dudes that directed The Matrix and Cloud Atlas, the singer from Against Me, and and of course legendary rocker Dave Mustaine.  Whatever the situation is, Tullys cool if his wife wants to be a dude.  Eiffel Tower and all man thats his best friend.  Its just the potential Barry White voice that comes with the hormones that freaks him out the most.

Hi kids, mommies home!

 

LTIFOOYMWIFH, which means Laugh Til I Fall Out Of Your Mom While Im Fucking Her….you had to be there!  Whoever was their at the studios before the show is into some creepy shit.  Tully came across some legal pad with a To-Do list on it that was left behind in the studio.  What was on it? Shit like “Buy fuck pinata” and “DVR Boston Legal”, sick right!  Well we never found out what a fuck pinata is, and we don’t give a fuck about Boston Anal, but we did get a new sweet website out of the deal (Only if your 18 of course).  We did find out that yesterdays trial producer Valerie left behind some perfect audio for pranking your friends.  Don’t believe me, just ask Sluggo or Katie, both of whom were put up to the task.  Sluggo wasn’t phased one bit, but Katie on the other hand may have been a little flustered by the whole deal.  She ended up calling back and scaring Rawdog half to death with a few N-bombs that were all out of love.  Speaking of N-bombs I love, Obama was on the Jay Leno show and it was a hoot.  He shared tales of driving a Chevy Volt and how he isn’t allowed a cellphone, hilarious shit.  Meanwhile Axl Rose was on the Jimmy Kimmel show and he really showed up.  Axl has a Halloween tree that he uses to mind fuck other kids in the neighborhood, kinda cool.  Check out either of those two videos if you’d like, but you must check out and vote for this years 2012 Reverse Awards.  One note on this years awards, Joe Simpson (Nominee for “Least Rapey Celebrity Father”) has filed for divorce after allegedly coming out of the closet to his family, in case that changes your mind in any way.  Nothing changes when it comes to  how much fibromyalgia sucks, and how difficult it is to spell.  Morgellons is another disease that is both hard to spell and fucking sucks, but is it even real?  Tully told us something that isn’t real, well over exaggerated at least, Japanese dudes don’t all sniff school girl panties purchased at a near by vending machine.  Man that Tully is one polite muther fucker, unlike the 10% of celebrities that tweet or instagram while taking a shit.  Celebrities like Queen Latifah, Naughty By Nature, Michael Tully, The Fugees all of whom of from the shitty great state of New Jersey…………and then the “Coolest Man In The World” walked into the studio:

Rawdog, RZA and Jason Ellis – RED DRAGONS!

 

Fuck yeah thats the RZA!  He stopped by to promote his new movie that comes out November 2nd, The Man With The Iron Fists.  RZA has been working on his comedy and staying of the pot ninja, oh and this movie since 2006.  He’s pumped, Ellis Tully and Rawdog are pumped, the soundtrack is on steroids, get it up ya!  Russell Crowe is in the movie, but unfortunately his band didn’t make the cut for the soundtrack.  Crowedog had to study the late Ol’ Dirty Bastard for his role in the movie which is odd and intriguing.  Enough about the movie, whats good with the RZA?  He’s been laying off the weed like I said, especially the Cali shit.  Not when he’s with Snoop Lion though, you never turn down a doobie from the Dog Father!  Apparently Method Man hasn’t turned down a doobie, blunt, or even a seed since who knows when, Tical!  Did you know Ellis met RZA back in the day in Australia?  Yeah, RZA didn’t either, but Ellis said he was a cool dude back then, and still is.  The RZA called Rawdog a “Scientist” and made his fucking week!  I personally suggest going back and listening to this interview if you get a chance.

 

Don’t look too long or you’ll catch a ‘contact fag’

Oh yeah, Cumtard!  He finally got back with the Nair, the regular shit and the shit specifically for men.  But since Ellis didn’t want to catch contact fag, Cumtard had to cut a whole in a box for his balls to poke through.  So after a heated battle of shit fucking with Jizz Cult, Cumtard was ready and the “Smartest Box In The World” was born….and it was downhill from there.  Cumtard applied some regular nair to one nut, and the for men shit to the other and let it sit for a while. It took a little bit of time, and only a little bit of pain, for Cumtard to tell us the ‘for men’ is a little lighter of the ball sting.  Thats some good shit to know.  So is the fact this former NY cop is off the streets, after being arrested for plotting to kidnap, rape, murder, and eat women.  This reminded Ellis n Tully it was ok for one to eat the other in a pinch to survive, and Rawdog couldn’t do shit about it really.  Rawdog probably couldn’t do shit with a wild turkey if he had to catch one either, but this didn’t stop Ellis from wondering how sweet it would look on Ellis Mania if he tried.  You could say it may have a chance to be the best video of all time huh?  Well good luck beating the current #1 video on EllisMania.com, “Oh Fuck Red Dragons!”.  Speaking of which, Im off to get your mom to scream the same thing right now!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 9/13/2012

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Welcome to day four of our New York tour and now we learned that New York is pretty cool, except Time Square. Time Square sucks more than a bag of dicks at a Nickelback concert. Rawdog, being the radio genius that he is, didn’t bring in his Jaw Harp after Jason and Tully learned how to properly play it from internet videos. This action was immediately punished with an armpit punch that could be heard through radios throughout American and Canada. Apparently to have a happy relationship a man should wait about 180 days before having sex with a girl. That’s a long time to wait for a second date. Most men can handle getting a handy or blow job while driving. However if you are the kind of guy who has to close his eyes when blowing his love goo then you should probably stick to public transportation. Somehow the discussion turned to how Rawdog should do coke and what it would be like. It seemed to be a mixture of a really awesome dude to the kind of guy you would like to introduce to the bottom of your boot just so he will shut the fuck up about music that you’ve never heard of.

Shuli Egar came into the studio today for about an hour. Just like his appearances before, this one was fucking awesome. He addressed Private Snowball’s sexual habbits, his girlfriend, the new soda ban in New York, stand up shows, and The Ronnie Mund Block Party. After Shuli, Ryan Villopoto came in to talk moto and more moto, and then some Kawasaki promo that he is doing in New York. It was a rather quick interview and up next was the beautiful Krista Ayne. Ellis went out on a date with her last night to the same party where Cullen mistook Josh for his wife. In Cullens defense, Josh is rather feminine and they were wearing the same evening gown. Ellis got a bit creepy in my opinion when he started to seduce Krista and charm her pants skirt off. He succeeded, and while Krista was in her panties and bra, the accidental genius took one of the greatest creep shots in the history of The Jason Ellis Show! Great job Tussin Wolf, we salute you.

The final guest of the day was the all time favorite, Joanna Angel. She came in a little loose from the free beer and macaroni and cheese that Lance Bass had for his show which made her appearance that much better. Much like Shuli, Joanna laughed at Josh and his love of the snowball and got into the discussion of whether or not he is the dominant partner. After a brief talk, she showed him, by raping him. Not rape rape, just regular rape. Josh fought back her advances as she tried to slap his fun bags and mount him in a slightly aggressive manner. I believe he learned nothing from this and will continue to be the guinea pig of his girlfriends sexual desires. However, he did spit out the greatest line to say to a woman as she tells you that she is cumming, “You can’t fart yet.” You sir are a genius. Final calls time and the only one that I can remember is the dude who said his wife is playing with her vibrators more than she is playing with him. It was decided that it’s no big deal unless she starts neglecting him and using the toys instead. He blamed it on all the stories shes been reading. Speaking of stories, I remember a story I heard where this guy went into a whorehouse and told the mistress he wants to eat out a girl for the first time. She sends him up and he meets yer mum. She whips down her pants and he starts licking her twat. Minutes later he feels something in his mouth and spits out a corn niblet. Thinking this is normal, as he has never done it before continues eating her out. Minutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth. Still thinking this is normal he continues. Soon after he finds a piece of meat and stands up. “Excuse me miss, but are you sick?” She looks at him and replies “No, but the last guy was!” OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 6/1/2012

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Rawdog’s plight

It’s June 1st and it’s #WGAFF, coincidence? Probably not. I mean, there’s no significance to it at all, it is what it is. Who cares, let’s get into some shit shall we? Don’t everybody answer all at once! If you answered “yes” to that last question, you’re in for a treat, and if you answered “no”, well you’re still in for a treat! See, it’s a win-win situation all the way around for you lucky bastards, and it’s all because I love you. Ellis says he fucks ugly chicks all the time, he had gotten a prostitute a few weeks ago who was apparently pretty fugly and he wasn’t even sure she wasn’t a dude, but she pulled out titties so… yeah. Ellis is going camping this weekend, as it turns out, I too am going camping this weekend. The difference? He’s looking forward to it, and I’m not. I’ve camped enough in my life and now I like my creature comforts, plus I won’t be jet skiing so that’s a fuckin’ downer. Rawdog got recognized while he was at the bank today, the teller chick (Meredith) asked if he was “Rawdog” and said she listened everyday. I don’t even need to say this but for posterity sakes, he didn’t hit on her or ask her out or anything.

Canadian protester in the wild

Some guy named “Richard” called into the show and said his testicle never dropped down into his scrotum so he had surgery on his ovary ball, oddly enough, he didn’t even sound Canadian. Apparently some Canadians are really pissed aboot all the Canada jokes on the show eh, and feel like they should get more respecky – but I think that’s just the Canadians that haven’t had a joke sneak into their igloos. New York banned the sale of soda over 16 ounces in some shitholes, what’s up with that New York Silly Nannies? Some pregnant chick was trying to talk her husband into going to EllisMania 8 before she poops a child out of her bearded clam, but the husband was saying it wouldn’t be a good idea. At least that kid has one parent with some sense. Another new call screener today, Cunt Mist, seemed to do a pretty good job on screening calls but a piss poor job on coming into the studio when beckoned. He works at a pretty famous night spot there in Hollyweird or some shit like that. He speaks well, got a good review from a caller or two, and he came up with a game for them to play. I mean holyshit, is this guy trying to get a fucking job as a call screener for the show or is he just @DanOD5‘s less pretty brother?

Old people smell? Who knew!

Ellis wants to go to Thailand and eat rice, which I think is totally doable because I’m pretty sure that rice, tobacco, crazy jungle viruses, and lady-boys are all they have there, right? @JoannaAngel was on the show today, Tully asked if she was getting “sultrier” and I think that made her moist – she’s always had a soft spot for Tully. She also participated in halftime pushups, she’s such a good sport – she’s usually up for anything really, and when I say anything, I mean a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g, hubba-hubba! There was talk about a hand-job reunion for Rawdog, remember – he got jacked off by 3 shoe talking porn chicks in a bathroom at a premiere party for one of Joanna’s movies. Old people smell is real, that’s not really fucking news though because I could’ve told you that fact back when I was 4 or 5. There’s just no way to confuse the smell of mothballs, musty underwear, and ointment. They played a game where they had to guess if the statement was an MMA move, a gay porn move, or both and the winner gets a lap dance. Rawdog ended up winning and got a lap dance from Joanna while she wore the Hulk Smash Hands and danced to Primus – Jerry Was a Racecar Driver. That might sound a little awkward, but let me assure you that it is far more awkward trying to have sex with your mother only to find all her holes are already filled with cum and raw oysters. OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 5/1/2012

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Goddamnit Bob, be nice!

It’s Tuesday, it’s also the first day of May, so listen to what I say, or I shall proclaim you gay. Damn man, look out Ja Rule, I’m a rhyme master! On an unrelated note, two fucking minutes before the show started, my online player suddenly set me back about 8 whole donkey dick minutes so all my tweets are probably going to be off. By the time I tweet something, they’ll be on an entirely new topic. To that, I say filthy words and ‘scuse me while I curse the skies. There was some more dick talk today, specifically circumcised versus un-circ’ed – which lead into how much Tully thinks of the orgasms his son will have one day. And that, led seamlessly into retarded people and how when they stare off into space, they could potentially be thinking about how retarded they are instead of unicorns.

Don’t listen to her

Somebody claimed Venus and Serena Williams are virgins, it doesn’t seem to be confirmed, but I think the real potential story here is that it’s quite possible that they have penetrated themselves with a tennis racket. That’s just one theory I’m bouncing around in my head anyway. Apparently Octomom is broke and is masturbating in porn to make ends meat. And the real question here is, who in the fuck wants to see that ditch pig rub her bombed out box? Joanna Angel’s movie trailer for “Rock-n-Roll In Your Butthole” features music from Taintstick – you know you’ve made it when your band is played during a montage of anal scenes. The real kicker here is that Ellis’ then 3-year-old daughter is also in that song, so yea, that seems like it should probably be edited or something.

I hope this isn’t true, but it looks like Michael Jordon might be a huge asshole. First was his Hall of Fame speech in 2009, where everyone felt he was settling old scores rather than being graceful. It was also revealed awhile ago that Tiger Wood’s friends and lawyer claimed that Jordon had been a bad influence on Tiger – particularly concerning his affairs and such. And now Chamellionaire is claiming that Jordon is in fact, a super asshole. In the end, I don’t claim to know if Jordan is or is not an asshole, you can make that call on your own. And then there was new music Tuesday! And then I decided to not write about it! And now, since you don’t know much about your whore mother, I’m going to tell you another story about her when you were just a child.

Nobody likes your mom

A few days after Christmas, she was working in the kitchen listening to you playing with your new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and you said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the fuck off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train.” She went nuts and told you, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours and think about what you’ve done.” Two hours later, you came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with your train. Soon the train stopped and she heard you say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today. For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your luggage under your seat.” Your mom began to smile, and you added, “For those of you pissed about the two hour delay, please see the cunt in the kitchen!” The moral of the story here? Even when you were a kid, you knew your mother was a worthless whore. OH!